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After Loki, Steve moved.
Into a new apartment in DC, bringing some distance between himself and the city he grew up in but couldn’t recognize anymore now, 70 years later.
Now in DC, he put a few more thought into decorations. Getting used to this new century would take a while and maybe by creating the space he had always wished to have back then would help.
The spare room had become a studio, a few empty canvases stacked by the wall next to the door, colors on the little table next to the tripod in front of the window. The walls bare, white but so the room was even without the lights of a lamp bright during the day.
The walls of his bedroom were painted in a bright, light baby blue, reminding him of the sky he sometimes saw over the sea back the 30’s. The bed frame white, just like the rest of his furniture in this one room. Over his bed a drawing he had made from old Brooklyn and Natasha had it printed on a big canvas for him.
The living room and the hallway were bare, white walls, wide open spaces. The couch was held in a soft cream, the furniture black. His shield hung on the wall where he could reach it quickly enough from every part of the house but hidden enough for someone who just broke in not to be spotted. Also Tony and his girlfriend Pepper had given him some very expensive drawings that hung on the walls. Pepper said she had bought them but didn’t know where to put them anymore, the walls in her office not having enough space and Tony couldn’t appreciate art enough. Steve could, she had stated and hung up the phone when he had called to thank her for them.
The kitchen had white tiles and cream-colored walls, the cupboards and the table made out of light, brownish wood. The cupboards hang high on the walls, holding plates, glasses, and mugs he had gotten from friends. Steve wasn’t one to cook much or often but he was good at it, got the hang of it quickly. Maybe he should do it more often now that he had a real and suitable kitchen and enough money to spend on food. Especially since thanks to his metabolism he needed much more energy and food than back then in his old, skinny frame.
His apartment was simple enough, inviting and felt more alive to him than his old place in Brooklyn had.
All in all, he had gotten used to his new lifestyle, the new life he had to live now and the new time he was stranded in. He liked the building he lived in and the neighbors seemed nice enough.
The blonde, young woman, SHIELD-Agent and he was not supposed to know that, was very nice and seemed to be normal enough also in the way she lived in the building, maybe just to make sure nothing bad would happen and he had and could get back-up in case he needed it. At least he hoped she was just for that.
Then there was the young man in the next apartment. He seemed to be Steve’s age (if you don’t count the 70 years deep freeze and he doesn’t). He wore his hair long and open, arms covered in tattoos (which Steve admired and liked, no matter what others said, thank you Tony) and he had flashed Steve a big smile when they had passed in the hallway a few days prior. Maybe he really wasn’t so bad. Maybe, Steve thought, he could make a friend?
Now he didn’t really know what had triggered the panic attack that was weighing him down, has him sitting on his couch, wrapped up in a blanket, trying not to cry, to smash everything around him. Trying not to leave the apartment, take off running.
Running until he had to come to a stop.
Until he woke up.
Up from this nightmare that already had him in his clutches for far too long.
Up in a New York he knew, Peggy looming over him and smiling. Telling him it was about time she thought he had forgotten about his promise to take her out dancing and just continue sleeping till she’d die from old age.
He had woken up this morning, feeling slightly off balance, uneasy. But that wasn’t unusual nowadays. Shellshock or PTSD as they called it today, didn’t stop just because his body was enhanced. He had wanted to go out, jog for a bit but he couldn’t get himself to leave the apartment. He had felt goosebumps on his skin when he had tried to touch the door, turning the key had made him cringe. Opening the window had brought tears to his eyes.
Never Steve had felt so small and scared.
Not when he had lied in bed, sick, nearly dying and his mom had been worried sick, crying for her little boy, prayed he would get better soon.
Not when his mom had died from tuberculosis when he was eighteen and now all alone in this world, not sure how to get through the next winter and the next cold that would come. When he had stood next to her grave and not dared to burst into tears. He had to be strong now. Stronger.
Sometimes, in moments like these, before the war, during and now, after waking up in a strange time, he could still feel her sometimes. How she had held him when he had been in pain so much he couldn’t bear it anymore, felt death’s clutches on his skin. How she stroke his cheek when the fever had broken and he had been lucid again. How she would kiss his forehead when he had wished he would have known his father.
He felt it whenever he closed his eyes but it was never enough. Opening his eyes again he wasn’t in Brooklyn, he wasn’t thirteen. He had been in New York, now in DC, it was the 21st century, he was taller built, stronger, healthy, his mom was dead. There was nothing familiar.
Falling asleep after hours of just staring into the nothingness that was his wall, he drifted off to sleep. The next morning he woke up with a crick in his neck that went away after a few minutes while getting ready for his usual morning jog.
The mornings after these he always ran faster than usual, spent more time outside, went to the diner around the corner of his apartment and got coffee and breakfast to go and again it surprised him how fast you could get used to more but how long it would take him if he wouldn’t have it anymore, how long it would take him, getting used to less.
Upon entering his apartment building, he nearly ran into his neighbor, who carried a big box and apparently struggled, getting up the stairs with it.
“Hey,” Steve said, standing in the lobby. “Need some help?”
The guy looked at him and cocked his head towards the box. “With that?” Steve nodded and the guy smiled relieved. “Yes. Please. If it’s no bother. Who’d have thought that this sound system is that heavy?” Steve walked towards him and the guy put the box down on the floor, extending his hand.
“James Barnes. But please call me Bucky.” Steve smiled at the guy, Bucky, and shook his hand.
“Steve.”
“Yeah. Figured.” Bucky shrugged easily and up close Steve noticed his icy blue eyes, just the right amount of grey mixed into the blue to make his eyes enthralling and absorbing. Steve gulped and smiled.
“Not hard for people to recognize me. My face is literally everywhere.”
“Yeah. It’d bother me to no end, actually. Everyone being all over me like that.” Bucky shrugged and Steve smiled.
