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Chapter Text

"Medvedeva."

I knew it was common in Japanese culture to call even friends by their last names, but right now, the way he said my family name just added to the desolate feeling that was seeping into my body like cold, hard ice. I furiously brushed my face dry, trying to hide the tear stains from my private sobbing session behind the curtains backstage.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be celebrating?"

"It didn't feel right without you there."

I looked at him. "Why?"

"You're the silver medalist. Of course you should be there."

I was loath to realize I had been hoping it was because he missed me, for me, not because of the status I had achieved--or hadn't achieved, in this case.

"Second place means nothing."

"Don't say that."

"You couldn't possibly understand."

He stared back at me, silent. I never knew if he was quiet because he didn't know how to express what he was thinking in English or if he just didn't have a response.

"I've gotten silver before," he finally said quietly.

I squatted down on the floor, angrily stuffing my bag with my things. "This is the Olympics. The whole world was watching. You know you wouldn't have settled for anything less than gold here, either." I looked up from my packing to see that he'd dropped his eyes, and I knew I'd won that argument. Yuzuru Hanyu was king of the Olympics because he wanted it more than anyone else. I thought I had wanted it more than anyone else, too--to be queen--but it hadn't been enough. I felt cheated, shoved aside, disrespected.

"Everything is always so easy for you," I lashed out at him. Why, I don't know. He'd been nothing but sweet to me this season.

He looked up, eyebrows furrowed, and then something flickered across his face. It was that look that always made me in awe of him when I watched him on the ice. There was the sweet, shy, goofy Yuzuru Hanyu who carried a Pooh tissue box with him, the boy whose eyes nearly disappeared when he laughed, who smiled and nodded and said all the right things to the media, to his coaches, to his friends. And then there was that other Yuzuru Hanyu who I'd only seen on the ice, the man with fire in his veins, bold and confident, passionate and driven--the one who won hearts just as easily as he won championships. The juxtaposition between the two was what had drawn me to him in the first place, years ago, before I'd met him and realized the ice was the only thing that could flip the switch and trigger the appearance of THAT Yuzuru. But all of a sudden, it was THAT Yuzuru that was standing in front of me right now. Chills rippled through me, the same way they did when I would watch him find his place on the ice and transform right before the music began.

Then, suddenly, he reached down and grabbed my wrist, yanking me up to face him. My jaw dropped at the same time as my stomach. I'd never seen him like this up close, and it was making my heart pound weirdly in my chest.

"Really, Evgenia? It's always easy?" his voice was low and controlled, but I could tell he was mad.

This time it was my gaze that fell to the floor, and that's when I saw his ankle, wrapped with a huge ice bandage. I gritted my teeth. No, it hadn't been easy for him to spend months off the ice healing from an injury that had come at the worst possible time. It hadn't been easy for him to deal with the press, and the fans, and the expectations of an entire country. It hadn't been easy living up to the pressure and hype of back-to-back golds, a feat that no one had achieved in the last 60 years. It hadn't been easy to skate like that, doing things like that, with pain ripping through your body, or with your senses numbed by medication. I knew pain from injury. But now all I knew was the pain in my heart. And it was that pain that broke through my moment of starstruck silence.

"So maybe it's not always easy. But at least you always get what you want."

He released his hold on my wrist and stepped back. I looked up, and I was surprised again to see the look in his eyes as they met mine. They weren't flashing with fire anymore--they were soft, and deep and boring into my soul.

"I don't always get what I want, Zhenya."

The way he said my name made me catch my breath, rendering me speechless again. He looked at me for a long second.

"What do you mean?" I finally found my voice, although it was small and quiet.

He looked away and it almost looked like he was nodding to reassure himself. I'd seen him do that before, and had guessed it was when he was trying to hide his true feelings. What was he feeling right now? And why didn't he want me to know?

And then his answer came softly. "Maybe one day you'll understand."

Chapter Text

It was months later before I saw him again. We'd parted in a friendly way, like we always did, after the Olympics, snapping a few selfies and wishing each other a speedy recovery during the off-season, knowing we'd both withdraw from Worlds. He'd texted me a couple of things in the days that had followed, but then, after Worlds was done, radio silence. It was fine. He had his ice shows to plan and his regimen to get back to, and I had... some decisions to make.

I remember my fingers shaking a bit when I had timidly typed the message to him, breaking the silence to ask the question I didn't even know if I wanted the answer to. It was a simple message. I didn't have to explain the weight of what I was asking to him. I knew he'd know.

"Should I change to Orser?"

The minutes that followed seemed like hours. And then, the reply came.

"Yes."

I cried.

And now I was standing here for the first time, in front of the rink where he trained. The rink where I trained, now, apparently. I was in Canada. Not Russia. I was with Orser. Not Eteri. My entire world had flipped upside down. But that's what I had wanted--no. That's what I had needed.

"Second place means nothing." Those had been my words to Yuzuru when he'd found me crying off the ice, what seemed like so long ago. But now, that second place had changed everything.

I was halfway through the walkthrough of the facility with Brian when I saw him coming out of the weight room. He didn't see me at first, head down as he rubbed his sweat-drenched hair with a towel, coming towards us down the hallway.

"Ah, there's Yuzuru now," Brian said, and he must have heard his name, because just then he looked up, and his eyes immediately locked on me. I had actually thought through this moment already, having rehearsed a nice "good-to-see-you-again, looking-forward-to-training-with-you-here," speech in my head, but seeing him now, the words were completely gone. Maybe it was the jetlag. Yes, it must have been the jetlag. Surely I was over my starstruck phase, wasn't I? Why did it feel so different seeing him here?

Brian had stopped us in front of him and his eyes were still riveted on me. It was almost like he was a little stunned, but that was strange. He'd known I was coming. He'd told me to come.

"Evgenia."

There it was again, that way he said my name making my stomach flip-flop a bit. If I had been struggling to find words before, they were basically impossible to muster now.

Brian chuckled. "Why don't you welcome our newest athlete, Yuzu? You two are friends already, aren't you?"

I smiled a little--we were friends. Sometimes we went for months without seeing each other or talking to each other, but whenever we were back together, it was like no time had passed at all. Even when I'd been afraid of him at first, he'd always made me feel at ease. Even after the tense moment we'd had at the Olympics, he'd made everything better quickly. The decision to come here had been monumentally difficult, but knowing Yuzu would be here had given me something to look forward to. He would make everything better here, too, wouldn't he?

I looked back at Yuzuru--why wasn't he saying anything? Finally he cleared his throat, and glanced at Brian quickly before looking back at me. "She's my competition now."

The smile melted off my face, his serious tone unnerving me. I hadn't expected that. Competition? What did he mean? Not for medals, of course. And Brian and Tracy had always had plenty of other athletes -- they knew how to divide their time. I didn't have time to figure it out; Brian was talking again.

"Then I trust you two will encourage each other to grow," he said matter-of-factly. He started walking again, pointing out the features of the workout facility, and I followed him. I did my best to listen to him, but I couldn't help but glance back over my shoulder at Yuzu--only to find that he'd turned to watch us go, too. Brian's words faded out of my ears, and I let myself stare at him. Competition? I'd felt a little pushed away by those words at first, but suddenly a hidden meaning dawned on me. He thought I was good enough to compete with. I smiled to myself, but I knew he could see. You want competition, Yuzuru Hanyu? I'll bring it if you will.

And then, the king of the ice gave me a single nod.

Chapter Text

I slammed my fists into the side of the rink and let out a growl of disgust. This wasn't working. It STILL wasn't working.

I gritted my teeth and squatted down on the ice, trying to clear the black cloud in my head. I'd been here two months, and I still wasn't getting it. They'd told me I'd have to go back to the basics to fix some of the bad habits I'd developed--I'd been ready for that. But I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be when every fiber in my body needed to be reconfigured after doing things wrong my entire life. I hadn't known the emotional struggle it would be to change the way I thought about music and choreography. I hadn't realized how much responsibility would fall on me, for everything. No one hounded me to practice, no one forced me onto a scale everyday, no one micro-managed my schedule--but the independence I had expected to feel like freedom was also the heaviest weight I had ever carried. It was up to me to succeed now, and no one else. I was no longer the product of a factory--I was BECOMING the machine.

And then there was one more thing I hadn't realized. How intimidating it would be to train alongside Yuzuru Hanyu. I had always admired his ability to be so focused and to achieve such amazing results, but now watching him perform so flawlessly day after day just exacerbated my frustration at my own deficiencies. I had thought I'd have a friend in him here, someone to help me through homesickness or difficult training sessions. After all, he'd gone through all of this himself, too, right? But he was too busy, too wrapped up in his own program. Of course I was, too. There was no time for fun jumping competitions, fun chats about our favorite songs or shows, or silly antics with other skaters like we had at exhibitions. It was just work, and work, and more work. We saw each other every day, but we barely spoke more than a hello or "see you tomorrow," to each other.

The other skaters were leaving the rink, and I looked up at the clock. Maybe they could leave, but I couldn't. There was too much more to work on today. Soon there were only two of us on the ice. He was always the first to get here and the last to leave. I'd tried staying longer and longer myself, hoping the extra amount of effort would give me the results I wanted, but lately it'd just left me more exhausted.

I slipped off the ice to get my bottle of water, and sat on the bench for a brief moment to catch my breath and try to concentrate on the advice Orser had given me about my flutz. It was my biggest flaw, but it was the thing I always left until the end of the day, when everyone was gone. I didn't want anyone to see... that. But I couldn't hide it from Yuzuru. He was always there. He saw everything. I was embarrassed and annoyed--either at him or myself, it didn't matter. Competition? I thought, mentally spitting out the words. What competition. I was nowhere near his level, especially now.

I stood up and headed back towards the ice just in time to see it. I wasn't the only one hiding something from the rest of the skaters. I knew what Yuzuru was working on, the way he'd stop mid-line when he'd see me walk through the doors in the morning and change what he was doing. There was only one thing he had his sights set on, and now he was going to try it. I could recognize it a mile away, even though I'd never actually seen him try it before. I held my breath, watching him build up speed. And then... he did it.

I dropped my water bottle, my jaw nearly hitting the floor as a chill ran up my spine. He did it. He landed a quad axel. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I saw him fist pump, and it felt like my heart was going to explode. How long had he been able to do that?

His head whipped around at the sound of my water bottle clanging on the ice. A split second later, a shower of ice hit me as he skidded to a stop in front of me.

"Did you see it?" he asked. He wasn't looking for a compliment, though. He was mad, his voice steely and low.

I was still frozen, my mouth hanging open in stunned, awed silence.

He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me a bit. "DID YOU?" he bellowed.

I'm sure he knew I had. I finally was able to nod.

"Don't say anything. To anyone," he hissed.

I shrugged off his grip, my voice coming back to me. "Why would I?"

"I know you talk to Misha."

A spark in me flared a bit. "Do you think I'm a spy or something?" I shot back at him. I tried to shove the feelings of bitterness that we were barely friends now back down my throat.

His eyes narrowed, but he refused to answer me. "No one can know."

"Calm down," I said. "You know I signed a contract to protect your privacy, right?" It wasn't just the fact that I'd been asked to remove photos of him from social media. I'd been asked to refrain from mentioning him practically at all, or else.

His eyebrow arched. "It's like that for everyone."

I rolled my eyes. "Not everyone, Yuzuru. You're special. You're the king."

"I'm not above anyone else. Especially not you."

I looked up at him quickly. Did I possibly still have some of his respect? But how could I? "Especially me. I'm a mess."

He shook his head. "You can't see it, but you're getting better."

I scoffed and looked away. "In my dreams."

"Prove me wrong, then."

My eyes shot back to his. They were softer now, with just a hint of a smirk playing on his lips. He raised his eyebrows again. It was a challenge.

"Prove me wrong, Evgenia. Right now."

Chapter Text

"Triple loop," he barked at me.

"You first."

"No. Just you."

I frowned, confused. This wasn't the jumping competition I was expecting.

He skated to the edge of the ice and returned a few seconds later with his tablet. "It's you against you this time." He was tapping away on the tablet, and then looked up at me expectantly. "Triple loop," he said it again.

I glared at him and then skated away from him, gearing up for the jump. At least I was good at this one. Landing it cleanly, I looked back to him.

"Okay, now what?" I was still trying to figure out what he was up to.

"Come here," he said, eyes locked on the tablet.

I rolled my eyes, but obeyed, moving across the ice toward him. "You know I haven't even been working on that one yet, right?"

"Yes, you have," he said. I looked over his shoulder from behind him. He was tapping away in his app, overlaying the jump I'd just done with one I'd done in competition. And then, he hit play.

My jaw dropped. My entry was faster, the jump was higher. It was better. "But..." I didn't even know what to say. I hadn't even been trying to improve that.

"I told you you were better," he said quietly. I looked up from the tablet to find his eyes meeting mine, and I suddenly realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd even stood this close to each other. He cleared his throat.

"Double axel."

My cheeks suddenly flamed, and I backed away from him. The double axel. My "pride-goeth-before-a-fall" jump from Rostelecom. He knew that, didn't he? I never knew if he was watching me during competitions, but him calling out that jump didn't seem like it could be a coincidence. Was he trying to teach me something? Don't worry, Yuzuru Hanyu. I've already learned my lesson on this one. I could feel my temperature rising, and I cut the ice hard with my skates as I went for the jump. Maybe I still had pride, but I had hours of practice behind this one to back it up. It was perfect.

"You're not doing a very good job at proving me wrong."

I skidded to a stop in front of him. What? I paused. Oh. I had forgotten what this was about. I had said I wasn't getting any better.

"So maybe I am better," I retorted, lifting my chin up. "With some things. But not everything. Not what I need to be better at."

"You needed to be better at everything," he said, and even though I knew he was right, his words still stung. Everything else didn't matter to me, though. There was just one thing that mattered to me. That monster hiding underneath my bed that wouldn't go away, the one that gave me nightmares, that kept crawling out and making everyone on the internet go crazy. The internet was out of my control. The judging was out of my control. But the jump...I was SUPPOSED to control. And I couldn't. It was driving me mad.

"Triple lutz."

"No," I shot back.

"You're afraid of it."

"No, I'm afraid of YOU," I blurted out, not thinking before the words tumbled out of my mouth. His eyes widened, and I felt a pang of guilt. Had that hurt him? But it was true in a way. Day after day, I had to practice in front of the greatest skater in the world, and day after day I failed embarrassingly in front of him. I'd come here for Orser, yes, but it was also true that I'd come here for Yuzuru. Not like... that. But because I'd wanted to practice around him, to watch how he learned, to be inspired by him, and yes, to have some of his golden fairy dust magically fall on me. But now, time was proving that rubbing shoulders with greatness wasn't going to make me great in return. And so now instead of feeling a sense of hope around him, I felt a sense of fear. That I would never find what would make me great. That as much as he told me I was getting better, that he really thought I was unfixable. That the better Yuzu got, the worse I would look by comparison. Look what Orser has done with Yuzuru, I could hear the internet saying. Why isn't it working with Evgenia? She must really not be as good as we thought. Her scores were inflated after all.

"Triple lutz," he repeated, almost coldly. I looked back at him to see that his look of surprise had turned into something like a scowl.

"Do it," he demanded.

Against my own will, I felt tears threatening and my throat closing up. I couldn't argue anymore. My eyes clouded over. I would do this. I would do this right. I skated blindly forward, then turned for the long backwards approach. I would get that outside edge if it was the last thing I did.

I forced it. It always felt wrong, but this time it felt terribly wrong. I sucked in my breath. I was falling, again. But I was falling hard. It was only a split-second, but all I could think was, "Don't fall wrong, don't fall wrong."

I fell wrong. Pain shot through me as I hit the rock-hard ice.

"Zhenya!"

The next thing I knew, Yuzu was down on the ice with me, lifting me a little and wrapping my limp body up in his arms. "What have I done?" I heard him say amidst an onslaught of Japanese words I didn't know. I cried out as his attempt to comfort me was hurting me more.

"It's not my legs," I said weakly. He turned me so I was leaning on his chest, and it was then I held up my hands. Both my palms were scraped and bleeding, but that wasn't the worst of it. At least one bone in my left wrist was out of place and it was already beginning to swell. I burst into tears.

I felt his hand touch the side of my face, and then he gently pulled my head into his chest as I cried. It'd been so long since he'd given me a hug, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. The pain momentarily subsided with my tears, as the only thing I could think about was the way he was holding me right then. My face grew warm as I realized how warm his arms were around me, and the feeling of his heart beating through his jacket was making mine pound. I knew I shouldn't be letting myself feel like this. But maybe, just for a minute... And then it was like we both came to, and he leaned back.

"We need to call someone," he said suddenly. "We need to take you to the hospital."

Of course. I numbly allowed him to pick me up off the ice and he placed his hands on my waist to steady me. "Can you skate?" he asked. I nodded.

He hurriedly fumbled for his phone once we got to the side of the rink. It appeared there was no answer, and in frustration he threw it into his bag, picking it up and slinging it over his shoulder. "We'll put ice first," he said, and put his arm around me as if to help me walk.

"I can walk," I said and then looked down at my feet. "Well, kind of." I was still wearing my boots.

His eyes widened again like he had forgotten and then, arm still around me, he shuffled me towards a bench and sat me down. If I hadn't been hurting so much, I think I would have smiled, seeing him this flustered. Somehow Worried Yuzu seemed more like Yuzu than any other Yuzu I'd seen lately.

And then, he tossed his bag next to me. I looked it and then back at him, and then, before I realized what was happening, he knelt down in front of me, and began unlacing my skates. I breathed in quickly, and almost protested, and then I didn't. I couldn't do it for myself anyway. I just looked down at his dark hair, and let him.

His fingers were fast, and soon he was pulling my boots off and finding the guards for my blades, neither of us saying anything. And then he found my shoes and was back in front of me again. The gesture was so sweet, so humble of him. Earlier today I wouldn't have guessed that he cared even the slightest about me anymore, and now he was taking care of me like this? He tied the laces of my tennis shoes quietly at first, and then, he looked up at me. I think I might have stopped breathing for a moment. His dark brown eyes seemed bigger and deeper for some reason. I blinked. It was the just the perspective, right?

"Too tight?" he asked. I blinked again. "It's fine," I said quietly. "Thank you."

Moments later, we were in the little clinic room underneath the rink. Yuzuru was gathering supplies from around the room for me as I stood helpless.

"I should tell my mom what happened," I said. "She'll probably want to come to the hospital."

"Mmm," he nodded. He came over to me with some alcohol wipes and gauze.

"I left my phone upstairs though," I said.

"You can use mine," he said, and then he set everything down on the counter next to me. "Oh. I left it upstairs, too. Hmm. I'll go get it real fast. You're okay here?"

"Yeah," I said, and then began to reach for the alcohol wipes.

"Don't do that!" he stopped me. "You don't know if your other hand is injured, too."

I bit my lip. It was hurting, but I wanted to believe it was okay.

"Just, wait for me," he said, sliding the stuff farther away. "I'll be right back." He went to the door and looked back as if to check on me to make sure I was obeying.

And then, his expression changed.

"What?" I asked, and then I saw what was wrong. His head whipped back towards the door and he yanked on the handle again.

"It's locked?" I said in disbelief.

Yuzu banged his head on the door and then let his shoulders slump. "I'm so stupid. All the office doors automatically lock after 8," he said through gritted teeth.

"But it's not--" I looked back at the clock on the wall. It was 8:02. It had locked after we'd gone inside.

"I can open it with my ID," he said. "But..."

"It's in your bag," I filled in his sentence. "With your phone." The reality that we might actually be trapped inside the clinic was starting to hit me, and I felt my blood pressure spiking. "What do we do?"

Yuzu pounded on the door and yelled for a minute straight and then switched to searching frantically around the room. "There's got to be some way to call out--intercom, something," he was saying. I slumped to the floor in front of the cabinets. Defeated, my eyes dropped to my hands. My wrist had almost doubled in size now.

"When does it unlock?" I asked.

"5," he said, and looked back at me. Seeing me on the floor, he finally stopped his futile search.

I closed my eyes. "What happens if this doesn't get set right away?"

He came back over to me. "It'll be fine for a few hours. You need ice, though." At least there was a freezer in the clinic, and he went to retrieve some ice packs. He came and sat down across from me on the floor and took my hand in his. I winced as he cleaned off the blood, the alcohol stinging the open wound.

My reaction didn't go unnoticed.

"This is all my fault," he said, and I could hear the remorse in his voice, even though his eyes stayed on his task. "I never should have pushed you. I thought--"

"It'll be ok, Yuzu," I softly interrupted him.

He looked up at me quickly.

"Will it, Zhenya?"

My pulse quickened. Why did he look like that, sound like that? Weren't we talking about my injury? "I've broken bones before," I attempted to sound matter-of-fact. "At least it's not my foot this time."

He was back to work, applying ointment and wrapping my palms with gauze first, then the ice pack on my swollen wrist, wrapping it all together in a neat package with an ACE bandage.

"You're good at this," I said.

He gave a little smile. "I've had a lot of injuries, too," he said. "I've always had to take care of the wraps myself."

I imagined how I would feel if I'd been stuck here alone, taking care of this on my own. I looked at him. "Thank you. For helping me."

He looked up at me again, his dark eyes searching mine for a second. Then he cleared his throat. "Well, it was my fault," he said, his tone suddenly changing. "It was the least I could do."

I blinked, disappointed. He sounded far away again. He was half-way to standing up when I caught his sleeve with my better hand. He froze and looked down.

"I told you not to use that hand," he reprimanded me.

I tugged on his sleeve, and his expression softened, and he sat back down next to me.

"We used to be friends, Yuzu."

His shoulders relaxed and he looked at me seriously. "We're still friends."

"Are we?"

"Of course we are."

"You barely talk to me."

"I'm talking to you now."

"But it's never like this. It's never like before."

He waited a long time, then drew in a deep breath, looking out across the room at nothing. "We're here to work, Zhenya. Not to have fun."

I frowned a little. Did he think I was some kid just playing around? I was here to accomplish my goal. "I know that. I'm working hard," I said defensively.

"I know you are," he said. "But what if we were the same as always, here?"

I bit my lip. I saw his point. There was always time to goof off on the road, but here, there really wasn't any time for that. I hadn't really meant I wanted that, but I wanted...something. I didn't know what I wanted.

"Neither of us need distractions when we're working," he said, continuing to avoid my eyes.

I nodded. "I get it," I said, leaning back against the cabinets and looking down. I felt like a child put in their place by an elder, and it hurt a little. I cast a sidelong glance in his direction. He was looking down, too, his eyes clouded over. I could feel the divide between us widening again, and the words spilled out again before I could stop them.

"I just missed you."

My stomach turned inside out as soon as I said it, fear of his reaction rippling through me. But then I saw something flicker in his eyes, and he looked towards me. His expression was indecipherable to me, and this moment seemed to be taking forever. And then I heard him say something, more to himself than to me.

"We're not working right now."

The next instant, he had wrapped me up in the tightest hug imaginable, in a way that made it hard to breathe in more ways than one, and all I could think was how beautiful a distraction this was.

"I missed you, too."

Chapter Text

I willed time to slow down as his words seeped into me. He missed me. I closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in this feeling--the feeling of his chest rising as he breathed. The grip of his fingers on my back that was both firm and tender at the same time. The softness of his cheek as it brushed against my hair. The pressure of his muscles as his arms drew me in even tighter. We hadn't been close in so long, and now this was closer than we'd ever been. It was overwhelming, and I couldn't make sense of why this was happening, and why it was making me feel this way. In the last few months, we'd gone from being friends to being strangers, and the distance had frustrated me and even angered me at times. Why the separation, I still didn't know, but I kept repeating his words over and over in my mind. "I missed you, too." Had he been missing me the whole time, and I just hadn't known? That thought made my head swim even more than the fact that time was moving, and he still wasn't letting go of me. Forget that I'd just broken my wrist and we were going to be trapped in the basement of the rink for hours--nothing else mattered right now as long as Yuzuru Hanyu still cared about me.

I instantly tried to brush that dangerous thought away. This was just a hug, the hug of just a couple of friends meeting again after a long time of confusion and change. A really... long... wonderful .. hug.

And then I could feel his skin brushing against my face again.

"Zhenya," he whispered in my ear, and I thought I might die from how sweet he said my name.

He was pulling away now, and I wanted to cling to him but knew I couldn't. I didn't want this moment to end, aware that the likelihood of it happening again was very small.

"Are you really afraid of me now?"

My heart ached. I had hurt him with those words. "Not now," I said.

He let out a breath like he'd been holding it and closed his eyes briefly. Then he opened them and gazed into mine for a long moment, not saying anything. My heartbeat quickened when I saw his gaze drop to my lips. Was he going to--? But it was just an infinitesimal look, and then he looked at the floor. "I know I've been pushing you away. I didn't know what else to do."

What else to do about what? I wondered. I thought back to the ice shows earlier this summer when there had been a couple of stupid media comments. Had he pushed me away because of that? That wasn't like Yuzu. He never cared about what the internet was saying--that was something I'd always admired about him, too. So what was it?

Suddenly his words from just a few seconds before flashed back through my mind. "Neither of us need distractions when we're working." Was that it?

"Am I... distracting to you?" I blurted out, and then bit my lip when I realized how it sounded.

He looked at me quickly, and then let his eyes drift across me. I could feel myself blushing. He'd never looked at me like that before. "Yes," he said seriously. "Extremely distracting."

My mouth went dry. What was he saying?

And then, he guffawed and leaned back against the cabinets, his eyes disappearing in his laugh. "You should have seen your face."

I fumed. How dare he think this was amusing? "I would punch you if my wrist wasn't freaking broken."

He sobered.

"--Which is YOUR fault, by the way." I wasn't going to put the blame on him, before, but now... he had to pay for making me fall for that.

"Zhenya," he said, his voice serious again, and I hated how him saying my name made me want to immediately forgive him.

I glared at him, though. "So what is your explanation, then?"

"It's...complicated," he said, and the way he said it made me feel like something was pinching my heart.

"I... didn't want to be a distraction... to you."

At that, I scoffed loudly and rolled my eyes in annoyance of his apparent arrogance. But my insides were quivering a bit. Was it that obvious? How distracted I was by his skills, his presence, his aura--him?

"You need to concentrate on yourself 100% right now," he said. "The beginning is the hardest here. I had my chance to have my space, to get my focus. You need that, too. I couldn't get in the way."

I blinked. So he'd been doing this... for me?

"But when you said you were afraid of me..." his voice trailed off. "I didn't want to hurt you." He paused, and then his hand reached up and brushed a wisp of my hair back gently. Butterflies involuntarily flitted through my stomach. "I didn't--I don't... want to lose you."

Lose me? I stared at him for a second, and then tried to shrug it off. "I'm not falling for that serious nonsense again," I said, trying to cross my arms and then realizing I couldn't because of the bandage.

"I am being serious," he said, but he was trying and failing to suppress a smile at my failed attempt and I couldn't believe him.

"Should I remind you again that this is your fault?" I snapped, but I wasn't angry. Something about the way we were talking now made everything feel okay again.

He suddenly clapped his hands together and shifted to his knees, bowing in front of me. "Moushiwake gozaimasen deshita!" he said. "I accept all responsibility and forms of punishment."

I sat up straighter, prouder. If I wasn't mistaken, that was one of the most formal apologies one could receive.

"Please allow Medo-chan to tell Hanyu-kun how he can make it up to her," he said, still bowing.

"Be my friend, Yuzu-kun."

He sat up and looked at me.

"Don't leave me alone to figure this out. Can you just...stay by my side?"

"I'll always be by your side, Zhenya. Even if it looks like I'm not, I'll always be there."

There was no teasing in his voice, just sincerity in his eyes, and my heart swelled with hope in him again.

"Ano... especially tonight I'll be here," he said, nodding to himself. "Since we're... stuck here."

I laughed--we laughed. It felt... good.

He leaned back up against the cabinets again. "How badly does your wrist hurt?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I haven't been thinking about it. Up til now, I've been... distracted."

He grinned. "I told you I have that effect."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes.

"It's because I'm the greatest."

"Okay, fine. Can we talk about the fact that you have a quad axel?"

His chest swelled with pride. "I got it last week. It's not consistent yet, but---"

"But it's a quad axel."

"It's a quad axel," he smiled. He was unbelievably happy about it, I could tell. "I know some of the juniors are working on it," he said... and then we slipped into talking about skaters, and the new rules, and everything, and nothing, and it was wonderful, being like this again.

Tiredness eventually threatened to overtake me. "What time is it?" I said through a yawn.

He uncurled his long legs from his position on the floor and stood up to check the clock. "Midnight," he said.

"My mom must be so worried that I'm not home," I said.

"Mine, too," he said. "Do you want to try to sleep?" he asked softly.

"Mmm," I nodded. He flicked off the overhead light, leaving just the undercabinet lighting on to illuminate his way back to me.

"Maybe there's a blanket," he murmured, and I vaguely heard him rummaging through a couple of drawers. Sleep was coming fast now--I couldn't keep my eyes open...

Snap.

Light flooded the room, and I squinted in the brightness, lifting my head only to realize it'd been on Yuzu's shoulder. Was that his arm around me? I couldn't tell--there was a blanket over us.

And then a voice broke through the sleepy fog in my head.

"What's going on here?"

Chapter Text

Yuzu scrambled to his feet. "Brian."

"It's 3 a.m.," Brian stated, looking back and forth between the two of us. The way he was evaluating us made me squirm a bit.

Yuzu pulled the blanket off of me quickly, leaving me feeling unexpectedly cold. "It's Evgenia. She fell. We came down here and got locked in."

The man's eyes widened at the revelation of my bandaged wrist. "I thought something might have happened. Both your mothers have been calling me in a panic. We had no idea you guys were down here. How bad is it?"

"I think it's broken," I finally spoke.

"Maybe sprained the other," Yuzu added. He leaned down and helped me to my feet.

"How did it happen?"

I looked at Yuzu to see he had paled at Orser's question. There was an awkward silence, and Brian's eyes were darting back and forth between us again. "It was the lutz," I answered before Yuzu could take the blame.

Brian's eyes squinted, but he looked at Yuzu instead of me. "I'll take her to urgent care," he said.

"I'll come," Yuzu said. He'll come? I flashed back through the last few hours--Yuzu holding me so comfortingly on the ice as I cried, taking off my skates so willingly, wrapping my wrist so tenderly, hugging me like that so closely--and wondered if it had all been real. It must have been. He still wanted to take care of me.

"You go to bed," Brian shook his head. "There's nothing you can do there."

Yuzu opened his mouth to protest and then he looked down at me. I nodded at him to reassure him it would be fine, but he frowned. "I'll come," he insisted. Yuzu's expression was steadfast, almost a little defiant.

Brian stepped forward. "Yuzuru." His voice was firm. I blinked, watching the exchange between the two of them. Up til now I had only observed an easy, comfortable spirit during their interactions, only natural between a coach and skater with years of work together and a profound mutual respect for each other. But this was... a little tense. I wavered between feeling proud that he was being stubborn over me and feeling guilty that he was almost challenging Brian's authority over it.

"I'll text you," Brian said, and motioned to me to come with him. Yuzu finally nodded and then looked at me. I gave him a smile.

"Thanks again for this," I said and waved my arm at him. He nodded again at me, and then we were out the door.

---

It was three days later before I stepped back into TCC, the cast around my arm my trophy from the events that had happened that night. I found my eyes searching for him in the group of skaters that were practicing out on the ice. My search didn't take long--it wasn't difficult to pick out his long, lean form moving faster than all the others around him. Today he wore all black, a short-sleeve athletic shirt and narrow track pants, and his hair was off his forehead, admittedly my favorite style of his. He was deep in concentration, going over his program, no doubt, and I could almost see his brain working as he listened intently to the music through his earphones. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen him for a few days, I don't know. But standing there on the edge of the rink, I couldn't fight the starstruck feeling washing over me. Everything about him was incredible. If watching him glide across the ice wasn't awe-inspiring enough, just then he launched a quad toe and landed it like it was nothing. I shook my head, laughing to myself. How was he this good?

I settled myself onto the bench and began the now-arduous task of lacing up my skates with only my left hand, which was only strained and already felt mostly fine. But it took twice as long as normal, if not longer, to put on my skates now. Even removing my jacket was a struggle. But then, finally, I stepped out on the ice, the refreshing cool air welcoming me like an old friend.

I saw stares from the younger skaters as I made my way out onto the ice, a few gasping and pointing at my cast, but none of them approached me. Yuzu still hadn't seen me, so I decided that I would just...make him notice.

His head was down as I swept around him in a large circle. Still no look in my direction. A spin was also ignored. I tilted my head in annoyance. This boy was seriously engrossed in his music. Okay, then. A jump.

He stopped in the middle of the ice as I landed a triple salchow.

"Baka."

"Thanks for the welcome back." I would never have admitted it to him, but my heart had jumped into my throat for a second when I'd left the ice for the sal just now. The cast felt heavier than I'd imagined, and just that little bit of difference had thrown off my center of gravity. I'd been lucky to land it.

"What if you fall again with that?" He jutted out his chin at my wrist.

"I'll have you know I've competed in a cast before. I'll be fine."

"Mm," he nodded, and I was a little disappointed, hoping the banter would continue. In fact, I'd hoped it would have never stopped from before. That night had been so nice, and easy, and I'd thought things would be fine from now on. But he hadn't texted to see how I was doing at all the last three days. There'd be nothing, just like before.

I decided to leave it alone--I had a lot of work to make up from my absence. I slipped in my own earphones and turned my music on, sailing away to a clear area of the ice to work on choreography. Quickly getting caught up in my own music, my heart jumped once more when my first spin was interrupted unexpectedly with a hand on my arm that slowed my rotation---and essentially spun me into Yuzu's arms.

I don't know what caught me off guard more, the fact that he'd followed me over here or the fact that I was so close to him that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, mere inches away from him, out here in front of everyone.

Hands on my shoulders, he pushed me slightly away from him and I could breathe again. "You promise you're actually okay?" he asked seriously. I couldn't help but smile. The sweetness was still there.

"I feel a little off," I confessed. "But I'm okay. I promise."

"Mm," he nodded again, and this time a smile appeared. And then, he was gone.

Hours later, I had to stop, my wrist aching badly. I should check in with Brian, I knew. I headed up to his office, but I stopped in my tracks outside his door. I could hear him talking inside to someone--and I knew that voice, too.

"We talked about this, Yuzuru."

"Nothing has changed."

"She's 18."

I caught my breath. Were they talking about...me?

"I know how old she is."

I heard Brian sigh. But it was Yuzu who spoke again.

"I told you it wouldn't be a problem. I explained it before. We're just friends."

I swallowed, hard. We're just friends. His words thudded in my ears and suddenly everything else sounded hollow and far away. My throat tightened, and I couldn't make out the rest of their conversation as my thoughts swirled like a Russian snowstorm in my head. I knew it wasn't the first time Yuzu had denied there was anything between us--but that had been to the press, and I'd always told myself that of course he would have wanted to keep his private life private. But this was his coach--no, Brian was even more than a coach to Yuzu, something more like a father. Yuzu would have no reason to hide something like this from him. And--they'd talked about me before? My cheeks flamed at the realization, but even more so when I remembered the comment about my age. Was I really just a child to them? With Eteri, I was one of the old ones. But here--I was just a girl.

"Just... be careful," I heard Brian say, and my pulse raced as I realized they were finished. Yuzu would be leaving, and I was here... I couldn't be here. But there was no place to go where I couldn't be seen. I heard footsteps, and with a quick decision, I backed myself into the wall next to the door and hoped he'd walk past me.

He did. I watched him walk down the hallway, and my gaze started at the top of his dark head and wandered down the line of his slender neck, across his shoulders and all the way down his back to his perfectly long legs. I'd never known it was possible to look at someone and feel physical pain. It was like I'd been stabbed in the stomach. We're just friends, I heard the words again.

But I love you.

It was the first time I'd ever let myself think the words. The cruel reality shot through me, dropping me to my knees. I couldn't even cry. How could I have let this happen?

Just then Yuzu stopped, and so did my breathing. But he just ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his head for a moment. And then he walked on, down the long corridor and finally around the corner and out of my sight. It was then that the tears came.

"Zhenya?"

I sprang to my feet, brushing tears away. It was Gabrielle, another skater from the Club.

"Are you all right?"

She was sweet, but I didn't know her well enough to answer her honestly. But first, I had to look back to see if Brian could hear. No, Yuzu had let the door shut behind him.

"I'm okay. Just a hard day to come back."

"Because of the Instagram photo?" she asked.

What Instagram photo? I tried to conceal my ignorance. "Uh, well...."

"I'm sure it'll blow over soon enough," she said. "Don't let it upset you too much."

I nodded, even though I was still completely bewildered by her comments. She patted me encouragingly and then knocked on Orser's door. The moment she was inside, I went for my phone. As much as I knew how to avoid content about me on the internet, I knew how to find it just as easily.

It wasn't just one Instagram photo. It was three.

Chapter Text

Shot one. Yuzuru Hanyu's arms around me on the ice.
Shot two. Yuzuru Hanyu holding my shoulders.
Shot three. Yuzuru Hanyu staring at me, with me looking down shyly and smiling.

I wanted to die.

And then I wanted to look at the pictures again. No, I wanted to die. I clicked off the screen and ran as fast as I could down the hallway to the ladies room and then rushed into a stall. I slumped on the floor in front of the toilet and turned on my phone again. How had this happened? I had to know.

The photos had been shared and re-shared a hundred times already, and my eyes caught comments, but I refused to read them right now. Finally I found the original poster. Who was this chick and how had she gotten into the club? They had strict rules about privacy here, I knew. I scrolled through the girl's profile quickly. Oh, that's how. She was an intern at a news agency--well, she wouldn't be for long, I thought sadly. I clicked over to the agency page--they had a new Instastory. I sighed as I tapped through it. They had been here today to do a story on Jason Brown. And yet, Yuzu and I had become the story. At least in the mind of the internet.

I looked back at the photos, finally, and let myself stare at them indulgently for a moment. Had we really been that close this morning? Did we really look like that together? Had he really stared at me that way? I shook my head. Those pictures had captured a moment that was only a fraction of a section in real life and made it look like it was something more.

"Look at the way he's holding her."

"My ship is sailing again!"

"You can't tell me these two aren't in love."

I clicked off the phone, closing my eyes, trying to forget the comments. Yes, I can tell you that. We're just friends. And then I scoffed inwardly. Who was I kidding? Could we even be friends like before after this? I knew how important privacy was to Yuzu, and I knew how much he hated drama. And here I was at the center of the things he hated most.

Just then my phone buzzed in my hand, and I nearly dropped it, startled. I looked at it and nearly dropped it again. Yuzu-kun. He'd put the name and number in himself, years ago. Back when things weren't complicated and no one was shipping us.

