Chapter Text
It’s the middle of February and one of the most freezing days of the winter thus far. Dan stood under a dimly lit lamp post on a bridge overpassing a small body of water and a forest. It’s about 11 PM on a Tuesday night, so no cars would be driving over this bridge, especially in this frigid weather. The only sounds to be heard were the occasional chirp from nearby birds or the rustling of the wind through the trees.
Dan stared out into the darkness below him. His cheeks red, his nose dripping, his heavy breathing exposed in frequent puffs. He didn’t intend to make this hour long walk from his flat to the outskirts of town. Not tonight at least. He’s thought about it a million times, but he didn’t know what it would take to finally get him to this place. But here he was, looking out into the unknown. One quick leap and he can finally find peace.
For the past few months, Dan hasn’t felt completely present. He suspected he was depressed, but he would always fight a battle within himself. Half of him would argue that he can overcome this by himself and that there were people worse off than him who deserve help. The other half of him would lay motionless in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to complete basic tasks. At the end of the day, the side convincing him he’s strong enough to do it on his own would always win because he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with his problems.
Dan knew suicide wasn’t the answer, but the devil on his shoulder would keep pushing him and justifying that it was an acceptable option to escape a life he never wanted. He had recently dropped out of his law program in university, but had no idea what he wanted to do instead. It was killing him trying to rack his brain and figure out what he enjoyed doing enough to make a life long career out of it because he would always come up empty. It didn’t help that his parents would often call and he could hear the disappointment in their voices when they asked him about his future and he didn’t have an answer.
Dan got a part time job at a local McDonald’s to have some income while he tried to navigate his life. It was highly evident that minimum wage wasn’t enough to fulfill the payment of rent and the tasks weren’t enough to keep him distracted from his downer thoughts. He was also awkward and clumsy, often feeling in the way of his co-workers, even though they were friendly towards him.
The bridge’s railing was too cold for Dan’s bare hands, but he quickly propped himself up so he was sitting on the ledge with his legs dangling towards the water. The cold began to numb his butt and upper thighs through his black jeans as he balanced and then his hands as they held on for dear life on either side of his legs.
He knew he didn’t have to do this. He was secretly hoping that maybe there would be some sort of sign to stop him from doing something so regretful. Dan shut his eyes and told himself he’d wait 5 minutes. What for? He didn’t exactly know. He held his breath for a bit and let out a giant exhale, trying to focus on his reasons for having to do this.
He was so caught up in his thoughts; he didn’t hear the sound of footsteps approaching him.
“Please don’t do what I think you’re about to do!” Dan’s eyes shot open as he wobbled a bit on the ledge. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be here.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” The man’s voice kept repeating while trying to catch his breath. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you, but could you please come down from there?”
“I have to do this,” was all Dan could say as he continued to look out into the darkness. Not once turning to see who this stranger was who cared enough to try and stop him.
Did he have to do this? He figured he convinced himself to get this far, so he surely would have to just get it over with.
Dan suddenly felt warmth over his cold hand, which forced him to look down to his right and then into the blue eyes of this dark haired stranger. There were tears starting to form in the stranger’s eyes, which made Dan look away so he didn’t blink and start tearing up himself.
Dan recognized the stranger’s face vaguely, recalling that he’s seen him around campus. He was just a nameless person with a pretty face he’d passed a few times here and there without giving a second thought. Dan never let himself dwell on people he found attractive because he convinced himself that no one would want him. He doesn’t know why this guy was all the way out here, but despite being a semi-familiar face, this man was still considered a stranger in Dan’s books.
“I know you don’t know me, but can you let me at least try to talk you down?” The stranger asked. Dan felt his eyes still staring directly at him.
Is this the sign? Dan thought to himself. He asked for one and the universe delivered something. What if tonight is the turning point in his life? After a good minute of silence and contemplation Dan looked at the stranger again.
Something about the way his eyes were pleading gave Dan a strange feeling of comfort, despite not even knowing this man’s name. Even in the dim lighting, the stranger’s eyes were pools of blue laced with yellow and green. Dan found himself mesmerized by how easily he could look into his eyes without feeling an ounce of awkwardness to look away.
Dan sighed and gave the man a small defeated nod. The stranger offered Dan his hand and helped him stand back on the ground.
“This better be good,” Dan said coldly. Inside he was really hoping things would look up from this point on.