“Yeah. It’s hard but what can I do? So… the box?”
Bucky looked confused just for a second before catching himself. “Yeah. I ordered this sound station on the internet a few days ago and the delivery man just left it here when getting my signature instead of bringing it upstairs.” Bucky’s left, in grey colors, covered hand pushed a strand of his hair behind his hair and Steve saw the glimmer of something silver there.
“You got lots of ‘em?” he asked, gesturing towards Bucky’s arm and lifted the box up, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lip when Bucky perked up.
“Oh yeah. Too many probably but my mom would love them. She even paid my first one when I turned eighteen.” He said excitedly while trotting up the stairs behind Steve, up to their floor. He pointed out a few.
“My left is a full sleeve, looking like a metal arm. I got it when I finished college. Tell ya it felt like it took years till it was done and even longer till it was fully healed but by now it is and I don’t regret a single second of it. On my right hip, I have a pair of dog tags with the old number of my dad. Mom’s favorite flowers on my left side. Underneath the flowers, there is my father’s day of death and as a part of the chain my mom’s. They died on different days, but…” he stopped, biting his lip nervously. “Shit. Sorry. I shouldn’t… I mean… Yours are dead for so much longer. I probably shouldn’t have reminded you of it.”
Steve shrugged. He hated when people censored themselves around him or thought they shouldn’t say certain things around him.
“It’s fine. I mean… It is kinda nice to have someone with similar experiences around.” He said, stopping in front of Bucky’s door, who opened it with his keys immediately.
“Okay. Good. Didn’t want to… you know. Be rude. For some, it is a very sensitive topic. Mine died when I was nineteen. Car Accident. A drunk driver crashed into them, my mom died on impact. As did my sister Becca and the baby in mom's womb. We didn’t even know she was pregnant again.” Bucky’s face fell for a second. He frowned. Steve sat the box down in the living room and looked at Bucky, about to say something when Bucky continued. “He was in a coma for weeks. In the end, they asked me if I wanted them to take him off the machines and to be honest, I knew my dad. I loved and admired him and he would have wanted to. I could get by on my own, but he nearly died when he was in the army and thought he never get to see his wife again and when he would have woken up… and mom dead…” Bucky shrugged and Steve nodded. He could understand.
“Survivors guilt.” He said and Bucky looked at him, smiling and nodded.
“Yeah. So… uhm. Thanks for carrying the box.”
Steve smiled at him, nodded.
“Anytime. If you need help, you know where to find me most of the time.”
Bucky nodded.
“Yeah. I do.”
Coming back into his apartment, Steve was still smiling, his chest nearly bursting with relief. He couldn’t describe the feeling of, finally, being treated normally by someone. Not a national icon. Just as Steve Rogers.
And yeah. Maybe he and Bucky could become friends.
The thought made him feel giddy.
He hadn’t made any friends outside of the Avengers, maybe except for Pepper but since she was Tony’s girlfriend and the CEO of Stark Industries, maybe she didn’t count as outside. But Bucky would.
Settling into his couch, Steve opened the book he started reading the day before yesterday when he still felt good.
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley because he had heard a whole lot about the book back in the 30’s when it had come out but he never had enough money to spend on books, or anything except food really, but now he did and there had been so many books back in his time he always wanted to read but never could end even if there was so much more now, nearly 70 years later, he still felt like he should know what he missed back in his time, before getting to the newer stuff.
Getting lost in the Utopian London, he didn’t notice when the music in the other apartment started.
Finishing the fifth chapter, he first noticed that it wasn’t as quiet as it usually was. There was the rhythmic sound of music in the other apartment. A quiet acoustic guitar seemed to start up after a bit louder guitar faded out and the song switched.
Do you know what’s worth fighting for
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating
Steve sighed and let the lyrics of the song wash over him. It was a beautiful song. The singer had a beautiful voice. Smooth and if fitted the song so well. He had heard a lot of music from his friends in the past but never had he heard someone lay so much emotion into one song.
Does the pain weight out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide
Did someone break your heart inside
You’re in ruins
Closing his eyes he listened to the tunes that carried through the walls. It had to come from Bucky, Steve noticed.
It was the first music in this new century he enjoyed, really liked. Maybe he’d ask Bucky to show him some songs or artists.
The next song started.
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my father’s come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Steve smiled. It seemed to be the same singer. He felt himself humming along with the melody he didn’t know but wanted to. He spends the next few hours listening to the music his neighbor was playing and maybe he’d ask him about it the next time they passed each other in the hallway.
Naturally, that doesn’t happen.
Getting called away by SHIELD the next day, Steve has to save Europe from an Army of Doom-Bots. Who even was this Doctor Doom and why was he still out there when apparently the fantastic Four had already fought him (twice).
Coming back to America he went into SHIELD typical debrief and after that, when the Avengers boarded the Quinjet to get back to Manhattan, Steve walks back to his building. Coming into his apartment, he, for the first time in a few days, realized what had actually happened on their mission. They had found Doom in Austria.
None of his teammates had questioned his knowledge of the layout of the big, abandoned (and mostly destroyed) base they had found Doom in. But with the reminders of the last time, he had been there still etched into his mind…
There he had met the best friends he could have ever hoped for, back in World War II. It was the first time he had went to destroy a HYDRA base, getting flown there by Howard Stark and Peggy Carter.
He had fought his way, knocked out most of the guards. Found the biggest part of the 107th huddled together in small cells. Bruised but not broken.
Freeing them, they had started taking over the facility and destroying it, while Steve went deeper inside, to face Schmidt and find out about Red Skull. They didn’t fight and Steve had made it out alive.
He wasn’t so lucky on their next encounter. Thinking about Schmidt, Steve saw the Tesseract tearing the Red Skull apart and he was swamped with the feeling of cold, goosebumps all over his body, which was still covered in his uniform.