My phone buzzed again insistently and fear rippled through me. What was he calling to say? That we needed to keep our distance? That we had to be aware of how things might look? Or worse? And then something else rushed through me. Anger. This wasn't fair. This wasn't my fault. He'd been the one holding me like that, looking at me like that, and yet somehow I was the problem and needed to be put in my place? Frustrated, I stood up and banged out of the stall, storming out of the bathroom into the hallway.

As quickly as I exited the bathroom, I skidded to a halt. He was right in front of me. Phone to his ear, he turned toward me, eyes widening in recognition. And then his eyes dropped to my hand.

My hand that was still holding my phone. Which was still buzzing. I wanted to die again. He was just staring at me, standing frozen with the phone still at his ear.

And then, he suddenly reached out and grabbed my shoulders again, turning me around in one swift motion and pushing me right back through the bathroom doors. The ladies' bathroom doors.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. He turned me to face him, but I glanced around him. The bathroom was empty, thank goodness. But who knew when the next person would walk in? After those photos, how could we handle someone walking in on us in a bathroom together? I closed my eyes, terrified of the thought.

"Zhenya," he spoke.

It was then that I finally looked at him. I finally looked at Yuzuru Hanyu, the boy I loved.

"We need to talk."

I knew what was coming. It was bad enough that I'd just learned he had zero feelings for me at the same time that I'd realized my own. To hear him tell me things had to change even more between us would be just like pouring salt on my open wound.

"I don't have anything to say to you," I said, and roughly pushed past him, out the door.


---


The door squeaked as I peeked through the opening to the rink. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was empty. Quiet. I'd basically been hiding around the club all afternoon, waiting for everyone to leave--waiting for him to leave--before going back to the ice. I was so far behind in practice, I couldn't afford to stay away entirely.

The late afternoon sun bathed the rink in a warm glow, and as I glided around the ice, warming up with soft, smooth curves, I thought to myself how wonderful it was to skate in a place with natural light--so much different than my rink in Moscow. I breathed deeply, the sound of my blades carving the ice the only music I needed right now.

But then a shadow broke into the light, and I knew I wasn't alone. All the calm that had filled me from the moment before dissipated into the cool air around me and I felt my temperature rising. How could I want to be with someone so much and at the same time not want to be around him at all?

A second later, he was on my side of the rink, and I could feel him watching me closely. I refused to look over at him, continuing my warm up. I expected him to stop me, to tell me we needed to talk again. But he didn't. He just followed me silently, matching me stroke for stroke around the ice. The symmetry we made unnerved me.

We went on for minutes like that, slow and steady. I couldn't take it anymore. Without warning, I broke into one of Eteri's drills, racing down the length of the rink as fast as I could, as close to a run as possible on the ice. He paused for a moment and then took off after me. I touched the wall at the end of the ice before turning on my heel and sprinting in the opposite direction, keeping my head down as we crossed paths. Twice, three times, up and down the rink. Four times. I sensed him slowing down. Surely I wasn't tiring out the ice prince himself. I hit the wall and turned to see him standing in the middle of the rink, looking at me.

"Zhenya, stop."

I ignored his words and sped towards him, my pace no less than before. At the last second, I saw him step into my path. Was he going to try to physically stop me again? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I reacted quickly, halting abruptly, inches before I would have run into him.

We stood there for a second, both breathing hard. Then finally he spoke.

"I'm sorry, okay?"

I looked up at him, eyes narrow. "For touching me?" I couldn't disguise the bitterness in my voice.

"You know I didn't mean for it to look that way."

I know. That's why it hurts.

"So what exactly are you apologizing for, then?"

He blinked, and then opened his mouth but nothing came out. I rolled my eyes. All of that and he didn't actually have anything to say? I huffed and started to skate away.

He suddenly reached out and caught my "good" wrist to stop me, and I cried out a little in pain. He dropped my wrist immediately and looked away--I could tell he was angry at himself for hurting me. If he only knew.

"For everything. For pushing you away, for making you break your wrist, and now... this. It's a lot, sou desu ne? No wonder you hate me now," he said the last words as if almost to himself.

He thought I hated him? I suddenly considered his side for the first time. He had no idea I'd overheard him and Brian. For all he knew, I was mad at him for the photos. But that wasn't why I was mad at him at all. I was mad at him for---for---I closed my eyes. It wasn't fair of me to be mad at him for not liking me.

"I don't hate you," I said softly. I opposite of hate you. "The pictures were an accident. It's no one's fault."

He looked relieved briefly. And then he took a deep breath. "You know we have to be careful now."

There it was. The words I'd been dreading. My temper flared again.

"So you're going to stop being my friend because of the internet?"

My temper seemed to have sparked his.

"To hell with the internet. I don't even have SNS. You know that. I don't care what people on the internet think." He stopped, and I could tell he was struggling to find the words. "But I have... to respect..."

My heart beat fast and I opened my mouth without thinking again. "Brian?"

His eyes flashed and his brow furrowed, and I could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to work it out. I flushed, wondering what had possessed me to go down this path that would surely end in him knowing that I'd overheard the conversation. Well, it was too late now.

"Don't worry. I won't be a...problem," I said darkly, lifting my chin up. His face changed with the realization that I knew.

"Zhenya--" he said, stepping closer to me. I stepped back and he frowned, shaking his head.

"It doesn't have to be like this," he said.

What was he saying? There was no other way around this. Brian didn't want drama here, that was clear. And there was something about Yuzu and me that made the media and the fans go crazy. Because they can tell I'm actually in love with him, I thought to myself. They could tell before even I could. Why hadn't I considered that before? Either way. There was only one way to make it stop, one way to stop being a problem. I had to stop loving him.

"I made a promise to Brian, but I also made a promise to you."

I looked up at him quickly, a little bit of hope springing up in my heart, remembering what he'd said to me that night in the clinic.

"I said I would stay by your side," he said, and he closed the distance between us once more. This time, I didn't back away. "I meant that. I won't leave you alone," he said softly, and then he cleared his throat. "It just has to look that way."

Chapter Text

It just has to look that way.

"What does that mean?" I asked tentatively.

He had started to circle around me on the ice. "How do I say it?" he said quietly. "We'll only meet... in secret?"

My stomach did somersaults. What are you saying, Yuzuru Hanyu? Do you know how that sounds?

He saw my reaction and stopped the circling. "Everyone will calm down if we limit our interactions in front of them."

I frowned. "Up until three days ago, we weren't interacting anyway. We'll just go back to that."

He skated again, head down. "But I don't want that anymore."

A flashback to him holding me tightly in the clinic and telling me that he missed me replayed in my head, and a warm feeling started to spread over me. He'd said he didn't want to lose me. He'd promised he'd stay by my side. He really did mean that. But my brain kept fighting my heart.

"What about distractions?" I blurted, looking over my shoulder at him still circling around me. "You said you didn't want to distract me from my work."

He looked up. "I won't. We'll work together. Train together."

I looked over my other shoulder at him, eyebrows raised skeptically. "But you don't have a training partner anymore."

"Not during the day," he nodded, and then he swooshed to a stop in front of me and looked at me seriously. "But afterwards, it'll be you. I'll help you, and you'll help me. Right here, after everyone's gone."

I stared at him, unable to believe my ears. What he was describing sounded too good to be true. Secret or not, who wouldn't want to work one-on-one with the best skater in the world? It was basically what I'd always wanted and never thought was possible.

"You'd do that for me?"

"It's not just about you. I said you have to help me."

I scoffed a little. "Like you need my help with anything." I knew the balances would be tipped in my favor here.

"Don't underestimate yourself," he shook his head. He lifted his chin. "So what do you say, Medvedeva? Want to go along with my secret plan?"

"Psshhh... secret plan," I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help but smile a little.

His face broke in a grin. "You know you want to." His eyes were playful and... inviting. Although I hardly needed coaxing. I wanted this more than anything--to improve my skating, of course, I told myself. The being in love with him nonsense--I'd just have to figure that out later.

---

Stroking class, 10 a.m. I looked across the ice over at Yuzu, and then I forced myself to look away. He hadn't even looked in my direction, much less made eye contact with me, this morning when I'd walked in. Clearly he had meant it when he said our interactions would be limited--he should have used the word nonexistent, I thought to myself. Me, on the other hand? I couldn't stop looking at him every two minutes. Maybe the first thing I needed to learn from Yuzu was some self-discipline.

I stole another glance at him. To my surprise, this time he was looking back. I looked away fast, my heart rate quickening, but then temptation took over--so much for self-discipline--and I looked back again. He was still looking at me. And then, he winked at me. I thought I was going to die again. He looked completely amused by my expression, and the shame of it all was enough to keep my eyes riveted on the coaches in front of us, none of whom had seemed to notice, thankfully. I buckled down and kept my focus on my own training the rest of the day.

But then it was free practice, and it was Yuzu's time for the music, and I got completely distracted on the sidelines with how beautiful he was on the ice. His lines, his edges, his footwork--even if I wasn't in love with him as a person, who couldn't be in love with him as a skater?

"He's amazing, isn't he?" I heard a voice behind me say, and I turned to see Gabby again.

Flustered, I attempted to nod. "Yes, he's very inspiring."

"I hope what happened won't affect you two too much," she said quickly.

I felt a twinge in my stomach as I felt the dark-haired beauty's eyes analyzing me. Was she saying she hoped it wouldn't affect either of us? Or us together? Fear that everyone could see right through me crept over me.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," I said. "Like you said, it'll all blow over soon. I've got plenty of other things to worry about besides that." I waved my arm at her and attempted to laugh light-heartedly, but my nerves were already on edge. I quickly set down my water bottle and stepped back out onto the ice.

Focus, Zhenya, focus, I repeated to myself, as I started running through the section of my program Brian had worked with me on earlier today. But I felt rattled from my conversation with Gabby, and I fell hard on my first jump attempt. On the ice, I bit my lip. It was hard to get up with just one arm, and even that wrist was still painful. I pushed through the pain and lifted myself up. I tried the jump again. I fell again. My fear of people guessing my feelings for Yuzu was quickly overshadowed by the frustration I was having out here on the ice in front of everyone. Fixing things with Yuzu hadn't miraculously fixed any of the skating issues I'd been having since we got here, and now with my hurt arm and days of missed training, it was even worse. Another fall, and now tears were welling up in my eyes. After the fourth (and particularly bad) fall, a pair of familiar skates appeared in front of me.

As much as I wanted--no, needed--his help, I couldn't take it. Surely the coaches or Gabby or someone was watching. "Don't talk to me," I whispered, unwilling to look up. There was no movement, and I knew I had to insist. "Just leave me alone," I hissed through gritted teeth. The skates moved on.

I didn't see the skates or their owner for the rest of the day. The rink slowly emptied out like usual as time went on, but there was still no sign of him, and a sinking feeling made its way into my stomach. Everything was going wrong again.

After at least a half hour of being alone, I realized he wasn't coming. My heart ached inside. Today had been brutal, but the hope of seeing him at the end of the day had kept me going til now. But I'd offended him by blowing him off, hadn't I? I'd ruined the chance I had to train with him before it had even began. I sucked in my breath. Forget Yuzu. I had to keep working. So I plunged back into the jump training. Without eyes watching me like before, surely I'd be able to get them this time.

But I couldn't. My body failed me as I fell again and again, and picked myself up again and again. Another fall. I let out a yell of frustration and pounded the ice with my fist. My arm was throbbing and my backside was bruised, and I couldn't nail a single jump. I hated this.

Hate. The recognition of that emotion chilled me. I'd felt it often before, when I'd been so frustrated with Eteri and her negativity, her demands and her expectations. But she wasn't to blame for my failures today. I was. I stood up. I knew what I had to do.

Soon one of my EXO songs was playing over the speaker system through my phone. I closed my eyes and just let the song take me away. This was always what brought me back, whenever the difficulties of skating threatened to destroy my love for it. Whenever Eteri's oppressive control over every song, every hand placement and every turn on the ice would stifle me so much it felt like I couldn't breathe, I would take it back when I was alone, with my own music, with my own interpretation and feeling. I had to trust in the music to give me back my love once more.

The music filled me and I floated across the ice to the melody, letting my body do what felt right, fitting in all my favorite spins and steps. The tune was sad and the words spoke to me even though I didn't know what all of them meant, and somehow the frustration of the entire day came out through my body. I felt the pressure in my head releasing. Baby, don't cry, the words said. By the end of the song, I was down on the ice again, even though I hadn't fallen. I was crying.

And then I heard the familiar sound of blades on the ice, and I saw that familiar set of skates in front of me again. This time, there was the offer of a black gloved hand.

He pulled me up in front of him, and with his other hand he reached up and brushed tears off my cheek. I blushed a little, but I wasn't sure if it was from the fact that he had touched me again or that he had likely seen me skate with my heart out on the ice like that.

"Did you work everything out?"

I stared at him. Had he stayed away intentionally for me to sort through my problems? How had he known? "I... think... so," I stammered.

"Jump," he said.

I landed a triple toe loop, and a mixture of relief and hope flooded my heart.

He grinned at me proudly. "Now let's get to work."

---

It was dark before we finished.

"I accomplished more in these last two hours than I did all day today," I said with a laugh as we packed up our things on the benches. I was exhausted, but my heart felt lighter than it had in months.

"It's always been like that for me, too," he said, and I looked over at him to see him smiling at me. "I'm happy you made progress today."

I suddenly flushed. It had been easy when we were working so hard to forget how I felt about him, but now---When you smile, sun shines. That smile was going to be the end of me. "Thanks to you," I said and looked down quickly, pretending to sort some things in my bag. To my horror, at that moment, my stomach growled, loudly. I'd been so upset earlier, I'd completely forgotten to eat.

Yuzu busted out laughing. "Hungry or something?"

I glared at him, embarrassed. "Or something."

"Let's go get you food," he said, grabbing my bag.

I reached out and snatched the bag back from him. "It's almost 8," I said. "I can't eat now." Eteri had never let me eat after 6 p.m., regardless if I'd missed a meal or not.

He took the bag back, and slung it over his shoulder. "Eating late once won't hurt you," he said. "Having a poor night's sleep and being weak for tomorrow will."

I opened my mouth to protest, but I found his argument convincing. Also, I was actually starving. "Okay, fine," I relented, and he looked triumphant.

He turned to leave, but I stood there for a moment, hesitant. He turned back, eyebrows raised. "Are you coming or not?"

I bit my lip. Up til this moment, us staying here late wasn't any different than it had been any other day, to any outside viewer, but now there was the matter of us leaving. We couldn't just walk out the front door together with him holding my bag for me.

He laughed, and came back to me, and to my surprise, he reached down and took my hand. "Don't worry. I have a plan for getting us out of here."

Chapter Text

Yuzu opened the door to the hallway a few inches and peered out. Satisfied with what he saw, he turned back towards me. "Around the corner. Two doors down to the left. Wait for me there." His eyes were dancing, and I swatted at him.

"You think this is fun."

He smirked. "Just go."

I rolled my eyes and obeyed, but not before taking my bag back from him. I headed out the door to the rink and down the hallway and found the second door on the right. Wherever I had walked into was beyond my recognition--it was completely dark in here. I fumbled to find the light switch, but with no success. Annoyed, I began feeling my way along the wall for it. Suddenly my hands touched something warm--alive. I almost shrieked, and then the light switched on. Yuzu was laughing his head off.

"How did you get in here before I did?" I gasped, my heart still racing.

He pointed at a second door, still laughing. It was then that I realized where we were. It was the Zamboni room. I'd only ever seen it from the rink side, with the main door rolled up. Apparently there was a side maintenance door from the rink side, where he'd come in, and then one from the hallway, where I'd come in.

"And that's where we get out," Yuzu pointed at a third door, down a fairly long ramp where the Zamboni obviously came into the storage area from the outside. He hit a button on the wall next to him to lift the door. I looked out at a back alleyway, grateful that it was empty and that it was mostly dark outside now. He grabbed my hand again. "Let's go."

I tried to combat the fluttery feeling Yuzu's hand holding mine was giving me by talking. "Wait. How are we going to close the door once we get out?" The button was up here where we stood, and the door was all the way down there.

"We just have to be fast," he grinned and pressed the button to close it. The next instant we were running down the ramp towards the closing door, and together we ducked down to avoid our heads getting hit as we made it outside.

"You could have given me a head start," I chided him, casually slipping my hand out of his.

"Not as fun," he laughed back at me.

"Now what?" I asked looking around me. The bus station was across the street--wouldn't someone see us there?

"My car is parked back there," he said, matter-of-factly, motioning with his head.

My mouth dropped open. "You have a car?"

He nodded. "How else do you think I got home that one night? Buses don't run at 3 in the morning. Come on."

I followed him around the corner to find a shiny black Lexus with darkly tinted windows and smiled to myself. Yuzu always had good taste, didn't he? I opened the car door to find a luxurious tan interior, and even for someone who knew little about cars, I knew this was no basic model. I guess he liked his cars how he liked his earphones.

He pulled out of the parking lot, and I suddenly felt a little thrill. I was riding in Yuzu's car, and no one knew. I looked over at him, and my heart beat even faster. I had never envisioned him driving before, and for some reason I found the image of his outstretched arms and hands gripping the steering wheel in the dim light of the car interior... hot. Blushing fiercely at my own feelings, I looked away quickly, out the window at the street flying by, but Yuzu noticed my movement and glanced towards me.

"What do you want to listen to?"

"Uhh," I faltered, unable to think. "Anything."

"Just radio, then," he said.

I smiled to myself as the music came on. Japanese radio, of course.

"What? You don't like it?" he grinned.

"I love it."

He paused and then spoke again. "Do you know this song?" (Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ASaV3h_l1U // English "translation" at the end of the chapter)

I shook my head. "I love it, though." I closed my eyes, and once again I let myself fall into the beat of the music.

When I opened my eyes again, he was looking at me with an expression I couldn't decipher. I blinked in surprise, and he quickly looked back at the road. That was nothing, I told myself. Don't let your mind play tricks on you.

The next thing I knew, he was pulling into the drive-through of none other than McDonald's. My jaw dropped again. "What are you doing? We can't eat this!"

He laughed. "But I want it."

"Just because you want something doesn't mean you should have it," I argued. Eating late was bad enough, but eating fast food--I was appalled that he was even considering it.

"Just this once," Yuzu said, looking at me with begging eyes and pouty lips. Ugh. He was too cute for words like that.

"Just this once," I relented.

Three and a half minutes later, we sat parked outside McDonald's with steaming hot cheeseburgers in our hands, and I was laughing at him at how excited he looked.

"Itadakimasu," he said before taking a huge bite and leaning back and closing his eyes with happiness.

"You're crazy," I said to him, shaking my head.

"You're crazier for not eating yet. I thought you were the hungry one."

I looked down at the burger hesitantly. Suddenly Yuzu leaned over and took hold of my hand, moving the burger closer to my face. "Just smell it," he teased.

I laughed and pushed his hand away with my cast, but the tantalizing smell of the burger was too much to resist after all. "Ugh, it's so good," I sighed through a mouthful.

"See, I told you." Yuzu was grinning, and I couldn't help but think how nice it was to see him happy like this again.

"First you have me sneaking out of the club with you and now you're making eat unhealthy junk food with you," I shook my head at him. "Is this how I have to pay for getting to train with the great Yuzuru Hanyu after hours?"

"Hey, I paid for dinner, not you," he grinned, and then I saw his expression change to a more serious one and he looked away. "Anyway, I learned more from you today than you learned from me," he said quietly.

I blinked again at him, unsure of what he meant. I opened my mouth to ask, but just then my phone buzzed.

"Shoot," I said, looking at the name. "It's my mother." I hadn't told her where I was.

"Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn't call earlier. Yes, I'm fine. No, you don't have to meet me at the bus station. A friend is driving me today," I said to her in Russian.

Yuzu looked at me with raised eyebrows. Apparently he could tell by my tone what our conversation had been. "Time to go home?"

I nodded. He handed me his phone with the map open. "What's your address?"

He slowed to a stop in front of my apartment building a little while later. I had been trying to find the words to ask him what he'd started to say earlier the whole way home, but couldn't bring it up in the conversation. I started to reach back for my bag in the back seat, but he stopped me.

"Don't do that with your arm," he said, and got the bag for me, placing it on my lap.

Even though I knew I shouldn't think anything of it, I liked the feeling that he was taking care of me. "Thanks. For today. For everything," I said.

He smiled. "No, thank you."

Here was my chance to ask. I bit my lip and leaned forward. "Yuzu--" I started.

Suddenly, he broke eye contact with me and looked away.

I was slightly taken aback, but I wasn't going to miss my opportunity. "What did you mean earlier?"

He looked back at me quickly, tilting his head.

"You said you learned something from me?" It wasn't that I wanted a compliment. I just wanted to see inside his mind.

He took a deep breath. "I don't know how to say it. You... inspire me, Evgenia Medvedeva."

A warm shiver rushed through me at his words, but I shook my head to clear my emotions from taking over. "How?" I asked softly.

"Because you skated for yourself today. It was beautiful."

I stared at him. I wanted to know what he meant by that, but the look in his eyes made me speechless. My lips tried to form a response but nothing came out.

He reached forward and unbuckled my seatbelt, and his nearness almost made me dizzy. "Your mom is waiting for you."

"I'll be going then," I murmured softly. I opened the door and slid out, but I didn't leave before leaning down and looking back into the car one more time. He was leaning in, too, looking back up at me, and I almost couldn't handle how beautiful he was.

"Oyasuminasai," I said impulsively and his eyes lit up at the Japanese word.

"Oyasumi," he said, and his smile was enough to make me melt again.

I closed the door, and watched him as he drove away. But then I turned to go up the the stairs and the first step was a painful reminder of the falls I'd taken all morning and afternoon. I suddenly realized I had completely forgotten how bad of a day it had been before Yuzu had shown up and given me an evening like that. It was just training and burgers, but it was Yuzu and sweetness and it was all I wanted. My heart felt full as the memory of his smile flitted through my brain one more time, and I floated all the way up the stairs.

Chapter Text

"It was just Yuzu, Mom," I said, slinging my bag onto the floor. The look she gave me told me that was the wrong move, though, and I picked it back up with a sigh.

"Yuzuru Hanyu?"

I rolled my eyes. "What other Yuzu am I friends with?"

"We didn't come all the way here so you could play around with boys," she said.

"I'm not playing around," I said defensively. "Yuzu has been my friend for a long time. You know that."

My mother humphed. "You've had a crush on that boy since you were a child."

I refused to respond to that and walked past her, heading to my room.

I shut the door behind me and sunk down onto my bed, letting out a sigh. It was true that I had been fascinated by Yuzuru before I'd met him, and when I finally had the chance to meet him, it had seemed like a dream come true. But then we'd actually become friends. I'd actually gotten to know him, and even though I still got starstruck around him from time to time, I had seen the human side of him in the time we'd spent together, and I'd fallen in love with every single side of him, from the boy who geeked out over earphones and anime to the young man who spoke eloquently in front of audiences to the determined athlete who never took a break from the thing that drove him toward his goal. And now that we were closer than ever, I was falling in love with the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, even if it was accidental or didn't mean what I imagined it did. Even the moments when things were tense between us were making me feel drawn even more to him--the times when I'd felt him slipping away had made me want to cling to him more, and the times he'd let me inside his walls had made me want to never leave. But I couldn't explain that to my mother. Because her thinking I had a silly crush on him was better than her knowing I was actually in love with him. I knew what she would say, that I was too young to know what love was, that I had too much of my career ahead of me to be thinking about a relationship.

I flashed back to another time, another place--a different country, a different rink, but the same feeling. I was 12 years old, and one of the Russian boys had confessed he liked me. Eteri had caught us holding hands, and she'd dragged me to her office.

"Do you want to be successful?" she'd asked me. I'd nodded. "How much do you want it?" she'd pushed.

"More than anything," I'd said.

"Then make your choice."

At 12 years old, I'd understood. In order to have one thing, you couldn't have the other.

But now I was 18, and I'd discovered that so many of Eteri's theories and philosophies weren't true. Couldn't she have been wrong about this, too? I flopped down onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Still, what was the use dreaming? Everyone was against us. My mother, Brian... And then I closed my eyes. Even Yuzu was against us.

---

A roll of thunder woke me from my sleep. I groaned, realizing I'd fallen asleep in my workout clothes. What time was it? I fumbled for my phone, bleary eyed. But then I sat straight up, instantly awake. There was a message waiting for me. From Yuzu.

"If you see this, come downstairs."

My heart raced, and then I forced myself to calm down. It was midnight, two hours after he'd sent the message, and three after he'd dropped me off. Of course he wouldn't still be waiting.

Still, I had to respond. "I'm sorry I didn't see this until now. Hope you didn't wait too long. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

I sighed and then reached up and pulled my ponytail out of its hair tie before falling back down on the bed holding my phone. Why had he come back? Did he have something to say? And then my phone buzzed.

"I'm still here."

My stomach turned inside out. What? I stared at the phone incredulously, and the next moment I found myself at the bedroom door, turning the knob quietly so as not to wake my mother. I made it out the front door with equal surreptitiousness, grateful for the pouring rain that softened the sound of it shutting behind me, and then I hurried down the covered stairs to the ground floor.

There he was, leaning against the wall of the breezeway, but he straightened up as soon as he saw me, stepping in front of a backdrop of a thousand crystal raindrops falling outside. He was so beautiful he didn't even seem real. But now he was coming towards me, and something about the way he was looking at me made me tremble all over.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to say.

"What do you think I'm doing here?" he asked. His face was serious, and I suddenly couldn't breathe, much less think.

"I tried to go home," he said as the distance between us got smaller and smaller. "I couldn't."

My face flushed, but in the dark I hoped he couldn't tell. He was almost in front of me now, close enough that I could see his skin glowing. He looked like an angel.

"Did you... need to tell me something?" I looked down, unable to meet his eyes anymore, my stomach twisted in knots.

His last step brought him directly in front of me, and then his hand reached up and tilted my chin up to look at him. "Yeah, I did."

And then, he kissed me. My head swam with a million thoughts, but somehow they all disappeared as I got overwhelmed by the soft warmth of his lips on mine, the touch of his hand on my back as he pulled me even closer to him, and the feeling of his other hand angling my face so he could kiss me even deeper. The rain behind us muffled any other sound, making me feel like we were the only two people in the world. How was this actually happening?

Suddenly there was another clap of thunder. And then, I woke up. I gasped for breath as I stared straight up at my ceiling again. The sound of the rain falling outside came into my ears, and in an irrational moment of desperation, I rolled over and grabbed my phone, checking my text messages. There weren't any. I rolled back over onto my back. It had just been a dream. I closed my eyes, and I could almost still feel the heat from Yuzu's body, but then I shook my head and pulled out my ponytail again. It was only a dream.

I kept repeating that to myself as I walked into the Cricket Club the next morning. I was early--really early--but I hadn't been able to sleep much since the dream and had finally given up trying.

I almost turned around when I walked through the door and saw Yuzu putting on his skates. How early did this guy get here, anyway? I forced myself to keep walking.

He grinned when he saw me, and then he raised his eyebrows.

"You look..."

"Rough, I know," I rolled my eyes at I sat down on the bench.

"I was going to say 'tired.' Crazy dreams last night or something??"

I froze. The image of him kissing me flashed through my consciousness and I felt my face growing warm. How did he know? No, he couldn't possibly know. But he was grinning like he did, and I couldn't stop myself from blushing. "Something like that." I turned away quickly, and pretended to be busy getting my skates out of my bag to avoid looking at him.

"I had some crazy dreams myself last night."

My mouth went dry.

"Don't you want to know what they were?" he asked, and I couldn't even manage to respond.

"Shoma-kun and I were in the League of Legends finals, and the whole arena was cheering for us to beat the Koreans. It was so epic."

I looked up and deadpanned, staring out into the space in front of me. Of course HIS dream was about a video game. I leaned down to lace up my skates, but all of a sudden I felt his presence next to me.

And then he leaned down and whispered in my ear. His voice was low and, if I didn't know better, it almost sounded...flirtatious. "Cheeseburgers give you crazy dreams, you know?"

His teasing was too much to bear, and I stood up quickly to give him a piece of my mind, but he'd already made it to the ice and was skating backwards away from me, laughing again.

"So can I blame you for my lack of sleep then, too?" I yelled at him.

"Something like that," he grinned.

I stepped onto the ice and glided towards him. "So, let me add it up. Silent treatment, broken arm, social media outrage, sleep disruption. What else are you going to do to make me miserable?" I asked, and this time it was my voice that sounded teasing.

"I'm sure I'll think of something," he said, his eyes in the shape of half-moons and playful.

I slugged his arm and he pretended like it hurt. "As long as you keep thinking of ways to make it up to me."

He look down at me with a smile, but then his gaze rose to the clock behind me and the smile faded a bit. "Brian gets here at 7," he said simply.

Only a little while left of this, I translated the statement in my head. Did he think of it that way, too?

"Then you better find your best behavior somewhere in there," I said, and poked my finger at his chest before speeding off to the other side of the rink.

---

"Evgenia, I'm impressed," Brian said, clapping after I finished a run-through of my short program. "I have to say I've been a little worried. But you're really on point today."

I basked in the glow of his compliment. "I think I just had to work through dealing with this," I said, patting my cast. But in my head, I was thanking someone else. It wasn't just the fact that I'd worked out my angst yesterday. The things Yuzu had been coaching me on truly had helped.

"When it comes off, I think we'll really see you turn a corner," he said. "Let's go over your physical therapy plan in our meeting later today. Keep up the good work." He stepped away to say something to Tracy, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Yuzu watching across the ice. He turned away quickly, but then I saw him give me a thumbs up behind his back. That kid, I smiled to myself as I stepped off the ice to get my water bottle. Secret meetings and secret looks across the ice weren't making this any easier for me.

"Looks like the cast won't be a problem after all," Gabby said, coming over to meet me.

I nodded. "I've always healed quickly from injuries before. It'll be off in plenty of time for the first event. In the meantime, I just have to put all my artistic expression into my left wrist," I joked. We shared a laugh, but then I got serious again. "I won't let this stop me," I said more to myself than to her. She nodded in understanding, and I started to gather my things to head to the weight room. With Brian's confidence in me, and Yuzu's encouragement and training, I felt more determined than ever to succeed.

Two hours later, I was back on the ice, waiting for everyone to go home so that my new favorite part of the day could start and Yuzuru Hanyu would walk through the doors. And then he did, and then he smiled at me, and that smile made me feel like nothing in the world could possibly go wrong.

Chapter Text

And so it continued just like that, day after day: training and hard work with everyone else, and then after-hours training with Yuzu that didn't feel like hard work at all even though it actually was. And for awhile, nothing else did go wrong. My programs came together, my choreography started to feel natural, and my wrist was healing. I got stronger, faster, more consistent. And best of all, there was Yuzu. He was always good to me, always patient with me, and always.... there for me. Sometimes it was hard to remember that we'd had such a rough start when I'd arrived.

Until one day, when I realized I should have never forgotten.

---

It all started the day my new dress for the free skate arrived. As soon as I stepped into the changing room, my eyes landed on the box with my name on it, and a flurry of emotions swirled through me as I hunted for something to open the box with. Would it look the way I'd designed it? Would it flutter and flow the way I wanted it to? Most of all, what would everyone think of it?

I finally got the box open and, peeling back the layers of tissue paper, I saw it. It was stunning. It was perfect. I lifted it out of the box and held it up to my body, looking in the mirror across the room. I had to show him. I didn't even care that it was the middle of the day. I couldn't wait.

I found him in the hallway on the way to the athletes' weight room. Since there were others in the hallway, he pretended not to see me at first, but I knew he'd at least acknowledge me once, and that would be my chance.

"Hey," he nodded as we got closer.

I snickered inside. Yuzu acting nonchalant was adorable, especially when we both knew we were basically best friends now. I tilted my head at a corridor to my right and made eyes at him like he should go there, but he frowned slightly like he didn't understand.

Ugh, Yuzu, don't be so dense, I sighed and rolled my eyes. I looked around quickly. No one was watching at this exact moment. In a flash, I reached out and pulled him by the arm into the narrow, darker hallway.

He backed up against the wall and then looked down at me, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "What are you doing? Did anyone see us?"

The way he said "us" made my heart squeeze a bit, but I pushed it aside. I'd been training myself to ignore those butterflies these last few months, too. Most of the time it worked. Most of the time.

"I don't think so," I said. "I want to show you something."

"Tonight," he said, but I shook my head.

"I don't want to wait that long."

It was then that he noticed I was holding a box, and he gave me a whole smile. "It's your dress."

I nodded excitedly. "It just got here."

"Okay, show me," he grinned. "I want to see it."

I bit my lip excitedly, reveling in his enthusiasm. "Okay, let's go then."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Where? What's your plan?"

I faltered. "I don't really have one."

"Well, you better think of one. I can't exactly go into the bathroom with you," he smirked.

"Not like you haven't done that before," I quipped, and I was amused to see the top of his ears turning a little red.

"Let's not mention that," he said. "Come on. I think I know a place." He turned to go out into the hallway, and then put an arm out to block me from following. "Wait," he whispered over his shoulder. Someone passed by, and then he reached down and took my hand. This time it was hard to fight the butterflies. "Okay. Let's go."

He led me out into the hallway and around a couple of corners to a staircase, and then together we ran up the stairs. He opened the door at the next floor quietly and looked out, and then I followed him into the empty corridor. I'd never been in this part of the building--for some reason, everything seemed nicer up here. There were lots of nice areas in the Cricket Club, but this seemed...extra fancy.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"The VIP lounges," he said matter-of-factly, and I gasped.

"What? Won't we get caught up here?"

"Not this time of day," he said. "I'm a VIP anyway." Just then, we heard several voices coming from around the corner, and my heart jumped. Without a moment's hesitation, Yuzu pushed open the nearest door and pulled us in.

"What is it with you and bathrooms?"

"At least it's the men's bathroom," Yuzu grinned at me.

"That doesn't make it any better for me," I pretended to be annoyed. "Why are we even hiding? I thought you said you were a VIP."

"Yeah, but you're not," he said. All of a sudden, I heard the voices again, and this time they were louder. A lot louder. My stomach dropped.

"They're coming in here!" I whispered, realizing our situation about to become a lot worse than if we'd been caught in the hallway. The next thing I knew, Yuzu was opening the door to the janitor's closet.

"Get in," he yelled at me hoarsely, and I obeyed as quickly as possible. I turned around just in time to see--no, feel--Yuzu slipping inside and closing the door behind us. The shut door put us in nearly complete darkness save for the slits of light at the top and bottom of the door, but I'd already ascertained how tiny the closet was. There was barely enough room for both of us to stand.

"You didn't have to come in here, too!" I yelled at him in a whisper.

His hand clamped over my mouth to silence me, and that's when I realized the men were inside the restroom already. "Too late now," he whispered, and his mouth was so close to my ear I felt my hair stand on end. The sensation made me dizzy, and I took a slight step backwards. My foot hit something, though, and I felt myself losing my balance. I was imagining the sound that a hundred spray bottles would make noisily crashing down around us when I felt Yuzu's arm suddenly slip around my waist to catch me. And then, he pulled me even closer.

Blood rushed to my head as I realized I could feel his entire body standing this way. I slowly became aware of every part of us that was touching-- the pressure of his hold on my waist, the bare skin of our arms, and even the front of his thigh grazing mine from time to time as we struggled to stand perfectly still. I tried to regulate my breathing to slow the rapidly increasing beat of my heart, but my mouth had gone completely dry. I attempted to swallow--and that didn't work either. Surely he was aware of how close we were. Was this not affecting him at all? No, Zhenya, I told myself. We're just this way... because of... the space. Pull yourself together... breathe. Ugh, what was taking these guys so long in the restroom? I tried hard to focus on the sound of the water running outside the door, and then with my wits about me more, I slowly, timidly, turned my face upward for the first time. And then I completely stopped breathing. There was just enough light coming through the cracks of the door that I could see his eyes. He was looking at me.

The sound of the bathroom door closing almost made me jump, and I heard Yuzu hurriedly fumbling for the door handle behind his back. He almost fell out the door backwards, turning away from me as he mumbled what sounded like Japanese curse words. "There was no air in there," he said in English, and he finally looked back at me. I immediately dropped my eyes. His face was flushed, too.

"I told you it was totally unnecessary for you to come in there with me," I attempted to chide him. I was grateful I still had my voice even if my nerves were shattered.

"If I hadn't, who would have saved you from falling into the mop bucket? That would have been awkward."

I looked back at the closet and saw said mop bucket. So that's what my foot had bumped into. I laughed. "So was being stuck in a closet with you."

His eyebrow twitched, but he was smiling. "Are you going to show me your dress or not?"

"Here?" I guffawed.

"Not here, baka," he said. "Come on."

He didn't reach for my hand this time.

"Is this... a library?" I asked a few moments later as he opened the door to let me in first.

"Mm," he nodded. "I come here sometimes to edit music. There's never anyone here."

It was a huge room with a large window that allowed golden sunlight to spill in and fill it with warmth, while the rest of the walls were shelves crammed with books from top to bottom. "Just like Beauty and the Beast," I murmured as I spied a rolling ladder mounted on one of the walls of shelves. I ran my hand along the spines of the books. If only there were time to read them all.

"There's a bathroom over there," Yuzu motioned with his head towards the opposite wall. He sat down in one of the leather club chairs and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I'll wait here."

A few minutes later, I emerged from the small bathroom wearing the new dress. He looked up, and I saw him blink twice.

"It's... silver."

I nodded, my heart beating a little faster as he stood up and circled around me, looking at the dress from all sides. The see-through fabric for the sleeves and the illusion neckline was white, as well as the fluttery material of the skirt, but the sweetheart shaped bodice of the dress was heavily jeweled and sequined in the unmistakable flash of metallic silver. Everyone knew Yuzuru Hanyu actually detested silver. But I'd chosen it regardless of that reason--or maybe for that reason, indirectly. He stopped in front of me and looked at me seriously.

"You want to know if I get it."

I raised my chin. "Do you?"

He bit his lip and nodded slowly. "You're not afraid of it anymore."

My shoulders relaxed as I felt a weight on me lift off a little. He understood. That's all I needed to know.

"It's beautiful, Zhenya."

I looked up at him. I hadn't expected or even needed a compliment. I had just wanted to know if someone--if he--would recognize what I was trying to say. That even if I hated what it meant, it wasn't going to own me. That I was going to own it, wear it, overcome it. That silver couldn't define me. That I would define myself.

"Maybe people won't understand, I don't know," I murmured. "People don't always get what I'm trying to say."

"I do," he said. "And it's braver than I've ever been," he said.

"But you're the bravest person I know," I said with a laugh. "You've been through so much and you never let anything stop you." It came out a little more fangirl-ish than I intended, but I didn't regret it.

He dropped his eyes for a moment and then looked back up at me seriously. "I'm not as brave as you think I am."

I frowned a little. Something in his voice had changed, and I couldn't figure out why. Suddenly the room felt a little colder than before, and I hurried back to the bathroom to change.

