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“So I’m terribly, ridiculously, horribly in love with you and these chess games are just an excuse to spend more time with you and hey! You and Uhura are broken up anyway and she actually approves for some strange reason so bonus?” Jim shook his head and his mirror image shook back. He reached out with his towel and rubbed the steam away again. It had built up while he’d been contemplating and at some point he was going to have to do his hair. “Yeah no. That’s terrible even for me. God, what made me think this was a good idea?”
Uhura. Uhura made him think this was a good idea. Well, no, less that and more “for god’s sake Kirk, tell him or I will, and then I’ll beat you up for moping around all the time and making me tell him out of desperation”. That had to be an empty threat. He was pretty sure his Communications Officer wasn’t actually allowed to beat him up. Pretty sure. Not that she could beat him up but if he got in a fight with the guy-who-he’s-maybe-secretly-been-harbouring-a-crush-over-for-the-last-six-month’s (actually longer but he couldn’t track the moment he had actually fallen in love with Spock to when he had actually been hit with the clue bat about six months back) ex-girlfriend (and they were still cordial and sweet and everything to each other for crying out loud), it wouldn’t look good on him. He was trying to impress Spock after all. If he and Uhura were still good friends (really, he didn’t get it, except for he kind of did, and pretending he didn’t made Uhura fume which was hilarious), he would try his level best to get along with her.
Even if the two of them got along like oil and freakin fire. Uhura said he was the oil because he was all slippery and gross, he said she was jealous cause he was so slick, and besides, oil was basically about the colour of her hair, though oil smelt better, plus fire was bright and hot, and really, who better fit that description? ...Uhura said the only thing bright was his hair.
Yeah, they didn’t get along. Except for how they totally did and the ribbing at this point was just for fun. He wasn’t sure if Spock understood that though, so he was trying to be nicer. It was going about as well as could be expected.
“So every time I see you on the bridge I can’t stop staring at you, and not in a perverted, leering, checking you out way. It’s like you’re the only person I can notice, and I can’t look away from you, or your perfect posture and do you know you have amazing eyes?”
He stood there for a moment, contemplating the pinning beauty of Spock’s eyes until he remembered that was a girly thing. Not that Spock would know about those things, so maybe he could be a little girly. He sighed.
“You’re amazing. You’re amazing and perfect and I can’t believe you even deign to spend time with me considering how much of an idiot I am. And I’m worse around you because every time I see you I can’t think, I can’t even breathe, so half the time I stand there gaping like a fish and I really don’t understand how you can stand to be around me sometimes with how stupid I act around you. I just can’t look at you and not be reminded how much of a genius you are, and how you’re actually funny though you won’t admit it because it’s ‘un-Vulcan’, and I love how you stand up for your principles and your culture even when it’s infuriating, and I just can’t bear to look at you sometimes because it makes me ache inside with how much I want you... How much I love you.” He shook his head. “I sound like a bad romance movie. Am I allowed to sound like a bad romance movie?”
“It’s a love confession Kirk.” Came Uhura’s voice from his room where she was putting together an outfit for him. “Yes. You’re allowed to sound like a bad romance movie. In fact, considering it’s Spock I’d lay on the sap.”
“Yeah, knowing my luck I’ll come out with “I like you Spock” and he’ll blink at me and I’ll go “No, I really like you” and he’ll say “It is only logical for crewmembers to be amiable towards each other” and I’ll be all “No, I love you Spock” “Of course Captain, the bond between a Captain and his First Officer is paramount” and then I’ll give up, go home, and beat my head into the wall. Why did we think this was a good idea? He probably won’t even realise I’m making a love confession Uhura!” He wailed out the door. “His culture is all about the subtle emotions, and humans are illogically emotional, overly so even, and they’ve got that whole t’hyla thing which I also can’t use cause it means friend and brother along with lover and he’ll probably just take the first two definitions and roll with it and why did we think this was a good idea?”
