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“So, you got a name you want?”
Clarke smiles a little, rubbing the skin on her stomach that she can see starting to go dark in the mirror. She can’t make out any letters yet, but it’s there. She’s getting someone.
“No. No one specific.”
“Good call,” says Raven. “Don’t get your hopes up.”
She already knows Raven’s story, of course; she was practically engaged to her childhood sweetheart, the two of them just waiting for their twentieth birthdays and the confirmation of what they already knew. They were soulmates, and they were going to spend the rest of their lives together.
Raven’s skin had started to bruise and color, but when the name had formed, it wasn’t Finn’s. She hasn't met Gina Martin yet, but Clarke knows the name bothers her sometimes. She’s said she’s not sure she and Finn wouldn’t have worked out, a year later, but if they’d been soulmates, they would have tried. It's easy to say it wouldn't have worked when they already had the soulmarks to tell them it wouldn't.
“I don’t have any hopes to get up,” she says. “There isn’t anyone I’m interested in.”
“Not that girl in your lit class?”
“She’s eye candy, not a soulmate.”
“She could be both. I think I see a B.”
Clarke glances at her phone, checking the time. They still have a few minutes, according to her mother, but moment of birth tends to be difficult to pin down. It could clarify at any time now.
“That does look like a B,” she says, mouth a little dry. It happens to most people, the soulmark, but witnessing it on her own skin still feels like a miracle. “And maybe an E for the first name?”
“Maybe. Or an R?"
They’re both B’s, Clarke can tell now, starting the first and last name, and it flashes through her mind a second before it’s actually clear enough to read, this wild, impossible thought.
“Bellamy Blake," Raven says, frowning, and Clarke just breathes, “Fuck."
“You know her?”
“Him. Yeah.” She makes a face. “Kind of.”
“Kind of?” Raven prompts, when Clarke doesn’t say anything else.
She shakes her head, can’t help a little laugh of disbelief. “He’s—holy shit.”
“Good news?”
“Honestly, I don’t even know.” Her fingers dance over the familiar letters. “Probably not. I'm not his soulmate, but--”
“But?”
“But he doesn’t have one. He’s—five years older than I am? Four a half, I guess. I remember when he should have gotten his soulmark.”
“Yeah? You’ve never mentioned him.”
“He wasn’t my soulmate before. We haven’t talked in years. I was friends with his little sister in high school. His birthday is in—“ She works to remember. “June? He'd just gotten back from college for summer vacation. It was practically a holiday for my friends and me. We all wanted to be his soulmate, Octavia said it was gross.”
“So you were, what, fifteen?”
“Yeah. And he was twenty and cute. You know how it is, every time you know someone who's turning twenty, you wonder--”
“Yeah. And then he didn’t get a soulmark.”
“No. Which made some of them feel better, like he was some tragic romantic figure, but—“
“Maybe it’ll be good news for him,” Raven offers. “You know, he’s your soulmate. He’s still got someone.”
“Maybe,” she says, but she knows she sounds dubious. It’s mostly that she can’t quite imagine that, not for herself. He’s her soulmate, but she's not his. According to the universe, she's not even better than nothing. The thought stings.
"So you guys don't talk anymore?"
"No, not for years. Like I said, he and I weren't actually friend. Their mom died about a year after the whole soulmark thing. Octavia had to leave town to move in with him, and I don't think I've heard from either of them since. We were--Octavia and I were in the same friend group, but not totally friends, you know?"
"Yeah, I get that. Facebook? Twitter?"
"They're not really a social media family." She pulls her shirt down to cover the name, but she can still feel it on her skin. She can't stop thinking about it. "It's no big deal."
"Your soulmate isn't a big deal."
"My soulmate. Not his."
Raven rolls her eyes. "Don't act like it can't be good just because you're not his soulmate too. We don't even know how the whole thing works. He's meant for you; that means something, right?"
"He's twenty-four with no soulmark," says Clarke. "He's probably got someone else already, and I don't have any right or any reason to go in and derail his life."
Raven's desire to argue the point is written all over her face, but she refrains, shrugs her shoulders instead, as if she's freeing herself of all responsibility for the whole thing.
Which is what Clarke wants. Bellamy's name should be treated as a blank. It's not going anywhere. It doesn't matter. They don't need to talk about it ever again, as far as she's concerned.
