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Peter awoke with cry and immediately wrapped his blankets around himself. A split second later he became aware that he was shivering and his cheeks were tearstained.
“Mr. Parker? Sergeant Barnes is awake. Would you like me to send him to you?” Jarvis’ voice was gentle enough that it didn’t startle him this time.
Peter nodded, not trusting his voice enough to speak.
There was a pause. “Sergeant Barnes is en route.”
Less than two minutes later Bucky was knocking softly on Peters door.
He heard a very weak, “come in.”
Something twisted inside of him at the sight of Peter pale and shaking, huddled against his headboard and drowning in blankets.
Bucky approached Peter, holding out his flesh hand, which was holding the softest, most cuddly looking teddy bear Peter had ever seen.
“I heard. That having something to hold onto can help.” Bucky said haltingly. “With the waking up.”
Peter managed a small watery smile and disentangled his arm, reaching out to take it. “Thanks.” He whispered. He cuddled the stuffed animal close. It was surprisingly comforting.
Bucky hesitated, edging closer and fidgeting a little. “Can I hug you”
Peter nodded, ducking his head into the bear’s soft fur.
He crumpled into Bucky’s chest when he put his arms around Peter, blankets and all. His smile turned wobbly at the edges as it hit him just how much Bucky cared. All of the Avengers did. Peter was sure that if Bucky wasn’t available, all of the others would be there in an instant. There was no way he deserved this.
“Stop that.” Bucky’s voice was gruff.
Peter wasn’t sure how he knew. Bucky couldn’t even see his face.
“Stop what?” Oh, that was a mistake. His voice sounded constricted like he was about to start crying again.
“I can feel you thinking that you don’t deserve this. Well listen pal, you deserve it. And you don’t deserve all the shit that happens to you.”
Peter nodded against Bucky, trying desperately to believe him. Tears started welling up again. This time, at least they were closer to tears of relief.
Bucky shifted, pulling Peter even closer. His voice was the softest Peter had ever heard it when he asked, “Do you want me to stay”
Peter nodded once more, and Bucky rearranged them so that he was on the bed too, Peter’s head resting on his shoulder. The stuffed bear was still held to Peter’s chest, curled loosely in the crook of his elbow. He sniffed once, trying half-heartedly to stave off another bout of emotionally charged tears.
“It’s okay to cry.” Bucky said in that same gentle tone, which triggered more crying. Something about the tenderness just drove Peter to tears, at least when he was in this state.
Bucky sat stoically, if not a little bit stiffly, through Peter’s tears, holding him through it and carding his flesh hand comfortingly through Peter’s hair.
When there was a lull in his crying and Bucky asked, “Do you want to talk about it” It almost set Peter off again. Luckily, this time only a few tears escaped and it subsided into sniffling.
“It- it was a happy dream.” Peter said, his voice cracking. He felt more wetness slip down his cheeks.
Bucky silently wiped them away, waiting for Peter to go on.
“Aunt May was there, and Uncle Ben. I-I saved them. A-and then I woke up, and-” He choked up, “I realized that I failed them. Both of them. They’re gone forever and it’s my fault. I didn’t even get to tell either of them goodbye.”
“What happened to your uncle”
“H-he was mugged. Right after I got my powers. I even saw the men earlier that day, but I didn’t stop them. I didn't know.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Bucky said sharply.
Peter laughed bitterly. It was more of a hiccup, really. “That’s the thing, it’s never my fault. It has to be someone’s fault though, right? It should be my fault. If i’d just-”
“Deny. It wasn’t your fault.” Bucky repeated insistently, interrupting. “Some things aren’t anyone’s fault. Sometimes the entire world is conspiring against you. You did the best you could.”
“But what if I didn't?” Peter whispered.
“What if I didn’t fight my hardest against Hydras mind-control and all the Assets victims were my fault.”
“No!” Peter protested jerking upwards, horrified. “You can’t think that! You were brainwashed, and programmed and, and it wasn’t you.”
“If i couldn’t control what was going on inside my own head, then why would you be able to control things that were external”
The logic seemed to work. Peter calmed down. Then he said softly, “I know you’re right Bucky, really, I do. It’s just-”
How could he explain that he wanted it to be his fault, because then it could have been prevented? If it wasn’t anyone’s fault, then it couldn’t have been stopped, and somehow that felt worse. It meant that some people were going to be murdered, no matter how hard he tried to save them.
Bucky let out a little huff. “You don’t need to beat yourself up kid, leave that to the bad guys.”
Peter actually let out a watery but genuine laugh at that.
Bucky looked slightly relieved and pleased with himself. He sat up straighter and shifted Peter so that he was leaning back against Bucky’s upper body.
“Do you want to talk more about it” Bucky asked.
Peter could sense that Bucky wasn’t thrilled about the possibility but he’d be willing to do it for him.
“Not really.” They laid in silence for a few moments and then Peter said, “can I ask you something?”
Bucky inclined his head.
Peter looked down at the stuffed animal nestled in his arms. “Do you have something to hold onto? When you wake up from nightmares, I mean.”
Bucky let out a huff that sounded almost like laughter. “I have Steve.”
Peter hummed. “That sounds nice.”
“It is.” Bucky’s voice was soft. “He has me too. It took a lot of flying Sam’s help. In the beginning I didn’t even want to be touched.”
“Really? I can’t imagine that. You’re so huggy. At least with me. What made you change your mind?”
“Steve.” Bucky said simply. He even grinned a little. “Well first it was hair club. Then Steve.”
“Two very different ways, I’m guessing,” said Peter.
Bucky let out another huff. “Confirm.”
They lapsed into silence once more, until Peter broke it again.
“Bucky?” He said tentatively, “I-I think maybe I should start seeing someone.”
Bucky’s brow furrowed. “You want relationship advice”
Peter’s face went bright red, and he sputtered, “wh- no, that’s not- not like that! That’s not what I meant! I mean seeing someone like a therapist.” There was a long silence. “Bucky?”
“Assessing.” He said. Then he shrugged. “Therapists aren’t really my thing, but if you think it will help. I’ll need to vet them first.”
“Can’t you just trust Tony’s judgment?” Peter begged.
Bucky shook his head. “Deny. Stark has made judgment failures before. Had a landlady who tried to reprogram me.”
“Oh.” Peter wondered how that had happened. He’d never had a run-in with The Winter Soldier and he didn’t want to imagine it. “I guess you can check them out then.” Peter started to feel tired again and he yawned widely.
Bucky’s expression quickly turned soft again. “You can talk to Stark about it tomorrow. You need rest now.”
“Okay. I think I’ll be okay with you here. What time is it?”
“Unknown. Building?”
“It is currently 1:47 am.” Jarvis replied smoothly. “If you fall asleep now I estimate that you’ll get about 6.3 hours of sleep Mr. Parker.”
“Go to sleep.” Bucky said softly, brushing his hand through Peter’s hair as the boy let out another yawn and blinked sleepily. “I’ll wake you up if you’re having a bad dream.” He promised.
Peter let out a little hum and snuggled closer before closing his eyes. “I always fall asleep on you.” He mumbled. “Does it bother you?”
Bucky looked down at him fondly. “You’re never a bother Peter. Now rest.”
In a matter of minutes, Peter was in dreamland.