“You must be freezing. Let’s go sit in my car, it’s just over there.” He pointed towards a little dip in the road made of dirt back in the direction Dan came in from. Dan swore he didn’t notice a car there before, but then again he was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he wasn’t looking at his surroundings much.
“How do I know you’re not a murderer?” Dan looked at him with one eyebrow raised.
“You came here to end your life and you’re worried about me being a murderer?” The stranger shot him a small smile. A smile that meant he was trying to make a joke while also pointing out the painfully obvious.
“Fair enough,” Dan said as he and the stranger walked side by side towards his car.
“I’m Phil, by the way. Sorry, didn’t think to introduce myself earlier. Phil Lester. Just in case that would make you feel better to know my last name too. You know, in case you survive the murder attempt.”
“Dan Howell,” he replied through the chattering teeth he was now aware of. Normally he’d be wearing more appropriate attire for the weather, but tonight he was only sporting a thin black puffer jacket with a t-shirt underneath, black skinny jeans, and black sneakers.
They walked the rest of the minute in silence. The closer they got, Dan recognized the vehicle they were approaching was a black Volkswagen Golf. Phil unlocked his car and slid into the right side. Dan took a deep breath before yanking at the left door handle and slipping into the passenger seat.
Phil turned the car on and blasted the heat. The cold air blew strongly onto Dan’s neck as the engine still had to heat up which induced a shiver down his spine.
“Do you want some gloves? I think I have some around here,” Phil said as he twisted his body around to scavenge his backseat.
Dan’s eyes followed and saw tons of black little notebooks scattered in the backseat, but not before staring at the small amount of exposed flesh from Phil’s jacket and shirt lifting up. Porcelain skin contrasted against black jeans and a denim sherpa jacket.
“It’s fine,” he responded as he forced himself to look out the front windshield instead. Not feeling like he was in the position to accept anything from Phil or ask about the absurd amount of notebooks.
“Alrighty.” Phil straightened his body again and faced forward.
The silence began filling the car’s cabin. The only sound was the heater on full blast. Dan noticed that the radio’s sound had been muted and he wanted more than anything to unmute it so the quiet wouldn’t be so overpowering.
“Today’s bloody freezing, isn’t it?”
Dan whipped his body to face Phil instantaneously. “I’m not here for small talk, Phil. Hell, I don’t even know why I’m sitting in your car right now.”
Phil gulped, clearly not expecting Dan to be so snippy. “I- I wanted to help.”
“Why? Why do you care? You don’t even know me,” Dan reverted his gaze back out the windshield.
He doesn’t know why he’s being difficult. He had asked the universe for a sign to stop him from dying and it delivered. Yet somehow, Dan felt deprived of the one lifelong decision he’s been able to make in a long time.
“Why were you going to jump?” Dan hadn’t expected Phil to outright ask.
Dan shifted his eyes to stare out the passenger window. “Because life is really shitty and everyone and everything would be better without my presence in it.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Phil said softly.
“You don’t know me. No offense, but nothing you really say is going to make me think differently,” Dan laughed bitterly.
“I got you to come down, didn’t I?” Phil shot Dan a small smile. “I know it’s a weird situation, but maybe it’ll be helpful to talk it out. Like one final overview of your reasons to do this to a stranger whose name you’ll forget with a face that’ll become just a blur in your memory over time.”
Dan contemplated what Phil was suggesting. In his twenty years of living, he really never had anyone he could talk to. No one he could have deep conversations with about how he was feeling. Only a lifetime of isolation because kids at school thought he was weird and made fun of him, to the point where Dan just kept to himself because it was easier.
The only time he had a friend was his roommate of 4 months, Thomas, who was also into video games like he was. They would play a variety of different games depending on their mood, which resulted in going to morning classes feeling overly tired from staying up way too late.
Dan couldn’t deny that he was someone who crushed easily. The more time he spent with Thomas, the more he felt like he was falling. Of course it could’ve just been the new high of having someone who made you feel not alone.
After their midterms were completed, they spent the night celebrating in their dorm with a bottle of the cheapest whiskey they could afford. With Dan being drunk out of his mind, his confidence skyrocketed resulting in him acting on his crush.
Dan and Thomas were sat on Dan’s bed laughing at something stupid. When the laughter subsided, Dan looked at Thomas with the biggest smile that Thomas returned. Dan decided to let liquid courage take over and took his left hand to brush a stray hair that fell out of Thomas’ light brown quiff. He took a breath and leaned in to kiss Thomas, but Thomas caught on and backed away quickly and stood up.