Except, of course, it's right there on her stomach, conspicuous and unavoidable, a topic of conversation every time she hooks up with anyone. And even when they don't see it, it's everyone's first question: Do you have a soulmate? That's just how it works. Everyone wants to know. It's how you set expectations, when you're just starting to date, and Clarke doesn't mind lying to hookups, but lying to a potential partner seems like a bad start.
She tells herself they'll understand, and it's probably even true. It's a weird set of circumstances, a soulmate she knows, who exists primarily in the past tense. A soulmate who's probably forgotten all about her, just one of the anonymous gaggle of his sister's friends. He doesn't have any reason to remember her.
And of course, there's this small, stubborn corner of her brain that thinks she should get in touch anyway, that she should try to find him, but--Bellamy was always good, even if he could be gruff and distant and a little bit of a dick sometimes. He'd be so nice about letting her down, or, even worse, so nice about giving it a try, whether he wanted to or not.
So when people ask about her soulmate, she tends to say he's got someone else. She's his soulmate, but he's not hers, which is true. But people seem to find it easier to swallow when there's another person in the picture, when it's not just I have a soulmate, but he doesn't. Most people seem to feel the same way Raven does: they could still work that out. And it's just not worth having that argument over and over.
Which is what she's explaining to her cute, sympathetic bartender on her twenty-third birthday, even though she knows better.
"It's kind of a mood-killer, you know? Even saying he has someone else, it's like--" She sighs. "It's easier to say I haven't met him. Otherwise people get complicated."
"How do you know he didn't have the same problem?"
Clarke frowns, cocks her head at the bartender. "What?"
"You're not the only person who can lie, you know."
Not to brag, but Clarke doesn't feel caught off guard very often. It's rare for someone to genuinely and totally surprise her, but the bartender is watching her, placid, and Clarke feels like she got pushed off a cliff.
"What do you mean?"
"You said he was a few years older than you, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, how do you know he just didn't want to tell you? What would you have said?"
Clarke opens and closes her mouth, frowning. At the time, there wasn't any reason to doubt Bellamy at his word, and in a way, there still isn't, but the bartender is right. She doesn't have a younger sister, but if she did, and her sister's friend was her soulmate, she probably wouldn't have wanted to mention it to anyone. If her soulmate was fifteen years old, she probably would have come up with something other than the truth to tell people.
"I have no idea," she admits.
"I'm not saying he has to be your soulmate, or anything," says the bartender. "But I'm just thinking how awkward that would be. I don't think I'd want to tell them."
"No," she agrees. "I should probably track him down, huh?"
"I would, if I were you. How much worse would it be, knowing he's not interested for sure? You already think he's not."
"Good question," she admits. "I don't know."
The bartender slides her another drink with a smile. "Maybe you should find out."
"Yeah," she agrees. "Maybe."
It's too late to do anything that night, and Raven has a work thing--which is the only reason Clarke was drinking alone on her birthday to begin with--so she can't even talk to anyone about it. She does her best to just go to sleep and put the whole thing out of her mind, but all she can do is toss and turn, twisting her brain inside out trying to decide what she would have done, if she was him. Back then, she'd never really thought she could be Bellamy's soulmate. It would have been absurd for her to even consider the possibility that he was lying. Of course he wasn't.
But she's not being egotistical or irrational here. Now, she knows he's her soulmate, it's worth rethinking what happened back then. She can't be sure, but--it could happen. He could have decided he shouldn't tell her.
She gives up on trying to sleep around eight, and she's already had breakfast and two cups of coffee by the time Raven makes her way downstairs.
"Rough night?" she asks, eyebrows raised.
Clarke sighs. "The new bartender at Rocket Fuel asked me if I was sure Bellamy didn't have a soulmate."
Her frown deepens. "Sure how?"
"Sure like--what would you do if your soulmate was fifteen years old when her name showed up?"
"Wow, that would suck," she says, kneejerk, and Clarke puts her head down on the table.
"I don't want to get my hopes up. But--she's right, right? There's no way he would have told me if I was his soulmate, back then."
"Yeah, but--" She pulls a face. "Shit, I don't know."
"What?"
"I was going to say he's had plenty of time to get in touch, but--you didn't get in touch either."