---

I was still thinking about that feeling later that afternoon as I walked down the hallway to my next training session.

"Zhenya, wait up."

I turned to see Gabby coming down the hallway towards me and smiled. She'd really made the effort to be my friend in the last few months, inviting me for coffee or dinner or hanging out with the group from time to time when we had off days.

"I'm planning something fun for all of us at my house before the season starts," she said. "Most people are saying Saturday night would work for them. What do you think?"

I was surprised. Did everyone still go out on weekends this close to competitions? Eteri never would have allowed it, I thought to myself. But Eteri wasn't here to say no anymore. "I should be free," I answered quickly. "So it's like, a party?"

"Don't worry, it'll be tame," she laughed, trying to interpret my reaction. "I know a bunch of you are younger."

I almost flared up at the mention of my age, but I knew she hadn't meant any harm. "I wasn't thinking of that," I said with an attempted laugh. "I have my own reasons why I don't drink. I was just wondering what we should wear."

"Oh," she said. "I was going to mention that. It's a pool party. Last fling of summer, you know?" She giggled excitedly. "It'll be so fun. Okay, see you there, Zhen!" She flitted off down the hallway and around the corner.

A few seconds later I realized I'd forgotten to ask her what time, so I quickly turned around to try and catch her. But just before I turned the corner, I heard a familiar voice and stopped in my tracks. It was Yuzu.

"Thanks but no thanks, Gabby. I won't be available."

"I know you're just gonna be studying or something, Yuzu. Just take a break, just this once?" she pleaded.

I leaned back against the wall, still listening out of sight. I should have known Yuzu wouldn't be interested in something like this, but now that I thought about it, it would have been fun if he'd come.

"Zhenya will be disappointed," I heard Gabby say and my ears started to burn. Wait. Why was she bringing me up?

"That doesn't make a difference to me," Yuzu said. My stomach pinched. That hurt a little.

"Come on, Yuzu. You know she's in love with you."

Blood rushed to my cheeks again, but this time I felt ice cold all over. What was Gabby saying? I stood there, numb, waiting for his response even though I knew I didn't want to hear it.

"Lots of people are in love with me," Yuzu said. Tears were threatening to sting my eyes now, and the slight pause before he spoke again only made what he said seem worse.

"That's why I can't be in love with anyone."

Chapter Text

I stumbled down the hallway away from them, unable to listen anymore to their conversation. My cheeks flamed with humiliation. So Gabby could tell I was in love with him, too? How, when no one even saw us together anymore? And now, Yuzu knew, too. Not that he cared. In fact, he'd barely bothered to even acknowledge her statement, but instead had just lumped me into a category with everyone else... with "lots of people" who were in love with him. I scoffed at the arrogance of that, and then sighed. Yuzu wasn't arrogant. He was honest. What he said was true. I was just one of thousands.   

My head was in a fog the rest of the day. How would I face him tonight, knowing that he knew? Every time I thought about it, I felt sick to my stomach. Everything was ruined now.

Like the lovesick fangirl everyone seemed to think I was, I had his schedule memorized and knew exactly when and where to avoid him the rest of the day. But the more and more people left the rink, the more and more my anxiety rose. I should just go home, I thought to myself. But then he'd ask what was wrong, and I didn't want him to guess I had overheard again. No, I'd have to stay. I'd have to act like everything was normal.

Jason waved at me as he headed out the door. "Don't stay too long, Zhen," he called over his shoulder.

"I'll be leaving soon," I replied. The door shut behind him and the silence that followed was deafening. The next time that door opened, it would be Yuzu coming in. This was usually the part of the day I looked forward to most, and now I was dreading it with everything in me. How was it that only this morning he'd been stirring up all those feelings inside of me?

He walked in. He saw me, and smiled. That smile usually made my heart melt, but suddenly I found that it made my blood boil. He knew how I felt and he was still acting like everything was normal? It really must not make a difference to him. Or worse, maybe he just pitied me. I can't do this.

"Um, my mom phoned earlier. I have to go home early today. I just stayed to let you know," I said, rushing through my lie.

He stopped and frowned. He could tell that wasn't true, couldn't he? I stepped off the ice, trying not to look at him directly.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said, gathering up my things. I couldn't help but notice that he was still frozen in place, in my path to the door. Ugh. Why was he still standing there, saying nothing?

I hurried past him, but I wasn't fast enough. He caught my arm. "Zhenya."

I could hear in his voice he wasn't going to let me go like that. But I still refused to meet his eyes. "What." I hated how my voice always betrayed my feelings. Of course he would know I was upset now.

There was a long pause. "Never mind. See you tomorrow."

I cried the whole bus ride home.

---

I walked in the next morning determined to have a hold on my emotions. If he could act like everything was fine, so could I. I was just going to forget I'd ever had feelings for one Yuzuru Hanyu. And that began with doing away with all the secretive stuff.

"Morning," I greeted him as we all stepped onto the ice for stroking class.

"Hey," he said, and I detected a mixture of both surprise and relief in his voice. "How are you?"

It felt odd that we were speaking in front of the others, but I had to do it. This is what normal people would do. 

"She's fine, obviously," a voice said behind us and I looked over my shoulder to see Gabby grinning at us. A wave of conflicted emotions rushed through me. I knew she couldn't have meant any harm by what she had said yesterday, but it still upset me. I tried to push the feelings aside. Act normal.

"What did you do different today, Zhen? You look gorgeous," Gabby continued. "Doesn't she, Yuzu?"

My eyes shot to Yuzu. He nodded slightly in response, and I flushed. Looking away, I made dagger eyes at Gabby, who just winked at me slyly. Sure, I had put on a little more makeup than usual today, but I hadn't expected anyone would point it out. What was she trying to do, match-make us or something? A wingwoman was the exact opposite of what I needed right now.

"Let's begin, please," Tracy called out at the front of the group, and I was glad that we could all stop talking now.

But Gabby kept going. "Can't we change your mind about the party, Zu?" she asked Yuzu, and he gave her a look that was clearly a no. She shrugged and backed away.

Yuzu moved closer to me. "Are you going?" he asked quietly, his eyes still straight forward as we followed Tracy's instructions.

It was all I could not to reply, "I thought that didn't make a difference to you." But I'd made that mistake before. I couldn't let him know about my accidental eavesdropping this time. Instead I bit my tongue and replied, "I think so."

"You shouldn't go."

I looked at him quickly, my temper flaring against my will. What right did he have to tell me what I should and shouldn't do? I looked forward and gritted my teeth to keep my composure. "Why not?"

I saw him looking at me in my peripheral vision, and it was too magnetizing not to look back at him. But when I did, I didn't know how to read the expression in his eyes.

"Just... trust me," he said.

Trust him? Why should I trust the guy who was responsible for my heart feeling like it was breaking into a million pieces right now? It's not like he actually cared about me. I felt my temperature rising beyond my control. "Well, that's a great reason," I said, sarcasm coloring my tone. "Why should it matter what I do, anyway?"

He frowned, eyes squinting at me. "What's going on with you?"

I couldn't help myself this time. The words came out bitter and terse, and I hoped he remembered when he'd said them to me so long ago after he'd found me crying in Pyeongchang. "Maybe someday you'll understand."

He paled. And then he stepped wrong.

His misstep made my heart flutter, but I couldn't tell if it was because I loved him or because I was mad at him. Either way, I knew why it had happened. He remembered.

"Are we paying attention back there?" Tracy called out. We both looked straight ahead and didn't say a word to each other the rest of the class.

Or the rest of the day.

I didn't stay again that night. I didn't even bother to tell him I was going home. I just left, during his practice so he couldn't stop me. On my way out, I heard the bell ring from inside the rink. He'd done his program perfectly, and I'd missed it. It killed me that I'd missed it. 

At home, I wallowed in self-pity, eating loads of chocolate and watching old episodes of Sailor Moon. But then I saw the photo of us doing the pose together sitting on my desk and I turned the stupid show off. And then I put away the picture, and then I took off my power bead bracelet like his, and then I threw out the McDonald's cup I'd kept for who knows how long. I had to stop. I had to.

At least I had the party to look forward to. It would be fun, no matter what Yuzuru Hanyu had to say about it. Saturday night couldn't come soon enough.

---

Music bumped loudly and we could see the colored lights from the pool as Jason pulled up to Gabby's house with me in the passenger seat.

"Yeaaahhhh, it's time to partayyyy," he shouted out the open window, and I had to grin. At least I had friends like him who could always keep my spirits high.

I stepped out of the car. Hair up in a high topknot, I wore a flowy black chiffon maxi skirt over my bikini bottoms and just the cropped halter of the swimsuit on top. Red lips, winged eyeliner and a pair of stilettos completed my look--and I knew I looked good. But I wasn't looking good for anyone--just for me--and that felt even better.

Gabby and her friends swarmed us as soon as we arrived and directed us towards a huge buffet table of food. Jason and I chowed down, enjoying the delicious fare and laughing at the shenanigans already going on in the pool.

"Want something to drink?" he asked me after a few minutes and I nodded, seeing the pretty colored fountain on another table. He came back with a couple of punch cups and I took a sip.

I immediately tasted the alcohol in the drink and set it down.

"You don't like it?" Jason asked.

"You know I don't drink," I said. "And you shouldn't drink too much either, not when we're getting ready for events."

"Ehh, it's a weekend," he dismissed me. "We don't have practice tomorrow. That's why Gabby planned it for tonight."

Yeah, well, she told me it was going to be tame, I thought. Now the silliness already going on in the pool made complete sense.

He gulped the rest of the drink down. "I'm getting in, are you?" he announced and I didn't even have a chance to respond before he cannon-balled into the pool right in front of me, splashing water all over me. I screamed and he came up for air laughing.

"You goose," I yelled at him and left him to his fun.

But then Gabby caught my arm as I headed back toward the food table. "You'll never guess who changed their mind about coming to the party," she said teasingly.

My stomach dropped to the floor. "What?"

"Well, he said he'd think about it," she said. "That's more than I've ever gotten out of him before."

I could feel my pulse racing. Yuzu really might come? Why would he change his mind? He had been unwavering when she'd asked before, and was even against me coming, for who knew what reasons, probably the timing of it all. But he'd changed his mind before--about distractions, about me. Maybe he'd done it again.

"I can tell by what you're wearing you hoped he'd come, too," she said and I had to momentarily pause my fantasy of Yuzu seeing me look like this to correct her.

"Gabby, I appreciate the support and everything--but there's actually nothing going on with me and Yuzu," I said simply.

"Hmm," she said, and I could tell she didn't believe me. "Well, if that's the case, then why don't you come meet my friend Matt? He's been staring at you since you got here."

I didn't want to meet Matt. But I had to prove her wrong.

She lowered her voice as she pulled me towards a group of shirtless guys. "At least it'll give Yuzu a reason to be jealous if he gets here and sees you with another guy, right?"

"Gabby, seriously--" I started but she laughed.

"I'm just kidding," she rolled her eyes at me and grabbed a glass off a nearby table. "Here, try to relax."

"I don't need a drink to relax," I shook my head.

"Suit yourself," she laughed. "You know where it is if you want it."

And then she introduced me to Matt, who was cute but only generically so. We chatted a bit and he asked me to dance, which was fun but only marginally so. I excused myself after the second song. It wasn't fair to Matt. I could only compare him to Yuzu, who was taller than him, handsomer than him, funnier than him. I couldn't even look straight at poor Matt, because my eyes kept darting around the patio looking for Yuzu.

Hours passed, but there was no sign of him. Jason had completely disappeared, and Gabby had brought out much stronger drinks than the fruity punch, and I ended up alone on the side of the pool, just my legs dangling in the water. The night air had gotten a little chilly and I had pretty much gotten over this party. I had wanted to come here as an escape from Yuzu, but even here he was all I could think about, especially now, thanks to Gabby. I swirled my foot around in the pool water. Why had he told her he might come if he wasn't going to? Was he trying to play games with me? Was he punishing me for ditching our evening meetings? No, I probably didn't even occupy that much space in his mind. So why was I letting him occupy so much space in mine?

Because I love him. A tear slipped out of my eye and I furiously brushed it away. Why wouldn't my heart stop with these stupid feelings? I stood up hastily. This was exactly the opposite of what this party was supposed to do for me. I was supposed to have fun and forget about him, not sulk alone and cry about him. I needed to go home.

No sooner had I stood up than I felt a strong gust of wind blow through my thin skirt. And then, I heard a roll of thunder. My spine tingled a bit as I remembered the last time I'd heard thunder, but I forced myself to keep walking, looking for Jason. This party would be over soon anyway. Other people had heard the thunder, too, and were getting out of the water, and then suddenly the heavens opened up in an instant downpour. Now everyone rushed into the house and I followed them, hoping to find Gabby or Jason in the crowd.

I finally spied Jason and some other guys I didn't know sprawled out on one of the couches, totally incoherent. Great. Now how was I going to get home?

Someone cranked up the music inside, and to my dismay, everyone kept on partying. I sighed and checked my phone. There was a bus stop not far outside the neighborhood. I could probably just walk there.

I pushed my way through the group dancing to Gabby. "Hey," I called out to her. She saw me but kept bopping to the music.

"I'm going home," I raised my voice to be heard. "Do you have an umbrella or something?"

"A what?" she yelled back.

I shook my head, frustrated. "Never mind," I shouted, and headed back out the French doors to the patio. I stood under the overhang for a moment, assessing the rainfall. It seemed to have lightened up a bit. Maybe it was just a passing shower. And I was wearing a swimsuit after all. I reached down and slipped out of my heels, and then with determination, I dashed out into the rain.

I wasn't halfway down the road when I realized this was a terrible idea. The rain wasn't letting up, and I was soaked to the bone. It was colder than I'd estimated, and I was shivering. I pulled out my phone to check the map. Still 8 minutes walk to the bus stop. 

It seemed like it took an eternity to get to the corner where the map said the stop should be. But here I was, and the shelter should be somewhere... but where was it? I squinted. Wait, there was a sign. Under construction? Bus stop inactive until further notice?

My heart sank into the puddle I was standing in. What was I supposed to do now? It was well past midnight. Calling and waking my mom was hardly an option. She'd trusted Jason to get me home safely--and any diversion from that plan was likely to make her furious at both of us. Not to mention, how would I explain what kind of party I'd left?

I turned around desperately looking for a solution. 

And then, I saw headlights. And a familiar black car. I rubbed my eyes, sure the rain was playing tricks on me. 

And then the car slowed down, and stopped. And then, in the headlights--a silhouette in front of a backdrop of a thousand crystal raindrops.

Chapter Text

I was dreaming again, wasn't I? How else could Yuzu have found me here of all places?

But then he stepped into the light of the street lamp. He looked even more beautiful with his hair soaked in the rain, wetness glistening on his face.

"Baka," he said, and then rushed toward me, pulling off his jacket and putting it around my shoulders in one quick instant.

He was real. I stared at him, stunned. Why had he come? Had he really missed me after all? Hope was springing up in my heart again, despite my better judgment.

He reached for my hand, making my stomach involuntarily flip-flop like it always did when he touched me. "Come on, you'll catch a cold out here. What are you thinking?"

He was about to pull me to the car, but something in me forced me to withdraw my hand from his, and I stood solidly in place. "How did you know I would be here?"

"What? Why are we talking about this now? Let's go to the car."

I didn't move. The rain was heavy on my eyelashes as I tried to look at him, but I wasn't going to budge until he answered me.

He took a deep breath. "Fine. Gabby called me. She said you had disappeared and no one knew where you went."

"So you weren't coming to the party," I said. So he hadn't been missing me. He'd just come because Gabby had told him to. All the hope I'd had a second ago started dissipating into the dense air around me.

"Why would I go to that stupid party?" He was starting to sound irritated and he looked me over carefully. "Gabby said you might be drunk. Are you? Is that why you're out here in the middle of a storm?"

"I'm not drunk," I spat out bitterly. "Everyone else is. That's why I'm out here. There's supposed to be a bus stop. But it's gone." I waved at the sign.

"Okay, so... it's gone. So now will you come home with me?"

I just looked at him, a feeling of emptiness suddenly overwhelming me. And then I shook my head no.

His shoulders heaved and then he stepped back away from me, nodding, his mouth open oddly as he breathed heavily. And then he stopped and shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. And then, I saw THAT Yuzuru Hanyu spark to life. The prince, the champion, the one who wouldn't let anything stop him once he'd made up his mind about something. With a rush of energy, he ran his fingers through his rain-drenched hair and came towards me again. "Screw this. I'm not leaving you out here."

He reached out and tried to pull me by the arm, but I dug my bare feet into the cement of the sidewalk, and my resistance jolted him back closer to me. Now with him standing so near me, I could see the expression in his eyes. I had expected to find them intense and maybe even angry, but instead they were desperate, pleading.

"Why are you doing this to me, Evgenia?" he asked, and suddenly I found both his hands were gripping my shoulders now.

To you?

"What do you want me to say?" I had never heard his voice like this. "Should I say that I'm here because I was worried about you? That I missed you? That I've been going crazy these last few days without you? That I just want to fix whatever is wrong with us so you'll come back to me?"

A wave of hot and cold swept over my entire body in a split second and my heart suddenly felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Worried about me? Going... crazy without me? I stared at him, dazed. Come...back...to him? Had he really just said those words? He couldn't have. He COULDN'T have. And then I blinked. I had to stop thinking he meant more than he did. It was just my stupid heart wanting more than it deserved. Yes, he missed me, but it wasn't the way I wanted, was it? Yes, he wanted me to come back, but it wasn't for the reasons I wanted, was it? I'd heard the real truth from his own lips...that we were just friends, that he didn't love anyone including me. Adding deeper meanings to his words and actions was what had gotten me so deep into this hole. So stop it, Zhenya. Stop THIS.

"No, you shouldn't say that," I said, my throat tight enough to choke me.

"Why not?"

I didn't want to say it. But I had to.

"Because.... because you know how I feel," I whispered. It was as close to confessing as I could get, and even half-saying it completely drained every ounce of energy out of me.

His hands dropped from my shoulders and I saw all the color disappear from his face. There. I'd done it. It would be over now. He'd back away from me, and we wouldn't be friends anymore.

But then his hands suddenly slipped around my waist, and before I could stop him, he was pulling me close to him, his arms wrapping completely around me. My head reeled and I dropped the shoes I was holding. This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

I closed my eyes, my face hot from the rush of feelings that being pressed so closely to his chest was giving me. I knew I should pull away, but I couldn't, and as if of their own volition my arms went around him, too. Just a little longer like this before it's all over. Maybe this is the last time he'll ever do this... maybe this is our goodbye hug. Tears filled up my eyes, spilling over and getting lost in the rain that was soaking both of us to the skin.

And then I felt him nestling his cheek softly against my head, and it was so sweet I thought it would kill me.

"What if I don't say that, and you don't say that?" he whispered. "Can't we just go on not saying things?"

He doesn't want this to be goodbye. The thought overwhelmed me briefly. I didn't want it either. I wanted to be with him more than anything, and knowing that he did care about me after all made it so much worse. But he could only offer me friendship, and even though our friendship meant the world to me, the closer we got the harder it was to stop my feelings for him. This was nothing but a dead end road for me.

I finally pulled away, avoiding his eyes, afraid I'd lose my resolve. "I won't say that again. But I can't stay at the rink at night anymore," I said. "Not for awhile. Not until..."

Not until I get over you.

My eyes lifted slowly up to his. He was nodding in acceptance. "If that's what you really want."

I nodded.

And then he stood a little straighter, and when he spoke, his voice was stronger. "Starting tomorrow then," he said. "Tonight, come home with me."

I opened my mouth to refuse, and then I remembered the thoughts I'd had before. It wasn't fair to punish him. I should compromise, shouldn't I? Just one more time. I needed a way to get home anyway.

He was holding out his hand for me to take. But I was afraid of what touching his hand again would do to me, so I bent down and picked up my shoes and then walked past him to the car door and looked back at him.

"Okay, Yuzuru Hanyu. Take me home."

We sat in silence as he turned the car around and headed back down the road, the sound of the rain and the rhythm of the windshield wipers our music for the night. I kept my eyes on the road, knowing that if I looked over at him, I'd get distracted with how attractive he looked driving, like I always did. Just a little while until I'm home, I told myself. You can make it that long.

But then after a while I started looking around at the scenery we were passing. Even through the dark and the rain, I could tell something wasn't right. This wasn't the way I'd come with Jason.

"Where are we going?" I suddenly asked.

"Home," he said as if it should be obvious.

"Whose... home?"

There was a slight pause. "Mine," he said slowly, and then he looked at me, and it dawned on both of us that we had assumed something completely different. I'd thought he was taking me to my place, but he'd been talking about his the whole time? What had I just agreed to?

"I can't take you back to your mother looking like that," he said.

"I guess you're right," I said, imagining how much of a drowned rat I resembled at this current moment. But my insides were starting to tremble. I'd never been to Yuzu's house before. Had anyone?

"What will your mother say?" I suddenly questioned him.

I saw his face flicker a little. "She's not there," he said. "She's in Japan right now."

My eyes widened, and then I looked straight ahead. My heartbeat was so loud in my ears I was sure he could hear it. Yuzu was taking me home, his home, in the middle of the night, and it would just be the two of us. I hadn't even let myself dream of something like that. And here it was, happening when I was supposed to be shutting down my feelings for him?

Chapter Text

My face flushed as I imagined Yuzu waiting outside Gabby's house, not sure whether or not to come in, wondering about me, worried about me. Did he really care that much? I felt a little lightheaded thinking about it. And now, he didn't want to let go of me, so he was taking me back to his house--what, maybe to change my mind? I'd let you change my mind if you tried to convince me. Honestly, I wouldn't even really need that much convincing.

Suddenly his voice broke into my overactive imagination. "You can shower and change into something else at my place. I'll take you home after that. Your place isn't too far away."

His matter-of-fact, almost business-like tone sent my fantasy crashing back down to earth. He really was just bringing me home to change out of my wet clothes.

What was wrong with me? Why did I let myself dream like this? I looked over at him. His face was serious as ever. And then, I felt something in my heart change. No. What was wrong with him? He was the confusing one. He was the one who said one thing to everyone else and acted completely different to me, the one who said vague things and was bringing me home with him after I basically told him I had feelings for him. And I'd acquiesced because I wanted to be... fair? But how was this fair to me?

I could feel my blood pressure rising as we pulled into his apartment complex. I followed him quietly up the stairs, waiting as he fumbled a bit with his key in the dark. Any other time I would have been thrilled to have the privilege of seeing the private life of the great Yuzuru Hanyu, but right now I just wanted to be out of these clothes and out of his presence.

Still, my interest was piqued when we stepped into the apartment. Even though only a few lights were on, I could see well enough. It was smaller than I'd imagined, but it was impeccably neat and tidy.

"Wait here a second," Yuzu said, and disappeared into one of the rooms. He came back a few seconds later with what looked like a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts.

I gave him a blank look. "You want me to wear your clothes?" I hadn't really thought this through, and now I wondered if he had, either.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"I don't, I just know I'm not wearing that." I knew I was being stubborn on purpose, but I didn't care.

He took hold of my arm and pulled me into the room, pushing me gently me in front of a mirror.

"And what will your mom think if she sees you like that?"

I looked aghast as I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. My hair was a mess, the polished topknot from before a straggly tangle of curls still knotted loosely in my hair tie. My skirt had gotten a huge tear in it somehow, and his jacket, still damp and heavy, made me look even more disheveled as it hung loosely around me, its only merit that it covered most of my bare stomach that the bathing suit exposed. Okay, I needed to wear something else. But I couldn't admit that to Yuzu now.

"Why do you care what my mother thinks?" I countered, glaring at him standing behind me in the mirror.

He frowned. I knew he sensed how tense I was, but I couldn't stop myself from going further.

"Just admit it. You care what everyone thinks."

He took hold of my shoulders again, turning me around toward him. It used to make me feel comforted, protected when he would move me like that, but for some reason right now it felt restricting, and I felt an overwhelming desire to take back control. I wrested myself out of his grip defiantly, and when I looked at him, I could see the muscle in his jaw tightening. And then he took a deep breath.

"You're right. But I have to. Everyone is depending on me. I have to worry about my family, the coaches, the fans, Sendai... Japan."

I stared at him. This didn't have anything to do with my mother anymore. Why was he telling me all this?

"I tried to make it work. But somehow everything I do makes things worse for you. It's because... of who I am. I never meant to hurt you."

A chill ran down my spine. No, don't say those things. Don't talk about this. About me. About us.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine," I cut him off. "Where's the shower?"

He blinked and stepped backwards from me. "Right there," he said, motioning to an adjacent door.

I grabbed the clothes from his arms and went inside as quickly as I could. Alone inside the bathroom, I grabbed the edge of the counter, my head pounding. This was a mistake. I never should have agreed to come here. Everything in me ached as I stripped off the wet clothes and my temples throbbed as I pulled the wet elastic out of my hair. Even my feet hurt when I stepped into the shower--I guess I'd walked half a mile barefoot, hadn't I? Why had this turned into the worst night ever?

I stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later wearing his clothes, my long hair towel-dried and smoothed with a comb I'd found on the counter. I glanced around the room. Yuzu was nowhere in sight. And then I looked around the room again. There was a Tokyo Ghoul poster on the wall, a small desk with a computer and lamp and a little notebook next to it. This was his room. I hadn't realized that before.

There was a game open on the computer screen. I scoffed a little when I saw it was League of Legends. And then I looked closer and blinked. The character he had selected was dressed as... Sailor Moon. How was that even possible? I shook my head. That meant nothing. He probably didn't associate Sailor Moon with me anyway. And then my eyes drifted over the rest of the desk. My heart skipped a beat when I saw an empty McDonald's cup sitting on the shelf. Like the one I'd thrown away. Don't be ridiculous, Zhenya. That could be any McDonald's cup. And then I saw the notebook, open, inviting me to look at it. I stepped closer. Ah, everything was written in Japanese. I frowned. Although that didn't look much like writing. It was more like scrawls, and odd marks, like he'd been scratching at it furiously.

I've been going crazy without you the last few days.

I felt another chill run through me. The time, the game, the McDonalds cup, the writing--it was adding up to be more than I could ignore. But I had to ignore it. I had to.

And then my eyes fell on something else. Two small wooden boxes, side by side. My head felt like it was pounding again. I didn't have to open them to know what they were, but my fingers were drawn towards them as if they were magnetized. I opened the first, and I caught my breath at the glint of gold. Sochi gold. And then, my hands shaking, I opened the second. The one that should have been mine. I flashed back to that night in Pyeongchang and the heartache that had threatened to consume me, the heartache that woke me up every morning, that had driven me to change, that had brought me all the way here. Losing gold had made me what I was. Had gaining gold made Yuzuru Hanyu what he was? Were these what woke him up every morning? Were they here to remind him of what he had given up to get them, and what he had to do to keep going? Of his... responsibilities?

Maybe one day you'll understand...

...why...

I don't always get what I want...

I felt sick to my stomach.

"Zhenya?"

I looked up. Yuzu stood in the doorway, and I vaguely noticed that he'd changed, too. But something about him looked odd---he was blurry around the edges, like I was dreaming again. All of a sudden, a wave of dizziness passed over me again. Something was wrong.

"Zhenya!"

Why did his voice sound so far away? Everything felt like it was closing around me, and the only things that could register in my brain was the sound of Yuzu's footsteps coming quickly towards me, the faint smell of shampoo in his hair, and the feeling of his arms slipping around me as my knees buckled--and then everything went black.

---

I opened my eyes slowly, and when they focused, I could see Yuzu leaning over me in the dim light, holding a cool cloth to my forehead as I lay in bed--his bed. My whole body was aching and weak, and I didn't want to move, but all I could think was that I couldn't be here.

"I have to go home," I said, trying to sit up.

He pushed me back down gently. "You have a fever. You passed out."

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"Stop saying you're fine when you're not."

Irritated, I tried to sit up again, but the tunnel vision came back as I moved too quickly, and I crumpled back into his pillow.

"I told you," he said softly. Everything was fading again. I couldn't keep my eyes open any more.

---

The next time my eyes opened, I was looking straight up at the ceiling in the gray light that filled the room... morning light. My heart instantly jumped into my throat with the realization. I was still at Yuzu's, wasn't I? Everything came rushing back--the party, him holding me in the rain, the gold medals, passing out. I tried to sit up, but something restricted me... something was holding the blankets down. I turned, and sucked in a short breath. He was lying next to me, asleep, a washcloth still in his hand. He looked exhausted even in his sleep. Had he been taking care of me all night?

I reached out and touched his shoulder. "Yuzu, wake up."

His eyes flickered open, and our gazes meeting as we lay facing each other sent a shockwave through me. A shockwave I tried to ignore.

"Are you okay now?" he said, his voice deeper than it normally was. I nodded.

He reached up and touched my forehead with the back of his fingers. "Mm," he said as if reassuring himself.

Why was he still lying here with me? This was only making it harder to do what I knew I needed to do now.

"Can you take me home now?" I asked.

He looked at me briefly and then sat up abruptly, clearing his throat. "Yeah. I'll find you some slippers." He stood up. "Oh, here's your phone. I charged it."

"Thanks," I murmured, sitting up and taking it from him. My eyes opened wide when I saw the number of missed calls and text messages--from my mom. There was one even from 5:00 a.m.--15 minutes ago.

"Everything okay?"

I looked up. He was fixing his rumpled hair in the mirror, looking back at me.

"We'll see," I said, as I started typing a reply as fast as I could.

"I'm coming home now, Mom. I'm sorry. I fell asleep at my friend's."

I prayed that would work.

A little while later, I shuffled out to Yuzu's car in some of his flip flops, which were way too big for me. Coming home wearing a boy's clothes? This isn't going to work, I thought to myself.

And then we were turning the corner to my apartment, and I saw my mother outside waiting for us. No, this most definitely was not going to work.

"Thanks for the ride," I said to Yuzu as he pulled into the parking space. "Thanks for everything." I hadn't meant for it to sound so final, but... it was.

I looked over at him and he was looking back at me with a face I couldn't interpret. I swallowed and tore my eyes off him, reaching quickly for the door handle and getting out. Time to face my mother.

Her face, on the contrary, was the easiest thing in the world to read.

"Explain yourself," she demanded.

"She was sick," I heard a voice behind me, and I whirled around, unable to believe my ears. "I brought her after she was better. I'm sorry. Please blame me."

It was heavily accented, and some of the tenses weren't right, but it was unmistakably, very understandably Russian. My mouth gaped open at Yuzu, who had gotten out of the car and had come to stand beside me. He looked down at me, and I shook my head in disbelief. He spoke Russian? My mother was equally as caught off guard.

"She wasn't sick when she left. This is irresponsible of both of you," she finally said when she found her voice. "What happened to Jason?"

"Is she asking where Jason is?" Yuzu leaned in close to me, speaking in English. "I don't know what to say. That's all I practiced."

He'd practiced? He was still worrying about me. But he shouldn't anymore.

"It's fine, I'll take care of it," I said brusquely. "Go home. Get some sleep."

He looked at me for a long moment, and then nodded and went back to the car.

"Well?" my mother prodded as he drove out of sight.

"What he said was true. I got sick in the rain and fell asleep til just now."

"And your clothes?"

"Nothing happened, Mom."

"He's in love with you. I can tell by the way he looks at you."

I looked quickly at my mother, my heart jumping for just a moment before I controlled it. "It's not like that."

"Don't be naive," she said. "I can see the bus card records. I know he brings you home every night."

I pursed my lips. I hadn't thought she'd notice. "He has. But he's been helping me, Mom. With skating. At the rink," I said.

"Helping you," she scoffed as if she wasn't buying it. "I didn't come all this way and spend all this money for you to get distracted."

Distracted.

"I'm not distracted," I said. Maybe I had been. But I wouldn't be anymore. "I was just trying to learn from the best. He's the Olympic champion."

She humphed. "Don't let the fact that he's a champion get in the way of you becoming one."

I looked at her solidly, resolutely.

"Don't worry. I won't."

Chapter Text

I collapsed into my own bed upstairs in the apartment, my body still aching and weak in the aftermath of the fever, my head hurting from the battle between my thoughts.

I turned to lay on my side, and suddenly the memory of laying next to him in bed in this same position flooded through me. I hadn't let myself take in the moment then, afraid of what might happen if I'd allowed myself. But now, lying here, I could still remember his face, and how his perfect skin looked soft and almost luminous in the dim morning light. I could still see his deep brown eyes open slowly and look at me. There was no hint of surprise or uncomfortableness in his gaze. Instead it was calm, steady, and warm, and everything about it had made me want to pull him close, bury my face in his chest and whisper to him that I loved him. Because despite what had happened, and what had to happen now, I still did.

I rolled over onto my back in bed. It was time to stop dreaming, to grow up and face reality. Yuzuru Hanyu and I would never be together. I'd acted like I had disregarded his words then, but I knew he was trying to tell me something last night. He was trying to tell me he cared... about me... but also about everyone--everything--else.

Everyone is depending on me. I have to worry about my family, the coaches, the fans, Sendai... Japan.

We were silver and gold. In a strange, mysterious way, getting a silver medal had opened the door to my freedom. But the weight of his two golds had taken away his. The burden of a whole country rested on his shoulders, now more than ever. It was selfish of me to think I could ask for something more from a heart that had already given so much to the world.

So I would stop. Maybe I couldn't stop loving him right away--I'd tried that already. But what I could stop was acting like this, letting my emotions sway my actions, wallowing in self pity, and losing my focus. I wouldn't let him see my feelings anymore. I wouldn't let him feel guilty for hurting me. I would show him I was okay. I would take back control. I would be strong again.

My mother's words rang in my ears. What was I here for anyway? Had I forgotten all the mess I'd slogged through to change coaches and move across the world? Had I forgotten that time was running out for me, that I only had a few short years left to achieve my elusive dreams? Had I forgotten that a whole new crop of juniors was arriving on the scene in just a few weeks with faster, higher jumps than me, that somewhere Alina was working on a quad? Being so far away from everyone had made me lose sight of all of that. But not anymore. I wasn't here to be in love. I was here to win.

---

I know he was shocked when I showed up at the rink the next day and greeted him with a smile.

"Good morning," I said.

He stared at me. Those eyes. This was going to be harder than I thought. But I had to do it.

"I'm fine, thanks," I quipped at his lack of response.

He shook his head and found his voice. "So you're feeling better?"

"I am. Thanks to you. Hopefully you got enough rest, too."

A hint of a frown flickered across his face, but he slowly nodded, and with that, I busied myself putting on my skates. Fortunately for me, skaters were already gathering out on the ice for the stroking class and I wouldn't have to make any more conversation. Yuzu stepped out onto the ice with them and I lost sight of him in the group.

I mentally patted myself on the back. The first part of my plan was working so far--it was an infinitesimal start at being normal, but it was a good one.

But there was one thing I'd forgotten to plan for. Gabby.

She sidled into position next to me out on the ice. "So.... what happened Saturday night?" she whispered. "Did Yuzu come pick you up?"

"Yeah, I was going to the bus stop but he got me first and brought me home," I said. I didn't have to give her the timeline of events, did I?

She humphed. "Boring."

"Sorry, Gabby. I told you there was nothing going on with us," I said flatly.

Just then, a black form swooshed by us, and my heart jumped a little. Yuzu took a spot several rows ahead. We'd spent too much time together for me not to notice that something was off, even from behind, his back and legs stiff. Had he heard me? I took a deep breath. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he had.

"Let's begin," Brian called out.

Yes, let's begin.

I hit the gym harder than ever that day. My back was aching by the time I was done, but it felt good. Brian always was always preaching about strength--that having a strong core and solid muscles were the secret to long-term success. I'd gradually built onto my weight training program since I'd arrived, but today I had gone all out and pushed myself to my limits. As I dropped the barbell weights onto their stand, I counted how many I'd added on. I was stronger now. Physically, at least.

But now I had to test my mental strength.

The afternoon sun faded into darkness outside the windows of the rink a few hours later. It was almost time. Almost time for the ice to clear out. Almost time for me to face my decision.

I was going to stay.

It was the right thing to do--the mature thing to do. Yes, my knee jerk reaction had to been to cut him off, in an attempt to protect myself, and, if I was really being honest, maybe to even try to punish him for not caring the way I wanted him to. But avoiding him made my heart hurt as much as being around him, maybe even more. And more than all of that, there was something else at stake here, beyond my personal feelings. Regardless of how it had drawn us closer, the extra time spent with Yuzu in the evenings the last few months had made a huge difference in my training. If I was going to reach my goals, I couldn't stop with this. I needed this--I needed him, professionally.

And so I was ready... to apologize.

Apologizing had never come easy for me. Unlike Yuzu, who seemed to always be apologizing to me for something, a sincere apology rarely came out of my mouth. I had felt remorse for many things I did, but I suppose you could say I was often too proud to admit my mistakes out loud. But I couldn't just change my mind on Yuzu like this without an explanation. He deserved more.

The last little girl's mom arrived to pick her up and they walked out together, the door shutting behind them. My stomach twinged, and I ran through the words I'd memorized again.

"I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for being difficult the last few days. I put you in an uncomfortable position, and I regret it. But I wanted to let you know I'm going to get back on track now, and to do that, I want to put my full effort into my training. And that includes everything you help me with. If you can forgive me, I'd like to keep coming here like always."

Yes, that sounded good. Now all I had to do was hope he'd understand.

I looked at the clock. He'd be here any minute now.

Another minute passed. Then two more. I went to my phone and connected to the speakers, turning on my short program music. Maybe he hadn't realized everyone had left yet. I started to run through my program, the melody carrying me away as it so often did. Before I knew it, the song was ending. The ending position of my music was on my knees, head bowed to the ground. When I looked up, I expected to see him watching. I hoped he'd be proud of how well I'd done it.

But the sidelines were empty. He still hadn't come.

My chest rose and fell rapidly. Don't let this affect you, Zhenya, I told myself. And then I told my brain to shut up, and took off down the ice with long, determined strokes towards the wall. I slammed the button for the Zamboni gate, and then looked around inside for the button for the outside gate. I barely knew where it was--it had always been Yuzu who pushed it. Finally I found it, and as the door rolled open, I rushed down the ramp to the outside, around the corner.

The lot was empty. He was gone.

Defeated, I went home. The bus was empty, too, which only added to the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Was it because of the unsaid words always left hanging on my lips or the feelings that I always pushed down deep inside my heart? Today had not gone the way I intended. But there was always tomorrow.

But Yuzu wasn't there the next day, either. I couldn't ask anyone where he was. I didn't want anyone to know I was looking for him.

After the third day, my resolve was crumbling. I texted him.

"Where are you?"

He never replied. Something was wrong. And the fact that he hadn't responded only confirmed that it must have to do with me. I pushed myself even harder the rest of the day, letting the frustration building up inside of me fuel my energy to work harder.