“Dan, what the fuck? Are you gay?” To which Dan just started tearing up because that was one secret about himself he never shared with anyone.
“Fuck, Dan. No. This isn’t like that! I’m straight.” Dan just nodded and accepted what it was. After a minute or two, he added, “Look, I’m not mad, but I think for your sake we shouldn’t spend any more time together like this.”
Thomas walked to his side of the room and slid into his bed with his back facing Dan. That would be the last actual conversation they would have as Thomas never said more than “hey” or “bye” for the rest of the semester. After Christmas holidays, Dan found a flat off campus to move into, not being able to bear the emptiness and pain of losing his only friend. He hated himself more than he already did because it was him who fucked it up.
“I guess you make a point,” Dan said after a moment of silence.
Telling Phil about everything that’s eating him alive could be beneficial. He’s never tried talking about his problems to anyone else before because there was no one he could confide in. Maybe talking to a stranger would be easier.
Phil just looked at him with soft eyes without saying a word. He didn’t want to ruin the moment of Dan opening up.
Dan began to pick at the skin around his nails, wincing as he drew blood before starting up. It was a habit he had in situations where he felt uncomfortable. Other habits included peeling the skin off his chapped lips until they bled and pinching or scratching the back of his right hand until it turned red. The pain helped to distract him in public situations of discomfort.
“Thinking about my problems just makes it feel stupid,” Dan said as his eyes felt a bit watery.
“I can guarantee whatever you’re feeling isn’t stupid.”
“Do you ever just feel insignificant in the universe? Like you don’t contribute anything to it?”
“Sometimes, yeah. But then I realize I’m the one that made it to the finish line in my mother’s womb,” Phil joked, hoping to lighten Dan’s thoughts.
Dan gave him a small, sad smile. “Now I feel shitty because I know how lucky I am, yet I can’t help but not like who I am or where I’m at in life.”
“May I ask why you don’t like yourself?”
“I’m a university drop out. I work at fucking McDonald’s and that can’t pay the bills. My parents have these great expectations for me because they think they know what’s in my best interest, but they don’t even know me at all. I can’t go a day without thinking that I don’t want to be here anymore and nobody knows that because the only person that knows these thoughts are me.” Silent tears began to fall from Dan’s eyes from releasing his truths. He said all this in what felt like one breath as he realized he was breathing in deeper to get air into his lungs.
He didn’t realize how good it felt to unleash all this to someone, even if it was a stranger.
Phil waited a second to see if Dan would go on. After a minute, Dan was still trying to stabilize his breath. Phil raised his left hand, placed it down again in hesitation, and then laid it over Dan’s right hand that was gripping onto the side of his seat. Despite breaking down, the contact made Dan’s heart race and breathing uneven as he looked at Phil with his watery eyes.
“I imagine it’s incredibly difficult and painful to have these thoughts and feelings built up without having any outlet.”
“I’m a bloody mess. I know it’s naïve of me to think that I’m the only one who feels this way, but it really just feels like I’m sitting alone on my own fucking planet.”
Phil rubbed his thumb over Dan’s hand then put his hand back in his own lap, not wanting the other to feel uncomfortable. “Please believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this.”
Dan sniffled. “I’m sorry that I can’t possibly believe you right now.”
“I know,” Phil said. He understood to a capacity what Dan was going through. “It will get better though, I swear.”
“I don’t think I can believe that coming from a guy I’ve only seen smiling at people and being social. I’ve seen you around campus. You’re like the anti-me.”
“Oh. I feel like shit not knowing that we go to the same school.”
“Nah, don’t feel bad. I live as a social ghost.” Without wanting Phil to pity not noticing him, Dan asked, “What are you even doing this far from school anyway?”
He noticed Phil turn forward and look at the backseat through the rearview mirror quickly, then straight ahead again. His fingers fidgeting on the steering wheel.
“I, um, come here every year around this time.”
Phil fell silent and didn’t continue with his reasoning. Dan wasn’t sure whether or not it would be fair to press him, but he realized that maybe Phil was holding things back he didn’t talk about either.
“Same rules apply. You can tell me what’s on your mind too if you want,” Dan offered.
Phil let out a little chuckle. “It’s really just February that makes me feel a little down. I thought it’d be easier after 3 years, and in a way it has gotten better, but I still get a little angry and sad over it.”
“What happened in February 3 years ago?”
