Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The day he realized he no longer knew Jinyoung's phone number, Jaebum felt an emptiness he hadn't before. A numb kind of realization that the one person he always thought would be in his life, simply faded away like an old memory. Eight years passed since he saw his small town. Four since his last text to Jinyoung. A short, "Happy Birthday, Jinyoung-ah" that had been three days late and received no reply.

It was strange returning to a place with so many memories. Nothing changed but everything was different. He saw the same familiar farms, but instead of passing them on his bike, he drove by in a sleek, black BMW. His old high school was still there, but the soccer goals had a new coat of paint that was almost too bright under the afternoon sun. He was eight years older, his clothes more expensive, name a little more known. He had left everything behind to be an idol, and he was returning as a music producer instead (one that would be lucky to have a career once he was back in Seoul after his "break").

He slowed as a dirt driveway came into view. It too, was familiar – the most familiar. Hesitating, he crawled past it. Jinyoung's home was hidden by trees, but he could easily picture the three-story guest house at the end of the drive, with its eight guest rooms and two bedrooms for Jinyoung and his parents. He could see everything so clearly it was as if he was standing in front of it: the white siding and grey shutters; an old, vintage couch and overstuffed armchairs in the living room; the view of the barn and pastures outside the kitchen window...

He glanced in his rearview mirror. Then slowed to a stop. He turned around before he could talk himself out of it. Even if Jinyoung wasn't there, he could at least say hello to his parents. After all, he reasoned, he had spent almost as much time at the Parks' as he did his own home.

As he turned into the driveway and the large, white house came into view, a sense of longing came over him. He never missed his old town as much as he did now. Even during military service, on his breaks, he always returned to Seoul, where his parents would be waiting for him in his neglected apartment.

He drove through the small gravel lot that had a couple of parked cars, and down another dirt road towards the vast, open fields and a large white barn. There were horses turned out in three of the five fields he knew the farm had; some, he realized with a small jolt, he still recognized. Two in particular – a grey mare and dark bay gelding – brought back memories of racing through the largest field as a teenager and watching Jinyoung gallop ahead of him. He smiled. They must have raced more than a dozen times, and Jinyoung won every time.

As he stepped out of the car, memories came flooding back as if they had been trapped behind a dam for eight years, waiting to break free. The only other car in the lot was an old, beat up red truck that belonged to Jinyoung's father and barely ran even back then. Part of him wondered if it finally died and Jinyoung's father was simply hanging on to it because he thought if he could fix something, there was no reason to buy a new one. He still remembered the old tractor that used to sit behind the barn under an open shed, rusted and broken. When Jinyoung's mother finally sold it to a scrap yard and bought a new one, his father sulked for a week. He smiled again and opened the gate, which still creaked.

The smell of sawdust, hay, and manure brought memories of scalding summers, frigid winters, and perfect fall days spent riding through the fields and helping Jinyoung with chores. He never had a passion for horses, but they had always been part of Jinyoung's life, so Jaebum made them part of his.

The barn was just as he remembered: light wood walls, 20 stalls, a lounge with a large observation window looking into the indoor ring, a "wash rack" they used to give horses baths, a feed room, tack room, and a small office. Halfway down the aisle, he saw a figure step out from the indoor ring. They faced each other. Jaebum's heart caught in his throat as Jinyoung’s eyes widened. Several emotions clamored inside him at once: nervousness, happiness, hesitation, uncertainty…

What did he say to someone he hadn't seen in eight years but never forgot?

Swallowing, he did his best to smile and sound as if they had only just seen each other.

"I'm home."

Chapter Text

Jinyoung stared at Jaebum, hardly believing he was really there, standing in front of him, looking as if the last time they saw each other hadn't been through a phone screen four years ago. It had been eight years since the last time they actually stood in front of each other — a mere sixty seconds backstage after Jaebum's first showcase as a trainee. They took a quick photo together before Jaebum was dragged away by some other acquaintance asking for the same. He remembered watching Jaebum smile and laugh with people Jinyoung would never meet. For the first time in his life, Jaebum had felt like a stranger. He had invited Jinyoung to his other showcases but he had turned it down each time with a different excuse. He couldn't stomach watching Jaebum slowly become absorbed in his new life. It was a stupid, selfish feeling. By the time he could regret it, too many years had passed.

Jaebum shoved his hands into the pockets of jeans that were definitely too expensive to be seen anywhere near a barn. “You changed your number.”

Jinyoung moved his horse further into the aisle and busied himself with the bridle, pretending the noseband leather was stiff and difficult to work through the buckle.

“I did.”

He looked up, and caught Jaebum’s eye. He didn’t know what he felt in that moment — he wasn’t happy. Not exactly. So many years had been lost between them, Jaebum was like an old memory appearing in front of him. Solid, real, and familiar, but still unreachable. That was the thing about memories — they didn’t actually exist in the present. Jaebum was something he was supposed to have let go. And yet he felt the old longing creeping into his chest like a bad habit.

“How long are you here?” he asked quietly, slipping off the bridle.

Jaebum handed him the halter without being asked, like he had a thousand times before. A pang shot through his chest.

“A few weeks,” he answered, “maybe longer.”

Something in his voice made Jinyoung look at him. “Did something happen?”

He didn’t know if the thing he felt rising inside him was sadness or relief that he could still so easily read the smile that said something definitely did. Maybe it was a little of both. It meant Jaebum hadn’t changed at all. It also meant the growing ache in his chest was every moment he spent missing Jaebum that he tried to bury for four years.

When Jaebum just shrugged and replied, “Just a break,” the ache grew.

If they were still teenagers, Jinyoung would have pushed him until he finally gave in. But he lost that right the day he didn’t reply to Jaebum’s final text. He didn’t even have a good reason for it — he had simply been young, stupid, and angry that his best friend had sent a lukewarm, belated birthday wish. One day turned to two; two turned into a week, a month, two months, and then one day he changed his number and realized the one he had for Jaebum probably didn’t work anymore. Then one day it wasn’t in his phone at all.

He pulled off the saddle and led his horse to the wash stall to hose off the sweat and cool him down. Jaebum followed, apparently in no rush to leave. Jinyoung was torn between wishing he would and glad he didn't. He thought, with some rush of hope, maybe they could fix everything that was broken between them. Four years might have passed, but something inside him never stopped thinking of Jaebum as his best friend.

“What’s his name?” Jaebum asked, hooking the crosstie to the horse’s halter as Jinyoung did the other side.

He hesitated before answering slowly. “Icarus…”

He could feel Jaebum’s eyes on him, but busied himself with the hose instead. Icarus had been Jaebum’s debut song as a producer. Jinyoung had gotten a new horse shortly after it was released — about six months after they lost touch. He chanced a glance at Jaebum, who was smiling a bit. He stroked Icarus’s face as Jinyoung hosed him down.

“Nice name,” he commented.

Of course, Jinyoung thought. Of course he knew the horse was named after his song. Jaebum always knew. Because no one knew him better than Jaebum.

He didn’t reply, and instead quickly finished hosing off Icarus, and tossed the sweat scraper to Jaebum. “At least make yourself useful,” he said.

Grin widening, Jaebum began to remove the excess water, uncaring that the water splashed on his expensive boots and jeans.

“Have you already been home?” Jinyoung asked once Jaebum was finished. They walked outside so Icarus could graze and dry off before being returned to his stall.

Jaebum kicked absently at the ground. “Not yet…”

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at him.

“I just got back and…” he shrugged, “you’re on the way…”

Warmth spread through his chest and the old longing returned again. Jinyoung quickly squashed it. Even though Jaebum had always made his stomach fill with butterflies, he never allowed himself to dwell too long on the feeling. Jaebum’s friendship had always been too important to consider they could ever be something more, even if every part of him ached for it.

“So...uh…” Jaebum ran his fingers through his hair. Jinyoung ignored the way his heart lurched at the familiar habit. “...you write books now…” he looked at Jinyoung with a grin. “Bestseller and everything.”

One of the butterflies in his stomach fluttered happily into his chest. He let out a breathy laugh, just so he could breathe properly. “Y-yeah…” he laughed again. “It’s not a number one on Melon or anything....” his smile widened when Jaebum threw his head back with a bark-like laugh. When he looked back at Jinyoung, he was smiling so wide his eyes had disappeared into the two perfect crescent moons Jinyoung loved.

Like that, the awkwardness shattered. It was like Jaebum had been waiting as long as Jinyoung to finally talk about everything they missed in each other's lives. Jinyoung told him about his military service. Shocked, Jaebum told him he finished a month after him, at a base only a few hours east of where Jinyoung had been stationed. Jinyoung told him about his book signings around the world, and complained about the tighter deadlines being set by his publisher. Jaebum told him about the artists he worked with, and excitedly promised to introduce him to Choi Youngjae next time he was in Seoul, after Jinyoung confessed to being a fan.

“Youngjae's a great kid...he’s a talented songwriter too,” Jaebum said with a fond smile.

Jinyoung smiled back. A part of him was jealous that Choi Youngjae was the reason behind that smile. The other part warmed at the sight, because he looked truly happy. He still remembered the anxious and worried expression Jaebum gave him right before he climbed into the van that would take him to Seoul and his new life as an idol trainee. He remembered, just months before they lost touch, Jaebum telling him he wanted to write music more than he wanted to be on stage and in front of cameras, and worrying if he was making the right choice. The Jaebum standing in front of him was different than the one who left. He was confident and content and happy in a way he never was in their little town. The part of him that wished Jaebum could have found the same happiness with him instead, twisted his gut with guilt.

“Oh my...” Jinyoung’s mother beamed as she opened the gate from the parking lot. “Is that Jaebum?”

Jaebum grinned. “Hi Mrs. Park.”

Jinyoung watched his mother draw him into a tight hug, which he returned. Even after years of absence, she still treated him as if he was her own son.

“Your mother said you were coming home for a bit,” she said, still smiling as they separated, she held onto his arms just a bit longer. “Does she know you’re here?”

Jaebum smiled softly at her. “Not yet. I wanted to see Jinyoung first.”

He kept his eyes on Icarus, but he could see his mother look at him from the corner of his eye.

“It’s a shame you two lost touch,” she said.

Jinyoung felt her words like a sharp stab to the chest. The regret for letting Jaebum go had never disappeared. Hearing his mother say it out loud just made it worse.

“Yeah…” Jaebum replied quietly. Jinyoung could feel his eyes on him, but he still refused to look up. “It is…”

There was a short pause in which his mother looked between the two. Finally, she hugged Jaebum one last time, and told Jinyoung she would let the horses in for dinner instead.

When he opened his mouth to protest, she gently took the lead rope from his hands and smiled. “It’s ok…” she cast a significant glance at Jaebum before looking back at him. “Just be back in time for lessons. Your first is at five.”

He glanced at Jaebum, still hesitating. Suddenly the old familiarity vanished as if it was never there. The conversation that had been so easy to fall into earlier seemed impossible to pick up again, and Jinyoung couldn’t think of anything else he wanted to say.

“It’s ok,” Jaebum said. He caught Jinyoung’s eye. A usual, he seemed to have read his thoughts. “I should get home...mom won’t be happy I stopped here first,” he joked.

His mother's shoulders slumped a bit in disappointment. “If you’re sure…”

Smiling, Jaebum hugged her again, before turning back to Jinyoung. He dug his phone from his jacket pocket and held it out. “I kept your name in my phone…” he said, “but the number is old…”

They stared at each other. An inexplicable feeling swelled in his chest again, caught between longing and regret and the things he wanted to tell Jaebum but could never bring himself to say. Wordlessly, he took the phone and entered in his new number before handing it back.

