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The first time she saw her, Trini knew that she was fucked.
The girl is pretty much a walking goddess — in her cheerleading uniform that may squeeze against her biceps when she moves even slightly, but that’s not even what drives Trini crazy. It’s the hair, oddly enough. The way her short locks fall gracefully and capture the structure of her jawline is… distracting, to say the least.
It’s really all Trini can focus on when she sees her in the hallway, and in those moments she’s glad she’s spent most of the year as a ghost. Invisible. No one knows her name and she’d rather keep it that way. Life is easier when no one expects anything from the ‘girl who’s never seen without a beanie’.
A long nickname, but it’s better than the other ones she’s received in previous schools. Those she’d rather forget, or at least try to.
Anyway, back to the pretty girl who’s way out of Trini’s league. With being a cheerleader, she kind of assumed that Kimberly Hart would turn around and call her out for staring in the cruelest way possible, but it never comes. It’s another cheerleader — Amanda, she thinks — who does the honour.
Kimberly isn’t there when it happens. When she’s unexpectedly met with a pair of malicious eyes at her locker.
“You’re Deedee, right?”
And okay, that isn’t even close.
Trini doesn’t answer, arches a brow and waits to see where this glorious encounter is going to lead.
“I’ve noticed that you have an eye for my best friend and let me tell you, it’s kind of sad.” Amanda’s lips quirk into a slight smirk like it’s the greatest thing she’s ever said. Then she continues. “I suggest that you stay away unless you want to end up more of a social outcast.”
Trini’s about to say that she already is one and nothing Amanda can do will worsen that, but that wouldn’t exactly work in her favour. Instead, she keeps a stoic expression and vaguely gestures behind Amanda with the hand that isn’t currently holding books.
“Okay, good to know. Can I leave now?”
“You’re not even going to deny it? Woah, you really are a little dyke, huh?”
The word stings her more than she lets on. She only winces slightly and Amanda must notice because she’s smirking again. Knows that she hit a nerve.
“Whatever.”
Trini grumbles and purposely pushes past the other girl, maybe a little harder than intended, and walks away. She doesn’t want to stick around for anything other vile words that may spew out towards her.
After that, she avoids Kimberly, which isn’t difficult as the only class they actually share is Biology. Amanda isn’t there for that, so she thinks it’s okay to at least stare at the back of the cheerleader’s head instead of the notes on the board.
Kimberly’s far more interesting.
When Trini’s walking through the hallways later that week and spots the little clique heading her way, she turns and hightails it out of there even if her classroom is only a few more steps away. She’d rather be late than end up with another confrontation; this time with Kimberly there to witness it all.
Yeah, she’d rather have the ground open up and swallow her whole than go through that.
———————
Things are relatively normal the next few weeks.
Trini sticks to the shadows and tries not to converse with anyone for too long, even in Biology when she’s forced to partner up with someone.
She’s just glad it wasn’t Kimberly.
Kimberly doesn’t instinctively grab her attention whenever they’re in the same room as much and although she likes to think that it’s because her little crush is finally dying down, most of it is due to the fact she’s constantly around some jock.
She thinks his name is Ty or Tyler or something, but the arrogant smirk that always accompanies his less than average looks doesn’t intrigue her to remember it. The only thing she does know is the way his hand rests low on Kimberly’s hips has her stomach in knots.
Jealously flowing through her veins.
Why she’s jealous is pretty ridiculous because the two girls have barely interacted apart from occasionally catching one another’s eye during class. Maybe it’s just because she knows what boys like Kimberly’s boyfriend want, and the thought of seeing her go through that isn’t exactly pleasing to the mind.
That’s the thing about being hella gay — she’s in a constant distraught about girls who waste their time with teenage boys who think more with their dicks than their actual brain. She knows that they can do so much better, but they don’t and it leaves her completely frustrated.
And seeing this happen to Kimberly — the girl she’s absolutely ruined for — makes her boil with rage that she never plans to act on. Because Kimberly and her aren’t friends, and probably never will be.