"And?"
"And maybe he thought you would, if he was your soulmate. Maybe he figures you didn't because he's not--"
"He's the one who told me I wasn't his!"
Raven starts to laugh, and Clarke does too, after a second, going breathless with it. It's just so absurd, all of it. Her whole life right now.
"The bartender's right," Raven says, once they've recovered. "He might not have done that, but--man, I don't know what the fuck I'd do if I found out my soulmate was a teenager who had a crush on me. There's no way I would have told her. You were way too young for him."
"I know." She closes her eyes. "He'd be--twenty-seven, now? Fuck. I don't even know how to find him."
"No offense, but I bet if you google Bellamy Blake, you'll find something. Put it in quotes, there can't be that many of them. Or try to find his sister. Octavia, right? Their mom was definitely naming them for soulmates."
"You've just been waiting for me to do this, haven't you?"
"He's your soulmate," Raven points out, not unreasonably. "Might as well try."
Clarke smiles a little. "That's pretty much what the bartender said."
"She sounds smart. Maybe she's my soulmate."
Clarke looks down at herself, like she'll be able to see the name on her stomach through the fabric of her shirt. "Stranger things have happened."
The thing about not thinking she's Bellamy's soulmate is that it made it easier to, in turn, not think about how he's her soulmate. After all, when she was fifteen and he was getting his mark, she didn't really want it in any concrete way. She wanted it because the idea of being a hot older guy's soulmate was appealing, romantic even. But there wasn't anything personal in it.
She hadn't really thought they were a particularly great match. She barely knew him. It just would have been exciting, if it was true. It always felt like it would be exciting, to be someone's soulmate. Anyone at all.
Now that it really is true, it's mostly kind of a headache, if she's honest. She doesn't know a thing about Bellamy Blake. She hasn't seen him in seven years. She has no idea what he's like.
Aside from being her soulmate, obviously. That should be enough to go on.
"I think I need to be drunk for this," she admits to Raven, after an afternoon of failing to google Bellamy. Her Saturday is already shot; she might as well lean into it and have some alcohol.
"You know I could just do it, right? If you don't want to drunk-dial your soulmate."
"I'm not going to call him, just see what I can find out about him. Maybe an email. That's it. And I'm not even saying I'll do that. I just want to go to the bar and do it there. It feels safer."
"Whatever you say. Not like I need much of an excuse to go get drunk."
When they get to Rocket Fuel, the same bartender is behind the bar, looking as cute as she had the previous night. If Clarke hadn't spent the whole time word-vomiting about her soulmate, she might have tried to hit on her.
"Welcome back," she says, nodding to Clarke and then turning her attention to Raven. "And welcome for the first time."
"Just the first time you're on shift," says Raven. "But I heard you helped Clarke out, so--"
To her shock, the bartender actually squeaks. "Wait, your name is actually Clarke?"
Clarke frowns. "Yes? Why?"
"Because I think my ex-boyfriend is your soulmate."
The sound of static takes over Clarke's ears, her whole brain going blank, like the TV on a wrong channel. It doesn't make sense, but in the same way that none of this makes sense. The way where it feels impossible, but also as if it's the only way it could possibly be. As if it all had to come together, just like this.
Raven, at least, is still capable of speech. "Yeah? Who's your ex-boyfriend?"
"His name's Bellamy," says the bartender. "I almost told you yesterday," she adds, as Clarke nearly chokes on her own breath. "That's why I thought your soulmate might have done the same thing. But it seemed so--"
"Statistically impossible?" Raven suggests. She's still grinning, like this is the best thing that's ever happened to her.
It should be the best thing that's ever happened to Clarke too, but she's still waiting for the catch.
"Honestly, yeah. You're not really--"
"This is definitely Clarke Griffin, and she's definitely spent three years thinking she's not Bellamy Blake's soulmate."
"So I should text him and tell him to come by."
"Oh my god," Clarke finally manages, and Raven thumps her on the back.
"You doing okay?"
"He lives here?"
"You're soulmates," says the bartender. "You guys are supposed to find each other, right? I don't have to text him," she adds. "But it's going to be weird if I don't let him know eventually."
"How long ago did you guys date?" Raven asks, sounding curious.