Jaebum smiled. “Thanks.”

They said goodbye in that way many did when they saw an old friend after years of losing touch. Polite, a bit awkward, and full of promises to keep in touch this time. And while Jinyoung hoped it wasn’t just empty words, a part of him also hoped Jaebum would disappear again. Because just as the longing had returned, so had the pain of pretending Jaebum was nothing but a friend. Jinyoung wasn’t sure he wanted to go back to that. Or if he even could.

Chapter Text

Jaebum sighed as he closed the door to his old bedroom and collapsed onto his bed so his face was buried in the pillow. He was exhausted. The drive from Seoul had taken two hours, and his mother wouldn't let him out of her sight once he was home. It wasn't until he started dozing off in the middle of some variety show, did she finally let him retreat to his room. Then there was Jinyoung…

The moment Jaebum saw him in his breeches and helmet, coming out of the ring with a horse next to him, everything he fought to ignore as a teenager, and struggled to bury in the years they were apart, came flooding back. He had tried to memorize everything about Jinyoung in that moment — the things that were the same and the things that had changed. Like the muscles on his arms, and the guarded way Jinyoung looked at him. But he still laughed the same, with his eyes wrinkling at the corners and his hand over his mouth…

He grinned into his pillow.

When they were kids, he saw everything in Jinyoung. The sun rose and set with him. He saw them living and growing old together. There was never a time he didn't imagine Jinyoung in every moment of his life. Then suddenly one day he no longer knew Jinyoung's number. He wondered when he had gotten used to it; when Jinyoung's absence had stopped hurting and when it simply became...normal.

Standing in front of him again, Jaebum realized it had never been normal. He had learned to cope with it, but the emptiness had suddenly been filled to the brim the moment he stepped into the barn, and now it was spilling over. The idea of having Jinyoung back in his life brought him so much joy, he was determined not to lose it again.

He pulled out his phone and moved just enough so he could unlock it and scroll through his contacts. Jinyoung's old entry read, 'My Jinyoung-ie <3'. He had done it as a joke during their last year of middle school and never bothered to change it. After a moment's hesitation, he sent a quick message to the number Jinyoung had given him.

'It's Jaebum...this is my number...'

He stared at the screen, hoping to see the little 'read' under his message. His heart did a little skip when it showed almost a minute later. Biting his lip, he waited again. Maybe Jinyoung wouldn't bother responding…

He glanced at the time. It was late, but if he had read it…

'Thanks.'

His stomach fell a bit. What had he been expecting? Hesitating, he finally replied, 'Can we ride tomorrow?'

Jinyoung took longer to reply this time, and Jaebum released the breath he had been holding when the message came.

'Only if you help feed in the morning.' He added a cute smirking emoji.

Chuckling, Jaebum replied with an emoji of his own that looked like it was suffering at the very idea of having to get up early.

'kekeke...you can ride Bolt if you help with stalls,' Jinyoung added.

Jaebum grinned.

They messaged back and forth for several minutes after he agreed to help with chores the next day. Just as they had fallen into their old routine earlier, he felt like nothing had really changed between them. They still knew exactly what to say to make the other laugh. There was never an awkward pause in their conversation. Never a time when Jaebum wondered if he said the wrong thing. Despite the years they lost between them, he still knew Jinyoung better than anyone. And Jinyoung still knew him…

'See you tomorrow...' he finally typed, reluctantly.

Jinyoung replied with two messages that made his pulse race and his heart anxious for morning to come…

'Hyung'

'welcome home.'

Chapter Text

Jinyoung couldn't explain the nervous feeling in his stomach as he dressed early the next morning and headed down to the barn in his father's crappy old pick-up truck. It groaned all the way down to the parking lot, where Jaebum's BMW was already parked. He shut off his monstrosity, once again reminding himself that he needed to use his bestselling novel money to buy something that wasn't so reluctant to work…

He drew his coat closer to himself against the cool autumn morning air. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered anxiously again as he entered the barn, where he was greeted by the sound of banging buckets and impatient pawing of horses who had yet to be fed. On the opposite end of the aisle, Jaebum was already tossing flakes of hay into the stalls. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea…

Last night, he stared at his phone again and again at the last message he sent, wishing he hadn't. "Welcome home" was such a normal, unspectacular thing to say, but the words carried everything Jinyoung had felt in the eight years they were apart. They held his "I missed you," his regret for letting them fall apart, his hope that this time would be different, and his fear that it wouldn't.

"I would have slept in if I knew you were just going to do it for me," he greeted, smiling when Jaebum jumped.

He grinned back and threw a handful of hay at him. "You did sleep in. It's past eight."

Jinyoung shrugged as they walked back down the aisle. His churning stomach gave a delighted flip — Jaebum still remembered what time they started morning chores. It was a stupid thing, really. But it still brought back the old nostalgia of the two of them tiredly trudging into the barn early in the morning after failing to convince Jinyoung's mother to let them sleep in because they had been up all night.

Jinyoung entered the feed room and began getting the grain and vitamin supplements ready. Jaebum started filling water buckets. They fell easily and silently into the old routine — Jaebum did hay and water, while Jinyoung took care of the grain. By the time Jaebum finished the water, Jinyoung was already in the small office, sorting through paperwork and organizing the waivers every guest signed before they were allowed to ride. Three guests were going on a trail ride with his mother that day, so he jotted down the horses they would be taking, and Jaebum wrote them on the whiteboard in the aisle.

As the horses ate, they picked up where they left off the previous day, catching up and relearning what it was like being friends again. It was an odd feeling. Jaebum had always been the easiest person to talk to, but as he talked about Seoul, the celebrities he worked with, and the people he met, Jinyoung felt that same distance again of watching Jaebum drift away from him, into an entirely different world. He was still the same Jaebum — exasperated and impatient with anyone who made excuses instead of trying hard, or easily deflecting any praise of his own hard work. But Jinyoung could see the differences — the way he had softened around the edges, and the fire that used to blaze behind his eyes now simmered to something warm and comfortable...

"When's the last time you rode?" he asked an hour later as he handed Jaebum Bolt's bridle and grabbed Winter's for himself.

After a short pause, he replied, "Eight years."

Jaebum grabbed the saddle he knew was his because it had been sitting in the office on the same rack for as many years. Jinyoung hadn't been able to bring himself to get rid of it.

"I can't believe you kept this thing," he grinned, placing the saddle on the rack in the aisle. "Did you keep my helmet too?"

Jinyoung carefully placed his own saddle on the rack a few feet away from Jaebum's. "It's where you left it..."

They caught each other's eye. Jaebum looked caught between shock and something else Jinyoung thought might be affection. Clearing his throat, he quickly turned around and headed towards Winter's stall. The last thing he needed was his thoughts wandering to the possibilities of what that look might mean.

They tacked up in relative silence, broken only by Jaebum's short, affectionate comments to Bolt, and Jinyoung's small taunts as they got ready. Once Jaebum put his helmet on and finished zipping the borrowed half-chaps over his jeans and around his calves, Jinyoung felt like he missed several steps down a set of stairs. The rush left him breathless and longing to have back all the days they spent together. Swallowing hard, he turned away as Jaebum threw the reins over Bolt’s head and put his bridle on.

He knew by "ride" Jaebum had definitely not meant going in the ring. Beneath the aching nostalgia, his heart skipped, delighted at the thought of being in the fields again, with Jaebum on Bolt, and him on Winter. Just like it had always been. They would never recreate what they had in the past, but for at least one day, Jinyoung wanted to pretend again. He wanted to be sixteen one more time, if only so he could remember what it was like to believe he and Jaebum would always be in each other's lives...

"You sure you don't want to go in the ring first?" he asked, grinning a bit. "It's not exactly like getting on a bike."

Jaebum tightened his girth and smirked back. "Afraid of losing to a guy who hasn't been on a horse in eight years?"

Snorting, Jinyoung led the way out to the big field. "Just don't fall off."

They mounted using the lower fence boards. The moment Jaebum was on, he trotted off, leaving Jinyoung and Winter to walk leisurely behind him. The morning was still crisp and the grass just wet enough that they wouldn't be able to gallop around the same way they did in the afternoons, but, watching Jaebum's leg swing as he reacquainted himself to the canter, he thought that was probably a good thing.

Jinyoung let Winter canter at a decent pace to warm her up. Her once dapple grey fur had whitened over the years as she aged, but he could still see the dark grey in her coat and a few black strands in her mane. She had been his first real horse. At 15, he had picked, named, and trained her, with his mother helping here and there whenever he felt stuck. Winter had always been the perfect horse for him. Especially when it came to winning races.

He caught Jaebum's eye as he trotted to his side. They grinned at each other, just before Jinyoung looked ahead again and kicked Winter into a canter, then clicked her into a full gallop. Her hooves thundered against the ground as they galloped up the gentle sloping hill to the end of the field. He could hear Bolt and Jaebum behind him. Just before he reached the fence, he slowed to a canter, rounded the corner, then picked up a gallop again. He grinned at Jaebum as he flew past. He and Yugyeom, the kid he and Jaebum had taught when they were teenagers, would race in the fields sometimes, but it wasn't the same as racing Jaebum…

He reached the other end of the field and slowed to a walk. Winter huffed and blew her nose, satisfied with their victory. He patted her neck and turned to see Jaebum trotting over, red-faced and panting. Jinyoung grinned.

"I win."

Jaebum scowled playfully at him. "Two out of three."

Laughing, Jinyoung began walking, letting Winter catch her breath. "You look like you're about to pass out," he teased.

"Scared?" Jaebum replied, still breathless but managing a challenging smirk.

Jinyoung snorted and began trotting. Winter was nearly 20-years-old and still the fastest horse in the barn. Jaebum knew he would never win. Jinyoung grinned — his competitive streak hadn’t changed at all.  

"Fine. Loser mucks the side with the most stalls." He picked up a canter and into a gallop, laughing at Jaebum's enraged, "YAH!"

Predictably, he won again. When they finally dismounted, Jaebum stumbled, his legs weak and exhausted.

Jinyoung smirked as they walked side-by-side back to the barn. "You're going to be sore tomorrow."

"I'm sore now," Jaebum grumbled. Despite his complaint, he was still grinning.

They untacked in comfortable silence, cooled off their horses, then let the horses who wouldn't be used for the trail ride, out to the fields for the day. With some clever begging, Jaebum successfully convinced Jinyoung to help him with the side of the barn that had 13 of the 20 stalls. By the time they were finished cleaning and putting clean sawdust in each, they were covered in dust and dirt, and Jaebum was moving noticeably slower.

"I forgot how exhausting this was," he sighed heavily, collapsing onto the couch in the lounge. Jinyoung tossed him a bottle of water and dropped next to him.

The couch was big enough that he didn't have to sit so their knees bumped against each other, but something selfish and stupid made him do it anyway. When Jaebum didn't move away, he slouched further into the couch so their thighs pressed together, and leaned his head back with his eyes closed. His mother had called to tell him he would need to help the guests tack up, and that he had two lessons that night. But for now, he let himself drift off. Next to him, Jaebum did the same.

Chapter Text

"How long are you going to be there?"

"Miss me already?" Jaebum asked a few days later.

With a small smile, he watched Jinyoung through the lounge window as he moved around the ring, setting up low cross-rails for his lesson that evening. He was in no hurry to leave, and Jinyoung seemed more than happy to let him stay.

"Yah," Youngjae's voice turned sulky.

