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The evening air was soothing, the fading sunlight still carried through the streets. The warm weather had an affect on the general mood. The shops were closing for the day but the hustle and bustle of hours earlier still lingered on. He couldn't help but take in every detail, this was the most peaceful he had ever seen Stohess District.
Armin Arlert liked to be on time for things, and he was on time. Still he couldn't help but feel like he was doing something wrong. This was meant to be a casual affair after all, a nice little get together with friends outside of duties. He had killed with these people, they were his family and yet he felt nervous. It had been a while since he had seen them all, and a long while before that. Him and Hange has decided to train and experiment with the Colossal at the Ocean Headquarters. He needed to be as far from any populated areas as possible as well as defend from enemy ships. This meant being away from the Mainland and his friends for months at a time. He deeply regretted that, but there was so much work that needed to be done and so much to plan for. The more Armin understood about his titan, the better.
What they had accomplished so far had payed off in the quality of life inside and out of the walls. He decided that he would have to relax a bit to do this properly. So instead of continuing his speedy ambling, he vaguely remembered reading somewhere that you're not supposed to be early for these things. So he slowed down to a strolling pace. He could add more ways to enjoy this and convince himself he wasn't doing it for just one reason.
He thought about how nice it was that they were able to do this. It had been 3 years since the last titan had been slain in Paradis, they still had a mission concerning the outside world, but the threat was foreign now, and they could have a more content life here in the walls. The people were able to feel safe and he could see the effect of feeling safe around him. It was comforting, it was something he didn't know he had needed all of his life.
That thought was enough to sustain his mind long enough to reach the bar. He strolled in to find the birthday boy on a stool near the front. There were at least ten people in the bar but none of them were people he recognized. Armin had expected the others to be here already but it was just Eren sitting there by himself, looking slightly wobbly. He counted 4 bottles on the table before Eren noticed him and beckoned him over.
"Arminnnn... it's been a while, how are you today?" His eyes were half open and he was grinning into space.
"I'm okay, it's good to see you. Um where are the others are they not meeting us?"
Eren made the face he usually does when thinking very carefully, only this time it was very exaggerated. "Mikasa's ill and Jean's stayed behind to look after her. Connie and Sasha may or may not have forgotten while they're off doing whatever it is the two of them do when they're alone..." He shifted again in his seat and had great difficulty finding his balance.
Armin was surprised. On the very rare occasions when Mikasa was sick, she wouldn't let anyone near her and retreat into her room until she was fully recovered. He was vaguely aware that her and Jean had grown close recently, but only dawned on him now how much he was missing.
"Ah so Mikasa and Jean are together now?" Why was that so awkward to say..?
"Yeah more or less." Eren was considering his reply. "While you and I've been off honing our titan abilities, the rest of the SC members who survived the retaking of Shiganshina have grown closer" Eren noticed he wasn’t looking at Armin after saying this and corrected himself.
"I'm happy for her though, she'll have good people who care about her to help her through it when the time comes." Armin was happy about that too, he delighted in the irony that she ended up being the most social out of the three of them. Still, he was sad that it wasn't the three of them sitting here to look back. It felt incomplete and he knew that Eren must have felt the same as he did in this moment..
In that silence Eren remembered his original train of thought. "...Historia had royal things to attend to... Levi didn't want to come because of his personal history with the bar, and you-know-who hates to come to these things anyway... so I decided to start the party a little early."
Armin felt bad, he wished he was in the loop more and there for his friend. But he had so many duties now, somehow even more than he did when there were still titans to worry about. There was so much he needed to prepare for, so much to learn and decide. In doing so, his friendship with Eren had to take a back seat, his relationships as a whole had to take a back seat. He just didn't have the time anymore.
But neither did Eren, even less time in fact.
"I thought we were going to have our first drink together... since it was a special occasion." Armin was indeed looking forward to celebrating manhood with Eren, they figured it would be a nice way to pay respect to Hannes to at least try the stuff.
"Yeah... well it's not too late to have yours. It's just us now, we can celebrate our final days together." Eren raised the bottle in his hand and again stumbled while sitting down.
"Right.. okay then." It had been too long since they had seen each other outside of formal meetings and training. Armin didn't want to dampen whatever mood Eren was in.