Steve found himself tearing at the blue fabric, trying to get it off while in his mind he heard Peggy’s voice, telling him not to be late. He still saw the water coming closer and still the uniform clung on him and he couldn’t get it off and what was he supposed to do he was about to crash into the cold again and find out nothing here was ever real he was still in the ice. He remembered the dreams in the cold, the times back in Brooklyn. Found himself with his mom, feverish but with his mom. Then there had been these moments when he had been asleep, where he could feel the cold around him and where he was aware of his surroundings. These short moments when in the ice, his brain came back into consciousness and he wanted to panic but he couldn’t because he was back in another dream as soon as he had been out of one.
Steve crashed against the wall, sliding down to the floor, still tearing at the fabric that wouldn’t leave his flesh and he panicked. Sobs left his mouth, quiet please to not let this be a dream, to finally let him be happy.
“Please… don’t… I want to stay here.”
He was jerked out of his numb state by a little knock on his window. He shot up, panic overtaking and he scrambled away from the glass.
“Can I help you? Let me help you. You sound distressed, Steve.” The voice came through the closed window, calm and steady talking to him till Steve registered the words and recognized the voice. It wasn’t from back then. It was from the new time he lived in.
He remembered that from the ice as well. When he noticed something wasn’t right, he always noticed that their voices weren’t right. But somehow this was. It all was. He was set against the wall that adjoined the wall with the window and it was the wall of Bucky’s apartment. He heard Bucky’s voice through the wall.
“Want to talk about it?” he heard and it sounded so sincere like he really wanted to help.
“It’s nothing.” He crocked out and he heard a huff from the other side of the wall. It again showed how thin the wall actually was. Then it sounded like someone had let themselves fall against it.
“That’s what you’re saying but I’ve heard you sob and mumble for the past ten minutes and I am kinda worried over here. My uncle was a Vet, just like my father, before he took his own life, so I know my fair share about PTSD and I doubt it doesn’t affect you.”
Steve chocked on a sob again and pulled his knees towards his chest, hiding his face between his knees, staring at the floor.
“You know it is okay to cry sometimes? It’s an outlet similar to running or boxing or whatever you do. But if it comes to emotions it works better.” There was a pause when neither of them spoke. Maybe Bucky had--
“You know. I… I suffer from depression. It took me some time myself to figure out that crying is helpful. I don’t feel so good myself. There are things that help though. Sometimes I just imagine my mom or my sis were with me and I tell them… tell them everything I can’t hold in because… because there isn’t anyone else who’d listen. Sometimes…” Bucky’s voice broke and he cleared his throat. Steve pressed an ear against the wall even though his super solider hearing let him hear Bucky as clear as if he would sit right next to him without a separating wall. “Sometimes I listen to music and curl up in my bed, imagine there was someone to hold me and I’d just cry.”
Steve’s heart clenched. Did he imagine his family? He imagined that someone would hold him?
“When I want to talk to someone, I remember they are all gone. My mum is dead, my father too, I told you about it. My sister…” Bucky trailed off and Steve’s heart broke. “I don’t have many friends. Most live somewhere on the other side of the country or in Canada or even Europe. Internet. And they are great,” Bucky continued, “but they are not here. And sometimes you need it. And—and your family is dead. I know that. And I never saw you having someone over. Not from your team and I can understand that. Colleagues aren’t always your best friends or you don’t want to talk to them about your problems. And forget about shrinks. But… you could talk to me.”
Silence again and Steve didn’t know what he was supposed to do.
“Still there?”
“Yeah… I… Sorry… Sorry. Just…”
“It’s okay. Fine. Yeah. It’s… fine. You will be fine. Believe me. I… can I do something to make it easier for you? Anything?”
Steve thought back to the day before he had been called away.
“Your music?” he asked quietly and heard a humming sound through the wall.
“What about it? Want me to put on some music? Anything specific?”
“There was this song… It was with an acoustic guitar. You played it on the day I helped you carry your sound system. It was something… something about guns or so? Not sure. My brain is fuzzy.”
Bucky laughed quietly, then Steve heard movement on the other side of the wall.
“I think I know which song you mean. Gimme a sec.” And after a few seconds, the guitar and the voice started again.
“That?” Steve heard muffled through the wall. The music was loud enough for Steve to be heard and to concentrate on it. But not loud enough to stop any conversation between him and Bucky.
“Yeah. I liked it.”
He heard Bucky hum.
“I love the song. Billy just has this amazing voice.” Bucky’s voice was soft. They kept listening to Bucky’s music.
Following the song was the same one that had followed last time.
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Tears suddenly spilled out of Steve’s eyes, a sob sounded through the quiet room and he leaped up, making his way towards the door of his apartment. He heard Bucky in the other apartment calling out his name but it didn’t matter. Seconds later Steve found himself knocking on the other man’s door and came face to face with the tattooed punk.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—I didn’t know what—That song it--- it...” Bucky smiled at Steve empathetically and pulled him into a hug and into the apartment, kicking the door closed with his foot. Steve takes the embrace thankfully and together they clung to each other, the playlist continuing to play.
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose undefined
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can’t help but with that I was there
And where I’d love to be
“It’s not the same song,” Steve mumbles into Bucky’s neck and the other man snorted from the air tickling his skin.
“Yeah. Not the same band. It’s a playlist I always listen to when I don’t feel well. I can give you the disk. Have it on my iPod anyways.” The brunette replied and tugs Steve along and they settle down on his couch. Still clinging to each other they arranged themselves comfortably, just lying there and finally feeling cared for and safe.
“It’s weird,” Steve says when the playlist plays for the third time.
“What is?” Bucky responds sleepily from next to him.
“That I haven’t felt that safe and cared for since my mom died and you are practically a complete stranger.”