"Sorry, Youngjae," his grin widened when Jinyoung entered the lounge from the ring. "I'll try to be back soon."

"When you do, try not to punch anyone this time," he replied grumpily.

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow, but he shook his head. "I'll send you the guide tonight."

Youngjae grumbled something Jaebum couldn't quite hear but knew must have been petulant and snarky, before hanging up.

"Youngjae..." he said as way of explanation, pocketing his phone.

Jinyoung, who had been watching him finish the call, suddenly became very interested in searching through a box of bits and scraps of leather, muttering something to himself about piecing together a bridle for the new pony. He hummed dismissively as he dug around the box. The air around him seemed to chill several degrees.

"Um..." Jaebum cleared his throat, suddenly unsure of what to say. Before he could, the door to the lounge opened.

"Hyung!"

Jaebum had just enough time to see a tall, lanky teenager bound towards him before being engulfed in a bone-crushing hug. The familiar, delighted laugh made him step back and stare at the teen in awe. Last time he saw Yugyeom, Jaebum had been taller than him. Now, he was several inches taller with a pierced ear and dyed brown hair.

"You've gotten taller," he said, unable to keep from smiling.

Yugyeom grinned back, before pouting at Jinyoung. "You didn't tell me he was back!" he gave Jinyoung a hard shove, which made him stumble forward a step.

Jinyoung glared and pushed him back. "Go feed horses like we're paying you to do."

Yugyeom stuck his tongue out as he danced away from another shove. "You're not paying me!"

"You get free lessons!" Jinyoung barked back, now picking up a rolled up leg wrap and chucking it just as Yugyeom fled out of the lounge. The wrap thumped against the closed door and landed on the floor, where it unraveled.

"Hasn't changed much, has he?" Jaebum chuckled, picking up the wrap and rolling it up again.

Jinyoung snorted. "It's gotten worse."

The rest of the evening passed just like Jaebum remembered so many others. Except, instead of Jaebum helping new students tack and groom while Jinyoung taught lessons, it was Yugyeom. He watched from where he stood by the ring gate, smiling as Yugyeom easily explained everything Jinyoung and Jaebum had taught him, adding little comments here and there about safety on the ground.

That strange feeling of being in a place he was so familiar with but had changed in the smallest ways, came back to him. It was strongest when he watched Jinyoung. It didn't matter if it was a beginner student finally getting the hang of their diagonals (post up when the horse’s outside leg is forward, and down when it comes back), or an advanced student looking exuberant and excited when they perfected a course they had been struggling with, Jaebum always loved watching Jinyoung teach. He might have been a bestselling author, but he belonged in the ring as much as he always did.

Jaebum’s lips ticked up into a bittersweet smile. During his trainee days, whenever he heard Jinyoung’s voice on the other end of the phone, the selfish desire to ask him to move to Seoul had always been on the tip of his tongue, and he had never been able to bring himself to give in. Watching Jinyoung again, even if it had cost them four years of lost time, he was glad he didn’t. Jinyoung never would have been happy in Seoul.

"Eeew," Yugyeom teased, coming up to stand next to him at the ring gate with the new student just behind him. Jinyoung was just finishing up his previous lesson and called for them to let in the next.

Jaebum glanced over, frowning. "What?"

He wondered if Yugyeom always had that annoying smirk or if it was something he picked up because he was a teenager.

"You," he cackled.

Jaebum stared at him as they let one horse into the ring, and the other out, before closing the gate.

Yugyeom laughed harder and held his hand to his mouth as if he couldn't believe Jaebum's confusion. "Whoa—" he laughed again "—you really don't notice, do you?"

Quickly losing patience, he gritted his teeth. "What?"

"You look all sappy and in love." He screwed up his nose like the two words were somehow the equivalent of slimy and odorous.

Jaebum felt his cheeks warm. He swiped at Yugyeom, who gleefully hopped away with an outrageous laugh.

"YAH!"

"Oh my god," he laughed again. "You are!"

Glowering, Jaebum spun around so he was facing the ring again, just in time for his eye to catch Jinyoung's. They stared at each other for one, two, three, heartbeats, before Jinyoung finally broke his gaze to glare over Jaebum's shoulder.

"Yah! Kim Yugyeom!" he barked. "Go help Sunhye untack!"

Still laughing, Yugyeom left to do as he was told.

With an annoyed huff, Jinyoung returned his attention to the new student, oblivious to the lump that had formed in Jaebum’s throat. He wondered, if Yugyeom could so easily read the way he looked at Jinyoung, if Jinyoung had noticed at all...

"See you tomorrow," Jinyoung smiled tiredly at the end of the night as he climbed into his crappy truck.

Jaebum wished he could reach forward and kiss him until he could chase away the exhaustion. Instead, he could only smile back and reply with a soft, “Good night, Jinyoung.”

His phone buzzed the moment he walked through his front door. He smiled when he saw Jinyoung's name. His mother hollered something from the living room about missing dinner, but he barely heard her as he made his way upstairs to his bedroom.

He dropped onto his bed and opened the messages, unable to keep his heart from skipping happily when he read them.

'thanks for helping today'

'I missed you'

Chapter Text

It was near midnight by the time Jinyoung finally collapsed into bed. The day replayed over and over in his mind — Jaebum, completely at home in the barn despite being gone for so long; Jaebum, winded but grinning as he patted Bolt’s neck after another day of riding; Jaebum, with his voice soft and warm as he talked to Choi Youngjae…

He quickly erased the thought before it could fully form. He couldn't let himself feel jealous. Not when the old feelings he thought faded with time had come surging to the surface the moment Jaebum showed up. Not when he spent so many years carefully tucking them away because it hurt too much if he let them take hold...

He sighed and let his eyes drift shut. A soft tap came from his window. Too tired to do much more than turn his head, he remained flopped lifelessly on the bed and watched as something small and hard hit the window again. Tap. Another. Tap.

He groaned. Someone — he had a sneaky suspicion who — was tossing rocks at his window. Rolling out of bed, he dragged himself over just in time to see Jaebum drawing his arm back, ready to toss another rock. He raised an eyebrow, feigning annoyance even as memories of a 16-year-old Jaebum standing in the exact same spot made his pulse race excitedly.

Grinning, Jaebum pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and held it up between his fingers. Jinyoung snorted, unable to keep from smiling. He threw on a hoodie and jacket, then quietly snuck downstairs. He had done this so many times as a teenager, he was sure his parents always knew whenever he snuck out late at night just to see Jaebum. What they didn't know was, in a burst of curiosity and rebellion, they sometimes shared a cigarette Jaebum stole out of his father’s pack. Neither of them particularly liked it — they coughed and complained about the smell and bitter taste, but the illicitness of it had been thrilling at the time. A secret only they knew and shared with each other.

“Do you know how late it is?” Jinyoung grumbled, pulling his coat closer as he approached.

Jaebum grinned. “You said you missed me.”

Jinyoung’s cheeks burned in embarrassment. He had never been more grateful for the darkness than he did in that moment.

“I didn’t mean after five minutes,” he grumbled, trying to hide his pleased expression.

Jaebum’s deep, warm laugh wrapped around him and sunk into his skin, chasing away the chill of the night air. Needing to put safe distance between them, Jinyoung sped his pace as they walked through the backyard to a giant oak tree that would hide them from anyone who might look out from one of the back windows of the house. Jinyoung hopped onto the top board of the fence that separated the yard from one of the small paddocks as Jaebum pulled out a lighter (also probably stolen from his father). He took a short drag, coughed, wrinkled his nose in distaste, then passed it up to Jinyoung.

“You know we can afford these things now,” he commented, taking the cigarette. He coughed and pulled the same disgusted look. “I forgot how terrible we were at this.”

He coughed again as Jaebum laughed and took it from him. He felt that familiar lurch in his chest when their fingers brushed. Swallowing, he stared ahead so he wouldn’t have to watch the way Jaebum’s lips closed around the cigarette, or how his cheeks hollowed as he took a longer drag this time, and exhaled as if he had been smoking for years.

“What would I do with an entire pack of cigarettes?” he commented, knocking off the ash before handing it back to Jinyoung. He leaned against the fence so his shoulder pressed against Jinyoung’s leg. He made no effort to move and neither did Jaebum.

With another short drag, Jinyoung managed to exhale this time without coughing, though his lungs burned in protest. They fell into an easy silence, simply passing the cigarette back and forth until it was finally impossible to hold without burning their fingers. Jaebum pulled out an old tin that held mints or some other hard candy once upon a time. He put out the cigarette and left the remains in the tin. Jinyoung grinned. He definitely felt like a teenager again.

Over the years, he tried to convince himself that he had moved on. That Jaebum’s absence didn’t hurt. That he didn’t buy every album and song Jaebum worked on because he thought it might make it hurt less. In the few days he had been home, everything Jinyoung tried to lock away burst from the flimsy barriers he had built around them. Jaebum was still his best friend. Still the person he knew best and the person with whom no words were needed.

He looked at Jaebum, who was staring at the sky, as if his mind was as far away as the stars he was gazing at. His heart jolted with the painful realization that he still loved Jaebum more than anything in the world.

“Hyung…”

Jaebum, turned his gaze to him. Their eyes met and he felt another sharp pang in his chest.

I’m sorry for never responding.

I’m sorry for being mad at you.

I’m sorry I was selfish.

I missed you.

I love you.

“I’m glad you’re home.”

The smile Jaebum gave him made him go weak. He gripped onto the fence just to keep himself from falling off it. He wished Jaebum would look at him like that forever.

“Me too.”

Jinyoung felt himself smile back as Jaebum pushed himself away from the fence.

“Sorry for dragging you out here,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

He took a moment to collect himself before hopping off the fence. He stood in front of him like every cell in his body didn't want to step closer. “No you're not.”

Jaebum’s grin widened, unquestionably unapologetic as he walked backwards a few steps in the direction they came. Jinyoung watched him go a few paces before following. They fell into step side-by-side. If Jaebum’s hands weren't stuffed into his pockets, Jinyoung might be tempted to reach out his own in some faint hope Jaebum would take it...

Saying goodbye was far more awkward than he remembered it being. When they were teenagers, Jaebum would wave casually over his shoulder as he walked down the driveway, and Jinyoung would quietly slip back into the house. Tonight, he stopped and watched as Jinyoung opened the door.

“Jinyoung-ah…”

Jinyoung paused, the door already cracked open. He turned to see Jaebum standing just in front of him, staring at the ground, with his hands still shoved deep in his jacket pockets. He seemed to be waging some internal battle. He looked up, stepped forward, then stepped back again. With a heavy sigh, he raked his hand through his hair before shoving it back in his pocket.

“I missed you too,” he muttered. He stared at the ground again, looking embarrassed by his own honesty, then glanced at Jinyoung as if gauging his reaction.

Jinyoung’s heart thrummed wildly in his chest. He wanted very much to reach out and pull Jaebum by the front of his jacket and kiss him the way he had wanted to since they were teenagers. He gripped the door to steady himself and forced a calm smile.

“Goodnight, hyung.”

He turned to go inside. Jaebum grabbed his wrist, and turned him around. He shivered as Jaebum’s thumb found a small spot of exposed skin as they started at each other. He rubbed soft, gentle strokes along the inside of Jinyoung’s wrist, as if he wasn’t aware of what he was doing, but needed something to ground himself. Even if it meant Jinyoung could no longer breathe properly...