But that night after everyone was gone, I found myself drawn back to the ice. I knew he wouldn't be here, but I was desperate for something that felt like him. And this ice was where I felt him the most.

I started the music and closed my eyes. He'd given me advice on nearly every part of my programs, and I found myself repeating his words in my head as I worked through my elements.

"Bend deeper with your knee here."

"Watch the extension of your arm in this turn."

"Count backwards with the rhythm of the music from here... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... jump! and land exactly with the music."

I imagined his form alongside of me, his hands moving my arms into position the way he so often had. I could almost feel his presence. It was like he was here with me.

But he wasn't.

I ended the song on my knees, and this time when I bowed my head, deep, racking sobs shook through me. Maybe he never would be again.

You're not as strong as you think you are, Zhenya, my thoughts taunted me. You thought you could keep your feelings locked inside and still be okay, but you can't. You think you can take control, but you can't. You miss him. You love him. You need him. But he's gone.

Why was it that the things I wanted most were always just outside my reach? Whether it was the gold medal or the boy I loved, they had been so close that I could touch them, and then they were pulled mercilessly away. Being so close was what made losing them so hard. Maybe this was just my destiny in life.

I looked up, across the rink to the sidelines. I had to keep going. I had to overcome this. And slowly, I felt my empty heart hardening like the ice beneath me.

Chapter Text

I stepped off the ice after our group warmup the next day. Yuzu still hadn't shown up or texted me back, but today, I didn't care.

And now it was time for the elite skaters to run through their programs. Gabby was up first. Her program was coming together well, and I could see improvements in her skating skills since the Olympics. In fact, she ran through her program without a mistake. The whole group watching cheered as she finished the routine, and Brian and Tracy reached up together and rang the bell for her--that meant she had been perfect. I felt a competitive spark light up in me, and I started forward for my turn.

"Just a sec, Evgenia," Brian stopped me, putting his hand out. "Yuzu's on the schedule next."

Everyone began to look around, as Yuzu was nowhere in sight. But somehow, my heart rate increasing, my eyes were drawn to the rink entrance, as if I could sense him coming. Was he? And then, as if on cue, the doors banged open and he walked in. Chills ran through me. It wasn't just the fact that I hadn't seen him for days. It was his face, his walk, his aura. Everything about him was intense, commanding the attention of the entire rink. It was his game face, a look that could probably kill someone. He walked past me, and I was shocked to see his dark eyes drift briefly over me. But then he looked forward, letting his bag drop to the ground and unzipping his jacket. And then, one by one, he slipped off his blade guards and took the ice.

No, he attacked the ice. With a fury I had somehow forgotten he had. Element after element was flawless, mesmerizingly perfect, casting a spell over the riveted group of onlookers. I knew his layout--I'd been with him as he'd worked on it night after night--but watching it all together like this, it was different, magical, spectacular. And then I blinked. No, it really was different. I saw him turn, and build speed, and I held my breath, unable to believe what I thought my eyes were seeing. And then, with everyone watching, he did it. The quad axel.

My brain barely registered the applause that exploded around me. I just stared at him, dazed.

And then before I could even wrap my thoughts around the whole thing, his program was ending and he was coming off the ice. Brian was ringing the bell. Everyone was congratulating him.

"You're up next, Evgenia," Tracy patted me on the back.

"No pressure," Jason joked from behind her, and I gave him a smile that was more like a grimace. No seriously, how was I supposed to go after that? But that competitive fire was still burning inside of me. Two gold medalists had just gone before me and had given their best. Now it was time to show my best. I had failed at a lot of things lately, but I wasn't going to fail at this. Not now.

I glided into my starting position, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him watching, standing alongside the coaches. And then my music started, and my program came to life. Everything he'd taught me came together, and my body moved effortlessly through the elements. And then, the moment came. I had to decide. Now or never. I had to prove to him--to everyone--what I could do. My heart pounding, I changed my footwork. I bent deep, and leaned into the outside edge...and landed a perfect triple lutz. No flat edge, no flutz--just...perfect.

This time when I looked up from my knees at the end, he was looking back at me from the sidelines. But his ashen face was not what I had expected or hoped for. Shouldn't he have been proud of me? He was the one who had worked so long with me on that--surely he hadn't meant for me to keep it a secret forever. Even his quad axel wasn't a secret now. But instead of looking happy for me, he looked stunned, and he was shaking his head. A confused feeling flitted through me, but I had to keep my face from showing it--everyone was watching.

The bell rang for me, and everyone was clapping. I stepped off the ice, but as people surrounded me to hug me and congratulate me, I suddenly I heard his voice close to me, a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear it.

"What have you done?"

I looked up at him.

"He knows."

My stomach dropped to the floor. And then I saw Yuzu's eyes move beyond me, behind me. I turned slowly, following his gaze... to Brian.

Brian's eyes were darting back and forth between us again.

"Both of you. In my office, right now."

Chapter Text

"Explain yourself."

I glanced at Yuzu sitting in the chair opposite me at Brian's desk, wondering if he knew the words Brian had just said to us were the same ones my mother had said just a few days ago. I hadn't lied to her then, and I couldn't lie to Brian now.

Yuzu had helped me with the lutz, weeks ago. I'd begged him to for days before he finally gave in. But even he hadn't known I could do it perfectly until just now. I don't know what possessed me to do it. Maybe the competitiveness in me just drove it out, or maybe it was another desperate attempt to prove to myself--and to him--that I didn't need him anymore. Either way, there was no getting around it now. We'd both gone against Brian's advice--his advice to me to wait until I was stronger after hurting my wrist, and his advice to Yuzu to... what was it that he didn't want Yuzu to do?

"Well?" Brian was waiting for one of us to say something.

I leaned forward to answer, but suddenly Yuzu caught my hand under the desk and gave it a hard squeeze. I frowned. So he didn't want me to say anything. What difference could it make now?

"What exactly do you mean?" Yuzu asked calmly.

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes.

"Do you expect me to believe she fixed her flutz all on her own?" Brian asked.

My temper flared. "Are you saying I couldn't have?" I interjected.

"If you could have, you would have before you got here. Please don't see that as an insult," Brian said gently, and I leaned back, a little diffused. "I'm holding Yuzu responsible here, not you." He looked at Yuzu and paused. "I know you know exactly what I'm talking about, Yuzu."

I saw the muscle in Yuzu's jaw working again.

Guilt suddenly washed over me as I watched the interaction between the two. I have to respect Brian, Yuzu had told me ages ago. The disappointment in Brian's eyes and the bleakness in Yuzu's told me everything--I was the cause of Yuzu breaking the trust they had spent years establishing. My rash, bull-headed move had been selfish and destructive. What had I been thinking?

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to help her. She needs it this season if she wants to--"

"Damn it, Yuzu. I could care less about the actual flutz," Brian interrupted, suddenly raising his voice.

Yuzu shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and I suddenly caught on to Brian's meaning. He meant... us.

"What am I supposed to say if the other skaters find out about you two? What if the press catches on? You two don't even have proper agents to deal with this mess. And have you considered what would happen to the reputation of the club?"

I stood up suddenly, my heart pumping. I couldn't have Brian yelling at Yuzu like this. Not when it was my fault.

"This isn't what you think it is. We're just friends," I blurted.

Brian frowned, and then he looked at Yuzu. I whipped my head around to see Yuzu sitting in the chair, looking straight back at Brian. Were those... tears... in his eyes?

"So... you didn't tell her," Brian said softly.

My whole body felt cold as I looked back and forth between the two men. "Tell me... what?"

Yuzu stood up so abruptly the chair he had been sitting in toppled over, clattering with a loud noise after him. "Excuse me," he said, and his voice sounded like he was choking. Before I could even think, he was out the door, leaving me to stare after him in total bewilderment.

"Will somebody please tell me what is going on?" I burst out in frustration.

Brian closed his eyes and rubbed his temples like he had a splitting headache. "You kids are going to kill me," he muttered. He waved me away with the back of his hand, eyes still closed. "Go. Go talk to him."

I shook my head incredulously, but I obeyed, bolting out the door after Yuzu. But he was already gone. I ran down the hallways, looking for him. He was nowhere to be found. And then I stopped in my tracks. I knew where he was.

I pushed open the door to the library on the VIP floor quietly, and my eyes instantly found him, on the floor underneath the bookshelves. His head hung between his upright knees, and in that crumpled, folded shape, I couldn't help but think of how oddly small he looked in comparison to the towering expanse of books above him. It was a striking contrast to the powerful form that had descended upon the ice just a few minutes earlier.

"I know it's true, but I hate hearing you say it," he said softly.

I walked over to him, sitting down beside him. "What?"

"That we're just friends."

My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. Everything stopped. WHAT did he just say?

"I thought I could do this. I thought I could keep everything inside, until that night. That night I could see I'd pushed you too far again. And now look what I've done. You're so far away I'll never reach you."

His words barely registered in my head as it kicked back into gear, flipping into overdrive as I tried to connect everything together. And then suddenly I felt a burst of energy charge through me and I leapt to my feet, whirling around to face him. A million emotions clashed in my heart, but the one I felt the most was the one I'd felt the longest--since the beginning. Frustration.

"Is THAT what you didn't tell me?" I yelled, my whole body shaking. "That you like me?"

He stood up quickly. "No, I don't like you." He moved closer to me, and I stared at him, my heart beating so loudly I was sure he could hear it. "I love you, Zhenya."

He loves me.

I felt my knees weaken, and he caught me by both of my arms.

"I didn't want you to know. Or maybe I did. I don't know."

"Your room," I breathed out.

He let go of me. "I know you saw everything. I was going to tell you that night. I was already to Gabby's house when I realized it would be a mistake."

"A mistake?"

"It's just like you said. I knew you didn't... that you don't...feel that way about me."

My eyes widened, and my mind flashed back to that moment in the rain, when I'd pulled my hand out of his, when I rejected his offer of coming home, when I'd told him not to say things to me, when I told him I wouldn't meet him at the rink anymore. The realization crashed into me like my body hitting the ice after a fall.

He didn't know. He thought... he thought I didn't love him.

"That's not what I meant," I shook my head. "How could you think... Gabby even told you."

He frowned. "What does Gabby know? She makes up stuff just to make people do what she wants."

My heart pounded as I opened my mouth, still scared to say the words. "She was right, though."

His dark eyes blinked and suddenly they were searching mine deeper than they ever had before. The longer he looked at me like that, the more I felt the heat rising in my body, flushing my face. "What are you saying?" he whispered.

I could barely find enough air in my lungs to whisper back. I looked away, just to have the courage to speak. "What do you think I'm saying?"

He stepped closer to me, and my head reeled with his nearness. And then his hand reached up and took hold of my face, turning my gaze back to him. His other hand slipped around my waist, and the electricity of his fingers on my body was enough to make me lightheaded. I closed my eyes, trembling. Even in my dreams, I'd never imagined that him touching me this way would make me feel like this. It was then that I realized he was breathing fast, too. How was it possible that he wanted me as much as I wanted him right now? I could feel him leaning in to me, his hand moving my face towards his. It was like I was in a dreamy fog, a cloud that was wrapping around us and pressing us nearer to each other, closer, and closer. We were so close--

And then I stepped back. The cloud shattered.

"We can't."

He looked stunned for a second, and then his chest heaved and his arm went around me again, this time more aggressively. "Do you know how long I've waited to kiss you?" he whispered, his voice almost desperate.

His words made my head spin, and I felt my body giving in, responding to his touch as he pulled me in close again. His lips brushed my cheek, sending shivers down into my core. Everything about him was making me go crazy with desire. It took all my willpower to pull away again.

"What about Brian?"

He looked down at me, blinking hard as if to clear his brain for my question. "He knows how I feel. I told him before you came. He told me to keep my distance, to wait, until you were older, until we retired. But I was never very good at waiting," he said, and the next instant he was pulling me back to him again.

This time I had to push him away with both hands.

"You said something to Gabby, too. And you said it to me that night in your room."

His shoulders finally fell and he stepped back. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling, then back at me, swallowing hard.

"You said that you couldn't love anyone," I said. "That everyone is depending on you. That you can't always have what you want."

He looked like I'd punched him in the gut. "You have a very good memory," he said, his teeth gritted.

I hated myself for that. But I had just spent the last three days convincing myself of all the reasons why we could never be together. And now I was supposed to disregard all of that?

"How can I forget who we are?" I asked brokenly. "You're Yuzuru Hanyu, two-time Olympic gold medalist, king of the ice, pride of Japan, and I'm.... I'm only Evgenia Medvedeva...silver medalist."

"That's just your name," he said, shaking his head. "To me, you're the girl I love."

I closed my eyes again, but I couldn't stop a tear from escaping. It was everything I'd always wanted to hear, but just like always, it was something I couldn't have.

"You're braver than this," he said, moving closer to me again. "Isn't that why you're going to wear that dress, to prove that you're not what they say you are?"

"Isn't that why you have those gold medals on your desk, to remind yourself that you are everything they say you are?" I returned bitterly. Tears were spilling down my cheeks now.

"They're there to remind me that I won't let anything stop me from going after my dreams," he said, reaching up and brushing the tears from my face.

But I flinched at his touch this time, and he stopped. I could see pain in his eyes. I'd caused it. I hated that. But how was there any other way?

"I'm not going to give up on you, Evgenia Medvedeva," he said. "Not now. If you make me wait, I will. You know where I'll be."

Chapter Text

I stayed in the library for a long time after he left, crying. The cruelty of the situation weighed over me, pressing me into the floor where I'd crumpled into a heap. Yuzuru Hanyu loved me, and I still couldn't have him. What made it worse was how he hadn't even stopped to consider all the ramifications before... almost... kissing me. Why was this awful burden falling on me?

Suddenly I sat up. Since when did Yuzu not think everything through, meticulously, before doing something? Maybe there was a way that we could be together.

And then I slapped myself back into reality. Yuzu was like that when he was putting together a skating program, when he was answering questions at a press conference. Who knew what he was like when it came to... feelings? The way he'd kept reaching for me just now had been impetuous, willfull. I leaned back against the wall of books and closed my eyes, drowning in the memory of the way we'd been before, our hearts on fire, standing inches away from what we both wanted. Could I really live with the reality that I hadn't let him kiss me? Would I regret that my entire life? No, it wasn't just a kiss that I'd rejected. It was him. Would I regret THAT my entire life? I knew, deep down inside of me, that I always would.

I heard the sound of my own sobs filling the library. I hated this. Why had I even come here, to Canada? I thought I had come to take control of my life, of my destiny, to break free from the oppression of people telling me what to do and how to live, to become stronger and better. And here I was, still chained by my fears.

I slowly got a hold of myself, drying my tears with the back of my hand. And then, I found my eyes drawn to the window, to the sight of the day dying in the western sky.

And then somehow, by some force, I found myself outside the doors to the ice rink. Like he'd said, I knew where he would be. It took forever for the rink to empty out today, and I did my best to lurk in the shadows of the hallway, turning slightly whenever anyone exited the doors, so no one I knew would notice me waiting. Was this what he went through every day as he waited for me?

Finally there was no one else coming out. The hallway lights even dimmed as they always did to save electricity after hours. Everyone was gone. I dropped my bag, put my skates on. And still, I paced in front of the doors, unable to open them. Finally I reached out. My hand lingered on the handle, and then I dropped it. And then I reached for it again, a tiny shred of hope in me that somehow the person on the other side would have the answers to the questions in my heart.

I took a deep breath, and pulled the door open just enough for me to slip through. And then I stopped, startled. The lights were off--it was dark. My heart sunk. I'd waited too long. He'd already left. I turned to go, dejected, but then I suddenly heard a sound and turned back. It was the sound of the lights turning on, but not all the lights, just the tracking spotlights, just like during an ex. Brian had got them installed recently so we could practice in different lighting. I'd never seen them before, and the way they lit up the ice was breathtaking. As much as I loved competitions, with the audience in full view, I loved the spotlight of exhibitions and the way you could feel like you were part of a private moment, getting a secret look into who a skater really was. There was no judging under the spotlights. The lights shone for the person on the ice alone.

And then as I stood spellbound by the lights, I suddenly heard music. (Re-Write the Stars - right-click and open in new tab) And then I saw him glide into the circle of light, glowing beams illuminating his exquisite form.

You know I want you / It's not a secret I try to hide

My stomach turned over. I knew the song.

I know you want me / So don't keep saying our hands are tied

The words sent a shiver through me, and my eyes followed him as if they were locked onto him like the tracking spotlight.

You claim it's not in the cards / Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me / But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide / That you're my destiny?

He jumped a triple loop and it was like he carried all my hopes with him into the air. But he landed the jump perfectly. He was dazzling me, drawing me in, like he always did. Each spin, each element that he put together was flawless, timed to the music like he'd been skating to this his whole life.

What if we rewrite the stars? / Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart / You'd be the one I was meant to find
It's up to you, and it's up to me / No one can say what we get to be
So why don't we rewrite the stars? / Maybe the world could be ours tonight

I stepped onto the ice, in the shadows. And then the sensors picked up on me, flooding me with light.

You think it's easy / You think I don't want to run to you

He was at a standstill on the ice, his face stunned as I circled around him. He hadn't known I was there. I knew he hadn't expected me to come.

But there are mountains / And there are doors that we can't walk through

He reached for me, but I skated just out of his grasp.

I know you're wondering why / Because we're able to be
Just you and me / Within these walls
But when we go outside / You're going to wake up and see
That it was hopeless after all

And then, as if I being propelled through the air with a force outside myself, I landed a triple loop of my own.

He was skating with me now, and just like that one day, long ago, when he'd come to talk to me and skated with me and our lines had synchronized as if by design, we were spinning in unison, then flying across the ice, moving together as one.

No one can rewrite the stars / How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart / And I'm not the one you were meant to find

He'd been able to anticipate every move of mine then, and now it was me who could sense everything he was going to do next. The feeling was mind bending, exhilarating.

It's not up to you, it's not up to me / When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars? / Say that the world can be ours tonight

All I want is to fly with you

He was pulling me into a spin together with him. I'd never done this with anyone before, and now we were spinning together like it was the easiest thing in the world.

All I want is to fall with you

I was out of my own control, yet I'd never felt so grounded.

So just give me all of you

We separated, the ice taking us farther away from each other.

It feels impossible (it's not impossible)

But even across the ice, it was like I could still see into his mind.

Is it impossible? (say that it's possible)

And then, we jumped the triple lutz, in perfect symmetry. I had never felt anything so magical in my life. It almost didn't seem real. This had to be right. We had to be right.

He reached out for my hand, and this time, I placed it in his and we danced across the ice together, the music carrying both of us away. I'm yours, my thoughts whispered. Take me anywhere.

How do we rewrite the stars? / Say you were made to be mine?
Nothing can keep us apart / 'Cause you are the one I was meant to find
It's up to you and it's up to me / No one can say what we get to be
Why don't we rewrite the stars? / Changing the world to be ours

The music quieted, we came together once again, and he looked into my eyes as he drew me to a stop, his hands on my waist. I was ready for anything he would do.

And then, a loud bang broke through the music. I froze, and Yuzu hurriedly reached into his pocket to turn off the song. We both knew that sound. We heard it a hundred times a day. It had been the door of the rink.

Someone had been there. Someone had been watching us. I suddenly felt like I was hyperventilating. Everything felt numb. I was panicking, everything Brian had said about the danger of people finding out about us rushing through my mind, suffocating me. Yuzu caught my hand.

"Zhenya," he said softly, earnestly.

I slowly shook my head, backing away from him. And then I turned and fled from the ice.

Outside the doors, I leaned back against them, breathing hard. And then my eyes fell on my bag. I'd left it out here, for anyone walking by to see. How could I have been so stupid? I snatched it off the ground angrily, and blankly went through the process of taking off my skates. And then I stopped. I couldn't just walk out now. What if I ran into whoever it had been?

I turned and looked down the hallway, two doors down to the left. It was the only way out.

Tears stung my eyes as I pushed my way into the Zamboni closet. Darkness enveloped me, and I blindly felt my way along the wall, still not sure where the light switch was, even after all this time. And then my hands touched... him.

"Stop looking for the light, Zhenya."

I dropped my bag, melting at the sound of his voice.

"I told you I'm not giving up on you. It doesn't matter what happens, who sees us."

"How can you be so sure of this?" I cried desperately.

"I'm not," he said, frustration apparent in his voice, but then it grew quiet again. "But if I don't try, I'll regret it the rest of my life."

I closed my eyes, even though I didn't need to in the darkness, letting his words, so similar to my anguished thoughts in the library, seep into me. We had to try, didn't we? I reached out to him, my hand finding his chest. He reacted immediately, reaching out for me and pulling me close, wrapping me up in his arms. The darkness made the sensation of his body touching mine even more thrilling than before, if that was possible, and I buried my face in his chest, letting his warmth soak into me. This was where I belonged.

"There has to be a way," I breathed. "Tell me there's a way."

"We'll find it together," he whispered back, and then, slowly, I felt him kissing my forehead. It was sweeter than I could bear. How could he be this way?

But then his lips were on my temple, and then they grazed the hollow of my cheek again, and I could feel his grip on me tightening, his breathing faster and harder. Every nerve in my body was reacting to him, making me want him more than I thought humanely possible. Just kiss me.

But he was hesitating.

"Are you going to push me away this time?" he asked, his voice gentle and low.

He was waiting for me.

"I'm not pushing you away, Yuzu," I answered softly.

I heard him draw in a breath, and then the next second, his lips finally met mine. He was kissing me, softly and tentatively at first, and then stronger and deeper, his hand reaching up to my neck and drawing me closer to him. It was almost like I could feel all of the emotions he'd been keeping pent up inside releasing through his body, and in the same moment, I suddenly surrendered all of my own tension and kissed him back with everything I had.

He quickly pulled away, and let go of me. I almost panicked again, wondering if I'd done something wrong, but then all of a sudden the lights came on. His hand was still on the switch, and he was looking at me like I'd shocked him. And then he reached for me again and swiftly spun me around, pushing me back into the wall where he'd been, diving back in to kiss me more.

"Yuzu," I said, pulling away breathlessly after a few more seconds of dizzying kisses. The glimpses I'd stolen of him kissing me in the light were intoxicating me to levels I could barely handle. Not in a million years had I ever dreamed he could be like this. 

He paused, and I could see his eyes closed, his skin flushed. And then he opened his eyes to look at me. "You make me crazy," he whispered. And then, he smiled.

I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen him smile. I blushed even more than I already had been, knowing I was actually the reason for his smile, and looked down, smiling shyly.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" he whispered, coming close to me again. "Too beautiful to be kissed in a place like this," he laughed a little, stopping himself and looking around the stark, industrial room. "It would have been better in the library."

I laughed. He was always trying to fix things. "It was perfect here."

"You're perfect," he said, and without warning he picked me up off the ground, twirling me around, his eyes lit up like stars.

"I'm not," I said as he put me down.

He nodded. "I know. But you're perfect to me."

I looked at him, wondering how I deserved to be loved by someone this amazing. But at the same time, now that I was out of his arms, I felt my brain turning back on, starting to question what would happen next.

His hand closing around mine brought me back to him.

"Let's get out of here," he whispered, and I nodded, finding assurance in his eyes.

There would be time for questions later.

Chapter Text

Yuzu's hand stopped mine as I reached for the car door handle in the dimly lit parking lot. I looked up at him, and he shook his head. And then he opened the back seat door.

I stared at him, appalled at his suggestion. "Yuzu."

He laughed. "I'm not going to try anything. I just want to hold you while we talk."

My eyes narrowed skeptically, but I couldn't help but smile. I didn't want to be apart from him either.

And so we crawled into the back seat, shutting the door behind us. We sat for a moment next to each other, neither of us saying anything. And then, my stomach full of butterflies, I dared to look over at him.

"Just kidding," he said. "I still want to kiss you."

This was dangerous, wasn't it? But the way he was looking at me was irresistible, and I couldn't stop myself from going to him. I could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly as he pulled me into the corner of the car with him, more of our bodies in contact than ever before. His mouth covered mine, and the sound of his breathing and his lips between kisses here in the car was enough to make me feel faint again. He kept pulling me tighter, like he wanted to make up for the distance that had separated us for so long, and his lips kept begging me to kiss him deeper, like he wanted us both to feel everything we'd been holding back all this time. And then his hands moved from my waist and explored my back, my arms, my body, and I thought I was going to lose my mind.

When we pulled apart, he was out of breath, his forehead broken out in a sweat. "How are you doing this to me?" he whispered, brushing my cheek with the back of his fingers.

"I thought we were going to talk," I said, smiling softly at him.

"Mmm," he nodded, and settled me back into his chest so I was leaning, almost laying, on him. "There's stuff to talk about, sou da ne?"

I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat for a moment, still a little unable to believe I was actually here.

"Like how can we be together?" I said, timidly.

"We're together just fine right now," he said, and even though I couldn't see his face right now, I could hear he was smiling.

"I mean, how can we actually be together and no one know?"

"Tessa and Scott do it."

I scoffed. "They're not actually together."

"That's what you think."

I leaned back, staring at him. "What?"

"See?" He grinned. "We can be ice dancers. I dance, and you dance. It's perfect," he said. "And then I can do anything I want with you in front of everyone."

I shook my head. "You're crazy," I laughed at him.

"I told you you make me crazy," he laughed, and then his eyes changed and he kissed me again.

I had another question, though. "How long have you liked me?"

He looked at me seriously. "A long time. I don't even know when it started." He turned me again to snuggle back down into his arms. "I thought you were cute even when you were a junior. Of course I told myself I was just impressed with you. You were amazing to watch. But then we got to be friends, and then... well... you grew up."

I blushed.

"I don't let myself get close to a lot of people," he said. I knew that. "But I could never stop myself with you. You're the best friend I've ever had."

"What about Javi?"

He smiled. "Javi, too, but he was also my competition."

"You said I was going to be your competition here."

"You really do have a good memory, don't you?" he laughed. "Mm, yes, you challenge me. But that was more of a challenge to myself to make myself stay away from you. I guess I lost." He looked down at me, and his eyes were shining. "I don't mind losing like this." And then he turned, moving me somehow so I was in the corner now. "I can't ever stay away from you," he whispered. And then I felt his weight come down over me, and he kissed me til we both couldn't breathe anymore.

"It's getting late. I should take you home," he finally said, brushing back my hair that I was sure was a mess by now, even in a ponytail. My lips were still tingling from the pressure of his kisses, but I somehow managed to respond.

"Mine or yours?" I teased.

He grinned. "Yours, baka."

I shook my head. "My mom knows when you bring me home. She can see online if I ride the bus or not."

"Then I'll take you home on the bus," he said.

I saw him checking our surroundings as we got out of the car, and I lowered my head as I tried to smooth my hair. He hadn't really answered my question as to how things were going to be now, but regardless I knew no one should ever see us getting out of the back of his car.

"It's fine, there's no one here," he said, glancing over at me. "Come on."

We crossed the road to the bus stop, and as we stood separately underneath the covering, I saw him looking sidelong at me.

"It feels weird, outside, doesn't it?" he said.

"What are we actually going to do?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I said we'll figure it out together. Let's think about it tonight. When we can actually think straight," he smiled at me.

I smiled back at him and nodded. Just then the bus arrived, and I saw Yuzu's eyes scanning the seats. It was empty, by some miracle. And so we got on. We took our seats as the vehicle moved forward, and then, he reached over and held my hand, his fingers slipping between mine. My heart fluttered. Even after all those kisses, why did this simple thing feel so incredible? I stared at our interlocked fingers, wondering how this had possibly happened. And then I blinked and looked at his hand again.

"What is this?"

I reached over with my other hand, touching a black hair tie around his wrist. How was it that I hadn't noticed this before?

"It's yours. You left it in my room."

I'd forgotten. And now he was wearing it?

"It was the only part of you I could keep with me while I was at the other rink these last few days."

I looked up at him incredulously, and then with a soft sigh, I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. He really did feel everything he said he did, didn't he?

The bus was slowing down all too soon at my stop. I reluctantly slipped my hand out of his, leaning down for my bag on the floor. But then he caught my arm, and I looked up at him. He looked like he wanted to kiss me again, but he couldn't, not here, not...outside.

He reached forward and took my chin in his hand, making my stomach flip flop. He wouldn't, would he? His eyes were on my lips and I held my breath, waiting. But his thumb just slid across my mouth, which somehow felt just as much as any kiss he'd given me.

"Ahem," I heard the bus driver clearing his throat loudly.

Yuzu didn't seem to notice or care.

"I love you, Evgenia," he whispered, and the way he said my name like that made me want to die from happiness. But I had to tear myself from him, getting up and running past the impatient driver as I dismounted the bus.

Outside, I looked up at him as the bus took him away. He was looking out the window back at me, and he kept looking at me until we were out of each other's sight. I stood there for a long moment, biting my lip, trying but unable to keep a smile from spreading across my face.

I couldn't stop smiling all the way home.

My mother looked up from her spot on the couch as I walked in. I tried to hide my smile, but I couldn't.

"You're home," she said.

"Da," I returned, finally swallowing back the smile.

"Why do you look like that?"

I froze, terrified, wondering if I hadn't salvaged my hair well enough. "What do you mean?"

"Why were you smiling like that?"

I mentally breathed a sigh of relief. "I just had a good day at the rink, that's all." Better than I could have imagined.

Her eyebrows raised.

"I got my triple lutz," I added quickly.

She nodded slowly. "That's good. I'm happy for you, Janny."

"Thanks," I said, and turned to my room.

"Did you eat?" she called after me.

"It's too late to eat," I called over my shoulder. I wasn't hungry anyway.

I closed my door and flopped onto my bed, my smile back again.

And then my phone buzzed.

My eyes flew open and I reached for the phone. He was calling me?

"Did you reach home safely?" His voice sounded wonderful even on the phone.

"Mmhmm. Did you?"

I heard him clear his throat. "I haven't ridden the bus in a while. I forgot I can't get back to TCC this way. I had to get off and catch another one going back the other way."

I laughed out loud and then immediately covered my mouth, hoping my mother hadn't heard me.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock at my door.

"Zhenya?"

"I have to go," I whispered and quickly hung up the phone.

"At least have some fruit," she said when I opened the door. I took the bowl she offered and tried my best to act nonchalant, but my stomach felt queasy as I saw her slightly glance over my shoulder to the phone on my bed.

"Thanks," I said to her softly, and she suddenly kissed my head, surprising me. My mother was never very affectionate.

"Good night, Zhenya."

"Good night, Mama," I said. The door shut between us and I felt a pang of guilt. I wished I didn't have to hide my happiness from her. But how could I tell her when I knew what her reaction would be?

I lay back down on the bed again. My thoughts swirled with uncertainty. But then I closed my eyes again, and all I could see was Yuzu's face--and my lips curved into a smile as I let myself replay the things that had happened today.

My phone buzzed again. I felt around my bed for the phone, not wanting to stop my daydream just yet. But then I opened my eyes and looked at the message.

"Come downstairs."

It was from him. What was he doing here? I stared at the text for a second, then squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. It was still there. It was real.

"Give me a couple minutes," I typed back quickly.

A few minutes later I peeked through the crack of my open door, across the living room. There was no light under my mother's bedroom door. She couldn't be asleep already though, could she? I bit my lip hesitantly, and then I told myself to just do it. I tiptoed out of my room, and somehow made it out the apartment without a sound.

I stopped in my tracks when I made it down the stairs. He was leaning against the wall of the breezeway, on his phone, and when he saw me, he looked up.

"This is a dream," I heard myself saying.

He came towards me, his form backlit by the parking lot lights, and the sight was too beautiful, too familiar.

My chest tightened, making it hard to breathe, and I was almost on the verge of crying. "It was all a dream, wasn't it?"

But then he frowned and rushed forward, sweeping me into his arms. "What are you saying?"

I clung to him desperately, still unable to believe my senses. "You're here? It's really you this time?"

He leaned back, arms still around me, and a smile was spreading across his face. "Did you dream about this before?"

I looked away. "No," I lied, embarrassed.

He nuzzled his nose into me, laughing a little. "What did you dream about?" he whispered.

I pulled away and just looked up at him, saying nothing. He looked me over for a long second, and then shook his head. "Mm, if I kiss you again, I'll never be able to leave."

I pouted a little, and I saw him start to lean in. And then he looked away, grinning. "Ah, you're hard to resist."

"Why did you come then?"

"I couldn't pass your stop again without getting off," he said. "I forgot to tell you good night."

My heart fluttered and I bit my lip. He'd come here just for that?

"Oyasumi," he whispered in my ear, and then let go of me, backing away.

I swallowed. There was something I hadn't said, too.

"Yuzu," I said softly, and he stopped, looking at me. My stomach somersaulted, over and over, and then I said it, my voice barely a whisper.

"I love you."

I'd never seen him smile like that before. I always wanted to make him smile like that.

"You're just trying to get me to kiss you," he said.

"Maybe," I said. But I wasn't. I just wanted him to know.

He backed away, squinting his eyes at me and shaking his finger at me as if to scold me. And then he disappeared around the corner. I backed into the breezeway wall, smiling like a crazy person. He was better than any dream.

Chapter Text

I fidgeted nervously with my gloves out on the ice the next morning, wishing we'd come up with some kind of plan for how today was going to go. Yuzu wasn't here yet, which was odd, and I was even more oddly terrified of seeing him again. Yesterday had been a blur, a dream, a fantasy, and now we were back to work--real life... what was that, again? And what if real life didn't work? It felt like Brian, and maybe even Tracy, were watching me, and even though we'd barely talked about it, the undeniable fact that someone had seen us was still a niggling worry in the back of my head, too.

Yuzu walked in right before the stroking class was going to start. Seeing him across the rink, from a distance like this, it was suddenly inconceivable to me how he could possibly be the same guy who'd confessed to me and then kissed me for an hour in the back seat of his car yesterday. He still looked like Yuzuru Hanyu to me. And his eyes didn't look my way, not even once, not even slightly. A bit of sadness pinched at me. So, we were back to normal. I tried my best to keep my eyes off of him as well, although my task got harder when he took a spot in the group not too far in front of me again. At least my view was more than satisfactory, I thought, and then had to suppress a smirk.

Tracy finished her announcements and then went over what we'd be working on today. And then the class started.

"Ugh, who picked the music today?" Jason groaned at my left. (Link to the song Perfect if you want to listen)

"Shut up, it's Tracy's playlist," Gabby admonished him. "Some people LIKE Ed Sheeran, okay?"

I rolled my eyes, totally oblivious to the music til he'd said something. It was a different type of song than we normally listened to here, but it wasn't like I really cared what music played during a class. Whatever. But then I listened again. What were these words? I had heard this song on the radio, of course, but I had never listened to it like this.

And then my eyes drifted over to him, and my heart skipped a beat.


We were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
Darling just kiss me slow
Your heart is all I own
And in your eyes you're holding mine


And then, he took off his glove--just one of them. I hung my head down to hide my smile. He was still wearing my hair tie. The way he'd pulled his glove off so intentionally just now, it was like he wanted me to see it. He couldn't possibly have made this song play for me...could he? He pulled off the second glove.

But there were too many lines that were right, even the word perfect--that's what he had said to me in the Zamboni room. I shook my head. Is this what being in love did to you? Made you think that every love song was written for you?

The second verse made my heart pound even harder. No, he couldn't have possibly played this, he couldn't possibly have meant all that. It was too much. I tried to concentrate on the class, but then I glanced over at him as we turned around on the ice. He looked at me, just for a second, and it was like all the butterflies in the world had taken off in my stomach.


We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds
I know we'll be all right this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I'll be your man
I see my future in your eyes


I couldn't ever remember my heart ever feeling this full.


Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful
I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight


The song eventually died away and class continued, and after that, he didn't look my way again. Yesterday had just been a rush of emotions from finding out how we both felt, I told myself. I couldn't expect that much today. We both had things to do today, and I plodded through my schedule as best as I could. Even still, I couldn't help but check my phone to see if I'd missed a call or if he'd messaged me. There was never anything there, though, and I felt discouragement settling over me.

But then, halfway through the afternoon, I suddenly found myself being pulled into a dark, empty hallway, my lips being kissed by a tall, dark-haired Japanese boy. I hadn't even known he was around, and now out of nowhere, he was here, trapping me between his body and the wall, kissing me like it had been sixteen days since he'd kissed me instead of sixteen hours. My head brought up the fact that this was even more dangerous than last night in his car, but my heart was flooding with relief after the fear I'd harbored all day that maybe yesterday was all just a fluke and I wouldn't see this part of him again. In the end, my heart won and I let him kiss me recklessly. In his arms, everything felt right again.

"What took you so long?" he whispered, moving from my mouth to kiss my face instead. "I waited for you here forever."

"So this is what you came up with? Wait for me in dark hallways like a stalker until I walk by?" I tried to tease him in order to recover from the head rush he'd just given me.

"I didn't know what else to do to see you. I've been missing you all day," he asked, leaning back and looking at me seriously.

"I thought we were supposed to think of a plan," I said quietly.

"I couldn't think last night. I couldn't even sleep. The only thing I could think about was how beautiful you are, and how you're mine now," he said softly. "Sorry if it's too much."

"Who said it was too much?" I asked, reaching up and slipping my arms around his neck. I could tell he liked that, but he only kissed me once softly, gently pulling my arms down from around him.

"You're right, though. I can't be doing this," he said. He took a deep breath, and then his hand slid down to mine, holding it for a second at arms length as he started to leave.

I suddenly tightened my hold on his hand, stopping him. "The song, earlier... was that you?"

He came back, a smile lighting up his face, his hands going around my waist. "Mmhmm."

I blushed crimson. It was possible that the things he did to my heart affected me more than the things he did to me physically.

"I wasn't sure if you'd know," he said.

I shook my head, staring at him. "Are you trying to make me fall even more in love with you or something?"

His eyes had disappeared he was grinning so much. "Mmhmm."

I rolled my eyes, even though I felt so happy I thought I'd burst. "Get out of here," I shoved him away.

Just then someone passed by, and he panicked, grabbing me and flipping me around so I couldn't be seen from the hallway. I snickered at how worried he was, considering how bold he'd been to drag me into a sequestered hallway.

He pulled away from me to look down at me, annoyed at the situation. "Okay. I have to think of something else."

"I'll try to think, too," I promised seriously.

"You're coming tonight, though, right?"

I nodded, and with that, he was gone.

A couple of hours later, I was back out on the empty ice, just like normal, trying to think through my layout, but thinking of Yuzu instead. I hoped he'd come up with an idea, because I had nothing. Every way I looked at our situation, things were still just as difficult as before, but I didn't want to say that to him. I didn't even want to admit it to myself.

But then suddenly I felt hands catch my waist from behind and spin me around. I almost screamed, but instead lost my balance, toppling to the ice, pulling Yuzu along with me. Of course he landed practically on top of me, which I'm sure he intended. He was laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world, which... was the cutest thing in the world.

