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Dirk wasn’t particularly used to human contact. Before Todd was his friend there was... well, no one. Nobody's fingers brushed past his knuckles as they walked side by side, no one to press against in the kitchen while leaning over to reach a mug. He was eternally greatful for this contact, after all he had essentially allowed himself to become so starved of human company that he had begun to lose himself.
Without Todd, he was only a shell.
The problem with that was if Todd ever touched him, he froze. He didn't know how to react to his friend brushing against him, grabbing his hand when they were running away from whatever ridiculous thing they had encountered or their case. Presently, he was sitting on the sofa in Todd's apartment, with a film on the television only being partially watched. Both men were drained from the day's adventures looking for what ended up being only a small racoon in a alleyway, so Todd's eyes were glazed over as he stared into the distance.
Except Dirk felt his friend's leg pressed against him, with the sofa not quite being meant for two. Normally, Dirk would have sat on the armchair across the room, although it had been half-destroyed by the Rowdies. Todd had made the executive decision to chuck it out, but it left them just short of the space the two men needed to sit down. And that was a problem.
As soon as Todd sat down, beer in hand and hair still wet from the shower, Dirk found himself pressed up against Todd in a way that made his stomach feel jittery and his fingers tremble. He couldn't explain the feeling, but it made him feel so tiny, so insignificant next to the man next to him.
Dirk Gently didn't like this - well, he did, and that was the issue. He liked it a little too much and that scared the life out of him.
He decided to have a shower. This was too much.
- - -
Dirk chucked a tea bag into his mug as the kettle began to boil. He rubbed his eyes gently to try and wake himself up, his feet carrying him to the fridge to find the milk. As he rummaged through the disorganised bottles and jars inside, he felt something weigh down on his shoulder.
Hot breath sank down Dirk's collarbone as Todd's face appeared far too close to his own. "Morning Dirk," his voice was croaky from sleep, "Can you grab me the orange juice while you're there?"
"Sure." As suddenly as it had arrived, Todd's chin lifted from it's momentary resting position on his friend's shoulder and shuffled across to the other side of the kitchen.
Dirk was at a loss for a moment, his mind still very much focused on the tingling that eminated from exactly where Todd's chin had touched the exposed part of his neck where his t-shirt had slipped down a bit. His thoughts were all a whirl inside his brain; why did Todd's presence always do that to him? It made no sense, even for someone with as nonsensical a profession as Dirk had.
"Dirk?" Todd tapped him on the shoulder, "you awake buddy?"
"Yep. Orange juice right? Yeah ok. It was Orange juice wasn't it?" Dirk fumbled for the orange juice before practically flinging it into Todd's hands in an attempt to avoid any eye contact or accidental brushes of skin.
Todd looked puzzled. "Dirk are you... are you ok?" he asked, pouring himself a glass of juice.
"Why wouldn't I be?" Dirk replied, his usual chirpy voice finally taking over from the stammering mess that was his inner monologue whenever Todd was vaguely near him or even just brought up in conversation. The two men could be on the other side of the world from each other, but if someone mentioned Todd, it would set butterflies loose in his stomach.
Which, in all honesty, was a tad weird.
- - -
"Hey, Todd, we should check down this alley I think."
"That is literally the last thing I would want to do," Todd raised his eyebrows at his friend, "last time you dragged me down an alleyway, I got attacked by a raccoon."
Dirk nudged the other man with his elbow, turning down the alleyway anyway. "Toddddd. Please?"
"Ugh, I hate you and your hunches." Todd groaned. It was a joke, but it hurt. He knew he was annoying and he (most of the time) could tell that people would rather he wasn't around, but he liked to pretend to himself that maybe people enjoyed his company sometimes. Surely somebody must, and if it were anyone, it would be Todd.
He furrowed his brow and bit his lip, trying to pass it off as a face of curiosity as he looked for information relating to their new case, but in fact the only thing that confused him was why the hell he had this feeling inside him that he would do literally anything for Todd. Even when they were just sat at home, silent and exhausted after a day's trudging around the city, Dirk would look over at his new friend and all he could think would be I would die for this man. I would do anything if it meant he got home safe every night.
He didn't like it- that wasn't what friends were meant to be like. There was a line between being someone's friend and being a creep, and Dirk was sure he had passed it.
Friends didn't shudder when they touched each other, and certainly didn't have to fight random urges to launch themselves into the other's arms.
"Remind me why we're standing in an alley again Dirk?" Todd placed a hand on his shoulder, clearly wanting out of here to avoid any potential raccoon related abuse, "There doesnt seem to be anything interesting here, I don't think."
Dirk was almost glad that the silence had been broken, he didn't really know how to explain that the only reason he had veered suddenly away from the street was that he needed not to be walking directly next to Todd for a moment so he could collect his thoughts and diffuse the tingling that had built up inside him.
