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Dan decided to do one final walk through of all the vacant rooms to check if anything hadn’t been packed up. He and Phil were moving out of their London apartment after 5 years of calling it “home”. All of their belongings were in boxes and suitcases located next to the front door, waiting for a moving van and an Uber to take them to two separate locations.
He stepped into his bedroom first. The old, brown piano all that remained. His cologne just lingering in the air since he sprayed it earlier that morning. The giant crack leading to the chandelier made him glad they were leaving this house. Dan stood in the position where his bed used to be. He recalled the times Phil would lie on it and watched him work at his desk while sitting in the butt chair Phil hated. Other times he would just shut his eyes listening to Dan play the piano. Dan’s room was treated more as an office space for him to film and edit his videos. It was also useful for the times when they fought and needed to sleep in separate rooms to clear their heads.
He shut the door and walked into Phil’s room. They spent more time in this bedroom, therefore more memories came to mind - Dan sleeping beside Phil every night, them watching Netflix while simultaneously having the flu, them laughing so hard tears were streaming from their eyes as they filmed AmazingPhil collabs. The destroyed wicker bed frame was the only thing left in the empty room. The slats messed up from the countless nights they had sex or the times Phil jumped onto the bed on top of Dan to annoy him. They would always try to fix the slats whenever they felt their bodies sink down while laughing, but eventually they just left it alone and stopped bothering.
Dan wandered down the hallway, looking down at the carpet where he liked to lie face down on when he was contemplating life. He was going to walk into the kitchen next, then he saw Phil in there, looking out the window.
“Hey,” Dan said softly, trying not to startle him as he quietly opened the clear glass door.
Phil turned around and gave him a small smile while bringing his sweaters’ sleeves to his face. His eyes red and tears trailing down to his jaw. “Hey.”
Dan wasn’t sure if he should approach him during such a fragile time, but he really wanted to put his arms around him and make everything better.
Things haven’t been going well for them in the past few months. They weren’t sure what happened. They were so in sync until one moment they weren’t. Lately they’ve both been very irritable with each other and not so great at communicating what they wanted. Their frequent disagreements lately have caused a weird tension noticeable by their viewers in their videos. They felt off.
This apartment started feeling more like a small cage where there wasn’t enough space to let them breathe. Usually they could be in separate parts of the house to re-evaluate and reflect on arguments, but the annoying sounds of their neighbourhood poured through their paper thin walls and just added to their annoyance with each other. They still tried to sleep in the same bed whenever there was no blatant dispute, but there would rarely be any cuddling or initiations for sex.
Their lease was coming up and it was the only time they could really come to a decision about what to do from here.
“I don’t know what’s happening to us,” Dan said as he sat down next to Phil on the sofa after they had been cross with each other.
Phil tried to comfort Dan after he posted a video and focused on the negative comments. On any normal day, ordering pizza and several levels of Mario Kart would be the perfect distraction, but today Dan wasn’t having any of Phil’s attempts. Phil ended up frustrated with Dan because he wouldn’t even let him try to make him feel better resulting in them staying in separate rooms for almost the whole day until Dan came to find Phil in the living room.
“Me neither. I just don’t know what to do though,” Phil replied, saddened and defeated.
Dan scooted closer and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “Our lease is ending soon, Phil. We need to make some decisions.”
“Do you still want to live with me?”
“Of course,” Dan responded quietly.
“Are you unhappy, Dan? With me?”
Dan sat up and looked Phil straight in the eye. He saw tears forming in the older boy’s eyes.
“Phil, I love you so much. To be honest, right now I am unhappy. I’m unhappy we’re feeling so out of sorts. But at the end of the day, I’m not unhappy with you, I’m unhappy at what we’re going through.”
“I love you too. I just don’t know how to fix this right now.” The tears began to roll down.
Dan grabbed one of Phil’s hands and held it in his. “Do you think we should live apart for a bit? Do you think that would be good for us?”
“Are we breaking up?” Fear crept onto Phil’s face.
