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High school love is unpredictable, and young love is innocent and so, so sweet, yet torture once it comes to a close. Jongin would know after all, it felt like a minute since he received his graduation diploma and he was out of eight till four education. Since he was left unsatisfied. At twenty four, Jongin was still thinking it’s been a split second since their last conversation. After Jongin realised he changed his number after graduation, he took it at a note to learn, even though he just finished being educated.
Back then Jongin was sure he was going him enough attention, enough to make the relationship last and to make him feel loved. He wanted to say sorry for letting him go unappreciated, because he was just a kid but he knew the most, that wasn’t true. At the time Jongin was young, at the time the love of his life was a year older. Maybe ignorance blinded Jongin but in his heart it felt right, in his mind it felt good.
Reminiscing on him since they last were intimate, remembering the birth mark inside his lovers thigh as the nostalgic feeling lingered around him, the sweet sounds of cherry wine intertwined with deafening yet beautiful moans. Yeah, he remembered. The way his sweat thickened like blood met by poison as the windows fogged up inside the small, rusty Ford Club Coupe. It was intimate, yet Jongin knew it well, and the other knew Jongin better. Seen through was a feeling Jongin became acquainted to, his old lover saw through him and so on, watching as Jongin’s world would fall and slowly turn into him, watch as Jongin thanked the lord, that he knew him.
He was a lot of Jongin’s firsts; hand hold, kiss, date, love, yet he never thought heart break would be the last one he’d bring. Jongin’s memories of high school all faded into one, he labelled that feeling got when he looked back after his lover. And seeing his lover for the first time in six years as he walked home from work, after bumping into him and dropping papers on the floor and falling with them.
“Hey, watch where you’re going”, Jongin muttered, brushing the dust off his cheap suit and beginning to pick up his papers before he could even acknowledge the presence of the other. “Didn’t anyone teach you how to walk in a straight line?”
“I’m sorry”, The voice which last spoke to him only a split second ago in his mind finally came back to life, The feeling overwhelmingly coming back all at one, Baekhyun.
Eyes darted up and his below 20/20 vision became so clear, so vivid. A flashback replayed in his mind in half a second, his mouth left ajar and unable to speak.
“Baekhyun?”, Jongin’s voice was weak, hurt.
“Kim Jongin”, Baekhyun spoke, his voice in a pitch which showed he realised who Jongin was, who Jongin became. “It’s been a while.”
“A while”, Jongin picked up the last paper and stood up to Baekhyun’s level. A bitter taste became present in Jongin’s mouth, yet he found his cheeks sore from smiling, his heart swollen from beating too fast, too strong. “Yeah, something like that.”
“How have you been?”, Jongin was already falling once again, Baekhyun was no longer the taller one anymore, yet his body had built out and his hair instead of the raging bright red it used to be, is now a chocolate brown.
“Good- okay, I’ve been okay” Jongin fumbled over words like his fingers used to do with old pictures of them. “And you?”
“You know me”, Baekhyun’s eyes smiled along with stupid, yet charming rectangular smile. “I’m always good.”
“That’s good to know, I’ve missed-”
“Park Baekhyun!”, a voice shouted from behind Jongin, both of their gazes darting to behind the boy who was now taller, finding a taller man walking towards them, only looking at Baekhyun with the same look Jongin used to. He met Baekhyun’s side, Jongin’s eyes following as their hands lingered around each other till they finally linked, finally intertwined into a hold.
“Jongin, this is Chanyeol”, Baekhyun didn’t even look at Jongin as he spoke, his eyes looking so, so lovingly at the tallest of all three, he was in love. “Chanyeol this is Jongin.”
Chanyeol’s other hand shot out, along with a wide grin, towards Jongin. Jongin’s hands which he used to think were big felt small in Chanyeol’s hold, despite them only being there for a small moment.
“It’s nice to meet you, do you work with Baekhyun?”, Chanyeol asked to which Jongin shook his head.