“It’s the music, dude,” Bucky says mockingly, then looks up at Steve from his place between the Soldier and the couch. “But no. I know what you mean. I could say the same for you. I mean. Look at me. You are built like a house and could crush me but I feel safe cause you wouldn’t hurt me.” When he noticed that Steve tried to say something he quickly added. “And it has nothing to do with you and the blue spandex, which looks ridiculous by the way.”
The punk tugs at Steve’s uniform and the blond frowns.
“I should get changed.”
“You should take a shower. If you don’t mind, you can use mine and I can go to your apartment, get you some clothes?”
Steve thinks about the offer for a moment and then shakes his head.
“No. I go back. Take a shower. Do you…” he stops and Bucky nudges him, urges him to continue.
“You wanna come over for dinner later?”
Bucky smiles, not showing the surprise how off-guard Steve caught him with the question.
“If you want me there, just pick me up.” He says and for the first time this evening, Steve’s eyes light up with happiness.
“I will. I—thank you for everything. Really.”
“You’re welcome.”
It became their routine. When one of them wasn’t feeling well, Steve from a mission, Bucky because he’s just having a bad day or just because they were bored, they would spend their time in each other’s apartments and Steve would cook dinner for them.
When Bucky had a bad day, he would come into Steve’s apartment, and when Steve was on his couch he would curl up in Steve’s lap. When Steve was in the kitchen he would hover and Steve would ask him to set the table to give him something to do.
When Steve didn’t feel well, he would turn on the disc Bucky gave him and would curl up on his couch, never in his bed because somewhere during the second song, his door would open and Bucky would enter, sit down on the couch and talk about his day, talk about anything, till Steve feels a bit better.
When they are bored, they sit on Bucky’s couch and the brunette punk introduces him to good movies and TV-Shows. Sometimes they left their apartments, getting coffee from the coffee shop three blocks down (Bucky liked Starbucks, okay, but he liked the coffee from that certain Coffee-Shop more and so Steve sometimes brought him a to-go-cup from his morning runs) or they just wander around DC and Bucky points out shops he likes or tells Steve random trivia about the city. Sometimes, in the mornings when Bucky is awake already, they go to the National Mall together, Steve running his laps while Bucky sits on a bench and reads.
Today he was sitting in the soft sunlight in front of the water, reading Sherlock Holmes’ A study in Scarlet when he sees a dark-skinned guy jogging closer. Not that far behind him, he sees Steve who already passed him once or twice. They came closer and the closer Steve came to the black guy, the faster he ran.
“Don’t say it. Don’t say it.” He heard the man mutter, then Steve passed him.
“On your left.” And the man groaned, slowing down. Bucky held out the water bottle for Steve, who took it and shot him a grateful glance. The dark man stopped next to Bucky, hands on his knees, panting.
“You know that guy?” he asked and Bucky nodded, putting the bookmark between the pages and closing it. “The guy passed me already and still isn’t out of breath. How is that possible? I feel like in the hare and the hedgehog and I am the hare.”
Bucky chuckled.
“That’s Steve. Super Solider Serum keeps him in shape.” Bucky says matter-of-factly and the man’s eyes bulged out.
“So that’s really Steve Rogers? Captain America?”
“The one and only.” Bucky answer is nonchalant.
“Damn. Now I feel bad. Sam Wilson. I work at the VA here.” He holds out his hand.
“James Barnes. But everyone calls me Bucky. I live in the apartment next to his.” he waves his hand in the direction Steve had jogged (ran, but to Steve, it was a slow pace. Well. Super Soldiers).
“He doing good? And I mean that from a totally professional viewpoint.”
Bucky shrugged with one shoulder, watching the other man stretch.
“He has bad days. But we get by. My uncle had PTSD. When my mum, his sister, died in an accident, he took his own life. Couldn’t do it anymore. But I know how to handle it and helping someone keeping it together helps me a lot. I think we are good. For now at least.”
Sam nodded, mouth a small smile.
“It’s good that someone so public like him apparently found someone who really cares about him, not who he is.”
Bucky smiles.
“He is different than you would think. I heard people talk about him like he is a saint but…” he breaks for a second, thinking how to put it, “but he is a little shit to be plain honest. He is probably the best friend I ever had.”
Sam lets himself fall to the ground into the green grass and Bucky throws one of the water bottles from the backpack towards him.
“He always carries more than he needs in case I join him like today and get thirsty.” Then he opens his book again, Sam chucking down the water gratefully. About fifteen minutes later Steve stops next to the bench, taking the third bottle gratefully.
“You, man, are a menace. Never again.” Sam says when Steve sets down the bottle and takes the towel from the backpack. He grins brightly and mischievously.
“Steve,” Bucky warns and stubs him into his ribs with his foot.
“Yeah okay. Sorry. You just made it too easy.” He snorted and clapped Sam’s hand, pulling him up. “Steve Rogers.”
“Yeah. Your friend already mentioned that. Sam Wilson. I work at the VA here.”
“You a Vet?”
Sam nodded and mused.
“Pararescue. Lost my friend there.”
“Sorry to hear that,” Steve said quietly and Sam smiled at him.
“It gets better. Easier. It will never go away but it will get easier by getting back, finding friends,” he waved towards Bucky, “and another purpose. There will be bad days, but they will get less frequently and if you need something, anything, come to the VA.”
Steve nodded, then tugged at Bucky’s sleeve.
“Come on. I need coffee.” Bucky groaned and Steve smiled.
“I agree. A menace. And a child.” He closed the book. “Yeah yeah. Stop tugging! ‘m coming.” Sam laughed and waved after them.
“See you tomorrow!” Steve waved back and nodded.
“You come with me again tomorrow?” he asked when they were walking down the streets of DC towards the Café. Bucky shrugged.
