Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His mother runs a hand through the front of his hair, before smoothing the long strands back down. Her smile is the kindest he can ever remember it being, though the edges are sharp and unpracticed. Subtle biting grins are more her forte.

He lets her fuss with the collar of his robes and lets her push his hair behind his shoulders. If it had been anyone else, he’d push them away and sneer (he’s done it on multiple occasions with Cissy), but seeing as how his mother rarely took it upon herself to be gentle, he’d soak it up for as long as it lasted.

“I suspect Andromeda will take good care of you.” She said mildly, finally stepping back. “Her sisters will be focused on their studies, so do try not to cause them any distractions.”

“I can take care of myself.” Sirius said, just as roughly.

“I miss Cissy. We haven’t seen her since Christmas.” Regulus didn’t exactly whine, but it was a close call. Their mother wasn’t fond of complaining, unless she was doing it herself. “Will we have the family dinner at home again?”

“Yes.” Father said. He turned his eyes back on his eldest son, and gave a smile that was brief and very miniscule, but genuine. “I’m sure you’ll do us proud, son.”

Walburga Black looked around the bustling platform, her cold mask sliding back in place. Sirius had figured that it wasn’t even a mask, as he’d assumed for most of his life, it was just her default expression. Just as his fathers was stoic, and Bella’s was smirking. Sometimes he wondered what his default would turn out to be, or if he already had one but hadn't noticed. Regulus was already taking after their father, Sirius saw now, as his brother stared at the train unfeelingly.

“Andromeda was supposed to meet us here.” Mother said tightly. She stepped back quickly as red-haired twins darted in between her and Sirius, pushing each other and bumping into him as they passed by. Sirius watched as they giggled and ran onto the train. “Ugh, the Prewitts –”

“It’s fine. I’ll find her.” Sirius interrupted hurriedly. “I’ll just ask one of the older kids.”

Father saw the indecisive look on his wife’s face and put a brief hand on her shoulder. “You heard the boy. He can take care of himself.” Sirius tried not to preen at the proud look he was receiving, but by Regulus’s raised eyebrows he wasn’t very successful.

She sighed and stepped forward, pressing a chaste, dry kiss on his forehead as she held his cheek. Then she moved back and waved an arm towards the train in one broad, sweeping stroke. “Well, go on then.”

He nodded enthusiastically and drew Regulus into a hug, planting a wet kiss at his temple. He laughed maniacally as his brother struggled to get away, holding his head in what looked like a very strained and uncomfortable position.

When he pulled away, his mother looked faintly disapproving, but their father had a soft look in his eyes.

“See you at Christmas.” He waved a little, and quickly made his way onto the train.

No way was he finding Andy, when he was finally on his own. He’d been telling the truth. No one needed to look after him, he was perfectly capable of looking after himself. And while he liked Andy a fair bit more than her sisters, this was his chance to be himself, just Sirius, and he needed to show his independence if he wanted others to see it.

He found a cozy little compartment towards the middle and settled down close to the window. His family had already left, but there were many other parents who had decided to stay and wave at their children through the open windows. Some mothers were crying, some were beaming so brightly that it was a wonder their faces didn’t split in half, there were a few fathers standing close to the windows, keeping up excited chatter about Quidditch and Houses.

It was only ten minutes later that they finally pulled away, and Sirius let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted off his shoulders. This was a fresh start. This would be his life for seven years.

It was only as he thought that that the door slid open, and a red-haired girl peeped in.

“Is anyone else sitting here?” She asked, gesturing towards the empty seats.

“No.” He replied. She looked momentarily startled by his haughty tone.

“Sorry, my friend and I are looking for – hey, Sev! I found a place.” Sirius opened his mouth to object, this is my spot, but she was smiling at him, and the words wouldn't quite leave his mouth. He’d never seen someone look so unbothered and happy, she must be a mudblood, he realized. Or maybe…

“Are you a Prewitt?” He asked, just as her friend came up next to her. He looked terribly disheveled, even though he was already dressed in his robes. A bit too pale, and his hair hung lank and oily. Sirius fought off a grimace and despaired that he should have gone to look for Andy after all, to hell with being independent. “Or a Weasley?”

