Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was fifteen minutes to three AM and the only source of light in the room was the harsh glare cast from the monitor in front of him. His exhaustion made him feel like he was on auto-pilot, causing him to sit slumped in his computer chair with eyes half-lidded while the taste of old coffee lingered on his tongue. His mind was foggy and most likely halfway to sleep but he pushed himself anyways, using the mouse in his hand to continue editing the track he worked on. There was a slight hum emitting from the cooling system in the building, but he couldn’t hear it over the sound of the music coming from the headphones clamped firmly over his ears.

Min Yoongi had been in the studio since seven. He arrived with cup ramen that he had supposed to eat for dinner but it had ultimately been left forgotten on the dark-wood desk he worked at. He had only come in so late to make up for lost time he had spent attending to a schedule set in place for him by his company and he hadn’t meant to stay this long. However, he was no stranger to getting caught up in his work. He wasn’t one to halt his work in an awkward place or leave a task half finished, so he had been there through the night, working away on one particularly stubborn piece. Sure, he wouldn’t finish the whole song in one sitting, but he could finish the arrangement of a particular section. If he didn’t, the song would feel disjointed and he was too much of a perfectionist for that. There were a lot of things that Min Yoongi went about with less than the required amount of energy to complete, but music was not one of them. He wouldn’t dream of slacking when it came to something he loved so much. He was passionate and while it was true that he wasn’t required to work so many sleepless hours bent over a small computer, he did just that because making music meant more to him than his own comfort.

It was early in the morning when he decided to head back to the dorm, having finished off the section that he had been focusing on after what had felt like a day’s shift. While it wasn’t wholly necessary for him to work so intently now that the first half of the album was done, and in promotion, he couldn’t help but write and compose more music in the meantime. He felt like he needed a constant pool of material they could draw from and he wasn’t about to let it dry.

Comebacks were the worst. It was the constant struggle of being exhausted but attempting to look well-rested for the fans. It was nonstop work, sleepless nights, and early mornings. He was no stranger to overworking himself and tonight was no different than all the other nights. So, when Yoongi shuffled inside the dorm, he picked the first spot that looked remotely comfortable and fell asleep on the couch.

He couldn’t remember exactly what time he had gotten in. Maybe it was six in the morning or it could have been six after eight. All he could seem to remember was gazing at a stupid six on the screen of his phone, unable to focus on the rest of the digits before giving up and collapsing soon after. This wasn’t the first time he had come home that early and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. A part of him wondered why he just didn’t sleep at the studio but then he remembered he had tried that once and his computer chair ruined his back for several days. However, waking up to a sore back was a more tempting prospect than what he had been woken up to that afternoon.

They sounded far away at first. The soft tones of Jimin’s giggles were muffled like Yoongi was hearing them from underwater and Taehyung’s deep laugh might have been down the hallway from the apartment, like he was coming from the elevator. Soon Jungkook’s voice was mixed with their laughs, but Yoongi couldn’t even begin to try and comprehend what he was saying; his voice was too far away and his words might as well have been in another language for all the difference that it made.

As their voices came in clearer, he slowly realised that Jungkook was speaking another language. He was saying something in English but it wasn’t making any sense to the older member of the group, not that English often made sense to him anyway. Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut harder, almost as if he was labouring under the delusion that it would make their voices disappear; he soon realised that if it actually did anything at all, it only made them louder. Once he had accepted that he had been officially pulled from his sleep, he didn’t open his eyes immediately. Instead, he resigned himself to laying there while listening to their idiocy. The annoyance he felt was palpable and he wondered if the Maknae line would leave when the wave of his irritation hit them. Anything was better than actually getting up and stopping them, so he begrudgingly tried that for a little while to no avail.

“Look, I speak the best English. Hyung teaches me,” Jungkook assured his friends with a toothy grin. “That sentence says ‘Brb, swan diving into a lake because he just set my ass on fire.’ They’re literally saying they want to go swimming to clear their head.”

Taehyung began to laugh almost hysterically, the sound rumbling from deep within his chest. The next sound that Yoongi heard was that of Jimin’s giggles in response to Taehyung's laugh. The noise began to wear the last strand of patience that Yoongi had. Why couldn’t they just shut the fuck up?

“That is not what it means Jungkookie!” Jimin said through muffled laughs. Yoongi was almost sure that he was covering his mouth and he knew that at any moment, Jimin would start hiccupping.

“Yes it does!” Jungkook insisted stubbornly. “Hyung has been teaching me. They’re saying that they want to go swimming.”

Finally, having enough of their conversation, Yoongi sat up, looking their way with eyes that were less than friendly. “All of your English is shit.”

“Oh good job, you woke up Hyung,” Jungkook said as he gave Jimin and accusatory stare.

Jimin just kept giggling, sitting down on the desk and shaking his head. He was obviously amused, Yoongi could see it in the way his eyes turned into straight lines and how his smile that took over his entire face. However, the oldest of the four of them was not amused. He was tired and aggravated.

“Not that your English is exactly superior,” Jungkook muttered to himself.

“What did you say, kid?” Yoongi asked sharply. He didn’t wait for an answer, he got up and walked straight over to the group and took the laptop out from in front of Kookie.

His actions only seemed to encourage the laughter from Jimin and Taehyung, but they truly began to lose it when Jungkook uttered a soft protest at his Hyung’s actions. Yoongi shook his head and immediately marched towards his room, laptop tucked away under his arm. He was going to try and go back to sleep and they were not going to continue to disturb him.

“Hey!” Jungkook called. “Hyung, that’s mine.”

Yoongi kept walking as he replied, not even bothering to look over his shoulder. “That’s interesting.”

…

Yoongi woke up a couple hours later but chose to lie in bed for some time, recognising the lethargic weight in his limbs that was demotivating him from actually getting up. He considered drifting back into a sleep but ultimately ended up silently staring at the window on the wall adjacent to his bed. He was in an off mood, perhaps from the fact that his sleep had been disturbed. Yoongi felt creativity but lacked the drive to actually do anything with it. Those were the worst days.

When he realised his mouth was dry and in need of water, he looked to the table next to his bed, hoping a bottle would be there. There wasn’t anything to drink, but Jungkook’s laptop sat on top of the stand. He considered texting the Maknae to tell him to come and get his shit, not ready to get out of bed yet, but even that required an amount of energy he wasn’t sure he was willing to expend. With a soft sigh, he reached for the laptop and brought it to his stomach, setting it there as he opened it and the screen lit up.

He squinted at the page the younger boys had been looking at and it took him an embarrassingly long time to realise it was a blog. The page was all pink except for the side bar, which was a collage of pictures, all of them his face. Upon closer inspection, he realised every picture was of him making some kind of stupid expression and he let out a snort, shaking his head. Fingers finding the trackpad, he moved for the button at the top of the page to close it until his eyes caught one of the tags on the most recent text-post.

#he inspires me to try

It took him only a minute or so to riddle out their meaning, using his limited knowledge of English to figure out what they were saying. He wasn’t sure why, but something about those words caught him. It was like an invisible hand reached into his chest and grabbed a hold of him, pulling. It wasn’t painful, but his heart ached in a weird way. It was like he longed for something, but he didn’t know what that something was.

He closed the laptop, looking up towards the window again. Yoongi pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, mulling over the weird sensation that he felt inside and the heaviness of his limbs. He shrugged when he came to the conclusion that the weird feeling must have been centered in his lack of motivation to use the creativity that he felt. Whenever he experienced that sensation, everything else just felt off.

He looked up when the door to his room opened and was greeted by Seokjin who walked inside and sat on the other bed occupying their space, holding a bottle of water in his hand. The older boy smiled at him and then his gaze fell to Jungkook’s laptop. Yoongi rolled his eyes and picked it up, holding it out to him. Jin exchanged the water he had for the laptop and then stood up again, smiling once more. “Thank you, Yoongi-yah.”

“Yeah, just tell Jungkook if he wakes me up again I’m keeping it,” he said as he twisted the cap off the bottle and began to drink deeply from it.

Jin only nodded in response as he headed towards the door. Before he closed it, he poked his head back inside and smiled at Yoongi once more. “Don’t go back to sleep. We’re going to eat soon.”

“Okay,” Yoongi said as he yawned and rubbed at his eyes.

When Jin shut the door, Yoongi looked back towards the window. Slowly, he threw his legs over the edge of the bed and got up. He didn’t start moving until he had stretched, letting out another yawn as he lifted both of his arms into the air. Scratching at the back of his head, he made his way over to the sill and looked outside.

As his dark eyes studied the sky, he felt that pulling from his chest again. As he watched the clouds build overhead, signaling that there was rain to come, he silently blamed the weather for his mood. When it began to rain he opened the window and listened to the soft patter of the water splashing on the roof above him. He moved before he really thought of it, walking over to the small desk that occupied the corner of the room, snug against the wall it shared with his bed. He sat down, concentrating on the sound of the rain as he pulled his lyric book closer to his body, and then picked up a pen. He looked down at the blank page of the note book in front of him, took a deep breath, and then began to write.

Chapter Text

It had been a few days since the incident with Jungkook’s laptop and Yoongi had not really left his room for much of anything but the bathroom and food. He spent the time that he wasn’t out of the dorm bent over his desk scribbling lyrics down, crossing them out, and then trying again. Words were not coming easily, everything felt forced and on top of that he still felt lethargic and unmotivated to do much of anything.

He wasn’t normally like this. Usually, he always had a reserve of energy to draw from when it came to music, but this was different. He just felt tired and it was the kind of exhaustion that didn’t necessarily arise from a lack of sleep. Beyond just feeling drained, he felt compressed, like the walls were slowly getting closer to him. Nevertheless, he used the energy to write the song he had been working on, even if getting the words onto paper felt like he was trying to pull nails out of a floorboard with his fingers alone.

Maybe it was because this time he was writing from an unfamiliar place. Normally words circled around in his head, pushing the concept further and further until it was finished. However, this time it felt like he was desperately searching for the right words to fit the emotions that were bearing down on him. It felt like he was like he was underwater and sinking, the pressure pushing him farther down until he hit the bottom. Yoongi felt like the only thing he could do under the weight of the sea was look up at the surface above him and watch as it grew more distant.

He just felt sad, so fucking unbearably sad, but he didn't have the slightest clue as to why. He felt like he was losing something precious, something that he could not go on without. Or at least, it seemed unlikely that he could. It was as if everything important to him was crumbling around him, walls coming down stone by stone. He couldn't even envision what he was supposed to do next. All he knew is that he desperately wanted to hold onto something that was dying and slipping through his fingers no matter how tight he made his grip. Yoongi was sure that if he let go, everything would change and what he wanted to hold onto so desperately would disappear forever.

And yet…he had no experiences that correlated with those feelings.

It didn’t make any sense but he felt the ache, like a fresh wound dug into his skin. Not knowing the source of what he felt made it pretty freaking hard to actually try and sort through it. It was like he was expected to navigate through a forest blindfolded and not trip. So, Yoongi did the only thing he felt he would actually help and poured the feelings into writing, no matter how hard it was to turn them into words. He worked through the day until he heard Jin’s voice echo throughout the apartment, alerting him that dinner was done. Yoongi looked down at the song he had roughly written out, chewing on his lip as his eyes traversed the lined paper his sloppy handwriting had been laid onto. He gripped the pen a little tighter before he slowly moved his hand up the page to write the title where he had left a space for it.

Dead Leaves.

Tomorrow, he would hand it off to Namjoon to look at and hoped to god that when he did, the feelings would go with the piece of paper. He sighed, sitting back in his chair and yawning as he cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders. He sat there for a moment longer, gaze focused on the sky. It was raining again and the clouds were a wash of grey that stretched endlessly across the horizon. He blinked and stood up, shaking the unsettled feeling off and closing his lyric book before he made his way out of the room and towards the others.

…

“Let’s clean up,” Yoongi said to the group as he stood up from the table, stretching out his limbs and letting out a small yawn as he curled his hands up.

“And this is where he leaves,” Jungkook muttered as he looked at his Hyung out of his peripheral vision.

“Ah, Hyung I think you should do the dishes this time,” Taehyung said with a grin, knowing he was more likely to get away with teasing the older boy relatively unscathed compared to the others.

Yoongi ignored the three younger guys, still not having completely forgiven them for waking him, especially now that he realised he had felt off ever since, and walked towards the living room. He plopped down on the couch, mussing his hair with one hand and looking around with dull eyes. He supposed he could go back to his room and write, due to the fact that he wasn’t feeling too social, but didn’t really feel like returning to his lyric book either. He didn’t want to go back to the feelings he had contained inside now that he was experiencing a little relief from the pressure.

He heard the distinct sound of dishes clanking in the room he left behind and Taehyung’s deep laugh. Yoongi felt far away from that, like even if he crossed the threshold and joined them, he wouldn’t really be there. He felt cut-off from his friends and isolated, to the point where it was painful. Inside, a nervous sort of feeling ricocheted around inside of him as his body tensed so hard and abruptly that he could feel a stomach ache coming on. It was a strange sort of disassociation and definitely another case of him not having a logical answer for what he felt. Maybe he had eaten some bad food the other day and now he was poisoned and dying. That seemed to make some sense to him, definitely more than not having a reason at all.

Yoongi took in a deep breath, drawing air into his lungs until the feeling became uncomfortable and then tried some more. He held it there a moment, closing his eyes and trying his best to relax despite the tension he felt. Biting his lip, he concentrated on expelling everything he was feeling when he exhaled.

Of course, it didn’t fucking work.

Now he just felt slightly starved for air and just as tense as before. He wanted to groan because everything was getting ridiculous, and leaned back in the chair. He scratched his head and then messed with his blonde hair until he felt like it was falling correctly again around his head while his eyes scanned the room, searching for something to distract himself with.

His dark eyes settled on the coffee table in front of him, focusing on Jungkook’s laptop. It was lying atop of some magazines that had been haphazardly laid there and looked like it could slide onto the floor at any minute. Yoongi let out a deep sigh and reached forwards, fingertips skimming across the smooth surface of the device before grabbing it and dragging it towards himself.

For a brief second he wondered if he should be touching Jungkook’s stuff, but then he remembered that he had stolen his underwear and worn them once. The bar had been set reasonable high and Yoongi was fairly confident that there was no way messing with his laptop would be the thing that crossed the line. So, he opened the lid and hit the power button, bringing it out of its sleep.

He was met with a blank home screen, nothing of significance showing. He was about to shut the laptop again, coming to the realisation he had no reason to be on it in the first place, before his eyes found the icon for the internet browser. He clicked it, bringing up a new page and brought the cursor to the address bar, hovering there as he tried to think of what he wanted to do next.

#he inspires me to try

The pink blog floated into his mind, the one with the sidebar that was made up of pictures of his face and the tags in English. He had the oddest sensation to find it again but didn’t even know how to start. He sat there for a while, mulling over his options on how he could try to relocate the blog and decided to start with the browser history. Yoongi set to work, fingers gliding over the trackpad. However, when he brought up the history, he let out a sigh upon seeing it had been wiped clean. He rolled his eyes, saying a curse under his breath for Jungkook and the fact that he had probably been watching porn at some point last night. Blowing the air out of his lungs, he closed the history and tried to think of another way he could find it.

He came to the conclusion that there was nothing he could do. To start, he didn’t even know what website it was on and then there was the issue that he was supposed to somehow track down a page that was pink and had his face all over it. Yoongi knew that there were probably beyond thousands of pages just like that and that wasn’t even egotistical of him to believe. It was just the truth of the matter.

He drew his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down on the pink flesh but then accepted that he wasn’t going to find that blog and shut the laptop. Disappointment bubbled inside his gut, for reasons he couldn’t even begin to process, and he sat there for a while mulling over the reason for the sudden impulse to look at that blog again in the first place. Without thinking much about it, he pushed the laptop onto the couch and stood up to his feet.

At least he wasn’t feeling sad anymore.

He made his way into the kitchen again, intending to go back to his room for the night and crossed paths with Jungkook who was having a conversation with Namjoon. As Yoongi passed him, he reached up and tapped at the back of his head. “Ay, kid, stop watching porn on your laptop.”

