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“Er, hey Sirius. Would you like to go to Sergio’s with me? For dinner tonight?”
“Sure, I’ll floo Remus and Pete.”
“Wait, that’s not what I--” James tried to stop him, but Sirius had already left the room. He deflated, leaning against the kitchen counter. He wanted to think There’s always next time, but he’d been thinking that for months. James had thought that when they moved in together, that’s when things would happen.
It had been over a year now, and he could only think that Sirius was deliberately misunderstanding. There was no way Sirius was this obtuse to not understand that James was trying to do. He rubbed his hands over his face and under his glasses. Well. No one could say he didn’t try.
He sort of… gave up after that. As much as he could give up, that is. He didn’t stop hoping, but he stopped planning dates and certainly stopped asking. He felt six kinds of defeated, and he could never decide if he felt better or worse at Sirius acting exactly the same.
“Hey James.”
“Yeah?” James asked, not bothering to look up from his papers. Sirius probably wanted to know what was for dinner, if he would make biscuits, or when they were visiting Lily, Peter, and Remus-- the answer to the last one was: as soon as they get back in the country, which was in a week and a half as Sirius well knew by this point.
“Would you like to go to the new French place tonight? It’s gotten amazing reviews.”
James looked up, blinked.
“What?” Sirius asked when James continued to stare at him without saying anything.
“None of the mates are getting back for two weeks.”
“Yeah. So?”
“Which means not tonight.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “We can go places without the whole gang along.”
James restrained from telling him that, historically, the only places they went with just the two of them were places that nobody else wanted to go. Like the buggering grocer’s or the mechanic’s or the Ministry.
“Besides, I want to go with you, not anyone else. So. Dinner?”
“Er, sure.” When Sirius looked at him expectantly, he asked, “What?”
“Go get changed.” James sighed, threw his pen down and went to his room. “And something nice!” Sirius shouted after him. “It’s a nice place.”
“Fine,” he muttered to himself. He pulled off his shirt as he entered his room, then paused. Was- was this a date? He knew that Sirius liked to bring his dates to French restaurants, and he had said that he wanted to go with James and not anyone else. He ran his hand through his hair. “Bugger.” Well, he would dress like this was a date, and if he was wrong, no harm done. And if he was right… He tried to squash down on the hope, but it was still there, tiny and peeking through the bushes.
It didn’t take him any time to pick out an outfit, mostly because in the past few years of asking Sirius out, he’d planned outfits for every possible date. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Sirius looked him up and down, and James wanted to believe he was checking him out. “You should clean up more often, you look good.” The smirk he shot James afterwards was definitely not platonic. The little hope inside him grew to something dangerously large.
...Only to be crushed twenty minutes later when Sirius flirted with the waiter. James knew the difference in Sirius’s types of flirting, and this wasn’t the harmless kind that he did with everyone he met that he wasn’t related to, it was the kind that meant he was actually interested.
James leaned back in his chair as Sirius flirted and charmed, one arm dropping from the table to sit in his lap. It was a defensive posture and he knew it, but Sirius was too busy to care or even notice. He finished eating quickly-- it was easy to when he wasn’t talking-- and the food was good, amazing even, but he couldn’t focus on the taste.
“Sorry,” Sirius finished with a grin at the-- admittedly handsome-- waiter, “I should let you get back to work.” The waiter laughed it off, left with a wink, and Sirius watched his arse as he walked away.
“Stupid,” James mumbled to himself. It was stupid for him to get his hopes up after so long. He should have known better.
“What?”
James glanced at him and thought about lying and pretending he was fine. “Hm? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you could still see me. I thought I might have pulled on the Invisibility Cloak around the time we got our wine.” Sirius had bloody ordered wine for their apparently-not-a-date and ignored him the rest of the time.
Sirius frowned at him. “What’s with you?”
“What’s ‘with me’? I’m in love with a complete tosser who doesn’t give a shite about me, that’s what’s ‘with me’. Get fucked.” James threw some muggle bills on the table, grabbed his coat and left.
“James,” Sirius called after him, but he only did it once, and he didn’t follow him.
He ducked out of sight and disapparated, landing in the main room of their flat. He was stood in the dark, surrounded by the life they’d built together, knowing that he’d overreacted, but not caring.
Sleep did not come easily.
Breakfast was awkward in that James was there, feeling upset, and Sirius wasn’t. In the flat, that is. Maybe he was feeling upset elsewhere. Because James was paranoid, he had checked to make sure that Sirius’s things were still there, that he hadn’t moved out in the dead of the night, and he hadn’t, fortunately.
James wanted to stew on the sofa while he waited for Sirius to finally show back up, but he had work. He was annoyed all day, snapping at anybody who talked to him. By the time he made it back home, he was more upset than when he’d left.
Sirius startled at seeing him, and James glared. “Er, hi.”
“‘Hi’? That’s all you have to say?”
“Well, no, it was more an opener,” Sirius said awkwardly. “Sit down?”
“No.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Sirius challengingly. “Have a nice night?”
“Erm, no not really.”
“You were gone awfully long for the waiter to not have put out.”
“I was at Remus and Lily and Pete’s.”
“...Oh.”
“Look James, I didn’t mean anything by it, I just needed time to think and I knew if I came home we’d talk right away and I wouldn’t know how I feel.”
James deflated even more and dropped his arms. “Oh,” he said again. “Now I just feel like an arse. Did you… find out how you feel?”
Sirius nodded slowly.
“You don’t seem too sure of that,” James said, heart dropping.
Sirius gave him a half smile. “Give me a break Jamie, it’s not every day you find out your best mate’s in love with you. I- er. I wanted to ask you on a date. I thought that’s what yesterday was, but… then I panicked. You said yes, and you looked incredible, but then we get there and I realised I never told you it was a date, so I thought I needed to save face.”
“By undressing the waiter with your eyes?”
Sirius grimaced. “Yeah, that wasn’t on. Sorry.”
“So you wanted to ask me on a date, and then needed to think things over when you found out I wanted it to be a date too?”
“Wanting it to be a date is a few steps below saying you love me. And also insulting me while you did it.”
“You deserved it,” James grumbled.
“I know. I want to make it up to you. Would you like to go on a date this weekend? Just us, no friends, no waiters?”
“Does that mean we’re staying in? That’s just like every other night, Sirius, I’m not sure it counts as a date.” James was half teasing, half serious. It wouldn’t be special if they stayed in, and he wanted this to be special.
“No, I mean no flirting with the waiter. Solemnly swear. And I- I don’t feel the same about you quite yet. I’m sorry.”
James shook his head and pulled Sirius into a hug, feeling exhausted. He’d been angry all day, and just wanted to fall asleep on the couch snuggled up to Sirius. Sirius feeling ‘not quite’ the same about him was actually comforting, for all Sirius thought it would hurt him. If that hadn’t changed in a month, then yeah, he’d be hurt, but last night he’d been convinced Sirius was going out of his way to be a prick. So to find out he had wanted it to be a date as well? “Love you,” he mumbled.
Sirius laughed quietly, giving him a squeeze in the hug. “Give me a couple weeks and I’ll love you too.”