They both entered, even though he hadn’t necessarily invited them in, and sat next to each other in the space across from him. The greasy kid – Sev? - was staring at him with confusion and suspicion, but the girl hadn’t lost her small smile.

“No. I’m Lily Evans.”

He racked his brains for her surname and came up with nothing. So, a mudblood then.

“Oh.” He said, stiffly. He glanced out of the window and bit his lip.

“…yeah.” She said, a bit more uncomfortable. She’d lost her grin, a hesitant look taking over. “What’s your name?”

He sat a bit straighter and unconsciously pushed his hair back. He probably looked just as unapproachable as his cousins, but it was habit.

“Sirius Black.” He told her, turning his eyes over her muggle clothing. She wore a flower embroidered jean skirt and a plain white t-shirt. While he knew he ought to be more disgusted by her attire, he found himself heaps more intrigued. It was quite strange, the difference between them and robes. Definitely informal, and kind of silly, but they didn’t look that bad. On her anyways. He couldn’t speak for the other muggles.

“A Black.” The other kid sat a bit straighter himself. Sirius found himself on comfortable ground once more, this he was used to. The respect and the fear that came attached with his name. Mudbloods and muggle clothes, they were a bit more difficult. “Are you...?”

Sirius tilted his head.

“I know you have cousins. But they’re all girls. Are you the… heir?”

“Yes, I am.” Sirius nodded once. “…and you are?”

The boy paused, and glanced at the Evans girl, who seemed confused. “Severus Snape.”

“That’s not familiar.” Sirius told him. The other leaned back and cringed. “But you know of my family. Halfbood, then?”

Snape’s cheeks pinked, but he nodded.

“Ah.” He said, then went back to stare unseeingly out of the window. Of course he’d be stuck with a mudblood and a halfblood (and while they weren't nearly as bad, they were still uncharted territory for him. His mother would throw an absolute fit at his company). He definitely should’ve found his cousin, already spikes of nerves ran through his belly.

“What does it matter?” Evans asked, after a moment. He saw that she’d also straightened her back and was staring at him defensively. “If he’s a halfblood?”

He stared at her. “Your kind wouldn’t understand.”

“My kind?” She crossed her arms, and he tried not to let his surprise show. What was she playing at? Talking to him like he owed her an answer. No one dared…

“Lily.” Snape warned, and said nothing else.

“No – ”

Thankfully, the compartment door opened again, cutting off words Sirius didn’t care to hear. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was Andromeda and gave her a tight smile.

She grinned back at him, the expression erasing the worried frown she’d been sporting.

“There you are! Lestrange wouldn’t let me go, so I had to tell him Cissy was looking for him.” Her laugh was half mad, eerily reminding him of Bella. “She hates him.”

“I can take care of myself.” He repeated his words from earlier, very serious. But then he grinned, just as crazily as her. “I can imagine. Last Christmas she wouldn’t shut up about him.”

“She won’t be very happy with me.” Andy commented. “She told me she wanted some alone time with Malfoy.”

Andy smiled again, and then looked at his companions. To his surprise, her smile didn’t dim a bit. In fact, it widened. He glanced at Evans muggle clothing, and Snape’s greasy hair, and frowned at his cousin.

“Making friends already, little cousin?” She asked, stepping through the doorway. 

“They aren’t my friends.” He told her, more disapproving than he’d meant to sound. Why was she acting like it was okay who he was sitting with? Was she trying to trick him or something, would she try to tell his parents that he was mixing with bad blood? As much as he liked her, she was as loose of a cannon as anyone on the Black tapestry. His lips turned down further, and he pulled himself stiffly to his feet.

“I’d like to sit with you, are there any free spots?”

As he stared at her, her face closed off. She became completely neutral, like she usually was.

“We can make room.” She told him, backing up into the hall once more.

Chapter Text

Seeing Hogwarts in person was significantly different than in photos. When Bella had been in her first year, she’d send both him and Regulus photos of the castle, of the lake, and most often, the creepy art and ugly statues. The walls were made of weathered down stone, and as he passed by, he trailed out a hand and touched it. It was cool to the touch, and it seemed to hum welcomingly.