“Stop panicking!” She shouted at him. Her voice was muffled. She was probably in his closet searching for a shirt that was a black undershirt or a gold overshirt. He wished her luck in that venture. He was pretty sure that anything not Starfleet-regulation no longer existed in his closet. They hadn’t had shore leave in ages and since he’d be in love with Spock for forever (which may or may not have been an exaggeration, he was pretty sure Spock taught him what love was... he mentioned that to Uhura and she didn’t answer, she might have been ignoring him) he hadn’t needed anything classy to pick up women or anything. Plus their last shore leave was on a sunny planet so if he did have anything it was probably board shorts and a couple tank tops. Wait no, senior bridge crew had gone out one night and he had picked up a nice blue button-up. He mostly wanted to see if Spock would react to see him in something classy (he hadn’t, but it had mostly been a halcyon dream anyway). Spock had seen him in that already though.
“Easy for you to say,” He yelled. “You’re not trying to admit to your emotional constipated First Officer that you’re in love with him and his stupid perfect face.”
“Don’t use that one Jim.” She said.
“No shit.” He threw back at her. “Help me out Uhura! How do you confess to a practically-perfect-in-every-way and utterly fucking gorgeous to boot First Officer you’re in love with him when you’re a pretty-faced asinine Captain who basically got his ship on a fluke cause really, who else were they gonna give it to?”
“Kirk, I haven’t heard this level of self-flagellation from you in... Well, ever. And considering I’ve read most of your papers I know for damn certain you aren’t that stupid. You all right?” Her voice was almost-sympathetic..
“No, I’m freaking out. Seriously Uhura,” He said. He had started filling the sink with water and was lathering up his face. While a bit of scruff was usually sexy, he wasn’t sure if Vulcan logic appreciated an unshaven face. Plus stubble was itchy so he might as well be physically comfortable if he was going to be in emotional turmoil. “I’m well aware of each and every one of my faults. I know that even four years in, Command is still waiting for me to screw this up, and I feel like every time I do something wrong, they add another check to the list of reasons why they never should have given me this ship in the first place. I was a huge fuck-up before I hit Starfleet. Considering the man I’m confessing to had me brought up on charges involving me cheating, I feel like I probably shouldn’t kid myself that Spock doesn’t know exactly who I am. I’m better than I was, but compared to Spock? I could spend the rest of my life being the best person I can be and still not measure up to half of what Spock has already accomplished. And I can’t help but think every time I look at Spock that I’m nowhere near worthy enough to even be in the same room, let alone think of being with him.” He sighed and picked up his razor. He shaved carefully as he spoke. “This is not one of our better ideas Uhura. I can’t even imagine this going well, let alone... Goddammit. Why did I have to fall in love with the one person that I actually respect so much I’m fucking terrified to be around them?”
“Well if you hadn’t it wouldn’t be love. Would it?” She asked him.
He snorted and flicked a bit of foam harder than was necessary in the sink. “Yeah. I guess. Still. Dammit Uhura. He’s smart, and he’s funny, and he drop-dead gorgeous and he and I just seem to click, y’know? I love Bones, but Spock is... He’s everything. I actually can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like if I had someone else beside me on the bridge. I trust him more than anyone else. I would never let anyone else watch my back without always looking over my shoulder. I just- I know he’ll be there. If I lose that... I don’t know what I’ll do. But I need him. I need him like you wouldn’t believe. Like I wouldn’t believe. I can’t even understand how one person could come to mean so much to me.” He paused and wiped his face with the towel. He looked at his reflection in the mirror seriously, contemplating. He looked all right, but would it be enough? “It’s like- It’s like I finally understand why my mum broke so bad, y’know? Because if what she felt was even half of what I do, I can get that. How losing that person could utterly destroy you. How you wouldn’t know what to do once they were gone. I need him. I love him so much. I just... I never thought I’d reach this point. The whole love thing. Didn’t even know what it really was or what the point of it was, but I get it now. I feel like I could die tomorrow and be happy if he smiled that not-smile at me.” He set the razor down and turned off the tap. Best he could do. He really should do something with his hair though...
“Pretty sure he wouldn’t be smiling if you died Kirk.”