He couldn’t see Jungkook’s face, but he could guess by the way his body tensed the kid was blushing up to his hairline. The Maknae turned to him, eyebrows pulled together. “I’m not.”

Yoongi shrugged, not particularly caring in the first place about what Jungkook did in his spare time but grumpy enough about the disappointment he still felt to bring it up anyways. “Cleared browser history means porn.”

Jungkook raised his eyebrow, crossing his arms and squaring his shoulders, but the older boy wasn’t particularly impacted because he was used to people being taller than him. “Why were you in my browsing history, Hyung?”

Yoongi opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. How the fuck was he going to explain why he was in his browser history? It wasn’t like he could tell him the truth because that was just embarrassing, not that this situation wasn’t already now that Jungkook had turned it around on him. In all honesty, he just wanted to lie on the floor at this point.

“Does it matter?” he asked him as he shrugged. He shook his head and began to walk towards his room again, lifting one hand up into a wave. “Ruin your laptop with viruses, I don’t care.”

Jungkook turned to Namjoon and continued to cross his arms. “You asked to use my laptop last night.”

Yoongi snorted and shook his head. Of course it was Namjoon, it was always Namjoon when it came to these things. Namjoon literally had no shame about anything ever.

He reached for his door, hand turning the knob as he caught the tail end of what Kookie was saying. “You ruined the company computer that way, don’t ruin mine too, Hyung.”

Chapter Text

Yoongi spent the next week going to schedules, writing, and locking himself in the studio to work on some of the beats that he had floating around inside of his head. Occasionally he’d get an intense wave of some unidentifiable feeling and sit around unsure of what to do with himself, but at least he could function creatively again. When those moments of feeling unsettled came, he usually caved in on the desire to crawl into bed so he could sleep them off. But the decision of sleeping or not truly rested with how much free time he actually had to his name that day. Some days, it was not any. 

He had also spent the last week trying to figure out some way to identify the website Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung had been on without directly asking any of them. He would really love it if none of them found out he was trying to do exactly what he had scolded them all for but didn’t really have a way to make that happen. He supposed he should just forget about it, but it was difficult. He wasn’t sure why he was obsessing over it, but then again, he wasn’t sure what had been up with him in general lately.

Maybe he really was sick.

Yoongi closed his eyes as he let out a yawn, trying to will himself to sleep for the third time that night. He had a schedule to attend in the morning, but his brain was being restless and stubborn. Instead of sleeping, like he should be, he had ended up lying around in bed feeling like he was jet-lagged. With a sigh, he opened his eyes and stared at his ceiling, trying to count the little textured-bumps there to pass time. What were they called again? He considered taking out his phone and googling it, but then he'd have to stop counting. But it didn't matter in the end because he lost count around twenty-four and then decided it wasn’t worth starting over. Instead, he was left with the company of his own thoughts.

Rolling onto his side, he reached for his phone on his bedside table. He could probably send a text to his mom and ask her how she was doing, but he didn’t want to risk that it would wake her up and rob her of sleep too. He tried playing a game for a bit, but grew bored of it fairly quickly (and it wasn’t that he was losing.) He opened up his browser and went to Google, pausing to actually think about what he was going to type into the search bar. Yoongi was about one-hundred and fifty percent positive that this would not work, but his thumbs swept across the touchscreen anyways.

He tried ‘kpop blog websites’ first, but it returned nothing of use, just a bunch of gossip blogs and merchandise sites. After that, he tried various other rewordings and even eventually ditched specifying kpop blogs in the search. The issue with looking for blogging websites was that there were literally dozens and he had no idea which one the pink blog belonged to or even how to figure that out. Yoongi kept trying anyway though. For about two hours, he searched the web, looking from site to site. He even tried cross-searching their tag and his name but found nothing. It was an exhausting process and by the end of the two hours, when his eyelids were beginning to droop, he realised that he had given himself a headache. He set his phone back on the bedside and then closed his eyes, shimmying in bed until he got comfortable enough to drift into a sleep.

He knew there was little choice now; he was going to have to ask Jungkook, Taehyung or Jimin about the site. The trick was figuring out which one he could ask and convince to keep their mouth shut. He fell asleep thinking about his choices and hoped by the morning he would know what to do.

…

He chose Jimin.

He had been mulling over it for two days. Jungkook was exactly the person Yoongi did not want to ask, as he was fairly certain the whole thing was his idea in the first place. Not to mention there was also the fact that Yoongi had already been caught prying into his browsing history and he didn’t feel partial to reliving that experience.

Taehyung might have been a pretty safe choice. After all, he most likely knew what site they were on but the rapper got the sense if he was asked a related question by somebody else, he might bring up Yoongi’s curiosity to them. Not to mention, Taehyung was much more intuitive than he let on and he didn’t want to risk him asking any questions. Yoongi wasn’t even sure what the fuck he was doing anymore, so he definitely didn’t want someone inquiring about things he couldn’t answer. He'd prefer not to let the others worry about him. 

And so there was Jimin.

If he hadn’t messed up with Kookie the other day, he would have just went to him but it looked like this situation spelled ‘fucked’ no matter how he rearranged the letters. Yoongi picked Jimin because he was fairly sure that he could get him to keep his mouth shut. Yoongi was confident that he was the better of all the bad choices. However, approaching the younger boy and bringing it up wasn’t an easy task. He didn’t want to make it seem weird, but then again, maybe he was overthinking this entire thing anyways. Or it could be weird no matter how many ways he tried to turn the situation.

Why was it a big deal for him to want to know what website they were looking at when they woke him up? It wasn’t like they were just going to suddenly guess he had recently been questioning his own mental health and obsessing over a blog he had only seen once. That was insanity.

"Ah yes, let me introduce you to Social Anxiety. A motherfucker who doesn't need to follow the rules of sanity," Yoongi mumbled to himself after letting out a groan. 

He looked up at the ceiling for a long time, feeling like he should get up but ignoring that intuition for a while. Finally, after what seemed like twenty more minutes, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Yoongi figured that he needed to just relax and probably drink some water. Think rationally. He was confident that once he saw that stupid internet page again, he would be fine.

The temperature of the floor bit at his feet, the summer air making the room he shared with Jin so humid and hot that it might as well have been slowly cooking them. He pulled at the collar of his shirt a few times, trying to fan air onto himself as he made his way to the door and out of the room. He walked down the hall until he found the room Taehyung, Jimin, and Hoseok shared. He took a small breath, to prepare himself for nonsense, and then poked his head through the open door.

Jimin was lying on his singular bed, staring at his phone that he held above his face, one leg crossed over the other. He was dressed in a tank top and shorts, something simple to combat the heat. His window was wide open behind him, a futile effort in the war to stay cool. His red hair shined brightly under the light streaming in through the window and his tanned skin looked warm but, then again, that was probably because their dorm felt more like a humid swamp than an apartment.

Yoongi walked further into the room and called his name, watching as Jimin looked up at him curiously. He held his gaze for a moment before Jimin yawned and then set his phone down on his stomach. He sat up, resting his back against the small headboard and gave Yoongi his full attention.  

“Hey,” Yoongi started, stuffing his hands into the pockets of the shorts he wore while trying to sound as natural as possible. He didn’t say anything further, just stood there like an awkward freshman who was trying to mingle with the older students at a school.

“Hey…” Jimin said as he raised his eyebrow. “Do you need something, Hyung?”

Yoongi nodded and crossed his arms, hoping to appear indifferent. “What was that website the three of you were on when you woke me up last week?”

Jimin furrowed his brow, giving Yoongi a questioning stare. It was then that Yoongi knew it was kind of a weird question. When he actually remembered to put in the context that everything he had been obsessing over happened a week ago, he realised most people would have forgotten about it by then.  He reached for something quickly, and just prayed it was good enough to curb anymore suspicion.

“When I had the laptop I saw the blog you were looking at was an A.R.M.Y’s…I just wanted to take a look around,” he explained smoothly as he shrugged.

“It was Tumblr,” Jimin told him, seemingly satisfied with his explanation. “But a lot of people on it are international fans and most of it is in English.”

“So?” Yoongi asked coolly, already knowing where he was going.

Jimin looked like he wanted to say more, but Yoongi got the distinct impression he was smart enough not to. His English was not shit, it was just out of practice. There was a difference.

He looked back at the redhead when he began to laugh softly. Jimin shook his head, a smile showing his teeth. “Just so you know, Hyung, the international fans can be intense.”

Before Yoongi could answer, Hoseok came into the room and smiled when he saw him. “Ah, Yoongi. Here is the song that you gave us. Namjoonie and I passed it back and forth, do you want to take another look at it?”

Yoongi simply nodded and took the notebook from him before turning on heel, leaving the room. “I’ll bring it into the studio tomorrow if I don’t make any changes.”

…

Several days went by before Yoongi even got the chance to think about trying to locate the blog he had seen. As it was, the second Red Bullet tour kept him busy enough but the group had also recently released the Dope music video. To Yoongi, it seemed like the only way he could get the recommended amount of sleep would be to slip into a coma and that really wasn’t an option.

He should have been sleeping. It was an hour to midnight and he should have been fast asleep, seeing as tomorrow he had to board a flight and travel to the US. They would depart on a fourteen-hour flight, leaving at ten am only to get there sometime past eleven-thirty in the morning, the day before. When he thought about it, he’d probably be better off staying up at this point and then sleeping on the plane, waking up for the morning. Any way that he spun it, he was going to be fucked.

Yoongi looked towards the bed Seokjin occupied, dark eyes focusing in on the shape beneath the sheet that was pulled up to his ears, his torso slowly rising and falling. He had no idea how the eldest member could sleep with anything covering him in this heat and, for a brief moment, he got distracted by the thought that Jin might just be insane. Flicking his eyes over his form once more, Yoongi grabbed his phone and then pressed the button on the side button to wake it from its slumber, turning the volume all the way down.

He went to his browser and typed Tumblr into google, finding out pretty quickly there was a mobile app. He sighed as he went to the app store and then waited for it to download and install, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he looked up at the ceiling in the meantime. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to track down this blog, he didn’t even know where to start. All he had to go on was that the others had managed to find it.

His eyes widened and he froze for a second.

The others did find it. They had to have been searching something specific and come across that blog, but what? If Yoongi could figure that out, he could follow in their footsteps and find the blog. But how the ever living fuck was he supposed to do that without asking any of them for help?

He licked his dry lips, inwardly cursing the way that the fan sitting in front of the window had made them crack while it alternated between blowing slightly less hot air on between them. He looked back at the screen of his phone, blinking a few times so he could adjust to the light again and then clicked on the app icon. To start, it looked like he needed an account.

He blinked a couple of times in rapid succession, knowing they weren’t supposed to have social media unless it was managed…but it wasn’t like he had to come out and say it was him. This could be a secret and he didn’t have to keep it forever either. He could just have it long enough to find this blog and then get rid of it when his curiosity was sated. His account would be a temporary secret, but that meant he definitely couldn’t let the Maknae line figure up what he was up to.

Yoongi looked towards Jin one more time, subconsciously checking to see if the other member was sleeping still. When he had counted the rise and fall of his chest three times, he looked back at his screen. He let out a sigh and then began to fill out the required information, hoping this didn’t backfire and then bite him in the ass.

Chapter Text

Yoongi's eyes were drooping and hardly able to stay open while he spent all of his concentrated focus on preventing himself from slightly swaying back and forth in his seat. Staying up the previous night had definitely been a mistake but, in less than an hour, Yoongi knew he would be on the plane and could finally sleep. He was just lucky the airport was air-conditioned and the sticky heat from the humid July day couldn’t follow him inside. But then again, maybe the air conditioning inside the airport made it too comfortable and without the humidity, he was more likely to actually fall asleep right in the plastic chair he occupied. 

The other six members of his group talked lightly among themselves, excited about returning to the United States again. He couldn’t follow their conversation, he was too tired and he definitely wouldn’t be able to respond to them even if he wanted to try and keep up. But he needed to stay awake and Yoongi was pretty sure he was less likely to do that sitting in waiting area of Incheon Airport. The plastic chairs were very rigid. 

Yoongi yawned as he reached into his pocket, pulling his phone out from inside. When he turned it on, he saw the album of the song he was currently playing lit up on the touchscreen. He minimised the music app, listening to the melody in his ears as he began to search through his phone, looking for something to do. His thumb hovered over the little blue icon with a ‘t’ in the centre. Glancing up and around him, his eyes focused on his other groupmates as he checked to see if they were paying too much attention to him. When he felt sure that they were not, he flicked his gaze back down to the screen and he tapped on the icon.  

He had spent all night trying to figure out how to use the blasted app and had managed to follow five blogs, so his dash had a little activity on it. That was the most of what he had figured out in the hours that he had spent, though he wouldn’t deny he spent a questionably long time scrolling through the dash the website made for him. He had finally managed to close the app an hour before he had to go and had gotten absolutely nowhere in his search for the pink blog.

Yoongi let out a sigh, tapping the icon that would bring him to his blog menu. He decided to change his username, feeling jjangjjangmanboongboong was too long and entirely too obvious since the URL of his blog sharred his username. He nodded to himself, knowing the task of trying to think up a new one would keep him from falling asleep. It was, at the least, better than him sitting there trying not to let his body sway around from exhaustion. The only problem was that a sleep-deprived brain sucked ass at naming anything.

He licked his lips, inwardly sighing at the slight sting from the tiny splits in their surface. His mind mulled over the possibilities, but everything seemed either stupid or too obvious. Yoongi could not risk anyone finding out it was him on this site, or else it would just cause a world of problems and he wasn’t particularly fond of the idea of facing them. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard, but every time he tried to reach for a name, his mind drew a blank.

“Come the fuck on,” he whispered to himself, biting his bottom lip in a hope that the small sting would kick his ass into gear.

Sir-Suga? No, that was just a bad idea and he really didn’t want to do anything linking to his own identity. Jiminniebabo? Not liking the account to his name didn’t mean turning around and linking it to Jimin’s instead. He needed to come up with something detached, something that could never be linked back to him. Hwayangyeonhwa?

Now he was just being stupid.

“Fuck it,” he swore to himself under his breath as his thumbs danced across the keyboard, typing in the first thing that came to his mind.

Looking down at the URL he had typed, Yoongi sighed. He knew it was both perfect and incredibly stupid. There was no way trying-to-find-your-blog would ever be linked back to him from the URL alone but, at the same time, it was so freaking desperate. However, at the end of the day, Min Yoongi couldn’t pretend that desperate wasn’t what he was; it was especially the case since he knew that he created a profile on this stupid website just to track down a blog he had seen once for no other particular reason than he felt like he needed to see it again. He reached up to his head, scratching at his blond hair as he blinked tiredly, staring at the URL for a little longer before he accepted the change.

He jumped when he felt someone’s hand land on his shoulder and immediately locked his phone, glancing upwards at whoever had touched him. His dark eyes made contact with Namjoon, who regarded his jumpy behavior without much thought, Yoongi had been wearing headphones after all and most likely did not hear him approach. When he took one of the earbuds out of his ear, his friend gave him a small smile.

“We’re going now,” Namjoon told him softly, gesturing towards the terminal.

“Right,” Yoongi said as he nodded and slowly got to his feet. He let out a yawn and then a stretch, reaching down for his carry-on bag and then rubbing at his tired eyes.

He followed the group, his legs feeling a bit like jelly when he took the first couple of steps, getting used to walking again while being so tired. He stuffed his phone into his pocket and dug for his passport and ticket, taking them out of the bag that he walked with and then put on his sunglasses. For the next fourteen hours that he would be on the plane, he intended to sleep and then maybe even a little more during the car ride to their hotel.

…

When the plane made its descent onto American soil, Yoongi was roused from his sleep. It was bumpy and his seat shook lightly from the process of touching down on the landing strip. He wanted to pretend he was surprised that he had managed to sleep the entirety of the fourteen-hour flight, but he really wasn’t. Sleep came very naturally to him. In fact, Min Yoongi could nap pretty much anywhere and, if he got to rest undisturbed, he never questioned the opportunity to sleep. He always just took it.  Sometimes he would fall into a sleep that would last so long it could be worrying; if people did not know any better, they might think he was comatose.