———————
Kimberly and Ty break up. The circumstances behind it is still unknown to Trini, but it’s really not any of her business, so she shouldn’t care, right?
———————
The rest of her high school years go by… uneventful. She doesn’t change or even tries to make friends despite her parents telling her they’re not planning on moving anytime soon.
She knows eventually that they’ll end up packing everything and leaving the one place she may sort of feel attached to, though she’ll never admit that aloud.
Trini graduates, gets herself a pretty decent job at the local cafe and ends up getting accepted into the nearest college. Of course, everyone else just happens to be going to the same place as her.
Everyone else equaling Kimberly Hart.
Through the last years of school, they kind of came close to possibly building a friendship.
It was only brief, yet still Trini had to stop what she was doing and convince herself that yes, Kimberly really did approach her and mentioned something about Amanda being horrible.
She couldn’t really focus on what was being said — too preoccupied on staring fixedly at the girl’s features as her mouth moved and eyes pored into Trini’s own.
The palm of her hand is lazily resting on Trini’s shoulder, and the fleeting touch leaves her in a haze.
“… Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry about what Amanda did.”
Trini blinks. She really missed all of what Kimberly just said and now the girl is looking at her expectedly, waiting for an answer.
Luckily the small part of her brain, the part still functioning, has an idea of what Kimberly is talking about and wills herself to talk.
“Oh… Yeah. It’s fine. I’m over it.”
Apparently that’s all Kimberly needs. She smiles sweetly and gently squeezes Trini’s shoulder before uttering “Okay, good,” and then leaving Trini to stand at her locker.
Talk about déjà vu.
So, yeah. That’s the closest Trini’s actually ever gotten to Kimberly Hart and now they’re finishing high school.
Trini thought that her chances of actually having a proper conversation with her longtime crush were gone.
Boy, was she wrong.
The first day of orientation, Trini immediately catches sight of the familiar raven-locks and it seems Kimberly has the same idea when their eyes meet. They meet in the middle, both happy to see a familiar face despite having only one conversation in their entire life. They stick by each other’s side throughout the entire day, and Trini learns that Kimberly is taking a course in social justice.
It’s like the world is out to get her or something because just when she thinks they’re about to part ways, Kimberly mentions that she’s still looking for a roommate and asks without actually asking if Trini wants to room with her.
Every fibre and nerve in her body is telling her no, that sharing a room with a girl you used to have crush on is a bad idea, but Trini doesn’t listen. Finds herself agreeing after only a few seconds of thinking it over.
The two exchange numbers after that and when she’s back home, she purposely leaves out the whole encounter when her mother asks how her day was. God, even mentioning Kimberly Hart would probably cause the woman a heart attack.
Because even though she’s technically an adult, her mother has no intention on letting her make her own decisions in life. It’s a wonder how Trini managed to convince her to let her move into the dorms at college.
Trini’s just finished packing the last box when her phone vibrates against the nightstand, grabbing her attention.
No one ever texts her, so there’s really only one person who comes to mind when she thinks of who it could be.
Unknown: hey! I was thinking I could come pick you up tomorrow morning if that’s alright??
Unknown: btw it’s Kimberly
Trini stares for a long while at the brightness of her screen, wondering how after one day, Kimberly’s already talking to her like they’re best friends.
You: yeah, that sounds good with me.
You: Is nine okay?
As soon as the messages are sent, those three little bubbles pop up at the bottom of the screen, telling her Kimberly is writing.
Kimberly had their conversation already open.
Unknown: nine’s perfect. I’ll message you when I’m outside
She doesn’t really know what else to say, so she just doesn’t say anything. Leaves it on read and then changes Kimberly’s name in her phone.
———————
The next few days are strange, but that’s mostly because she’s still adjusting to Kim and her unwavering presence.
She learns a lot about the girl in their short time together. Her parents travel a lot due to work, so she’s pretty pleased to know that when she comes home (or dorm) after classes, she isn’t going to find an empty space. She spent majority of her childhood competing in different sports, however gymnastics is the one that stuck with her through most of her life — hence the cheerleading. Kim doesn’t mention anything about high school, skips over all the past relationships she’s had, including the one with Amanda.