He didn’t know who moved first — if Jaebum leaned forward or let Jinyoung come to him, but he felt his breath leave him in such a rush he had to grab onto something to keep himself standing. His hand found Jaebum’s jacket, and he curled his fingers into the fabric. Jaebum's lips pressed gently against his, as if he was afraid the moment would be broken if he moved too quickly...

Too soon, Jaebum pulled back and looked at him with a dazed expression, as if he was just coming out of a particularly vivid dream. Panic rose up inside him. He waited for Jaebum to tell him it was a mistake. That whatever just happened – whatever Jinyoung was feeling — needed to be forgotten. Instead, Jaebum smiled softly, his eyes soft and warm. Jinyoung fought the urge to kiss him again.

“Good night, Jinyoung.”

All the air seemed to rush back into his lungs as Jaebum took a full step back and shoved his hands in his pockets again. Jinyoung watched him take a few more steps backwards, still grinning, before he finally turned to walk down the driveway, towards the narrow footpath that connected their homes.

Once inside, he sunk to the floor and buried his head in his hands. His heart was still racing. Over and over he replayed the image of Jaebum in front of him, of him smiling and taking his warmth with him as Jinyoung watched him walk away.

He let out a slow, shaky breath. A single, terrifying question crept into the back of his mind — what now?

Chapter Text

A week. That was how long it had been since he kissed Jinyoung. And that was how long since Jaebum last saw him. The very next morning, he woke up to a single text: ‘In Seoul...my publisher said it was urgent.’

The more he tried not to worry, the more the voice in the back of his head told him Jinyoung had left to get away from him. The short replies to his messages, often hours after he sent them, seemed to agree – Jinyoung was avoiding him.

“Well you did leave without saying anything,” Youngjae said patiently on the other end of the phone.

Jaebum sighed and flopped down on his bed, still in his dirty jeans and smelling like hay and sawdust. He had been spending most of his time at the barn, hoping to see Jinyoung. When he wasn’t, he was writing depressing love songs even he knew were too embarrassing to see the light of day.

“I know,” he muttered, turning on his side, remembering the way his heart raced even as he tried to hide his nerves under a smile. “I panicked.”

Youngjae sighed. “What are you going to do when he gets back?”

Jaebum closed his eyes. The question had plagued him since that night. He couldn’t find the words then, and even a week later, nothing seemed good enough. He had loved Jinyoung since they were kids – before they even knew what it meant to be in love. Even during those four years of silence, Jinyoung was the one he thought about when he poured his heart into his music.

“Hyung?”

After a short pause, he replied, “I don’t know…”

Youngjae hummed thoughtfully. “Isn't it worth trying?”

Jaebum smiled a bit. People thought Youngjae was just a bright, almost naive kid because he was positive and liked to laugh, but it was moments like these that made them all wrong. He was the person Jaebum went to when he was having a hard time. The person who could somehow wrap up all of Jaebum’s worries and insecurities into a simple statement that made them seem so much less daunting.

“Yeah…” he said fondly, “it is.”

Finally, the next morning, Yugyeom sent him a message: “Jinyoung is back…he told me not to tell you.”

His heart gave a delighted leap. Grinning, he replied with a quick “thank you” before rushing out of the house. He glanced at his car. Everything inside him itched to see Jinyoung as quickly as possible. Reluctantly, he turned and headed towards the path behind his house that connected to Jinyoung’s property instead. He wanted to run, but forced himself to walk. He needed time to think.

What was he going to say? What was Jinyoung going to say? Why did he tell Yugyeom not to tell Jaebum he was home?

By the time he was standing outside Jinyoung’s bedroom door, he still had no idea what he was doing…

“Yugyeom told you,” Jinyoung deadpanned when he opened the door.

Jaebum smiled sheepishly. “Are you mad?” He wasn’t sure if he was asking about Yugyeom or the kiss.

After a short pause, in which Jinyoung seemed to be wondering the same thing, he sighed and stepped aside to let him in. “No.”  

For the first time in eight years, he was standing in Jinyoung’s room again. It was amazing how little it changed. Jinyoung never hung posters of idols or celebrities on his walls. Even now, most of the space was taken up by floor-to-ceiling shelves overflowing with books. Stacks of paper filled with handwritten notes, notebooks, writing style guides, and novels were piled on the floor and against the walls, organized in a way only Jinyoung understood.

With a jolt, he noticed one shelf full of CDs with artists he had written songs for. Whether it was only one track or someone he regularly worked with, Jinyoung had every album Jaebum ever contributed to. He smiled when he saw Youngjae’s albums – Jinyoung had every version of all his releases.

“You didn’t tell me you had all this,” he said, pulling out Youngjae's second mini album – Jaebum’s first title song – Icarus.

Jinyoung gently took the album from him. “You’re my best friend…”

They looked at each other. Jaebum’s pulse spiked when he thought about the last time they were this close. Every part of him wanted to lean forward and press his lips against Jinyoung’s again. It seemed so much easier than actually talking. With a small smile, Jinyoung took a full step back.

“I have to work today…” he said apologetically. “My publisher moved my deadline up by two weeks.”

They stared at each other again. Jaebum knew he had to say something. If he didn’t, he would lose his nerve, and they would go back to pretending nothing happened. He wasn’t sure he could. He let his chance slip away when they were teenagers. This felt like a second chance. If he didn’t take it, he would probably never have another...

“Jinyoung–”

“–hyung,” Jinyoung looked at him.

Jaebum’s thundering heart shuddered to a stop and plummeted to his stomach. He didn’t need to say anything. The message in Jinyoung’s eyes was clear – they weren’t going to talk about it.

He forced a smile, hoping it said “it’s ok” even though it felt like Jinyoung had just driven a knife right through his chest. Not wanting Jinyoung to see the hurt in his eyes, Jaebum's gazed wandered to a nearby shelf, where he saw the familiar spines of Jinyoung's novels. He pulled out the third – his favorite. Its simple white cover was in pristine condition, and the spine was stiff as if it had never once been opened; unlike his own copy, which was so worn and tattered, the pages were coming loose from the binding.

He held it up. “This one is my favorite.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

With a small smile, he dropped onto the bed and laid on his back.

“Work,” he said, opening to the first chapter. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Soon, the only sound in the room was the sharp taps of Jinyoung's fingers on the keyboard as he typed, and the rustle of turning pages as Jaebum read. It was so reminiscent of their school days that when he would sneak glances at Jinyoung, he almost expected to see him in his uniform, nose buried in a textbook as he highlighted and copied notes while Jaebum doodled on his.

He turned on his side, keeping the book open with one hand but not taking in a single word. Slowly, his eyes drifted shut, and he let himself simply listen to the sound of Jinyoung typing. He didn't need to open his eyes to know the pauses and soft sighs meant Jinyoung was probably stuck or frustrated by his progress. Soon, he drifted off.

Whether it was minutes or hours later, he awoke to see Jinyoung’s face in front of him, his head resting on the same pillow, eyes closed. He was asleep. Jaebum let himself have a few selfish moments to memorize the way Jinyoung’s lashes fanned across his cheekbones, the warmth of Jinyoung’s breath against his skin as he exhaled, his soft, slightly parted lips...

He shifted closer. Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered open. Instead of moving away, his eyes locked on Jaebum's, before drifting to his lips. How easy it would be, he thought, to just lean forward...

“JINYOUNG-AH!”

The bedroom door banged open. Jaebum flung himself away from Jinyoung and landed on the floor with an ungraceful thump.

 He heard Jinyoung’s confused voice. “Jackson?”

Looking up at the intruder, Jaebum saw a young man with dyed brown hair standing in the doorway, dressed in all black. He had a wild, excited smile as he threw a small duffle bag behind him. A second, nameless guest, entered the room and caught the bag, looking torn between amusement and annoyance as he tossed it to the side. He was a bit taller, with honey blond hair, and unquestionably beautiful.

“Surprise,” he grinned, looking at Jinyoung, who stood just in time to have Jackson latch onto his neck in a tight hug. Jaebum felt a stab of annoyance at the familiar way Jinyoung wrapped his arm around him in return.

Slowly, he eased himself off the floor, still wary of the two – as far as he was concerned – extremely unwelcome guests. The nameless one glanced at him, then at Jinyoung, before looking back at Jaebum, who forced himself to meet his gaze.

“Did we interrupt something?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at Jinyoung, who was still struggling to free himself from Jackson’s hold.

“Kind of,” Jinyoung growled back. Jaebum flushed red.

Jackson turned his big, curious eyes to Jaebum. “Is that Jaebum?” he asked, practically bouncing with excitement as he let go of Jinyoung to stand in front of Jaebum instead. “Whoa…” he laughed delightedly, “We heard so much about you it's like meeting celebrity!”

Jaebum took an automatic step back and glanced at Jinyoung who rolled his eyes.

He introduced them like it was the last thing he wanted to do. “Jaebum, this is Jackson,” he motioned to Jackson and then waved over to the one still hovering in the doorway. “That’s Mark. They’re friends from high school.”

Mark offered a small smile and friendly wave.

Jaebum soon learned Mark was from Los Angeles and Jackson was from Hong Kong. They had been exchange students during Jinyoung’s final year of high school. He felt a slight pang in his chest when they began reminiscing about how they met, and the things they would drag Jinyoung into. Still, he threw his head back and laughed when Jackson told him he and Jinyoung were given cleaning duty for two months after they painted Jackson’s love confession on the windows of every classroom.

Mark groaned at the memory. “And he wonders why I didn’t let him propose.”

Jinyoung grinned. “The entire city of Hong Kong would have seen it.”

Mark groaned even louder at the thought and buried his head in his hands.

Jackson grinned. “You still would have said yes.”

For the second time that day, Jaebum’s eyes caught their matching rings – both simple, white gold bands, which Jackson said had each other’s names engraved on the underside. When Jinyoung told him they were married, his first reaction was disbelief – their personalities were such polar opposites, it wasn’t until Jaebum listened to their banter, did he really understand why they worked. He glanced at Jinyoung, and thought about what their matching rings would look like. When Jinyoung looked back, he quickly looked away.

Suddenly needing to escape, he stood. “I should go…see you tomorrow.” Despite Jackson’s protests, he left.

It was too much. Meeting Jinyoung’s friends – his married friends – hearing all the things he missed in Jinyoung’s life, seeing what he couldn’t have, and knowing, even if he could turn back time, he still would have left...

After struggling through dinner pretending his mind wasn't entirely on Jinyoung and depressing thoughts of never having what Mark and Jackson had, he locked himself in his room with the excuse of working on a new song. His mother had looked at him worryingly but knew to leave him alone.

Sighing, he dropped into his desk chair and opened up a song file he had started working on shortly after Jinyoung’s first book release. He still remembered scrolling through his contacts and staring at the old number, full of guilt and sadness and regret for losing touch...

He hit “play” and leaned back with his eyes closed. The piano played delicately through his speakers. Soon, his own voice hummed and crooned through the room. It was a song he worked on when he was particularly lonely. It must have changed every time he opened it.

"Come back to me, no matter how long it takes,” he had written this part when he realized he no longer knew Jinyoung's number. “Come back to me, I don't want to let you go.”

With another sigh, he sat up and closed the program, leaving his room in a heavy silence.

As if he knew Jaebum had been thinking about him, Jinyoung’s name appeared on his phone screen with a new text message. He opened it without hesitation.

‘Javkspn said i canbt hpld my winr…’

Jaebum snorted at the barely readable message. “He’s right.” Grinning, he added, ‘how much did you drink?”

He waited several minutes before the next reply came. ‘1...yhen 2...3...we hsd 3”

Bottles, Jaebum assumed. “Go to sleep, Jinyoung.”

