Work Text:
While Sugawara was in the middle of reviewing his college lecture notes, his mobile rang. He checked the screen, and immediately picked up, his voice pleasant in greeting, "Hey, Asahi. How are you?"
"Hi Suga. I hope I'm not disturbing you. I got huge news."
"Ah, what news is that? Are you going to university?" He smiled, “Finally!”
"Oh, yes! But that means I'll be leaving soon. I got accepted into an environmental conservation work degree program in Australia, and I get employed after I complete my studies. I could even choose to stay if things work out."
There was silence shared between them.
"Suga?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry Asahi, I spaced out for a second. I heard you. Congratulations! I had no idea you applied." Sugawara took pride in himself for knowing his teammates, especially Asahi. As happy as he was for him, there was a pang of irritation at having been blindsided by Asahi's news.
"It was something I did during one of those college fairs. I just did it for fun, then got interviewed on the spot for it. I had one more interview afterwards, remember? Around the time of Nationals?"
"Yeah you mentioned something like that." Sugawara felt stupid at having forgotten. "Cool then." He cleared his throat, "We should meet soon."
"How about tonight? Or are you too--"
"No, tonight is good." For Asahi, it's worth it to cram. He's lost sleep on course work anyway. Besides, soon he won't ever he able to do this with him.
"What do you want to eat? My treat." Sugawara offered.
They met at the restaurant the team went to after that first competition where they lost to Aoba Johsai. Sugawara was slightly late getting there, struggling with that aching feeling in his gut as the news sank in. He had to slap himself awake right before he left the house, muttering something about happy thoughts in between scolding himself for being conceited. He made sure to be extra cheerful when he greeted Asahi.
"Did you invite anyone else?" Asahi asked as Sugawara sat across him at the booth table.
"Oh, uh, no. I thought you would." Sugawara's tone was apologetic but in truth, he had kept the dinner invite to himself. For as long as he could get Asahi alone, he will.
"I didn't want to bother them." Asahi was sheepish.
"They wouldn't be bothered. Maybe you should organize that team reunion," Sugawara called for the menu. "You liked their grilled salmon and fried rice, right?"
"Salmon is expensive, are you sure?"
"Let me take care of you tonight." Sugawara waived a waiter over to take their order. He ordered a platter of mixed yakitori to share between the both of them, and Asahi's favorite grilled salmon and fried rice.
Asahi had started to babble about how excited he was, and what the program promised. Something about learning English and living by the beach while helping some organization with their conservation efforts.
Sugawara listened, zeroing in to Asahi's happy tone and mustering as much enthusiasm as he could from it.
"I always believed you could do it." Sugawara said with a smile that he hoped didn't look forced.
Their order arrived before they could say anything else. Sugawara chewed on his food quietly, and that was when Asahi noticed his uneasiness.
"Suga, something wrong?" He asked.
"No, none at all. I'm just hungrier than I thought."
Asahi didn't believe him, but he kept quiet. "Thanks for the salmon. You really didn't have to."
"But I want to, Asahi. You worked hard for this."
Asahi beamed at him, and Sugawara shifted his gaze back to his bowl of fried rice. He didn't notice that Asahi's face fell as he did.
After dinner, Sugawara offered to buy them both beers. Asahi declined, and they called it a night from there. Sugawara walked with Asahi up to his corner, a little to the left from the direction of his house.
Asahi seemed bothered on the way there. He glanced at him, wondering.
Asahi noticed and sighed, “I feel like you’re keeping something from me but you don’t want to talk about it so...” He shrugged, “I don’t know. I just hope that my good news doesn’t mean that you’d choose not to tell me if it’s something very serious.” He paused, “I’m worried, Suga.”
“There’s nothing to be worried about, Asahi. I’m just tired, I’ve lost sleep, there’s so much work to be done. This is... yeah, I’m not as energetic before. I really am happy for you.”
“I don’t know why I don't really believe you. I know I’m not the toughest guy in our circle of friends, but I’m your friend.”
“Yeah. You are.” Sugwara felt a lump in his throat. He balled up one hand and brought it up to his lips as he attempted to swallow it down, “We have been friends since first year and we will always be friends.”
The dam was cracking. Sugawara quickly looked down at his feet.
“Suga?” Asahi was alarmed, and he stepped up to Sugawara, reaching out to him. His fingers brushed his shoulder, which made Sugawara jerk away. He stepped ahead of him and turned to look at Asahi.
“Azumane, please, don’t.” Sugawara’s voice was soft, “It hurts when you do that.”
“Hurts?” Asahi was confused, “Do you have an injury--”
“No.”
“Tell me what’s wrong, Suga. I don’t like seeing you like this.” Asahi’s voice turned distressed.
Sugawara rubbed his eyes furiously.
“We have always been friends,” He said softly, and felt his voice tremble, “I have always looked out for you. I hoped, and rooted for you, but I never dared expect...though I wanted... wanted...” He couldn’t continue, “Goodnight, Azumane. I hope to see you before you leave for Australia.”
He hoped his feet were as fast as his heartbeat as he got the hell out of there and back home. At home, he went straight up to his room and slammed the door behind him.
He never said anything because at least he would never have to expect an answer or hope that his feelings for that boy would ever be reciprocated. Now that it’s out there, Sugawara didn’t know how to deal. He doesn’t know what Asahi would say or how he'd react, knowing what he knows now.