It was so beautiful, and so different from anything he’d ever seen. The castle emitted a tangible warmth, drawing him in. He was used to the somber tone of his own house, and then the bitter silence of Uncle Cygnus’s.

He could already feel himself begin to fall in love with this place.

It wasn’t long before the hat called his name, and he tried not to feel too intimidated as the whole hall went silent, and every single eye followed him up to the stool. A few boos went up from the Gryffindor table, and he recognized the twins who had about trampled his mother. Most of the Slytherin’s had perked up, their eyes more intense than anyone else’s, some looking smug. Cissy gave him an even smile, while Andromeda and Bella gazed on neutrally.

Another Black, the hat moaned gruffly. Sirius’s teeth clicked, biting on the inside of his lip. He could feel the presence of it inside his head, a slight pressure on his brain. Like someone had joined his conscious in their isolated little room. It was a frightening thing, having a stranger in your mind, rooting through your beliefs and memories like he was nothing more than a document to be read. Sirius could remember when he was younger, and he’d locked Kreacher in a cabinet, holding him to an order of not to obey any commands, and to remain in there forever. Two days later, his father had found the elf on accident and had suspected Sirius first, and when Sirius continued to lie about it being Regulus (“It was the brat, the brat did it!”), he’d rooted through his head. He could remember the sharp pains as Orion looked through his mind, but this seemed to be a gentler version.

Still entirely unwelcome, but even so, it was painless.

Another Black… but a different one it seems.

Sirius remained quiet inside, waiting. Was he supposed to talk back? He didn’t really want to. It was bad enough having it inside him, and to talk to it… But still, a beginning of worry burned through his stomach, it wasn’t even normal for him to still be here. Most of his family went on with stories of it hardly needing to sit on their head for more than a few moments, and here he was, waiting for it to say something else, or to shout out Slytherin. The hat had quietened, and so they sat in a strange uncomfortable silence.

A minute passed, and then, you’re emotional, and impulsive, I see Gryffindor for you, baby Black. What do you think?

Sirius was so startled he unclenched his hands from the stool. He forgot his rule of staying silent, and said, Gryffindor? Are you a bloody imbecile?

It sounded eerily like his mother.

No students ever called me an imbecile, the hat said joyfully, the laugh resounding in his head. The only outward reaction was a slight twitch, before he clamped down on his unease. A bit… brave, don’t you think? A bit… thoughtless, the qualities of the Gryffindor house.

This isn’t funny. Sirius would have found it utterly hilarious at how outraged he sounded, had this whole situation been happening to someone else. But he didn’t find it funny at all. It felt like a nightmare come true, he could see himself shunned and abandoned, alone and afraid. Did the hat even understand the significance of what he was saying? He’d have nothing in Gryffindor, and he’d have his family in Slytherin. While they weren’t anywhere near the ideal company, they were what he knew and loved.

He remembered being so confident to his parents, and then on the train. His needing to be independent. It still niggled at him, but his needing his cousins suddenly felt very reasonable. He was a first year. He was eleven. It was okay to stay with them for a little while. He’d become more comfortable in Hogwarts, and then he wouldn’t need (or want) to depend on them.

Gryffindor could be the home you’ve never had.

I have a home, he thought fiercely, so desperately that he’d shouted it inside his head, they’d disown me if I were a Gryffindor.

And that's the only reason?…Not so brave after all. The hat sounded utterly disappointed, and Sirius twitched in response. I guess we all make mistakes occasionally… “SLYTHERIN!”

Unlike the other children who had immediately jumped up and darted to their table, Sirius remained seated even after McGonagall pulled off the hat. It was so so wrong to think it, but he felt like he’d made some sort of error.

The Slytherin's had erupted into tremendous applause, while the others clapped halfheartedly at best. With a careful nudge from McGonagall, he stood on shaking legs, but was careful as he descended the steps. He tried to wipe his face clean of any uncertainties and took a leisure pace as he walked to the Slytherin’s, taking his seat in between Narcissa and Andy.

“Well done.” Cissy muttered, brushing a hand over his head. He swayed out from under her touch and nodded, putting on a smile everyone probably expected him to be wearing. He made sure to sit straighter in his seat, made sure he looked smug and satisfied.

“Took a few minutes.” Andromeda said, though it sounded questioning. She was giving him a knowing look, and his eyes narrowed.