Trini doesn’t mention it. She figured there was more to her breakup with Ty when she heard that she punched his tooth out, but it’s still none of her business and if Kim doesn’t want to talk about it, she won’t push it.
Days turn into weeks and soon enough the two girls are doing pretty much everything together. If their classes are scheduled at a similar time? They walk together, maybe even get coffee and donuts if their time permits them. Kim also drags her to every party they’re invited to, completely ignoring Trini’s claim that parties aren’t her thing and probably never will be.
All Kim has to do to change Trini’s mind is pout and it’s like she’s back in high school — unable to resist a pretty face.
They go to the party and it’s boring. To Trini it is, anyway. Kim’s having a great time, having immediately found her crowd of people the second they stepped through the door. Trini isn’t entirely surprised. Kim’s used to these kind of atmospheres, so it comes naturally to her when she starts dancing against some boy with a stupid ponytail.
Trini stays in the corner and scowls, can’t even bring herself to pretend that she’s having a good time. The only thing she wants to do right now is walk over to Kim and take that boy’s place; to push against Kim like he is, until they’re both out of breath and kissing like their life depends on it.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Her trail of thought is interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice and when she shifts her gaze to where the source, she recognises him instantly.
Jason Lee Scott.
He’s the only other student from Angel Grove High to come to this college and just like her and Kim, they hardly ever interacted. They were from different crowds, so it never would’ve happened anyway. Except he then fell from grace because of some stupid prank and ended the school’s football team at winning championship and, well, that still sounds absurd to Trini. Because what kind of team relies on one player to help them win? The backfire from his stunt was… brutal. Trini never said anything when they passed each other in the hallway, just offered this sad smile.
“I’m great.” Her tone is sharp, harsher than she was supposed to let out and Jason gives her this look. Furrows his brows in concern and he’s about to say something else when Trini abruptly stops him and pushes the cup in her hand into his own.
“Just tell Kim I got bored and went home, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for a confirmation to her request. Just turns and starts making her way to the front door. Ignores that one last glance at Kim has her heart dropping into her stomach because innocent dancing has turned into a full-blown make-out session.
When she arrives back at their dorms, she goes straight to bed and refuses to answer the texts that come one after the other.
Kimmy: hey where did you go??
Kimmy: it’s no fun without you :(
Kimmy: I’ll see you at the dorm then I guess
Kim doesn’t return until later that morning.
———————
They’re dating and Trini’s absolutely fine with that.
In fact, she’s happy that her best friend has finally found a half-decent person to be with.
Except she’s not.
Tommy Oliver is the embodiment of everything she hates. His ponytail looks more laughable than attractive, and his obsession with the colour green has her thinking that he’s some type of murderer.
Seriously, green is an ugly colour, only people with inhuman traits can find it likeable.
Kimberly adores him, however, and that leaves her in a rather awkward position. She’s still new to this whole best friend thing, but she does know that liking (or tolerating, in her case) Tommy is important to Kim.
So she tries. She really does. It’s impossible when he’s asking stupid questions like ‘what’s it like being with another girl’, or ‘have you ever thought about being straight’.
She grumbles out a response before he starts laughing, exclaiming that he’s only joking when Kim glares and then shoots her an apologetic look.
Trini knows it’s not her fault, but some little part of her is still upset at Kim for allowing him to even mention her sexuality when it’s none of his goddamn business. Kim solely knows due to that little incident with Amanda and although they laugh about it now, Trini can’t help but be filled with humiliation at the memory.
The crush she used to have on Kimberly has turned into something else due to the amount of time they spend together; something that friends aren’t supposed to feel for one another. It’s easier to pretend that the past is in the past and she’s over whatever silly infatuation she had with the former cheerleader, so she laughs.
She laughs until there’s nothing but a hollowness in her chest.
———————
“Why are you avoiding me?”
Trini’s leaning against the headboard of her bed, computer on her lap as she’s attempting to finish an essay that’s due in a few days.
