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December 1 Wednesday
Veronica loved Christmas. “I love Christmas.” She smiled expectantly at Ted, but he didn’t have a present for her in his hands.
“I got the memo.” He gave her a Ted-frown. “Veronica, you can’t require everyone in our department to give you a gift for every day of Advent.”
“I don’t see why not. I just discovered that I should have been receiving gifts every day of December for years and I have a lot of catching up to do.” She raised her perfect eyebrows significantly.
His Ted look did not change. “Veronica, Christmas is about giving gifts.”
Veronica tilted her head, which she felt was a very effective head gesture. “I don’t have to give any gifts for Christmas. My sister needed a kidney for one of her brats a few years ago. I had Phil and Lem clone one and now I don’t have to give them any gifts. I can show you the contract.”
“Veronica, how is your father doing?” His eyes got Ted-sad. Phil and Lem had a chart.
Veronica marked off an X on the chart and said, “Bingo.” She pursed her lips. “Thank you for reminding me. I need to send him a crate of Belgian chocolates.” She smiled at Ted significantly. “His company is starting its own Jabberwocky initiative. Frumious Bandersnatch.”
Just then Phil and Lem came in with a poorly wrapped bio-luminescent pear tree and a trilling bio-luminescent partridge. Veronica took them both and smiled. She loved Christmas.
December 2 Thursday
Thirty magnets, twelve erasers and twenty-three type writer ribbons from the drones. A kitten from the cat lady. A box of creamer from Linda, which was nice because once again there was no creamer on their floor. Two military grade attack doves with turtle shell armor and jet propulsion systems from Phil and Lem.
Nothing from Ted. He went on her list.
December 3 Friday
Twenty boxes of Kleenex, three boxes of printer toner and a ream of paper from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. More creamer from Linda. Still no creamer on their floor. Three chickens that scratched existentialist French poetry on Tic-Tac-Toe light boards from Phil and Lem. Oddly the company had been looking for something exactly like this. She regifted them to Chet.
Nothing from Ted. Although, his team did complete a project to clone dinosaurs that vomited bubblegum. As a plus, the bubblegum no longer tasted like death to humanity. This was a definite improvement. Death to humanity flavors were only a small portion of the market sector.
December 4 -5 Weekend
Veronica received no gifts, which was a blow. Cold as the wind off of Mount Everest while eating a frozen yak that she had killed the day before with her own hands. Especially since her sister had told her that their contract did not cover Advent.
She picked up a very attractive man at the gym. Sven or Charles or something. They went sailing and had extremely limber sex under the stars, which made filming her performance for later review difficult.
She killed a great white shark with the monogrammed harpoon attachment in one the turtle doves. She and whatever his name was cooked it on the beach naked, which was the best way to cook great white shark.
December 6 Monday
Veronica had sand in unpleasant places. She liked it. It kept her sharp and yet simultaneously smooth.
Fifty-three slightly used note pads, six motivational posters and several white coffee mugs from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. More creamer from Linda. Still no creamer on their floor. Four flip phones in the shape of gilded birds from Phil and Lem.
Phil, and or Lem, explained that they were observing the twelve business days of Christmas, which she decided to allow. They had clearly being making an effort.
The calling birds fluttered weakly in her hands. When she was alone, Veronica placed one where the blindfolded doves had gone in the magic act. She smiled the rest of the day. Even in the Mobius meeting, which had been going on with the same content since 1999. She even smiled in the meeting about the meeting about the Mobius meeting, which really did have to stop some day. Linda said something about Jarndyce and Jarndyce and then something about her overpriced degree. Veronica stopped paying attention at the first Jarndyce and thought about calling birds instead.
December 7 Tuesday
Veronica’s new sharkskin boots arrived. A present to herself.
Five boxes of yellow highlighters, a retainer and forty-three boxes of printer paper from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. The kittens were now vomiting under the desk. More creamer from Linda. Enough with the creamer. Four gold rings that turned anyone who wore them into a minion and the one ring to bind them all from Phil and Lem.
She admired the binding ring on her hand and had Dr. Bhamba stand on one foot. She could have done it without the ring, but the delight on Phil and or Lem’s face made her feel like giving something back.
Still nothing from Ted. She removed him from her list. The yellow highlighter drones went on it. Everyone knew that her favorite highlighter color was green for go. Why would she possibly want to slow down.
Day 8 Wednesday
Four boxes of spiral plastic bindings, one hundred and twenty-one packs of Veridian Dynamics caffeinated chewing gum and fifty-three boxes of legal pads from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. They were now feral. More creamer from Linda. She opened them all and the kittens licked the creamer from the mugs. Six geese that laid small, but highly explosive, mine-eggs, from Phil and Lem. There was a kitten tragedy. The geese took over the high shelves while the kittens stalked the lower levels of her office.