Another several minutes passed, and Jaebum thought he actually had, until his phone buzzed again.

‘Thanks hyung’

Jaebum held his breath as he watched the three dots indicating Jinyoung was still writing.

‘I love you~~~'

He added several cute heart emojis and stickers after it, but it still kept Jaebum awake for most of the night, his mind reeling, and repeating the words over and over: I love you.

Chapter Text

Jinyoung woke up the next morning with his stomach churning and his mouth feeling as if it was full of cotton. He turned over with a groan. Every muscle ached. Last night, Jackson somehow convinced him that several bottles of wine and a “sleepover” was a good idea. They had piled several blankets on the floor, just like they did as teenagers. They drank, reminisced, and—

Jinyoung sat up with a jolt. Fuck.

He grabbed his phone and groaned when he saw last night's messages with their cute emojis and excessive number of pink, sparkling hearts.

‘Thanks hyung…’ ‘I love you~~~’

Jaebum never replied.

He flopped back down with another groan, glad Mark and Jackson had already left so he could wallow in self-pity and embarrassment alone. He lay there for several minutes, silently berating himself for being stupid and careless. He was an adult. He shouldn’t have been sending drunk messages in the middle of the night to his—

—best friend, he thought firmly.

He pushed away the ache in his chest as he thought about the soft, tender way Jaebum had pressed their lips together. He thought about the hurt look that flashed in Jaebum’s eyes when he made it clear wanted to forget about it, and pushed that away too. He just got his best friend back. He didn’t want to ruin everything because they had done something they had no idea how to handle. He buried his head under his pillow and willed the feelings of guilt to disappear. It was for the best. He just wished it didn’t hurt so much.

After several long minutes, in which he seriously debated simply laying there until he grew old and died, he finally got up and took his time to dress. He put his blankets back on his bed, and folded the ones Jackson had dragged from the guest room he and Mark were using. As he was finally making his way downstairs, he heard Jackson’s voice, and a loud, oddly familiar laugh, though he wasn’t sure why he recognized it...

When he entered the kitchen, his eyes widened. Choi Youngjae was sitting at the table, cradling a mug of hot chocolate, looking as though he had sat in that exact spot a thousand times. Next to him was someone he had never seen before, but was dressed more like a celebrity than Youngjae, who was wearing a simple black hoodie and jeans. Mark looked up when he entered.

“‘Morning,” he greeted.

Jinyoung felt paralyzed as all eyes turned to him. Youngjae smiled excitedly and stood.

“Park Jinyoung?” he hurried around the table and grabbed his hand. “Jaebum-hyung told me so much about you, it so nice to finally meet you!”

Jinyoung let Youngjae shake his hand, still dumbfounded as to why one of Korea’s most famous singers was standing in his kitchen.

“Is this the guy Jaebum punched Jaejin over?” the celebrity-looking guy asked curiously, standing up to look at Jinyoung over Youngjae’s shoulder. He had an accent Jinyoung knew was foreign but couldn’t quite place.

“Jaebum punched someone?!” Jackson shouted.

“Oh…” the guy smiled sheepishly. “Did he not tell you why he’s on break?”

Jinyoung forced himself to come back to his senses and looked between him and Youngjae. “Jaebum punched someone?”

Sighing, Youngjae dropped his hand and took a step back. “I think it’s better if you ask him…”

Jinyoung opened his mouth to argue, because he had been trying to ask why Jaebum was on a break that didn’t seem to have an end, but he dodged or deflected his questions every time.

“Youngjae was telling us he’s here for a two day one night photoshoot for a photobook,” Mark said, successfully steering the conversation away. “Jaebum doesn’t know he’s here.”

“It’s a surprise,” Jackson said, sounding entirely too delighted. “Isn’t it sweet?”

Jinyoung suddenly remembered the gentle way Jaebum spoke to Youngjae on the phone and the fond look he always had whenever he mentioned him. No. Not really, he wanted to reply. He thought about his collection of albums on the shelves in bedroom and vaguely wondered why he had them at all...

He could feel Mark’s eyes on him as if he knew exactly what Jinyoung was feeling, and quickly schooled his expression into a smile, even though it didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“He talks about you too,” he said in the friendliest tone he could manage without sounding too forced. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Youngjae-ssi.” It wasn’t a complete lie. But it wasn’t exactly sincere, either.

Youngjae chuckled. “Youngjae is fine…”

He told Jinyoung he had wanted to see the farm after hearing so many stories from Jaebum, but he always managed to find an excuse to get out of it.

Youngjae grinned wickedly. “To be honest, we called your parents months ago to find a time we could book everything for two days. I was going to drag Jaebum with us, but well....” he trailed off with a shrug.

Jinyoung reluctantly admitted he was impressed, even if it stung knowing he was no longer the only one who knew how to handle Jaebum’s stubbornness.

After that, he learned the celebrity-like foreigner was Bambam. He was barely 21 — the same age as Yugyeom — and had moved to Seoul from Bangkok when he was only 14 to be an idol trainee. Like Jaebum, he had found his passion in something else instead. Now, he was one of the youngest stylists in the industry, and had been with Youngjae since debut. Apparently they were trainees together.

Before they lost touch, Jinyoung listened to Jaebum talk about his life in Seoul and as a trainee, but other than the one showcase he attended, he had never really seen what Jaebum’s life was like. So when he entered the barn, it was like being thrown into an entirely different world.

It was complete chaos. The moment they arrived, Youngjae was ushered into the lounge, where they set up a makeshift dressing room with racks of clothes, a full length mirror, and makeup and hair products laid out on a plastic table usually piled with tack and horse blankets. In the aisles, Yugyeom and his father were grooming their two safest horses, and braiding one of them. Apparently the photographer wanted to show two contrasting beauties — one of untouchable perfection, and one that was natural and warm.

He sent a text to Jaebum to let him know he was awake and only slightly hungover. He decided not to mention the previous night’s texts, and reluctantly honored Youngjae’s request to keep his “surprise” a secret until Jaebum arrived. He received a short reply, telling him he would be there soon. The jealous pang shot through him again when he thought about the way Jaebum would smile and greet Youngjae in that warm voice of his...

Not wanting to see their reunion, he hid in the office under the pretense of looking over the agreement his parents made with Youngjae’s management. It was fairly simple — the farm would receive a generous fee for allowing the production crew to film, and in turn, the farm would allow full access to the facilities. He left the door open as to not appear unfriendly.

Several minutes later, a soft knock made him look up. Mark offered him a small smile as he entered and shut the door.

“Jaebum’s here,” he said, dropping down into one of the plastic chairs in front of the desk.

Jinyoung hummed, no longer reading the contract, but refusing to drop the facade.

“So clearly you haven’t talked about what happened that night…”

The image of Jaebum leaning forward just before their lips met flashed through his mind. He tightened his grip on the edge of the paper he was holding.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he muttered. He had texted Mark the very next morning before he left for Seoul, and was regretting it thoroughly.

“Yeah, you’re just hiding because it’s fun,” Mark replied sarcastically.

Jinyoung finally looked up to glare at him. Usually, Mark was quite content to keep quiet and observe rather than involve himself with other people. So why, he wondered, did he choose now of all times to get involved with something Jinyoung was so desperate to forget?

“He doesn’t want to talk about it either.”

“You sure about that?” Mark replied patiently.

No. But Jinyoung wasn’t about to admit it out loud. And what if they did talk about it?

Growing up, he sometimes allowed himself to steal glances when Jaebum wasn’t looking, or let his arm linger just a little longer around Jaebum's shoulders when he could get away with it, but he always stopped short of letting himself believe they could ever be together. He never let himself think of the possibility that Jaebum liked him back. And now as an adult, after four years of silence and eight years apart, they had both changed so much, Jinyoung wasn’t sure if his resurging feelings were for the old Jaebum he remembered, or the Jaebum he had become. Or if there was even a difference.

“You’re doing that thing again,” Mark said. “That thinking too hard thing.” He smirked when Jinyoung scowled at him. “You know I’m right.”

Sighing, he threw down the contract he was still holding and leaned back in his chair to stare at the ceiling. Mark was right. He was terrified of all the things that could go wrong. Being rejected by Jaebum would be embarrassing and hurt, but he would survive. What he couldn’t bear was the thought of having something he never allowed himself to think about and then losing it.

“I liked you better before Jackson’s meddling wore off on you,” he muttered halfheartedly.

“If I was Jackson, I would have locked both of you in here until you worked your shit out.”

“Thank god you’re not Jackson.”

Mark grinned and stood. “I’m not above it.” Jinyoung looked at him and he added, “Talk to him.”

He turned his gaze back to the ceiling and sighed again as Mark left. He wrote romance novels for a living, but he couldn’t even figure out his own love life. Did years of pining and a single kiss even count as a love life?

A knock on the door frame made him look up again. Jaebum was standing there, his hair still a little damp as if he had simply towel dried it before coming to the barn. Jinyoung knew he was staring, but hoped his expression didn’t give away just how beautiful he thought Jaebum was with his fluffy hair, ripped jeans, and simple red hoodie. He smiled and Jinyoung wondered how he had survived all those years without it…

‘Talk to him,’ Mark had said.

He stared at Jaebum, who tilted his head curiously. With the barn in complete chaos, it was the worst time to talk. He bit his lip. If he didn’t say anything now, he probably never would. Maybe they would talk and decide the kiss meant nothing. The lie sent a sharp pain through his chest.

He looked at Jaebum, who was still watching him with a curious expression. Ask him, he thought furiously. Talk to him...

What came out of his mouth was something else entirely.

“Did you hit someone?”

Jaebum’s eyes widened.

“Youngjae’s stylist...Bambam? Said you hit someone because of me,” he said, keeping his voice even. He didn’t know why it suddenly seemed so important.

Jaebum muttered something about silencing Bambam’s loud mouth for good, before looking at Jinyoung with a careful expression. “It’s nothing...don’t worry about it.”

Jinyoung narrowed his eyes. “You don’t just hit people.”

Now it was Jaebum’s turn to glare at him.

“Hyung!” Yugyeom’s head appeared around the edge of the door. His face fell when he saw their serious expressions. “Am I interrupting?”

“No,” Jaebum grunted, he pulled something out of his hoodie pocket and tossed it at Jinyoung, who barely caught it. It was medicine for a headache...a hangover...

Then he left.

Maybe Mark was wrong, he thought miserably, the little bottle like lead in his heads. Maybe it was just better to leave things the way they were.

Chapter Text

“I don’t think Jinyoung likes me very much…” Youngjae mumbled sadly as Jaebum led him by hand around the pasture. He was on a large chestnut mare named Rogue. Yugyeom had flawlessly braided her dark mane and tail, and Jaebum couldn’t help but feel a bit proud that he had been the one to teach him.

As he walked Youngjae around the field, Mark, Jackson, and Yugyeom were moving jumps, decorations, and bales of hay wherever the photographer deemed them important to be. Jinyoung, meanwhile, was holding King, the dark bay gelding Youngjae would be taking photos with after Rogue. He had greeted Youngjae and was polite with the staff, but there was a tightness in his smile that wasn’t completely genuine.

"What are you talking about?” he asked, feigning ignorance.

Youngjae glanced uncertainly over his shoulder at Jinyoung, who was watching King graze. “Just a feeling…”

Jaebum followed his gaze and sighed.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

“Did you fight?”

“Not exactly…” he muttered. After a brief hesitation, he added, “He asked why I hit Jaejin…”

There was a short silence before Youngjae responded. “Why didn’t you tell him?”