He froze as he felt a hand slide into his own and tug him in the direction of the street. "You ok buddy? You look tired, we should go home."
Todd didn't let go until they got home. Dirk couldn't bear to point it out, so he just let it happen.
It felt worryingly good.
- - -
"Get in the damn car you useless fucks!" Farah was yelling from the driver's seat of her car, which was waiting half on the pavement outside a particularly suspicious looking magic shop that Dirk had felt like checking out on a whim.
Dirk and Todd were sprinting out of the aforementioned establishment, followed by it's furious looking owner. Dirk would later tell Farah that they had been chucked out while discovering an potentially important lead in their case, but in fact, the owner had noticed him pocketing items from the display shelf (amongst other things, a travel sized crystal ball and a pack of supposedly disappearing cards).
The two of them jumped through the open back door and piled onto the seat as the owner pulled out a shotgun and waved it at them furiously. He clearly wasn't going to shoot at them, it was just a display of strength, but somehow it was a tad more difficult to rationalise things like that when a man you just attempted to steal from was pointing a gun in your face.
A squeal of tyres ensued as Farah pulled away down the street, looking decidedly pissed off that she had been dragged into this. Dirk and Todd were slammed backwards against the seat by the force of the acceleration, and Dirk suddenly realised that his face was only a couple of inches from the other man's nose. Their legs tangled together as they frantically tried to separate themselves in a moving car driven by a woman who was 100% not in the mood for their bullshit.
It took Dirk far too long to pull himself upright and belt himself into the seat, a safe foot or so away from Todd. His entire body was buzzing with adrenaline and nervous energy and the fact that he basically just rolled around in the back of a car with Todd Brotzman for a good twenty seconds. He chewed at his lip, sinking back into the seat as he tried to relax. His head rested on the glass, eyes glazing over, trying to block out all of the Todd thoughts that seemed to be bouncing around inside his head.
His hand knotted together, becoming clammy and red as he did so. He couldn't even look at Todd- he couldn't let himself betray any sign that he was close to bursting from the butterflies inside his stomach. He missed being able to hug Todd or walk a little bit closer to him than a normal person would, because it made him feel whole again. He just felt like he couldn't. Every time he sank a little too far into a hug, or longed to reach out and grab Todd's hand, he felt as if he was betraying the friendship that they were supposed to have. The friendship that they both needed and deserved.
This needed to stop. It was tearing Dirk apart.
- - -
When they got home, Dirk grabbed Todd's laptop and took it into the side-room that he slept in on an old mattress. Opening up a browser, he searched for cheap flats to rent in the area. Maybe all this would be easier if they didn't spend almost 24 hours a day together. Surely it would at least avoid all the awkward moments that had been torturing Dirk for the past month or so. Maybe if he talked to Farah, she could lend him some money to sort out the rent until the agency earned him some.
Maybe?
"Dirk?" Shit. Dirk panicked and slammed the laptop closed as Todd appeared behind him, leaning against the door frame. "Are you... moving out?"
"What? No.. wh-why would you think that?"
A laugh (which was, Dirk noticed, tinged with annoyance) emulated from behind him. "You're looking at flats available for rent nearby, do I look stupid to you? What's wrong with living here I'm sure we can ask Farah to lend us money for a better bed if you're uncomfortable, is it that?"
Dirk didn't turn around, keeping his gaze fixed furiously on the wall in front of him. He was biting his lip so hard in an attempt to hold back tears that he was surprised he didn't draw blood.
"Dirk what the fuck is going on? I know this flat isn't much but you could at least talk to me about it first couldn't you?" Todd sounded angry now, and it scared Dirk to his core.
"It's not that. Your flat is fine." He mumbled.
"Then why are you leaving?"
The question hit him hard in the chest. It sounded angry, forceful, expectant. Expectant of something that Dirk could never give: an answer. He didn't know what he felt and he didn't know how to stop this all from hurting him so much. Todd deserved to know what was going on in Dirk's head but not even Dirk knew what was going on in Dirk's head.
He panicked, he had hesitated for too long, Todd was going to get angry and he didn't think his heart could take that. What could he say? What answer could he possibly give to the question that had been haunting even himself?
Why was he leaving? He didn't know.
He definitely didn't want to leave, but did he need it? Would it help him with all the feelings boiling over inside his head? No. Probably not.
He lay down on one side and curled up into a ball. A painful sob overcame his limp body.
"Shit Dirk I'm sorry bud." Cautious footsteps traversed the room, and Todd crouched by his friend's confusing form. "I didn't mean to upset you, I mean if you want to move out that's not my choice, although I'd be sad to see you go."