Veronica made a voice memo on one of the calling birds to track their progress.
Still nothing from Ted.
Day 9 Thursday
Twenty-seven boxes of paper clips, a broken laptop and forty-three boxes of printer paper from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. There was one less goose in her office that morning. Veronica smiled and tracked this data point on a graph. More creamer from Linda. Veronica’s office smelled like curdled cream and rotting meat. Just like summer camp when she was a girl. Seven silver swans with diamond hard beaks for undersea drilling swimming in a plastic tub from Phil and Lem.
Still nothing from Ted. She sent him the bones of a goose through interoffice mail.
Day 10 Friday
Twenty-three plastic trash cans, two stale donuts and a plastic cup from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. Another goose was gone. More creamer from Linda. The kittens didn’t wait to pounce on it. Eight android maids that squeezed the vat meat for milk from Phil and Lem. It was disturbing. Useful. The kittens circled the android maids.
Day 11 -12 Weekend
This weekend was even worse. She wrapped a present for herself and opened it, but it wasn’t the same.
Instead she picked up an Air Force colonel at a symposium on something boring that Veridian Dynamics paid for and they went sky diving. Afterward, they did something highly classified involving a***s and j*t p****s. She received a medal, which was always nice.
She pre-registered up for the same symposium next year.
December 13 Monday
Chet called Veronica to his office to explain that there had been complaints about her office’s smell. She arched an eyebrow and smiled. Several employees received feral kittens in the interoffice mail.
Forty-two paper plates, two company thumb drives with boring porn on them and a cassette player. Another kitten from the cat lady. It sniffed the air as if wondering where the others had gone. The geese hissed at it from high on the shelves. More creamer from Linda. She had a minion feed it to the kitten. She tapped the golden ring on her finger and smiled. She put the nine android ladies dancing from Phil and Lem in the closet. She wasn’t in the mood.
Still nothing from Ted.
December 14 Tuesday
Twenty-two dirty coffee pots, a pile of dishes and a dirty sock. Another kitten from the cat lady. Veronica sent the kittens to Cairo through interoffice mail. They worshiped cats in Egypt. It would be fine. More creamer from Linda. Ten androids lords a leaping from Phil and Lem. She put them in the closet with the android ladies. They initiated an orgy. It was a surprisingly thoughtful present from Phil and Lem. She traded out the calling bird and joined them after her highly stimulating meeting selling Kelvin grade ice machines to the Alaskan government.
Still nothing from Ted.
Day 15 Wednesday
Two filing cabinets, twenty-three rolls of toilet paper and a roll of paper towels. Another kitten from the cat lady. She sent it to Egypt through interoffice mail. They still worshipped cats there. More creamer from Linda. Eleven piper peppers that were so piping hot that they burst into flames from Phil and Lem.
Still nothing from Ted.
December 16 Thursday
Sixty-three desk lamps, twenty-nine VGA cables and a mini USB cable from the drones. The kittens that she’d sent to Egypt came back. But now they had their ears pierced and had commando training. They were much more disciplined. Another kitten from the cat lady. More creamer from Linda. Twelve drummers that were drumming a headache through Veronica’s brain from Phil and Lem.
Veronica hated Christmas. This was a new decision. It was Linda’s fault. When she had started chattering about her Advent calendar to Veronica, it had seemed a splendid idea. Now one wall of her office was lined with an ever increasingly horrible series of presents and the cats were forming a military alliance with the mine-egg laying geese.
This had to stop.
She sent out a memo to cancel Christmas.
However, there was a small typo in it, which resulted in everyone coming to the department Christmas party that afternoon in can-can dresses. It was horrific. If she hadn’t owned several devices that selectively removed memories and replaced them with better memories, she would have been scared for life.
As it was, all she remembered from the office party were several shiny awards dancing around the Employee dining area while wearing can-can dresses.
December 17 Friday
Christmas remained uncancelled. Presents continued. She took over the conference room with the stupid name and attended a series of meetings.
Veronica found herself returning to her office because she wanted to rip paper off of boxes. 1000 paper cranes folded from the last ten years of Mobius meeting minutes, ten boxes of thumb tacks and a desk heater from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. More creamer from Linda. Fourteen reverse engineered bananas that emitted irradiated foam when you tapped them with a spoon form Phil and Lem.
Still nothing from Ted.
She decided to stop holding Linda’s inadequacies against Christmas and love it again.
Day 18-19 Weekend
Veronica decided on a quiet catered weekend at home with one hundred and forty-seven of her closest friends. They all brought wine, which was a form of present, but she had to feed them. It wasn’t the same.