He snorted. “What? That I hit an idol because he called Jinyoung a fa—”

“Youngjae-ssi!” the photographer called over. “We’re ready!”

Youngjae frowned at him as they walked over. “I don’t know why you’re making it a secret...”

Jaebum didn’t respond. As far as he was concerned, telling Jinyoung a 20-year-old rookie idol got under his skin wasn’t just embarrassing, it was the same as confessing. And he wasn’t exactly in a hurry have his heart broken. Jinyoung made it perfectly clear he didn’t want to talk about what happened between them. He barely had his best friend back. He didn’t want to lose him again because he couldn’t keep his feelings to himself.

As the day wore on, Jinyoung continued to be polite but distant. If he wasn’t keeping himself busy with the horses, he was making sure to stay around Mark and Jackson. Whenever Jaebum came around, he seemed to find something else he needed to do and left.

Youngjae, for his part, was trying. He smiled and tried to brighten the mood, but Jinyoung couldn't quite keep his own from looking forced. Whenever Youngjae’s shoulders slumped disappointedly as Jinyoung made up another excuse to escape, Jaebum felt the annoyance prickle under his skin. During one of their breaks, Jinyoung had once again made up an excuse to retreat into the barn after Youngjae invited him to eat lunch with everyone.

“I told you…” Youngjae said glumly, poking at his kimbap. “He doesn’t like me.”

Jackson jumped up and plopped himself between Jaebum and Youngjae. "Don’t think about it too much!” he said cheerfully, throwing his arm around his shoulders. “He just had a bit too much wine last night...probably still not feeling too well, you know?”

Youngjae’s ghost of a smile did little to ease Jaebum’s guilt. He had been so excited to meet Jinyoung after Jaebum told him he had all of his albums. He saw Jackson glance significantly at Mark, who looked at Jaebum. Jinyoung’s attitude clearly hadn’t escaped either of them. Getting the hint, he stood and left.

When he entered the barn, Jinyoung was on the far end of the aisle, taking out Rogue’s braids.

“Youngjae thinks you hate him,” he said in greeting.

Jinyoung’s hand slipped and he caught himself with the seam ripper he was using to cut the yarn. Cursing, he sucked the spot on his finger and glared over his shoulder at Jaebum, who wasn’t feeling generous enough at the moment to feel bad.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Stop lying.”

Jinyoung shot him another icy look.

Sighing, Jaebum reached up, grabbed the seam ripper out of his hand, and forced him off the stool so he could do it instead.

“Yah,” Jinyoung reached for it again, but Jaebum held it out of reach.

When he didn’t try again, Jaebum started working at the braids. He wedged the seam ripper between the mane and the yarn and pulled up. Some people hated taking out braids. It was slow, tedious work only made worse if the horse didn't want to stand still. For Jaebum, there was something satisfying about cutting the yarn loose and combing the mane out with his fingers.

“What do you want?” Jinyoung finally sighed. He leaned against the nearby wall to watch Jaebum finish.

“I told you.” He freed another braid and let the yarn fall to the ground.

Rogue shifted her weight from one hind leg to another as he continued to work down her mane. There were only a few left, and Jinyoung had already taken the braid out of her forelock so she looked like she had a really intense perm.

When Jinyoung didn’t respond, he added, “You’re being an ass.” He kept his voice even but there was still a touch of temper underneath.

“Did you come here just to tell me that?” he muttered.

Jaebum checked himself before answering. The last thing he wanted to do was fight. “He’s important to me, Jinyoung,” he said with more of an edge in his voice than he intended. “I wanted you to meet him.”

“I did. He’s great. Perfect,” Jinyoung replied, he pushed himself off the wall. “You can put her out in the field when you’re done.”

“Yah—”

Jaebum stepped off the stool and grabbed Jinyoung’s arm before he could escape like he had been all day. Jinyoung tried to pull away but he held on tighter.

“Are you mad because I won’t tell you why I hit that guy?” he asked.

“Why did you?” Jinyoung retorted.

“I told you...it’s nothing.”

Jinyoung smiled unpleasantly. “Now who's lying?”

Jaebum felt his temper flare again. He let go of Jinyoung’s arm and stepped back. His hand tightened its hold around the seam ripper.

“Fine,” he said. “He called your books disgusting,” he felt the anger rising again as he remembered the exact words the kid had used. He wasn’t going to repeat them. Even if the words weren’t his, he didn’t want to see the look of hurt on Jinyoung’s face when he heard them. “Said the idea of two guys falling in love made him physically ill...it pissed me off so I hit him.”

He watched Jinyoung’s eyes widen. There is was. The hurt expression he never wanted to see. He swallowed, the anger was still fresh when he thought about that day. How he had stood up and hit Jaejin before he could even think about what he was doing. How he had been dragged out of the room by their manager. How he sat in his executive producer’s office and refused to apologize or continue working with the group...

“You wanted to know.” He forced the seam ripper back into Jinyoung’s hand. “Now you do.”

He left before Jinyoung could respond.

Chapter Text

Once the photoshoot finished just after sunset, Jinyoung’s parents set up an outdoor barbeque in a small clearing with two picnic tables and a fire pit. It was something they often did with guests on warm nights after a day of trail riding. Though the weather was getting cooler, everyone was excited as they helped set out paper plates and plastic cups. Jinyoung sat alone at one of the picnic tables and glanced over to the grill, where Jaebum was helping his father. They hadn’t spoken since that afternoon. 

He thought about everything Jaebum told him. ‘He called your books disgusting,’ he had said. Jinyoung heard the harshness in his voice like he was spitting poison off his tongue.

He spent the entire day thinking about how, by the time he published his first novel, they had already lost touch. He thought about the day Jaebum pulled his book from the shelf. ‘The third one is my favorite,’ he said. He thought about how Jaebum had been angry enough to hit someone for words Jinyoung had almost become numb to because it happened all too often. It wasn’t that the slurs and hateful comments didn’t sting — they always would — but he was getting better at ignoring them.

The dark cloud hovering around him all day seemed to lift as he watched Jaebum fend off Mark, who was trying to steal a piece of meat off the grill. Youngjae’s loud, carrying laugh made his stomach twist with guilt. There had been — and still was — an ugly part of him that wished Youngjae never showed up at all. He knew it wasn’t fair. There was no reason to dislike Youngjae at all. He had been kind and friendly all day despite Jinyoung’s mood. And yet his presence had felt like an intrusion. An unwelcome addition to the little bubble Jinyoung and Jaebum had been living in since he returned home. Where it was just the two of them, just like it had always been before Jaebum built a new life in Seoul. It wasn’t jealousy. Not entirely, anyway, he admitted. I was seeing someone who represented everything Jaebum had left their little town for — everything he had left Jinyoung for...

Someone elbowed him in the ribs. “Man,” Jackson dropped down next to him and straddled the picnic table bench. “You still have it bad.”

Jinyoung tore his eyes away from Jaebum and Youngjae to glare at Jackson. “What?”

Jackson raised an eyebrow at him like he had just asked a particularly stupid question. “ Are you pretending right now or do you really not notice how you look at him?”

When Jinyoung just stared at him, he waved his hands around like they would help him find the words he wanted to say. "You look at him like one of those characters in your novels...all heart-eyes and gross longing or whatever.”

“Poetic,” he replied dryly.

“You know what I mean,” Jackson narrowed his eyes at him.

“Why are you here Jackson?” he sighed.

"You’ve been acting like an ass all day.”

“So I’ve been told,” he muttered back. His eyes wandered over to where Jaebum was grinning at something Youngjae said. He felt himself smile.

“Ew.”

With another frustrated sigh, he looked back at Jackson. “What?”

“Why won’t you tell him you love him?”

Jinyoung let his head fall to the table. “Go away.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

Everything. He answered silently. He was terrified of the idea of Jaebum loving him back. Terrified of having a few months or a few years of happiness only to have it end with nothing but the person he loved hating him. He was afraid of having everything he always wanted and then losing it because one day Jaebum would realize Jinyoung wasn’t good enough. He would find someone more exciting, better looking, and just more than what Jinyoung was...

“I don’t know,” he lied.

Jackson snorted and stood. “Talk to him.”

Jinyoung turned his head to glare at him, “You’ve been talking to Mark.”

Jackson threw him an exasperated look. “He likes you Jinyoung...I’m pretty sure he loves you. Are you really too blind to notice or are you forcing yourself not to?”

He turned his head away. He really — really — did not want to have this conversation. He could barely figure out his own feelings, let alone think about Jaebum’s.

“Fine…” Jackson said when he still refused to answer. “Watch Jaebum get married to some hot idol or whatever...it’s not my love life.”

On that last, dramatic note, he left. Jinyoung let his eyes wander back to Jaebum, who looked up from the grill just in time to see him staring. He fought the urge to look away and just let himself hold his gaze as he thought about Jackson’s words.

‘—he loves you.’

Did he?

Sighing, he stood and walked over to where his mother was chatting with Youngjae’s manager. He made up an excuse about having to work on the final chapter of his novel, acutely aware Jaebum was watching. His mother’s shoulders slumped disappointedly, but she smiled anyway, understanding as always. After quickly apologizing to Youngjae’s manager he finally made his much needed escape. He needed to think. Away from everyone, and especially away from Jaebum.

When he reached the house, he paused as he passed the small living room. A stack of old puzzles on the shelf against the far wall caught his eye. Without thinking, he found himself in front of it. He never quite understood why they had so many. His father simply enjoyed bringing back puzzles whenever he traveled. They had some from provinces all over Korea, Japan, China, Thailand, and Europe. They were all of varying sizes and difficulty — a few were so hard, they had never been successfully assembled even once. His eyes landed on one in particular. It was nothing special — just a standard, 1000-piece puzzle of a long desert road and a sign that said 'Historic Route 66.’ In the distance of the photo was a vintage red convertible, driving towards the horizon. His father had apparently picked it up when he went to the grand canyon, before Jinyoung was born. He pulled it down. It was also Jaebum’s favorite.

He had never been very interested in puzzles. Once they were together, the effort put into them simply felt unsatisfying. But Jaebum loved them. He had put together more of their puzzles than Jinyoung ever did. Whenever Jaebum spent the night, if he woke before Jinyoung, or had trouble sleeping, he could be found in the living room with a puzzle scattered across the hardwood floor in front of him. Something inside him ached at the memory...

Before he knew it, he was sitting in the same spot Jaebum often did, with the pieces scattered on the floor. He carefully sorted the edge pieces and began building the frame. Maybe this was why Jaebum liked them so much, he thought, fitting two pieces together with ease. With each connected piece, the thoughts he couldn’t make sense of seemed to disappear or fall into place…

He thought about the two weeks Jaebum had been home and the time they spent together. Thought about those times he felt Jaebum looking at him, only to see his eyes quickly glance in the other direction.

He had half the frame finished...

He thought about the way Jaebum smiled, and how it still made his heart race like nothing had changed in the eight years they had been apart. He thought about how easily they fell back into their old friendship. So much had changed, but Jaebum still laughed at the same things, still watched the same kind of movies, and read the same kind of books. He had even whined with jealousy when Jinyoung told him he met one of Jaebum’s favorite authors at a gala he had been forced to attend. He smiled and fit together two more pieces.

“Are we fighting?” Jaebum’s low voice made him snap his head up. He was standing in the living room entrance, trying to look unconcerned about whatever answer Jinyoung might give him. “Everyone is still down at the barn,” he said, noticing Jinyoung glance behind him.