And then he stopped laughing and looked at me laying on the ice, halfway under him. "You have...what are those called?" His finger poked at my cheekbones.

Dimples? They could barely be called that. I touched my face, feeling for them. I'd only seen them a few times myself, when I'd been smiling really big in a photo. I guess that's what he did to me.

"You're so cute," he said, grinning down at me, and just then I realized the ice was reflecting the light back up into his eyes. So he thought I was cute, but he was beautiful. How was that fair?

His face was serious now, and I closed my eyes, waiting for him to kiss me. But too much time passed and my eyes opened again. He was still looking at me.

"We can't get caught out here like this," he said, and he started to get up.

I frowned and grabbed his shirt. "I don't care," I blurted, and then blushed at myself, knowing how obvious it was that I wanted him so much.

"We have to care, if we want it to work." He pulled me up off the ice. "I want it to work, Zhenya."

I did, too. So we went to work. It'd been a long time since we'd had a legitimate training session together, and I'd forgotten how much I valued his insight into everything I did. He was ridiculously attentive to detail, and now he felt freer to touch me more than before, physically guiding me into making small changes that made a huge difference. He helped me so much more than I helped him, didn't he? I wished there was a way I could give him back what he'd given me.

"Your turn," I finally said. "We're always focusing on me. Don't you have things you want to work on?"

He nodded. "But I never mind focusing on you first."

I smiled. "Thanks," I said sincerely. And then I impulsively glided towards him and kissed him quickly.

His eyes widened in surprise. Was that the first time I'd kissed him first?

"Don't worry, no one saw that," I laughed.

He shook his head at me.

"Go, run through your routine," I jutted my chin out at him, and he looked at me for a long second before skating backwards away from me, then turning and starting to work while I watched him. I was horrified to see him totally crash on his first jump.

I skated fast towards him. "Are you okay?"

He glared up at me, but took my hand. "I'm fine. You're just..."

"What? Distracting?" I said, a coy smile playing on my lips.

"Extremely distracting," he said, smiling back, and I couldn't help but bite my lip. I remembered that, too.

So this is what we were now, a yo-yo, a teeter-totter, one of us struggling to concentrate on anything, while the other one made an attempt at being sensible. Although when it was Yuzu doing the wanting, it was mostly me giving in. And I really didn't mind.

The next thing I knew we were back in his car. He was gentle with me tonight, kissing me softly, thoroughly, like he wanted to appreciate every second we had.

I looked up at him when he stopped to take a breath.

"What?" he said, seeing me staring at him.

I lowered my eyes. "I love kissing you, but I wish there was more than this." I looked up again hesitantly.

He was smiling. "I can make that happen," he said, and suddenly he laid me completely down on the seat of the car, practically wrapping his leg around one of mine as he kissed me.

I instantly gasped for breath and pushed him off, trying to slow my skyrocketed heart rate. "That's not what I meant."

He grinned, but my glare sobered him.

"I know. I know." He lay down on his side next to me, but I noticed he was pushing himself into the back of the car, careful not to get too close this time.

I turned toward him. "Are we always going to have to sneak around, afraid of getting caught? Is this the only place we can be safe?"

He reached up and touched my face. "You know I don't want it to be this way."

"We still haven't figured out what we're going to do."

"I'm talking to Brian tomorrow."

I blinked. "You are?"

"I already scheduled a meeting with him. I'm sure he knows why."

"What will he say?"

"We'll see," he said. "We'll take one day at a time."

I stared at him, a mixture of hope and the overwhelming feeling of how amazing he was filling me completely.

"For now, just let me kiss you. I won't see you tomorrow."

It was Friday. I'd forgotten. How could I bear being away from him? He seemed to feel the same thing, his lips finding mine with more urgency. The feeling inside my heart paired with the feeling of him kissing me as we lay next to each other, even at a fairly respectable distance, was even more difficult to handle.

"Yuzu," I breathed out.

He paused. "Do you want me to stop?" he whispered.

"No," I said. "I just wanted to say your name."

He smiled and it was like my whole world was in that smile. And then, after he finished kissing me to his satisfaction, he just lay across from me, looking at me like I was his whole world, too.

"Do you know how much I love you?" he said softly, closing his eyes, and reaching down for my hand.

I stared at him for a long time, and then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard the song from this morning again and changed just one of the words.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And he looks perfect
I don't deserve this
You look perfect tonight.

Chapter Text

My eyes fluttered open slowly, and then I had to blink twice to realize where I was--still with Yuzu. He was sound asleep, but thanks to the shallow back seat, we'd drifted closer together as we'd slept, our lower legs loosely intertwined and his arm wrapped around my middle. I'd been upset the last time we'd woken up together, but this time I let myself admire him, just for a second, tracing his jawline, his neck, his collarbone with my eyes. He looked so peaceful, so content like this. But then the rest of my senses came back to me. Falling asleep here with each other was a terrible mistake, no matter how sweet it seemed right now.

"Yuzu," I whispered. I hated to wake him up--he'd said he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, either.

He stirred, and looked at me, a warm smile appearing as his eyelids opened and closed sleepily. And then his eyes flashed suddenly as he comprehended the situation. "Kuso."

He sat up quickly, pulling me up with him. "What time is it?"

"I don't know." My phone was dead.

He fumbled around to find his and then tossed it aside, grumbling in Japanese, when he found it was also off. His eyes shifted outside, looking at the sky. There was a hint of light on the horizon already.

A minute later, he was driving me home in silence, and I was having flashbacks to the last time he'd done this--was that just last weekend? How much had happened between then and now, I mused. Last time, my heart had been aching as I was preparing myself to say goodbye to him and get over him. This time, my heart should have been free to love him--so why was it still aching right now?

His voice broke through my thoughts. "You never told me. What happened last time?"

I clenched my teeth. He was thinking about the same thing I was--my mother. How could I tell him I'd promised her that I wouldn't let something like this happen?

"Zhenya."

I looked over at him.

"How bad was it?"

"This time will be worse," was all I could say, dropping my head.

"I'll come with you," he said suddenly.

"No."

"But this is my fault."

"It isn't. I fell asleep, too."

"It's my fault," he argued. "I was being selfish, keeping you with me."

I looked at him, and I saw the frustration written in lines on his forehead. He was always blaming himself. Everything I do makes things worse for you.

"I'll come," he repeated decisively.

"You can't. You don't know her. It has to be done the right way. And this... isn't the right way."

He pulled to a stop around the corner of my apartment, and then took a deep breath. He finally nodded, agreeing. "Let me know what happens."

"You, too. With Brian."

I turned to go, but suddenly my body felt inordinately heavy, and my lungs felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen in them. I knew I should have been reaching for the door handle right now, but I couldn't even lift my hand.

"Zhenya."

I didn't turn around. I didn't want him to see my face, or the tears that were starting to well up in my eyes.

"Look at me."

I shook my head, fast, my back still to him.

I heard him un-click his seat belt, and then I felt his hands turning me around by the shoulders. He let go when he saw my face.

"What if they tell us we can't?" I asked, the words spilling out now, my lips trembling as I tried to keep myself from crying. I was supposed to be strong. But facing this was more difficult than I thought. "What if it's all over after this?"

He reached up and grabbed my shoulders again. "I know this is going to be hard. But don't give up before we even try. Do you hear me?"

I blinked fast and swallowed, nodding, my head down. I had to have faith in him. In us.

"Okay. I'll be going then."

I rushed out the door into the cool morning air without a glance back in his direction. Looking at him just made me more afraid of losing him.

I stepped through the door of my apartment, heart pounding as I anticipated my mother's reaction. But to my surprise, the space was strangely quiet, still mostly dark with the curtains drawn. A weird sense of hope sprang up in me as I saw her closed door in the dim light. Was it possible that she hadn't noticed my absence? Then my eyes landed on the kitchen table and another bowl of fruit that she'd left out for me. The apples had turned brown--she'd put it there hours ago. I quickly tiptoed over and grabbed the bowl, bringing it to my room with me, closing my door behind me with the utmost carefulness.

I plugged my phone in, and as I waited for it to turn on, I hurriedly ate the oxidized apples in a desperate attempt to cover my tracks. My phone was on now, and I was opening my messaging app. I swiped the screen down to refresh it, and then I pulled down again--but nothing was showing up. What? How was this possible? There were no messages? I remembered the missed calls from the night I'd broken my wrist, and the worried messages even from last Saturday night. My mother was always checking on where I was. This couldn't be right.

I sat down on my bed, and then turned to lay on my side, crumpling up into a ball, staring at my phone. As scared as I was, I'd been expecting to face... something. Now what was I supposed to do?

"Zhenya, wake up."

My eyes flew open.

"You can't just sleep all day. Remember? We have the sponsor requests to go through today."

I sat up, startled by my mother's voice. "What time is it?"

"10 o'clock," she said, pushing the curtains open to my window. I squinted in the bright light, my eyes following her around the room as she dusted off my desk, visibly dirty in the sun. She was acting so normal. She must really not know. I breathed a small sigh of relief, but then, I watched as she reached for my trash. My eyes widened in alarm.

"Wait," I burst out suddenly. She looked at me, putting the wastebasket down. "Uh... I'll take care of it. I'll clean my room. Don't worry," I rushed through the rest of my words.

"As long as you actually do it," she said.

"I will," I said. "I'll be out there soon to look at the requests."

She pursed her lips and walked out of my room. As soon as I was sure she was gone, I scrambled to the trash can and rescued the McDonald's cup, placing it safely on the lower shelf of my nightstand. I sat down in front of it, staring at it for a long moment. And then I got up, and got ready for the day.

---

It wasn't until late afternoon that I heard from him again.

"I met with Brian," his text read.

I felt a nervous twinge in my stomach. "What happened?" I wrote back.

There was a few seconds of no reply, and then to my surprise, I got an audio file. And then, he wrote: "I thought you'd want to hear it. This is your life, too."

I reached for my headphones, tucking them into my ears. There were a lot of scratching sounds at first, like I was inside Yuzu's pocket. And then, the voices became clear.

Brian: Well, it was inevitable.

Yuzu (pause): So you know why I'm here.

Brian: Of course.

Yuzu (another pause): I wanted to be honest with you. I told her how I feel.

Brian: And?

Yuzu: And...

Brian (loud sigh): Of course she loves you. Every other girl west of the International Date Line loves you, too. Here, look--here's the fan mail that arrived for you last week.

Yuzu (clearing throat): She's not like every other girl. She's--

Brian: You don't need to convince me. I know she's special. That's why we talked about this.

Yuzu: So you still think it's a mistake.

I bit my lip, terrified of Brian's answer.

Brian: A mistake? The two of you together? No. You're perfect for each other. I can't think of any other girl who is capable of handling you as well as she could. But it's like I'm always telling you about the season. You're peaking too soon. This is bad timing.

Yuzu: For her or for me?

Brian: For both of you.

Yuzu: I already have the axel. That's what we talked about for this season. I know I can land it in competition by Worlds. So how is being with her going to change any of that for me?

Brian: And her? What about her?

Yuzu: You know she's making progress. Maybe even more with the extra time I've spent with her.

Brian: Hmm. (long pause) What about everything else? The other skaters? The media?

Yuzu: We can keep things private. No one has to know until... later. I won't get in her way, Brian. I promise you that.

Brian: If that were true, I would give you my blessing, but--

Yuzu: I promise you.

Brian: And what if it doesn't work out? What then?

Yuzu (long pause): It'll work out. I'll fight for this.

My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn't stop a smile from filling my whole face.

Brian (quietly): Well, there's no stopping you when you put your mind to something. No one knows that more than I do.

There was a long silence, and I heard shuffling around. My heart was in my throat. Was that it? I pressed the earphone farther into my ear.

Brian (voice in the distance): You need an agent. I'm not your agent, Yuzu! Take this fan mail!

Yuzu (muffled): I don't need an agent! You're a great agent!

Then there was more indistinct shuffling, and the audio file ended. I clutched the phone to my chest, grinning like an idiot again. I think I loved Brian right now as much as I loved Yuzu. No. But kind of. Had he really just said he wasn't going to stop us?

"What happened with your mother?"

My blissful moment interrupted, I felt the anxiety coming back slowly as I typed back to him. "She wasn't awake when I came home. And she hasn't said anything today. I don't think she knows."

"Will you tell her?"

"I'll try to find the right way."

He didn't reply after that, and I distracted myself with cleaning my room. He'd accomplished a lot today, crossing one of our biggest hurdles. Now I needed to find it in myself to do the same. I needed to face my fears, to find the right way.

But there wasn't ever any good moment to bring anything up, and by that evening, I was missing him too much. My mom was watching some Russian soap opera in her room, and I took a chance to call him from my room where I knew she wouldn't be likely to hear me.

The phone rang on my end several times without him answering. What is he up to? I wondered. What does he do on his days off, anyway? I was about to hang up, and then, he answered.

"Zhenya."

I smiled. I'd never get tired of hearing him say my name like that. "What are you doing?"

"Eto......."

I frowned slightly at his pause. "What's going on?"

"Just...give me a second."

That was weird. Just then I heard my mom calling for me, and I dropped the phone in my pocket as I ran to my bedroom door.

"Answer the door, I'm busy," she was saying from her bedroom, and it was then I realized there was someone knocking at the front door of our apartment.

"I'll get it," I called back, and hurried towards the door, reaching back into my pocket for my phone and tucking it between my ear and shoulder as I reached up and unlocked the chain and the deadbolt with both hands. I opened the door as I whispered back to Yuzu.

"Sorry, I have to--"

I lifted my chin as my jaw dropped, barely just catching my falling phone.

What met my eyes was the stuff that dreams were made of--at least mine, anyway.

Yuzuru Hanyu, in a suit, with flowers.

Chapter Text

He dropped the phone from his ear into his pocket of his well fitted suit pants, and I stared at him unabashedly. His hair, which I was more used to seeing wild from the wind on the ice or damp from sweat, was styled handsomely, his bangs just slightly up and swept to the side of his forehead, and I found myself having a split-second mental debate about if even Under Armour could beat Yuzu wearing a skinny tie in a contest for good looks.

"Is this the right way?"

I hardly heard what he said as I glanced furtively over my shoulder and closed the door to just a crack so he couldn't be seen. And then, unable to conceal my delight with him, I reached through the opening for the flowers.

He moved them out of my grasp. "These aren't for you."

I looked up at him quickly, and then suddenly understood why he was here, the smile melting off my face.

"You're going to need something better than that to impress her," I said solemnly.

He suddenly disappeared from view and then appeared again with a much larger bouquet. I stifled a laugh. He had options?

He looked upset and disappeared again. The next arrangement was so huge I could barely see him behind it.

I guffawed. "Too big. Go with the second one."

He raised one eyebrow at me and left my sight one last time to retrieve the medium-sized bunch.

"Evgenia Armanovna Medvedeva."

My jaw dropped again in horror, and I whirled around to see my mother standing in the hallway. I reached blindly behind me for the door handle, but I saw her expression. It was too late.

"Who is that?" she asked, marching towards the door and flinging it open. She took one look at Yuzu and immediately slammed the door shut in his face.

"Mama," I begged her desperately.

She yanked the door open again. He was still standing there, pale and rigid, looking more terrified than if he was 30 points down after the short program. And, to my ill-timed amusement, I noticed he'd suddenly swapped in the giant bouquet. I knew I shouldn't be thinking how adorable he was right now, but Yuzu this intimidated by my mother was impossibly cute.

"I knew you would be back," she glared at him, her English accented but her tone unmistakable. My stomach tied up in knots, all amusement gone. "My daughter is acting very weird recently."

I could feel my face turning red. So she had noticed. I saw Yuzu's eyes dart over to me, and my stomach flip flopped as I detected almost a hint of pride in his expression. But then he looked quickly back to her.

"What do you have to say?" Her face was so severe that even I was shaking a bit in fear of her now.

Yuzu didn't speak or move, seemingly frozen, but apparently that was unacceptable to my mother, who suddenly moved past me to grab him by the arm, dragging him into our flat. I stared at her, wondering how in the world my mother had just manhandled a World champion like that. Didn't she know who he was?

Yuzu looked equally as stunned. But then without warning, he handed me the flowers and dropped down to his knees, bowing to the ground. I could tell my mother was taken aback by the gesture.

"I want... to ask your permission ... to ... dissolve ... your daughter," he said in Russian.

I looked at him, horrified. "Vstretit', not bstretit'," I corrected him hoarsely.

He looked up from the floor at me. "What did I say?" he mouthed at me.

I closed my eyes, sinking behind the flowers. This was not going well.

And then, I heard a sound. An unfamiliar sound. It was my mother--chuckling. I opened my eyes to make sure I was right. I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard her laugh.

Yuzu shot another glance in my direction, confused. I shook my head helplessly. I had nothing for him.

"Get up. Get up," my mother finally said in English and he slowly, hesitantly obeyed.

"So. You want to see my daughter?" Her tone was back to business again.

Yuzu swallowed, and then nodded, apparently afraid to speak now.

"How do I know you're good enough for her? You have money?"

My jaw dropped and I looked at her, mortified. "Mama! He's a double Olympic gold medalist," I said in Russian.

"I don't know," she said in English, examining him from head to foot with judging eyes. "Maybe he spends it all. Suit, car... shoes."

Yuzu looked down at his shoes worriedly, and I almost smirked. Those were nice shoes.

"What will you do after skating?" she prodded.

Yuzu cleared his throat and then lifted his chin up a little. "I would like to coach."

My eyes turned to him. Coach? The word seemed to seep down into me. I'd never heard him say that before. And then suddenly my mind re-wound through a sequence of him out on the ice with me, analyzing me, guiding me, pushing me... coaching me. I took a deep breath. Yes, I thought proudly. Yuzuru Hanyu would be a great coach.

"Do you love her?"

He blushed a little, and I turned to my mother to interject again. "He's asking to date me, not to marry me," I whispered to her in Russian.

"I love her."

We both looked back at him, but his eyes were locked on me. Something indescribable welled up inside of me, and I wondered what I possibly could have done to deserve this. He'd come here for me, he'd done all this for me, he'd said all this for me, knowing I didn't know how to do this on my own. He was fighting so hard, for me. Had anyone ever done anything like this for me?

"You love him," my mother said to me in Russian. It was a statement, not a question, but I still nodded in response. "And you really think this won't disrupt your skating?"

Hope rushed through me and my words tumbled out of my mouth. "I promise I won't let it. I really do have the triple lutz. He coached me."

She looked at Yuzu for a long moment.

"Then I don't send you away," she said decisively. I looked at her in astonishment, unable to believe my ears.

She looked back at me, her eyes softer, almost... sad. "If I send away another man she loves... she might not forgive me again."

I sucked in a quick breath. We never talked about that... about my father. About the hole his absence had created.

"So... you will take care of her?" Her voice was clearer, stronger now.

Yuzu was standing there in shock himself, but her question suddenly brought him back to life. "Hai," he said emphatically, and then he shook his head to correct himself. "Yes--no...da."

My mother burst out laughing again, and then after a second, I started laughing, too. How ridiculous was this situation, a Japanese boy and two Russian women struggling to communicate in three languages? Was this chaos going to be my new life? I didn't want it any other way.

Yuzu still looked concerned, unconvinced that his interrogation was over.

"It's okay," I said to him finally, patting his arm, grinning at him. "You passed." I handed him back the flowers, and then he looked at my mom, holding them out to her.

"What am I supposed to do with all of these?" she muttered, taking them and starting to walk away. And then she stopped and looked over her shoulder.

"Oh. Her curfew on weekends is midnight, not 5 a.m. Not like last night."

The blood drained from my face.

"Mothers always know," Yuzu whispered to me.

My mother was walking away, but I was still gaping. "But.....but...."

"I'll wait outside," Yuzu said quietly, and I nodded vacantly at him before going after her.

She was in the little galley kitchen, snipping the ends off the flower stems and placing them in a vase.

"If you knew, why didn't you..."

"Lecture you? Punish you? You're an adult now, Zhenya. Shouldn't I trust myself that I raised you right?"

I blinked slowly, trying to understand.

"Besides," she went on, her eyes never moving from her task. "If I've learned anything about you these last few months, it's that you want your freedom. If I don't give it to you... won't you leave me, too?"

Her words were like a rock thudding into the pit of my stomach. My mom was... afraid...of losing me? She was afraid I'd leave like I left... Eteri? Why did I feel like crying right now?

"Oh, Mama," I said, rushing to her and throwing my arms around her. "You're not like her. I know you just want the best for me. I know you really love me." I was suddenly struck with how similar we were, always trying to step back from the thing we loved because we didn't want it to disappear.

She stood unmoving for a moment, and then I felt her hand patting my back. "You're all I have, Janny."

"You'll always have me," I whispered, treasuring the rare tender moment with her.

She cleared her throat and stepped back from me. "Except now I have to share you with that boy," she said, sounding annoyed.

I laughed.

"Next time, I won't let you off so easy," she said, her scolding tone back. "And there better not be a next time. This is still my house."

"You can trust me," I said, my heart surging with happiness as I backed away from her. How could this have really happened?

I raced down the outside stairs to the breezeway to find Yuzu, but he wasn't there. My heart stopped for a second.

"Evgenia."

I spun around, and there he was behind me, and this time he was lit up by the setting sun, resplendent rays spilling over his angular shoulders and touching me with warmth. He was magical like this. He was always magical to me.

"Come walk with me," he said, and I could barely feel the ground beneath my feet as I went to him.

"And I thought we weren't going to see each other today," I said softly as his fingers wound themselves through mine.

He smiled and tugged my hand, pulling me closer beside him as we walked the pathway between the apartments, through the small landscaped gardens that I'd never even noticed were here before. "I told you I couldn't stay away from you."

I looked up at him, and we stopped walking as we both looked at each other for a long second. In this light, I could see flecks of gold in his brown eyes. Was everything about him golden? I shook my head in amazement at him. "How did you do this? Brian... my mother... you're doing everything."

"Everything I can," he said, reaching up and touching my face.

"I wasn't expecting everything to happen so easy like this, so quickly," I admitted.

"It had to," he said. "I thought a lot about it, and it had to happen now. This is when things change."

I looked at him quizzically. What did he mean by that?

At that moment, the sun slipped below the horizon. Everything around us turned purple and blue, signaling the start of twilight. His hand dropped from my face, and suddenly I felt a little bit of a chill in the air.

"I have four weeks left," he said seriously. "Brian will start me on the intensive program tomorrow."

His first competition. I had a little more time, but somehow in all of this I had forgotten that he started earlier than I did. I swallowed. "What are you trying to say?"

"We made a lot of promises today, Zhenya."

I thought back through everything I'd heard him say to Brian, everything I'd said to my mother. We'd promised we wouldn't let being together affect our careers. We promised we wouldn't lose our focus. I hadn't realized we'd have to put that to the test so soon. There was even more pressure on us now, wasn't there?

"So we still don't know how this is going to work," I said, looking down. Why did he suddenly feel so far away again?

There was a long moment of silence between us, and then he sighed. "Don't look like that."

"Sorry. I just went from wondering how things could be so easy to wondering why everything is so hard."

"We can't lie to ourselves. There's going to be more hard things. We just have to help each other get through them as they come," he said. "Can we promise that to each other?"

I looked up at him, and pushing through my fear, I reminded myself of everything he'd done for me today. I would do anything he asked.

"I promise."

Chapter Text

My head shot up at the sound of the door. Ugh, it was just Jason. Where was Yuzu? He'd left quickly that night, just letting me know he'd reached home safely, and somehow all of Sunday passed with us barely in contact, without even so much as a good night text. But now that Monday was here, I was dying to see him. I got up from my seat on the benches and made my way out onto the ice.

"What's going on?" Gabby asked from beside me.

"Nothing, why?" I said, my heart rate accelerating a bit as I remembered Yuzu's promise to Brian to keep things quiet about us. Gabby had always been fishing for details about what was going on, but no matter how nice it would be to confide in another girl about this, I couldn't.

She shrugged. "You just looked like your head was someplace else. Are you stressed about Skate Canada?"

"Not really," I said. "Not yet, anyway. I probably should be, huh?"

She laughed. "Probably."

I nodded. Just then, the class started, without Yuzu. And it ended without Yuzu, too. As soon as it was finished, I rushed to the sidelines to search through my bag for my phone. To my relief, there was a message waiting from him. But, it wasn't a welcome message. "At the other rink this morning. Brian's orders."

I took a deep breath as I bent down to unlace my skates, trying to push down my disappointment. I'd just have to wait longer to see him.

"Come on, we're going to be late for Pliability," Jason called to me, and I threw the phone into my bag as I got up to follow him to the session.

Finally that afternoon I saw a familiar blur on the other side of the rink during open practice. I bit my lip to prevent myself from smiling. But I couldn't stop myself from slowly drifting nearer to him on the ice, just so I could look over at him every once in a while. My eyes were starved for him, and I just wanted to feel closer to him, even in proximity of space. But then, slowly, I noticed him moving away, traveling further away from me down the ice. A few moments later, I slowly migrated in his direction again. And then, suddenly, he stopped on the ice, and looked back at me. I immediately stopped, too, my heart jumping as if I'd been caught doing something wrong. Had I? I glanced around to see if anyone had noticed, and then I looked back at him. He shook his head, just a little, just enough for me to know it meant no. So it was Yuzu who thought I was wrong. A little pang shot through me at his rejection. Why did I suddenly feel stupid? It wasn't like I was asking for him to hold my hand and skate around the ice with me like a grade schooler or anything. I shook off the feeling and finished my practice alone. He was gone when I stepped off the ice, but there was another text waiting for me.

"Sorry. We just have to be careful." I frowned. There was that word I hated. Before he used it in reference to Brian, but Brian knew now. Now it was... the rest of the world.

My phone buzzed again. "Also, I have a simulation tonight."

I threw my phone into my bag in frustration. So he wasn't coming later, either. And then I paused and reached back into my bag. "Good luck," I forced myself to write back. Don't be that girl, Zhenya, throwing a tantrum when you don't get what you want. Don't forget who he is. He told you things would be different.

Different with his schedule, different with the intensity of training. But why did it feel different between us? We had only just started, and already it felt like this was going to be too hard. Summer had been one thing, but could we really make this work dealing with the busyness and the demands of a skating season? It didn't seem like it right now. I struggled to push the doubts back. I had to have more faith in us than that. Up til now, I'd been waiting on him to come to me. Maybe I'd just have to work a little harder.

The next day, it was me who was waiting for him in a hallway. He looked shocked when I pulled him in.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I smiled at him. "I just missed you."

He looked down at me seriously. "Sorry I've been so busy the last couple of days."

I shook my head, still smiling. "It's okay. As long as we can find time every once in a while for this," I said. And then, my heart racing a bit, I reached up and slipped my arms around his neck. Why did it feel like it had been ages since we'd been like this?

I started to pull him close, but suddenly I felt him taking a deep breath, pulling my arms down. "I can't right now," he said. "I wish I could... I just can't."

I blinked, my face turning pink. "Oh."

"I have interviews today," he said quickly. "They're here already--I'm going to meet them right now."

I took a step backwards. I was in the way. I was disrupting his schedule. "You better go then."

Down on the ice later in the day, I glared at the reporters. They were Japanese, and Yuzu was laughing and talking with them comfortably. My Japanese was marginal, and for some reason, seeing him talk in his own language made me a little jealous. I needed to learn more, I told myself. I skimmed by them on the ice, listening briefly to their conversation. Suddenly my back stiffened. I listened again--and there it was again--my name. They were talking about me.

I heard a few more words I recognized, and then I looked at Yuzu. He looked uncomfortable for a second, and then he shook his head and responded. The small group of reporters chuckled in return.

I turned my face away from them, flushing with embarrassment. I knew exactly what that question had been. I closed my eyes, but all I could see was Yuzu's head shaking no. He'd just denied there was anything going on between us... again. It was one thing when that had been true, but now...?

I left the ice almost immediately, unable to push away my dark thoughts and the angst that was eating a hole inside my chest. Of course Yuzu would have to deny it. There was nothing else that could be done. Then why did it hurt so badly? Was it always going to be this way?

I gathered up my things, heading to the lobby. I just needed to leave. I'd catch the bus home, eat something delicious for dinner, and just forget how many times I'd been humiliated today. And then, tomorrow--

"Evgenia?"

I turned around, wondering who had said my name. I squinted a bit, trying to place the person behind me. And then suddenly, I realized who it was. It was the guy from Gabby's party.

"Matt?"

"So you do remember me," he said, sounding pleased. "Where did you run off to that night?"

I shook my head, confused. "Wh--what are you doing here?"

He laughed. "I'm here for a tour of the facilities," he said. "Gabby invited me. I'm looking for a new personal trainer, and Gabby keeps saying how great everyone is here."

I nodded, still a bit bewildered by his presence.

"Are you done for the day?" he was asking. "Why don't you come on the tour with me and Gabby? She should be here any second."

I didn't know what to say. "Well, I've already been on a tour..."

"So what?" Matt grinned. "This time, it'll be with me, and I'm fun. Or at least I need some time to convince you of that so you'll give me your phone number."

"Oh, actually, I have a--" I stopped myself mid-sentence, swallowing. Did I... have a boyfriend?

Just then, I heard a commotion in the hallway, and we both turned to see Yuzu walking through, surrounded by the reporters. Now more than ever, he looked like the international celebrity that he was--something I kept forgetting about when it was just us inside these walls.

"Whoa, who's that?" Matt asked.

Suddenly Yuzu stopped right there in the middle of the lobby. He'd seen me. And he'd seen Matt. My blood pumped wildly as the image of him shaking his head and the reporters laughing flashed through my head again. No, I didn't have a boyfriend. Not if he wouldn't claim me. I turned back to Matt impulsively.

"No one," I said, louder than I needed to. And then I smiled at him. "Don't worry, you can have my number. Where's your phone?"

His face lit up. "Nice," he said, and quickly reached into his pocket. "I'll call you. We'll get coffee sometime."

I looked out of the corner at my eye back at Yuzu, who was still frozen in place. His face was nearly expressionless, but his eyes looked like they were literally on fire. A nauseous feeling spread through my core, but I shoved it down, taking the phone from Matt and starting to type my number into his contact list.

Just then Gabby appeared in the lobby. "Oh, awesome! I was hoping you two would run into each other. Zhenya, come on the tour with us! You haven't seen everything there is here, I'm sure."

"I guess it could be fun," I said. I looked over my shoulder again. Yuzu was gone.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself wandering through TCC with Gabby, Matt, and some nondescript facilities employee who was explaining all the features of the club in gross detail. I would have been bored out of my mind--except that I was still shaking inside over what I'd just done. Where was Yuzu now, and what would he say to me the next time I saw him?

And then, all of a sudden, a hand reached out and grabbed me by the wrist, pulling me around the corner. I looked up in shock. It was him, literally dragging me down the hallway.

"What the heck, Yuzu," I yelled at him hoarsely. He ignored me, yanking me up the stairs.

We weren't even inside the library before his mouth was on mine, and he was kissing me like he was going to consume me, pushing us roughly through the door, pulling it closed behind us. My head was spinning. This was what I'd wanted, to feel Yuzu wanting me as badly as I wanted him, but this was wrong. It was all wrong.

His fingers sunk into my back as he pulled me tighter, and his lips suddenly left mine to kiss my neck. He'd never done that before, and it was making me lose my ability to stand up straight. Why was he making me feel like this even when I was mad at him?

I struggled to get control of my head, and finally I was able to push him back. "So this is what it takes to get your attention?"

He stared at me, his breathing still heavy. "What?" He reeled me back into his arms again, kissing my lips fiercely.

I pulled away again. "You don't get to do this. I wanted you earlier and you rejected me. Why do you get to decide when and where this happens?"

He frowned. "I wanted to before. I just couldn't. The reporters."

"Aren't they still here?"

He clenched his teeth. "Yes. I sent them to interview Brian."

"So you found a way when you really wanted it."

He looked hard at me and then he blinked slowly. I doubted he would admit it, but I knew he saw my point.

"How else am I supposed to react when I see you giving your number to random guys in the lobby?"

I scoffed defensively. "He's not a random guy."

"Who is he?"

"I met him at Gabby's party. We danced together for awhile."

He looked sick to his stomach, and I felt bad again. "He... danced with you?"

I heard myself backpedaling. "It was nothing."

His eyes were flashing now, burning into me. "It didn't look like nothing in the lobby. Why would you do something like that? You're mine."

I ignored how much I liked hearing him say that, and instead lifted my chin up at him defiantly. "Who says?"

The color drained out of his face. "What?"

But my temper was flaring again. "Definitely not you," I said, unable to stop the bitterness from lacing all my words. "I know what you said to the reporters."

His face went from pale to red in one second. "What else should I have said? Yes, Evgenia Medvedeva is my girlfriend, now let hell break loose."

"I'm not your girlfriend."

He stepped backwards, his eyes furiously searching mine, his voice low and steely. "What are you talking about?"

"Technically you only asked to see me, not to date me," I answered hotly.

"You knew what I meant," he argued.

"AND, you asked my mother. Not me," I spat out. "You did everything without even asking me--do you know that? You just came over expecting to sweep us off our feet." Which he had, I was loathe to admit.

He looked confused, and then upset, shaking his head. "You weren't complaining then."

"I didn't know things would be like this," I shot back. "Was this just a game for you? Something else for you to conquer? It's like as soon as you won, as soon as things looked like they could work out for us, you forgot about me."

He moved closer to me, his brows furrowed. And then he reached up and cupped my face in his hand, his touch making me weak.

"Forgot about you?" he said softly. "Are you kidding me? I'm thinking about you every second."

My heart wanted to melt at those words, but instead I backed away. "How am I supposed to know that?"

He stood still, devoid of an answer. And then, with a stroke of madness, I reached forward and grabbed his hand, yanking up the cuff of his jacket. The hair tie was gone. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.

"It was because of the reporters. It didn't look professional."

I looked away, my chest literally hurting. "You don't have to explain it," I said quietly.

"It's been three days, Zhenya. Nothing's changed."

"Everything's changed!" I suddenly burst out, backing even further away. "You don't talk to me. I don't ever see you. You push me away. You wouldn't even kiss me until now."

He looked at me for a long second. "That's because if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. Like right now."

He closed the space between us in one stride, his lips coming close to mine, brushing over the top of my mouth for a split second before letting them press down hungrily onto my open lips. I thought I was going to die, my face--no, my whole body--on fire, the intensity of the feeling he was giving me reaching to the end of my fingertips, all the way down to my feet. I had no power left to resist him, not this time.

Our lips finally parted and he leaned in close to my neck, his nose nuzzling gently against my skin. "See. It hasn't changed."

I opened my eyes, my senses coming back to me. "You can't just kiss me like that and think it will fix everything," I said, separating from him. "You say all the right things, that it's my life, too, that you want to work together, but you're still just taking control of everything and expecting me to follow along."

He frowned, and I could tell he was frustrated. "I have a competition coming up, Zhenya. People are depending on me. I have to be responsible--"

I shook my head. "I know you do. I know you can't stop all that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying... maybe this can't work like we want it to."

He grabbed my shoulders. "Don't say things like that. I was wrong--is that what you want to hear? I should have asked you first. I should have texted you more. I should have found time to be with you."

I wrenched myself away. If it had been anyone else, I could have been justified in wanting those things, but it wasn't anyone else. It was Yuzuru Hanyu I was looking at right now. "How can I ask all of that of you? It's not right. You have too much to deal with besides me. I won't let myself be... a distraction."

His body tensed at the word.

"Just give me a chance to figure it out," he said. "I'm not very good at this kind of thing. I've... never done this before."

I looked at him, the meaning of what he was saying starting to make sense. Why hadn't I considered that before--that Yuzuru Hanyu had never been in a real relationship? Who was I kidding? I hadn't really, either. "Maybe there's a reason for that," I said quietly.

"You're giving up on me." I hated to see his eyes like this.

"It's not that," I said, my voice shaking as I backed away from him towards the door. "I'm just getting out of your way."

Chapter Text

I dragged my feet through the apartment door, dazed. I probably should have been crying at this point, but I couldn't. I just felt numb.

"Why do you look like that?"

I looked up. My mother was scrutinizing me from her spot on the couch. Beside her was the vase of flowers, the blooms still looking as fresh as the day he'd brought them.

"You fought with him."

I tore my eyes of the flowers. How did she actually know everything?

She sighed. "Did you at least have a good reason?"

I thought back through all the reasons I'd thought I'd had, but listing them in my head, they suddenly didn't make sense anymore. I'd known better the whole time, but I couldn't stop myself in the heat of the moment. I'd been wrong, about so many things. But it was hard for me to admit that... to anyone.

"It's complicated," I finally got out.

"That's what I thought."

My hackles rose at her tone. "He denied there was anything going on with us."

Her eyebrows raised, and she almost looked... impressed. "So, he's taking care of you, like I asked."

"What?"

"He's protecting you. You really want it getting out so soon? Have you already forgotten what we went through after we announced you were leaving Tutberidze? Your relationship is already strong enough to survive something like that?"

"It's not like I wanted him to say something," I said defensively. "I know it's not the right time. My question is, will it ever be?" I closed my eyes. "I just don't see a way."

How could we make it work like this? On the ice, it was practically my job to let my emotions show in front of the world. But in real life, I had to keep everything bottled up and put on a nice smile, even in front of Yuzu? It wasn't fair.

"No one ever sees the end at the beginning."

I sucked in a deep breath before my chest tightened again. "What if this is the end?"

She shook her head. "This isn't who you are, Zhenya."

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"You're a world champion. A world champion who fell the first time she tried to jump. But she got up and kept trying."

I appreciated the analogy, but it was a bit too poetic for the moment. "Life isn't the same as ice skating."

"You have to be brave for both."

"Maybe I'm not as brave as everyone thinks I am," I whispered. I turned slowly, robotically away from her, stumbling through my bedroom door, closing it shut behind me and collapsing on the bed.

And then finally, the tears came. And they didn't stop for a long time.

Finally I heard the sound of my door opening, and then I felt the soft touch of my mother's hand on my arm. I looked up at her, my eyes stinging from the salt in my tears. She drew me into a warm embrace, patting my head comfortingly.

"You're so much like me," she said quietly. "But don't make my same mistakes. Don't give up when it gets hard."

I knew she meant what happened with my father. They'd given up on each other, back then. Was there a worse feeling than someone giving up on you? I knew it all too well, the feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and rejection. I'd felt it when Eteri had given up on me for Alina, and...

You're giving up on me. Yuzu's words reverberated in my head. What had I done to him? I'd accused him of making decisions without me, and then by leaving I'd done the exact same thing. I'd promised him we'd help each other when things got tough, but at the first trial, I'd abandoned him, acting like a martyr when in reality I'd just been afraid. I was a hypocrite. I was selfish. I wasn't thinking straight, I was acting before I thought of the consequences.