The process of getting off the plane, going through customs, finding his luggage, and everything else that he needed to do, went by quickly. It was only while he was sitting in the van and waiting to be taken to his hotel room that he realised the steps that it had taken him to get from the plane to the vehicle were a blur. He was pretty sure that he must have gone through them in a complete daze because he couldn't recall doing it. Yoongi let a drawn-out yawn pass his lips, stretching his arms and shoulders out, hoping that it would wake him up at least a little bit. Soon enough, the other members piled into the van and he was squished between a window and Jimin who was laughing loudly at something Seokjin had said before they got into the van. Yoongi didn’t mind, he liked the window seat. It meant he could ignore the loud chatter, turn on his music, and let his mind wander for a while. Unfortunately, being able to relax like that was a luxury he couldn't always afford. 

Ten minutes passed while his music played and his mind didn't particularly concentrate on anything. They travelled along some highway and, as he stared at the passing cars, he began to feel a little strange. It started out as a growing feeling of unease in his gut and then slowly turned into a subtle ache. Unfortunately, it was not the kind of ache that he could pinpoint to one place in his body. He just hurt.

Yoongi frowned deeply, knowing this was the same kind of sadness that he had felt the other week and was seriously considering that maybe he needed to talk to someone. Getting sad out of thin air was not normal, especially when he couldn’t even try to begin to understand why he felt that way. He looked towards the back of Namjoon’s head from the seat in front of him; if he was going to talk to anyone about this, it was him. But maybe another day, when he was sure it wasn’t just a lack of sleep messing with his brain. All he knew for sure is that the pain felt very deep-seated.

He let out a sigh, trying to concentrate on the lyrics of his music, hoping it would distract him from thinking about the underlying sadness he felt. He was happy his headphones blocked out so much sound from the outside because, while he could hear the slight murmur of the multitude of voices around them, it wasn’t enough to disrupt him. However, the hand landing on his arm and lightly shaking him was enough to pull him out of his own mind.

Yoongi’s dark eyes settled on Jimin who smiled at him. He couldn’t hear him, but he could tell he had said his name by the way his lips moved. Sighing, he reached up and took out one of his earbuds, turning down the volume on his phone. “What is it?”

Jimin kept his voice low and it forced Yoongi to turn the volume even further down to the point where all he could hear was the constant beat of the base. At this point, it was more like a feeling rather than a sound, lightly pulsing in his ear. He concentrated on focusing on Jimin’s lips, relying on reading them to piece together what he said.

Jimin had a grin on his face, the kind that might as well have screamed that he was up to mischief. “So, how is Tumblr coming?”

Yoongi wasn’t particularly worried or threatened by his friend’s expression, after all, it was only Jimin. Sure, the kid liked to cause a little trouble sometimes but he would never aim to actually hurt another person. He was too kind and cared entirely too much about others for that. However, that didn’t mean he was incapable of teasing.

Yoongi shrugged in response, pushing forwards the persona of indifference. “It’s not. I was just curious.”

Jimin snorted and narrowed his eyes, shifting his expression to something more suspicious. “I saw you on the app back at Incheon.”

“I was trying to figure it out,” Yoongi rebuffed, continuing to act like he wasn’t fazed by Jimin bringing this up.

“I saw you change your URL,” Jimin said, his grin growing like he thought he had caught Yoongi in a corner.  

Yoongi looked towards him again, raising his brow slightly. “Look, what do you want?”

“I was just curious,” he said with a small smile, mirror his Hyung’s words from a few seconds ago.

Yoongi shifted in his seat, looking back out the window. His body language reeked that he was being dismissive, but he doubted that would really stop Jimin from continuing the conversation. Sometimes, Yoongi got a little irritated that the kid knew he had a soft-spot for him. He used it to his advantage, or at the very least, appeared to be testing boundaries with the knowledge.

He let out a sigh, knowing that at the end of the day, his friend was most likely just trying to make sure everything was okay. Just because Jimin was being a little shit about the way he inquired, didn’t mean he was being a dick. Even Yoongi could recognise his behavior had been less than normal lately and Jimin was probably worried.

“I told you, I wanted to look at A.R.M.Y. blogs,” Yoongi said as he flicked his eyes back to Jimin’s, re-establishing the connection.

“Did you find any you liked?” Jimin asked curiously, settling a little more comfortably into his seat.

It then occurred to Yoongi that this was his chance to ask one of them about the pink blog without really asking about it. He desperately tried to remain calm, but he didn’t know if his expression had shifted for a second to something of triumph. Jimin wasn’t looking at him any differently, so he proceeded cautiously.

“There was one I saw,” Yoongi said as he yawned, trying his best to act slightly disinterested even though he could suddenly feel his heartbeat in his ears. He had a brief thought about how nervous he felt, but pushed it down, continuing the conversation. “Part of the background, to the side, was just a bunch of pictures of my face.”

Jimin nodded like he understood and it gave Yoongi slight hope that maybe he knew what blog he was talking about. “Yeah, there are a lot of blogs with stuff like that. Some of them are really funny because they get pictures of you literally making the worst faces. It’s all in good humour though.”

Yoongi couldn’t pretend he wasn’t a little disappointed with the fact that he not only didn’t seem to know the exact blog, but also the fact that one of the things he had been counting on as being an identifiable aspect of the blog was apparently a trend. How the fuck was he supposed to locate it now? There was always the tag he had memorised from their blog, but he didn’t even know how to search for it. Without knowing exactly what the Maknae line had been searching for when they stumbled upon it, he might as well have been trying to find a needle in a haystack.

“Yeah, it was different,” Yoongi said with a shrug, eyes flicking back to the road.

Jimin smiled at him again and put his hand on his shoulder. “Just don’t go on that site before bed, you’ll stay up too long.”

Yoongi nodded in response and watched out of his peripheral vision as Jimin turned in his seat towards Taehyung to speak to him instead. He sat there for a few seconds, his mind playing through all the facts of the situation he was in before he picked his headphone back up and plugged it into his ear again.

Getting comfortable once more, Yoongi decided that the next time he saw the three of them on the laptop, he would try to get close. If he could just hover around for a while, he could probably figure out what they searched for and hopefully it would bring him one step closer to finding the pink blog. If he could find it and take a closer look, he was confident his curiosity would be sated and then he could go back to a time when he wasn’t driving himself insane while obsessing over it. 

Chapter Text

The next opportunity that Yoongi even had the time to consider Tumblr, was when he was in Chicago. Because he was touring, he hardly had time to get a solid amount of sleep, forget play on the internet. Sure, there were gaps where he could do it like in the car, his dressing rooms, and during pauses in rehearsals but he preferred to spend that time napping. If he didn’t, Yoongi was sure he would be entirely too exhausted to function.

The next opportunity he found was during the space of time that occupied the late morning and the early afternoon. The seven of them were eating brunch, chewing on food that had been set out for them in the dressing room of the venue they were due to perform in. They had rehearsal in an hour and due to the manager accidentally setting the alarm an hour earlier than necessary, he found himself with some spare time.

Yoongi scanned the room, brown eyes particularly searching for Jimin and the space he was occupying. He sat on the arm of the couch next to Kookie, messing with his hair and laughing at something. Feeling safe from his apparently perceptive eyes, he got onto his phone and opened the Tumblr app. He pressed his lips together, trying to think of exactly why he had gone to the app in the first place and then shrugged as he began to scroll.

His eyes focused in on the little icon on the bottom right side of the app, knowing he could make a post with it. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, realising that maybe he could ask for help locating the blog by just making a post and tagging it with ‘help me’ or something. Nodding to himself, as if he was confirming it was the best idea he had ever conceived, he swept his eyes around the room once more and took a mental note of where everyone was. When he looked back down, he tapped the icon and then began to make a text post.

He looked down at the keyboard and saw the Hangul characters waiting for him to make his entry and it made him hesitate for a moment. Logically, when he thought about it, the blog wrote in English which meant he had to reach out to English speakers to find it. Plus, there was also the fact that he was in the United States and he was supposed to be improving his English whenever he could. So many of their fans were internationally based and he wanted to be able to reach out more anyways. So this was like killing two birds with one stone.

Having made up his mind, Yoongi switched over his keyboard and tried to think of how he should word what he wanted to say. In all honesty, Yoongi knew he sucked at English. He may have fought this accusation a lot and said he was “just rusty” but he sucked at it. The grammar and structure of the language made no sense to him, it was literally backward. However, he was stubborn and his mind was made up. If he was going to find the blog, he needed to take some risks.

How find blog? He didn’t like that, it seemed too simple. It also wasn’t right, he knew he was missing some words that would actually make the sentence flow and make sense, but he just didn’t know what they were. He let out a deep sigh and tried again.

Help find blog? He didn’t particularly like that either. It lacked information and he felt like people wouldn’t really know what he was looking for or how to help him.

“Hyung?”

He snapped away from his phone and turned it face down on his thigh while his eyes searched for who had set their hand on his shoulder. His gaze latched onto Taehyung who was standing next to the chair Yoongi was sunk into. He studied him for a moment, but Yoongi didn’t feel like he particularly looked like he was up to anything suspicious. He relaxed and gave him his attention. “What?”

“Hyung wants us to go get a feel for the stage,” Taehyung said as he gestured to their manager.

“Okay,” Yoongi said with a nod. “I’ll be out in a second, just need to finish a text.”

Taehyung offered him a soft smile before following the others out. The manager waited behind for Yoongi and he suddenly felt very self-conscious, like if he moved wrong he would know what he was up to. He swallowed despite his mouth being dry and suddenly took notice of how hot it was in the room before lifting his phone back up. Thumbs blazing over the keyboard, he wrote the first thing he could think of and tagged it as quickly as possible before shutting out the app and locking his phone.

How I find pink blog? #helpme, #helpmeplease, #pinkblog

He stuffed his phone into his pocket like it was hot to the touch but, in truth, he just wanted to get it out of his hands. It wasn’t so much that he was ashamed of what he was doing, he just didn’t want to risk that his efforts would be cut off early should anyone find out. Yoongi took a deep breath and then began to walk towards the door, following the manager out of the room and making his way to the stage where the others waited.

…

His muscles were sore and he could still feel the lingering grasp of dehydration even though he had been doing nothing but drinking absurd amounts of water ever since the concert that his group had performed took place. Setting his water bottle down, Yoongi let out a deep sigh and pressed his back against the firm seat of the van. He trained his gaze to the road outside and tried to ignore the ache in his body leftover from exerting himself.

This wasn’t exactly unusual for him, touring was always rough. Constant exertion and little recovery time in return left him tired and exhausted, especially with the particular set of songs they were performing. The shows were incredibly high energy, but the crowd always made it worth the sheer exhaustion he felt afterward. The amount of fans BTS had exploded since their release of I Need U and Yoongi was still trying to process it. He guessed a part of him had never felt like he would get to this point and he never expected to get here and feel like there was still so much to do. He knew he owed the fans everything and he planned to do his best for them, even if it cost him sleep and some of his health.

However, beyond the normal ache and soreness that he felt, there was another feeling mixed in with it that was unwelcomed, to say the least. Yoongi felt the same kind of sadness he had in the week or so leading up to the American branch of the Red Bullet tour. It was like the physical soreness he felt after a concert, he could literally feel it in every fibre of his being, like it was some kind of omnipresent force. Despite it being everywhere at once, he wouldn’t be able to point to a part of his body and tell someone it hurt. It was as if there was someone slowly trying to push him further towards the ground. Every moment that passed by made it harder for him to breathe. It was the reason he was awake while everyone else was catching up on sleep. He couldn’t help but concentrate on the feeling, no matter how hard he tried not to.

He had never felt this way and once again he was puzzling over what he was sad about. His mind reeled to the song he had been tweaking, the one he had poured all of these feelings into the last time he had been struck by unbearable sadness. Feed up, frustrated, and deluding himself into thinking that maybe some kind of answer would jump off the page, Yoongi reached into his bag for his notebook. After opening it, he hesitated.

He let a soft sigh pass through his lips as he smoothed out the pages, letting his fingers absorb the dryness of the page. For the first few seconds, he looked at the words but that was it, he didn’t take them in. He didn’t know why he felt he need to mentally prepare himself, but he did, inhaling steadily as he began to read the lyrics that he had written and the others had made suggestions on. He rubbed at his eyes before he let them scan the page, reading through every lyric several times, sticking to each word until he was sure he had absorbed everything it could possibly mean.

I can’t hold onto you.

I can see that our relationship is fading.

Please don’t leave me.

All the things I thought would last forever are leaving.

I see the end.

He knew he had written about a breakup but between who? He certainly wasn’t involved with it, considering he hadn’t been with anyone in a while, especially not in a way that made him feel like that now that it was over. He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and wrung out in front of his eyes. If he was standing, his legs would have been quivering as if the steady ground was disappearing from beneath his feet. He couldn’t begin to grasp why everything seemed so dark, as if he was desperately trying to navigate through a room he couldn’t see in. Yoongi felt so uncertain and hopeless and it took everything he had inside not to start shaking.

They say when you feel unexplainably sad, you’re helping someone else shoulder their pain when they can’t do it on their own anymore.

He recalled Jungkook reading that to Namjoon off of his laptop months ago while struggling with his English pronunciation. The memory was clear, like he was recalling an HD video he had watched. Jungkook sat in a black armchair, laptop resting on the arm of the chair while he read from it. Namjoon was on the couch, writing lyrics while he had some free time. Yoongi remembered the way Jungkook gave Namjoon his signature toothy smile while he read, as if he knew he had found something he should be proud of. Namjoon had nodded his head in response, like he was confirming that the superstition was solid fact, before he repeated it in Korean to see if it still had the same impact in another language. He had been probably trying to test to see if he could use it as inspiration for some kind of lyric.

But what if it was true? What if this wasn’t his pain? What if that was why he could feel the sadness of losing someone so fucking acutely? He certainly had no experiences that justified the pain churning inside, but what if somebody else did?

Except that was insane.

There was no way in hell he could just channel some random person and help them get through a rough part of their life. To Yoongi, that sounded a hell of a lot more like some bullshit people who were in denial about their depression said. Maybe he was depressed, but he still had the nagging feeling that in order to classify what he felt as depression, he had to have a fucking reason to be sad and he didn’t.

Yoongi groaned, closing his eyes and holding his head for a long moment. Frustration gnawed away at his stomach, unsettling it and creating an uncomfortable mix of sorrow and anger that he wished would just disappear as quickly as it had intruded. Maybe he was sick. He could definitely say with all the confidence in the world that he was dehydrated, overworked, and tired. Maybe his mind was slipping into the grip of madness and he needed medication. Maybe he had eaten some bad food. In fact, there were so many ways he could try and justify the emotions he felt, it was just that every way he tried felt like it was wrong. Every idea that could possibly explain anything sounded more ridiculous than the one before and he was more than sure that all of them were not the reason he felt the way he did.

He let his head loll to the side, resting his forehead against the cold window as he slumped forwards. It was a nice contrast compared to the sticky heat that they drove through, but he got the idea that the uncomfortably hot feeling circulating through his body wasn’t caused by the July night because he felt like he was suffocating. Yoongi let his eyes fall to the asphalt, watching the lines in the road pass by him without really recognising that he was looking at them. He focused on breathing, inhaling deeply and then holding the oxygen inside until he became uncomfortable.

Yoongi closed his eyes, hoping that he was exhausted enough to fall asleep, despite the sorrow attempting to crush him. If he wasn’t tired enough before he started obsessing over what he was feeling he definitely was now. He felt drained and emotionally exhausted to the point where he was pretty sure he could sleep for a week if no one disturbed him. Maybe if they would just let that happen to him, he would stop having this issue, but he doubted it.

Before he drifted off into an anxious rest, his thoughts wandered to the pink blog and the tag they wrote that caught his attention: #he inspires me to try. If he inspired them to try, maybe they could inspire him to get better and to stop feeling like this for no reason. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

Chapter Text

They were on their way to Los Angeles for their final concert in the United States and it wasn’t until Yoongi got off the plane that he started feeling somewhat alright again. He began to feel slightly normal the night before but it wasn’t until the morning that he had managed to completely shake the feelings of unease and sadness that had been plaguing him. He couldn’t deny he was concerned about the causes, but he knew he didn’t have time to put much more thought into it, nor did he have the energy. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway, at the end of the day, he was still just as clueless about their origins as he had been the first time it happened and didn’t particularly care to keep pondering it. Surely, it would drive him insane if he kept trying to understand and he had better things to contribute his energy to.