Like the puzzle pieces, something clicked into place as he stared up at Jaebum, who still seemed to be waiting for an answer.

“Were we fighting?” he muttered, returning his attention to the puzzle.

At least one thing hadn’t changed he thought. No matter how intense their fights became, they were almost always able to let them go like nothing happened. Or rather, he admitted, Jaebum had always allowed Jinyoung to avoid talking about them, despite how much he hated leaving things unsaid. His gut stirred guiltily for the second time that night. He was so selfish.

He heard Jaebum give a small chuckle before entering the room and dropping down across from him. “I thought you didn’t like puzzles.”

Jinyoung shrugged as he fit together two more pieces, trying to ignore the tightness in this throat and hoping it would go away. Jaebum sorted through the center pieces, easily finding the ones that belonged together. Apparently the years hadn’t erased the familiarity with it.

They worked in silence, as always, falling into an easy rhythm. Jinyoung finished the frame, and Jaebum slid over more pieces for him to work with. Every so often, he would sneak a glance at Jaebum when he wasn’t looking. His eyes were concentrated on the pieces in front of him as his fingers delicately and easily fit each piece together like he had a thousand times before.

Jaebum looked up and smiled softly when he caught him staring. That stir of longing swept through him again. He looked back at the puzzle and tried to a fit two pieces together that clearly didn’t belong.

“Why did you do it?” he asked. He fiddled with one of the pieces in his hands. Jaebum’s hands froze over one of the pieces between them.

“Do you still have to ask…” he replied quietly.

He picked up the piece and fit it together with another. The sky was complete. All they had left was part of the road and the distant red car.

Jinyoung hesitated before replying with a mumbled, “Thanks...”

He looked up, and so did Jaebum, their nearly finished puzzle suddenly forgotten. His heart ached as everything he wanted to tell Jaebum came surging to the surface. He wanted to tell Jaebum how he had loved him since they were kids. How it had hurt watching the van pull away the day he left for Seoul. How he collected every album Jaebum ever worked on because even if he couldn’t have him, he wanted some part of him…

Jaebum opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, when the front door opened, followed by a mix of several voices as their friends and part of Youngjae’s staff came filing through the house. It was like a spell being broken. By the time Jackson entered the room, with his arm slung amicably around Youngjae’s shoulders, looking pleasantly buzzed, Jinyoung had settled with his back against the couch, where he pretended to watch Jaebum finish the puzzle, as if they had been like that the entire time.

“Whoa,” Jackson giggled. “You look so domestic.”

Jinyoung shot him a sour look, partly annoyed because they had been interrupted, but mostly because Jackson was about as subtle as a sledge hammer.

To his surprise, Jaebum chuckled and muttered under his breath so only Jinyoung could hear, “Do we?”

After Mark relieved Youngjae of Jackson, and shot them both an annoyingly knowing grin, Youngjae also sleepily bid them goodnight and followed. They stayed where they were, Jaebum fitting together the last pieces to complete the puzzle while Jinyoung watched. One by one, the rest of the staff and his parents filed into the house and wished them good night.

Nervously, just as Jaebum placed the last puzzle piece in, Jinyoung asked, “You want to stay here tonight?”

Jaebum looked up. His surprise quickly melted into that same warm gaze from earlier. “Yeah.”

Chapter Text

When Jaebum woke the next morning, he was on the floor of the living room. The early morning sun shining through the window painted the room a bright, brilliant orange. He shifted so he was staring up at Jinyoung, who had fallen asleep on the couch. Either too tired or too unwilling to make the trek upstairs last night, they had put in a old movie and fell asleep. Someone — probably Jinyoung — had shut off the TV. He could hear movement upstairs and someone in the kitchen making breakfast. He took a deep breath, smelling coffee, rice, and what was unmistakably kimchi jjigae. As he had the other day, he gave himself a few, selfish moments to let his eyes roam across Jinyoung’s face and imagined waking up every morning next to him, trading lazy kisses in bed, making breakfast, sipping coffee...

Growing up, he convinced himself that kind of happiness was asking for too much. He thought between following his dream and being with Jinyoung, he was only allowed one. Now, he thought about how foolish he had been.

“What?” Jinyoung mumbled thickly. He opened his eyes and stared back at Jaebum.

Embarrassed, he cleared his throat and looked away, trying to look as nonchalant as he could with Jinyoung in front of him with his cute, sleep-tousled hair. His cheeks burned red.

“What?”

“You were staring.”

He stumbled ungracefully to his feet, only just managing to catch himself from falling when he tripped on his blankets. “I wasn’t.”

He fled before he could say anything stupid like 'you look cute.'

In the midst of the morning chaos with a full house of guests waking up, showering, gathering for breakfast, and heading to the barn for the final day of shooting, they barely saw each other. As Jaebum helped Bambam dress Youngjae in tan breeches, shiny tall boots, a blue tie, and a trendy black jacket he had only seen Olympians wear, Jinyoung was making sure the pastures were free of manure and cleaning the large horse trailer so Youngjae could take photos without getting his clothes dirty. He thought about the number of shows he and Jinyoung spent hurriedly brushing dust and hay off their jackets before they entered the show ring, and grinned. Despite working in the industry for so many years, the idea of trying to look “authentic” without actually reflecting reality was something he would never quite get used to.

He watched from the sidelines as Youngjae posed with the jumps and on the fence, looking like the perfect model for an equestrian magazine. Jinyoung was standing next to the photographer, helping direct Youngjae's movements so they looked more natural. Yesterday, there had been a dark cloud hovering around him. But this Jinyoung was different. He was smiling and speaking to Youngjae with genuine interest between shots. Jaebum couldn’t keep his eyes off him.

It wasn’t until lunch did they finally see each other. They all sat together on blankets laid out on the grass, with Jackson and Bambam naturally leading the conversation and filing it with laughter. Next to him, Jinyoung’s head fell on his shoulder as he laughed, and Jaebum couldn’t remember the last time he felt so genuinely happy and at home.

Eventually, Jackson and Mark were called to help move decorations again, and Bambam dragged Yugyeom off to help him get the next set of clothes ready. Youngjae hurried off after them, and returned with three things in hand. Nervously, he held out his mini album, Icarus, Jinyoung’s first novel, and a marker. Jaebum, who had splayed out on the blanket, sat up to watch as Jinyoung slowly looked up.

“Um...Jaebum said, it was your favorite album…” Youngjae smiled a bit. “I thought...we could exchange...I don’t read much, but I like your stories…”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened, unable to hide his shock. He opened his mouth, then closed it again as Youngjae fidgeted in front of him.

“You don’t have to…” he said quickly, pulling back a bit. Jinyoung reached out to stop him.

“No, it’s fine…” he gave Youngjae his most reassuring smile as he took the book and marker. “I’m glad you like them.”

Youngjae threw Jaebum a delighted smile, which he warmly returned. Jinyoung wrote a short message, which he seemed unwilling to let Jaebum see, because he tilted it away when he tried to peek over. He caught enough of it though.

‘Thank you for being there for Jaebum.’

His heart suddenly felt too big for his chest.

When Youngjae signed his album, he added, “I hope we can be friends!” and even stuck a post-it note with his phone number on the top. Jinyoung immediately entered it into his phone and smiled when Youngjae’s buzzed with a short text.

“Thanks,” he murmured when Youngjae was called over to begin his final set of photos for the day.

Jinyoung looked at him. “For what?”

Always caring about me,’ he thought. “Being nice to Youngjae,” he said instead.

He saw Jinyoung’s cheeks color a bit.

“He’s your friend…” he muttered, looking away. “You were right...I was an ass yesterday.”

He plucked at a few blades of glass. Jaebum wondered if the urge to reach forward and pull him into a kiss would ever go away.

He reluctantly tore his eyes away and instead focused on Mark and Jackson, who were halfway across the field, pretending to fence with the crops they had used in that morning’s photo session. There was always a dull ache of jealousy deep inside him when he watched them. At first glance, they seemed like they were opposite in every way. Where Jackson was the life of the party and glowed whenever he was the center of attention, Mark hovered quietly around the edges observing and only participating when he had something to say. Jackson seemed like an endless ball of energy, but Mark could often be seen napping on the couch in the barn lounge or on the swing chair on the back porch of the guest house. But in the days Jaebum had known them, he saw how they fit together. Mark’s eyes brightened whenever Jackson was around. Jackson’s wit was easily matched by Mark’s own. And when he wasn’t napping, Jaebum had never seen Mark quite sit still. He was always moving or fidgeting with something.

“They almost broke up, you know,” Jinyoung said quietly, watching as well.

Jaebum turned his head to look at him. Jinyoung had a soft, almost sad smile.

“Jackson’s mom got sick in his second semester their freshman year of college…he finished the semester and went home to Hong Kong. They hadn’t even been dating a year…” He plucked at a few more strands of grass. “Mark tried to break up with him...didn’t think it was fair to put that extra burden on Jackson to try and keep up with a long distance relationship…”

Something sharp and painful twisted into Jaebum’s gut. He thought about how easily he and Jinyoung had fallen apart with just two hours between them. A whole ocean seemed impossible.

“Did they?” The proof of a happy ending was in front of him, but he still had to know.

Jinyoung’s smile ticked up a bit more. “No.”

There was a loud, victorious shout mingled with cheering and loud demands from Jackson for a rematch. Jaebum turned his attention back them, and saw Mark jumping and laughing along with Bambam and Yugyeom, his crop still held in one hand while Jackson’s laid several feet away in the grass. His protests were only silenced when Mark threw his arm over his shoulders and laughed into his hair before placing a swift kiss against his temple. Sulking, Jackson settled himself closer against his side and held him around his waist. Jaebum’s chest ached again.

“Jackson…”

Jaebum turned to look at Jinyoung when he chuckled again.

“He’s all in with everything he does...said the only way he would agree is if Mark could tell him he didn’t love him because an ocean wasn’t big enough to be an excuse.”

Jaebum snorted back a laugh. It was cheesy and over-the-top and perfectly Jackson. For the first time, Jinyoung looked at him. He wasn’t smiling, but there was something in his expression Jaebum couldn’t quite decipher. Before he could begin to try, Youngjae was calling over to them. With a small smile, Jinyoung stood and helped Jaebum up. Maybe it was just his imagination that made him think Jinyoung’s fingers lingered just a little longer than would be considered normal...

Chapter Text

At the end of the day, once Youngjae finished his last photoshoot and changed into his hoodie and jeans, all that was left was to pack the last of the equipment in the vans and say goodbye. Youngjae beamed as he exchanged numbers with Mark, Jackson, and Yugyeom, promising to invite both Mark and Jackson to the show in Hong Kong during his world tour. Bambam handed Yugyeom the card of an acquaintance who worked for a modeling agency. Yugyeom stared at the card in awe, like such a small piece of paper couldn’t possibly lead to something so life changing.

Jaebum watched as Youngjae turned to Jinyoung. They looked at each other for several moments, as if some, unspoken moment had passed between them, before Jinyoung reached out to pull Youngjae into a hug.

“Make sure he doesn’t hit anyone once he gets back to Seoul,” he muttered.

Youngjae laughed as Jaebum let out an indignant, “Yah!” and shoved Jinyoung as they parted. Jinyoung grinned at him and stepped away so Jaebum could have is turn.

“See you soon, hyung,” Youngae said, hugging him tight. He smiled as he stepped away and waved cheerfully at the rest of them before climbing into his van with Bambam following just behind.

