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When Gawain first swore loyalty to you, he had not expected it to extend beyond his first life time. Nor had he expected it to create such a strong bond between the two of you that regardless of what life it was, regardless of the timelines - he’d inevitably find you. In every life he’s had, he’s shared it with you. Each one filled with special memories that were dear to both of you. Each life filled with an overflowing and endless amount of love and passion.
He can’t forget it, and he refuses to. Should the gods above and the world in which he dwells in forsake him, he won’t forsake you. Even if it meant that he would have to fight against the entire world, he can’t forget you.
He loved you. He has loved you, still loves you, and will forever love you.
Yet he didn’t think that he’d have to watch as you fell in love with someone else. He couldn’t bear to make you cry yet again as he tried to convince you that this was wrong, all of it was wrong.
Not him, me. It’s me, it’s me, it’s me.
The desperate thoughts would haunt him day and night, but the agony and anger that had shown in your eyes would never leave him.
“What do you know?! How am I supposed to trust you about all these things you say? How do you expect me to believe you?”
He closes his eyes as he relives that night. Where did it go wrong? He had befriended you, he had gotten close to you, and he fell in love with you all over again. He had tried on multiple occasions to tell you about the past you shared together with him, about all the joyous occasions and moments filled with sweet love.
“Reincarnation? Nah.”
His throat went dry.
“Instead of being fated to love someone, I’d rather fall in love with someone of my own accord.”
The sinking feeling in his stomach made him want to throw up. He felt the need and urge to empty it all out as though he couldn’t handle hearing those blasphemous words that forsakes the future he sought out.
“Come on, Gawain. There’s no way. You and I? We’re like best friends, stop kidding around.”
But I’m not. He wanted to scream. I never was. His hands clenched into fists as he holds tightly onto the bed sheets. He wanted to cry.
“You know Gawain, I really do think I like him. He’s so… dreamy.”
He hated the emotions that welled up inside of him. The surge of jealousy, the immense amount of hatred, and the sheer despair that you may not like him back, that you may not direct that beautiful smile towards him chipped away at his heart and gradually tore him apart inside.
Why was it him?
He slammed his fists against the bed once again, shaking it as though it was the epicenter of an earthquake. He hated it; despised it; abhorred it. It made him sick to the stomach that he couldn’t get you to turn his way, that he couldn’t get you to understand where he was coming from.
“This again?” He can still remember the exasperated sigh before you had asked him to find someone else to love. That you weren’t the one he was looking for.
But you are.
But he never spoke those words, not when deep down inside, far more than being the one by your side - all he ever wants is for you to be happy. To be filled with joy and love.
And if that person can’t be him this time around, that’s fine. It’s fine.
His heart may be slightly broken now, but he’s sure, almost certain of it. That next time, the one that you walked down the aisle with and consummated the night with was him.