"I don't want to leave Todd," the words were unnaturally quiet. Dirk wasn't a quiet person naturally, but now he could barely be heard, his voice muffled by emotion. "I don't ever want to leave."
"Shh it's okay Dirk. If you want to talk to me about anything it might be easier if you sit up." A gentle hand rested on Dirk's shoulder and, for the first time in about a month, the last thing he wanted was for Todd to let go.
God, he'd missed this.
Dirk apologised for being so upset over nothing. He suddenly found himself pulled into a warm, comforting hug. "Don't be sorry- if you're upset, then it's not over nothing. Now, d'you want to tell me why you've been acting so weird lately?" Dirk hadn't known that his behaviour had been so obvious, but looking back on it he realised he had basically shrunk away from every touch, which was far from normal.
Dirk hesitated, desperately look in for a way to word this. "I... it's just you're my only friend, like ever. And I'm not really used to it all, I think. No one's touched me properly for years, if not to beat me up. I'm not used to being... to being cared for... looked after."
Todd's arms seemed to be the only things holding him together, his warmth the only thing keeping him from freezing over and closing himself off completely. Todd seemed about to say something, but Dirk continued. "And it just... scares me so much. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to let people love you when you've been as shut off from it all for as I have?"
"But how can I help... I mean, am I doing something wrong? I dont want to hurt you any more than I already have Dirk, you know that, don't you?"
Dirk sighed, meeting Todd's eyes with his own, which were read and bleary from tears. "You never hurt me Todd." It was partially true. Partially. "If anything, it would probably hurt more if you changed anything. I just need to learn to... cope."
Todd's hands felt heavy on his skin, and he knew that if they left, the absence of pressure would be unbearable. "I don't want you to cope though, Dirk, I want you to be happy. And comfortable. What is it exactly that you want from me... from this whole thing?"
"Look, everything is perfect, honestly. It's my fault for being so bloody terrified of everything. It's just I've been so starved of human contact and I worry that... if I let myself touch, and let myself enjoy it, I might never be able to let go." There, he'd said it, no going back now.
Todd dropped his gaze momentarily, and let his hands slide down to encase Dirk's own. "This might sound, like, really stupid but... can I kiss you?"
The corners of Dirk's mouth turned up slightly, a minute reaction compared to the hidden explosion of nerves in his stomach. "Please."
A single soft hand reached towards him and cupped one side of his face. Todd pulled him down to meet his lips in one swift movement and Dirk melted. In that moment, Dirk realised that everything that he thought had been wrong between him and Todd was exactly right. The longing to escape from Todd's charm became a complete willingness to fall for it.
Dirk sat, motionless, trying not to reveal how much he was internally screaming. Todd was kissing him. This is what he had needed all this time, not separation, but togetherness. He needed Todd.
When Todd broke away, his lips were replaced by the cold sting of air, and the mere memory of what had just happened between them. "Was that alright?" Todd looked nervous and flushed.
Dirk smirked. "It was great until it stopped. It's a bit shit now it's not happening." He took a shaky breath, before deciding fuck it. He grabbed a fistful of Todd's shirt and dragged it towards him. And their lips met again, this time fast and searching and fearless. Dirk felt like he had all the power on the world now he was the one doing the kissing, even though Todd was partially on top of him by this point.
Todd's fingers danced across his collarbone, and it set Dirk's heart beating in a frenzy. He was almost greatful to have avoided any affectionate human contact for his entire adult life, because all the emptiness and longing and need had built up and up to culminate in what seemed to be the best moment of his entire life.
As his grip on Todd's shirt relaxed, one of the buttons slipped undone and Dirk's knuckles slid past bare skin. Shit. Dirk was close to imploding. Their eyes met for a moment, looking for assurance, but shortly after that Todd's shirt was forgotten completely. He found suddenly that he was now the one on top, and he liked this even more.
He felt a tiny nibble on his bottom lip, and couldn't stop himself letting out the tiniest hum of joy. Todd sniggered upon hearing the noise that he had caused.
Dirk blushed (if it was possible for his face to redden more than it already had) and lowered his gaze. "Sorry, I... that was an accident."
"You don't need to apologise, silly. That was the cutest noise I've ever heard you make and I loved it. I really like you, Dirk. You don't need to be sorry about anything." Dirk hadn't thought he could be any more in love with Todd than he already was, but that comment turned his heart to jelly.
He sank against Todd, melting onto his form, and pressing his lips softly to the other man's collarbone. "I really like you too," he breathed, but the words were barely more than hot breath against Todd's skin.
And they lay there, tangled in sheets and each other's legs. Dirk was sprawled on top of Todd, his hands tracing circles on the man's wrist and his lips nibbling against skin that was starting to darken as a result.
Todd's hand ran through Dirk's hair, massaging his scalp. This felt more perfect than either of them could have imagined.
It was bliss.