In the comfort of his tiny room, Sugawara sank down to the floor with his back against his door. He pulled his knees up to his chin, and allowed himself to cry.
Sugawara felt out of it in class the following day. He missed one assignment deadline, but he didn’t even feel half as bad about it. He took a mini-nap in the library, and while that helped keep his eyes open for the remainder of the day, he felt like his heart was gutted out.
When he returned home that day, he messaged Shimizu and Yui on their LINE group, “Asahi’s leaving Japan. And I told him my true feelings. We haven’t talked since.”
Yui put in a sad kamoji. Shimizu sent a hug sticker.
“Miss you girls.” Sugawara typed.
“Stay strong, Suga.” Yui posted, “And Daichi wants you to know that he loves you.”
Sugawara smiled. Yui’s very lucky. All she needed was the courage to admit her feelings to Daichi, and he returned her affections. Suga had to barrel through coming forward then surviving the worst should word of his inclinations get out.
He had tried dating Shimizu in high school in an attempt to see if it was simply some phase. But while he adored Shimizu, and got a close friend out of it, he was let down to discover that he really liked men.
Worse, he was in love with one.
He put away his phone, and walked over to his desk. As he did, the doorbell rang. Sugawara ignored it, thinking it was probably a salesman or someone visiting his parents. But moments later, he was surprised to hear a knock on his door.
“Koushi, Asahi is here.” His Mother called from behind the door.
Sugawara stilled.
“Ah, let him... let him in. Thanks Mom.”
He heard his Mom step away as the door slowly opened. Sugawara didn’t dare look at Asahi from his desk, and kept his back to him.
“Suga... H-hi.” Asahi greeted softly.
“Hello.” Sugawara replied.
“How...are you?”
Suga took a deep breath, and couldn’t find the words to answer him.
“I was worried, but I didn’t want to stress you out even more. But guess that’s kind of stupid because I’m here.” Asahi laughed, sheepish.
Sugawara smiled sadly to himself at how there was a part of him that knew that he’d do this, and how he guessed at what would happen next.
“We're still friends, Azumane."
“I am glad. And I wish I could return your feelings. It hurts, knowing that what you’re feeling now is all my fault. And what you want from me...” Asahi's voice trailed.
“I know. We’re adults and we have to learn to deal with things like that, don’t we?”
A silence passed.
Then he felt Asahi walk over to him.
“I leave in two weeks, and I don’t want things to be this awkward between us. So I kind of have an idea...”
“Please don’t ask me to fuck you, Azumane.” Sugawara immediately said.
“What? Suga!” Asahi sounded scandalized, “I would never! I haven't even been kissed!"
Then what? Sugawara turned to look at him. Asahi was blushing furiously.
“I just want to hold you, Suga.” Upon seeing the bewilderment and confusion on his face, he continued, “You are my closest friend and I love you enough to want to hold you because you need it. And no matter who I’ll be with in the future, I can give you that, and I can give it now. I’m just sorry I can’t give you more.”
Sugawara could feel something in him fall. He imagined himself as waves rushing towards rocky cliffs, and crashing right into the rocks, falling back into the sea but gathering themselves up for another go.
He slowly reached for Asahi, pressing himself against his stomach as he wrapped his arms around his waist. Asahi stiffened up, then very slowly exhaled. His large hand rested on Sugawa’s head, gently running his hands through his ashen locks. Sugawara could barely breathe.
“Can we...” Sugawara whispered. “Can we lie down?”
Asahi paused. “Yeah, we can do that.”
Sugawara gave a nod.
He stood up, and went over to his futon on the other side of the room. He dusted it off quickly, then stretched himself out to lay down. Asahi followed, cautious, and settled down next to him.
They were quiet. Sugawara took it as a good sign that Asahi didn’t flinch or fluster just yet. He slid his hand over his, entwining their fingers together.
And that was it.
If it were any other man, Sugawara would have already initiated something to take it to another level. Maybe they’d kiss, or touch. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that to the man he had loved for years.
“Tell me more about Australia.” Sugawara whispered.
He listened as Asahi’s voice perked up as he launched into what he has read and heard about the Gold Coast. As their chatter shifted from Australia to musings about high school and their hopes, fears, and dreams for the future, Sugawara shifted into Asahi’s arms. Asahi did not object, wrapping one arm around him in response.
He can take this-- it is his. There will be other guys, Sugawara knows, but right now he has Asahi.
They stayed that way until it was time for Asahi to go at around two in the morning.
When they part for the night, they will have a friendlier and less intimate hug – a quick one, similar to the ones they share with their teammates after losing a close match. Sugawara will watch him leave, his heart heavy. They will try to meet up, and they manage one more quick coffee alone together where Sugawara will listen as Asahi talks about how busy he is and how much he’ll miss everyone.
They have that team reunion on the night before Asahi leaves, where they’ll remember the good old days and exchange gossip about the people they knew from the volleyball club world.
There will be no time or chance for a lingering hug, not with everyone else watching, even if Daichi, Yui, and Shimizu try to make that moment for them. It just doesn’t work that way.
Asahi and Sugawara will not have a night like that one, nor will it even progress to even a second of Sugawara’s wildest dreams, but that will be alright.
For both of them, that was as good as it got.