And I'd cried too much these last few days. These last few months. Mama was right. This wasn't like me. I had to be stronger than this. I was stronger than this.

I pulled away from her, looking at her seriously. "So what do I do now?"

"Trust him," she said simply. "Talk to him."

They seemed like obvious answers. But I'd been terrible at both so far. "Those are things I should have done. But it's too late now. I've said--I've done awful things."

"Then apologize to him."

Apologize. All of a sudden, I was back on the ice, waiting for Yuzu, the first time I'd pushed him away, the first time I'd tried to punish him, the first time I'd completely misunderstood his actions.

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for being difficult the last few days. I put you in an uncomfortable position, and I regret it. But I wanted to let you know I'm going to get back on track now...

I'd never said those words to him then. He'd never come that night, and I'd let my practiced apology fade into oblivion. But he still deserved it. He deserved it now more than ever.

"What if he won't forgive me?"

"He loves you," she said. "Just go to him."

---

The sun had already set by the time I got off the bus. It wasn't just that I'd been waiting for his day to be over, I'd needed the time. Time to clear my tear-stained face, time to collect my thoughts, time to get what I needed.

I looked up at the street sign, and took a deep breath. And then I stepped forward, my heart pounding. Maybe he wouldn't accept what I had for him, maybe he wouldn't accept the kind of apology I was going to give him, but... I had to try. If I didn't, I'd regret it the rest of my life.

And then I found myself slowly, carefully, climbing the stairs to Yuzu's apartment. My hand trembled as I raised it to the door, and then I clenched my fist stronger and knocked. I was ready.

It seemed like it took ten years before I heard the sound of his approaching footsteps.

And then the door opened. My jaw dropped. I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't ready at all.

My pulse racing, I struggled to remember the words I knew somewhere in the back of my head. "Konbanwa," I said, bowing a little--was that enough of a bow?

The woman across from me bowed her head in return but said nothing. Did she know who I was? Surely she did. I was blanking out, unable to remember any Japanese. I tried English instead. "Is Yuzuru-san here?"

Yuzuru-san. It sounded weird coming off my tongue. Should it have been Hanyu...senshu? That was even weirder. We were friends, from the very beginning. Still, I was afraid to say Yuzu-kun in front of his mother.

She shook her head. "Not here. Sorry."

I ran through my options quickly. She stood with the door only half open. I didn't think I was welcome to wait for him inside. And who knew when he'd be back tonight--maybe Brian had him at another simulation. "Could you...give him this?"

She looked down at what I was holding in my outstretched hand. A McDonald's bag.

"No," she shook her head.

I faltered. "But--"

She frowned. "It's... not good...for him," she said haltingly in English.

I nodded slowly. "Ah. Okay. Thanks," I grimaced a smile, and then the door closed in front of me.

I let out a long breath, exhausted by the interaction even though it had been brief. I covered my eyes with my hand, hanging my head. Why did everything I try end up in failure? I plodded down the stairway dejectedly, but then I suddenly stopped. What was I doing? Giving up wasn't an option anymore. I had other choices.

So I sat down on the floor of the breezeway, my back against the wall, and waited. I'd wait as long as it would take.

It took a long time. It was getting colder in the evenings now, and I shivered in spite of myself, hugging my knees to keep myself from being chilled. But I would wait for him. Hours, if I had to.

And then, finally, I heard the sound of approaching footsteps. I looked up, and there he was, head down, earphones in, a drink in his hand. And then I stood up. He stopped in his tracks, his eyes immediately locked on me.

"What are you doing here, Evgenia?" he said, examining me as he pulled out the earphones.

My heartbeat quickened. In the semi-darkness, I couldn't really see his eyes--was he glad to see me, or was he upset? If he was upset, he had every right to be. I blinked and shook my head. I had to say it now, before I lost my resolve.

"I'm here to say I'm sorry."

He tilted his head attentively.

"Not for everything," I added hurriedly, and I noticed a little curve appear on his lips for some reason. "I still think we need to fix some things. But.. I'm sorry for accusing you of things, I'm sorry for trying to hurt you, and I'm sorry for making you think I was giving up on you. Because, I'm not. I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to lose you. I want to do this right. So I'm asking... if you can...if we can...can we start over?"

He looked at me for a long time, and the longer he waited the more fearful I grew.

"No. We can't start over," he finally said, and I thought my heart was going to break into a million pieces.

He was walking towards me now, stepping into brighter light. "I want to remember everything. Everything we've had already. The good and the bad. This is what makes us stronger."

I could see his eyes now, and they were steady and warm. Hope flooded through me again, my shoulders dropping in relief. "So you'll take me back?"

He smiled. "I was never going to let you go."

"What?"

He suddenly handed me the drink he was holding. It was coffee--and my eyes fell on the name written on it. Medo-chan. My stomach flip-flopped a little, remembering Matt asking me for coffee in lobby. He'd heard all of that, hadn't he?

"I was waiting outside your house, this whole time."

He was? I stared at him. "Why?"

"Your mother wouldn't let me in. She said you were gone and told me to go home."

"No, I meant, why were you there?"

He put his bag down. "I was going to tell you... that I don't want you to get out of my way. I want you to be in my way, every second, every day. I can't promise to be something I'm not. I can't take you out for coffee, or even on real dates. I don't even know when I'll get to hold your hand in public. But I'll get fast food at the drive through with you, and I'll watch every episode of Tokyo Ghoul with you, and I'll text you every day and tell you good night every night. And... as sure as hell I'm going to dance with you." He paused and looked at me. "I was going to tell you all those things."

My heart was in a puddle on the floor again. But then I scowled. "Why is your apology better than mine?"

He looked away, grinning. "Because I'm the greatest."

I scoffed. "You should have said it first, so I wouldn't have had to say mine."

"I liked yours."

I swallowed. "But now you know I'm not perfect."

"You still are to me."

I looked at him incredulously. "How can you say that after what I did?"

"Because perfect to me doesn't always mean no mistakes. It means giving your best... everything you can give."

He reached forward and took the coffee out of my hand, setting it up on a ledge beside us, his eyes never leaving mine, and for some reason even that made my heart flutter again. "So give me everything you can give, Zhenya."

I didn't even have to think twice before wrapping my arms around his neck. This time, he didn't pull them down. And then I kissed him, with everything I could give. I suddenly remembered the first time I'd kissed him on my own--that had been to thank him for what he'd done for me, and now, it was no different. I almost felt like crying again as an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness washed through me, gratefulness for everything that he did, and everything he was, and everything he helped me to be. I loved him. I wanted to tell him.

I started to pull away, but he resisted, his hold on me tightening, and then suddenly he changed the direction of his mouth on mine, and all my thoughts completely disappeared. One of his hands somehow found its way into my hair, sending hundreds of shivers down my spine, and his other hand was pulling me closer and closer, til there wasn't any space left between us at all. I could feel every breath he took, every beat of his heart, and even the slightest trembling of his body against mine. This was what it felt like to be wanted by Yuzuru Hanyu. This was right, even if it was crazy.

"Why do you always make me want more?" he whispered, pressing his forehead to mine, his eyes closed. "I want even more than this." I blushed for a second, but then he enclosed me in the warmest hug. "I want your heart."

I closed my eyes, resting my head on his shoulder. I knew what he meant now. No more doubting, no more fears. He wanted my trust. 

"It's yours," I said.

He leaned back. "So you won't run away from me anymore?"

I looked at him carefully. "I'm kind of difficult. Are you really sure you want me?"

"More than anything."

I lifted my chin, a teasing smile on my lips. "Really? More than anything? More than... a gold medal?"

He looked away thoughtfully. "Maybe I want a gold medal more. They're easier to get than you."

I swatted him. Only Yuzu could say that.

He smirked, and then he got serious again.

"So will you be my girlfriend, Evgenia Medvedeva?"

I went to kiss him again, but he stopped me with a finger on my mouth.

"I need to hear you say it, so you can't back out on me again."

I looked at him, smiling. "Yes. Hai. Da. Everything."

He grinned and pulled me back into his arms, but then I wriggled free. "Wait, I almost forgot."

I ran over to my things and came back with the McDonald's bag. I felt the outside.

"Ugh, it's cold, of course. Well, you don't have to eat it. Your mom said it wasn't good for you anyway."

"Wait--my... mom?"

I shrugged. "She wouldn't let me in, either."

"You went upstairs?"

"I didn't know. Should I not have? Is it bad?"

His face was a little strained. "It's not that. It's just... she won't support us. I'm sure of it."

"What else is new?" I laughed. "I don't mean that to be disrespectful. Her support is important to me, too," I said quickly, seeing the look on his face. "But seriously. I'm ready. Bring it on."

Chapter Text

"This is a weird meal," Yuzu said as we sat crossed legged facing each other in the breezeway, splitting a cold hamburger and a lukewarm coffee.

"We're a weird couple," I grinned. "Mostly because you're weird."

"No, you're weird. You like this kind of drink," he said, sipping the coffee. "Isn't tea nicer?"

"I like coffee better," I said. "It's much better when it's hot."

"You're better when you're hot," he quipped, and I made a face at his lame joke. He grinned for a second but then he looked away--no, he looked...up. "Tea is... better for you, supposedly."

I looked down. "Your mother wouldn't like you drinking coffee?" I looked back up at him when he didn't respond right away. I knew we weren't talking about tea and coffee anymore.

He sighed. "My mother is very... traditional."

"I'm not afraid of that," I said quickly. "I know a little about Japanese culture. And I'll learn more. I'm going to practice speaking Japanese, too, so I can talk with her better. I'll try hard."

Yuzu looked a little less enthusiastic. "I'll help you. But maybe we shouldn't rush it," he said, and I could hear the uncertainty in his voice. "We've accomplished a lot already--Brian, your mom. This one might be better if we take it slower."

"You've accomplished a lot already," I said. "This is something I have to do. I want to do it. For you."

He smiled at me. "In time, though," he said more seriously. "Can you do that for me? Wait a little?"

I nodded. I had to trust him. I wanted to do it the right way. Even if it meant waiting. Suddenly I bit my lip, remembering. "I have something else for you, actually."

"What is it?"

"I can't give it to you here. It has to be someplace else," I said, standing up quickly and giving him my hand to pull him up.

He looked at me curiously. "You're going to take me somewhere, Medvedeva?"

I looked at him, and I could feel a smile lighting up my face. "Mmhmm."

---

"What is this place?"

"You've never been here before?"

"No, I don't think so."

I blinked at him a little incredulously. The park we were walking through was less than 10 minutes from the Cricket Club, and I'd been here half a dozen times already, either to go running or to accompany my mom to the Russian community events held here or just to eat lunch outside and watch the giant squirrels that seemed to be everywhere. I had thought Yuzu liked the outdoors, too.

"Well, you're here now," I said, grabbing his hand.

"You're sure no one is going to recognize us?" he said, and I could feel his hesitation through the stiffness of his arm.

"There's hardly anyone here," I assured him. "Plus, it's dark."

"Mmm," he mulled over the thought. And then his tone turned teasing again. "So do you want to tell me why you're bringing me to a park in the middle of the night carrying a blanket?"

"Because of this," I said, and just then we stepped out from under the trees into a huge, open field. And then, we both looked up into the cloudless night sky. There was just enough darkness here in the park that we could see some of the stars above us, the inky darkness broken up by scattered, glittering jewels of light.

"I've always wanted to come here at night," I said. "It's actually better than I thought it would be."

There was no response from Yuzu, and I turned to see why. I blushed to see he was looking at me instead of the sky.

"Come on," I laughed at him. "Let's find a good spot." We ran through the open field together and then, finding the perfect place, I unfurled the blanket and sat down, patting the spot beside me.

He sat down, still looking at me.

"You wanted to take me stargazing?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

I blinked at him and grinned. "No, I wanted to take you moongazing." His lips curved into a smile, and then he turned his face upwards again. This time I saw his eyes center on the shimmering half-moon that was giving us enough light to see each other properly, the moon that was making his skin look even more lustrous in its glow.

"Of course," he said.

"This is what I have for you," I said, and when he looked back down, his eyes fell on the object in my hand. It was a bracelet, small and inconspicuous, not much thicker than a hair tie, with a single charm linked between the black braided bands--a crescent moon.

"Because of Sailor Moon?"

"No--well, it could be. But it's more than that." I reached back into my bag, and pulled out a second bracelet. The band was different enough that they wouldn't look they were matching from a distance, but the charm was the same style.

"A sun?" he asked inquisitively.

I felt a nervous twinge in my stomach and I looked up, away from his gaze. "Even though the sun and moon can't shine at the same time, they're always together... out there... where no one can see them," I said softly. I blinked hard as soon as I said it. Was that stupid to say? Did he understand what I meant?

Suddenly he was wrapping me up in his arms and I let out a sigh of relief. "You don't hate me for not being able to tell everyone about us?" he was asking.

"I know we have to wait," I said, closing my eyes. "I'll wait as long as it takes."

"I promise it won't be forever," he whispered into my hair, and then he leaned back and took the sun bracelet, slipping it around my wrist, clasping it together.

I took the bracelet I had for him and swallowed, suddenly a little shy.

"This way you can keep a part of me around and still be professional," I said hastily, and reached forward and pulled back his jacket sleeve to find his wrist.

My heart skipped a beat. The hair tie. It was back. I looked up at him, and he was looking back at me seriously. I cleared my throat and quickly fastened the bracelet above it, sliding off the hair tie.

He snatched it back from me, and when I looked at him in surprise, he was grinning.

"I can be unprofessional," he said, and all of a sudden he laid me down on the blanket, his body leaning over mine.

"Being professional is still important," I smirked at him. But my goodness, he was beautiful like this.

"Yeah, it is," he said, and flopped over onto his back. A second later, he was looking down into my eyes again. "I could be a little unprofessional."

I bit my lip, smothering a laugh. "Just a little."

A little while later, he was lying by my side again, stroking my hair, looking at me like that again. My cheeks flushed--they always did when he looked like that, like he was hiding nothing from me, like I was the only thing that mattered to him right now.

"There's one other person I want to know about us," he said quietly.

I blinked. "Who?"

"The guy that almost made me lose you twice." He saw my continued puzzled expression. "The guy in the lobby," he clarified. "I didn't recognize him then, but it was him."

I shook my head. "What are you talking about?"

"He's the reason I left Gabby's party."

I sat up suddenly and stared at him in disbelief. "You were at the actual party?"

He sat up beside me. "As soon as I got there, I saw you talking to those guys--that guy--and I left. When you told me you actually danced with him, it killed me."

I felt another horrible pang of guilt shoot through me. "It really was nothing. I was never interested in him, not even in the slightest. Earlier today--I just lost my head because I was mad. I really am sorry. I want to make it up to you."

He tilted his head. "Then dance with me."

"Right now?"

"Mmhmm," he said.

"You're crazy," I laughed at him. "We don't even have mu--"

He stopped me with an earbud in my ear, another one going into his.

"Whoa, this sound quality is amazing," I said, immediately distracted, and he grinned.

"You're amazing," he said, and then, he stood, sweeping me up with him. And then, we danced, to that song. He went from romantic and swoon-worthy, to making me laugh with his lip-syncing, and then back to serious and heart-fluttering, and I honestly didn't even know what to do with him, but it was Yuzu and sweetness and it was all I wanted.

Dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight

"What are you thinking about?" he whispered when the song was over.

"That I can't believe you really came all the way to the party for me," I admitted.

He laughed a little. "Why does that matter so much to you?"

I looked at him and smiled, shrugging. "I don't know." Maybe it was because of how upset I'd been that night, thinking he hadn't missed me at all. Or maybe it was because, if he'd waited all that time for me out there, then maybe I was really worth more than I realized to him. Or maybe it was because I just liked hearing about all the things we hadn't understood before.

"What else don't I know?" I wondered out loud.

He sat down again, pulling me into his arms to cuddle me. I nestled my head against his shoulder, my heart still skipping a few times. Would I ever get used to the simple things? Would this ever seem real?

"What else do you want to know?" he asked.

And then we slipped into talking about that night, and when I'd first come, and everything, and nothing, and it was wonderful, being like this with him. And then he checked his phone.

"It's late," he said. "I don't want your mom to kill me."

I smiled. "I think... she might actually like you."

He scoffed. "I doubt that. She's kind of terrifying."

I laughed at him. "She's not so bad."

"Tomorrow I'm at the other rink again in the morning," he said quietly. "Brian likes to separate everyone a bit more when we get closer to the competitions."

I understood what he was saying this time. That we couldn't always be together. But now we were talking. It would be okay now.

"I'll miss you," I said simply.

"I'll be able to stay tomorrow night, though. And then," he added. "Maybe... I could come over to your place sometimes. If your mom doesn't really hate me."

I smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

Chapter Text

And so it continued just like that, day after day, for several weeks. It was probably nothing close to a normal beginning of a relationship, both of us insanely busy with training and other obligations, but we made time to see each other when we could, whether it was training together after hours or falling asleep on the couch at my place watching anime together or singing Taylor Swift songs at the top of our lungs in the car. Okay, sometimes we made out, too. It wasn't nearly as often as either of us probably wanted. But that was part of the sacrifice we had to make, wasn't it?

Yuzu won the Autumn Classic, like I knew he would, and I won a challenger series of my own. Brian was proud of us. I was proud of us. Most of the time it felt too good to be true, and sometimes it was hard to remember that there was a world full of people out there that didn't know about us. Until one day, when I realized I never should have forgotten.

--

It all started on a bad day at the Cricket Club. The Grand Prix events were coming up soon--too soon--and the mood was changing around the club. I remembered it being like this at Sambo, too. This was when tensions got high, and the stakes got even higher. I could see it on Yuzu's face whenever he was on the ice. He hadn't attempted the 4A at his first event. But I knew he'd heard the rumors, that others were getting close, too. He wanted it first.

"My ankles aren't strong enough," he muttered to me outside the weight room when no one else was around.

"You're pushing yourself too hard," I stated.

"Why does everyone keep telling me that?" he shook his head. "I just need to get stronger."

I shook my head. "You need to take a break." I was worried about him, worried about the stress he was putting on his body, on his mind.

"There isn't time for a break."

He hit the ice even harder that afternoon. Literally. He was falling more than he usually did, his concentration off.

"He gets like this sometimes," Brian said to me as we stood on the sidelines, watching him splayed out on the ice after a fall, looking up at the ceiling. I looked up at my coach. He'd become almost like a friend to me the last few months as we'd gotten more in sync with our methods of teaching and learning, and I was always marveling at how well he understood his skaters--how he had almost a sixth sense for knowing what we needed. Still, I was surprised he was talking about Yuzu to me, a subject we usually left alone.

"There's something going on his head," he said.

"He wants the quad axel," I murmured. "He wants to be the first."

"I know," Brian nodded. "But reality is that may not happen if he keeps pushing himself like this. He has to know what it means to wait until the right time."

I had needed to learn what it meant to wait for the right time, too, these last few weeks. Yuzu kept putting the subject of his mom on the back burner. It was true what he'd said, that there were a lot of other things vying for our attention at the moment, but the longer we waited, the harder it got for me. The more time went by--the closer Yuzu and I got--the more I wanted my chance to prove to him, and myself, that I could make her accept me. But no, I had to wait. I would wait until he was ready.

My thoughts were harshly interrupted by the clatter of Yuzu's body colliding with the hard ice. It was ugly. My heart jumped, and my head whipped around to Brian, panicked. To my relief, he was already zooming towards Yuzu on the ice.

"I'm fine," Yuzu said, scowling up at Brian. I saw him glance quickly over at me. I took a deep breath. He was going to kill himself out there. The next fall might not be as lucky.

"You're not fine," Brian said. "I want you off the ice, now."

Yuzu protested with his face and negotiated with his words. "I won't work on the axel anymore today."

"Take a break. I mean it."

He eventually sulked over to the sidelines, pulling out his phone as he sat down to remove his skates.

My own phone buzzed in my hand with his message.

"I guess I'm taking a break."

I chewed my lip, imagining him going home and turning on his videos, going through his visualizations and mental exercises. No one could stop him from pressing on, in his mind. Well... maybe I could. Maybe I could do something, for him. I hurried over to Brian.

"Brian... could I... well, I got here early today. I'll come early tomorrow, too. I know time is short. But I was thinking..."

"You can go," he said, interrupting my disjointed sentences by reading my thoughts. He looked down at me seriously. "Take care of him. Don't let him think."

I let out a breath in surprise. "Really?"

"Go, before I change my mind," he said.

I grinned at him, grateful once again.

---

Yuzu's eyebrows furrowed as we stood outside the bus stop, yards away from each other. "I'm not really in the mood today, Zhenya," he said, his eyes straight ahead, not looking at me.

"I know," I nodded, mirroring his body language. "That's why we're doing this."

"What exactly are we doing?"

"You'll see," I said. The bus was coming in, and out of the corner of my eye I could see him fidgeting with the bracelet on his wrist. I raised an eyebrow. Yuzu didn't fidget often. I momentarily questioned my decision, but then I remembered the alternative--him stewing alone in his apartment--and I looked forward resolutely. No, this would be good for him.

He balked when I went toward the bus.

"I don't take the bus during the day."

Was that it? He was worried about being out in public?

"I think fewer people recognize you in this city than you think," I said. "Let's just give it a shot. It's less risky than the club, anyway."

"What if people see us together?"

"Then we'll tell them we're friends. We are friends, aren't we?"

He looked down at me, and I detected a hint of a smile, just barely, playing on his lips. "Something like that."

He grumbled a bit as I pulled him off the bus at our stop, but his eyes widened in surprise when he looked up to see a large building, the sounds of a group of schoolkids laughing greeting us. "Ontario... Science Centre?" he read the sign aloud.

"So, do you think the children will know you?" I teased as another field trip group rambled by us, oblivious to our presence.

He looked away, nodding slightly. "Maybe not."

I glanced sidelong at him as we crossed the street, monitoring his body language. But his uneasy demeanor slowly relaxed once we were inside, surrounded by children and pre-occupied teachers and moms. And, to my delight, he was completely fascinated by the exhibits. Yuzu could kind of be a nerd sometimes, I realized. By the time we were done, he was the one dragging me to the next thing, playfully forcing me to do the hands-on, interactive activities with him. It was like he was a kid again, his face lit up with childlike wonder.

"That was just a warmup," I declared as they practically kicked us out of the building at closing time. "Now you're going downtown."

"Zhenya."

"Come on," I coaxed. "Please?"

And then we were downtown, in the eclectic, crazy Kensington Market, and Yuzu was trying to hide his awe of the brightly painted buildings and murals, making faces at the various cultural foods I brought him to try. Everyone here in this district was too busy enjoying themselves here to pay attention to us, and the combining mixtures of street music that surrounded us made me feel like we were in another world. Our own world, full of beautiful, bright colors and amazing, dissonant sounds. The light was turning pink around us when he stopped in the middle of the street and looked at me. I looked back at him, and slowly took him in. In a T-shirt and jacket that were a little too big for him and jeans, I could almost forget right now that he was Yuzuru Hanyu, the two-time Olympic champion, and just think of him as Yuzu, an ordinary boy I loved. It was mesmerizing looking at him like this, and I wanted to freeze this moment, take a picture of him, or something.

"I didn't know something like this existed," he said, and I could see his eyes shining a little.

Did he feel it, too?

And then suddenly, he looked down. Someone was tugging on his sleeve.

"Yuzuru Hanyu?"

My heart dropped as I heard the child speak his name. I had forgotten how close this was to Chinatown. Of course there would be people here who knew him. What was I thinking? Terrified, my eyes shot to Yuzu, who was caught off guard for only a moment before he plastered a pleasant, practiced smile on his face and shook his head at the young boy like he didn't understand what he was asking.

"We should...get going," I managed to get out, but we both stood frozen in place as we watched the boy turn around, heading back to his parents. Then to my horror, he tugged on their hands, too, and turned and pointed to us.

"Like, now," Yuzu said, and the next thing I knew, he'd grabbed my hand and we were running, dashing through the streets. We ran longer than we needed to, the little boy and his parents hardly a real threat, but maybe we were running because we wanted to, because it made us feel like we could get away--away from people who knew who we were, away from axels and lutzes--just for a little while.

I skidded to a stop finally, and anxiously turned to look at Yuzu, worried he might be mad for me taking him to a place like that. But my jaw dropped again. Was he... laughing?

"What the heck, Zhenya," he said, his face a little red from breathing too hard. "Why was that... kind of... fun?"

"You're crazy," I shook my head at him.

"Yeah, you keep saying that," he said. And then, he smiled, a real smile--at me, and I wanted to keep the memory of that smile in my heart forever.

"Can we take a picture together?" I asked impulsively.

"Here?" he questioned, and I shook my head.

Soon we were climbing the stairs of the nearby parking garage, and the view when we reached the top took my breath away. It wasn't the picture of Toronto you saw on postcards, the one of the silhouetted skyline and shimmering water. This was urban, and dense, and different, and the way the orange-colored sunset was lighting up the concrete buildings made them look like they were glowing. This was the Toronto I'd grown to love in the last few months. I turned my head as I felt Yuzu's arms slip around me from behind, and I quickly took a picture of us before he buried his nose in the crook between my chin and my shoulder, closing his eyes. I smiled and let his warmth seep into me, just for a little while. This was the person I'd grown to love for--for who knows how long.

---

"I'll walk you to the corner. The bus going the other way won't be here for a few minutes," I said as we got to his stop. It was unnecessary, but I didn't want today to end just yet. It was a rare moment, I knew--one we wouldn't get the chance to have again for a long time, not with Skate Canada nipping at my heels and the rest of the events following in quick succession. He seemed to understand and nodded as we got off together.

And then he caught me from behind again as I walked ahead of him, spinning me around inside of his arms. He was grinning, and I laughed at him.

"What?"

"So was that like, a date?"

"Something like that," I said, and a shy feeling crept into my stomach. "But don't think too much of it. Brian told me I had to get your mind off work."

He looked down at me, disregarding my deflection. "Did you know I love you?"

I blushed. "You should say it more."

"I should," he whispered, looking at me seriously. "I love you, Zhenya." My heart rate sped up involuntarily like it always did when he looked like that--like he wanted to kiss me. I wanted it, too. But we had to be careful. We were still outside, after all.

He finally looked away, grinning, and then he reached down and took my hand in his as we kept walking. "Why do you require so much self-discipline?"

I looked down, shy again, as we turned the corner. But then, without warning, he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and I almost tripped over my own feet at the abruptness. Just as quickly, he dropped my hand.

I looked down at our separated hands, the smile on my face replaced with confusion. And then I looked up, following his deadened gaze, and suddenly it felt like the air had turned twenty degrees cooler, so cold it was permeating my skin.

"Okaa-san."

Chapter Text

Yumi Hanyu. I'd been so surprised the last time I saw her that I didn't really take a good look at her features. But now, in an attempt to slow the rate of my rapidly beating heart, I took the time to study her more closely. With fair skin and pretty features, she looked younger than I knew she must be. I swallowed as the realization hit me. She looked like... him. And their eyes--their eyes were the same. Except I couldn't read hers the way I could read his.

Suddenly I became aware that she was examining me the same manner. A long moment of silence passed as her eyes moved from me to Yuzu and then down to our hands. My stomach hurt--these weren't butterflies. These were hornets. My hand involuntarily formed a ball in an attempt to keep it from shaking. She'd seen us before he'd let go, I was sure.

Finally she spoke, in Japanese, and to my relief, I could pick up enough words to understand what she was saying. "I was going to get you natto," she addressed Yuzu, patting an empty grocery bag hanging from her arm. "But you ate already, ne?"

Her voice didn't sound upset, but for some reason, that unnerved me even more.

"You should go back to the bus."

He was talking to me. My stomach flip-flopped, and I looked up at him, my eyes pleading. Didn't he know I wanted to be a part of this? That I wanted to do it together this time?

He looked down at me when I didn't move. His expression was firm and unrelenting, and the muscle in his jaw clenched. "You're going to miss the bus, Evgenia."

I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths to relieve the pressure that had built inside my chest. Even my actions right now could send us in the wrong direction, couldn't they?

"Right," I relented quietly. "I'll leave first, then," I said, nodding at his mother, my cheeks flaming at how awkward this was. I hoped that in the dim light, she couldn't tell.

My feet felt like rocks were tied to them as I rounded the corner again. I saw the bus pulling into the stop ahead, and I tried to move faster, but my legs were failing me. Somehow, I managed to make it into my seat before the bus pulled away.

With the street lights flickering by outside my window, I closed my eyes again, trying to imagine the scene that was happening out of my view. Was he telling her what we were? Or was he denying it, like he did to the reporters? My heart told me that there was no way he could get out of it this time. She'd seen him holding my hand. Plus, mothers always knew.

"What happened?" I texted him when I got home.

"I'll tell you tomorrow. Too hard to text, and I can't call while she's awake. Go to sleep."

It couldn't be good, then. I lay down on my bed, clutching the phone to my body. My mind flashed back to that night, sitting on the cold concrete underneath Yuzu's apartment, when he'd told me he was sure she wouldn't support us. Why did today have to end like this? It had been so beautiful, and now... it was that same feeling from before, like Yuzu was sand that kept slipping through my fingers. And then, my phone buzzed again.

"Good night."

He never forgot. Not once, since that night.

A third time, the phone buzzed.

"I love you."

---

I stared at his back the next morning, scrutinizing him from head to toe while he couldn't see me, a desperate attempt to get a clue of what had gone on inside his apartment last night and what was going on in his head right now. But Yuzu could be a closed book sometimes. His footwork was impeccable as always, no missteps. His hands hung loosely at his side, no tightened fists or nervous fidgeting. But then, I saw his neck. His neck was tense. I hung my head, breathing in and out, concentrating on the rhythm of my skates beneath me. Stroking class seemed so meaningless today, for some reason. Skate Canada was only a few days away, but Brian insisted we still attend the stroking class to "keep our minds steady." My mind was anything but steady. Especially when it was thinking about the events of last night.

It was days like this when it sucked that we had to act like there was nothing between us. After stroking class, we both rushed off to our next appointments, only a slight glance passing from his eyes to mine. But even in that one glance, I could see what I feared. His eyes were... sad. My anxiety levels rose with each hour that went by. I had to know.

Finally, I texted him.

"Where are you?"

His response came quickly. "Finishing up with Brian."

My feet took me swiftly upstairs. And then, I saw him coming down the empty hallway, his head down. He looked up when he heard me coming and paused. His face was solemn.

I motioned toward the side hallway with my head, and this time, he went without me having to pull him.

"Tell me what happened," I repeated my request from before.

He looked at me. "It was like I told you it would be. She's not happy."

My heart was pumping erratically, squeezing my words into tiny little things. "Did she...tell you...to break up with me?"

Suddenly he grabbed my shoulders, and my body melted under his touch. "I wouldn't even if she did," he rushed through his words, his eyes suddenly blazing.

Then why do you look so sad today? Why couldn't you have texted me that last night? What is it that you're not telling me? I wondered. I took another deep breath. I had to believe what he was saying right now. I repeated his words in my head to reassure myself, and then I stood up straighter.

"So she didn't tell you that?"

He calmed down a little, his grip on me relaxing. "Not really."

"Then there's a chance," I said, brightening. "I told you. I'm ready for this. Take me home with you tonight."

"What?" he stared at me, frowning. "Are you crazy?"

"Maybe."


---


"Tadaima," Yuzu called out as he bent down and removed his shoes at the door. I did the same.

And then I straightened up quickly as a voice--her voice--answered from inside.

"Okaer--"

Her words cut off as she came around the corner. She looked me up and down, and then to Yuzu.

"Mom, this is Zhenya," Yuzu spoke to her in Japanese.

"Why is she here?" she responded.

"She can speak a little Japanese," Yuzu said, and his tone almost sounded like a warning.

"Yoroshiku onegaishimasu," I said quickly, both to prove what he'd said was true and to try to diffuse how tense this moment felt. This time, Yuzu had told me how much to bow.

She bowed in return but said nothing.

This silence was killing me.

"You have a very nice home," I said in Japanese.

She nodded, but responded in English. "Please come in."

I breathed a sigh of relief and followed Yuzu into the living room, where we sat on one of the sofas. But still, no one was saying anything. This was horribly uncomfortable. Come up with something to talk about, Zhenya. Don't let Yuzu down like this. You said you were ready.

But it was his mother who turned to me first.

"You have a competition coming up soon."

She sounded pleasant, but she was still speaking to me in English and for some reason, that stung a little. She didn't think I could do this? I admittedly didn't know a lot yet, but how else was I going to learn if I didn't have practice?

"I do," I said, trying to smile.

"Yuzu-kun is very careful with his diet before competitions," she went on.

Oh goodness. Was she going to bring up the McDonald's? I cringed.

"There's something he usually eats in the evenings here at home," she said. I turned to glance at Yuzu, and his eyes were getting larger as he followed her movement into the kitchen.

"Okaa-san."

I frowned. What was going on here? Just then, his mother appeared again with a small tray with some items on it--a covered bowl, a few small plates of rice, some condiments.

She set the tray down on the table between us and sat down. "You're a skater. It will be good for you, too."

And then, she lifted the lid of the bowl. I looked over at Yuzu, shocked. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready at all.

"I thought natto was a breakfast food," I whispered to Yuzu, trying not to sound pained.

"My mother has done a lot of research about natto. Apparently the health benefits can be even stronger if you eat it before you sleep," he explained.

"Most times I make it myself, but--no time this week, so I bought this. It's still very good," she said, pulling out the slimy, stringy substance and putting it on a plate. "Yuzu said you've been to Japan many times. Do you like this?"

I could already smell it, and my gut was reacting in a way I didn't want it to. I loved most Japanese food... but this... this I'd always avoided. Why does it have to be this? I whimpered in my head.

"You don't have to eat it," Yuzu said to me.

"I'll eat it," I suddenly declared, taking the plate. I will. I'll eat what you eat.

And so, I ate it. It was sticky--incredibly sticky--and not at all pleasant to my palate. How could people eat this everyday? I struggled to chew it, and then swallowed it quickly. Don't make a face, Zhenya. Don't be rude.

"I like to eat it with this," Yuzu said, quickly, adding some soy sauce, daikon and mustard to my plate.

It was better Yuzu's way. I might be able to like it like this, in time. But then I heard Yuzu's mom talking again.

"Please excuse me for leaving so quickly. I have to wake up at 3 for a phone call, so I need to sleep early tonight," she said.

3...a.m.? That's right, Japan was 13 hours ahead of us. In order to take care of business or even talk to family, someone had to be awake in the middle of the night. I gazed at the small woman across from me. How much had she done for her son? How much had she sacrificed? More than anyone could ever imagine, I mused.

"Please don't stay up too late either," she addressed Yuzu. She nodded briefly at me. "Oyasuminasai," she said, and then gathered up the dishes and was gone.

That was it? Some brief pleasantries, and a test of my tolerance of soybeans? Somehow it didn't seem like enough. But that's all there was going to be.

Yuzu was looking at me. "Sorry," he said softly.

"We'll try again another time," I said, standing up hurriedly. This wasn't what I'd wanted, but it could have been worse. And for sure this wasn't going to be my last attempt. I wouldn't give up.

"Thanks for trying," he murmured.

"I can get to the bus myself," I said, putting my shoes on, and then turning to look over my shoulder at the door.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I nodded. And then I paused and looked up at him. "Oyasumi."

He reached up and touched my face, his fingers brushing across my skin, his lips unmoving.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I know."

Chapter Text

"The crowds only have one advantage over you," Brian's voice rang out clearly over the ice.

We were at the other rink--it was my turn to practice away from everyone else. Today, we were going over mental preparation. I'd always thought I was good at this part, but Brian always found a new way to open my mind to things I'd never considered before. He skated around me, watching me as I stood in the center, looking around, picturing the stands filled with thousands of people, all eyes on me, waiting for me to begin my program. Maybe he wasn't sure, but I was--I could handle this pressure. I'd done it countless times. I could do it again. Skate Canada was important, though. It was our first big competition together, our first Grand Prix event. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to listen to everything he had to say.

"And what is that?" I asked in reply to his statement.

"The noise."

I could hear them cheering. Cheering my name, cheering my country's name. I loved that sound. How could it put me an disadvantage? I wondered.

"You have to know how to ignore the noise," Brian was saying.

"I understand," I said. "How do we train for that?"

"Sound simulation. We beat them at their own game. We'll be one step ahead of them. We'll practice it now, before it ever unnerves you. We'll do it over and over, so by the time you get there, it won't even phase you."

I tilted my head. Sound simulation. Ahh, crowd noises. I'd heard of this technique before. So, he was going to pump recorded sounds through the speakers while I skated. Cheers, in case I got overconfident, like Rostelecom--maybe a collective gasp if I fell, so I would learn to push on.

"Are you ready?"

I nodded. I could do this.

"Okay, go out to the hallway."

What? I stared at him. "The... hallway?" I stammered.

"There's a TV out there. Watch it."

Puzzled, I followed his orders, finding my blade guards and walking stiffly out the doors to the unfamiliar hallway. I looked around. There was the TV. And then, I blinked. It was paused, but I could already see what it was. It was right in the middle of Alina's Olympic program. It started to play. And then I heard it.

That noise. It was coming from the rink, but it was loud. Deafeningly loud. Every time she landed one of those ridiculously fast jumps, it was like thunder was crashing just outside my bedroom window. How had he known this was my weakness? I was confident in myself. Myself, I could control. But what I couldn't control was... everyone else. This was the fear I needed to learn to overcome. The program was ending, and the roar was so intense I could feel the floors shaking from the sound. Yes, it was just like this in real life. I walked back to the ice, my ankles rigid, my body trembling a little.

Brian was waiting for me as I came out.

"Ignore the noise, Evgenia."

Ignore the noise. I closed my eyes, and then I took the ice.

And then, before I knew it, I was taking the ice again. For real.

It was Skate Canada, and it was my short program. I was ready, thanks to Brian, thanks to Yuzu, thanks to myself. I felt that familiar thrill rush through me as I found my place on the ice, accompanied by the applause of the crowd. I'd made it this far. I'd show them what I could do. The music began.

And then, the evening ended. Evgenia MEDVEDEVA (RUS) - 1, Wakaba HIGUCHI (JPN) - 2, Gabrielle DALEMAN (CAN) - 3.

Brian was proud. I knew Yuzu would be proud, too. I was proud of myself.

"You did it."

Yuzu's arms went around me as I walked into the hotel room that night. I could see my mother smiling at me, too, over his shoulder.

I was honestly surprised he'd insisted on coming, all this way, just to hang out with my mother in the hotel while I was at the stadium, putting the risks that he might be spotted by someone behind the fact that he wanted to be there for me. He said it was for moral support--it was so close to home, after all. I'd appreciated the gesture, especially with the way things were right now. It'd only been a few days, but in those days, I could sense that something was off with us. It was because of the situation with his mom, I knew. It bothered him. It bothered me, too. But we had to be patient. We just had to get through this weekend, and then, we'd talk again--then we'd try again. I had faith in us.

