Chapter Text
What could one define as a fact?
There were, of course, many things that could be defined in such a way.
The sun rises in the East and sets in the West. That was a fact – simple, universal, valid.
Apart from facts there were ideas, beliefs, hopes.
Sometimes people would define certain thoughts as such while other people, contrary to popular belief, would still define them as facts.
Some people didn't believe in love at first sight, others thought of it as a process happening all the time, everywhere, always.
Taeyong was one of these people that believed in love at first sight, in soulmates, in fate. He was a hopeless romantic if you'd like to label his flow of thoughts.
He held a huge, unstoppable passion deep in his heart – poems, novels, literature, poems. He always saw such a fascinating beauty in the ability the most simple words had to posses such huge meanings, hidden emotions, stories of all kind.
Metaphors, similes, hyperboles, allusions. They were brilliant to him.
To him, 20 year old Lee Taeyong, literature major, hopeless romantic.
-
Taeyong liked facts. He liked the structure behind them, he liked how they were so easy to explain. He liked facts.
But ideas, beliefs, hopes – these he loved. He loved them with a passion almost as strong as his passion for the magic of words, sentences, paragraphs.
Ideas, beliefs, hopes. They were everything but easy to explain, they were complex, mysterious, special, wonderful. While he enjoyed understanding the rational flow of facts, he loved thinking about every small, detailed aspect of such enigmatic thoughts. Thoughts, but also persons. Persons. Persons were the most enigmatic of them all. Every single person was different, special, they all had their own stories. And while falling in love with a person at first sight was something Taeyong definitely deemed possible, in his mind it was impossible to figure out another person at first sight. He loved that about persons.
-
Taeyong had a favourite everything.
He had a favourite book, a favourite poem, a favourite song, he had a favourite person. His favourite person was so, so candid, so good, so kind, so wonderful. So obvious. But still, Taeyong knew he wasn't able to understand everything about his favourite person yet.
Jung Jaehyun.
He knew a lot of things about his favourite person – about Jaehyun – he just didn't understand most of them.
However, among these many things he didn't understand, there were a few he did understand.
He understood Jaehyun's passion for art. He was as passionate about his art as Taeyong was about his literature. Jaehyun was an art major – and may he add, a fantastic one.
Taeyong had seen Jaehyun paint, he had listened to him talk about colour schemes for hours, he had memorized the way his eyes lit up every time the topic came up in the most detailed way possible. Jaehyun's passion for art, that he understood.
He knew that Jaehyun had a big heart. He was always nice, always respectful, always ready to help, he had a good soul. Additionally, he was very social and outgoing. Talking to other people looked so easy when Jaehyun did it. He was a terrific person, that Taeyong didn't just understand, he admired it.
Jaehyun had once told him that he was his muse, so he ended up posing for countless of Jaehyun's portraits. But Jaehyun was never satisfied with his work, he would always say, “I just can't find a way to capture your beauty the way it deserves to be captured,” then he would always apologize and Taeyong would always tell him that he thought his looks in reality couldn't keep up with the way Jaehyun portrayed them on his canvas. It was true, Taeyong found every single one of Jaehyun's drawings so endlessly beautiful. The way Jaehyun saw Taeyong, that he didn't understand.
Jaehyun thought of Taeyong as beautiful, but Taeyong valued Jaehyun's beauty at least twice as much. It would be a lie to say that he never wrote a poem – multiple poems – about him. His eyes, so dark they could keep an entire universe inside them, the curve of his nose, so straight, so defined. A face more perfect than any artist or poet of the Renaissance could have ever imagined.
Jaehyun had never explicitly told him that he loved him. He had his own ways of conveying that message. Telling Taeyong that he was too beautiful to be illustrated by his own hands, telling him that he was his muse, his inspiration, worrying about him more than anyone else during his darkest times, making sure he wouldn't skip any meals and get enough rest everyday. Jaehyun had never used those three words. Those three words with a meaning so deep and heavy it would make you drown as if you were tied to an anchor. Still, Taeyong knew. He knew that Jaehyun loved him. It was a fact, yet, he didn't understand it.
Someone as special, as wonderful and kind as Jung Jaehyun being in love with him, awkward, boring, boring Taeyong, always lost in his own thoughts, barely ever talking to anyone, that he didn't understand. That he would never be able to understand.