“Yes, it did.” Bella frowned at him from the other side of the table. Next to her, Rabastan Lestrange did the same. “What did that dusty old thing say to you? You look pale, little cousin.”

“I’m just tired.” He said. “And nothing. He didn’t say much at all.”

Chapter Text

The first night of his stay at Hogwarts had him sitting in the Slytherin common room. It was a cold, dim place, and he’d managed to bribe Narcissa into putting a warming charm on his socks and robes. He would’ve rather had them put on his pajamas, but she’d refused as he’d planned on going straight back to the common room. He should be asleep, he knew that every other first year probably was. He’d been roomed with the halfblooded kid from the train, and a few others he knew from passing.

All in all, it was pretty terrible. How was he supposed to treat this as his home, when he couldn’t even bring himself to like his dorm mates? Maybe give it time, but Sirius wasn’t patient, and never would be. You’re emotional and impulsive, the hat had said. That was true. He’d always cried more, had laughed the hardest, and when he was angry, it felt like a black hole was opening up inside of him, eating his mind. He’d always felt so much more. He was different from quiet Regulus, and cruel Bella, or maybe he was just truly horrible at hiding his emotions, unlike them.

Merlin, he could’ve been in Gryffindor right now. The thought sent unbidden shivers throughout his body. He’d carefully watched the boys who’d been sorted into his rival house, his curiosity for what-could-have-been getting the best of him. Only three boys had gone, a smiling James Potter (“Blood traitors, the lot of them!” His mother raged, stomping and slamming doors, talking to nothing but the walls. Everyone tended to stay out of her way when she was angry. “I swear on Salazar himself, if Fleamont Potter ever disrespects my family again, I’ll curse him to bits. Azkaban be damned!”) And then two others his mother had never bothered to mention, so they couldn’t be too important. Both pureblooded names, but the Lupin kid had looked just as raggedy as Snape, though washed.

He would’ve shared a dorm with a Potter, a Pettigrew, and a Lupin. Though, maybe this was for the best. He wouldn’t have been accepted there, he would’ve been the odd kid out. Plus, a Potter and a Black? That was just a recipe for disaster.

Finally, finally, he felt the beginnings of relief, since Andy had come to fetch him on the train. This was okay. He’d be okay, here. Who needed friends? He’d have his cousins this year, and then Regulus would turn eleven the next. He wouldn’t be alone. And so what if he didn’t fit in? He wouldn’t have fared any better in Gryffindor, at least he was familiar with the workings of Slytherin.

“A bit past your bed time, isn’t it?” A voice asked. Sirius looked up from where he’d been moodily staring at the Great Lake, to see Avery standing at the arm of the sofa.

“You’re only two years older than me.” Sirius told him, unimpressed. He returned his gaze back to the gloomy lake. It was much more interesting to look at.

An awkward silence settled, before Avery cleared his throat. “You mind if I take a seat?”

Sirius resisted the urge to sigh very rudely and jerked a hand towards the cushion unoccupied. “You see anyone else sitting there?”

“Er… right.” Avery sat at the very edge, his back ramrod straight with his hands clasped in his lap. Sirius had forgone his own immaculate posture for a more relaxed position. He’d planned on being there for a while, it seemed Avery wasn’t. “What did you think of the sorting?”

“It was okay. I liked the feast better.” His mouth watered just thinking about it. He’d had a little helping of roast, but had gorged himself on cake and the like, taste buds singing for the chance at sugar. His mother rarely allowed Regulus and him sweets, and it was only when they visited Uncle Alphard that she allowed it.

“As I’m sure most do.” Avery smiled. “I just wanted to make sure you’re settling in alright.”

Sirius felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck and he turned his head to see a group of four boys huddled towards the corner of the room. All of them were staring so intensely that Sirius couldn't quite repress his cringe.

He glanced at Avery, who was looking in between his group of friends and Sirius, unsure with how to act at being caught. Then Sirius faced the lake again, giving a dismissal that was as clear as glass.

“I think I can manage myself.” He said coldly.

“Right. Right. I’m sorry.” Avery said hurriedly, sounding both helplessly confused and embarrassed. He slipped to his feet, smoothing down his unwrinkled robes and looking at his shoes. “No hard feelings?”