The manager had told them they wouldn’t have time to look around and yet three of the seven members had snuck out during their short period of rest. Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung were nowhere to be found and Yoongi honestly wasn’t going to complain. He had been terribly paranoid about trying to check his Tumblr with them around.

His anxiety about them finding out what he was up too was rather silly and he knew it, but for Yoongi, it was a matter of pride. His reasoning lingered somewhere between that he didn’t want them to know he apparently enjoyed doing the same immature things that they did and that he didn’t want to admit he had no fucking idea what he was doing most of the time. When it came to the website, he was mostly at a loss; he felt like he wasn’t even exactly sure of how to find anything, forget a blog. However, Yoongi was determined to try and figure it out on his own, or at least, without their help.

After sinking into a comfy black armchair, upholstered with pleather, Yoongi grabbed his phone from the front pocket of his shorts. He scrunched his brows together, uncomfortable from the summer heat that caused his skin to grossly stick against the surface of the chair. He flicked his brown eyes around the room, looking for something to aid in his struggles against the humidity, and they landed on the only fan, which was currently facing Namjoon who was sleeping on the small sofa adjacent to him.

The managers had promised that LA would have dryer heat than New York had, not that Yoongi could pretend he wasn’t used to humidity and heat back in Seoul, but they hadn’t anticipated the rainfall that had made this day particularly gross. He wasn’t sure how the Maknae-line could go running outside in weather like this when all he wanted to do was sit in a pool of cold water all day. This place might not have been Seoul and the temperatures might have been slightly milder than he was used to dealing with, but it didn’t mean he particularly liked being hot at all and definitely didn’t like the feeling of sticking to chairs.

His eyes set on the fan again that was blowing slightly cooler air on Namjoon, which made his short hair flutter around his forehead. Yoongi let out a sigh, knowing what he needed to do. Tired, and not exactly willing to put maximum effort into what he wanted, Yoongi slouched down a little and reached his foot across the floor for the base of the fan. It took some effort, which including the process of him wiggling down in his seat a tad more to reach, but he managed to slowly drag the device towards himself and then used his other foot to turn it towards his body.

Now that he felt a little better, though not really because a fan did shit-all to combat the heat, he brought his phone up to a comfortable distance from his face and tapped the app he had been itching to check. Yoongi let out a yawn as he navigated to his page, checking to see if the ‘help me’ post he had made gained any notes. He didn’t know why he expected anything but a blank space sitting where notes should be, but his stomach fell a little upon the sight of it. He was truly backed in a corner, feeling the extreme need to find this blog but realising as more time went on that it might as well have been impossible, especially without the help of the three he didn’t want to ask.

He bit his lip, trying to take his mind off of the lack of notes and tapped the little person icon at the top. He wasn’t sure why he did, it wasn’t like he knew what he was doing, but he supposed this was better than staring at a post without notes. His brow rose curiously upon realising he had a message in his inbox and a little flutter of hope sprang forth when it occurred to him that it was maybe someone trying to help him locate the blog. He quickly went to his inbox, as fast as his phone would load, and then looked at the message.

Anonymous said to trying-to-find-your-blog:

Try using the search function sweetheart. :)

He paused after struggling to read through it and then sat there for a few minutes staring at the wall as he thought it over. What the hell did function mean? And what did ‘search’ mean? Was it another word for ‘find?’ After a second, he copied the text and brought it into google translate, narrowing his eyes a little suspiciously at the emoji because a part of him felt like he was being trolled. But he didn’t really have much else to go on either; it wasn’t like anyone else had reached out to him.

Right when he went to return to Tumblr he heard them. A second later, the door swung open and the younger guys of the group rambunctiously filtered into the room. Jimin lightly hit at Kookie’s shoulder, scolding him in a hushed tone while Taehyung held his face and chuckled to himself.

“You almost got us caught with Hyung!” Jimin said in a sharp tone, but his words failed to come across as serious, especially because he couldn’t stop giggling between them. He softly hit at Jungkook’s chest again, shaking his head.

“I didn’t know he’d be right there!” Kookie said back, his tone almost sounding offended. “Besides, it was you and Tae who got us all in trouble last time.”

Yoongi tensed for a long time as he waited for them to do something other than standing around right where he was sitting. He didn’t realise he was holding his breath until his lungs ached in protest and then he slowly exhaled. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement and had to resist the urge to look that way as Jungkook made his way to sit on the couch, Taehyung a few paces behind. Figuring Jimin was following suit, and knowing that when he passed him his phone would be out of his line of sight, Yoongi went back to what he was doing.  He touched the little magnifying glass and then typed some words into the search, hoping to god he might find what he was looking for.

His eyes settled both everywhere and also nowhere at once. There was too much information to take in, a bunch of little pictures and blog refs appearing as the results for his gaze to feast on. When his eyes finally did focus in on something, he could have choked.

Less than appropriate pictures had appeared but instead of doing anything to handle the situation, Yoongi ended up sitting there for a solid minute feeling like his soul was trying to escape his body. He hadn’t put any particular words into the search that should have brought up porn and yet there it was, right in front of him. If he had been alone, he supposed he wouldn’t be as affected as he was, but there was something about being in a room full of people and stumbling upon this that was extremely embarrassing.

“Hyung, what are you looking at~?”

If he could just slide out of the chair and lay on the floor he would. He would lay there until they all left and then probably lay there some more after. Yoongi could do it, all it took was shifting his body weight, but then he would just look even guiltier. He was fairly sure everyone was onto how weird he was acting lately and he didn’t need one more thing to be tacked onto that list. If he had only waited until he was sure Jimin had passed him, this wouldn’t be happening and could return to being embarrassed by himself.

The distinct sound of Jimin’s giggle flooded into his ears and Yoongi was torn between the extreme need to push the younger boy away by his face and the will to ignore him and pretend he hadn’t heard the confrontation. But there was just something about Jimin’s tone that made him sigh. He could practically hear the stupid grin on his face and he knew that no matter what he did, this problem simply wasn’t going to go away on its own.

“If I knew this is what you wanted Tumblr for, I wouldn’t have said anything~”  

It was then that he lost his patience. Maybe it was the further comment on the matter, maybe it was the fact that he couldn’t face the embarrassment anymore or perhaps it was simply because it was Park Jimin doing the teasing. Whatever it was, it made Yoongi turn to the other boy, mustering his best bitch face, to stare at him with until Jimin’s smile began to falter just a little. Jimin began to nervously giggle, making it clear to Yoongi that he knew he was irritated. Yoongi reached for his face, pushing him away while rolling his eyes.

“Go sit down, kid.”

Jimin’s giggles began to get louder again as he stumbled towards the others, pretending like Yoongi had pushed at him harder than he actually had, while he fell down on the couch between Kookie and Taehyung. He leaned his head on Taehyung’s shoulder, his laugh becoming squeaky-like, until he could compose himself. Once he did, he sat back up and resumed conversation with the other two, all the while occasionally making eye-contact and suggestive faces at Yoongi. It took all of his willpower to restrain himself from throwing something at him and that wasn’t because there wasn’t much of anything to throw in the first place.  

Yoongi shut down the Tumblr app, locked his phone and then stood to his feet, thankful to be out of the chair now that he was standing. Despite having turned the fan onto himself, his back felt slightly damp and it was beyond slight discomfort at this point. The coziness of the chair didn’t hold up against the gross feeling of his skin sticking to things or the embarrassment of Jimin catching him accidentally looking at porn and he was sure there wasn’t much more of a reason to stay in the room any longer with them. In all honestly, clearing his head was probably a better idea.

He glanced towards Jimin and stepped forwards, pushing at his head lightly again before he turned and made his way out of the room. It was way too hot out to deal with the embarrassment and teasing. As far as Yoongi was concerned, he was going to find a nice shady and cool spot in the building and then take a nap there. Someone else could worry about locating him where he slept.

He just wished he could say he was a step closer to finding the pink blog but was left, once again, at square one.

Chapter Text

They were due to return to Korea tomorrow and he had one more night of rest before the flight. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe it was the nagging knowledge that his phone was sitting on the bedside next to him, but Yoongi could not fall asleep no matter how tightly he shut his eyes. Instead of doing anything productive, he just ended up repeatedly turning onto his sides until he gave up and laid on his back, sighing in irritation. It didn’t help that he was sharing a bed with Jimin and he might as well have been taking up enough space on his own for two people.

He had been plagued with sleepless nights before but this was becoming more frequent and just physically exhausting. To top it off, the temporary insomnia wasn’t impacting him as it usually was; he wasn’t at a point where he felt tired and couldn’t sleep. If anything, Yoongi felt anxious and alert. He felt as far from sleep as possible. They were the kind of nerves that someone got the day before something big was going to happen. The feeling was a bubbling kind of eagerness and impatience that boiled inside of his gut without rest, threatening to spill over. He felt on edge, tense, and excited all the while being unable to think about anything else than his phone, Tumblr, and the pink blog.

When he thought of finding the blog again, the feeling spiked, making butterflies spill into his stomach. It was an odd kind of nervousness, almost like a promised certainty he could feel. Despite all of the issues he had faced thus far while trying to locate the blog in question, somewhere inside he was utterly positive that he was going to find it and then…and then what?

He didn’t really know what came after finding the blog; Yoongi supposed it would be the end of his curiosity and he could go back to living his life as he normally did. However, his gut told him otherwise. He just had this strange feeling about the whole situation, something he couldn’t quite shake. It was like he was staring at something he had sworn he had seen before but couldn’t place, so it was driving him insane. Everything just felt familiar and tingly to him.

Yoongi looked towards his phone, letting his eyes linger there while he thought about trying to go to sleep again. The soft reflection of the moonlight shining through the window reflected off the edge of the inky black case of his phone despite the rest of its body hiding amongst the gloom of the night. The light captured his dark gaze and, for a moment, he concentrated on the feeling of yearning inside while he focused on it. Once that moment passed, he reached for his phone and thumbed the button on the side, wincing at the intrusion of light as it came to life.

Once he had checked to see if Jimin was still sleeping softly next to him and hadn’t been woken up with the sudden light, he laid back down on the bed again, pillow rising on both sides of his head as he sunk into the mattress. He tapped on the Tumblr icon and then sighed, preparing for the inevitable frustration. Yoongi figured he was probably just ignorant when it came to technology, but he felt like no matter what he did he could never get the app to work properly and it occasionally made him want to throw his phone. From things not loading to it genuinely just refusing to cooperate with what he wanted to do, he felt like there had to be something he was missing to make this all easier.

He checked to see if there were any notes on the ‘help me’ post first and, just like he expected, there were none. Next, Yoongi checked his inbox and also was greeted with a lack of anything new. He returned to his dashboard with a touch of his finger and scrolled for a little while, trying to come up with an idea about a different approach to the issue. Clearly, everything he had tried thus far wasn’t working so why not just wrack his brain some more? The only issue is that he wasn’t sure what else he could do except give himself a headache.

Jimin made a soft sound from beside him and Yoongi checked to see if he had woken up. The younger boy’s eyes were still shut and his chest was still rising and falling rhythmically. Yoongi looked at him for another moment before he turned back to his phone, going back to the frustrating world of Tumblr and trying to find a blog that might as well have been a needle in a haystack.

He ended up doing more scrolling than thinking of what he could do next, getting caught up on reading the memes and looking at the aesthetic photographs. However, it began to bother him that he was getting distracted and soon he wasn’t even truly focusing on what he was looking at, he was simply moving the page while racking his brain for an idea on what he should do next. While he considered the possibility of contacting the dorm’s internet provider and having them check the history on Jungkook’s laptop, a tag attached to one of the memes caught his eye and it inspired an idea.

# ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ  

He knew what the tag he had seen on the pink blog was, it had been practically stamped it into his memory with a red-hot branding iron. If he understood correctly, the Tumblr search system was based on finding content that had been tagged a certain way, so if Yoongi simply searched for the exact tag, the post from the blog should show up. He tried to get to the search bar faster than his fumbling thumbs would allow and ended up typing in ‘#he inspures me to tty’ which produced no search results. Yoongi took in a deep breath, trying to calm his irrationally fast beating heart and then concentrated on typing the correct English words out for the second time around. He bit his lip when he started the search, trying to ignore the tingling sensation in his fingertips as he waited for the god damned mobile app to actually load. After what seemed to take forever, there were finally results there and his eyes jumped around the screen, sticking to post to post as he scrolled.

After about two minutes, he let out a heavy sigh and lowered his phone to his lap.

While he had seen so many posts, all of them random and seeming to have nothing to do with the tag he searched, none of them were the post from the pink blog. Before he let himself feel bad about another failure that he could toss onto the growing pile, he forced himself to consider why finding the blog was important to him in the first place. It quickly became apparent to Yoongi that trying to grasp at the idea and understand it was comparable to someone rowing a boat out to the middle of a lake, sticking their arm in the water up to their shoulder and hoping to catch a fish. His reasoning was like the fish hiding amongst a massive body of water and there was no way he was going to catch it so he might as well just drift along until something happened on its own. It was better than questioning absolutely everything and making himself stress-out over something that was probably nothing more than curiosity.

Yoongi locked his phone and then set it back on the bedside. The moment he put it back, the case began reflecting the soft light of the moon outside once more, dimly shining in the murky blackness of the room. He turned on his side and fluffed the pillow, punching it a few times until it was comfortable and then set his eyes on the phone case again as he laid his head down. He stayed for like that for a few minutes, blinking slowly as he let all thoughts of the blog go for the night before he closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep once again.

…

The next morning’s ride to the airport was done in complete exhaustion on Yoongi’s part. Having not found sleep until sometime past three AM, and then needing to get up only a few hours later, really sucked whatever energy he had right out of him. He wouldn’t be surprised if someone said he looked like he rose from a grave because of the dark patches under his eyes. He certainly felt like he did.

When they got to the airport and began to wait for their flight, the result wasn’t much better than the car. The energy from the rest of the group was fairly toned down and he could have sworn that he saw Hoseok sleeping on three different occasions while they waited, which was more than Yoongi had dozed off. Everyone had been shuffling about and just trying their best to make sure that they had their passports so they could fly back home and then crawl into a bed there. Collectively, their sleeping schedules were beyond messed up from all the flying, going from time zone to time zone and he couldn’t wait to get home and correct it.

He did his best to stay up and used every trick he knew. He even got to the point where he made sure to sit in the most uncomfortable position he could think of, while still looking like a functioning and normal human being of course, as they waited for their flight. The world seemed to be working against him because even the hard plastic seats of the waiting area lulled him like a soft mattress would. Yoongi was fairly positive he must have looked insane because he kept sniffing at his coffee, hoping the aroma would keep him awake.

None of that was working so he turned to music, hoping the base charging into his ears would keep him conscious, but even that too had turned against him. He needed something to just come to him and force him to pay attention, something that would snatch his focus and refuse to let it go. Like an angel, or maybe a fucking asshole, Park Jimin came over to him and plopped into the seat next to him with a grin stretching across his lips.

Yoongi looked at him and took in his appearance for a solid three seconds before he chose to say anything. Jimin was clothed in a pair of black shorts and an off-white t-shirt that fit him loosely. Baby blue high-top converse hugged his feet and a pair of dark Ran Bay’s sat perched on the top of his head of faded red hair. Out of everyone else, he looked entirely too alert for the time of morning and it made Yoongi inherently not trust him.

“What do you want?” Yoongi asked him casually while he cracked his neck. He let a yawn filter past his lips and then readjusted himself in his seat until he was slightly more comfortable than before. If someone was going to keep him on his toes and alert after everything that had been happening lately, it was Jimin.

“I have to ask you about Tumblr,” Jimin said, keeping his voice quiet. There was still an air of mischievousness to his words, a slight teasing dripping from his tone that reminded Yoongi of the Tumblr search his groupmate had, to his misfortune, witnessed.  