So he ended up doing what he thought was the best thing to do – nothing at all. He didn't do anything about it and, looking back, it was the worst decision of his life.
It wasn't like he couldn't see the way Jaehyun looked at him. The way his face would fall whenever Taeyong decided not to return his smile, his beautiful, gorgeous, million-watt smile. He was aware of his surroundings, he just didn't understand them and instead of accidentally doing something wrong he'd rather bury his nose in the novel he decided to pack in his bag that day.
Literature and art had always belonged together and so did Jaehyun and Taeyong. Literature and art had always been soulmates, bound by fate and so were Jaehyun and Taeyong. But he didn't know that yet. They were friends, close friends. Jaehyun was one of his few, very few friends. A fact.
What else could be considered a fact?
Taeyong would have given everything for Jaehyun to always be a part of his life. Definitely another fact. He enjoyed the time they spent together so, so much and he didn't want anything to change. He was happy the way it was. But, understandably, Jaehyun wasn't – Who could blame him? Taeyong surely couldn't. So it came the way it had to come and Taeyong ended up blaming himself for it.
-
Taeyong was disappointed.
It was a Friday afternoon, and Friday afternoons were their afternoons. They would always be - that's the promise they made to each other the first time they made a Friday afternoon theirs.
They didn't have any rules about what exactly they would do, what was important was that they would do it together; except when one of them was too ill, of course.
Sometimes they'd go to the park or the museum together and just admire their surroundings, sometimes they'd go to a restaurant, share a huge variety of meals, talk about their days or their studies, casual small talk, and sometimes they'd just be together. They would meet up in either Taeyong's or Jaehyun's dorm, depending on whose roommate decided to go out on that day, and just talk. Really talk. They'd have no boundaries, no restraints, no need for either of them. No matter what either of them wanted to share, the other one would never judge, would just accept the topic, would share his thoughts.
So perhaps it was even an understatement to say that Taeyong was disappointed when Jaehyun had to cancel their planned trip to the harbour that day, despite being completely healthy.
As Taeyong asked him why he couldn't come, he simply replied that they could reschedule the trip and that he was sorry. He shot him one last apologetic smile and then everything left for Taeyong to see was his back, becoming smaller with every step the younger took. Away from Taeyong, far, far away, in a different direction. Physically as well as mentally.
Taeyong wasn't disappointed, he was sad.
He had been so boundlessly excited for their trip, and he thought Jaehyun had been as well.
-
They both loved the harbour, that much he could say with certainty. The first time they went there together it took Jaehyun a whole lot of trying to convince Taeyong since he had been, to quote his exact words, “afraid of the sea,” which earned him a look in disbelief from Jaehyun. He then laughed, his wonderful, high, clear laughter, more contagious than ever so Taeyong ended up laughing with him. Jaehyun took Taeyong's hands in his own, squeezed them lightly, gently, careful as if he had been afraid to break Taeyong. He looked in the elders eyes with a hint of excitement and adoration and said, “I'm gonna make you fall in love with the sea. You're gonna be so amazed, so mesmerized that you won't ever want to leave again. I'm gonna make sure that you'll feel save and be as happy as you'd be in a library.”
Taeyong couldn't believe his own ears, his own eyes, his own hands. All his senses were so hyperaware of everything Jaehyun did to him in that exact moment. He could feel so, so many different kinds of warm feelings. The warmth spreading from the younger's hands, from the sincerity in his eyes, from the kindness in his words.
There was no more convincing to do. Taeyong knew that Jaehyun was right. No matter where they would go, what they would do, as long as he was with Jaehyun he always felt safe.
He slipped one of his hands out of Jaehyun's grip, intertwined his other hand with the other's hand, shot him a small but sincere, thankful smile, “Okay, I trust you. Let's go then,” and started heading in the direction of the harbour, dragging the younger along. He could practically feel Jaehyun's excitement buzzing in the air.
He knew that Jaehyun was in love with him, he just didn't understand it. He didn't know what to do about it.
-
As he watched Jaehyun leaving, he felt a small sting right in his heart. This was going to be one lonely Friday afternoon.
So he ended up going back to his dorm alone. Bundled up in his blanket, he would lie down on his bed and read a novel until he couldn't keep his eyes opened anymore.