Armin sat down, he wasn't sure what to say.He was upset that Eren had broken his promise and started without him. But he understood that he hadn't really been there for Eren during this difficult time. They both had their responsibilities, it was logical. But still, he hadn't been there.
"How did you even get so many beers?" He was curious, Eren didn't like to carry much on his person these days. Money would be included.
"Because I'm Eren Jaeger... saviour of humanity. The great hero of Trost and Shiganshina. I'm famous Armin... and some of these people still don't know if I'm human or not so some of them payed for my alcohol.... Now I'm Eren Jaeger, the drinking titan."
Armin hated that Eren had developed this dry sense of humor to accompany his coldness. It didn't suit him all that well. He didn't seem to enjoy anything anymore, retreating further into himself only really talking to Historia. He hoped today would be at least a brief return to what once was but no, the alcohol had brought out more of his new self.
"So ummm... it's good?"
"Oh yes!" Eren stopped staring at his space to look at Armin.
"It's an acquired taste I admit, but it does grow on you... this beer stuff. I can see why Hannes and Pixis do it so much.... I feel great!" He seemed unable to lift his arms up without bowing his head just closing his eyes.
"I can't really think that hard or speak too much. Like I don't have all these people living in my head for this moment... it's like I'm me again.... almost."
Eren picked up a fresh bottle and handed it to Armin. "Here man, this beer is apparently pretty good according to some of the other customers."
Armin took the bottle and examined the liquid: it seemed a faint unappetizing colour and it smelled off. He took a moderate sip and recoiled. It was so bitter, as if he'd never taste anything sweet again. Eren was chuckling to himself at that. How was he able to drink so much of this now?
"I had that same reaction once, when Pixis made me take a swig of his hip flask. It was god awful.... some kind of whiskey brew. But now I'm able to handle 12 beers in quick succession, how far I have come my friend."
"Wait what, You drank 12 beers??? I thought you only had the 4 bottles here. Where are the others then?"
"I told you. People were curious to see what I could handle. The other bottles are on the tables where I talked to them before you showed up. They think I'm a hero Armin. Me! Hah! Can you believe that shit?"
Armin was scared right now, he wasn't too sure about the effects of alcohol but he knew that this much was not good for a person. Somehow Eren had forgotten the morning they had found Hannes in horrible shape after drinking a large amount at night. "Eren I think you should stop and we should go back, come on let me help you..."
Eren recoiled and slapped Armin's hand away from his body. "No! No you don't get to do that." He was standing now, swaying and trying to convey his anger and maintain his balance.
"You don't get to just come here like nothing's changed and we're still the best of friends, you don't get to be this concerned for me." Eren voice was faltering
"You want to know something awful... a part of me was happy when you became a titan like me. That we were in the same boat and we would have each other to get through this. But no.... we've only gotten more separate, there has never been more distance between us Armin." Eren stopped to take three giant gulps from the bottle in his hand.
Armin was confused, this was an outburst had appeared came out of nowhere. He didn't remember Hannes or Pixis having a random mood swing such as this, he didn't remember either of them expressly drinking this much at once though either.
"Eren what do you mean, we have responsibilities and commitments. We're working on something big, something we've never done befor-"
"Five years! That's it. That's all I have left. The only thing I do with my days is preparing for what's to come. We're soldiers. End all be all now. We can't be people anymore, I can't even if I want to. I have to drink all of this alcohol just to feel vaguely like myself again." Eren's eyes were sharp but straining, he winced as he burped.
Armin was silent. He wanted to defend himself and the actions taken but he could see that this was something Eren had been holding onto for some time.
"Why are none of our friends here Armin?" Eren made a wobbly circle with his arms motioning the shape of the whole bar.
"It's my birthday and no one we know is here, I know why but you don't. You have no clue because you're never here anymore. They can't be around me anymore, everything about me ruins the lovely prospering image of our home now. You'd know this if you were here but sadly you're just too important for us now."
"It's not like I have a choice. I'm sorry I've missed whatever's being going on but it seems to me like people aren't here because you've grown into a complete asshole over the years." Armin fired back without thinking. He shouldn't have said that.
Eren coldly chuckled. "...Maybe. That's a good summary Armin, you always were the sharpest one of us."