"About two years? We both have soulmates, so it wasn't like--he was upfront about it. He'd met his, but she was in high school when he knew her and he didn't know how exactly to get back in touch, or even if he should. He thought it might be weird."
"What did you tell him?"
"To be weird," she says, with a fond roll of her eyes. "Of course he should have called you. I get why he didn't, but--I didn't think you'd be offended."
"No," Clarke agrees, finding her voice again. "You should text him. Please."
"Yeah. And you get a free drink. You too," she tells Raven.
"Yeah? What for?"
"General absurdity."
Clarke watches as she pulls out her phone, types a message and sends it. She tries not to be disappointed when she puts the phone face down, so Clarke won't be able to see what he says, if he says anything.
"So, drinks?" asks the bartender, bright, and Clarke says, "Maybe a shot."
"Yeah," says Raven. "Definitely a shots kind of night."
"I'll see what I can do."
She makes some delicious thing, and Clarke has downed two before she thinks to say, "Fuck, I never even got your name. I'm so sorry, I've been--it's been pretty overwhelming."
Raven snorts, but the bartender just smiles. "Gina," she says, and suddenly, she's the best distraction ever.
"Gina what?"
"Martin." She grins, clearly teasing, apparently oblivious to the way Raven has tensed at Clarke's side. "Don't tell me you know my soulmate too."
Clarke grins back. "Yeah, what are the odds?"
She's seen people find their soulmates before, but never really anyone she knows as well as Raven, and it's both kind of academically interesting and very awkward, watching the two of them get to know each other. Clarke can't say it makes sense to her, exactly, doesn't instantly see how the two of them are meant to be together, but she doesn't really have to.
They're soulmates, they can work it out themselves. Clarke can just be happy for them.
Gina's phone buzzes while she's dealing with other customers, and Clarke says, "As her soulmate, can you check it for her?"
"As her soulmate, I'm trying to make a good impression." She groans, and this is probably the least collected Clarke has ever seen her. "Seriously, this can't be real, right? There's no way."
"That's how it's supposed to work, right? You'd meet your soulmate even without the name. So--this actually makes sense."
"I meet Gina, we start hanging out, you end up reconnecting with your first crush?"
"He wasn't my first crush," Clarke protests. "Just--a hot guy who was getting a soulmate. It wasn't a big deal."
"Apparently it was." Gina comes back before Clarke can try to argue the point, and Raven gives her a smile. "You got a text. Clarke's dying."
Gina's smile is soft when she looks at Raven; they might not seem like soulmates yet, but they still seem good. "I would be too." She checks the text. "He had a school thing, but they're all wrapped up and he's on his way over. Should I tell him you're here?"
"You didn't yet? What did you tell him?"
"I just asked if he wanted to stop by. I didn't want to freak him out if he was busy or something. But if he's coming--"
"You should probably warn him, yeah," Clarke admits. She wouldn't want to come into this unaware.
"I thought so too." Her fingers fly over the phone as she types, and she's barely even had a chance to put it down before it's buzzing again, making her snort.
"He's really excited," she says, showing Raven and Clarke the display. Clarke's heart skips a beat at the sight of his name, right there, Bellamy Blake, just like on her stomach, but she smiles too when she sees the message: holy shit I'm going to kill you. Another notification pops as they're reading: you're joking, right?
"What's he like?" Clarke can't help asking. Her voice comes out small, a little too quiet, and Raven bumps her shoulder in support.
"He's a great guy," says Gina. "One of my best friends. He can be a little awkward, but just because he thinks too much. He's going to be a great soulmate." She clucks her tongue. "Do you think he'd recognize you?"
Clarke blinks, not immediately getting the question. "When he gets here?"
"I was going to send a picture. Proof." She smiles at Raven, shy. "Maybe one of both of you."
The two of them lean in together, smiling, and Gina snaps a shot for Bellamy. Apparently it's all he needs, because the next time Gina checks her phone, she just says, "He'll be here in ten minutes."
"Cool." She lets out a breath. "I'm going to go wait outside."
Raven frowns. "You sure?"
"You guys can have some privacy, so can we. Right? And I think I need some air."
"You better not run away."
"I do want to see him again," she teases gently. "I'll be right outside. Don't worry."