That night Taeyong fell asleep feeling sorry for himself, thinking about the first time they went to the harbour together. The first time he realized that the sea wasn't that scary at all, the first time Jaehyun lent him his jacket because it was windy and cold and Taeyong was an idiot who had forgotten to take his own jacket. The first time he felt really, really warm on the inside and the first time he found saying goodbye to Jaehyun way harder than all the times before.
-
As Taeyong woke up the next morning he didn't even bother checking his phone (for potential messages from Jaehyun).
He briefly greeted his still half asleep roommate and left his room to take a shower. The shower was refreshing, it helped him clear his mind and get it off some things (Jaehyun).
Taeyong, now clean and fresh with his hair smelling like apples and his skin smelling like basil, stepped out of the shower, got dressed and after taking a quick look out of the window he decided that this day was way too nice to be wasted spending inside.
So he ended up packing his wallet and his phone, his hair still slightly damp, and headed out of the dorm to his favourite coffee shop, about a 5 minute walk away from his university.
Walking down the still empty streets, he finally decided to check his phone. Surprisingly, his notifications weren't as dry as he had expected. There were a few messages in a group chat he was once added to but didn't really care about, thus, never talked in, a message from his cousin Mark reminding him about his birthday party tonight, recalling how he promised to come and begging for him to please, please keep his promise because 'I love you so much Tae, it would mean so much to me if you came' – to be honest, at first he had planned to stay home but he really did love his cousin too, so he ended up getting him a videogame as a present, ready to show up that evening – but most important, there were some messages from Jaehyun.
Jaehyun [01:24 AM]
taeyong hi are you already sleeping?
Jaehyun [01:36 AM]
i'm taking that as a yes
or maybe you just hate me for cancelling our plans last minute
i'm sorry about that please don't be mad
Jaehyun [02:01 AM]
can we please talk? i kinda have something i gotta tell you
Jaehyun [02:07 AM]
sorry that i walked away
Taeyong had to blink at his phone screen a few times to fully comprehend the information he just received. Why had Jaehyun been up that late? Why had Jaehyun been texting him that late?
The thought of Jaehyun being alone that late at night, worrying about Taeyong made him feel weird. Very, very weird. He couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad, terrible kind of weird. He definitely couldn't deny that every little encounter with Jaehyun, may it be in person or like this time via text messages, made him feel weird. But taking everything into consideration, this time he felt a huge load of worry washing over him in addition to the usual weird feelings.
As if he was on autopilot, he opened Jaehyun's contact information and pressed the call button. His phone rang a few times. One, two, three - “Taeyong?”
Jaehyun had picked up and he sounded so, so tired, Taeyong could sense that the younger hadn't slept a lot last night, if he even slept at all, and knowing that something had bothered Jaehyun that much really hurt Taeyong.
“Hey Jaehyun,” he said in the softest voice he managed to express with his still unused voice, so early in the day, “you texted me last night, said we needed to talk? It was so late, I'm sorry I was already sleeping. Did you sleep?”
“I did sleep Tae, please don't worry about me,” Taeyong knew the other boy too well to believe him. He could see right through his lies, he recognized it from the way his voice broke at the end of his statement. Jaehyun hadn't slept at all last night, that was for sure now.
“But yeah, I have to tell you something. Are you.. free now?”
Of course he was free now. And even if he wasn't, he'd always make time for Jaehyun because that's how much he he valued him. So he told him that he was just on his way to the coffee shop to get breakfast, Jaehyun offered to join him so they could talk and not even 15 minutes later they were sitting in said coffee shop, Taeyong sipping his Americano, Jaehyun sipping his Cappuccino, two bagels in front of them, waiting to be eaten.
They didn't start talking about the important, serious stuff right away. First, they wanted to – needed to settle down, test how comfortable they were around each other in this unusual situation, find their boundaries.
At this point Taeyong wasn't even surprised anymore as Jaehyun suddenly told him to stop moving, fished his phone out of his bag and took a few snapshots of Taeyong's hand clutching his mug because, “your fingers look so delicate right now and the light from outside is just right, I have to paint this later.”
Taeyong was used to it. He knew he was Jaehyun's muse, he knew Jaehyun thought of him as beautiful, he just didn't understand it.