Yoongi wanted to groan or perhaps get up and go to another seat to try and fight off his exhaustion by himself again. He remained calm on the outside, blowing on his coffee and then taking a small sip. Yoongi was good at a lot of things. However, acting indifferent, unfazed, and disinterested were categorised under the list of things that he was great at, along with rapping, basketball, second-hand embarrassment, and pretending to be a rock. Jimin’s sudden question made him want to roll onto the floor and then under the seats to be left alone, but Jimin didn’t need to know that if Yoongi didn't give it away.

“What about it?” Yoongi replied as he drank more coffee, resisting the urge to curse as it burned his tongue while being passed into his mouth too quickly.

“I saw you on it against last night,” Jimin said as the corners of his lips picked up into a coy smile. He leaned back in his seat, spreading his legs out to take up a more relaxed sitting position and clearly displaying he wasn’t the one who was uncomfortable with the situation.

Jimin had been sleeping next to Yoongi on the bed but he hadn’t ever realised that the other boy had woken up at one point. There was no point in denying it, not that there was any real need to; what would Jimin even tell anyone else? ‘I saw Hyung searching #he inspires me to try on Tumblr’? It wasn’t like that was the best gossip that he could possibly giggle with Taehyung about so Yoongi figured Jimin was doing the other thing he did best besides being a mischievous spirit.

“Hyung, are you looking for something on there?” Jimin asked him, curiosity obviously written out on his face.

Yoongi was faced with a choice; he could either tell Jimin the truth, and hope to recruit his help in searching for the pink blog, or he could simply tell him that he had just been bored and was trying to figure out the search system. Jimin may have been the same little shit who would sell out Taehyung in a heartbeat to save his skin when they played tricks on the hyungs but, at the end of the day, he was also a very genuine person and deeply cared for those around him. Yoongi had no doubt in his mind Jimin would help him if he expressed that he really wanted to find the blog again.

And so he did.

“Damn, it must have been at the beginning of the month now,” Yoongi spoke quietly as he scratched the back of his head. “Remember that day I took Kookie’s laptop because you three woke me up?”

“Tae, Kookie, and I…yeah, I remember,” Jimin said as he crossed his arms.

Yoongi could tell he was confused with why the conversation was starting this way by the look on his face, so he rushed to continue. “I looked at the blog you had pulled up and one of their posts caught my eye. I couldn’t read the text, but I managed to translate the tag. I really wanted to go back and read the post but Kookie deleted his browsing history…ever since then, I have been trying to track down the blog by the tag they used.”

Jimin sat there for a moment and Yoongi was sure that he was questioning his sanity but before he could question it further he held out a ring-clad hand. “Let me see your phone.”

Hesitation gripped at Yoongi and held him back while he simply stared at his friend’s hand for a few moments. When Jimin raised his eyebrow, he shook out of it and then reached into his pocket. He took the device out, unlocked it and then handed it over, watching as Jimin opened the Tumblr app without any hesitation on his part.

Jimin did something that Yoongi wasn’t really quick enough to catch and then handed the phone back to him, the app opened onto a blog that he was now apparently following. Yoongi blinked and looked at him, confusion showing in his eyes while Jimin gave him a soft smile. He leaned towards him and pointed a short finger at the blog URL, drawing Yoongi’s attention to it.  

“That’s your mystery blog,” Jimin told him with a little hint of amusement in his tone. “It’s one of Kookie’s favourites to look at…he says it helps him with his English.”

Yoongi could have sworn he felt his heart stop, or maybe that was the exhaustion he was feeling. Either way, it felt like someone had just tripped a breaker inside his chest. There was a momentary pause of feeling very little and then suddenly everything exploded back into power once more and he was overwhelmed. A part of him could hardly believe what he was staring at and another part of him was saying finally.

The blog that had eluded him for a month and made him feel like he had been going slowly mad while looking for it was finally right in front of him, brightly lit up on his screen and completely accessible. His eyes drank in every bit of information that they could perceive from the top of the page, starting with the fact that they used a picture of his face as their icon. The next thing he focused in on was the banner of pink polka dots that was displayed as their header and then he moved onto their title; Suga, Spice & Everything Nice. Lastly, his coffee-coloured eyes latched onto their URL and committed it to memory because he knew without a single doubt that he would come back.

Suga-and-spice-makes-yoongi-nice

“Thanks…” Yoongi said quietly as he looked up at Jimin. He felt like there was more he should say but no words came to his tongue so instead, he bit down on it.

The younger boy shrugged but then gave him a little grin when he established eye-contact with his warm brown eyes. “Next time, you could always just look at the blogs with us.”

Yoongi was about to push him away by the face and spend the rest of the time he had before the flight reading through the blog, but the voice of his manager stopped him in his tracks. “Get your things, we’re about to go.”

He looked down at his phone and sighed, holding his thumb over the button that would allow him to close the app. He forced himself to go through with exiting out of it when he noticed everyone around him shuffling after the manager and heading for where they would have to line up to board. Yoongi took a deep breath, trying to fight off his impatience and grabbed his things.

He had gone day to day thinking about the pink blog and trying to recall exactly what pictures of his face they had used for the sidebar. Yet, despite everything, he still didn’t have an answer as to why. All he knew for sure was that he had the URL, he was following the blog, and his hands with jittery from the impatience swirling around inside him. His stomach tingled with a stupid kind of excitement he had no right to feel and he wanted nothing more than to sit back down, open Tumblr, and learn all that he could.

Min Yoongi had waited almost a month to see this blog. He felt like all he had been doing was waiting but now there was a cap to that time and he would only have to wait another fourteen hours. He just hoped the flip-flopping sensation in his stomach would disappear before then.

Chapter Text

It had turned out to be a lot longer than fourteen hours that Yoongi had to wait to get his chance to properly sit down and browse the pink blog. When the flight landed in Seoul, they had been rushed back to the dorm and then the rest of the day had been a blur. The group had gone right into promoting schedules and then he was pushed to get ready for making his way to South America for the next stretch of the tour. By the time he had gotten home, he was so exhausted that the moment he laid his head down on his pillow, he was out cold.

When he woke up the next day, he laid in bed for some time while his eyes focused on the sky outside the window across the room. It stretched out into endless blue, like a bright cerulean ocean going as far as his eyes could possibly see. He wondered if the person who made the pink blog was looking up at the sky right now and what colour it would be for them.

Yoongi sat up and let out a tired yawn, stretching his arms upwards while hearing a soft pop somewhere between his shoulder blades. After another three minutes of just sitting there and adjusting to the morning, he got out of bed and sleepily walked to his desk. He quickly flicked his eyes to Jin’s side of the room, noticing his bed was empty and made, before he turned back to his workspace. He was about to reach for his phone when his laptop grabbed his attention instead.

He hadn’t used Tumblr on a computer since he had used Jungkook’s laptop and he remembered the blog being a lot easier to read on the computer than the ones he had viewed on his phone up until this point. He turned his attention away from his phone and opened the device instead, booting it up for the first time in what felt like weeks. He grabbed his over-ear headphones and slid them on, plugging the jack into the computer and relaxing in his chair; he figured he could at least listen to some music while he looked at the pink blog.

When he logged onto his profile, Yoongi’s eyes went for the clock first. He made a mental note that it was half-past eleven and Jin would kill him if he didn’t eat anything for lunch seeing as he had completely slept through breakfast. He flicked his gaze to the door, knowing the kitchen was less than thirty steps away but he couldn’t will himself to get up and go get food. He had waited for what felt like a year condensed into forty-eight hours to see this blog, surely food could wait a little longer.

Having made his decision, Yoongi looked back at the computer and opened the internet browser, skimming his fingers across the keys as he typed the correct letters to get him to their Tumblr blog. The first thing he saw was the sidebar made up of a collage of his selfies and other pictures of him. The next thing he noticed was the song that had begun to play in his ears. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t notice it before when he had borrowed Jungkook’s laptop and came to the conclusion that the Maknae must have hit the pause button. He looked at the name of the song and bit his lip, taking a second to read the English words.

Sweater Weather by the Neighbourhood

He let the track play, curious about their music interests and why a blog dedicated to, well him, had a song from another band playing. He continued to look around in search of clues about their identity while also hoping that his curiosity would disappear in the process. Dragging the cursor around the page, he discovered when he hovered over the sidebar, the collage faded into the background and text appeared in its place. Yoongi squinted, his eyes trying to dissect the meaning of the words written in a brutally small font.

Alex/22/Student. I like Min Yoongi. Yes, I made the shitty collage myself. #graphicdesignismypassion

He understood exactly what their description meant but was also at a complete loss for the intended humour that he was pretty sure was supposed to be there. However, what he did discern, without the need of Google Translate to aid him, was that their name was Alex, they were the same age as him and they went to school. He let his eyes linger on their name for a while before they dropped lower to see Suga, Spice & Everything Nice written in bold lettering accompanied by a smaller Always Tired™  underneath of it.

Alex. He tried the name on his tongue, like he was some snob dressed up in a suit who had just taken a sip of a tart red wine. He was savouring it, trying to see how it rolled off his tongue and if he liked the way he felt when he said it. Like a little red flag, his mind questioned why he cared about liking their name or the way that he said it. He pushed the thought away and instead focused on the next thing his eyes found on the page.

Omg Alex, what happened to your blog? 

It was an ask someone had sent them and they had replied to it pretty recently from what he could tell. He knew for sure that the first word was an abbreviation of oh my god and he also recognised the word blog but the rest was a loss on him. He was about to throw it into Google Translate when he noticed the door opening in the reflection of his laptop.

Yoongi quickly minimised the page and then turned to face Jin who had just stepped into the room. He reached up to his headphones and took the plastic in his hands before he placed them around his neck, signalling that he was listening to whatever the older of the two had to say. Jin gave him a smile and then stepped into the room he shared with him a little further.

“Have you eaten?”

Yoongi should have known he was there to make sure he had eaten something. With all the traveling they had been doing, the oldest had been getting after everyone about taking care of themselves. It wasn’t like Yoongi didn’t understand, they had just finished the American section of their tour but were not done yet; the last thing the group needed was one of them to fall ill.

He looked towards the laptop, thoughts centred on the blog and how he wanted to spend a little more time looking through it. Their name was Alex, but he wanted to know more. However, he knew that Jin wouldn’t settle for any excuse so he simply shook his head and began to get up.

“Drink water too!” Jin instructed, his tone slightly scolding as Yoongi passed.

“I will,” Yoongi told him, trying to appease him so he could slip off to the kitchen and make a sandwich in peace and then maybe sneak back to his computer to stare at the pink blog some more.

“And do not nap today,” Jin told him firmly as he turned to follow him. “You slept in and if you nap you’ll be up all night and we have important schedules to attend to.”

Yoongi let out a sigh and nodded his head. “Okay, mother.”

…

He spent the next day looking at Alex’s tags when he had the chance, knowing that later in the night they were going to make their way to the airport again. He used the tags he could actually translate on his own to try and figure out more about them. Frankly speaking, they were a mystery. Everything that could have been a piece of valuable information or even a hint was written in English. He found himself wishing his brain could have fixated itself on a blog that was at least in Korean so he could actually read through it quickly and move on with his day. However, because his irrational mind hadn’t done the convenient thing, the process felt like it was going to take a millennium.  

This time around, he decided to look with his laptop again, scrolling through their blog using the tip of his index finger against the trackpad. He found himself wondering if they were a girl or a boy as he looked through the countless pictures of his face that they had reblogged. It wasn’t that Yoongi particularly cared what gender there were, but he was simply curious about it.

He had a serious feeling that Alex was, in fact, a girl, a suspicion entirely based on the way they wrote and their love of the colour pink (not that a boy couldn’t love pink, seeing as he roomed with one who did.) He refrained from making any assumptions, especially because he wasn’t familiar enough with English to make a judgment call like that. For all that he knew they had already indicated somewhere in their tags or in their posts what their gender was but, because of the blasted language barrier, he was in the dark.

Yoongi supposed if he really wanted to know, he could always send them an ask. It wouldn’t be hard, he knew he could handle writing such a simple sentence and even if he messed up a little bit they’d probably still get the gist of what he was trying to ask them. He chewed on his lip in thought, considering the possibility but it seemed so dangerous to him.

Even though this Alex would have absolutely no way of knowing who he was, there was still the discomfort of knowing he would be reaching out and talking to a fan directly without any kind of boundaries present. Well, except for the fact that he would send the message on anonymous and they’d just think he was another random and curious person. But there was just something undeniable about the fact that if he reached out to them, he’d be crossing a line, a line drawn for a very good reason.

He didn’t need to think any more about it to know it was an extremely bad idea.

For now, he’d hang back and just observe from a distance. There really wasn’t much more that he could do anyways. Without having a better grasp on English, their communication would be limited at best and what good was using three-word sentences to ask the questions buzzing around in his mind? There was no way his limited grasp of even the basics would be sufficient enough to have any semblance of a decent conversation.

Alex and their blog was just something he would have to move past. After all, he had driven himself almost mad trying to find it for a month and now he had. He had seen the blog again and even stared at it for hours. His curiosity should have been sated.

Except that it wasn’t.

Yoongi had trouble moving past the fact that he had a deep desire to understand them and that was probably due to the fact that he couldn’t. He found himself asking so many questions that his brain actually ached in response to the activity. What was it about him that inspired them? What hardships were they facing that they had trouble getting through? Why was it that his existence on another continent made them so happy? He desperately wanted to understand why his lyrics and music meant so much to them and exactly how they had helped.

Yoongi had a feeling that until he magically understood English in complete depth, that wouldn’t happen. Oddly enough, the thought wasn’t discouraging. Instead, it caused him to scroll a little more, his eyes searching for a post and fixating on the tags that accompanied it. He chose a post made out of a string of pictures of him holding a basketball, noticing the tags attached were quite lengthy. He was curious about how much they could actually say about him with a basketball.

He bit his lip as he grabbed a piece of paper, not taking his eyes away from the screen and feeling around like a blind man for his notebook. Letting a frustrated noise pass through his lips, he tore his gaze away from the screen and located the book, grabbing for it and then reached for one of the pens that he swore he had thrown aside because it had run out of ink. He flipped open the notebook, testing the pen on a fresh piece of lined paper by scribbling back and forth on a corner of the page. When he got the ink to run, a satisfied smile picked up onto his lips and he began to copy the tags that his eyes had settled on.

#another bad night, #theyve been so frequent, #everything seems really hopeless right now, #but then I just look at him and I forget about it, #for just a couple seconds, #I mean its because his talent with bball stole my attention, #bUT IT STILL COUNTS, #i really like him, #hes cool, #suga sweet

He might not have been able to understand English on his own, but that didn’t mean he had to sit there and just accept that their words would never make sense to him. If he had to work on translating their words, tag at a time, he would. Yoongi would do it when he was between schedules or had a spare moment to himself. It made perfect sense to him, after all, he was practicing a skill he pretty much needed to function on an international level; better English never hurt anyone. He could use their tags to riddle out the answers that his mind had restlessly sought after and acquire a skill for himself at the same time.

As far as he was concerned, it was a win-win situation.  

Chapter Text

Yoongi woke up feeling like absolute shit a few days later. Maybe it was the exhaustion of going from Los Angeles to Seoul to Mexico and then onwards to Brazil in the span of five days, but he had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t. He didn’t feel exhausted, he felt sad. The ache he had become familiar with, only to be described as what he imagined a stone set inside his torso that caused him to sink to the bottom of a body of water felt like, absolutely tore through him. It was so palpably thick that it would choke him if sadness was actually something that could physically do so. He stared at his ceiling for a long while, the white expanse doing nothing to make him feel sheltered or safe from exposure.

Parting his lips, he let a sigh leave his chest but it did not relieve any of the tension he felt. His dark eyes searched for the window and then settled on the shadows creeping inside from the sill. Tearing it away from the dark sky outside, his gaze traveled to Jin’s sleeping form and observed his torso that was slightly rising and falling from beneath the thin sheet he covered himself with.

He took another second to adjust, trying to ignore the sticky atmosphere of the summer night that had swept into the room. With this heat, he’d never be able to slip back into a much-needed sleep. Yoongi pushed the sweaty bangs from his forehead and then glanced for the bedside, meeting the outline of his phone without any need to search for it. Despite his mind being awake, his body was slow and sluggish to respond, muscles in his arms crying out at the sudden movement while he reached for the device. Before he ended up grabbing it, he stretched out his hand, fingers curling inwards. After a few seconds, and sufficient stretching, he picked up his phone and then checked the time, bringing the bright screen to face him.