So far, not even a sentence is written and now Kim’s back from her date with Tommy to distract her.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
She did, but it’s easier to pretend she didn’t. Especially when Kim is standing at the end of her bed with her arms crossed over her chest and a irritated expression is covering her countenance.
“I’m not… ignoring you. I’ve just been busy with school and stuff.”
Trini shrugs. It’s the best excuse she can think of in this moment and from the way Kim’s expression doesn’t let up, she knows that she doesn’t buy it.
She doesn’t buy it herself, as lying has never really been her forte.
In truth, the only reason she’s been avoiding any kind of contact with Kim is because Tommy is always there, even when she claims it’s only going to be ‘us two girls’.
Tommy shows up, puts his arm around Kim before pulling her into a kiss that makes Trini want to be put out of her misery for good.
“That’s your excuse every time I ask you to hang out. How much schoolwork do you get?”
It’s not a question that’s meant to be answered, but Trini finds herself going to speak anyway.
“A lot and I’m actually doing some now, so if you don’t mind, could you leave me alone?”
Trini’s gaze is fixated on her screen, but she can clearly picture the look of her hurt on Kim’s face in her mind. It gives her the exact same amount of regret if she were to witness the real thing.
The silence drags on and usually she would be the one to let it continue, but Trini can’t. She can’t deal with the guilt.
She sets her computer aside on her nightstand and sits up, dangling her legs over the edge of the bed.
“..I’m sorry, that was mean. I just..” Can’t stand being around you while knowing I’ll never have you, she thinks and leaves it unspoken. “I really have had a lot on my plate, especially since things with my family aren’t going well..”
“What do you mean?”
Kim’s voice is softer than before and Trini hates how she can feel herself melting at the sound.
“My dad got a job offer back in Hawaii, so… they’re moving again.” Trini’s shocked at how easy it is to open up about the one thing that’s been eating her alive for days, while the other reason remains locked away tight. The heavy weight looming over her shoulders is still there, just less severe.
She only found out about the moving situation a week ago. Her father had told her that they’d visit as much as possible, but that doesn’t make it any better. It doesn’t ease the pain of knowing that she’s going to miss the twin’s birthdays and first day of high school.
Not that it’s anything to celebrate, but she would’ve liked to be there to give them advice.
“Oh, Trini…”
Kim crosses the room and takes the empty spot beside Trini, promptly reaching over to intertwine their fingers. Trini reminds herself to keep the growing flame Kim’s ignited tucked away, deep in the darkness for no one to find.
“It’s whatever. I mean, I’ll still talk to them everyday and It’s not like I see them a lot now, so it’s not a big deal.”
“It is a big deal, Trin. They’re moving and for the first time, you’re not going with them.”
Kim’s thumb circles around the back of Trini’s hand, drawing patterns in an annoyingly comforting way.
She stays quiet — stares at their joined hands in between them.
“I want you to know that whatever happens, I’m here for you, okay? You can always come to me when you want to talk, or… anything.”
With their hands entwined, the easing patterns being made on her skin and the heaviness of her words lingering behind, Trini feels like her heart is seconds away from exploding right then and there.
This Kim is the one she fell in love with. The one who’s too kind for her own good and does everything she can to uplift Trini’s mood when she’s feeling down; who was there to offer a shoulder to lean on without hesitation on the day she came out to her parents.
Trini glances up from the space between and finally looks at Kim, leaning in almost subconsciously.
She doesn’t fully comprehend what she’s doing until they’re actually kissing.
When she realises that Kim is kissing her back.
———————
Her lips taste of Kimberly the morning after when she wakes up. The feeling of lips pressed against her own lingering behind.
The empty space beside her — where someone obviously spent the night tossing and turning — does nothing but add to the vacant hole in her chest.
———————
It’s Kim’s turn to avoid Trini this time, and she can’t say she isn’t surprised.
They slept together and as usual, Trini is the one left behind to pick up the broken pieces. It’s her fault, so she doesn’t expect anything else. She’s the one who leaned in and kissed Kim; the one who misunderstood the entire ambience and took Kim’s friendly gesture the entire wrong way.