“Well no, we’d all mourn my death. There’d be a huge funeral, lots of flowers and weeping people, and everyone would be sad. Now your funeral on the other hand, smiles all around.” He laughed.
“Fuck you Kirk.” She said, but he knew she was laughing too.
“Nah, I’m kidding. I’m pretty sure even Keenser would cry at your funeral. A very solemn affair.” He stated. Spiky or not? Maybe better to not use the gel. He was making a love confession, not a pass. The less young he seemed the better. Was gel a childish thing? To hell if he knew. What made him think he had any idea what he was doing?
“Screw that. I wanna go out with a bang. I want everyone ridiculously drunk and having a good time at my funeral. Maybe a few speeches for the appropriate feel, can’t have people forgetting how much they miss me and my wonderful self, but after that? Piñatas and chocolates and beer. And fireworks.”
He snorted, holding on to the sink as he tried not to hit the floor laughing. “Sing it sister. Hey, here’s a thought, we go out together and we can have a duel funeral and everyone has to get twice as drunk. Cause I don’t want people saying when I’m dead that I stole your idea.” He could hear her roar of laughter.
“But then that’s not fair. Spock would be losing a best friend and a lover all in the same go. We can’t do that to him.”
“You got a helluva lot more hope than I do about this night if you think Spock would deign to grow old with me. I can’t even think past this night and you’re thinking the rest of the foreseeable future.”
“Hell yes I am. I already started planning your wedding.” He could hear the conviction in her voice and smiled. Good old Uhura. “I’m singing at the reception, and for the first dance I’m thinking ‘Nearness of You’ or something equally sappy and pathetic to suit you two, I’m also Spock’s best man, Leonard is the bridesgroom and you’re in the dress.”
He nearly fell over laughing. “There’s no way in hell you’re getting me in a dress, but considering your talents, I’m not so sure so I’ll let that one go and ask instead: Is Chekov the flower boy?”
“Nah, Scotty. I figure he can throw out chocolate liqueurs instead of flowers.”
“Jesus Uhura. Is it not too late to change my mind and marry you instead?” He asked.
“Nope. You’re already pregnant. It’s a shotgun wedding, only it’s Sulu, and he has a katana.”
“Right so what’s Chekov?” He shook his head, eyes tearing up with glee.
“Well, Sulu’s the angry katana-wielding father, which would make Chekov the horrified mother. Her baby James, pregnant of all things! And with that Sch’nn T’gai boy!” Her voice went into an approximation of old country Southern folk.
He was pretty sure he would piss himself in a moment. “Wait, wouldn’t Bones make a better angry shotgun-wielding Southern pa?” He asked.
“Well yes, but then that would mean he and Chekov would be married and that just wouldn’t work.”
“Still working on Sulu and Chekov then Ms. Matchmaker?” He asked, finally getting around to putting his shaving kit away.
“You scorn now, but I’m doing quite well. Leonard is with Chapel, Chekov and Sulu are one lock in the closet away from true love, myself and Scotty... Well, I’ll get there once I get him away from the bloody ship... Maybe higher boots.” She pondered.
“Here’s my tip for the day Uhura. Forget the boots, and the dress. Throw on a pair of coveralls, help him reconfigure the ship and he’ll be putty in your hands.” He said and paused, thinking. “That or throw a virus in there all sneaky-sneaky that’s linguistic base and it’ll be all “Oh nae! Me wee ship has a virus in her pretty little brain! Ms. Uhura if you could be so kind as to help? Ach well I’ll be damned! The wee lass is a genius in her own right! Why did I never notice before? Ms. Uhura if you’d be kind as to join me for sandwiches and we can discuss your beautiful fixin-up of me ship?” and you’ll be set. I’d even help with the virus.” He added.
There was a long pause. “Damn Jim, that’s actually genius.”
“Of course it is.” He preened and threw his towel over the shower rod. He was still fiddling with his hair. He had no idea what to do with it.
“Anyway!” Uhura stated, almost gleeful now. “So now with that in mind, Scotty will be mine. This just leaves you and Spock. Once I get you two set up we’ll all be matched!”