It was ten after two AM.

Yoongi simply sat there for a few minutes, reflecting on the sadness he felt and the ungodly fucking time. If he could kick himself for waking up at this hour when he desperately needed his rest, he would; they were going to Chile during the day and then he had a concert tomorrow. Sleep was not something he could afford to miss. When he thought about resting, he remembered that there was some allergy medication that would knock his ass out should he take it somewhere with one of the members or maybe the managers. The only thing truly stopping him from finding it was the fact that he wasn’t sure where it was and he was far too lethargic to begin looking for it.

He looked towards Jin once more before he got up and shuffled over to the cheaply made desk set up by the window of the hotel room. He tapped the space bar on the keyboard of his laptop to wake it up from its sleep as he sat down with an exhausted sigh, as if the movement from his bed to the desk had taken the last of his energy. He stared at the monitor for a long time, trying his best not to concentrate on how uncomfortably hot and stuffy it was in the room but his mind did it anyways. Because he wasn’t distracted by something better than just how hot it was, the sorrow churned inside his chest and felt so much clearer. It was sharp, like the chime of a ringing of a bell. He felt a sense of hopelessness settled deep inside his gut that mingled with an unsettling anxiety. It suddenly occurred to Yoongi that he felt afraid and had absolutely no idea why.

Yoongi was truly starting to wonder if he could be on the receiving end of someone else’s burdens because this didn’t make any fucking sense otherwise. He had low moods where he couldn’t identify the source of his misery before but this was more than just a funk he couldn't shake. Whatever he was feeling was like a response to a situation or an event…the sick kind of anxious hopelessness someone might feel after royally screwing up something important to someone they cared about. But, he hadn’t done anything like that recently. In fact, lately, things had been going really well for not just him but the rest of his groupmates too.

Shaking his blond head, he opened his notebook, desperately seeking a distraction. Yoongi opened the book right onto the page that had the tags from Alex’s blog written out onto it. Translating their sentences from English to Korean sounded like the exact kind of thing he needed to preoccupy his mind. Realising he could hardly see the writing because of how dark it was in the room, unless he held it up to the monitor’s bright light, he turned on the lamp next to his desk to aid in his vision. He reached for his glasses, bending down to his bag, which was leaning against the structure of the desk and fished them out of inside.

After he slid them into place, Yoongi turned his head to check on Jin again, not wanting to shake him from his sleep because of his own insomnia. Once he was sure he wasn’t going to wake from the intrusion of light, he turned back to the book and began to study the tags once more. He recognised words here and there, but it would take a lot more to understand what was written than being able to single out a few meanings. He drew in a deep breath and concentrated on that, doing all he could to ignore the feeling in his chest.

#another bad night, #theyve been so frequent, #everything seems really hopeless right now, #but then I just look at him and I forget about it, #for just a couple seconds, #I mean its because his talent with bball stole my attention, #bUT IT STILL COUNTS, #i really like him, #hes cool, #suga sweet

He could eye a few of them and know what they meant, like ‘#suga sweet’ and ‘#hes cool’. Those were easy to decipher, though he wasn’t quite sure what the tag with his stage name in it was for. He supposed that maybe it didn’t matter as much as the longer ones. Yoongi let out a yawn and then looked at the very first one, knowing he should go in order to make sure they made the most sense. He brought the first one into google translate, switching his keyboard over to type in English.

Google Translate told him that ‘another bad night’ translated to ‘또 다른 나쁜 밤’ in Korean. He blinked and bit his lip, his mind instantly taking off. What had made their night bad? He knew this was a few days ago, so were they okay now? A part of his brain felt like it was trying to stop his thought process with a screeching halt, concerned about the apparent worry he was showing for someone he had never even come in contact with.

The truth was that Yoongi didn’t know them whatsoever. In fact, the only things that he knew about them were their name, age, and that they were a student. It was hard to feel concerned when he couldn’t see any other indications of their existence other than the tags he had written down a couple of days ago. However, he was curious about what they were going through. It was the natural twinge of annoyance at the back of his mind, caused by knowing something was happening but not knowing the full story. Maybe he should have been concerned that he wanted to know more, but right now he didn’t necessarily care as he took the next tag and put it into the translator.

The next tag indicated that the bad nights had been happening frequently and then the one after that told him they felt hopeless. His stomach panged uncomfortably, like it had been dropped through the air and landed on the pavement in the middle of the street. There was an ache in his torso and he chose to ignore it because it was probably just his mind freaking out over nothing important. It wasn’t like he was the only one to feel like that, even if he wasn’t sure why he did. He concluded it was just him being jumpy about his weird emotions lately and then pushed it from his mind, continuing onto the next few tags.

It took him a little longer to figure the rest of their words out because they were a little more complex. However, once he understood the entire block of tags in whole, he realised that Alex was saying they were struggling lately and he was helping them. They did go on to make a lame joke that it was only his talent with basketball that made them feel slightly better, but he kind of liked that. They had a sense of humour he enjoyed; quirkiness with a bit of lame mixed into it. Normally this sort of thing would make him feel uncomfortable. There was always that skeptical voice in the back of his head that wondered how he could possibly make someone who had never met him, or even slightly interacted with him, feel better. The situation lacked a genuine connection and there was always the idea that they were delusional. While reading things like this were flattering, it always caused the red flag in the back of his mind to go up.

At the end of the day, he couldn’t be sure that Alex had not attended a concert once and seen him in person at a fan sign, though he was sure he would have seen something about it on their blog if they had gone to the US string of the Red Bullet. It was more likely than not that they had only ever seen him through videos and pictures, hardly being exposed to more than the parts of himself he laid bare for the public. He tried to be honest with his fans, but that was still vastly different than actually knowing him. There were things he wasn't comfortable giving away. But the strange thing for him was that unlike usual, he wasn’t questioning that he was helping them through a hard time. There weren’t red flags, not even a drop of cynicism.  

Yoongi just didn’t see a good enough reason for them to write these sorts of tags if they didn’t truly believe or mean what they wrote. They had no idea he was looking at it. They had no reason to lie to the people following them. So either Alex was delusional or they were telling the truth and he had undoubtedly been helping them by cheering them up when they were sad.

Something about that prospect didn’t seem so bad to him.

He had always wanted to be a musician to share his experiences and thoughts with people who were willing to listen. Whoever this person was, they were clearly doing just that. English was their native tongue and there was a giant language barrier between his thoughts and theirs, but yet they had still managed to find comfort in the lyrics that he had helped write and the music he had helped create.

Maybe he didn’t need to question their motivations or if they were actually completely well. Perhaps he just needed to focus on the fact that, suddenly, all of the time he had spent working his ass off and all the sleepless nights seemed so much more worth it than before. He had always known his music meant something to the fans, but Alex had simply underlined a fact he had known all along. Figuratively, there was a face to it now, a real person who said those things and meant it. His music was helping people and that felt really satisfying.

Yoongi craned his neck so he could turn his head and look towards Jin. The oldest was still sleeping, the soft noises of his breathing hardly louder than a whisper. He stared at him for a minute, thinking about how he’d rather not be caught going to Alex’s blog, but at this point he didn’t care. He was too curious, the feeling was bubbling up inside of his stomach and making him feel like he needed to itch at something even though the urge wasn’t to scratch at his skin. Pushing aside his notebook to make room, he navigated to Tumblr with the trackpad and keyboard, skipping right to their blog instead of going to his dash. He looked through the posts, noting that there were new ones and they had been active since he had last visited. He stared at some of the new ones curiously before moving on, realising that they had been interacting with someone they seemed to know by reblogging the same post back and forth, adding to it every time. He felt his curiosity lick at his gut again but, for now, he tore his eyes away and chose to ignore it, pushing onto the next set of tags that interested him.

This time he picked out a set from a post that was made up of close-up gifs of his face. There were eight of them in total and he found it odd that he could distinctly remember what the sceneries had looked like from the perspective of his own eyes. Looking back on it like this was a little odd, but strangely intriguing.

His eyes flicked over the tags, picking out one or two words he knew from the different statements. This was another long set of thoughts and he wondered if they would tell him as much about Alex as the last set had. Feeling eager and curious, Yoongi licked at his lips as he reached for his open notebook and a pen, briefly glancing back towards the screen as if he was afraid the page would disappear if he didn’t work quickly enough. He skimmed down to a new section on the page, pen hovering over the blank space he was prepared to start writing in as his eyes sought after the tags again. After taking in a deep breath, almost as if he was preparing himself, he began to scribble down the English.

#its so weird , #there is someone who literally lives 10000 km away, #i have never seen his face in person, #or talked to him, #hell my korean is shitty af, #but like…no one makes my soul feel lighter or more comfortable than he does, #i feel so insane, #he really inspires me, #in so many ways, #and sometimes i wish i could just tell him how thankful i am to be alive at the same time as him, #because its truly something amazing

Chapter Text

Translating Alex’s tags had only made the curiosity Yoongi felt so much worse. With every set, he learned a little more about them, but it never felt like enough. He kept coming back and looking for more. He supposed it could be compared to a drug addiction, but he didn’t want to classify it as such because that made it sound so much more serious than it actually was. It was simply a healthy curiosity and nothing more. At least, that is what he told himself to make it easier to sleep at night.

It was August now and the group had just gotten back from Thailand. He was still unsure of Alex's gender, mainly because neither they, nor their friend named Jess, talked about it. There wasn’t a single mention of it or even a slip-up. However, it wasn’t like he would just stop coming to the blog if they were a certain gender. He was just curious what they identified as and felt like it was one more thing he could learn about them.

Today was another studio day, but this time he was with Namjoon. They would often work together like this, both of them huddled in the same small space and working on a track. They’d take turns; Namjoon would tweak and adjust the beats to his liking and then he would get up from the computer and sit on the small couch while Yoongi took his former place and listened to the changes. Yoongi would then make his own adjustments, sometimes layering in another beat he thought would mix in really well. Together, they would get a base down and then send it off to their manager, to be sent to the producers they worked with so they could add their own adjustments. By the time the song was finished, the track was usually vastly different than it was in the beginning, but Yoongi didn’t mind that. It was a natural part of the process and having the finished product felt so satisfying. Yoongi was helping Namjoon to learn how to produce and while there had been quite a few arguments, they seemed to finally find some middle ground that worked.

Currently, it was Namjoon’s turn and Yoongi sat on the couch, writing lyrics in a little notebook that was laid out on the coffee table while he leaned over it. The air in the studio was stale and contained a dryness that had Yoongi constantly licking at his lips to return moisture to them. It wasn’t particularly hot in the studio, since the company kept the building cool, but he had a feeling the process had sucked all the humidity out of the air. Soon, he found himself focusing more on the little splits that were developing in the crevices of his lips rather than the words he was supposed to be writing down.

Yoongi let out a soft sigh and then sat up straight, turning his head to do a quick sweep of the room for his bag where his chapstick was stored. He twisted his body and looked over the arm of the couch, finding it on the floor next to it like he suspected he would. Grabbing it, he returned to a comfortable position and then reached inside for the little bag he needed, taking out the moisturizer from inside. After he applied it, he went to return the stick and then spotted his phone lying among the items.

Chewing on his bottom lip, Yoongi contemplated how much work he had already gotten finished. His mind felt in need a break, thoughts loose and weighed down. His dark eyes traveled to the book he had been writing lyrics in, seeing he was hardly further than a verse. He knew he should return to it, but he also knew his mind would be utterly unwilling to cooperate. Yoongi took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, having made his decision and reached into his bag for his phone.

Alex hadn’t updated their blog yet. A part of him pointed out that it should have been a sign to return to work, but instead he decided to scroll through the posts he had already seen, puzzling over tags he hadn’t necessarily paid attention to yet. With all the translation he had been doing, he realised he was beginning to recognise more words but it didn’t feel like enough. At this point, he knew what he wanted was to be able to just read through their words with ease and understand without any language barrier present.  

As he scrolled through, waiting for Namjoon to finish his work, Yoongi found the post with the tag that originally got him into this mess attached to it. He stared at it curiously, tired eyes scanning the block of English text for some clue as to what it was about. Just like before, he spotted his name at the top of the writing and knew that he was the topic of the post. The only difference between then and now was that he was interested in what Alex had to say and hoped that maybe somewhere in the paragraph they indicated why he inspired them so much.

Yoongi is the one person on this planet I look at and really admire, like true and honest admiration. He is such a good and genuine person, it shines through it everything he does and you can see it. He gives us a much deeper understanding of his mind with his lyrics and I could never thank him enough. He does so much and honestly no one in this entire universe has made me feel the way he does. He makes me a little less afraid of my future just by showing me he could get to his and it wasn’t necessarily laid out in front of him to collect with a silver spoon.

Yoongi knew that the block of text was too big to put in the translator. While he could always translate it a sentence at a time to keep it cleaner, that seemed like so much work and he might miss some of the contexts that the paragraph held by doing so. He bit his bottom lip as he looked around the room, trying to think of exactly what he could do to figure out the meaning on his own.

There was a small stack of books on the floor that caught his eye, piled up next to the desk Namjoon worked at. One of them was a Korean-to-English dictionary, but Yoongi knew he’d be hopeless trying to use it. Next his eyes settled onto Namjoon and it occurred to him that he literally had a translator right in the room with him. The only thing was that he was unsure of how to ask him without the paragraph in question seeming weird. While Yoongi was not sure what it said, he didn’t want to risk it was something weird and then end up having to explain the situation to Namjoon after asking; however, at the same time, really wanted to understand Alex.

After thinking it through a little more, his eyes glued to the ceiling above him while he licked his lips absentmindedly, the answer seemed really simple to him. Namjoon could speak and read English fluently; the only thing Yoongi had to do was divert his suspicions away from him. He looked down at his phone again and blinked a couple of times, noticing the only indication of his identity was his name at the top. If he simply changed that, then Namjoon could read and tell him what it was about without asking any direct questions about why Yoongi was reading things about himself online.

It was perfect.

For a moment it occurred to him that, out of everyone, Namjoon would most likely understand how he had found a post about himself and why he was curious about it. While he was sure his friend wouldn’t think much of it, Yoongi felt like he didn’t even know what the fuck was going on and felt uncomfortable with the prospect of trying to explain himself when he didn’t have an explanation. It just seemed like a bad idea when they were in the midst of a comeback to make any of them worry about his mental health.

Right when he began to think about changing the name, the notification sound dinged from his phone and Yoongi found himself instinctively looking down at it. A message from that Princess Dude had appeared in the popup notifications. He had always been rather proud of thinking up that contact name on his own for Seokjin, and he had a feeling he should check it. Expecting some kind of news or an update to their schedule that Jin was just passing on, Yoongi didn’t even think that he might be greeted with a picture of a rare Mario figure and a message that said ‘if you really love me this will be my birthday present.’

He snorted and rolled his eyes, the fluorescents on the ceiling making them more black than brown. Yoongi was about to return to the Tumblr app and continue to try and rack his brain enough to come up with a name when he suddenly realised he was staring at his replacement. Mario was a well-known character, surely anything a fan could write about him they could also write about the fictional plumber who kicked turtles and it wouldn’t be too weird.

Feeling assured that it wasn’t the worst plan, though it certainly wasn’t the best, he began to write down the post in his notebook and replace his name with Mario while he licked at his lips to stop them from splitting. Even if it didn’t link up, he could just tell his friend that he had stumbled upon it on the internet and was working on his English, however it was too complicated to translate. If it was weird he could pretend like he had gotten that impression but thought his translating skills were wrong and sought help. Any way that he looked at it, Yoongi was pretty sure that his plan would go smoothly.

When he finished copying down all of the English text, he began to go through it to make sure he had written it all down correctly; however, when he got a quarter of the way through Yoongi decided it was too much effort. Namjoon would get the gist of the paragraph even if he had forgotten a letter, or even a word, here or there. After all, his friend was very smart.

Yoongi slowly stood to his feet, taking his time with the process and then stretched out before making his way over to Namjoon. He tapped on his shoulder lightly while his eyes drifted to the monitor that displayed the track he was working on. He looked back towards his friend when he removed the large headphones placed over his ears and looked up, giving Yoongi his attention.

