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the room is dark, and yongguk knows he should be sleeping. wishes he was sleeping. but the alarm clock shining on the nightstand is suddenly too bright, and the inside of his eyelids are too dark.
tolbi's warmth presses against his feet from where the cat is curled up at the bottom of the bed. it all feels too familiar, given the circumstances.
the clock reads 2:03AM 3-15-18.
he just wishes they had a little more time.
--
the news came mid afternoon. there's something strange about that. the sun shining cheerfully through the windows, happy clouds drifting across the early spring sky like lazy tufts of cotton candy.
hyunbin complained about a stomach ache all morning--he only got stomach aches when he was anxious, but when yongguk asked if something was wrong he avoided the question. yongguk didn't press. he's not the type who presses.
"discussions with each of your six companies regarding the contract extension have been finalized," their manager starts.
half of them are looking up, hope glittering in their eyes. hyunbin's head is down. kenta looks anxiously at his own hands, fingers clasped too tightly together so that the white bones of his knuckles press out.
"fave entertainment will not be extending JBJ's contract."
there's a pause while the news settles on their skin like ash from a house fire.
"extension based on sales from the second comeback?" donghan says bitterly. "we're one of the most successful groups to debut in the last two years and you're saying that still isn't good enough? we got our first win, we sold out every concert, we have fans all over the world. what would it have taken, then?"
"i understand you're angry. but it was decided by the companies."
donghan scoffs, "it was decided by YG."
yongguk glances at hyunbin, who is still facing away from them.
"it was more than just YG," their manager sighs. but donghan is ready to argue.
kenta and taehyun are silent. sanggyun, who's smile is undeniably brighter than the sun, has tears in his eyes for only the second time since yongguk met him on produce 101.
yongguk is just numb.
--
"oppa why are you so happy lately?"
the sticky note is cute--a round peach with a dopey face in the corner, and the fan who has written the question has neat, tiny handwriting.
he doesn't have to think about it.
"because i'm with the JBJ members."
--
hyunbin's hand presses against the small of yongguk's back as they exit fave's conference room. it drifts their naturally now whenever they're walking side by side. it's warm and reassuring in the same way it always is.
but it shakes. hyunbin is trying to keep it together, on the edge of failing. yongguk pulls away just enough so that he can wrap his arms around hyunbin's coat sleeve. he tangles their fingers and they have to walk slower with yongguk clinging to him like a baby possom, but there's no rush. schedules are canceled for the day.
--
"what is JBJ to yongguk?"
another fan question, this time a taro themed sticky note. he ignores the multiple choice answers they included and at the bottom scrawls out, "the best thing that happened to me in my entire life."
--
hyunbin is crying, large body too small in it's curled up state as he bends over at the waist to sob into his fingers. taehyun is rubbing a palm up and down his back. "it's not your fault," he's saying.
"it is," hyunbin's voice cracks.
"it's absolutely not," taehyun argues. "our manager said it wasn't just YG, and even then, you're just an employee. you didn't make any decisions."
donghan is as stone faced as ever. he's on hyunbin's other side. "we've been through this before, hyung, after produce. we'll be okay. we'll get through it together."
they won't be together, yongguk thinks to himself unkindly. that's the point.
"taehyun hyung, can't we go out? it's hard to breathe in here i--," donghan starts, but their leader cuts him off with a shallow shake of his head.
"it's not good to be out in public when news like this drops," he says. "fansites, paparazzi, they'll all want pictures to see how we're reacting. and no reaction is ever the right one. you're not sad enough or you're too sad. it doesn't matter. we'll order in."
"no," kenta says from the floor where he's sitting, voice soft, "i'll cook."
donghan takes one glance at him, at his puffed out eyes and sorry, wobbling attempt at a grin, and says, "i'll help, hyung. let's make something delicious."
they walk out of the living room as a unit, their paired backs a familiar sight, and yongguk tries not to wonder what will become of their relationship in may.
--
yongguk is aware of his image from produce 101. he had no friends, and his sad, pathetic appearance was part of what made him popular enough to make it as far as he did.
it wasn't true, of course. he had friends. kind of. but the days before produce were difficult, shadowed in a haze of uncertainty and anxiety that he hopes he never has to go back to. the questions of, "will all this work be for nothing? when do i know if i've failed? when do i give up and go back?" hovering over each day like a guillotine. on really bad days, he would look up prices for flights back to jilin.
it isn't like that anymore. his days are filled with companionship--with kenta's hugs meeting him at the airport and donghan's obnoxious affection and taehyun's guidance and sanggyun's silliness. and hyunbin, who hardly leaves his side, who makes him feel safe and buoyant and full of light.
--
"you finally get to debut with shihyun," kenta says, after they finished the mass of food he and donghan made, and are standing side by side at the sink washing up the dishes, "it'll be fine."
"can we call your mom?" yongguk asks. he's not close enough with his own parents to call them, but it feels like the right thing to do. to tell someone who cares about him. and he misses kenta's mom.
"i'm out of international minutes."
"oh."
"and we'll still spend time together," kenta continues. he's trying so hard. "we'll both be in seoul still. we can still get dinner and maybe you could teach me how to play one of your games and...."
a pause, and yongguk rests his head against kenta's shoulder.
"there's still seven more weeks," kenta says. "let's make the most of it."
yongguk just nods, his cheek rubbing pleasantly against kenta's knit sweater.
--
he'll be fine, yongguk tells himself. he stretches out over their mattresses, long since pushed together, and buries his face in hyunbin's neck. the younger man makes a soft, low noise and drowsily pulls yongguk against his body, presses his lips against the crown of yongguk's head and inhales deeply.
they'll be fine.
they'll be fine.
he just wishes they had a little more time.