They watched the vans pull out of the parking lot and disappear down the driveway. Just like that, the barn suddenly went back to its usual quiet. It almost felt empty with the absence of camera equipment and staff bustling every which way. As they finished cleaning up what little was left — sweeping the aisle, checking water, and turning off ring lights — Jaebum noticed Jinyoung missing. He checked the office, the lounge, and even the feed and tack rooms, but still, Jinyoung was nowhere to be found.

“He said he was going to move the truck out of the pasture,” Mark said, from where he was filling the last water bucket.

They had driven the truck into the field for part of the shoot but with the chaos of moving from the pasture to the barn for the final set, they left the truck where it was parked under one of the large trees. Muttering a quick thanks, he went to find Jinyoung.

The late afternoon sun was just beginning to set and he could see clouds on the horizon, threatening an overnight storm. He opened the gate to the pasture, knowing Jinyoung would be on the far end, on top of a gently sloping hill that had the best view of the farm, overlooking the barn and pastures dotted with trees that would be breathtaking in a few weeks once the leaves burst with autumn reds, oranges, and yellows.

Jaebum slowed as the truck came into view. Jinyoung was sitting on the side edge of the truck bed. He was staring ahead at an invisible spot in the grass, with his hands on either side of him gripping the edge of the truck. Jaebum smiled a bit. He knew that look. It was a pensive, serious expression he teased Jinyoung about when they were growing up, because it often meant he was overthinking. Usually about some essay question on an exam that had points deducted.

“I’m pretty sure you have to be in the truck to drive it,” he greeted, coming to stand in front of Jinyoung, who snapped his head up as if he was coming out of some sort of spell. His eyes widened. Jaebum looked at him worriedly. “Are you ok?”

Jinyoung tried to smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah...I was just thinking…”

Jaebum hauled himself onto the edge so he was sitting next to him. Their shoulders bumped together but neither moved away. Jaebum let his hand fall between his legs as he kicked the side of the truck and looked up to the sky. The air was cooler now, but the sun was still high enough to keep his skin warm. He listened to the leaves and grass rustle in the wind, waiting for Jinyoung to break the long silence.

“I was really mad at you, you know,” he finally murmured.

Confused, Jaebum lowered his head to look at him. Jinyoung was still staring at the grass.

“That’s why I never responded to your birthday message…”

Of all the things Jaebum expected, this had been the last. He had never been angry at Jinyoung for never responding. Confused and hurt when the days went by and no response came, but never angry. He even blamed himself. His life back then had been consumed with dance, vocal lessons, and new friends. Without realizing it, he had allowed Jinyoung to slip into the background until he disappeared completely. He had been blind, selfish, and stupid. By the time he thought about contacting Jinyoung again, it was already too late — he had changed his number and Jinyoung had changed his.

“I’m sorry…” he replied.

Still, Jinyoung refused to look at him. His chest tightened. The urge to reach out for one of Jinyoung's hands made him clench his own against the edge of the truck.

“That’s not…” Jinyoung sighed. “That’s not what I meant…”

The breeze picked up again, and Jaebum saw him stiffen as goosebumps rose up his arms. He shifted closer, so their arms and thighs pressed together. Jinyoung bit his lip, as if wrestling with some internal conflict.

“It’ll be different this time, right?” he asked quietly, “When you go back to Seoul…”

Jaebum turned to look at him, but Jinyoung refused to take his eyes from the invisible spot in front him. His jaw clenched as if steeling himself for something he wasn’t completely ready for.

Finally, he turned to look at Jaebum. Their eyes met for the briefest moment before Jinyoung leaned in. Jaebum nearly lost his balance when their lips met. And just as quickly, Jinyoung pulled away. His cheeks were flaming red.

“I want things to be different…” he said as if the fleeting moment had just left him breathless.

Jaebum looked at him, eyes wide. He could still feel Jinyoung’s lips on his, and wanted nothing more than to close the small gap between them again to erase the uncertainty in Jinyoung’s eyes. Yes, he thought. This time would be different.

He reached up to cup the back of Jinyoung’s neck and pulled him forward. This time, he kissed Jinyoung the way he had always wanted to — gentle and sweet and full of all the I love you’s he never got to say. Jinyoung’s hand threaded through Jaebum’s hair as he kissed him back with the same tender longing of all the missed years between them. He felt like his heart would give out.

“Me too,” he breathed when they parted again.

He rested his forehead against Jinyoung's and let the moment fill him up just a bit longer before opening his eyes. He pulled away just enough to catch the still wary look in Jinyoung's eyes. Smiling, he rubbed his thumb in little, calming strokes against the back of Jinyoung’s neck.

“It will be different this time.”

Jinyoung swallowed.

“What if it isn’t? What if we…” He took a deep breath before continuing, “What if we end up hating each other?”

Jaebum’s hand tightened around Jinyoung’s neck. The vulnerability in his words stung.

“I will never hate you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because…” he hesitated before finishing, “I know what my life is like without you in it…”

He knew it was cheesy, but it was the only way to make Jinyoung understand. Jaebum had survived and been able to continue with his life without him, but there had always been something missing. He felt it on the nights he was alone in a quiet studio, working on another song he had once again written with Jinyoung on his mind. He felt it on days he caught glimpses of Jinyoung’s novels on his shelf, and whenever he saw Jinyoung’s picture hanging over the stacks of his new release in the book store...

"We’re not teenagers anymore,” he said firmly. “A missed text message isn’t going to change anything this time.”

Jaebum didn’t know how long they simply stared at each other. The wind had picked up again. Jinyoung turned to rest his head on Jaebum’s shoulder and hesitantly reached out for his hand. He let out a slow, deep breath.

“I still can’t move to Seoul…”

“I know,” he replied quietly. He suppressed the urge to shudder as Jinyoung turned his hand over and played idly with his fingers. “We’ll figure it out...two hours isn't exactly an ocean.”

Jinyoung's body shook against his as he chuckled. He didn't reply but Jaebum noticed the slight shift that brought them closer so their thighs and sides were now pressed full against each other. He resisted the urge to close his hand around Jinyoung's, and just watched as he continued to play with his fingers.

They sat silently. There seemed to be so much left unsaid between them, but Jaebum didn’t want to push. Jinyoung still seemed to be struggling with what they both wanted and his fears for something Jaebum was determined to never let happen.

After several minutes, Jinyoung finally muttered, “Can I ask...” He turned Jaebum’s hand over again and ran his thumb over his knuckles, sounding embarrassed by what he was about to say. “How long…”

Jaebum hesitated before answering. “Since the day you fell off that pony.”

He smiled when Jinyoung eyes widened and he lifted his head to look at him in shock. “That was the day we met.”

Jaebum hummed in acknowledgement, his smile widening. He could still see 7-year-old Jinyoung trotting over a small crossrail, losing his balance, and sliding off the side of his little chestnut pony as he rounded the corner. Jaebum had been standing on the other side of the gate, watching while his mother chatted with Mrs. Park behind him. He remembered being horrified when Jinyoung hit the ground. By the time Mrs. Park hurried over to the gate, Jinyoung was already brushing himself off and reaching for the pony, who had stopped a few feet away. He shouted to his mother that he was okay, and got right back on to do it again.

Jaebum had been fascinated. He remembered Jinyoung coming out of the ring, still covered in sand, and smiling brightly as he passed Jaebum, who felt like he had been struck over the head by something rather heavy. When he returned home that night, he told his mother he wanted to start lessons.

Jinyoung let out a quick, breathless laugh as his head fell onto Jaebum’s shoulder again. “Me too.”

Grinning, Jaebum hopped off the edge of the truck, and gently tugged Jinyoung down with him. He pressed Jinyoung against the side of the truck, and leaned forward, stopping just before their lips met. He waited, wanting Jinyoung to come to him. To show him it was okay. That this wasn’t going to be like it was before. He saw the hesitation. Felt the tension in Jinyoung’s body.

“It’ll be different,” he said, as if reassuring himself.

“Yeah,” Jaebum smiled softly. “It will.”

He breathed. “Okay.”

This time, Jinyoung melted into their kiss without hesitation, letting their lips move together in a slow, tender way that made Jaebum feel as though time had slowed just for them, to make up for the years they lost and those they had ahead. Jinyoung’s mouth parted, and Jaebum deepened their kiss, hardly believing he was allowed to after so many years of telling himself that wanting Jinyoung to love him was asking for too much. A small sound caught in the back of his throat as Jinyoung’s tongue slid against his. Reluctantly, he pulled away, breathless and wishing he could just stay there and kiss Jinyoung forever.

“They might send a search party if we don’t go back soon,” he joked.

Jinyoung groaned and leaned his head back against the truck. Something inside him leapt delightedly with the knowledge that he wasn’t the only one reluctant to leave.

He leaned forward for one more kiss before pulling Jinyoung away from the truck. “Jackson’s going to have a field day.”

Jinyoung groaned again.

Chapter Text

Jinyoung learned dating Jaebum wasn’t much different than being his best friend. There was just a lot more kissing - and he was sure he would never get tired of that. Two months had passed, but each time was just as electrifying as the first. He was still left breathless and lightheaded, still disbelieving it wasn't just a vivid dream he had yet to wake from.

When Jaebum first returned to Seoul, Jinyoung thought it would be harder. The first week apart after only being together for such a short time hadn’t been easy, but when Jaebum greeted him with a bright smile and a sweet kiss the weekend he returned home, Jinyoung melted into him and the worries faded away. The short waits were always worth it. And lately, with his new book nearing publication, he was spending more time in Seoul, which meant more time with Jaebum.

Mornings like this one, he felt like there was no happier moment than waking up next to Jaebum in his Seoul apartment, with the sun shining through the thin curtains. Jaebum was laying on his stomach, with his arms buried under the pillow, his face turned away from Jinyoung. He ran his finger down Jaebum’s spine and smiled when he stirred. He turned to face Jinyoung with a tired grumble.

“Stop…”

Jinyoung’s grin widened. He leaned closer and wrapped his arms and legs around him so he couldn’t escape. He trailed his finger down Jaebum's spine again, loving the way his muscles tensed and shivered beneath his touch.

With another groan, Jaebum tried to struggle out of his hold, but Jinyoung only held on tighter. He turned on his back, bringing Jinyoung with him so he was now straddling his waist. He leaned down and kissed Jaebum until his muscles relaxed and his hands rested on his hips.

“Your breath is terrible,” he muttered.

Chuckling, Jinyoung kissed him again. He could do this every day for the rest of his life and the feel of Jaebum’s lips on his would still leave him feeling warm all over.

“Jinyoung-ah….” Jaebum murmured some minutes later. They were still laying in bed, turned on their sides with their legs tangled together.

Jinyoung hummed in response. He kept his eyes on Jaebum, loving the soft, warm way he looked at him.

“What do you think...about moving in...with me?”

His eyes widened. And almost immediately, Jaebum seemed to panic. He scrambled away and sat up, his face turning bright, cherry tomato red. Jinyoung fought back a smile.

“You don’t have to,” he said quickly. “I know it’s a little soon...I just thought...when you’re in Seoul...you’re here most of the time anyway—”

Jinyoung lunged at him and cut him off with a deep, hard kiss, which he returned with equal enthusiasm. “So—” he broke away briefly, only to have Jinyoung press their lips together again “—that’s a yes?”

Jinyoung pulled away just long enough to breath a quick, “yes” before pulling him forward again.

So, maybe it took them 20 years to get here, he thought, smiling as Jaebum's hands found the small of his back. But at least he knew they had more than that to make up for it.