“I.. I don’t want to. Maybe we can just go on a bit of a break though?” Dan’s eyes began to tear up too.
Dan could tell Phil was breaking apart by the expressions on his face. His own heart ached from the sight.
“We both find places with 3 month leases and by the end of it, we evaluate where we stand from there?” Dan suggested.
Dan looked at Phil while he processed his words. He wasn’t sure how to live without Phil since they’ve been attached at the hip from the moment they lived in the same city and never went a day without speaking since the day they met. Dan knew they were two separate people, but their lives were so intertwined that there was no Dan without Phil and vice versa.
“What are the terms? Do we get to talk during this time? Do we see other people? I don’t exactly know how this works,” Phil asked while looking at the ground.
Dan’s face dropped. “Oh, did you want to see other people..?”
Phil held Dan’s face with both hands. “Dan, no. I only want you.”
Dan leaned into Phil’s touch. “Well we’re going to have to talk regardless - about YouTube and you know, us.”
Phil dropped his hands and placed them in his lap and just nodded.
They talked a bit more, thought it through overnight, and eventually agreed that Dan would move into a new apartment and Phil would stay with his parents for a bit. When they both think they’re ready again, Phil would move in with Dan. They both needed some space and they needed to re-learn how to miss and appreciate each other. They pre-filmed a ton of main channel and gaming channel videos so their audience wouldn’t suspect anything, even though they knew their fans could read their body language and could tell something wasn’t right. They’ve decided to Skype each other once a week to catch up and evaluate where they stood.
Dan decided to hold Phil in his arms as the older boy silently cried into his shoulder.
“I know we’re only going on a break, but this feels so shit Dan. I feel like we’re actually breaking up,” Phil said through his tears.
“I know. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since we decided on that. But if we both think it’s the right thing to do, I trust us.” He ran his hand up and down Phil’s back to soothe him.
Both of their hearts were being shattered at the idea of being without each other. They’ve tried talking through their feelings, which only ended up in more disagreements about how one person wasn’t listening to the other. They’ve tried giving each other space, but this house just wasn’t big enough to give them the space they needed.
Phil stayed at his parents house for 2 weeks one time and the reunion they had when Phil returned was how Dan wanted them to feel every time. They both had lists of things they wanted to improve on for themselves and their relationship, then some suggestions for their partner. Eventually they got busy with YouTube stuff that they started neglecting working on their relationship, leading them right back to square one.
When Phil finally stopped crying, they decided to check the rest of the house.
Dan looked back at the kitchen as they walked into the hallway. “I’m gonna miss watching you eat my cereal.”
Phil laughed a little. “Well if you decide you still want me after this, you’ll be able to again.”
Dan’s heart hurt a little at the thought of living alone for who knew how long. He knew this would be good for them and their relationship, but living without Phil was like losing a limb.
He bent down when he saw a shard of glass hidden next to one of the lower cupboards. It was from a glass he dropped a few weeks back after him and Phil fought about something he couldn’t even remember now. He had been washing the dishes and the glass slipping out of his hand felt like it represented their relationship. He tossed the piece into the trash before shutting the door.
They walked into the bare living room. Their footsteps echoing because there was no furniture to absorb the sound. The Muse poster missing from the spot above where the couch lay and all that was left was a small hole from the nail that held it up the frame. It was now just another wall where new tenants would hang new photos.
“We had some good memories in here,” Phil said as his eyes glanced all over the room.
Dan nodded as his mind started playing a supercut of all of the good moments they had. Watching movies and TV shows with takeaways, playing video games, browsing on their laptops and showing each other funny memes, making out on their sofa, slow dancing to songs they both liked while they were drunk. He also remembered the bad ones, like Phil’s constant bruises from walking away after an argument and hitting his shin on the coffee table, him getting angry whenever Dan would pay more attention to a video game than him, Dan’s self-esteem crumbling whenever Phil would reject his advances, Dan’s frustration when Phil couldn’t understand why he had no motivation to film a great video idea because the timing wasn’t right.