“Dunno yet. I am behind with work and I kinda think I should get done some more or my boss loses his patience even though he told me to take my time. But I don’t want to anger Iron Man, Tony can be a very unpredictable man.”
Steve stopped in his tracks.
“You work for Stark?” Bucky turns around, looking at Steve with a raised eyebrow, considering him.
“How do you think I could afford a place like this AND live right next to Captain America? I mostly design and help construct robots and machines. I have a degree in engineering and Stark took a chance on me three years ago. He knows about everything. He is considerate but, as previously mentioned, unpredictable. He gave me something when I had nothing.” He ended, shrugging and Steve stared at him.
He didn’t know Tony very well, he hadn’t spent much time outside of the team with the genius but hearing Bucky like this makes Tony sound like more than the genius playboy billionaire that he was and the self-pretentious bastard he was in public.
Steve gulped lightly and then started forward again. Bucky looked at him worried.
“Uhm… you don’t have a problem with me working for Stark, right? I promise I am not a spy for him or anything. We barely ever talk about anything besides work.” Bucky’s hand moved from his side like he wanted to hold onto Steve’s hand (hell, he wanted to take Steve’s hand and never let this man go) but decided against it. Steve took his hand and smiled at him.
“Never thought you’d tell him anything at all. It just… Maybe I was shocked at little because I didn’t even know what your work was and then you are working for my colleague.” He gave Bucky a smile, a simple, bright smile. An intimate smile. It did things to Bucky that nothing a friend did should do to him. But it did. And unable not to, he shot Steve a smile of his own, simple. Unsure. But Steve didn’t seem to mind. He squeezed Bucky’s hand once and then dropped it.
Arriving at the Café, Steve went to get them their coffee and Bucky went to the back where the Couches were and let himself fall into one. A few minutes later Steve arrived with their coffees and after setting them down on the table Steve snatched the book out of the backpack and opened it.
“Hey.” Bucky murmured over his coffee and Steve grinned.
“I thought you wanted to educate me.”
“Sherlock Holmes was written in the late 19th century. When you were born A Study in Scarlet was already 30 years old.” Steve frowned at him.
“Nerd.”
“Takes one to know one, punk.”
“Touché, jerk.”
“Ohhh he speaks French. Show off.” Bucky teases and Steve sticks his tongue out.
“I have many qualities besides being fast and strong.”
“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Perfect. Gorgeous face, charming smile and a big heart. You are a walking wet dream.” Bucky deadpans but he means every word and Steve snorts.
“Careful that you don’t confuse me with yourself, doll.” He winks, then opens the first page of the book and Bucky opens one of the books he has on his tablet and they read in mutual silence.
None of them could stop thinking about the conversation that had happened just minutes ago. They felt giddy, light headed and both were sure, there was something coming between them that was more than just a simple friendship. But one of them finally had to take the first step. Too bad both of them also were cowards if it came to relationships. Bucky, never really having a successful relationship and Steve never having ANY relationship wasn’t a perfect ground to stand on.
Bucky’s phone rang and Steve picked it up, due to being closer to the table.
“Who’s it?” Bucky asked and looked up, not bothered that Steve just picked up his phone. The blond just grinned and accepted the call.
“Rogers on Barnes phone. What can I do for you, Tony?” Bucky snorted and the waitress who had just come to their table, refilling their coffee smiled at him. He winked back and it made her blush before she turned around and went back behind the counter.
“Yeah, he is here. We were out… No, I am not—“, Steve blushed and now Bucky wanted to know what Stark was saying, “I am not fucking him.” Steve muttered and Bucky laughed again, delighted to see Steve blush. “Yeah, that was him—Okay. I tell him. See you later, Stark.”
Steve hung up the phone, Bucky still chuckling and he threw the phone at the owner. He held up one finger, indicating Steve to wait a minute.
“Ouch. What did he say?” Bucky asked, after catching his breath.
“A car is sent to our building in about three hours. Stark says he needs your help with something in person and wants me for my new suit. And he accused me of sleeping with you.”
Bucky raised an eyebrow. “And that bothers you because…” he trails off and stares at Steve. He didn’t really mean something with that question but it was fun teasing the other man and Steve didn’t disappoint when he stumbled over his words, explaining (or at least trying to) explain what he meant.
“NO! No. No. I don’t—It doesn’t bother me. Not the thought of sleeping with another man. You, in this case. But—I just—I meant… you are more… I want y—someone… to be more than just a sex partner. I mean… I never… and I want it to mean something. If with a friend or… partner. Just—I don’t know how any of it works. The relationship thing and—” Bucky started laughing again and Steve looked at him shocked.
“Stop, bevor you talk yourself into a stroke or something. I was joking, Jesus Christ.” Bucky said, after stopping to laugh and took Steve’s hand into his. “I never accused you of anything. And I have no idea how this relationship stuff works as well. Every relationship I had so far crashed and burned in front of me.”
Steve glared and then leaned back into the couch, taking a deep breath. The corners of his mouth turned up.
“Yeah. Okay. Sorry I was just—”
“Finish your coffee, we gotta go. If Stark wants me there so soon I will stay in New York for a while and I need to pack. And call him again. I need one of his fancy apartments.”
“You could stay on my floor.” Steve offered when his mouth talked before his brain could catch up.
“Okay. Then I still have to pack and gather all my files I haven’t transferred to my computer yet.” Bucky said without batting an eye. Steve nodded and motioned to their coffees.
“Want me to ask if we could get them in a to-go cup?”
Bucky nodded and took the book from Steve, putting it back into the backpack. Steve went to pay for their drinks and they met up in front of the door, the back of Steve’s hand touching Bucky’s for a second before leaving the building and walking towards theirs.
Steve opened the door of the building, letting them into the building. On their floor, Steve takes Bucky’s hand, squeezes it and disappears into his apartment with a smile just like every morning when they returned together.