“Give me your napkin”, Jaehyun suddenly demanded, interrupting Taeyong's thoughts.
“Huh?”, he replied dumbly, not fully understanding why Jaehyun would ask for his napkin out of all things. He wasn't used to this.
Jaehyun simply smiled at him, as mesmerizing as ever, dimples as prominent as ever. It didn't even matter what Jaehyun wanted, as soon as he looked at Taeyong the way he did right now, the elder would do anything for him. And by everything he means literally anything.
So he handed him his napkin and watched him dig a pen up of his backpack. Then he quietly watched him sketch something on his napkin for a few moments, not asking any questions because he loved watching Jaehyun draw. He knew how passionate the younger was about any form of art and seeing how his eyes began to sparkle as he did something as simple as drawing a few lines on a napkin triggered a number of warm, bubbly feelings in the pit of Taeyong's stomach.
He attentively watched the motions of Jaehyun's hand, not missing a single move. He felt such a strong affection, attraction even, towards his hand. Taeyong suddenly felt like reaching out and just holding his hand, never letting go -
“Here you go,” Jaehyun had finished his drawing and placed it right in front of Taeyong who, still, stared at Jaehyun's hand, fascinated like the idiot he was, “I know they're your favourite and since I didn't have the time to get you real flowers, I really hope this will do.”
Eventually, Taeyong raised his eyes and he noticed how nervous Jaehyun actually looked right now, making this one of the few rare moments in which it was so obvious that Jaehyun was two years younger than him. He watched the younger scratch his nape, took his sweet time to take in how red the tips of Jaehyun's ears were. Jaehyun didn't even look at him right then, so Taeyong smiled to himself and then finally averted his gaze from Jaehyun and looked at his now painted napkin.
Crystalline ice plants. How beautiful, he thought. They really were his favourite flowers. He loved how they somehow looked like the sun and like a snowflake at the same time, displaying a contrast some people might use to describe him. “He looks cold but he's really warm on the inside. He's a good person.”
“You're frowning.”
Oh. Taeyong was so lost in thought that he completely forgot his surroundings and now he probably gave Jaehyun the wrong impression. Great.
“Shit Jaehyun, I'm sorry, I was miles away. You know how much I love these flowers and, to be honest, this painting is worth so much more than actual flowers would be. It's yours, how could I not love it? Thank you so much,” at this point the frown in his face had disappeared and was instead replaced by the most sincere smile. Jaehyun was smiling too and while Taeyong folded the napkin that was now so precious and worth more than any Van Gogh painting to him, everything seemed just fine.
That was until Taeyong remembered the actual reason for their meeting, “so, you wanted to tell me something?”, he almost whispered, afraid of the answer, coming up with a billion possible scenarios.
“Oh right,” Jaehyun answered equally as silent, smile slowly falling from his face.
They both were so nervous that they couldn't meet each other's eyes, so they ended up staring at their feet, their now empty mugs, the walls of the coffee shop – it didn't matter as long as it wasn't the other one.
Jaehyun cleared his throat, Taeyong clutched at his mug so hard it might break any moment.
“So um. Someone important really needed to see me.”
“Oh? Do I know that someone?”
Jaehyun opened his mouth and closed it again, thinking of a way to answer that question.
His behaviour made Taeyong so nervous, he was sure the younger could hear his heartbeat becoming more rapid by the second.
Jaehyun chewed on his lips for a few more seconds before finally replying, “You kind of do know him. It's just. Okay, I'll just tell you,” he pushed his hair back in a swift motion, then letting the natural strands fall back on his forehead just as swiftly, “It's Seokmin. You know Seokmin, my roommate's best friend?”
Taeyong expected Jaehyun to keep talking but when he realized that he was finally looking at him, a hint of expectation and tension in his eyes, he quickly nodded his head, telling the other that he did know Seokmin, “What about him? Why did he need to see you so urgently?”
“This is so weird. Taeyong, Seokmin and I have been seeing each other for a while now. As in, we're dating. It's not so serious that I'd call him my boyfriend and nobody knows yet but. I had to tell you.”
Jaehyun had asked Taeyong to stop moving lots of times already, but it has never been like that. This time, Taeyong felt like not only him but everything and everyone around him stopped moving too.
So maybe Jaehyun didn't love him after all.