After a moment, when Sirius didn’t answer, Avery nodded and walked away, his head down, his neck so red it looked like a near fatal rash. 

Now that he wasn’t underneath his parents watchful eye, he felt significantly braver in deflecting the advances of the pureblooded kids he’d had to put up with. They were all just so… insufferable. So stiff and formal and annoying, and maybe Sirius was too, but when had he ever had the chance not to be? And they only cared that he was heir, he thought moodily. That wasn’t what he wanted.

Chapter Text

He was the first to awake the next morning, and it was too cold feet and a breeze wafting over his face. He shivered violently, sitting up and holding his blanket closer to his chest. The window next to Mulciber was open wide, the sky still dark and starless. The boy was lying in a position Sirius would never be able to fall asleep in, straight on his back, with his hands overlapping on his stomach. His mouth was closed, and he looked paler than he usually did. For a moment, Sirius thought that he was dead, until he noticed the slight rise and fall of his chest.

He shook his head and yawned quietly, before slipping to his feet. The floor was even colder than the air, and shutting the window was more of a pain than Sirius had been hoping for. The morning was unbearably frosty, biting at his nose.

On his way to the bathroom, he noticed he hadn’t been the only one awake. Snape had his arms folded underneath his head, and he was watching him with a creased expression. Sirius ignored him, biting back the urge to ask him what the hell he was looking at. But, he’d figured, best not get on his dorm mates bad sides, and act completely neutral instead.

Narcissa was waiting in the common room, with Lestrange talking her ear off. He was looking a tad too cozy, with his chest brushing her shoulder and his lips uncomfortably close to her ear. Sirius was not discreet in his march up to them, almost stomping. A few heads turned, not used to such untasteful manners, but Sirius was talented in the art of ignoring everyone around him.

“C’mon Cissy, I’m hungry.” He nudged Rabastan Lestrange out of his way and grabbed his cousins forearm. Her eyebrows rose, but her lips twitched amicably.

“Oh. Hello Sirius.” Rabastan said, pressing his lips into a thin smile. Sirius looked on, unimpressed. “You liking Hogwarts?”

“Well, I only got here yesterday, how would I know?” He asked slowly, picturing that he was talking to a toddler. Narcissa pinched his arm harshly, and he stood a little straighter. “It’s alright. I’m excited for classes.”

Lestrange grinned gleefully. He nodded very seriously, looking every bit the git Sirius knew and hated. “Yes, the first classes are always what the kiddo’s look forward to, but they’re the most boring. Not much wandwork, a lot of notes and reading.”

At having been referred to as a ‘kiddo’ Sirius had dropped the friendly face Narcissus had pinched him into wearing. He stared with all of the hate he actually felt. “I can see why you would find it boring. What with your peanut brain and lacking intelligence.” He turned his head pointedly. The boy wasn’t worth his attention. “C’mon Cissy.”

She was grinning so hard she actually followed his order, but she slipped her wrist from his hand to walk seperately. A few fellow Slytherins watched their departure, one of them even hiding a smile behind his book.

Once they had left, Narcissa finally let out her delighted trill of laughter.

“Merlin, I can’t stand that family. Bunch of knobs, aren’t they?” She shook her head and pushed her shining blond hair behind her ears. “So creepy too, did you see the way he was staring at me?”

“It looked like he wanted to eat you.” Sirius agreed, frowning. “I thought he was friends with Malfoy.”

She nodded. “Yes, well. I guess you could say that they’re both… interested in being my husband.”

“The both of them?!” Sirius asked, genuinely appalled. What? Aunt Druella would never ever allow that. Was it even legal?

“Separately, Sirius.” She smirked a little. “I’m not interested in Lestrange at all. Lucius brought me flowers on the train, isn’t that sweet?”

He gave her a droll stare. “I guess.”

He didn’t like Malfoy much either, but at least he didn’t have to marry the man.

“And he’s planning on taking me to Hogsmeade to Madam Puddifoots. I already know it’s going to be amazing, he’s just so charming.” She kind of already looked in love with him, her eyes were bright as she talked, an unconscious smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. Sirius said nothing. It wasn’t often she ditched her frosty exterior for this much softer look, and it’d feel like a crime if he diminished it. “And he wants me to go to his families for Christmas, to properly have a meal with his parents. I’ve never talked to someone so mature and intelligent, I swear on Salazar.”