Bucky himself enters his apartment, starting to pack up his stuff and going through his fridge. The few things he had that would go bad soon he took out and knocked on Sharon’s door, telling her to eat it, he would probably be gone for a few days, work emergency. Then he went to pack clothes into his duffle bag (a present from one of his friends when he started working at Stark Industries. It was an Iron Man duffle and he would have kicked his friend if he wouldn’t live in California).
He shoved his laptop and a few of the scribbles he had made into his backpack and a few of his discs even though he had every album also on his iPod Shuffle or on his phone and his laptop but he knew Steve liked the discs and it wasn’t like he had a weight maximum on his baggage or whatsoever.
There was a knock on his bedroom window.
“I am done packing. Need help?” Steve asked through the glass and Bucky stared at him in utter disbelief.
“Did you really climb over a 2 meter wide gap just to look through my window?” the brunet muttered and Steve outside nodded seriously. Bucky walked towards the window, smiling at Steve lightly and the blonde’s eyes smiled at him so bright and earnest that it was a shame when Bucky pulled the curtains close.
“Hey.” He heard as reply and then the clatter of Steve climbing back over onto his fire escape. Bucky was utterly lost. Sam was right. Menace.
He put his packed duffle and backpack onto his couch and goes, opening the door where, as expected, Steve hovered, changed and showered just like when Bucky saw him through the window. Steve pouted and looked at Bucky with big, sad puppy eyes and, growing up with a little sister, he stared at Steve with a blank look.
“That was mean,” Steve said and Bucky turned around, feigning ignorance and fighting a smile. Steve was an honest to god child sometimes. Every time Bucky thought about it, he felt sad for his friend. Growing up during the depression and being as sick as the history books and the Smithsonian tell, he had to have not much of a childhood. Then his mother’s death when he was only 18. He knew Steve was mostly fine in that regard. It was just that Bucky knew part of how Steve must feel and add the whole pressure of being a national icon and superhero… Bucky hated thinking about it.
A hand wrapped around his wrist.
“Do you have a minute?” He heard Steve and turned around, but Steve turned his head and Bucky wasn’t able to read his expression. It made him feel queasy. Steve always talked to him openly about nearly everything, but for now, he let himself be dragged towards the couch and Steve curled up against Bucky’s side. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s upper body and the blond hid his eyes in Bucky’s neck.
“You probably saw the live broadcast about the attack in New York a few months back?” Bucky nodded and Steve continued, nodding a bit himself. “What no one knows is.. is that I’ve been found only about a month before that and… had a little more than three weeks in this century…
I woke up in a room that was supposed to look like New York in 1944 or ‘45. But there was this baseball game on the radio. It was from ’41. I know because I’ve seen it. And… I was scared.” Steve exhaled a shaky breath and Bucky held him closer, tighter. “I thought Hydra found me. I jumped through the walls of the setup. Ran through New York and ended up on Times Square. I met Fury there. He told me what year we had. How long I’ve been asleep. I had missed my date with Peggy. I had promised her I wouldn’t be too late, y’know. I spent a while in a safe house somewhere in nowhere. It felt like a prison to me.
Then they took me back to the city and put me in an apartment in Brooklyn. It was nice, but it all was so different. It felt so wrong. It was like… like walking through a dream. You understand what I mean?”
Bucky nodded again, not able to reply. Steve had carried all that around for a while now. And getting it out, telling it Bucky, was one hell of an act of faith. Bucky’s chest tightened and he tried not to let tears spill out of his eyes. His neck felt wet and he was sure he had heard Steve’s breath hitch during he was talking.
“Then, I am at the gym, having not slept for two days because I was scared to wake up and still be frozen in the Valkyrie or be in a lab with HYDRA and I’ve been breaking this punching back and then Fury comes in and tells me to get dressed. We had to go to Stuttgart, Germany. Alien on the loose. Alien.” Steve let out a hysteric laugh.
“I mean. How crazy is that? Back to Germany, who was the enemy to me only a few weeks prior. Back into a new suit. I wasn’t prepared for any of it. I still ain’t. It feels like I don’t get the chance to adjust to where I am.
When I am with you… you don’t care that I don’t know. You don’t care who I am. You just accept that I am Steve Rogers, that I’ve spent a few years in war and that I am broken. And you show me what I’ve missed like it were only five or six years not nearly seventy. You don’t try to fix me. You try to help me that I fix myself the way I want to. That I accept myself and that is more than I could hope for.” Steve stopped talking, the words, after tumbling out one after another, stuck in his throat and a sob found its way instead. Bucky pushed Steve an arm’s length away and his thumb brushed the tears away from underneath his eyes.
“Stevie. You are not broken, okay. You may be cracked but you only are broken when you believe you can’t be fixed or get better. We both are cracked but I know you can get better because you don’t let yourself break and that makes you so strong. And so much better than me. I had a time when I nearly broke. After my parents and all. But then there was College and when Stark offered me this position three years ago. I couldn’t let myself break. And you won’t either. You haven’t yet. And you won’t because I won’t let you.”
Steve smiled at him. A small, wobbly smile. Blurry around the edges but so real. So grateful.
“And this is what I was thinking about when we came back. I am scared of going back to New York. It is the first time since… the Chitauri invasion. And I couldn’t go. Not without you. I need you. And then again I feel so selfish.
Buck… I… you… you are so, so selfless. You help me through it all. You are there whenever I need you. You catch me if I fall, you know when I need cheering up. I want to do that for you too. I so want to. But I can’t. I just can’t because I am not as strong as you are. I know you suffer. I know you’re hurting, but I can’t…”
At this point, Bucky literally tackled Steve into the couch behind them and Steve yelped. Bucky sat on Steve’s chest, smiling down at him with a sad frown.