But still, that didn’t explain the fact that Kim kissed her back and willingly got into bed with her. As far as she can remember, there wasn’t any moment where she felt that maybe they should stop. The only thing she can clearly remember is hands desperately grabbing at her to pull her closer and the countless bite marks that were left behind for the morning after.
Trini’s confused, to say the least. Confused and wounded.
This is the last thing she wanted — to ruin the friendship she’d been secretly craving for years because she’s incapable of controlling herself or keeping her feelings under wraps, even after spending her entire childhood doing so. And now Kim’s refusing to speak to her, which makes it ten times worse.
She assumes that Kim must be staying at Tommy’s place until she figures out how she wants to handle this.
So, after a day of classes and a shift at work, the last thing she is expecting to see when she returns to her dorm is Kimberly is sitting on her bed, obviously waiting for her arrival.
She’s so shocked that her steps abruptly come to a halt and she feels her throat dry up at the sight.
“Kim.”
The name sounds so foreign to her now, after a week of not having the one person she can always rely on there to talk to.
“I… Hey.”
Kim stands up and gestures vaguely with her hands like she’s trying to wave, but it just comes across as awkward so she returns to letting her fingers tug at the hem of her shirt absentmindedly instead.
“Hey. Uh… Could we talk?”
Talking is never good.
“Sure,” Trini moves to the desk in the corner of the room to dump her backpack. “What’s up?”
The calm act comes naturally to Trini, even if she’s currently dying on the inside.
“It’s about the other night.”
And yeah, duh, Trini kind of figured that out the second she noticed how restless Kim is; tapping her feet against the ground and swaying in the spot.
She doesn’t think now’s an appropriate time to say something, so she waits for Kim to continue; for her to say her piece.
“I was wondering if we could maybe… forget about it? It’s just, I’m with Tommy and I don’t want him to find out I slept with…”
Trini thinks of multiple ways that Kim can finish that sentence, and each one is like a knife to the heart.
“It was a mistake and I don’t want it to ruin what him and I have. Is that okay…?”
That does nothing to rid of the already stabbing pain in her chest, only adds to it. After all they’ve been through, Kim can only think of her beloved boyfriend and their relationship. Doesn’t even spare a second thought to Trini’s feelings.
It hurts so much and then suddenly it’s too much. She can’t spend another day, week or year pretending that her feelings for Kim are strictly platonic when it’s the exact opposite.
“No, Kim. It’s not okay. I can’t just… forget about it like you can. How can I when it’s literally all I’ve ever wanted since I laid eyes on you in high school?” Trini narrows her eyes at the confession, but nonetheless continues. “It may be easy for you, but it’s not for me. Did you even consider how I might feel about you before you came here? Did I even cross your mind, or were you too busy worrying about Tommy?”
His name is spat out with utter venom and for the first time since meeting him, Trini’s showing her actual feelings towards the ponytailed boy.
“He doesn’t deserve you, Kim. You know that, don’t you? He jokes about me being gay at every chance he gets and he gives no consideration to your feelings. I really don’t know why you’re staying with him because we both know that he doesn’t love you, at least not in the same way I do.”
And there it is; the huge secret she’s been hiding for months now. It’s both relieving and distressing to know that it’s out there in the open.
“I love you, Kim, and I don’t want to just be your friend anymore. You’re amazing and beautiful and just so goddamn perfect that it physically hurts me to be around you somedays. Because I know that no matter what I do, we’re never going to be together.”
Trini finally stops talking and releases this heavy sigh she didn’t know she’d been holding in. She’s afraid to look at Kim — afraid to see the damage that her words have done.
When the silence goes on for too long, Trini starts to think that everything she just said has gone unheard.
“Am I wrong?” She says, already knowing the answer.
Kim doesn’t respond — probably doesn’t know what to say — and so Trini scoffs, shakes her head and goes to leave the room. If Kim isn’t going to give any type of acknowledgement to Trini basically pouring her heart out, she isn’t going to stick around.
She’d rather not stay, especially if it’s only going to lead to the emptiness in her chest expanding and swallowing her whole.