He paused in pulling back his bangs. Were bangs bad? Were they childish? Dammit, why did everything he have seem kid-ish now of all times? “Uh Uhura, not that I mind you helping, but I don’t think Spock and I are destined to be together because we’re the only two senior bridge crew left.” Normally he liked his hair.
“No but it certainly helps. You two are meant to be Kirk. What was it old Spock said? ‘A friendship that would define you both'? Sounds fishy to me. I think he was trying not to influence and he really meant you two are meant to make out passionately and be together forever.”
He made a face. “This is a little creepy coming from his ex.”
“Pshaw. We didn’t work out but Spock is a sweetheart. He deserves someone and fate has decreed that someone be you.” She said.
“Pretty sure fate would want someone a little better for Spock.” He said. Damn his hair anyway. He pushed it flat, and then ran his fingers through it instead. It would have to be good enough. He might just have enough time to do something with it once it dried.
“Oh right, because who else is he gonna find that’s as smart as he is, can call him on his shit, understands him completely, can beat him at chess, would do anything for him, and loves him irrevocably?”
He paused; he could feel his face flushing and could see it in the mirror. “I’m not as smart as him...”
“Kirk, please try to remember that I have read your papers. You kind of are. I notice you have no arguments for the rest.” He opened his mouth, not that he was sure what he would’ve said when she continued. “You love him and his stupid face. I heard you. I personally think that’s enough.”
He just sighed. “I suppose. Anyway, I can’t get my stupid hair to work. Can you help?”
He could hear her exasperated tone from in the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. “Of course I can. Really though Jim, you have nothing to worry about.”
“So says you. I just... I can’t screw this up Uhura. I really can’t. Even if I fuck up the words, if I don’t look so bad, maybe he won’t mind as much? Ah, who am I kidding?” He stepped out of the bathroom, fingers still twisting around a curl of hair. Dammit, he needed a haircut, too late now. “This is ridiculous and hopeless and if I manage to come out of this even remotely unscathed I’ll be-”
He froze when he finally looked up from his hair. Well, at least he knew why her voice was muffled half the time, and why it seemed like she was ignoring his more poignant words. Her hand had been covering her mouth to hide her snorting.
And Spock was sitting on his bed.
He looked at Uhura who just grinned at him and waved. She nearly ran out the door but even through the hand still cupped at her mouth he could hear her laughing. “You sneaky... smarmy... bitch!” He shouted at her as the door closed.
Then the full implications of what she had done settled in and he was pretty sure all the blood in his body had rushed to his face. “Oh.” He turned to Spock. “Spock...” He started helplessly. He didn’t know what to say.
Spock stood up and walked to him.
“You heard.” He finally whispered.
“Yes.” Spock murmured back.
“Right... Umm... Well, I guess you know why I invited you over- I mean of course you do, that’s stupid of me. I mean- I just- Well I-” He finally broke off shaking his head. “How much-?”
“Every word.” Was the response.
“Right.” He could only nod after that. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to run, but this was his room. He wanted to hide in the bathroom, or find the nearest escape pod and hide in a hidden colony somewhere, anywhere.
He was well aware how ridiculous and futile these plans were and he doubted Spock would let him get away with any of them.
He wished he could at least be wearing a shirt right now.
Spock stepped closer and now he was near enough that Jim had to tilt his head up. He didn’t dare presume why Spock was so close but there was a voice in his head that sounded a lot like Uhura screaming at him to just kiss him already.
A part of him just gave up on it all as another larger part decided to take a chance. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Spock’s.
Despite Uhura’s assurances and her sneaky plan he really wasn’t expecting Spock to kiss back.
Wasn’t expecting soft hands to wind around his waist, pulling him in. Lips to pull back and press in deeper, again and once more. To feel slow kisses, as light as butterfly wings brush against him.
When they finally separated he was barely breathing. If he hadn’t had a bracing grip on Spock’s shirt, and really, if Spock hadn’t been basically holding him up, he would have collapsed by now.
“I would be honoured to grow old with you, Jim.” Spock murmured.
“Oh.” He mumbled.
“Yes.” Was the only reply as he leaned in to kiss him again.