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It was days like this that Bellamy missed her most. The way her skin would glow in front of the fireplace and how her cheeks would turn a shade a pink as she sipped on hot tea. She would tell him how much she loved the winter as she wrapped herself in heavy knit blankets and just smiled. She was so happy. Her knitted beanie would slip from her head and she’d laugh weakly as it fell onto her lap. She was always laughing.
“You’re thinking about her again.” It wasn’t a question. Madi could read him just as easily as Clarke did.
“I’m always thinking about her.” He looked at the chair by the window that she liked to sit in and draw and he felt a tear slip from his eye. Some days, it was like she was still sitting there, ordering him not to move so that she could draw him for what was probably the thousandth time. He didn’t mind though. He could sit there for hours and watch her too if she’d let him.
“Dad?” Bellamy shook his head, clearing his thoughts and turned around to smile at Madi.
“The shop closes soon.” Her voice was fragile and sad. He wasn’t sure what he could say to make it all better. She was gone, and they were alone.
“Right. Grab your coat and we’ll get going.”
Bellamy was playing with the wedding band on his finger when Madi came back, her face practically engulfed in the scarf Clarke knit her during her stay in the hospital. Clarke hadn’t taken up knitting until she got sick. Her hands would shake too much to draw and Bellamy would sometimes come home to her balled up on her chair, sobbing as she desperately tried to. It was Raven who had suggested knitting. It was something that made Clarke alive again and soon enough they all had more knitted clothing than they knew what to do with. She tried to teach him once, telling him that when she was gone she wanted him to have at least one thing that she taught him. He got sad and never tried again.
Winter nights like these weren’t rare where they lived but Bellamy welcomed each one of them with a warm smile. Sure, it was windy and freezing and maybe his fingertips were turning a little blue, but it reminded him of Clarke. He looked at Madi, smiling as she watched the snow fall from the sky and thought maybe it reminded her of Clarke as well.
“Clarke, come back inside, it’s way too cold.”
“This is my last winter, Bellamy. The last time I’ll get to play in the snow with my husband and daughter. Now, come out here and play with us.” He rolled his eyes but joined them anyway. How could he say no when snow was falling all around her, and she hadn’t looked this happy in months? He couldn’t so he didn’t.
They played in that snow for what felt like hours. Madi built a mini snowman before Clarke started a snowball fight and destroyed it by landing right on top of it. That was the last time Clarke laughed.
“You two are back soon.” Gina smiled as Bellamy and Madi entered the shop. She was the owner’s daughter. She also happened to be dating Raven, Clarke’s best friend.
“Madi, go pick out some nice flowers while I talk to aunt Gina.” Madi nodded at him and walked right towards the lilies, they were Clarke’s favorite.
“How are you, Bellamy? Raven says she hasn’t seen you or Madi much.” She looked genuinely worried, her sad eyes darting to Madi before looking back at Bellamy.
“I’m managing.” He choked out. No, he wasn’t okay, but he thought maybe one day.
“She would be proud of you. The way you take care of everyone. Especially Madi, she would’ve been proud. She is proud.” There were small tears running down her cheeks now. Sometimes, Bellamy forgot that he wasn’t the only one who lost her. Everyone loved Clarke, therefore, everyone lost her just the same.
“Thank you, Gina.” He smiled weakly.
“These ones are good.” Madi smiled as she placed the flowers on the counter.
Bellamy realized buying flowers in winter was probably ridiculous considering they’d die quickly, but it didn’t seem to matter. He walked out of the warm shop with the lilies and Madi in hand and knew this is what Clarke would have wanted. She would have wanted flowers in winter.
“Do you think she can really hear us?” She looked up at him with a hopeful expression and he couldn’t say no. He didn’t entirely believe she couldn’t, but he also knew it was unlikely.
“Of course. She’s always with us, Madi.”
It was hard to come here sometimes. Seeing it made everything seem so final but when the wind blew through his hair and the snow fell on his cheeks, he knew she never really left.
Clarke Griffin-Blake
Mother, Wife, Daughter, and Loved by Many.
1989-2016