“Can you tell me what this says?” Yoongi asked him as he held out the piece of paper in his hand, almost like he was trying to pass a note in class and not get caught. “I was trying to translate it but I can’t make sense of it…”

Upon reading it, Namjoon pulled his brows together and tilted his head slightly. He scratched the side of his head and then blinked a few times before his eyes jerked back up to the top of the paragraph, rereading it. His face gave away his confusion and slight judgment without even having to be read; it was plastered there as clear as day and it was in that exact moment that Yoongi knew this exchange was not going to go smoothly.

“Why are you trying to translate a paragraph about Mario being a…” Namjoon stopped speaking to look back down at the page, raising his eyebrow as he found the section he was looking for, “…‘good and genuine person’?”

“I don’t know, I saw it on the internet and wanted to translate it,” Yoongi said with a shrug, keeping his face straight as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of the hoodie he wore.

“I can’t believe it is me asking you this,” Namjoon said to himself quietly as he looked away from the paper and up at Yoongi, “but where were you on the internet to come across something like this?”

Yoongi was faced with a couple of options; he could shrug and go lay on the couch face down until Namjoon stopped thinking about it and went back to work and then hope that neither of them ever thought about it again. He could lie and try to come up with something convincing or he could come out and tell his friend the truth. He knew he didn’t want to go with the option that made the most sense because he knew that, in the end, it would make him look more out of touch with reality than anything else. The last thing he wanted to do was worry any of them into thinking he had tapped out due to stress when they were in the middle of a comeback. So he did the only thing he could do.

“Jin wanted something Mario related for his birthday and I saw that as one of the comments on a different figurine. I was curious,” he shrugged and crossed his arms. “Why? How crazy is it?”

Namjoon seemed to accept his explanation, nodding a couple of times and then setting the piece of paper down on the desk. “Well, someone out there in the world loves Mario a lot.”

Yoongi twisted up his facial expression and raised his brow. “What does it say?”

Namjoon sighed and cleared his throat, obviously mentally preparing himself to have to translate it into Korean as he read it out loud. “Okay…‘Mario is the one person on this planet I look at and really admire…he is such a good and genuine person, it shines through it everything he does…” He paused and looked up at Yoongi. “I guess this first part is okay, the person just really likes Mario…but then it gets weird.”

“Weird?” Yoongi asked, trying to keep his composure.

“Yeah,” Namjoon said as he looked back down and furrowed his brow again. “‘He gives us a much deeper understanding of his mind with his lyrics and I could never thank him enough…he makes me a little less afraid of my future just by showing me he could get to his and it wasn’t necessarily laid out in front of him to collect with a silver spoon.” 

Namjoon looked up at Yoongi, his eyes honestly displaying his confusion. “Since when does Mario write lyrics?”

Yoongi shrugged and shook his head a couple of times. “I don’t know, maybe it’s in a DS game or something. Jin will know.”

Namjoon set the paper back down and shook his head. “I think we’re both better off going back to work and forgetting that someone this dedicated to Mario exists.”

Yoongi nodded in response, going along with it. After all, Namjoon had told him what the entire thing meant. He didn’t really need to push it further, especially not after it seemed like he might have avoided suspicion for the most part. He let out a sigh and pushed off the edge of the desk he had been leaning on, letting out a yawn.

“I’m almost done, we’ll switch off soon,” Namjoon said as he turned back to the screen, putting his headphones back on.

Yoongi lazily made his way back to the couch, plopping down and taking out his phone. He reopened the Tumblr app, which showed him the original post the way Alex had written it, and smiled to himself. Whoever they were, they had written a post about how they thought he was genuine and good. They said he made them less afraid of their future, which a part of him wondered how in the hell he had managed to impact someone so significantly when they were clearly far away. But he believed them and he wanted to find out more.

Biting his lip, he tapped his screen a few times and began to write a message to them to send through the instant messaging system. Yoongi just hoped he had used his limited English correctly and that they would understand him while promptly ignoring the little voice that told him it was a terrible idea.

[Sent at 4:32 PM]: Hi. I like you blog.

Chapter Text

[Sent at 4:32 PM]: Hi. I like you blog.

[Received at 12:35 AM]: Hey there. Thanks! I am sorry it’s unorganised right now, I accidentally deleted a couple months ago. ;__;

 Fuck.

Fuckk.

Fuckkk…

Yoongi really had not thought this through in the slightest. When he had sent the initial message to Alex, he didn’t even consider what would happen if they responded. Now he was at a loss for what to do, especially since he didn’t understand most of what they had sent him. He shouldn’t have jumped the gun. He should have been more careful, but more than that he should stop while he was ahead. All he had to do was just say something that would end the conversation or even not reply at all. However, before he could consider it, he began to copy the message and bringing it into Google Translate.

After all, it wouldn’t hurt him to get an idea of what they had said in response.

He realised as he stared at the Korean translation that he was already confused and at the very first part too…why were they asking him to ‘look there’? Yoongi pursed his lips and then bit the bottom one, ignoring it for now. It would probably make sense in context…or something. The sentence was by far more confusing than anything he had attempted to understand yet, but he assumed it was because they were speaking so informally. From what he had gathered, they deleted their blog a month ago, which he already knew.

Yoongi laid his head back on his pillow, trying to sink a little further into the comfort of his mattress. He should have been asleep. If he was going to stay awake, he should have been doing literally anything but this. He let out a sigh and set his phone down on the bed, knowing this whole thing was among the worst ideas that he ever had pop into his mind.

But at this point, he really didn’t care anymore.

He reached for his phone, fingers tracing along the sheets until he found it and brought it back up to his face. Yoongi swallowed the nerves that were bouncing around inside of him and tried to focus, thinking of the best thing to tell them that there would be a communication problem from the get-go. If Alex didn’t want to talk to him because of it, he would move on.

[Sent at 12:40 AM]: it ok. sorry, my english bad.

Yoongi drew in a deep breath, dry air tickling at his throat. He set the device down and reached for the bottle of water by his bedside, resenting the heat and everything else that came with it. It was approaching the middle of August, so the summer weather was still stubbornly clinging to the city of Seoul. In fact, Yoongi knew that the weather wouldn’t begin to cool off until late September, which was something he was looking forward too. He preferred being cold rather than too hot. He was tired of not sleeping right due to the heat.  

He looked around the room, trying to occupy himself. The space that he shared with Jin was rather bare, only having a few touches here or there that made it feel more personal. On his side of the room, Jin had his TV, Wii, and Mario figures set up on a little shelf, along with all of his games. Other than the pink blanket he covered himself with, nothing else made the room particularly feel like Jin.

Yoongi’s side was worse. The things that made it his space were harder to find, no figures or special blankets in sight. Instead, the things that hinted at his presence were the crumpled pieces of paper scattered by the trash can next to his desk and the small bookcase that had piles of CDs stacked on it, many of them untitled and laid in blank cases. They were obsolete now, most of his music transferred onto the laptop that sat on his desk, power button pulsing dimly as it hibernated. He had never been someone to overly personalise his space. He never had that kind of time to himself.  

When he heard the quiet ding from his phone, he lowered the water bottle from his mouth. Without looking, he felt his way to the bedside table with the bottle and then settled it back there. After, he reaches with his free hand for his phone. Yoongi drew a deep breath into his lungs, holding it there while he bit his lip and brought the screen to his eyes.

[Received at 12:43 AM]: That’s alright! It doesn’t seem that bad, but I understood. ^_^

[Received at 12:43 AM]: What language do you speak natively, if you don’t mind me asking?

Yoongi looked towards the bed Jin occupied, seeing that he wasn’t asleep yet. Jin was lying on his stomach, facing away from Yoongi, and watching some animated movie on his tablet with his headphones plugged in. At least he didn’t have to worry that the sound from his phone would wake the older boy from his sleep but it made him a little apprehensive anyways.

Looking back at the screen again, Yoongi chewed on his bottom lip as he tried to see if he could understand any parts of their messages without the assistance of a translator. The most he had figured out on his own was them telling him that it was alright that his English was absolute shit. Otherwise, the rest was a complete loss to him.

After translating it, he sat there for a moment with his eyes closed. If Jin looked at him right then, it might look like he was asleep, laying on his side with his phone clutched between his two hands. Yoongi was sure if he stuck to the most basic of basic English, he could manage a small conversation with Alex.

[Sent at 12:47 AM]: i not mind. korean.

Yoongi nodded to himself once he sent the message, reminding himself that if he kept it simple, then it wouldn’t be a problem. Poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue, he thought about exactly how he was going to communicate that fact with them. His knowledge of English was nowhere advanced enough for him to be able to let them know he was only capable of very simplistic conversation. Letting out a heavy sigh, he turned so his back was facing Jin and frowned, his mind contemplating the realism of being able to keep a conversation with them flowing. He knew this was stupid, every part of his mind was screaming it at him but he wasn’t acting from a place centred in logic. Everything he was doing was based on impulse and he had a rather overbearing feeling that it was stupidly reckless of him.

[Received at 12:53 AM]: 저는 한국말을 조금만 해요.

He could have choked as he reread the sentence, realising that Alex had told him that they spoke a little bit of Korean.

A part of him wondered if maybe they were in the same situation he was; for all he knew, it could have been that they could speak in the most basic of sentences to communicate. In the end, the important thing was that now he knew there was a two-way connection. He could try to send what he wanted to say to them in Korean if he was struggling with communication in English and then maybe they could do what he had been doing this whole time with their tags. Suddenly, this whole situation didn’t seem so hopeless even though the discovery was something rather small. Baby steps were possible. Even if both of their sentences were grammatically incorrect, they would probably get the gist of what they were trying to say to each other and that made the prospect of talking to them seem so much more possible. It might be rough at first, but with time they could build better communication.

Before he could think any more about talking to them, he shut down his thought process with a screeching halt as his stomach dropped painfully. Yoongi knew he shouldn’t be doing this. The whole situation was dangerous, not just for him but for everyone. He didn’t know this person at all. He had no idea what they were truly like; sure their tags and initial messages made them seem relatively harmless, but everyone put up a front at first. This person could very well be crazy, they could try to stalk him, they could cause a scandal.

His body flooded with intense distrust, his thoughts reminding in whispers about how certain fans could get. Yoongi knew that there was a good reason there was always a wall between the fans and the artist, even if his group tried to keep their wall relatively thin. There was a reason they didn’t do things like this and yet, he was moving his thumbs across the keyboard, typing out a response.

[Sent at 12:57 AM]: how you learn?

Yoongi had a feeling he knew. They had probably taken interest after getting into KPOP music and now they were learning. However, they would probably abandon it when they grew out of the phase. He knew it was cynical of him, but it was pretty obvious considering Alex ran a blog with his face plastered on it and seemed to have a deep appreciation for BTS.

[Received at 12:57 AM]: It’s a long story. -__-

[Received at 12:59 AM]: I have always wanted to be a teacher, I really like learning languages and I want to travel to new places…plus, I like KPOP. Korean seemed to be a good starting place. Hehe.

He was about to dump everything in the translator when he noticed Jin stirring out of the corner of his eye. Yoongi stopped what he was doing, observing his friend as he slid his tablet onto the bedside table. When Jin turned to look at him, he knew that he was going to tell him he needed to sleep.

“I know,” he told him as he laid back again, settling into his mattress. “Going to sleep.”

“We have practice tomorrow,” Jin reminded him as he got up and headed towards the door, probably going to use the washroom if Yoongi assumed correctly.

Yoongi only nodded and brought his phone back up to his eyesight. He bit his lip, using the translator quickly to figure out how to say something and then returned to Tumblr. He read over his reply twice before sending it, hoping that they would understand his intention.

[Sent at 1:02 AM]: i sleep now. read tomorrow. bye.

[Received at 1:02 AM]: Okay! Sleep well. Goodnight~

Yoongi let out a long yawn, really feeling the sleep coming on. It was pulling at him, offering a familiar darkness that made his limbs feel weighted. If he closed his eyes and let himself begin to drift off, he was sure he would get to the point where he couldn’t quite feel his body anymore, just before sleep came. He shimmied to get comfortable and had just let out a sigh right when the ping from his phone went off. He brought it back to his face, reading the message.

[Received at 1:07 AM]: By the way, my name is Alex. It’s nice to meet you. ^_^

He set his head on the pillow and let a soft groan leave his chest, faced with another piece of evidence that just showed him exactly how much he had not thought messaging them through. He couldn’t go by his actual name, because more than them not believing him they would think that they had been trolled. The thought of upsetting them like that didn’t appeal to him, especially knowing they thought so highly of him based on their posts; after all, their tags were what had spurred him to send them a message in the first place.

Yoongi couldn’t go by Suga for all the same reasons that he couldn’t go by his own name. When he really thought through this situation and the idea of talking to them, he did not want them to know he was associated with BTS at all. He definitely didn’t want them to know who he was. He was still contemplating over how stupid he was for actually engaging in a conversation with them in the first place. If he was smart, he knew he’d turn off his phone and give into the soft lull of his pillow.

He looked up when Jin returned to the room and took his friend’s presence as a sign to actually get off his phone. He looked over the message from Alex once more, feeling the urge to come up with something for them to call him and squashing it down. After he closed the Tumblr app, he put his phone on the bedside and hooked the cord to charge it into the base, locking the device and turning away from the headache that it would inevitably cause.

Yoongi looked up at the ceiling, watching the fan turn slowly as his skin tingled in the uncomfortable heat. He focused on the fan, counting how many times it spun around while following it with his eyes, willing himself to succumb to how exhausted he truly was. As he lied there, waiting for the darkness of falling into unconsciousness to take over, he made the decision that he would not message Alex again. It was too dangerous and he was not willing to risk everything he had worked to achieve just to sate his curiosity.

As he fell asleep, the last thing he remembered feeling was a pang of discomfort in his chest.

Chapter Text

Yoongi had spent the entire month following Alex’s blog closely but had not spoken to them again since he had recklessly sent the first message. Being on tour and traveling around South America, as well as a few places in Asia, had sucked the energy out of him. He had spent more time catching up on sleep than worrying about the pink blog. Not to mention, there was the fact that he had promised himself he wouldn’t message them again. Even now that he was in Korea and things had settled just a little bit.

The thought honestly threw his emotions off every time it crossed his mind; it wasn’t that he was sad, but rather it was like a wave of discontent washed through his body whenever he told himself not to be stupid. At the end of the day, no matter how weird he felt about sitting back and just watching from the side, he knew that if he spoke to them again he would be crossing a line. Yoongi would remind himself the line had been drawn for a reason and then he would usually avoid Alex’s blog for the rest of the day, that is, until he grew curious again.

Now that the Red Bullet tour was over and September was just around the corner, he had a little more free time, if he could really call it that. It was more like he had simply shifted focus. Now instead of spending a good majority of his time in a shuttle or plane, he spent it in the studio. He remained busy, but it wasn’t in the same way as before. However, it did give him little bits of time in between schedules, studio sessions, meals, and sleep to check Alex’s blog.

He wasn’t sure why he kept coming back. Their tags were always either them frankly fangirling/boying over him in a very laid back and chill kind of way or just general thoughts and observations about whatever they were reblogging. However, once he translated what they had to say it wasn’t ever boring to read their thoughts. It felt a little like their tags were like a direct window into their mind, as if they had typed down whatever came to the surface while looking at the post they attached them to. He liked that kind of undisguised honesty.

Yoongi found himself drawn to their personality and their lame sense of humour. In general, he found himself smiling at their words, even if they weren’t trying to be funny, and felt contented while reading their thoughts. There was a certain kind of peacefulness to their blog and maybe that was why he wanted to talk with them so much because he felt relaxed while there. It was a welcomed break from how stressed and tense he normally felt, even if sometimes he only got to gaze at it for a few minutes during the day.

Yoongi had just come back to the dorm from the studio and unlike most days, no one was there already. Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok were at an extra dance practice, Jin was working out and he wasn’t sure where the other two were. When he looked around the open concept first floor, after taking off his shoes, he registered how quiet it was inside without everyone else making noise. He felt oddly out of place, like he shouldn’t have been there yet, and had the overwhelming urge to put his shoes back on and come back later.