“No, we-”, ‘were in love in high school’ was meant to come out, but instead Jongin was cut off.
“We’re friends in high school”, Baekhyun finished for him, “I used to tutor him in English but we became good friends.”
“Good friends”, Jongin repeated, as if to tell himself that’s all they were. “Yeah, something like that.”
“It’s nice to meet you Jongin”, Chanyeol offered that gleaming smile once more, “but we were in the middle of something until someone decided to run off like a crazy man, isn’t that right Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun only offered a weak smile, Jongin couldn’t tell wether the guilty look on his face was for Chanyeol of him, but he shouldn’t fool himself anymore. It was for Chanyeol, not him. A weak sorry from Baekhyun came after.
“I’m sorry to cut this reunion short but we have a table booked for a special night”, Chanyeol’s excitement managed to make his ears glow red. “Can we say? He’ll be the first to know.”
“I-”
“We got our adoptions forms approved”, Jongin’s eyes widened, mouth ajar one more.
“Congratulations”, his faux smile became present on his face, Jongin unmoved as Baekhyun’s face became a wide grin too, joining his supposed husband in happiness. “I’m happy for you- for you both.”
“Thank you!”, Chanyeol smiled and hummed after. “I have to steal my husband now, otherwise we will missed our booked table.”
“Goodbye Chanyeol”, Jongin’s heart sank, “Goodbye Baekhyun.” He spoke for the last time.
“Goodbye Jongin”, Baekhyun stepped forward to Jongin, but got pulled in the other direction, falling into a fit of giggles as him and Chanyeol ran in the other direction.
Jongin stood stationary as they ran into the distance, turning the corner and turning down to another road, another journey for Baekhyun. He looked happy, Jongin thought, he’d know the difference because of what they went through, he supposed. His legs set him into motion, walking towards his house as he wondered what life would be like if he was in Chanyeol’s place. Keys met the door of his apartment, scratches on the metal around it from drunken nights of hit and misses, and being too drunk to manage to get the key in the hole.
The door shut, and Jongin opened up, leaning against the wall only a foot into the apartment, back pressed against the cold wallpaper. Sinking down, he prayed in his mind that Baekhyun would forgive him for not being enough, for not being someone that Baekhyun could keep in his heart forever the same Jongin kept Baekhyun in his. He reached the floor and realised, just maybe, that he was too blind to see that the whole time his heart was beating for someone else, the others heart beat to a different drum.
Jongin knew he was bound to love Baekhyun the right way at the wrong time, only maturing enough now than when he did when they first were together.
What Jongin was thinking looking into Baekhyun’s eyes at the last time he knew he would see them, he thought, ‘I can't help that i’m going to love you always’, just thinking that now in his dark apartment, no light, the feeling of Baekhyun was the only thing keeping him warm.
Jongin knew he needed to move on, he needed to be happy too, just as Baekhyun was. Yet, tonight though, he wanted to reminisce, to feel what he used to feel. To be happy like he used to be. He knew once he was old with kids, he’d still feel the same to Baekhyun, even if the feelings weren’t as strong, Baekhyun would still be his first love. Maybe his only love.
After some time, Jongin stood and removed his blazer, creased from being in a ball. His tired body crept towards the couch and sunk into it, on and on Baekhyun’s thoughts were in his thoughts, regrets were playing in his mind about how he wasn’t the one. How he wasn’t the person who made Baekhyun happy, truly happy.
Jongin’s tired hand found his phone, finding just what he wanted right now. The only thing he had left of them, of what kept him going on with so much hope, he was forced to save it as their memory song. The soft words of ‘cherry whine’ filtered through the two-roomed apartment, house to one, the soft guitar strumming like Jongin’s heart used to do for him.
Closing his eyes till the pictures return, unfocused at first, then almost clear, an old film played at slow speed. The feeling of Baekhyun becoming present for one, last time.