He was there again for me, the next night, before I left.

"One more to go. The next time I see you, you'll be wearing a gold medal around your neck. It'll go great with that dress."

I looked up at him, and then down at that silver dress peeking out from underneath my jacket. "I hope so."

And then, suddenly, it was the final warm-up on the ice. I glanced around at my competitors. Everyone else seemed calm. I could be calm, too. I had to be calm. I was skating last--I had a good wait ahead of me.

I came off the ice with the others and stood behind the boards, waiting for my turn. Why did I feel so jittery right now? I was in first place. All I had to do was skate clean, and the gold should be mine. All I had to do was land that lutz. I knew I could, even if I'd avoided practicing it during the warm-up just now. I looked around for Brian, but he was talking to Gabby. She'd had the worst warm-up of all of us, falling a couple of times, and I knew she needed him right now. He'd be there for me when it was my turn. Right now, I just needed to breathe, to let my body remember what it knew how to do. And, a drink of water would be nice.

"Has anyone seen my water bottle?" I asked no one in particular, wondering where I'd left it. It wasn't like me to misplace my things. I must really be nervous today.

"There's a drinking fountain right out there," someone said to me.

I headed towards the door to the backstage area, but before I could make it to the drinking fountain, I collided into a group of flower girls making their way towards the other entrance.

"Evgenia Medvedeva?"

A small girl tugged on my sleeve. I smiled at her, impressed with how well she'd pronounced my name. She looked to be half-Asian, maybe even half-Japanese. A brief thought flitted through my mind--that maybe, one day--I blinked quickly.

'"Yes, that's me," I said. "Aren't you going to wish me good luck?"

She was still staring at me.

"Are you really Hanyu-senshu's girlfriend now?"

My mouth went so dry my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I looked down, staring at the girl, my mind both full and blank at the same time. What in the world could she possibly mean? And then I plastered a smile on my face.

"Why would you think that, sweetheart?"

"The Instagram. I saw them looking at it." She pointed at some of the teenage girls that were standing a little ways off. They were looking at me, eyeing me strangely, whispering.

Was my heart pounding or had it stopped? I couldn't feel anything. No. I could feel my hands--they were shaking. My body was shaking. I needed to breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I had to move. I had to get out of here. Suddenly my legs became mobile again, and I rushed past the girl to the nearest place of escape--the ladies' room. My cold hands could barely grasp my phone as I pulled it out of the pocket of my jacket, but my fingers moved rapidly to find the photo.

It wasn't an Instagram photo. It was ... a video.

I was hyperventilating now, watching it play in front of my burning eyes. It was us. It was the song, the one that had changed everything--our dance together on the ice where I had finally decided that he could be mine. I knew someone had been watching, but never in a million years had I imagined someone could have been recording. It was all too obvious that this was more than just practice, with the lights like that, and the way we were looking at each like that, moving like that. And the words. Those words that meant so much to me. And now, they were out there, for everyone to hear, and see. Everything we'd done to try to keep us a secret, and now everyone knew. It was my worst nightmare, times 10 million. The video already had thousands of views. It was posted under an anonymous account. Who could have done this to us? Why this? Why right now? I wasn't ready for this. We weren't ready for this. I wanted to scream.

I DID scream, tears gushing all at once out of my eyes.

"Damn you!" I yelled at the internet.

And then, with a rush of energy, I took my phone and hurled it at the wall. It shattered, breaking into pieces, the glass mirroring the broken shards of my heart.

Suddenly my brain came back to me, and I rushed forward, grabbing the phone off the floor. I pressed the buttons furiously, desperately. Nothing but blackness.

"No, no, no."

Yuzu. Yuzu. His name was the only thing in my head now, and now I couldn't call him or text him. Did he know? Had he seen? I slumped to the floor, sobbing. What had I done? Why didn't I ever remember to think first before doing something stupid?

I had no sense of time as I lay there on the dirty tile floor, a strange pain throbbing through me in a way that an injury never had. What happens now? What do we do?

Suddenly the door to the bathroom opened and my heart jumped again.

"Evgenia."

I looked up. It was Brian.

"Get up."

He pulled me to my feet, and then I rushed into his chest, throwing my arms around him. He was the only thing I had right now. He hugged me, tightly. He must know.

"What do I do now?" I asked brokenly.

He stepped back, and looked at me gravely.

"Ignore the noise."

"I can't."

"You can."

It was my turn now. The rest of the girls had skated well, some of them very well, I saw on the scoreboard. But none of that seemed to matter. Everything was in a fog as I stepped out on the ice. Somehow I removed my blade guards. Somehow I saw Brian nodding at me as I backed away from him, my body carrying me out to the center of the glaring white ice. I looked up at the audience looming above me. They were clapping for me, but the sound was hollow in my ears. How many of them knew already? If they didn't know now, they would soon. But then I heard another sound. My mother's voice.

"You really think this won't disrupt your skating?"

I shuddered as I recalled my words. "I promise I won't let it."

I had to be stronger than this. And then, the fog started to clear. And then, the music started.

Before I knew it, I was halfway through the program. My body was relying on muscle memory, and so far it was working. I had to trust myself, trust Brian, trust......

"Bend deeper with your knee here."

"Watch the extension of your arm in this turn."

"Count backwards with the rhythm of the music from here... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... jump! and land exactly with the music."

Look what he's done for you. How could you have gotten this far without him? What if you can never be like this again? What if everything falls apart now? my head was screaming at me.

The triple lutz was coming, but I wasn't ready. I was falling apart.

I can't do this. I can't. Where's the edge?

I fell.

I didn't even remember getting up from the ice, but I did, finding the rhythm of the music again. Act like that didn't happen, I told myself. You can recover from this. But then, I stepped out of the loop, too. The music was moving along, and I was trying to keep up with it. I had time to fix this.

Here was my chance. I could do it, just like Alina. Combination triple lutz--no, that was a flutz--triple loop? No triple loop. I had popped out of it.

It was over. I lost. I was silver.

"We'll talk after the medal ceremony," Brian whispered to me after my scores confirmed it at the kiss and cry.

I stood at Gabby's right on the podium as a silver medal was placed over my silver dress. I smiled for the cameras, because the silver medal was the least of my problems right now. A silver medal I could forget, I could overcome. But this? I had no idea.

I stared blankly ahead as we walked off the ice, into the changing room. The media would be somewhere waiting between me and the exit, but for the first time, I was too scared to face them. I always had something in my mind prepared to say, but now, I had nothing. If--no, WHEN--they asked, what would I say? The truth? I couldn't lie. Could I just avoid it? No, I couldn't. But I could take as long as possible here in this dressing room, couldn't I?

Eventually when everyone was gone, I stripped down, fumbling for my street clothes in my bag. One leg at a time went into my pants, and then I pulled a shirt over my head. When I opened my eyes again, Gabby was standing in front of me. She was still here.

And there was a weird expression on her face.

She'd won gold. Why didn't she look happy? She probably hadn't expected to win. I'd been the favorite here, even though it was her home turf. But maybe she didn't like winning when she knew it was because I'd totally flopped.

"Congratulations, Gabby," I said, trying to sound gracious. She had worked hard, after all. "I'm excited for you. I'll have to watch your skate later. I'm sure it was amazing."

"You forgot your water bottle back there."

I blinked. My brain wasn't working a hundred percent right now, but I knew that wasn't the right response to what I'd just said.

Her lip was shaking, and I was totally confused.

"You should be more careful where you leave your things, you know?"

And then, I saw her looking down at my bag. My head was churning, a hundred thoughts flying in from all directions. I took a step backwards from her, but my legs were jelly and it was all I could do not to collapse.

"It was you?"

Chapter Text

She was shaking like a leaf. That was all the response I needed.

"How could you do this?"

"Listen," she said, her voice cracking. "I'm older. I don't get another Olympics like you. I have to get everything I can now."

I shook my head, unable to believe what was I hearing. "So you'll do it...by getting into people's heads?"

She looked sick to her stomach, but she kept going. "I just played the cards I had, okay?"

My shoulders sunk, all the energy draining out of me like I was bleeding. "I thought we were friends."

"You have no idea what I've been through," was her terse response.

I stared at her, staggered. "How can you think this is fair?" 

"Fair?" she burst out. "Don't talk to ME about FAIR!"

My eyes flashed in response. What did she mean?

"I'm not stupid. I know Yuzu fixed your flutz. Don't you think we'd all like secret tips from a two-time Olympic champion? But no. We pay for the coaches we can afford."

I could feel my face flushing now, my stomach twisted in knots, the sound of her words biting into me more than a sharp blade would cut into the ice in a hard turn.

"You're only paying for Brian and Tracy, but you get Yuzuru for free? Or..." She paused for emphasis, a sourness lacing her next words as her eyes squinted narrowly. "Or are you paying him in other ways?"

My face was on fire. Furious at her insinuation, I felt my hand moving on its own. But at the last second, I remembered my phone. Think before you act, Zhenya. You won't be able to take this back. I stopped myself, inches from slapping her face, my hand frozen mid-air.

"Zhenya!"

The sound of his voice would have stopped me if I hadn't already on my own.

I spun towards the dressing room door in shock. Any other time I would have been speechless, but this time I just cried out at him hoarsely.

"What are you doing here?"

Yuzu swallowed, his face pale, and then he looked from me to Gabby. He was shaking his head slowly, his mouth open like he was gasping for air.

"Gabby?" he breathed.

"Yuzu?" A look of horror passed across her face, her eyes glazing over.

I'd lost my voice now, and could only look at Yuzu in despair. He rushed over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes. I would have been relieved to see him if I wasn't so absolutely terrified at how he'd gotten here. But then his eyes dropped down, locking on the silver medal.

"No," he whispered.

"It's fine," I said.

"You're actually together?"

As if in slow motion, we both turned to look at Gabby. Her face was white as a sheet, her eyes red. "You're not actually together," she said as if she wanted it to be true. "Are you?"

I stood paralyzed as Yuzu reached forward and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her roughly. "No one was supposed to know!" he shouted.

She fell back. "How could I have known? You... you kept telling me there was nothing." She looked at me, her large eyes wide with shock.

I looked away. That was true. We both had.

"I even checked to be sure--I made Matt ask for your number, and you gave it to him!" she yelled at me. "I was just trying to... throw you off a little. I thought it would blow over like last time. I never meant--"

Suddenly, she rushed out of the room, leaving us in her wake.

Dazed, I turned to face him.

"Did anyone see you?"

"I don't know. Maybe--probably. A few."

"Why did you come?"

"You didn't answer."

I reached into my bag and held out the phone to him. He took one look at the cracked, broken thing and wrapped me up in his arms. I dropped the phone again, relief finally flooding through me as I felt his warmth, his closeness. He'd come here for me, risking everything, so we could face this together. I wouldn't have to do this on my own. Maybe we weren't ready--but when would we ever be? Now, together, we could answer the questions, own up to the truth, and ride the storm out.

"I wasn't sure you'd know what to do," he was saying.

I hadn't. I'd been lost.

"I was afraid you would tell them."

Suddenly my body stiffened. I stepped back from him.

"What?"

"Good," he nodded. "So you weren't going to."

"What are you saying?" I started to tremble. "You want me to go out there and lie?"

He suddenly frowned, realizing his assumption had been wrong. "You want to go out there and tell the truth? Do you know what will happen if you do? To you? To us?"

I stared at him. I knew it would be bad. We would be opening the floodgates. It'd make headlines in Japan, for sure, maybe even here. The media would come and hunt us down, crazed fans might threaten me. There were a million ways this could go wrong. It sounded like relationship suicide. But I'd faced an angry nation before. I'd been called a traitor and had my name dragged through the mud. I'd stood behind my decision then, and I'd stand behind this one now. Hadn't it been worth it then? Wouldn't it be worth it now?

"I know it'll be hard. But we can do this. Together." I was pleading with him more than I was telling him.

"Not this way," Yuzu shook his head. "Trust me, it won't work."

Trust him. Yes, I had to trust him.

"There IS something else we can do together, to stop this," he said quickly.

Hope surged inside as I searched his eyes. He had a plan? "Really? What?"

"We have to go. I'll tell you when we get out of here."

I shook my head. "They'll be out there waiting for me. For you, too, if anyone saw you."

"So we'll do what we always do," he said.

And then, suddenly, he grabbed my hand, and we went out the opposite door, the way I'd come in, the way back to the ice. I sucked in my breath as we burst out into the stadium. I looked up at the stands. They were empty. For now. Who knew when some event staff could come in? We were out here in the open, exposed.

So we ran, barging through the sideboard doors, across the ice itself. Even slipping a bit in our street shoes, it was the fastest way to escape. On the other side, we darted and dashed through hallways to find the back exit. Finally, we were safe in Yuzu's car again.

Silence overtook us as he drove. And then I finally got the courage to say what had been on my mind the whole time we'd been fleeing the venue.

"We can't always run."

He said nothing.


---


"You want to do what?" My mouth hung open in disbelief.

"It could work."

"You can't skate an exhibition at an event you weren't a part of!" I shook my head. This was insane.

"I can pull some strings," he said. "Do you think they're really going to say no to Yuzuru Hanyu?"

I scoffed at him.

"Let me take care of the logistics."

I sat down on the bed in his hotel room, my mind blank, my body numb. "So tell me how this is going to help us?"

"Right now, everyone thinks we're together because of that, because it looks like... you know..."

"Like we have feelings for each other?" Could he not even say it?

"But it also looks like an exhibition. If we do it as an exhibition, they'll believe that was just us practicing for some future EX to perform at Worlds, or next summer. People have always wanted us to do an EX. We'll say it was because of pressure from the fans."

"The words, Yuzu."

"I know what the words are."

"No one is going to believe this."

"It's our only choice."

"No, it's not."

"It is!"

We were at at standstill. I knew Yuzu could be obstinate, but this was frustrating. Why was he refusing to consider that we could come out with the truth right now? Did he intend to keep it a secret forever?

He was still talking.

"They'll believe it if it looks real. I've been thinking of some things to do already."

I could feel the heat of my own temper rising. But this was not the time to fight. We were only strong if we were a united front. I stood up. "Okay, show me."

He sat down with his notebook and I looked over his shoulder as he started to write out a layout. My stomach twinged. He was ... changing it? His explanations were fading out of my ears as he talked through each element out loud. He was fixing it. Adding things, taking things out. Making it... better, according to him. What was wrong with the way it was? my head screamed at him. It had been beautiful, magical when it happened all at once like that. It had been special to me. It had been...perfect. And now he was ruining it. It suddenly felt like something was pressing against my throat, no, wrapping around it and squeezing tighter and tighter.

"And here... well... we can still jump together. That was good. But it can be a sal--"

I flashed back to my fall in the free, and the feeling of cracking under pressure. I was cracking again. I couldn't take this anymore. "I can do the lutz, Yuzuru," I spat out.

His eyes shot up to mine, alarmed. I knew I never said his name like that.

"Zhenya," he said. "Don't be like this."

"Don't be like this?" Suddenly all my self-control disappeared, my words boiling over. "This is wrong. You're wrong. I'm not doing this."

I spun on my heel and left the room without waiting for his reply, stumbling down the hallway to the elevator, back to my mom's room. I had a choice. I didn't have to do this with him.

I wilted into my mother's arms when she opened the door.

"I saw everything, Janny," she said quietly. And then I burst into tears.

"He never came here," she said. "Did he find you?"

"He wants to do the song as an exhibition," I blubbered after a few seconds.

She didn't respond right away, and I could feel my stomach tightening up again. "Don't tell me he's doing it to protect me again," I said, pulling away from her embrace.

She shook her head. "I can't tell you what's going on," she said. "He's been acting different lately."

"I know," I nodded. I hadn't told her about what had happened with his mother. How she didn't support us, either. I blinked, remembering how he'd put it off as long as possible, trying to avoid hearing the inevitable. Was that what he was doing now? Just trying to buy us more time? But just like she'd found us and we'd had to face it, we'd been caught again. We had to face the truth again. 

"You're both so exhausted. You'll think better in the morning. Try to get some sleep," she said.

I agreed, and mechanically went through the motions of getting ready for bed. Once the lights were out and I was under the covers, though, my brain wouldn't shut off. I lay there for a long time. I replayed the free. It was humiliating, even in my mind. Then the conversation with Gabby--my heart ached. Then, us running away. What had happened with the media? Wasn't my absence too conspicuous? Surely the rumors must be flying, the speculations about my poor decisions at an all-time high. Maybe it was good my phone was broken, so I didn't have the temptation to look at all of that. But it also meant I didn't have another thing I had become dependent on before going to sleep. He hadn't said good night.

It wasn't a good night. It was the worst night. I squeezed my eyes shut, even though it didn't change the darkness around me. He was only a few floors above me, but I had never felt so far from him as I did right now. What if refusing to trust him made me lose him? What if this was the thing that separated us forever?

I listened to the soft breathing of my mother in the bed next to mine. She was asleep. Slowly, quietly, I slipped out of bed--out of the room.

I knew he was surprised to see me when he opened the door. "Zhenya," he said softly.

"Can I come in?"

He swallowed. "Just--give me a second," he said, and he started to close the door in front of me.

I frowned. Was he hiding something from me? I reached forward and shoved the door back. He drew in a sharp breath and tried to block me with his body.

"What's going on with you?" I hissed, and pushed my way around him. Then I saw it--the laptop open on his desk. I let out a breath, closing my eyes.

"You're watching my skate?"

"I hadn't seen it yet. I just wanted to know what happened," he spoke haltingly, his voice shaking a bit.

My cheeks burned. And then, a cold feeling hit me like an ice bucket had been dumped over my head. "Wait. You hadn't seen it yet?" My stomach turned over. "Then why did you take out the lutz?"

His eyes were clouded over. "I just thought--with the pressure..."

His words cut into me. "You just thought I couldn't do it," I choked, stepping back from him. "You don't believe in me."

"I do believe in you," he insisted. "But I want everyone else to believe in you, too. If we reveal it now, then everything they're saying about you will look real. That you came here for me, and not for Brian. That you can't do this on your own. I know that's not true."

Is that what people were saying on the internet? That I was just a silly girl with a crush on a cute Olympian like everyone else? That I was on the way down, that I was desperate to hang onto my dwindling stardom so I'd latched onto him instead? I hated this feeling. Why couldn't I have just landed that lutz? If I'd won, things would look different. I'd be at the top of my game again, and who could say I wasn't good enough on my own, good enough for him?

"They wouldn't be saying those things if I hadn't failed today and let it get into my head," I said. This was my fault.

"This isn't your fault," he said as if he'd read my mind. "This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't in the picture. If we'd never done that."

My eyes locked on his, and I wondered if he could see the pain he was inflicting throughout every inch of my body at his words.

"First, you want to change everything about it, and now... you wish it wouldn't have happened at all?" I asked bitterly.

He stepped closer to me, his eyebrow twitching. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I'm responsible--"

I stepped away. "We're both responsible," I cut him off. "So we'll do it together."

He stared at me.

"And, I can do the lutz."

"You'll really do this?"

I nodded.

He looked relieved. "Okay, then."

"Do you even have your skates?" My brain was disconnecting emotionally from this, thinking of practical things.

"I always have my skates."

"What will you wear?"

He shook his head. "I'll come up with something. What do you have?"

"I have the red dress from the other EX I'm not doing."

"That'll be good." He cleared his throat. "You should get some rest." He turned, and sat down at the desk again.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said quietly, hopefully.

He was already scratching more notes furiously in his notebook. "Okay."

I closed the door behind me, and my tired legs finally gave out. I sunk to the floor, tears spilling over. He never said good night.

Chapter Text

I stared in the mirror of the changing room. Red lips, red dress. I looked fine, but why did I feel so awful? I could hear the music from the gala outside. It was better that I was in here, alone. Practice today had been painful. No one had talked to me beyond anything that was necessary for rehearsal, but even that made it all too obvious that everyone knew something was wrong. I suppose I should be grateful that my friends were being respectful. And then there was Gabby. She couldn't even make eye contact with me. That hurt worst of all.

Yuzu was outside watching--we were waiting on the opposite side of the rink as everyone else, out of the view of the cameras. He said he'd come get me when it was almost our turn. Even now, he was still obsessed with seeing what everyone else was doing, wasn't he? Or maybe he just didn't want to be around me. Things had been tense when we'd gone over our number earlier today. It'd been brief, since he'd only been able to secure a small time slot when it could be just us. But it had been bad. He'd barreled through it like a steam engine on a single track, listening to none of my suggestions. The program wouldn't be the same--I'd resolved it in my mind. It would be just a performance. 

Suddenly the door opened and I stood up. He looked... beautiful. His outfit was simple, all black, and his hair was slightly off his forehead. He looked like a dream.

"It's almost time," he said.

I took a deep breath, and locked my hands together. They were shaking.

"Are you ready?" he asked. "Do you remember the layout?"

"I remember," I said, my eyes down. I was too tired to snap back anymore. I just wanted to be done with this.

There was a long pause, and I found my eyes drifting back up to his. The expression on his face was indecipherable. I hated how I couldn't tell what he was thinking anymore. What was happening to us?

"Yuzu." The words came out of my mouth involuntarily, and they sounded broken, desperate in my own ears. My hands dropped to my sides, limp.

It was sudden and, at the same time, it felt like it was in slow motion, the way he strode toward me, crossing the space between us in just a few steps. Before I knew it, his lips were pressing into my lips, his arms pulling my body close to his. The last two days had felt like a long, agonizing fall after a badly timed jump, but somehow I was still here, believing I could hold onto the landing. All the anxiety that had been building inside me and all the distance that had been threatening to separate us seemed to disappear for just a moment as he kissed me, as I got lost in the cloudy dream of us connected together. I clung to him, and he responded to my fingers grasping his shirt by letting his tongue slip into my mouth so we could feel more of each other. Then his slender form somehow completely enveloped me, his hands sliding down my back and then surrounding my hips and gripping them with a strength that made me unsteady. My face flushed with the heat of the moment, my lips craving for more. What was he doing? This wasn't the right time for this, was it? Why did this feel like he was begging for every ounce of me right now? Why did this feel so amazing? His mouth circled over mine, and then he pulled away.

"I'll always love you," he whispered, his forehead against mine.

Why did that sound like.... good bye?

I was too dizzy from his kiss to form any coherent question.

"We only have a little time left," he said, brushing his cheek softly over my own. My heart raced, but then he took a step backwards, looking at me. "You should... fix..." His finger brushed over my lips.

"I will. I'll be there in a second."

And then I was by his side.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome two-time Olympic gold medalist Yuzuru Hanyu and Olympic silver medalist Evgenia Medvedeva!"

My stomach pinched at the sound of our names, like that. But the thunderous noise coming from the stands above us drowned out any further thought. It was unreal, the sound that accompanied us stepping into the spotlight, our hands linked together. I knew it was because of him--no one could elicit more screaming than he could--and the fact that this was a total surprise to the audience magnified it even more. But then the roar died away, and I became keenly aware of the sound that had replaced it. A buzzing, humming sound. Whispers. The audience seemed to sense what was coming. They knew. Everything I'd temporarily forgotten during that kiss came raging back and my stomach wrenched with fear again.

Yuzu's hand left mine and he took the position we had--no, that HE had--decided on, his back to me.

The crowds grew still as the music started, the spotlight focusing on just him.

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide

It was hard to ignore the irony of the words. As Yuzu's body flowed into motion, I flashed back to that night. He had been so confident, so sure that we could do this, then. Now, here on this ice, he turned, and I saw him looking at me. I could read his eyes now, and they were filled with uncertainty.

I stepped forward, sooner than I had the first time. Yuzu had said it didn't make sense for me to wait so long to join him. If only he could hear what he'd said.

I know you want me
So don't keep saying our hands are tied

I glanced over at him. He was fumbling, leaving out things he'd been so insistent that we needed. My heart jumped. Maybe the words were getting to him. Don't do this, Yuzu. Then this will all be for nothing. His eyes met mine as I moved towards him, but we were out of step with each other. We can do this, Yuzu. We can do this together.

You claim it's not in the cards
And fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me

And then, without warning, he took my hand and pressed it to his chest. I blinked. This wasn't in the plan. He was changing it, again. The words were getting to him, just like they'd gotten to me that night.

But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you're my destiny?

His hands moved mine through his hair, across his shoulders, and then he spun me away, and caught me back to him. I prayed the ice would cool the warmth rising through my body at his touch. Everyone is going to see, like this, Yuzu. Does this mean you don't care if they do? My chest heaved with hope that it did.

The song moved on, but what was happening out here was nothing like we'd practiced. He was letting the music control him, and I found us totally in sync again without even trying. He was confident again, allowing me back into his mind for this moment. The realization coursed through me, even more heady than the sensation I'd felt when our bodies had drawn close just now. He could see it, couldn't he? That even when we tried to control it, nothing couldn't stop us, not even out here, in front of everyone. Nothing could keep us apart.

It was my turn now, but I blanked for a second. I hurriedly went back to the choreography he'd designed, having no cues from him to do otherwise.

You think it's easy / You think I don't want to run to you
But there are mountains / And there are doors that we can't walk through

These words. No, don't listen to these words, my mind pleaded.

I know you're wondering why / When it can be just you and me
Within these walls / But when we go outside
You're gonna wake up and see / That it was hopeless after all

He broke his own rules again and came close to me, his face brushing against my skin once more. And then, just as quickly, he was gone. Why did that give me physical pain--feeling him so near only to have him leave?

No one can rewrite the stars / How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart / And I'm not the one you were meant to find

My eyes searched for him on the ice, but his eyes were empty and unfocused.

No, we had to focus. I had to focus. The music swirled around us, and then suddenly, it was time for the lutzes. He'd put them into the layout sooner than they'd happened the first time, but I wasn't going to let the fact that they weren't where I wanted them to mess me up this time. I was ready. I'd prove it to him. I launched into the jump and hit it perfectly. In a flash, I glanced over to Yuzu. He was still on his feet, but he was wobbly. What was going on? Get it together, Yuzu.

I forced myself to forget about it as we entered into hydroblades, the crowd loving it. And then he was holding me again, spinning me together with him. I relaxed in his arms for just a second, but then I looked at him. He wasn't looking at me. My stomach dropped. This was the moment that had changed everything before. Was everything changing again?

It feels impossible
Is it impossible?

The last chorus sped by in hyperspeed. I don't even know what happened, just that Yuzu was disconnected. We were disconnected. Sweat was dripping down my back, but it was more than just a reaction to the physical exertion of the routine. The darkness that surrounded us was closing in, like it had before I'd passed out that night, and my boots suddenly felt like they weighed twice as much as they should. And then, the spotlight changed, only on me for the last moments of the song. I stood still, my mind blank and my feet unsure. This hadn't played that night. Had we practiced this? I couldn't remember anything.

You know I want you / It's not a secret I try to hide
But I can't have you / We're bound to break and my hands are tied.

The lights went off for a split second at the end, and when they came back on, the audience was cheering like mad. I turned for Yuzu so we could take a bow.

Suddenly my heart stopped.

The lights shutting off must have messed with my orientation. Where was he? I looked to my left--my right--behind me. With each turn of my head, I felt my throat closing as the realization hit me.

He was gone.

My pulse throbbed in my head. This wasn't happening. How could he have just... left me out here? In front of everyone? Wait, I was still in front of everyone. Had much time had passed just now? They were still applauding. I forced myself to bow, my face burning. The lights went down again, and I had never been more grateful for the chance to finally run from the ice.

I burst into the dressing room. It was empty. I collapsed onto the bench, numb. The music from the closing number of the gala registered in my ears, but I couldn't move. I couldn't go back out there. Not now. Not alone.

But then it slowly dawned on me that I had something else to face alone now. There was no avoiding it this time. With a whole day to rally their forces, the media would be unstoppable. And now, after a performance like that, they'd be vicious for answers.

I felt like throwing up. "What now?" I cried out as if he could hear me, falling forward and crumpling on the floor. I needed him right now. And he'd abandoned me. Was I supposed to tell the truth? Was I supposed to lie? It felt like something was crushing my bones. Why was this awful burden falling on me? AGAIN?

Had he really just run away... from me?

Tears spilled over, running down my face, dripping off my chin. But I caught myself before I let myself completely dissolve, knowing I didn't have much time to recover before I needed to go out there. I crawled forward, then stood up, looking in the mirror. My mascara was already ruined. I should fix...

I closed my eyes, remembering the intensity of Yuzu's kiss. It had been goodbye.

Chapter Text

Lights from camera flashes temporarily blinded me, but after a moment my eyes adjusted and the star-shaped white dots began to fade away. I picked out familiar faces in the swarm of media in front of me, people I knew wouldn't attack me right away. It was terrifying, the horde of people shoving microphones and audio recorders in my face, but I had to start somewhere.

"Why did you and Hanyu do the exhibition skate now?"

The question itself slightly relieved me, since they truly were identifying it as an exhibition skate. I chose my words carefully.

"We've been working on it for a while. Since the footage already leaked, it didn't make sense to wait for months to reveal it," I said. It was kind of the truth. It had been a while since we were... working on this.

"Why this song?"

That was tougher. "It was a song we both knew and it seemed to fit." I swallowed a tiny bit. That wasn't a good answer. It seemed to fit...? What are you saying, Evgenia?

"Where is Yuzuru Hanyu right now?"

My heart jumped. That, I had no answer for. I looked around, hopeful to see Brian or someone who could give me some backup. Instead, my eyes fell on Gabby. She was only a few feet away, a tiny gathering of reporters around her compared to the massive throng clamoring for position in front of me. She was the gold medalist of the event, and here I was, still stealing all the attention. She probably hated me even more now.

And then someone just blurted it out. It was inevitable.

"Are you and Hanyu in a relationship?"

I had to lie, didn't I? The thought made me want to cry and vomit at the same time. I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to deny it. But what choice did I have? I took a deep breath, my lips getting ready to form the words I despised. Maybe it wouldn't be a lie, now. Maybe we weren't, anymore. I didn't even know.

Just then, someone bumped their hip into mine, throwing me slightly off balance. I looked up, taken aback. Gabby? What was she doing here?

But she wasn't looking at me. She was looking the reporters straight in the eyes, her face hard and determined.

"Look, we all care very much about each other at TCC," she said, her tone kind of snapping a bit.

The reporters were just as stunned as I was at her interruption. And then, she glanced down at me briefly before saying the next words a bit more quietly. "Things aren't always how they look from the outside."

I blinked slowly, the realization of what she'd just said--what she'd just DONE--for me washing over me. There was a strained moment of silence, and then the media started buzzing again with questions, talking all over each other to the point I couldn't hear a single voice above the others.

Until one rang out loud and clear.

"That is all the questions we will be taking today."

It was Brian, waving his hands in the air, signaling the end of my brief but awful interrogation. I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, and my shoulders slumped in exhaustion as Brian's body finally shielded me from the scathing eyes of the broadcasters and journalists, leading me away from the media room.

"You really need an agent," he muttered once I was in his car.

"I'm sorry, Brian," I suddenly said.

He looked over at me briefly. "Me, too."

"Is it over?"

He was quiet.

"He's gone, isn't he?" I struggled to keep my composure, my voice just barely audible.

"He asked me to take care of you," Brian replied.

It should have been comforting, knowing that he'd thought enough to ask our coach to rescue me from the disaster he'd forced me to face alone. But to me, it only meant one thing. That he wasn't taking care of me anymore.

I closed my eyes, leaning back on the headrest, letting my mind drift back through the moments that had meant so much to me... him unlacing my skates, bandaging my wrist, arguing with Brian over coming to the hospital, carrying my bag, supporting me each time I struggled on the ice, finding me in the storm, working through the night to break my fever, being patient with me as I worked through my fears. He'd always taken care of me, even when I didn't think I needed it. The list seemed endless, but... it did have an end. And this was it. Now, when I needed him the most--he wasn't there.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," I said to my mom when I saw her face back at the hotel. She looked for a long second at me, and then glanced over my shoulder at Brian.

"Thank you, for keeping her safe."

"You'd better head out before they find you here," Brian said simply.

I saw our suitcases already ready to go. The airport wasn't far from here. We could get there before everyone else if we left now.

I hated this. I hated running.

---

The feeling of hate drove me back to the place where I could always get rid of it. My mother had thought I was crazy, going out on my own this late at night after we'd spent the afternoon traveling back home. But I needed to get someplace quiet, someplace I could sort out my thoughts.

My fingers methodically threaded the laces of my skates at the rink, my scattered thoughts slowing their pace. Why had this happened? Why had he run away? I tried to make sense of it all. I racked my brain. I wished I knew where he was. I wished we could just talk, sort this out together. It wasn't too late, was it? Wasn't there still a way out of this mess? Or had he given up on me? Wasn't he the one who said it didn't matter what happened, or who saw us? I thought you were different than this, Yuzu. I thought you were...

"I'm not as brave as you think I am."

His words came furiously back into my mind. Could it be that the great Yuzuru Hanyu who exuded confidence and represented strength to so many had run away because he was... afraid? The thought shook me inside. I'd had fears since the beginning, that this was too good to be true, that I wasn't enough for him, that I'd lose him. How was it that I'd never considered his side? Had I put him on so high of a pedestal that I had disregarded that he might have fears, too? He could be scared, too. But of what, though? Of the media? Didn't he always say he didn't care what people thought?

Suddenly I remembered what he'd said last night.

"If we reveal it now, then everything they're saying about you will look real. That you came here for me, and not for Brian. That you can't do this on your own."

A familiar sensation rippled through me, another conversation came washing back into my memory. He DID care what people thought.

"Just admit it. You care what everyone thinks."
"You're right. But I have to."

What had he said next? There was something. My head hurt trying to remember. I closed my eyes, and the words came back slowly but surely.

"Somehow everything I do makes things worse for you. It's because... of who I am. I never meant to hurt you."

My eyes flew open. Had he left... for me? Was he scared that things would always be this way, that he would always just end up hurting me? In his mind, was leaving me on the ice the lesser crime compared to staying in my life?

"This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't in the picture."

No, Yuzu. This isn't the answer. This isn't what I want. I don't need to be protected, I'm stronger than this now. I'm braver now, just like you said. Brave enough to handle silver, brave enough to face the world. You can be brave, too, if you'd stand by my side.

The next instant, I was in the media box at the far end of the rink, navigating to the audio setup. I picked the song, and let it start to play as I made my way back to the ice. (Brave by Sara Bareilles)

You can be amazing / You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast / Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do / And they settle neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight / Sometimes a shadow wins

I stepped onto the ice, yanking off my blade guards, letting the energy of the music build in me until I struck the ice with my skates.

But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

It was a fight song, and I wished more than anything I could find him, let him listen to these words, so that they could convince him that there was another way besides this.

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down / By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing / Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue / Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in / Show me how big your brave is

My hair had come loose in the rapid pace of the song, and now it was flowing around me like the words of the song.

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

The music slammed to a finish, but I heard another slam. I looked at the door, my already pounding heartbeat escalating even higher. Had someone been here? Who would be here right now? Could it have been... him? I hurriedly left the ice, taking off my skates faster than I had ever done before. I dashed to the Zamboni room.

It was empty.

You're imagining things again, Zhenya, I tried to tell myself as I walked back down the hallway. It couldn't have been him. I looked down, shaking my head. And then, a little glint of silver caught my eye. I bolted forward, dropping to my knees. I picked it up, my heart catching in my throat.

It was a hair tie. It could have been any hair tie. But I knew it was mine. He had been here. Had he seen all that? Had it not made a difference? 

Why are you giving up? I wanted to scream at him. Why are you leaving with so much left unspoken between us?

And then suddenly, I stood up. A spine-tingling chill charged through me. That song wasn't just for him. It was for me.

I...was the one who hadn't spoken up.

I was always only saying half of what I felt, hoping he'd magically read my mind. It was why he hadn't understood my feelings that night in the storm, why he didn't understand my feelings now. I could have argued my point about facing the media together, I could have stood my ground about doing the exhibition. But I hadn't. I thought I was so brave, wearing that silver dress. I thought I was so brave, facing the media on my own. But I hadn't been brave... with him... the one person who needed to understand me more than any of those other people.

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I couldn't let a song speak for me. I had to speak for myself. I couldn't sit around waiting for him to come to me. I had to go to him.

And so, I ran. Down the hallway, out the door, into the parking lot. I looked frantically for his car--it was there, but he wasn't in it. Where was he? Suddenly a sound caught my attention, and my eyes darted across the road, to the bus stop. The sound had been the brakes lifting... it was about to leave.

I barely checked the road for traffic as I ran across the pavement, desperate to catch the bus before it was gone. It was already on its way by the time I reached it, and my feet slammed to a stop as I realized I was too late. I bent over, trying to catch my breath.

And then I looked up at the bus, a memory flashing through my mind. And just like my memory, there he was, looking out the window back at me. His face was pale this time, his eyes red.

I shook my head. He might be leaving, but I wasn't going to let this moment pass by without speaking the words in my heart. I lifted my hands to my mouth, and yelled as loud as I could.

"I'm not giving up on you, Yuzuru Hanyu!"

Chapter Text

I had only knocked once when the door opened. "I need to see him."

His mother stood in front of me, the door only half open again.

"He needs... space," was her quiet reply.

I knew he was inside there somewhere, hurting just like I was. "He needs me," I insisted. "We need each other."

"This isn't just about you."

I blinked quickly, confused.

"When you see that, come talk to him again," she said softly. And before I could say anything else, she closed the door.

My eyes moved rapidly as my brain struggled to make sense of her response, and then my feet moved slowly towards the stairs, taking me back downstairs. There was something I was missing, something I didn't understand, again. What was it?

I was too exhausted to think. The brutality of the weekend was catching up to me--too many difficult skates, too little sleep. I felt myself fading, my legs weakening underneath me. Just hold on a little longer, Zhenya, I told myself. Just get home tonight.

Somehow, I did. 

-- 

Stroking class, 10 a.m. I bent down to lace my skates, but my fingers were shaking a bit. What if he was here this morning? What if he wasn't?

"At least you're here," a voice bellowed out from the entrance. "Where's Yuzu? Where's Gabby?"

I looked up in relief at Jason. His voice had been its usually boisterous self just now, but the expression on his face was one of sympathy.

"You look like you could use a hug," he said, stretching his arms out wide.

That was exactly what I needed. "Stay strong," he said, patting me on the back. "You're a tough cookie."

"A cookie?" I said, stepping back, almost laughing.

"It's just an expression," he grinned.

Just then, our conversation was interrupted by a commotion at the rink door. A young man I didn't recognize was pushing his way in, a security guard failing at holding him back. I caught my breath. He was... Japanese. Panic ripped through me. Was he a reporter? Were they here to interrogate me more? I made an immediate about face, trying to prevent him from seeing me.

But then I suddenly realized I could understand what he was yelling. "I just left something over there! I just need to get it--my boss will kill me if I don't!"