“I wish they were only good ones,” Phil replied as if he was watching the same montage in his head.
Phil walked to the corner of the room where their bookshelf used to be and picked up a stray photograph.
“I want us to be them again.” He held the photo up to Dan.
It was a photo of them when they had their housewarming party a month after they moved in. The boys in the photo looked much happier than the ones who were currently standing in this room.
“They’re still here, Phil. They just need to be found again.” He took the photo from Phil, folded it in half, and placed it in his back pocket.
They headed up to the gaming room afterwards. The tiny room with the slanted ceiling they hated so much. Out of all the rooms, this one felt the worse to be in. This was the room where they had what felt like their biggest fight only a week ago.
“I can’t even be around you right now. We’ve been doing this for years Phil, how are you this incompetent?” Dan leaped out of his chair with aggressive force, threw his hands up and walked out. His chair tipped over into the wall and left a slight dent.
“I’m sorry! Dan, we’ll just film it again, it’s okay,” Phil called out after him, but Dan didn’t respond.
Dan shoved his coat on and left the flat. He knew Phil would notice his shoes missing in the hallway. He knew Phil would call his phone, so he made the decision to leave it in the gaming room.
They had finished filming a gaming video only to realize that there wasn’t an SD card in the camera. Dan had been tired and cranky that day because he stayed up all night listening to the sound of Phil snoring through his clogged nose. He had been taking care of Phil while he was sick and it was finally starting to wear him down.
Dan didn’t come back until late at night and slept in his own bed. He saw Phil asleep in the lounge with an angry look on his face from waiting up for him, but he walked past him anyway, still slightly angry. Although it wasn’t a back and forth fight, that was the longest he had ever stayed angry with Phil.
“All clear,” Phil said. Dan noticed that his eyes shifted to the dent in the wall before he quickly vacated the room.
That incident was forgotten when Dan brought Phil a cup of coffee the following morning and pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple, although Dan had never truly apologized for his overreaction. Him and Phil were able to just easily forgive and forget, but he could tell that Phil’s reaction meant he had done neither of those things even though he pretended to. That was something they both needed to work on if they wanted things to work out in the end.
Phil’s phone alarm went off, indicating he had to call an Uber and head to the airport. He went to the front door and stood next to his suitcase and bags that had “Phil” written on them. Him and Dan just faced each other as they waited for his car to arrive, both trying to be strong and not cry. Dan opened his arms and Phil rushed into his chest as they both started tearing up. Phil’s tears soaked up Dan’s shirt as Dan looked at the wall behind Phil trying, but failing, to keep it together.
When Phil’s phone alerted him that his car was downstairs and all the belongings he was taking with him were at the open door, Dan pressed a kiss onto Phil’s forehead.
“This feels so final, but we both know it’s not, okay?” He reassured Phil who wiped his nose on his own sleeve.
Phil just nodded then he gave Dan a peck on the cheek and one final look before walking out the door. He didn’t want to say any form of “goodbye” because that’s not what this was.
Now that Dan was alone, he could feel the absence of Phil’s liveliness in the house despite a lot of his belongings being in the boxes behind him. Phil was the sun and brought the colour into his world. Even though they were gonna live apart for a while to sort this out, he knew it was for the best.
Even though they’ve both been unhappy recently, they knew that they still made each other happier than anyone else. They still made each other better. They just needed to find that spark again. They had no idea if this was the way to do it, but it was something they both could agree on. They still loved each other and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, so their faith in each other would make this all work out in the end.
During those few minutes by himself, Dan already knew they were going to be okay. There were couples who take breaks and come out stronger than ever. There were couples who don’t live together and have solid relationships. Phil and him just needed something to make them try harder for each other. This time apart wasn’t going to be a negative thing because by the end of it, they’d know that the other is their home and home is where the heart is.
Dan took out his phone and typed out a text.
Dan: text me when you’ve landed. miss you, be safe
He grabbed the photo out from his back pocket and sent a shot of it to Phil with the caption “we’ll be them again, I promise” attached to it.