It's November, but not that cold tonight, and Clarke's always liked a little chill in the air. She's not drunk, despite the shots, but she still appreciates the way the air clears her head. Because this isn't something to be upset about. She has a soulmate, and she's his soulmate too, and she didn't think she was going to get that. She didn't think she'd ever see him again.
It actually only takes him eight minutes to show up, and that's when Clarke starts to regret being outside. She can see someone, and she's pretty sure it's him, once he's close enough to make out the broad details, and she doesn't know what to do with that. Should she wait, or go to meet him? What's the etiquette here?
He raises one hand in greeting, and somehow, that's all she needs. She pushes off the wall and walks over to him, smile cautious.
Up close, he's familiar and foreign all at once. His hair has gotten longer, and he's wearing glasses, but she recognizes the pattern of freckles, the way his mouth tugs up at one side when he smiles.
His voice is still his voice when he says, "Hey, Clarke."
"Hey."
He cocks his head, dark curls falling across his forehead. She can't see him that well, but so far so good. "You didn't want to be inside?"
"Honestly? No. We had an audience."
"Gina said you brought her soulmate too, yeah."
"My best friend."
He shakes his head. "Jesus. I can't believe it."
"Which part?"
"Everything about soulmates, pretty much." He clears his throat. "I'm, uh--I'm sorry I didn't tell you. When it happened."
She shakes her head. "Don't be." It's weird, but not nearly as she worried it would be, and it's easier to talk to him than about him. "You want to take a walk and tell me about it? That must have sucked."
"It was--fucking surreal, honestly. I wasn't expecting to get anyone I knew," he explains, as they walk. "Most people don't. And I didn't--don't get me wrong, you were cute, but you were fifteen, and you weren't going to get your mark for five years. If some guy had come along and told O that, even if he was her soulmate, I would have kicked his ass. And now, teaching teenagers? Jesus. There's a reason you don't get it until you're twenty. I still wasn't ready then." He glances down at her. "You really got me too?"
"You thought I wouldn't?"
"I didn't know. I didn't know much about you. I tried to figure it out. Why we were--why you were my soulmate."
"And?"
"No comment."
"Oh, come on."
He laughs, and it's a nice sound. She doesn't think he laughed much before. "I liked you fine, okay? You were smart and intense and I felt bad for noticing you were hot."
She laughs too. "I don't feel bad about that at all. You're my soulmate, you're allowed."
His breath catches, and then he exhales, a little shaky. "I still can't believe it. I thought you might have my name, but--I figured if you did, you would have gotten in touch."
"I thought you would already have someone else. Since you didn't have a soulmate. I didn't want to barge into your life and mess stuff up for you. You were mine, but I thought I wasn't yours."
“I would have liked to know, even if I had someone else. But I get it," he adds. "I didn’t want to do that to you either.”
“I think you did the best you could,” she offers. “I don’t know—I have no idea what I would have done if you told me back then.”
“Been smug as shit, I assume. I know all you guys had a thing for me.”
“Not a big one. Just, you know—normal teenager stuff.”
“Yeah.”
“Did your sister know?”
“About you? No, I just told my best friend. He’s the one who found your name for me. I sent him a picture because I didn't want O to know first. Which was a good call, I don't think she would have been able to keep her mouth shut.”
“Where is it?” she asks. "Your soulmark."
“On my back, just under my shoulder blade. Where’s yours?”
“Stomach.”
“So you couldn’t really hide it.”
“No.” She wets her lips. “Are you—I guess you date. You dated Gina.”
“Yeah. But I’m not seeing anyone right now. You?”
“Single.”
He nods. “It, uh. This doesn’t have to be anything, if you don’t want it to be. We can just be—“
“I want it to be something,” she says. “We should at least try.”
Even in the dark between street lights, she can see his smile. “I’m good with trying.” After a second, he reaches over and takes her hand in his. His is warm and large, a little rough, and Clarke hasn’t just held hands in a while, but it’s nice. “So, what have you been doing for the last seven years?”
They’re chatting about college when Clarke’s phone buzzes, a text from Raven to make sure she and Bellamy actually found each other.
"Raven wants to know if we're coming back to the bar," she tells him.
"Do you want to?"
"Not really. But I wouldn't mind going inside, it's getting cold."
Bellamy rubs the back of his neck. "Not a lot is open this late, but I'll go wherever you want."