“Steve that is bullshit. First off, you are NOT selfish, you understand? You are a great guy. You are amazing and selfless. Just in other ways. You let me help you. And that is the second point. You help me with that. By letting me help you, you give me a purpose to keep on fighting. You give me a purpose to get better. I will never be healthy. No way. But neither of us will. But by letting me help you, you help me. Never think you are selfish. And even if, people are allowed to be.
I am selfish too. I want to be your friend, no matter what. I want to keep you as a friend, even if Stark or the others on your team say, I am no good. I am with you till the end of the line. Or as long as you’ll have me.”
“Till the end of the line?” Steve’s smile was watery and he pulled Bucky down and the brunet cuddled into his chest.
“Till the end of the line and beyond.”
“Did you just…” Steve blinked up at him and Bucky laid a finger on Steve’s lips.
“Shut up and embrace the fact that you just understood a pop-culture reference.” And they both bursted into laughter.
An hour later, a car down on the street honked and Bucky’s phone rang, Happy telling them to come downstairs.
“You cut your hair.” Was the first thing Tony said when Bucky entered the workshop in Stark Tower and Bucky huffed. Steve was on his floor, sleeping in after the Asgardian mead had knocked him off his feet yesterday. They had arrived in New York a week ago and Steve was doing better than he himself had anticipated.
“And got it dyed blond. What do think am I doing when you give me a day off and your girlfriends tells me to treat myself, you will take the bill?” Tony gaped.
“Pepper makes me your sugar daddy. I have to talk to her. JARVIS where is Pepper?”
“Miss Potts is currently in a meeting about Mr. Barnes Veteran Prosthesis Series, Sir.”
Tony nodded solemnly, then perked up.
“But shouldn’t Cap be your sugar daddy or something? I mean…”
“Tony. Don’t.” Bucky warned and goes over to the screen, pulling up his most recent plan for the metal arm. “We need to talk about this first. Bruce said he will be with us in about ten minutes.”
“But what is happening between you and Cap?”
“We are neighbors and friends. We help each other. Just like I helped you not long after you took me in.” Tony nodded and when JARVIS told them that Bruce was on his way, the two mechanics pulled out the different prototypes for the arms and Tony called over Dum-E.
Two years later
“How is Cap?” Tony asked when Bucky stepped into the common area and the Avengers crowded around him, hovering, staring. Even Natasha looked at him worried and sad.
“He will be fine. He is asleep but I am not sure how long. JARVIS is playing baby monitor.” He tapped against his right ear, indicating the com that was connected to their apartment’s bedroom. “Being frozen again really took its toll on him. He believed I wasn’t me for a while here. Took some time till I could convince him that he was still here and that he wasn’t years in the future, only hours. And here I thought this Loki guy learned his lessons back in 2011 when Hulk smashed him.”
“How did you manage it?” Clint asked, now sinking back into the cushions of the couch and taking another sip from his coffee pot. Bucky raised his shirt a little bit, showing his newest tattoo, the one that was still healing. Steve had calmed down when he had seen that the skin was still raw, irritated. That the tattoo was new. Clint nodded.
“Good thing we only went a few days ago, right?” Bucky grinned, then took the pot from the archer, taking a sip. Clint had long given up on trying to keep Bucky from doing that.
All of the Avengers were pretty sure that Bucky and Steve had been dating for the last two years since they met in their apartment building in DC, both vehemently denying being a couple.
Only Natasha knew the truth. And Sam, but the Falcon was down in DC, preparing the charity ball where Bucky and Tony would present their new prosthesis for Veterans next week.
The truth was, Bucky and Steve were in Love, Stark had long made sure that the adjoining bedroom wall separating their apartments had a door (which was always open, but well) but in a night of nightmares and a nervous breakdown from Bucky after his parents death day had come up, they had agreed on not labeling their relationship. They slept in the same bed most of the time, they slept with each other, they took each other out for dates (dinner, movie, a walk, whatever they were in the mood for). But a relationship was too unstable.
“Friendships often work better with me,” Bucky confessed and Steve nodded.
“Less pressure on both parts.” He had mumbled and Bucky had his turn in nodding in agreement.
“So… then what are we?’ Friends with benefits’ doesn’t sound right.”
“Nothing I could label you right now would be fitting or enough. You are my everything, Bucky Barnes. We are whatever we want to be.”
“Sap.” Bucky had said, smiling and trailed his hand over Steve’s abs. “But I love it.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Mr. Barnes. Captain Rogers is awake and asks for you. I already turned on the bathtub as you requested.” JARVIS voice came from the ceiling and in his ear, Bucky could hear Steve calling his name, scared and it sounded like he was about to cry. Bucky jumped up and hurried into the elevator, riding down from the penthouse/common floor to their apartment. He gave the rest of The Avengers a tight smile before the doors closed and when he arrived on their floor, Steve like literally fell into his arms.
“Steve… what?”
“You were gone. I got scared. JARVIS said you were on your way back down and I was waiting here for you. Sorry… I am…” Steve gulped and bit his lip, stopping himself from talking himself down.
“Hu..uhh. Come on. Strip. We’re taking a bath. J already filled the tub.” Bucky just said. Steve hated to be babied sometimes and by now Bucky knew when he had to be straightforward with the blond. Steve did as Bucky said, getting rid of his Underwear and Shirt and threw it into the hamper in the bedroom. The tub was filled exactly like Bucky had told Jarvis and he sat down in the water, letting Steve lean against his chest and held him there tightly. Bucky was so relieved the tattoo was healed over enough for baths. About twenty minutes later, Steve was once again asleep against Bucky and not wanting to wake him, he asked JARVIS to call Thor down.
Together they got Steve dressed and into the bed without waking him and Bucky thanked the god, hugging him goodbye since he would escort his brother (once again) back to Asgard. Then he climbed back into bed, laying his head on Steve’s Chest and fell asleep, only to get woken up by Clint dropping into their bedroom at 6 am to get them for breakfast. If he hadn’t promised coffee, Bucky would have thrown Steve’s shield at him (Bucky could handle that thing NEARLY as good as Steve. And Clint knew it).