"I'm sorry that's not what I meant... It's just difficult to talk to you when you're like this."
"It's only ever difficult to talk to me now. I'm aware that it's not the most fun thing to hang out with your terminal friend who's losing their mind. I just... I thought I could get one day where things were like they used to be."
Armin felt awful, that one outburst had done real damage. He wondered if a more quiet setting would help to undo some of that damage. "Maybe we should head back back now."
Eren snapped his head up, shooting a defiant look at Armin "No Armin. I get today at the very fucking least, I get to escape for a moment just a moment today and no you're not going to stop it now. What I'm going to do is get another beer."
Eren twisted around made for one foot forward and fell face first onto the floor. Armin rushed to his friend to get him on his feet. There was blood poring from his face.
"I think I've broken my nose." He wasn't protesting, he just sat there and let those words hang in the air. Swaying to the side as his nose began to steam. Perhaps he was disappointed in himself.
Armin waited what he felt was the necessary amount of time before he broached the question again. "Do you want to go home now Eren?"
"... Yes, lets go home." Eren didn't look at him as Armin guided Eren's arm around him and carried him through the door.
It was quiet between them as they walked back. Hurtful things had been said that could not be taken back. They were also both somehow exhausted. From the shouting and Eren also unable to walk due to his healing taking up most of his energy.
Armin had already said his piece, but he regretted saying that to him on today of all days and after so long since the two of them being each other's company. He wanted desperately for the silence. But Eren just hung there by his side, his distant cold eyes staring at the ground. Armin wondered how much of his friend was still in there, it wasn't his fault but he knew he was losing Eren to this.
"I don't want to die." Eren said with his glazed over eyes fixed on the pavement in front of him. But it hit Armin right in the chest. He had numbered days as well, but Eren even less so. Knowing when you die is an awful thing to carry.
"I just wanted one day, one day with all of us." Eren sounded defeated. But it wasn't a defiant defeat, the hopelessness in his voice conveyed that he already knew he had lost the battle before it began. What he wanted would never be in reach.
"I know i'm pushing all you away... I wish I wasn't but I can't help it.... Armin there's knowing what's out there... but it's like I've actually lived a whole other life, I can see it so clearly I can feel it. Everything."
"We're not kids anymore Eren." This was an evident truth, but Armin thought perhaps a little blunt truth might help ground him from this stupor.
Eren stopped in the middle of the street taking his arm back from Armin and stare at him. His balance was already returning. "We were never kids Armin, have you not been paying attention? Were you even listening to me?" Armin felt ashamed, Most of this night was spent trying to manage Eren but he was missing the larger point.
"I have been listening. I'm sorry things are the way they are Eren but there's nothing we can do now. It's no one's fault and we have to see this thing through to the end. Otherwise all the people who died to get us here will have been for nothing."
"You and me, we're going to die. We'll never get to see all of those things we dreamed of. We'll never have children. We will be gone, we will be nothing and it will have MEANT nothing."
Armin was conscious of the fact that he was arguing with a drunk person but he had grown frustrated with this self indulgent whining, he finally snapped.
"I HAVE died Eren!" That seemed to startle him but Armin wasn't finished.
"I knew I was going to die. I accepted it. I was gone and then somehow I came back. Then two days later I discover that I will die again. Soon. I have the pleasure of experiencing death twice." Armin was shaking slightly, perhaps he had been holding onto something that needed to be said as well.
"Before I die again I want the time I was given to matter. I want to change things significantly so that our tragic lives won't happen for anyone else Eren. We have the power to stop this and I won't let myself rest until we make it count. Don't you want that too, or are you content on drinking yourself to death feeling sorry for yourself?"
Eren stood there in silence staring at him. Armin matched his stare. Everywhere was silent on that street, Armin wondered how loud the two of them had been arguing. He thought back to that day him and Eren sat together reading that book full of worldly wonders. Things were so different now. Is this what men do?
"We should... get back quickly and see how Mikasa is doing." Eren said flatly, he turned to head towards the sleeping quarters. Armin stayed there and took a deep breath to calm down. He followed after a few seconds, staying a few steps behind Eren.