I turned around, slowly. The security guard was shoving him out, obviously unable to understand him.

"Chotto matte, kudasai! " I suddenly yelled out. Jason gave me a look, but I charged forward towards the two men.

"What did you leave here?" I asked the man in Japanese. He looked relieved for a second to hear his own language, but then his eyes widened as he recognized me.

"Medo-chan? You speak Japanese?"

I shook my head. "Just tell me why you're here."

"I was here Friday filming Yuzuru Hanyu for a documentary. For the earthquake survivors. I left a tripod worth 67,000 yen. My boss wants it back." He was rushing through his words, but I found myself hanging onto just a few of them, the rest of them fading out.

My breathing was increasing its pace. For the earthquake survivors. The earthquake. The survivors.

"Please," the man pressed.

I forced myself to focus and faced the security guard. "He just needs to get some equipment he forgot on Friday," I said in English. The guard raised an eyebrow but consented to let him in.

"Let's begin, please," Tracy's voice called out from the ice.

My head spun as I stepped onto the slick surface of the ice. This was the missing piece... this was what I couldn't remember yesterday.

"Just admit it. You care what everyone thinks."
"You're right. But I have to. Everyone is depending on me. I have to worry about my family, the coaches, the fans, Sendai... Japan."

My family... the coaches... the fans... Sendai... Japan.

"This isn't just about you."

It wasn't just about me. It was so much more than me.

"Maybe one day, you'll understand."

The music was starting, but I wasn't listening. The answers were coming to me, finally. He hadn't left because he didn't love me. He had left because he loved everyone else, too. The realization flooded through me, beginning to choke me. How could I ask him to choose me over thousands of others who needed him? Who was I to take so much from him when I couldn't give him nearly as much as he'd given me? Was this too much? Should I give up, too?

"Can't we get something more upbeat around here?" Jason's voice interrupted my thoughts. "What's with Tracy's music these days?"

Suddenly my ears tuned into the music, the lyrics seeping into me. (I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz)

And when you're needing your space / To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting / To see what you find

Cause even the stars, they burn / Some even fall to the Earth
We've got a lot to learn / God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I stared ahead, the words hitting me like bullets now.

I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily /  I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use /  The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend /  For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in/  I had to learn what I've got and what I'm not and who I am 

I was Evgenia Medvedeva, World Champion. I was brave. I was a survivor, too. We were different, on many levels, but we were similar in too many ways to ignore. I did have something to give him. I wouldn't leave him alone to figure this out. I wouldn't--I couldn't--give up. 

I won't give up on us / Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love / I'm still looking up 

My body was trembling now. Overwhelmed by emotion, I tripped over my skates. 

"You okay?" Jason asked. 

"I have to go," I blurted out. I broke out of the group, practically running towards the sidelines. I knew what I had to do now. 

"I'll just... be here, then, alone," Jason called out after me, but I barely heard him. I was pulling off my skates, grabbing my bag. 

The next thing I knew, I was pounding on the door of his apartment again. My heart was racing, my lungs gasping for more oxygen. Finally his mother answered, and I bowed deeply. 

"I understand it now," I said. "Please, let me see him." 

She took a deep breath, and I hoped that meant she was considering my request. 

"He's locked himself up, hasn't he? He won't talk, right?" 

" Hai ," she responded, her voice cracking, and now I could see the worry written all over her face. 

"Let me try. Please." 

Our eyes locked together for one brief, intense moment, and then... she opened the door. 

"Arigatou gozaimaisu ," I breathed out, and then I rushed past her, heading towards his room. I lifted my hand to knock on his door, but it opened before I had a chance. 

"Zhenya." 

Had he ever said my name like that? And then, without warning, he threw his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. "I missed you," he whispered, and then, just as suddenly he let me go. 

I blinked. I hadn't expected that, but I wasn't going to get thrown off my course. 

"Come with me," I said. 

"Where?" 

"You'll see." 

I could almost see him digging his feet into the ground, and his eyes darted over to his mother watching the scene. "I'm not going." 

Even that look confirmed what I knew to be true. He was afraid, just like he'd been that day. But now I knew why. "You went before," I reminded him. 

"That was a mistake." He looked carefully at me, almost like he was checking for my reaction. 

Before, those words would have hurt me, silenced me. But I understood him better now. I knew he was hiding from the truth again, just trying to push me away because it was what he thought he should do. I wasn't falling for it anymore. 

"It wasn't a mistake. You liked it." 

"I--didn't." 

"Stop lying to yourself, Yuzu. You did." I held his gaze solidly. And finally, he didn't argue back. 

I turned my eyes to his mother's, and I saw him looking, too. She saw the question in my expression, I knew. Can I take him? Will you let me? Without saying a word, she gave a simple nod. And that little victory gave me the strength I needed to take Yuzu's hand in mine. 

Suddenly I was sitting on the bus, Yuzu by my side. It would be a long ride. But it would be worth it. 

--- 

"Why here, Zhenya?" 

He was staring at the words on the marquee at the front of the bus, and his voice was small and hesitant. I knew when he realized where we'd stopped, he'd balk. 

I stood up, but he didn't move. 

"Please do this with me," I said softly. 

His face was pale and tight. "I can't." 

"This is the most beautiful place in this city--in this country--and you don't want see it. Why?" 

"I don't know." 

"I do. You're afraid." 

He frowned. "How do you know what I'm afraid of? I've never told you." 

"I know," I said. There were lots of things we hadn't told each other, but that had to change now, if there was any chance for us. 

I looked up to the front of the bus. Everyone else had gotten off. We couldn't wait anymore. It was time. 

And so, I took him by the hand, leading him off the bus, taking him away from the crowds to a place I knew would be safe for both of us. His hand was shaking in mine in a way I'd never felt before, and I instinctively tightened my grip. And then, we turned the corner, and suddenly everything was in full view. 

"You're afraid of this," I said softly. 

I don't even know if he heard me. His eyes were fixated, entranced. He'd never seen it before. He'd never seen Niagara Falls. 

I'd been here once before, but looking at it now, I was seeing it with Yuzu's eyes, and somehow it was even more awe-inspiring in this moment than it had been the first time. Against the cloudless sky, Niagara was massive, churning thunderously with white and aqua foam, unimaginably high and wide. It was wild, and out of control, and powerful, and beautiful, just like the man standing beside me. 

"How did you know?" he whispered. 

"You haven't come here because you're afraid of it. You're afraid of seeing how amazing and wonderful it is. You're afraid of letting yourself get attached to another place, another city, because you feel like you owe so much to your home." 

He tore his eyes from the beauty of the Falls to look into my eyes. "You're right. But I didn't ask for this. It's who I am. I'm not just Yuzuru Hanyu, Olympic gold medalist. I'm Yuzuru Hanyu, earthquake survivor." 

I saw the pain in his eyes, and I shuddered inside, wondering how deep the scars ran. Seven years had passed since the disaster, but somehow it was like I was looking into the eyes of a 16-year-old boy, terrified and unsure of what to do. Two Olympics, two gold medals, a million things in between, and no time to deal with the terror of that dark, awful time. It was so dark he hadn't even let me see it, until now. 

"I know you love your people," I said earnestly. "I love mine, too. I'll never forget where I'm from. I'll always skate for them. But it's okay to love other things, too. It's okay to live your life. It's okay to move on." 

"How can I move on, Zhenya?" he burst out. "Do you know how many people died? 20,000." 

The number shook me. 

"How can I live my life knowing they lost theirs?" he asked me desperately. "People are still struggling and somehow I think I deserve to have whatever I want?" 

"Yes, people died. It was horrible, I know. Nothing can change that. Nothing can make it hurt any less. But you survived, Yuzu. You SURVIVED. You're a symbol of hope, you know that more than anyone. But do you know WHY you're a symbol of hope?" 

He was shaking his head. 

"Because you represent what it means to not stop living your life, to keep going when it's hard. You give them hope because you've never, ever given up, even when people thought you should, when they said you couldn't recover. What more could you do now to prove to them that you're a survivor than showing them you can survive this, too? What more could living your life mean than not letting anything stop you from going after your dreams?" 

He stared at me, speechless. And then I stepped back a little. 

"I understand if those dreams don't include me," I said softly. "But if maybe there's still a chance that they do, you know where I'll be. I'll be waiting. I'll wait as long as it takes." 

And when you're needing your space / To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting / To see what you find 

I sat down on the bus, quietly. From where I was, I could still see him, looking at the falls, his narrow, lean form dwarfed by the immense volume of the water. I looked away, the longing to be with him right now almost stronger than my willpower. 

I closed my eyes. The bus started, and I heard the sound of the air brakes as we pulled forward. But then I heard another sound. My eyes flew open and I whirled around in my seat to see who had yelled that way. 

It was Yuzu. He was running... after the bus. After me. 

I bolted out of my seat, stumbling with the motion. "Please, stop the bus!" I yelled out. By some miracle, the bus driver listened. 

But before I could make it to the front, Yuzu was on the bus, coming towards me, disregarding the stares of the other passengers. He grabbed my hand, and dragged me out of the bus, back to the vista of the falls. 

Bewildered, I stared at him. Why was he doing this so suddenly? 

"Zhenya," he said, breathing hard as he stood beside me. "Look." 

I looked out at the waterfalls, searching for whatever it was that he wanted to show me. 

"No," he said. "Look...up." 

And then, I saw it. The moon. White against the blue sky, but unmistakably there, shining somehow at the same time as the sun. 

My stomach flip-flopped, and I pretended to scoff. "This is... this is just a scientific phenomenon," I stammered. I'd seen it before, of course. I'd just forgotten that sometimes this happened when I'd bought the bracelets. 

"Shh," Yuzu said, and my eyes shot to him. "Let me believe in it." 

I looked down, unsure of what to say, but then suddenly Yuzu's hands were on my shoulders, turning me to face him. 

"Zhenya," he said, and my heart skipped a bit with the way he was looking at me. "Is there...a way? For us?" 

My heart full on jumped now, but I remembered this was about more than just saving our relationship. "I didn't bring you here for myself. I know this is about more than just us being together." 

"I know," he said. "I heard everything you said. And you were right. I've been afraid. I'm still afraid. But I know what I want now." 

"What do you want?" For some reason, my voice was almost gone. But his was strong and steady again. 

"I want everything. I want to be their hope, I want to make people happy. But I want to be happy, too. And I want...you." 

And then, suddenly, I was in his arms. I wasn't sure if I went to him, or if he came to me, or maybe we both found each other at the same time. 

"Tell me it's possible," he whispered. 

I leaned back. As much as I wanted to stay inside his arms, I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I had to say what I believed. 

"We have to tell them the truth," I said. "We have to tell everyone. No more hiding, no more secrets." 

"And what if they don't accept my choice?" 

"They love you. The ones who truly do--there might be a chance that they'll understand. Sure, there might be people like Brian, worried about us professionally. And there might be people like my mom, worried about us personally. But they support us, don't they?" 

His face pinched. "And what about the people like my mother? The people worried about us... culturally?" 

I took a deep breath. "I'm sure there will be people worried about that, too. And maybe, those people will be the hardest to convince. Maybe it'll take a long time. But we can't let it stop us from trying. It's not their lives. It's ours. We promised we would fight for this." 

"And I promised I wouldn't get in your way. But I did. You lost because of me. They used me to get into your head. That silver..." I could see the guilt written on his face. 

I shook my head. "I've gotten silver before. But I'm still here fighting. I'll keep fighting no matter what. Your golds tell you to go after your dreams. Maybe silver is what makes me go after mine." 

He looked at me seriously, taking in everything I was saying. 

"I didn't lose because of you. It was because I didn't ignore the noise like Brian said to. But I'm going to learn. I'm getting better. I won't let it happen again." 

"There'll be more noise. There are crazy people out there. They might try to hurt you." 

"I know. But I've been attacked before, Yuzu. People have said plenty of terrible things about me already. But that will happen regardless if we're together or not. It hurts, but each time I get a little stronger. I can take care of myself. Besides," I said, lifting my chin confidently. "Did you see me yesterday? I landed the lutz in the EX." 

"I saw it on the internet. I was proud of you. But I was also ashamed. For leaving you like that. Can you ever forgive me?" 

I saw the regret in his eyes. My heart wrenched. Those eyes always made me want to forgive him. But I couldn’t ignore what he’d done. "I won't lie. It hurt when you left me. I didn't understand why. Why couldn't you have just told me?" 

"I didn't even know the reason myself. I was just afraid. Of losing control, of losing everyone's support, of losing you. I couldn't see how it could work, so I just ran away. But I know now that what I should have done was run to you. You knew what to do, better than I did. Leaving you there was the worst mistake of my life." 

"You mean to tell me the great Yuzuru Hanyu made a mistake?" I squinted at him, but not in a teasing way. "He isn't perfect after all?"

 "I've made a lot of mistakes, Zhenya."

"So have I. No one's... perfect."

His eyes flashed. He remembered. "But we have to give it our best, everything we can give," he said. My heart swelled. He could see it now. He could see that we could do this.

"Everything we can give, together," I said.

He was looking at me like that again, and I knew I was looking at him the same way. And then, we kissed. There was no pulling, or pushing, or waiting, or stopping, from either side. It wasn't just him kissing me. It wasn't just me kissing him. This time, it was both of us, everything we had, together, connected--our lips, our bodies, our hearts. Something warm filled me, more than the warmth of his lips on mine, more than the sun shining down from above us. Was it love? Whatever it was, it was more than I had ever known before. And it took my breath away. If we could be like this, we could really do this. I had faith, and I knew he did now, too.

"There's another reason I never came here," he finally said.

I looked at him, tilting my head. He was looking out at the waterfalls again.

Slowly, I saw him reach up to the side of his face. And then, he took out a pair of earphones. I caught my breath. They were custom earpieces, noise canceling ones. I hadn't even noticed.

"I knew it would be like this," he said, and I could see his chest rising and falling quickly like it did when something was really affecting him. "The sound."

I turned my eyes to follow his gaze. And then I listened. It was so natural to me I hadn't even realized how deafening the crashing water was. Sounds affected him, too?

"It sounds like the walls falling."

My stomach dropped. The walls... during the earthquake? I spun back toward him. He was crying. Had I ever seen him really cry? I didn't have to even think before drawing him into my arms. And then, I whispered, "That's because they are."

I don't know how long we stood like that, his tears mixing with the mist from the waterfalls and soaking my shoulder through my shirt. He finally lifted his head, and this time, it was me who brushed away the last of the teardrops from his cheek.

"Do you know how much you've done for me?" he asked, looking at me with a new light in his eyes. I stared at him. Had I finally done something for him? After all the things he'd done for me, had this been something I could give to him?

He reached up and brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers, and finally, I could see a smile forming on his lips. "You've given me hope."

I swallowed, but I couldn't stop a smile from appearing myself, a blush tingeing my cheeks. It'd been so long since I'd seen him smile.

"I want to tell them," he said, his voice earnest and sincere. "Let's tell them the truth."

"We don't have to do it now," I said. He'd faced so much just now. "We can take our time. We can wait if you need to--"

He shook his head. "I can't make this be just what I want anymore," he said. "What do you want?"

And then I said it, finally. "I don't want to wait anymore."  

Chapter Text

I never knew how incredible it would feel to walk in through the front entrance of the Toronto Cricket Club holding Yuzuru Hanyu's hand. A little thrill raced through me as the front desk secretary's eyes dropped down to our intertwined fingers. She knew. Everyone would know soon.

I looked up at Yuzu, and he gave me a reassuring smile. My heart fluttered. His face was different, his head was higher. He was back, wasn't he? I'd missed this Yuzuru Hanyu.

We were going to Brian's office. We'd decided that he would be the first to know our plans. But all of a sudden, Yuzu veered off course, pulling me down the hallway towards the rink.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I lost something," he said quickly. "I have to look for it first."

"What?" I frowned, confused. And then suddenly, I remembered. I stopped in my tracks. He'd... lost it? Yuzu was already bending down to the floor.

"Hey, Yuzu," I said. He looked up at me. "Looking for this?"

He rushed towards me, reaching out for the black hair tie that I'd pulled from the pocket of my jacket. But I reacted quickly, moving my hand away, narrowing my eyes just a little.

"Did you really just lose it?"

"Yes," he said emphatically, and finally snatched it back from me. But then he looked at me more closely. "Wait... you thought I'd left it on purpose? And you came for me anyway?"

"I told you I wasn't giving up on you."

Suddenly, he drew me into his arms. "I didn't either. I know it looked like I did. But this is what I always wanted. You're what I've always wanted."

My heart was beating faster at his words, said right out here in the hallway like this. And the way he was holding me close like this, looking at me like that again--good thing no one was--

"Zhenya? Yuzu?"

We both turned to see Gabby coming out of the doors to the rink with Tracy. Yuzu released me, but only a little, his arm still wrapped securely around my back.

Her jaw dropped. "Are you guys all right?" she asked, but before we could answer she rushed into her next words. "I'm so sorry, for what I did--I know you can't ever forgive me, but--"

"It's okay, Gabby," I said. What she'd done for me at the press conference--I knew she was trying to make it up to me. "We can put it behind us."

"And really, we should kind of thank you," Yuzu said. "If it wasn't for that, we might not be doing what we needed to do right now."

She stared at us, but just then Tracy stepped forward. "And what is that?" she wanted to know.

"Oh, you know, just telling the world we're dating," I tried to sound nonchalant, and then I caught my breath at my own words and gulped.

Tracy winked at me. "So you're not giving up."

A light bulb went off somewhere in my head. "The song... it was you?"

She gave a sly look. "I knew something was going on months ago, when Yuzu hacked my playlist."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Yuzu protested, looking like a mouse who'd been caught with cheese. I couldn't help but shake my head at Tracy, though--always behind the scenes but there when you needed her the most.

"More people support you than you might think," she said with a smile, and then suddenly she was coming towards us, giving us both a bear hug at the same time. "As for the rest....go get 'em."

"Honestly, I always wanted you guys to be together," Gabby said hurriedly.

"Me too," another voice chimed in. It was Jason, coming out of the dance room. "Wait, what? You guys are together?"

I laughed. "Where have you been, Jason?"

"Um, here? Unlike the rest of you," he said with mock bitterness.

"We'll be back soon," Yuzu said. "We just have one more thing to do."

---

"So you have a plan, finally?" Brian sat across from us at his desk, looking at us seriously. "It'd better be a good one."

"We got the idea from you, actually," I said. "We're going to beat them at their own game."

His eyebrow raised. "How's that?"

"We're going to try to get one step ahead of them. If we say something now, we can say it the way we want, without the media changing our words or putting their own spin on it. And," I looked at Yuzu for confirmation. "That video of us went viral on Instagram. So we thought, what better way to tell the truth than with something that can be spread just as easily--with a video?"

"It could work," Brian said. "I hope for your sake it does. But why are you telling me?"

"Because there's one more thing we were worried about," Yuzu said.

"What's that?"

"You," I said.

His eyebrow flickered again.

I heard the shuffling sound of Yuzu's feet. "We know this could look negative..." he started.

But Brian shook his head. "This won't be the first time people will try to say nasty things and question my coaching." I saw his eyes drift up to the poster on the wall beside me, the one of Yuna. "All I know is that time solves almost everything, and I can only let my work speak for itself. And I think I've done some pretty good work." He smiled and nodded at us. "But thank you, for thinking of me."

He stacked some papers on his desk and looked at his computer, and then when we didn't move, he looked back. "Is there... something else?"

"Well, actually--" Yuzu hesitated.

"We were wondering--could we use your office?" I asked.

He deadpanned. "Seriously?"

I almost laughed at his face, but Yuzu filled in quickly. "We'd like someplace neutral," he said.

Brian sighed. "You know this will look like I support you."

Yuzu grinned. "That, too."

Brian cracked a smile but rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine."

A few moments later, Yuzu was setting up his phone on the far side of Brian's office. "Are you ready to do this?" he asked.

"I'm totally scared," I said.

"Me, too," he smiled. He pressed the record button, and quickly came over to sit beside me, fixing his hair. And then, suddenly, he looked at me.

"Wait... what language are we doing this in?"

I burst out laughing, my nerves calming slightly. At least this was our biggest problem right now. "I guess, all of them."

---

Yuzu (in Japanese): Hello, everyone. I'm Yuzuru Hanyu.
Zhenya (in Russian): And I'm Evgenia Medvedeva.
Yuzu (in English): Maybe this will come as a surprise, or maybe it won't, but we felt we needed to say something in response to the video that was posted two days ago. We wanted to be honest with you, our fans, and put the rumors to rest.
Zhenya: Our relationship began months after I came to the Cricket Club. At that time, both of us were unaware of the fact that we already had feelings for each other.
Yuzu: (pause): Wait, how long have you liked me?
Zhenya (laughing): Yuzu. I'm going to have to edit this now.
Yuzu (clearing throat): But time and circumstances brought us together, and now we're here. We haven't said anything about it so far because it would be inviting public opinion into a very personal part of our lives.
Zhenya: But because of who we are, we realized it's impossible to keep things completely private. And that's why we want to tell the truth, and to ask you, if at all possible, to accept our choice.
Yuzu: Our fans and supporters mean so much to both of us. We truly love you and are thankful for you. And we respect the people in the media as well. But now, we ask you to protect our love and respect our relationship.
Zhenya: And in return, we will do our very best to keep our professional careers unaffected by our personal relationship. But we need your help to do that. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.
Yuzu: Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

---

"Will it be enough?" I asked. It was simple, short, and to the point, but it was everything we had to say.

"We can only wait and see," he said. "You're okay with doing the subtitles?" he asked, transferring the file to his laptop. "I've got to go take care of a few things."

"Hmm, how do I know you're not just running away again?" I joked, kind of. But he got my message, and grew serious.

"Zhenya," he said.

I looked at him, and his eyes were soft, and deep and boring into my soul.

"Did you know I almost gave up on skating after the earthquake? For a while it seemed like there was no way it could work out. But then I found it in myself to keep going. I didn't give up. And once I made up my mind, I wouldn't--I can't stop. And look at where I am now."

I nodded.

"I got scared this time, too," he said. "For a while I didn't think it could work out. But I found the way--you helped me see the way. I've made up my mind. I won't run away anymore."

I stared at him, at a loss for words. Even before he knew the outcome of our video, he was sure of his path--our path. It was like a switch had flipped inside of him back there at the Falls, and now suddenly it was that Yuzuru Hanyu, again, the one I'd always known, the one who put everything into what he wanted. And this time, what he wanted was me. Looking into his eyes like this, I could see that Yuzuru Hanyu, the one who'd been there for me so many times I couldn't even count. I could trust that Yuzuru Hanyu. And this time, we were doing this together.

"Will you forgive me?"

"Maybe," I said playfully, a smile finding its way onto my lips. "But you better find a way to make it up to me."

And then his eyes changed and they flickered into the other Yuzuru Hanyu I knew. "And you'd better let me go get gas for my car, if you ever want us to get out of here," he smirked.

I let out a breath. I was so ready to get back to normal life. Whatever normal meant for us. I grinned at him, rolling my eyes. "Okay, fine."

He was back before I knew it, and to my surprise, he brought me a new phone, insisting he was never going to install Instagram on his. The video was edited and subtitled--we were ready. So then, with trembling fingers, I posted it. And then, we ignored the noise.

---

Lunch, and practice, and workout, and practice again. It was a lot, considering all that we'd been through the last few days, but life didn't stop, and we had more competitions coming up. We'd promised we'd give our best to our professional lives, hadn't we? Besides, being on the ice was the best distraction from the notifications blowing up my phone. But the best part of my day would still be the last part of the day, when it would just be me and Yuzu left. What would it be like tonight? Would it be the same as always?

My heart jumped as he walked through the door, just the same as always. But this time, he looked different. What was it? And then I realized it was his eyes. They were shining like stars again.

"Let's not skate tonight," he said. "I want to take you somewhere."

The next thing I knew, we were sitting on the trunk of his car on the top of the garage outside of Kensington Market, finishing the last of our McDonalds' burgers under the night sky. It felt new and amazing, knowing that he actually wanted to be outside like this.

"Why here?" I finally asked.

"This is the place I realized I could never be without you," he said. "When I saw the way you looked at this city, I wanted to love everything like you did. It's like you opened my eyes to another world."

I blushed. "I did?"

He turned to me, his eyes serious but warm. "This is our world now," he said. "We'll make it together."

And then, he wrapped me up in a hug--a hug of just a couple of friends--best friends, and more than that--meeting again after a long time of confusion and change. A really... long... wonderful hug. We'll make it, Yuzu, I whispered in my mind. Somehow, we will.

He sighed when it was over, leaning against the back windshield, long legs dangling off the end of the trunk. "I'm so tired," he said. I looked down at him. Yuzu never complained about being tired, did he? He really must be. His eyes were closed, exhaustion evident in his body. But now he was reaching out for me, feeling around for my hand. "Can we just stay with each other tonight?"

My stomach somersaulted. "What are you saying, Yuzu?" I scolded him.

His eyes fluttered open. "I said I was tired," he grinned. "I just want to be with you. I'm leaving tomorrow for Finland."

I'd lost track of what day it was. How could we be separated now, with everything that was going on?

"Stay with me, Zhenya." His voice was irresistible to me, and I found myself grabbing my phone, opening a text to my mom.

I'm working things out with Yuzu, Mom. I'll be staying with him tonight. But don't worry, I'll be good.

I showed him the text, and he laughed, then sat up and made me slide off the back of his car with him. He opened the trunk, pulling out a blanket, and then stuffing the blanket through the back door. And then, he was pulling me into the car with him, grinning as he dove under the blanket. "We can sleep in here," he said.

"I'm just wondering why you had a blanket in your car," I tried to quip, but Yuzu's hands were wrapping around my waist, pulling me under the blanket, making my head spin. How long had it been since we'd been like this? Had we ever been like this?

"One day, we'll have a big bed instead," he said, and I felt my face turning warm.

"A...bed?"

"Mmhmm," he said, and now he was brushing the side of my face with his. "One day." He pulled away, and my heart beat faster as I saw the look on his face. "One day, I want everything."

Before I had a chance to scold him again, he was kissing me, laying me down on the seat of the car, opening my lips with his. It wasn't just the way he was holding me that was making my heart pound, it was the way he was kissing me that was different, the way his hands confidently caressed me that felt totally new. I'd never felt him this passionate, like he was finally letting me see everything he felt inside. Was this what it felt like when there were finally no secrets?

And then his legs wrapped around me, and his kiss got heavy, so overwhelming I couldn't breathe anymore, and I giggled shyly as I had to pull myself away.

"I told my mom I'd be good," I said, pressing my finger to his lips as he lay facing me.

"Yes, you are good," he said, his nose scrunching up as he grinned at me. "Apparently I wasn't as tired as I thought." He reached for me again, but this time I avoided his lips, ducking my head down to kiss his neck instead.

He let out an audible sigh, which for some reason sent an amazing shiver through my body.

"What are you thinking?" I dared to ask.

"Nothing...finally. Just you."

I leaned back and stared at him, quietness filling the car. "I love you, Yuzu."

A long breath escaped his lips again, and then he swallowed. "I love you, Janny."

I caught a breath of my own. Had he ever called me that? I stared at him for a long moment, letting the sound of his voice saying my name settle into the archive of my mind, wondering if there was anything as beautiful as Yuzuru Hanyu lying next to me, moonlight softly highlighting the curves of his shoulders and his cheekbones, his eyes closed but a smile on his face.

"I've always loved you," I whispered. But then I suppressed a laugh when he didn't respond. He'd fallen asleep.

It didn't matter. What mattered was that he was back--the Yuzuru Hanyu I knew and loved. Or maybe this was a new Yuzuru Hanyu--one who had fears and yet was still so strong, who was open and honest, who was imperfect and yet still so perfect to me. I had a feeling this one was going to be my favorite.

I closed my eyes, pulling the blanket over us, the weight of sleep drifting in like a fog over me. The next time my eyes opened, a pair of brown ones were blinking sleepily back at me.

"Ohayo."

I think I liked that even better than good night.

Chapter Text

With Yuzu gone, it was harder to ignore the fact that our video was the biggest news in the skating world at the moment. The Instagram post had hundreds of thousands of views, I knew, even though I'd done my best to avoid the comments section. My mother gently informed me of the number of phone calls we'd received asking for interviews, and Brian let me know he'd spoken to the club about an extra security guard for the evenings, just in case. Even when I checked Twitter to read about the ladies in Helsinki, I saw pictures of us everywhere. But we'd promised to focus on our work, so I resigned myself to just watching the stream.

And then, a familiar name appeared on my phone before the last event.

"Isn't your skate soon?" I blurted out as soon as I heard his voice. He'd done well in the short, but Boyang had been incredible, too. It wouldn't be an easy win.

"It's soon," he said. "But I wanted to hear your voice one more time. And I wanted to tell you... Tonight, I'm skating for you."

"What do you mean?" I wanted to know.

"Let's just say I have some things to make up to you."

I would have been already, but now I was even more riveted to the screen when it was his time to perform. I watched him and Brian's last moments on the sidelines, and then he pushed back from the walls. The skate began, and I was enraptured by the performance, even though I'd seen it a hundred times. He was killing it out there, nailing every jump--and he had to, Boyang's free had been flawless. Would it be enough? I tried to calculate the values with the possible GOE in my head. With the difficulty of Jin's jumps, it would be close. But then, I saw something changing, and my heart jumped into my throat.

And then, he hit the quad axel. I'd never heard screams that loud from the audience. Even my mother was jumping up and down. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe it-- he'd done it... he'd done it first. It felt like my heart was going to explode.

"Weren't you supposed to wait? Why did you do it?" I asked him breathlessly when he finally called later.

"It was the right time," he said, and I could hear the pride in his voice. "Sometimes distractions are necessary."

And suddenly, I understood. He'd done it for himself, of course, but he'd done it for me, for us.

It was the perfect distraction.

In the blink of an eye, Yuzu's 4A was the top of the news, trumping anything that had to do with our relationship. He was the quad king again, and his face was splashed all of the covers of every newspaper and magazine in Japan, filling the content of talk shows and news pieces. And slowly but surely, the buzz about us died down. 

And by the time we appeared at an event together for the first time, at the Grand Prix Final in December, it seemed like everyone was getting used to the idea of us. Brian had been right. Time did have a way of solving things.

And hard work had a way of solving other things. Yuzu won the Grand Prix Final men's competition, and then--with a perfectly landed lutz or two--I won the ladies' event. After two years, we were finally king and queen again, just for a moment.

But it was the moments after the event was over that made everything worth it to me. Like when Yuzu's mom brought flowers to me backstage, smiling at me and telling me, "Omedetou." Like when a flower girl came up to both of us and asked us to sign a magazine with us on the cover that read, "Skating's New Power Couple."

Like when Yuzu and I were finally on the ice again together, in the gala's opening number, cheered on by the audience and our friends. Finally, we weren't letting anything stop us from being like we used to. We were ourselves again. We weren't afraid anymore. It was the best feeling in the world.

Yuzu was playful with me behind the boards as we waited for the last performance to finish. Soon it would be time to go out for the final song.

"I have a surprise for you," he whispered in my ear.

I turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. "A jump battle?" I guessed.

"Better than that," he said, and I tilted my head at him. What could be better than that?

And then I heard our names.

"Please welcome for one final number, gold medalist Yuzuru Hanyu and gold medalist Evgenia Medvedeva!"

My mouth fell open.

"What are you doing, Yuzu?"

He grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the ice, his eyes shining. "Let's show them how it was supposed to be. Let's do it the right way," he said, and my heart started beating a mile a minute.

"What?"

Time slowed down for just a moment, and the way he looked proudly at me as we stepped out onto the shimmering white ice made me feel like I was in a dream again.

"Do you remember?" he asked, as he held up my hand with his, acknowledging the audience that, for some reason, was going kind of wild.

I couldn't stop the smile that was so big now my face almost hurt. "I have a very good memory," I managed to say, and then I slipped back into the shadows.

(Rewrite the Stars, here is the link just one more time)

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide

It was our song, and we were going to re-write it one more time, the right way. I shook my head in disbelief as I watched him from my place in the dark, replicating the exact moves from the very first time it'd happened. He remembered, too. Was every part of that night engrained in his memory like it was in mine? Had it really meant as much to him as it did to me? It must have, if he wanted to make it perfect for us again. Are you trying to make me fall even more in love with you or something? I wondered incredulously.

The way he was skating out there, captivating me for the thousandth time, he didn't even have to try. The same way that his skates etched deep lines into the ice, he had carved his way permanently into my heart. I was completely, unconditionally in love with every single side of him.

So why don't we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours tonight

It was my turn now, and with the cheer from the crowd at my entrance into the light, I suddenly knew I wasn't afraid of the words this time. They weren't describing our feelings right now, they were just describing our story. First, it'd been Yuzu, pulling my heart towards him, then me trying to find my voice. And then finally, we'd found our way together.

He pulled me into that amazing spin, the same perfect spin from that night, and once again, it was still dizzying and yet so solid, like it was the easiest thing in the world.

All I want is to fly with you

We'd felt the crazy high of love, the feeling of flying when we'd finally found each other.

All I want is to fall with you

And then we'd fallen--we'd both made mistakes--but we'd caught each other, we'd gotten up. And it had made us stronger.

So just give me all of you

And now we were giving it everything we had, with all of our hearts, even right now on the ice, in front of everyone. It was possible, together, for us.

And then, at the perfect moment, we jumped the triple lutz, in perfect symmetry, at the perfect time. It was magical, just like before, but somehow it felt even a little more extraordinary this time for some reason. Something about the two of us together like this was more than I could have ever dreamed. But it was real. We were real.

Nothing can keep us apart
Cuz you are the one I was meant to find
It's up to you and it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
Why don't we rewrite the stars, changing the world to be ours?

And then, the song was over.

He'd edited the music, and now the last note found me in Yuzu's arms, just like before, just like it should be, and my heart was pounding from more than just the thrill of the skate.

The lights went down. The crowd was going crazy, the sound deafeningly loud around us. Was this really happening? The lights came on right as he was pulling his lips away from mine, and even though I blushed, I knew it didn't matter if anyone saw now. In fact, it kind of sounded louder now. They liked it, didn't they?

"Thanks for changing the ending," I said to him, hoping he'd hear me above the noise.

"You changed the ending," I heard him say as we took our bow.

And then, I looked at him and smiled.

"No, we did."

Chapter Text

I watched as Yuzu's eyes started at the top of my updo, drifting down the curve of my bare shoulders, and then along the entire line of my long, sequined green gown. I won't lie, I loved when he admired me like that. I reached forward and adjusted his slightly crooked tie, and then I stepped back to look at him. I couldn't help but bite my lip a little. He was pretty phenomenal himself in that suit.

"Want to share why you're grinning like that, Mr. Hanyu?" I asked him as we walked down the hallway together to the after-party.

"Because I'm going to dance with the prettiest girl at the party tonight, in front of everyone," he said, and his eyes disappeared again with his scrunched up smile.

"Oh really?" I returned, a little flirtatiously. "What makes you think you deserve that honor?"

"Because I'm the greatest," he grinned.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"You know the moon reflects the sun, right?" he teased.

"Stop being so scientific," I huffed in pretend annoyance as I linked my arm through his.

"Don't worry, you're my better half," Yuzu whispered in my ear and I looked away, unable to stop my smile. Walking down the hallway dressed up with him like this, I knew we really must look like a power couple, whatever that meant. But inside, we were just Yuzu and Zhenya, a couple of ordinary people who were somehow lucky enough to have found their dreams.

Three minutes later, we were surrounded by our friends on the dance floor, having the time of our lives. My heart was so full I wondered if it was possible to contain everything I felt. I never wanted to take this feeling for granted. I wanted to remember this moment forever.

Just then Yuzu's phone rang, and he grabbed my hand, leading me away from everyone else and holding the phone up between our ears.

"Hey, you two," I heard a familiar voice, and then I recognized who it was.

"Javier!" I exclaimed.

"I just wanted to tell you both congrats," he said. "For multiple things, apparently."

Yuzu laughed. "Thanks, Javi."

"And, now that the Grand Prix is over, I wanted to warn you. I'm coming back to TCC."

"You're really coming back?" Yuzu's voice sounded delighted.

"Just for a bit, to brush up before Euros. You're going to have to share him for a little while, okay, Medvedeva?"

"Of course," I laughed. "We can't wait to see you."

We hung up, and I looked at Yuzu. I'd never seen him this happy. I always wanted him to be this happy.

Finally, a slow number came on, and Yuzu caught me around the waist, pulling me towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting the music sway our bodies together, and then I closed my eyes, letting myself drown a bit in the feeling of being together like this with him in the open. After a while I felt his hands tightening around me, and his lips brushing the side of my face. Was I ever going to get over these butterflies whenever he did something like that? But then, his lips wandered down closer to my neck and I leaned back.

"You know, you can't actually do anything you want with me in front of everyone, Yuzu," I blushed with a smile.

"I know," he grinned, and then suddenly he stopped, right there in the middle of the dance floor, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. His hand slipped down to mine, and for some reason, I couldn't feel my feet anymore.

"Let's get out of here."

/ / / / /

The morning light wasn't gray this time. It was warm and golden from the sun, and my eyes followed the rays of light streaming through the curtains and spilling onto our bed, onto the smooth bare shoulders of the boy I loved.

Yuzu rolled over and reached for me, planting a sloppy kiss on my collarbone.

"Ohayo," he murmured.

I gazed at him, half-wrapped in the soft white sheets, wondering how it was possible for him to look that amazing with hair that wild.

His eyes blinked open.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to hear the words Evgenia Medvedeva, Olympic gold medalist."

"You would have," he said with a smile. "If I hadn't changed your name."

I smiled and turned to look at the two Beijing gold medals hanging side by side on our nightstand. They were beautiful, but not as beautiful as the person lying next to me. But I loved what they represented. That despite younger skaters, and injuries, and time running against us, we'd given our best to our countries and to ourselves. That we'd never, ever given up.

"Do you regret changing your name to Evgenia Medvedeva Hanyu?"

I rolled back over to face him and shook my head, returning his smile. "No. As hard as it may be to believe, I like this gold more," I said, pulling his left hand out from under the covers and looking at the matching rings on our fingers.

He closed his eyes, burying his head down in the pillow.

"Good, because it's the greatest name," he said, grinning.

"Whatever," I laughed at him. He was still the cutest thing in the world.

He opened his eyes again, looking at me in that way that never failed to give me butterflies, even years later. Lifting himself up on one elbow to look at me, he slid closer to me, so close I could feel the warmth from his skin. I felt myself swooning a bit but kept eye contact.

"I wonder how many other Hanyus are going to win gold medals," he whispered.

"Pssh," I scoffed. "You're going to have to wait a long time to find that out."

He grinned again, and then suddenly he was over me, kissing me recklessly. He paused to whisper just one last thing in my ear.

"I was never very good at waiting."