“Um. My brother, Martyn, and I were very close growing up. He was the coolest guy I knew. I wanted to be like him,” Phil smiled a little to himself as he remembered his brother. “When I was 21, he lost control of his car and went plummeting through the bridge and into the river on the 4th of February.”
Dan remembered seeing this incident in the news when he was 17. The man mentioned died at the scene by the time the ambulance arrived.
“I’m so sorry Phil,” Dan looked at his face to see him still staring out onto the bridge.
“I didn’t know what to do with myself after that. I started doing things to take my mind off of it. I drank heavily. I skipped classes to the point where I had to defer for a year because I wasn’t going to graduate with the grades I was getting. I just spiraled into this great depression,” Phil took a deep breath to calm himself down.
“4 weeks after Martyn’s death, I came back to this bridge. It took them 3 weeks to remake the barrier. 3 weeks to patch up a hole as if no tragic accident ever occurred there. I missed my brother so much that I stood on that new beam and jumped, thinking maybe it would reunite us.”
Dan couldn’t believe what Phil was telling him. He began to feel like crap for assuming Phil’s life was in any way perfect because he’s only seen him smiling.
“Luckily a car was passing through and saw me fall. Somehow I only ended up with a broken leg. It felt like the universe was sending me a message from Martyn, telling me that it wasn’t time to go. I spent a week at the hospital and it was while I was recovering at home that I told my parents I needed help. They just thought I was visiting the site of Martyn’s death and accidentally fell over somehow because I’m so clumsy. I felt horrible for almost breaking their heart a second time in such a short time span.”
Phil’s emotions never swallowed him whole as he told his story to Dan.
“While I spent the year doing rehab to learn how to walk on my left leg again, I was seeing a therapist at the same time. He suggested I write any bad feeling I have in these notebooks you may have seen in the backseat. Every February, I dispose of them in the trash bin next to the bridge. A way of letting go, I guess.”
Dan placed his right hand on Phil’s left forearm and began moving it up and down in a comforting notion.
“I can’t imagine what you went through, but I am glad you’re here right now.” Phil finally looked over at him. His eyes appeared glossy from the emotions of reminiscing, but no tears rolled down.
“I don’t want you to take your life, Dan. There’s always more time to turn it around.”
Dan removed his hand from Phil and crossed his arms.
“I’m sorry you went through that, Phil, I really am. I honestly don’t mean to be difficult, but it’s not as easy as flipping a switch to convince myself to want to stay here. I have nothing tethering me here.”
A silence filled the air as Phil searched his brain for something more to say.
“I feel like an asshole because you have reasons to be sad and I’m just a whiny kid who’s pathetic and-”
“Come home with me,” Phil suddenly blurted out, interrupting Dan.
Dan turned his body in quick notion to face Phil. His eyebrows raised, “What? Why?”
“Just for tonight. I promise if you don’t feel better tomorrow, I’ll bring you right back here and leave you be.”
“Phil, that’s crazy. You really don’t know me.”
“I know, but maybe if we got to know each other better, I could convince you to stay.”
Dan contemplated his decision. As much as this encounter was briefly therapeutic, it may not even change how he’d feel for days to come. As much as he received a sign he asked for, how was he supposed to know if he won’t wake up the next day craving death just as much? He no longer wanted to live with his thoughts, but he was terrified of dying despite the strong pull he felt to end his life.
He would feel like a dick if he allowed himself to walk away from Phil’s offer considering he may be the only one who Dan knows can relate to how he feels. He knew that if he said no, it would crush Phil to know where he was headed and that he couldn’t stop him because he promised he wouldn’t.
“Alright,” his voice came out quiet. “Only tonight. If you can’t convince me that this living thing is worth it, then you’ll bring me right back here.”
Phil nodded. He hoped like hell that he’d be able to keep this beautiful boy breathing until he was grey and old. Hoping he had the right words to keep Dan interested in staying in this world, if not because of him, but for himself.
Dan didn’t even notice Phil shut the car off until he heard the car start up again. He read the time on the dimly lit dashboard. 12:33 AM. They had been sitting in Phil’s car for over an hour.
Phil peeled out of his parking spot and headed right on the road. What took Dan over an hour to walk was only 30 minutes by car. When they parked on the street outside of Phil’s apartment, Dan realized he lived only 2 blocks away from him.
He didn’t know what to expect as he followed behind Phil to enter his flat. He didn’t know why he agreed to something like this, now that he’s had time to reflect. Dan held his breath as he stepped into the pitch black apartment.