Eren sobered up completely on the rest of the walk to quarters. They approached the corridor with Mikasa's room at the end of it. Eren stopped to turn to Armin.
"Don't tell her about this okay. She's got enough to worry about." It was fairly dark in the corridor but Armin could see the worry etched on Eren's face.
"Of course not. I may not see you two as much anymore but she's still my friend Eren, I don't want to overwhelm her either."
"Good." The worry was gone and the flat tone had returned to Eren's voice. No more words were said.
Eren knocked on the door and Jean opened it. He had a small towel in his hand, probably from dabbing Mikasa's forehead. She was lying in her bed, looking quite frail. She managed a small smile at the sight of Eren and him though.
"Hey Eren, I was worried I wouldn't see you for the rest of the day. I feel terrible for not being able to come... how was it?"
Jean looked tired but happy, he probably hadn't left the room all day. "..Sorry I couldn't be there man, your friend was keeping me busy. The main trouble was actually getting her to stay in bed so that she could get the rest she needs. No complaints though."
Mikasa narrowed her eyes at Jean."I still think he's exaggerating some what. I've healed from broken ribs before, this is nothing. Although, my fever has gone down due to me resting at his insistence."
Jean chuckled. "That's the nicest thing she's said to me all day, it's probably because you're here. So you guys had fun then?"
"It was nice." Eren's words came out his mouth with considerable care and tact. Armin was happy there was at least one person he still made an effort for.
"Yeah it was fairly chill, the others couldn't make it sadly so it was just me and Armin catching up. He wasn't very taken by his first taste of beer though."
"Hah! Yeah I'm not for the alcy life. Which is good in a way, I too much to be done that requires me sober anyway." Armin put on a happy face, as if moments later him and Eren hadn't had an awful argument. He wished he didn't have to shut out Mikasa from what was going on, but it was the right thing to do. Him and Eren agreed on that at least. This is what adults do.
Mikasa managed to sit up on her bed to get a better look at them. "I hope I can see you again soon Armin, we miss you and it would be nice if we could all hang out again when I'm better."
"It really would." Jean chimed in. "We're all pretty busy these days but it's good to take the time to remember that we're all friends and we need to see each other in less serious settings. It's worth it to make the time for each other."
"You're right Jean, I'm sorry I've been particularly bad at that recently. But I promise I'll get Hange to let me take some time off soon for us all to hang out." Armin meant that part at least, he'd seen what the neglect had done to his friend and he didn't want some version of that to happen with the others.
"Yeah well, we just popped in to see how you were." Eren was cutting this visit short, maybe he was tired and knew he could only lie to Mikasa for so long. "It's getting pretty late and we should let you rest to recover better."
"Yes you're right. The sooner I'm on my feet the better." Mikasa slid back down onto her bed to a resting position. "I hope we can do something better next year."
"Me too." Eren somehow sounded like he didn't mean that but wished what he said was true. "Thanks for looking after her Jean."
"My pleasure" Jean looked over fondly at Mikasa and she returned his gaze. "Happy birthday Eren."
"Thanks guys." Eren said as he turned to the door. Armin waved goodbye as he followed him outside. They were still silent as they were before seeing Mikasa. Eren was about to put his hand on his door before Armin grabbed his shoulder.
"Eren are you really going to end tonight like this?" Armin tried to soften the way this came out. He was sick of fighting.
"I'm not angry Armin. Really. What you said needed to be said. It's just been a long day and I'm tired. Okay?" The flat tone was gone and Eren sounded sincere. Perhaps the three of them being together in one place was what Eren had wanted from the whole day. This made him seem more content and Armin felt like he could trust what he was saying.
"Okay." Armin let go of his shoulder. He realized he hadn't said the most important thing he needed to say today. "Happy birthday Eren."
"Thanks man." Eren chuckled as he opened his door and closed it. It wasn't slow or fast, no emotion at all was conveyed in that action. He just did it. It left an odd impression in Armin's mind.
He walked down the corridor and sighed to himself. It wasn't out of relief that the day was over, it was a sigh of mourning. Today had changed something very significant in the relationship between him and Eren. That moment with the three of them in that room, it was lovely but it felt like something was happening for the last time. He knew it and he knew that Eren knew it too. Things would never be as they once were.