Day 20 Monday
Veronica was no longer able to use her office, due to the stacked piles of presents and possibly alive and or dead cats. Phil and Lem laughed when she mentioned this at the weekly review meeting. One of them, she thought it might be Phil, said, “It’s like your office is Schrodinger’s office.”
This worried her. Schrodinger on the seventh floor had been after her job for years. She smiled.
By the end of the day, she had requisitioned Schrodinger’s office and him moved to her old office. With any luck, he’d been eaten by the cats.
Day 21 Tuesday
Twenty-three tiny bottles of liquor, a sailing ship folded out of the meeting minutes for the meeting about the meeting about the Mobius meeting and a blank CD from the drones. Another kitten from the cat lady. More creamer from Linda. Phil and Lem came into her new office with a hand truck and a hyperbaric chamber with chocolate scented oxygen.
Nothing from Ted.
Schrodinger was not eaten. He retook his office in a sudden coup. Veronica went with her second strategy and took over Ted’s office. She moved him to the impossibly small office. For some reason, his daughter Rose still came to his old office.
Veronica smiled. She liked Rose. She said, “I like you Rose.”
Rose looked at her suspiciously, which was sad in one so young. “What do you want?”
“What makes you think I want something?” Veronica sighed. “Yes, fine. You found me out. I need to fire several people before the end of the year and since you’re so good at it I thought you could help me.” By which she meant fire them. “By which I mean fire them.” It was important to be clear. She widened her eyes. “Did you get the kitten I sent you?”
Rose narrowed her eyes. “It’s wrong to fire people at Christmas.” She paused. “Or Hanukkah.” She tilted her head adorably. “Or the other one.”
“Kwanzaa.” Veronica spread her perfect hands. “You think it’s wrong to fire people Kwanzaa. But that’s just wrong thinking. If we fire them, then the government will give them free money and they won’t have to work at all. It’s like we’d be giving them a Kwanzaa gift.”
“Oh,” said Rose. “Okay then.” She was still the best terminator that Veronica had ever seen. After the third termination thanked Rose and left, Veronica leaned over and in a spontaneous moment of emotion gave Rose a silver swimming swan.
Veronica said, “It has laser pointer eyes and can be used to mine weapons grade uranium.” Veronica patted Rose’s hand and she suddenly understood the joy of giving for Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. Or Hanukkah. Or Diwali, but she thought that one might over already. “You can thank me later, by which I mean right now.”
Rose hugged Veronica. Rose was small and smelled good and was ridiculously good at firing people.
Veronica felt warm all over. She arranged for Ted to get Schrodinger’s office and had Schrodinger assigned to the small office.
December 22 Wednesday
Veronica spent all night having minions wrap presents while she slept in her new hyperbaric chamber, which also had a butterscotch option.
At the white elephant gift exchange she gave everyone photos of herself getting a medal for preventing the w***ds d*********n in a highly classified event a few weekends ago. She would had been tempted to give them office supplies, but she was too filled with the Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and/or Diwali spirit.
Ted and Rose came into her office. Ted said, “While I don’t approve of your having Rose, once again, fire employees. Or firing people in general at Christmas time. In any case, I got you something.” He handed her a large box.
Rose held out a small package. “Here open mine first.”
Veronica was helpless not to comply. It was like Rose had a minion making ring in her curly hair. Veronica wondered if they could mass produce rings braided from Rose’s hair. Rose’s present was a hideously ugly picture of Veronica shooting people. There was a great deal of blood in the picture. Rose had really pushed down with the red crayon. Veronica blinked to hold back the tears.
She opened Ted’s present next. There was a box inside the box. She unwrapped it. Inside that box was a box. She unwrapped it. This went on for fifteen boxes. Inside the smallest box was a gold Krugerrand. Shiny. Just the way she liked them. There was a scrap of paper that read, “Merry Christmas.”
Veronica was slightly concerned that it felt like her heart was growing three times larger, as this might result in death. But she was nothing if not a risk taker.
December 23 Thursday
The halls of Veridian were practically empty. No one showed up at any of Veronica’s meetings. Since she always took this opportunity to show up to work while wearing a spangled leotard and do cartwheels down the halls, she didn’t mind.
December 24 Friday
She went to her sister’s for Christmas Eve and gave her nieces and nephews small brightly colored devices that emitted loud noises at random intervals even though she, contractually, didn’t need to.
Her sister gave her a subcompact Glock 30. As always, she forgot the ammunition, but Veronica forgave her and didn’t feed her Ensure while she slept.
December 25 Saturday
Veronica took the kittens to the firing range and they shot things. As the geese laid egg-mines destroyed several squirrels, Veronica decided that this was the best Christmas ever.
December 26 Sunday
She received a singing telegram from her father along with a bouquet of endangered flowers. She set her minions to discovering what he was up to. It couldn’t be Christmas every day of the year.