The Avengers had gathered around the big table on the terrace of the common floor, Pepper sitting opposite Tony, both on one head of the table. Bucky and Steve were the last ones to arrive, Pepper giving them each a kiss on their cheeks, smiling happily they were there for once and she wasn’t the only non-Avenger.
The happy chatter started up but next to him, Steve was fidgeting in his seat, his eyes flickering between Tony, Bucky, and the door. When the others were listening closely to one of Clint’s stories, Bucky looked at Steve.
“You good? Need to go back downstairs?” Steve gulped but shook his head.
“They’d understand if you…” Bucky started but Steve shook his head again.
“It’s not that.” He said. “I am just… nervous.” Bucky raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation. Around them, the chatter downed down when everyone noticed the tension between the pair.
“I wanted to give you something two days ago. Two days and two years ago I came back from a mission fighting this Dr. Doom guy. I think I never told you why I had the breakdown and I know you don’t care. But he hid in an old HYDRA facility. The one, where I found and rescued the 107th. And where I met Red Skull for the first time. And in my apartment, it all crashed down on me. The memories of Red Skull and the crash. Of Peggy and the Commandos. All the dreams I had while frozen. And then there was you. You pulled me out of it. I knew from the moment I saw you in the hallway while moving in, that you could become a friend. I helped you carry your sound system and knew I found a friend. Then you took care of me even though you didn’t know me. And it all just… built up from there. But we are here and I love you, have for the past two years and you know it. And I know we said we don’t want to label it, we don’t want to date. But I want to get married. If that is what you want too.” Steve pulled out a little blue box out of his Hoodie and when he opened it, Bucky stared at a new Industrial Piercing in plain silver and the little orbs on each side were painted like the Captain America shield. With tears in his eyes, Bucky looked at Steve and the blond smiled. Around them, the Avengers didn’t even dare to breathe. Bucky took the box out of Steve’s hand.
“It is made out of Vibranium. Like the shield. Tony made it for me.” Steve smiled lightly. “I put a lot of thought into it. Rings are so… traditional, but we aren’t. We are special, what we have is something else entirely. And I mean… everyone touches your hand every day somehow. But your ear. It’s a much more intimate place.” Steve put the few bangs of Bucky’s hair from his face and fastened them behind his ears, a finger stroking the red industrial lightly. “I am the only one who gets to touch your ear. You only let people you trust touch your ear. And I want this promise to be special, intimate and ours alone as was the relationship we had before.”
Tears were streaming down Bucky’s cheeks and his breath hitched. And not even Natasha would deny that a tear left her eyes. With shaking hands, Bucky pressed the box back into Steve’s hand and oh no, he doesn’t say no, he can’t that was just so perfect why would he say no any of the Avengers thought but Steve’s face didn’t fall and Bucky’s hand went up towards his industrial and unscrewed one of the stars that held the piercing in place. Pulled it out of his ear and turned his head. Steve took the new piercing into his hands and gently put it into his fiancé's ear. It fit perfectly because it was handmade by Tony so what did anyone expect and when the orb was fastened, Bucky turned and pressed his face into Steve’s neck.
“God I hate you.” They heard him mumbled and Steve chuckled, hands stroking the blond-blueish hair. “It’s all Starks fault. When I turned twenty I never expected to survive until I was 25. Then Stark took his chance on me and now I am nearly 30 and Captain America wants me to be his husband. You…” he sobbed and looked around the table at his friends. Friends and family. “You guys gave me a life and more than I ever dared to ask for. Thank you all. Thank you.” He turned back to Steve and pulled his fiancé, future HUSBAND, in for a kiss.
It was the first time they showed affection outside their home, their apartment. In front of people. Their family.
“So they WERE in a relationship all this time.”
“They weren’t Tony.”
“But Nat, they just—“
“Clint. They weren’t an official couple and not in a relationship.” Natasha replied and Bucky turned away from Steve, looking at the other Avengers.
“As he said. We never labeled our relationship because we are not good if it comes to dating. Dating and being married are two entirely different things. One is a sworn bond. The other… dating is just… weird. So we never did. We were just friends who kissed, went out and fucked occasionally. Now we get married. Easy as that.”
“None of us wanted the heartbreak a relationship can bring. If it was never official we couldn’t break something. Though it was clear to the both of us that there wasn’t anyone else but the other.”
“God, you are the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.” Tony gushed and the rest of the Avengers stared at the sudden outburst and the genius actually blushed. “Did I say that out loud?”
“Loud and clear.” Natasha teased.
“JARVIS tell me you recorded it and can send it to my phone.” Bucky laughed.
“Certainly Mr. Barnes. Captain Rogers I already took the liberty to send the recording of your little speech to your and Mr. Barnes’s phone.”
The blond blushed but smiled at his new fiancé.
“Thank you JARVIS.”
Pepper got up from her chair, coming over and giving them both a kiss on their cheeks.
“If you need any help planning the ceremony, just tell JARVIS and I’ll see what I can do. Don’t ask Tony for help.”
“Hey!”
“Thank you, Miss Potts,” Steve answered smiling and Pepper scolded.
“It’s Pepper.” And with that, she went towards the elevator. “I have a meeting with the sponsors for next week’s gala. I’ll see you all there.” Then she disappeared. Tony clapped his hands, smiling brightly
“So Barnes. What did you have in mind for Cap’s engagement ring?”
“Not sure yet. The only thing I know for sure is that our first dance will be on 21 Guns by Green Day.” Bucky smiled at his fiancé and he nodded.
“Sounds perfect.”
“Just like it should be.”
One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the skyYou and I…