“Wouldn’t it be more proper if he came to our families Christmas?”

She nodded regally. “Yes, that was the plan. He’ll come early, and talk with my parents, and I was going to beg mother if I have to. But I think she’ll be happy. She likes the Malfoys.”

“Well, Reggie was hoping you’d come for Christmas. He wanted to see you yesterday.” They were each others favorite cousins, much similar to how Sirius preferred Andy, and vice versa.

“Awh, I miss him too.” She glanced down at him and sighed. It was a pleased sound. “I’ll make sure to write him more, but you’ll find it’s hard to keep up with mail when you have to study all the time.”

He scoffed. “Please. I’m naturally intelligent, I won’t need to study.”

She sniffed.

He gave a rough bark of laughter that made her grimace, and he continued to laugh even as they walked into the Great Hall. Many of the students were already there, elbow deep in breakfast, and making conversation. It was loud as it had been the previous night, and Sirius caught himself smiling as he looked at everyone. He was used to near silent dinners, with his mother and father making comfortable conversation while him and Regulus made ugly faces at each other until one of them got caught out. This was different, and not unwelcome.

He sat next to Andy, who ate a slice of toast as her eyes skimmed over the pages of a textbook Sirius couldn’t make the name of. Down the table Bella was sitting with two older Slytherin girls, laughing and smirking that way she was so fond of, winking at him when she saw him looking. He wrinkled his nose back at her and filled up his plate with a large helping of eggs and bacon, before stuffing his mouth in earnest.

“Damn, you’re like a vacuum.” A boy said in front of him. He looked like a miniature teenager, so Sirius assumed the kid was probably a fourth year. He had straight blonde hair and light eyes, and he was smiling unapologetically.

Sirius continued to chew, even as he talked. Cissy frowned at him from where she sat perched next to Malfoy. “What’s a vacuum?”

“Don’t talk to him.” Malfoy sneered, sending Sirius a conspiring look. “He’s a mudblood.”

“A mudblood!” A few specks of food fell from his mouth, but he paid no mind. He was staring at the boy with a renewed interest, and only a little disgust. “In Slytherin?”

“The only mudblood in Slytherin.” The boy said proudly, straightening his shoulders. He gave Lucius Malfoy a sharp, cruel smile and Sirius could see exactly why he’d been put there. He turned back to Sirius, and his smile relaxed into something more genuine, even though Sirius was still staring at him like he was a rare species. “It’s a muggle thing. You plug it in and it picks up dirt off the ground.”

“Plug?” Sirius was even more boggled.

“Sirius.” Narcissa spat. She was glaring at him so harshly he shut his mouth and looked down at his food. “Don’t talk to my cousin, or I’ll make sure you wake up without your tongue.”

The rest of the meal he was quiet, embarrassed at being scolded for anyone to see. He even ignored Andy, who had patted his knee in a comforting manner. Who did Narcissa think she was? Bossing him around like that, telling him who he couldn’t talk to. Not that he really wanted to talk to the mudblood, but it was the principle of the matter! That was exactly the reason he hadn’t gone after her on the train.

It was only when he received his class schedule that his mood picked up, and Andromeda leaned into his space to look too.

“Ahhh, I can walk you to your first class, Slughorn isn’t too far from there.” She nodded to herself and started shutting her books and slipping them into her bag. Narcissa raised an expectant eyebrow, and Sirius passed it over wordlessly, still stung.

“You’re so sensitive.” She tittered, taking it. She immediately grimaced. “Ugh, first class with the Gryffindor’s? Least you’ll get it over with, I suppose.”

“C’mon now,” Andromeda stood, “I don’t want to be late.”

“I’ll walk you.” Malfoy told Narcissa, who handed his schedule back. She gave Lucius a pleased smile, and out of spite Sirius stepped on the older boys’ foot as he passed.

“Oh. Sorry, Malfoy.” He said as sincerely as possible, not even bothering to look at him. Though he did catch the mudblood smirking, watching Sirius with bright eyes.