He's a little awkward, like Gina said, but--sweet. A good guy, like she remembered. She squeezes his hand. "Do you have a roommate?"
"Yeah, but he's at his soulmate's tonight."
"Can we go to your place? I don't want Raven to feel like she can't go home if she wants to."
He lets out a breath, like he'd been wanting to make the suggestion himself but didn't know how. "Yeah, it's not far."
Raven is predictably thrilled by the text, but Clarke doesn't really get the sense that Bellamy's thinking he's immediately going to get laid. If anything, he's probably still a little in big-brother mode, fretting over whether or not she's comfortable enough. It's not a bad thing, but Clarke wouldn't mind if he was wondering, just a little, if he might get laid.
Clarke is definitely wondering, even before they get into his warm, well-lit apartment, where she can see all the details she's been missing about him. She didn't realize how much his hair curled at this length, had forgotten the scar over his lip that draws attention to his mouth. She could tell he was broad and muscular, but she hadn't known just how well his t-shirt stretched over his chest.
He's a really good guy, from what she can tell. She'd like him no matter what. But on a completely shallow level, he's just really hot. It's hard to ignore.
He's also nervous. "Do you want anything to drink? Tour? This is kind of new for me."
"Me too. You only have one soulmate," she teases, and he lets out a surprised little laugh.
"I guess so, yeah."
"Tour would be good."
Like her, he's living with his best friend from college, but Bellamy and Miller have been in their place longer, a few years instead of a few months, and it feels more lived-in. Miller met his own soulmate a few months back, and it's going well, but Clarke thinks Bellamy might have been a little lonely without him.
"How's Octavia doing?"
"Good. She got married last year."
Clarke smiles a little. "I remember she always used to say she didn't give a shit who her soulmate was, she wasn't going to let it decide her life."
"She didn't. The guy she married isn't her soulmate, he's the guy she picked. She says if her soulmate is really her soulmate, she'll understand." Clarke blinks, taken by surprise, and Bellamy smiles. "Yeah, I don't think I could do that either."
"We both were, right?" she offers. "Finding other people while--"
"We were. But--is it weird that I was still hoping for you?"
Clarke's breath catches, and then her heart starts beating overtime. The look in his eyes is unmistakable, and he wants this to work as much as she does, she's sure of it.
When she steps in, he leans down, and the kiss is soft and slow, this single, perfect moment where there's nothing but her mouth and his, just that, so simple and easy she almost can't believe it.
She's the one who breaks it, sliding her tongue across his lips, pressing closer. Romance is great and all, but making out is romantic too.
Bellamy laughs a little, husky, but all he does is pull her closer, big hands anchoring on her waist, mouth opening for her willingly. They're in his living room, which isn't the best place for it, but she doesn't actually know how far she wants to go tonight. Just kissing could work for her. It doesn't need to be that complicated.
His mouth trails down her jaw as his fingers slide under her shirt, warm against the skin of her stomach, and even though the soulmark doesn't feel different, she still gasps when he touches it.
"Okay?" he asks, voice deep and rough.
"That's your name. Right there."
He moves back enough he can look at her, tugging questioningly on her shirt, and when she raises her arms, he tugs it up and off, leaving her in nothing but her bra. She hadn't really gotten dressed today planning to undress in front of anyone, but she looks cute, and Bellamy's attention is fixed on the dark line of letters above her waistband, anyway.
"That must have been so weird," he murmurs, and she laughs.
"Probably more for you than me. Your turn," she adds, and he obligingly pulls his own shirt up over his head. She barely has time to appreciate it before he's turning around, and her attention catches on the neat text in the middle of his back, between and just below his shoulder blades, almost dead center, with one line for her first name and one line for her last.
Seven years, and she never knew.
She leans in, presses her mouth against the mark, making him shiver.
"So, you're my soulmate," she says, and he turns around, pulling her back into his arms for another kiss. She can't see his mark anymore, but it's easy to remember where it is, to put her palm over her own name as she pulls him closer.
"I'm your soulmate," he murmurs. "Hope that's okay."
She tucks her face against his neck, breathing him in, familiar and brand new all at once, like everything about him. All these things she didn't even know she was missing.
She smiles. "Yeah. This is good."