He let out a sigh and closed the door, walking further into the apartment and glancing around lazily. The living area was tidier than normal, blankets folded up on the couches and pillows placed at the arms. The magazines that usually littered the coffee table were absent and the remotes for the TV and sound system were set there instead.

Yoongi turned his attention to the kitchen and walked to the fridge, reading the little notes left there and the times everyone was supposed to be coming back. From what he could tell, it looked like he would be the only one there until later in the evening, except for Tae. His whereabouts were unaccounted for and he had also apparently forgotten to write down when he was coming back.

Licking at his lips to try and stop the chapping, he glanced around the counter for something to eat. His eyes landed on a tupperware container stacked with red-bean buns that he had a suspicious feeling belonged to Jin. Yoongi swiped a couple from inside, biting down onto one with his mouth before he grabbed a bottle of water and then made his way to his room.

He sat down in his computer chair, setting the second bun down on his desk along with his bottle of water while he booted up his computer. Yoongi knew he had a few hours until the others would return and knew without a doubt he wasn’t going to spend his time watching porn (unlike what a normal young adult would do.) He typed in Alex’s URL from memory and watched as the page loaded after he hit enter, planning to translate some tags and then maybe take a nap.

Yoongi chewed on the bun, grabbing the end of it with his hand so it didn’t just fall to his desk when he began to eat it. There was a lot of new content on the pink blog and he almost treated their new posts like they were spoilers; he kept his eyes glued firmly to the bottom of the page as he quickly tried to find the section he had seen last despite the fact that he couldn’t comprehend what their tags meant even if he wanted to.

He first worked on translating the actual post, which seemed to be some vague conspiracy about the government making people do their homework, and then sat there baffled for a few minutes as he tried to figure out the context of the sentence. It occurred to Yoongi that it was probably meant in humour and then he moved on to reading Alex’s tags, curious about what they had to say and why they were reblogging something like this.

#omg its me, #lol, #but for real this is actually me, #fuck school, #*prepares for another year of university*, #UGH, #why does the education system have to be such garbage?

It didn’t take him that long to translate their tags, but it took him ages to understand what they meant. He had a feeling this was one of the many cases of them using slang that just didn’t translate well into Korean. He took some satisfaction knowing the second half made much more sense to him despite the fact that he spent an embarrassingly long amount of time trying to figure out what ‘ugh’ was an abbreviation for before he realised it was an onomatopoeia.

Once he had a grasp on the fact they thought their education system was awful, he found his curiosity was worse than it was before he knew what their tags said. Yoongi wanted to know why they thought that and why they were going back for more even though it was something they recognised. He didn’t know much about Alex, but this seemed to be a good starting point. Before he even really registered what he was doing, he went to his dash, opened the chat he had left untouched for weeks and began to type a message.  

[Sent at 4:26 PM:] why you hate school?

While Yoongi sat back and waited for a response, he wondered about the decision to message them, considering he was in the same position as he was a couple of weeks ago. He knew it wasn’t a good idea but he tried to push that nagging worry down and instead focused on if they’d even be up right now. Not knowing their time zone made it pretty much impossible for him to know.

[Received at 4:28 PM:] Hey there. ^_^

[Received at 4:28 PM]: Hmm…it’s a really long story. The education system here is flawed, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I really love learning, I just don’t care for the institution.

Yoongi had to remind himself to stay calm when he looked at the sentences Alex had sent through and resisted the urge to lay his head on the desk. Progression felt very far from his grasp and he was beginning to feel particularly frustrated with his rate of learning. Despite how much effort he had been putting into trying to expand his English vocabulary, he wasn’t retaining the new information. He had a nagging feeling that if he wanted to learn English more fluently he would have to do it properly with a tutor, or at least ask Namjoon for lessons.

With a sigh, as if the effort was truly inconveniencing him and draining away his energy, he copied the text, switched tabs, and then dumped it into the translator he had open. For the next few minutes, he worked on forming his reply, finding the correct verb in English and then trying his best to construct a sentence. Having some of the very basics of grammar down helped him, but Yoongi knew if he wanted this to go further he was going to have to put more effort into it.

[Sent at 4:33 PM]: why you stay?

[Received at 4:34 PM]: In school?  

[Sent at 4:34 PM]: yes

[Received at 4:35 PM]: Because I have already completed three years…stopping now would just make that a giant waste of time. Might as well finish what I started, you know? At least I will be able to do something with the degree and work in the field I want, even if it sucks right now.

It took him a few minutes to translate their sentences, but what took him the longest was considering their words and the underlying meaning. First and foremost, their attitude made a lot of sense to him. He was no stranger with struggling through a shitty situation to achieve something greater. There were times he had practically lived under the concept that it would be worth it later on. Despite the fact that they spoke English and he spoke Korean, in that moment he felt like he might have understood them, just a little bit.

[Received at 4:40 PM]: I guess what I worry about most is that this environment that I hate might not be just the institution of education…what if this is just the way society functions? I guess I worry that I am going to get out of school, expect the work environment to be different once I find a job and then be disappointed because it’s all the same bullshit. Maybe it’s just people and the ridiculous environments that we build that I hate. :/

[Received at 4:43 PM]: Uh…that was embarrassing, you can ignore that. Hehe.

[Received at 4:43 PM]: I overshared a little bit there. I tend to talk a lot about stuff I am passionate about. Sorry about that. -_-’

Yoongi had not expected to be overwhelmed with messages and he sat there for a long time, staring at the second block of text. He tried to comprehend even though he couldn’t read the language they were typing in with enough skill to understand on his own and ended up biting his lip as he began to work on translating it too. He leaned forwards slightly as his interest began to peak, as if he could get closer to the person who had sent the messages. While it was hard for him to grasp absolutely everything, he was intrigued by their thought-process and what they worried about. He was fairly sure he understood and it made him wonder about the society he lived in and if the environment had truly changed for him or if it was just the same kind of people put in a different setting.

[Sent at 4:51 PM]: it okay. this interesting to read.

[Received at 4:52 PM]: Curiously, are you a BTS fan? Your blog is pretty much empty, so I was wondering…

Yoongi licked his lips, his stomach flipping nervously. Their question was not loaded; they were just asking how he had found their blog. They were definitely not worried that he was catfishing them. There was definitely no way they knew who he was; the possibility was incredibly unlikely. It was just a normal question and he was sure he could come up with a normal answer.

He drew in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, trying to erase the worries he felt bouncing around inside of him. If he was careful, this would not blow up.

[Sent at 4:55 PM]: i like them. i look more than blog.

He reread his answer several times, hoping it made some sense because he wasn’t sure how to properly articulate what he wanted to say. The nervous feeling didn’t subside or ease, if anything, it only grew worse. What if Alex thought he was some kind of creep? After all, they were already questioning why someone who clearly wasn’t too invested in blogging was on the website in the first place.

Yoongi took in a deep breath and reminded himself that he hadn’t exactly lied to them. While he was frankly unmotivated to update his blog every day, it didn’t stop him from enjoying scrolling through his dashboard to pass time whenever he found himself bored. As he had grown accustomed to the website and the way it worked, he realised he liked half of Tumblr. He enjoyed seeing the things other people reblogged on his dash but did not overly care about his own personal blog or its appearance. That was just a little too much effort for him to spend.

[Sent at 4:56 PM]: i a little lazy to blog.

[Received at 4:57 PM]: Hehe. I can’t blame you there. ^_^

[Received at 4:57 PM]: What’s your name?

He held his breath, his stomach twisting itself into a knot. He hadn’t thought this far ahead and he was already cursing himself for the miscalculation. What the hell was he supposed to call himself? It wasn’t like his name was uncommon or anything, but it was just too risky to give that name to Alex. They would likely feel trolled if he did tell them his actual name rather than realise who he was, but he didn’t really feel comfortable with either of those things happening.

Chewing on his lip, he tried to think up something clever. He felt like he was back at the airport again, trying to come up with a URL but this time he was utterly aware that if he took too long, it might be weird. The time limit he imposed on himself didn’t spur his mind into coming up with anything faster. Instead, it was far more like it was shrugging and saying “I don’t know man…” while doing absolutely nothing to contribute.

The other thing that was apparently identical to when he tried to change his URL was the fact that everything he came up with was fairly dumb. However, dumb or not, if he waited any longer to respond he was fairly positive it would create a very awkward environment. Yoongi knew, without a doubt, he didn’t want that. The language barrier was difficult enough on its own.

[Sent at 5:05 PM]: call me sour.

Yoongi truly thought he deserved some credit. His stage name is Suga, sugar is sweet, the opposite of sweet is sour, and therefore sour was the furthest thing away from what he would call himself on the internet. It made complete sense to him. Genius even.

[Received at 5:06 PM]: It took you that long to come up with a BTS joke? Hehe.

[Received at 5:06 PM]: I know it’s pretty obvious Yoongi is my favourite, but I’m not stupid. :P

[Received at 5:06 PM]: You don’t have to tell me your name if you’re uncomfortable with it. ^_^

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t as clever as he thought it was. Maybe it was borderline stupid, but it was all he could think of. While he was an extremely creative person, coming up with a fake name for himself to tell a person who he had never seen before, or spoken to in person, wasn’t exactly something he had planned for.

Yoongi stared at their messages, using the assistance of Google to figure out that they had teased him, and felt a pang of relief inside his gut. They didn’t suspect him of trolling nor did they guess his identity, they had only thought he was teasing them. Truly, it was an outcome he was satisfied with, even if he was back at square one and needed to come up with a name still.

He picked up the red bean bun he had been eating and took another bite, chewing it thoughtfully while he tried to think of what a suitable name would be. For some reason, he was stuck on the idea that it had to be something close to home. Giving them something completely off from who he was felt dishonest and Yoongi was very far from a dishonest person. Swallowing the bite he took, he set the bun down and began to type his next bright idea.

[Sent at 5:11 PM]: nijim…?

Okay, maybe that was worse than the first suggestion. It was beyond obvious that it was just the letters of Jimin’s name shuffled up. However, it was truly the best he could come up with while trying to push down the overwhelming urge to write something like ‘just call me genius.’

[Received at 5:12 PM]: I am truly not that gullible, but nice try. It’s Jimin mixed up.

[Received at 5:12 PM]: If you don’t feel comfortable sharing, it’s alright, we’ll work around it ^_^.

[Sent at 5:13 PM]: ok ok no more joke.

He didn’t want Alex to think he was being rude or like he didn’t want them to have something to call him; it felt like that was a sure-fire way to cut off communication with them. Yoongi finished off the bun he was eating and then took in a deep breath while he tried to think of something reasonable. He puzzled over it while he leaned back in his chair, only to be disturbed by the sound of Taehyung attempting to follow along with the rap in Cypher Part 3 again.

He wasn’t even sure when the brat got home and he was so close to getting up and knocking his fist against the wall a couple of times to shut him up so he could have the peace and quiet he needed to think. Following through with his impulses, he got up and stalked towards the wall, raising his fist until he heard Taehyung start his verse. Yoongi paused, fist held in the air as it suddenly occurred to him what the perfect name to tell Alex was.

He turned on heel, rushing back to sit in his chair, fingers shaking slightly as he typed. When he hit enter, he bit his lip and silently thanked Taehyung for his undying love of the tracks and his habit of playing them too loudly when he thought no one was home.

[Sent at 5:13 PM]: call me august.

Chapter Text

[Received at 9:00 PM]: Hey August, did you have a good day?

One month. It had been almost a month since he had started talking with Alex, who he had learned identified as a girl, and Yoongi was utterly hooked. He found himself anticipating her words, always checking around ten at night to see if she had replied to the messages he had left for her while she slept. He also checked every morning to respond to the ones she sent in return during the night. The only downsides were the difference in their time zones and the constant frustration of trying to speak with her while grappling with a huge language barrier.

He was tired of the limited conversation. Yoongi was tired of feeling like he could only ask her about her day and no further. It was so difficult to carry a conversation, on most days he felt like their talks were redundant, resetting to ‘how are you today?’ every morning and never going past the simple things they told each other about experiencing each day. He wanted to know more about her but truly didn’t know how to ask. When he did try something simple like ‘tell me about you’ it never got very far because his comprehension of English was limited and translators only did so well up until a certain point.

He felt stuck and considered that maybe this was the extent that he could communicate with Alex. This was the most he would ever get out of their interactions and it would never progress past ‘how was your day?’ Something about that was so dissatisfying, like he had done all this work only to reach this wall that was entirely too high to even considering climbing. Maybe, at the end of the day, this was for the better.

Yoongi knew he shouldn’t have been speaking to her in the first place. He knew that and yet he kept ignoring the potential consequences and did it anyway. He was breaking so many rules, even some of the ones that were finely printed onto his contract and then others that were left unspoken, but he just couldn’t convince himself to care. Talking to Alex was something he enjoyed, even though it was becoming an increasingly frustrating aspect of his life.

When he did understand, he clearly saw a person that intrigued him and was definitely worth the effort to talk to. Alex was putting herself through university for a degree that her parents wanted her to have but in contrast, she was incredibly fed up with the education system of her country. On top of school, she was adamant to work on her paintings, insisting that she would not give up the aspect of her life that she was passionate about just to spend that time studying. When he got glimpses of her through clear communication, he wanted to see more. He wanted to know her.  

That was how he found himself knocking on Namjoon’s door.

He stared at the threshold for a solid thirty seconds, eyes locked on the fading white paint that was chipping in some areas before he heard the sounds of Namjoon shuffling inside. It was then that his mind exploded with worries. What excuse would he give Namjoon? Would he believe him? What if he found out about Alex and told the manager? What if he said no? What if some aspect of English never fully clicked with Yoongi and the language barrier that separated him from deeper conversations with Alex wasn’t something that could be broken? He felt like he literally had to wrestle a gag onto his thoughts as soon as he heard the sound of the knob twisting. Yoongi hurried to make himself seem passive.

Namjoon looked at Yoongi and then opened the door further, letting him walk into the room he shared with Jungkook. Yoongi settled for sitting on Jungkook’s bed while they talked, happy that the Maknae must have been spending time with Jimin or Taehyung. Yoongi looked up when he felt Namjoon settle his dark eyes onto him and tried his best to look at ease even though he felt strangely nervous.

“Did you dislike the lyrics I gave to you?” Namjoon asked quietly, raising his eyebrow.

“What?” Yoongi asked as he furrowed his brow. “No.”

It occurred to him how strange and serious this situation must have seemed for Namjoon. Yoongi had come to him in private during the evening to talk to him and probably had seemed pretty serious due to the fact that he was trying so hard not to seem out of the norm. He couldn’t exactly blame Namjoon for expecting bad news.

“No, the lyrics were great,” Yoongi told him as he took a deep breath and leaned back slightly. “I need you to teach me English.”

“English?” Namjoon asked, narrowing his eyes slightly in confusion. “Do you mean being able to speak? On your own?”

“Yeah, I want to be able to speak English…and write it too,” Yoongi said as he nodded his head, making his request sound as casual as possible, but he recognised that his voice was a little off. It did not sound as steady as normal.

“I’ll help you, but can I ask why you suddenly want to learn?” Namjoon inquired, blinking at him. His expression completely changed, overtaken by curiosity that was much less threatening than the way his words came across.

Yoongi decided to tell the truth…but not the whole truth. He shrugged and scratched at the blonde hair on the back of his head. “I want to connect with International ARMYs too. English is the most useful language for that.”

“What about Mandarin?” Yoongi figured that Namjoon knew they already had English covered, and if they truly wanted to connect with more ARMYs they should cover a wider range of languages.

“I think Hoseok had an interest in learning Mandarin,” Yoongi replied as he yawned, trying to indicate he was tired and wanted to hurry this conversation. “I want to learn English, will you help?”

“I already said I would,” Namjoon told him as he nodded. “Okay, we’ll start learning tomorrow. But it’s not easy.”

“Believe me, I know,” Yoongi said as he nodded his head and stood up. He turned back towards Namjoon and gave him a little smile. “Thanks for this.”

Namjoon only simply nodded at him in response before he picked up a book from his bedside. As Yoongi made his way out of the room, he began reading it once more, getting absorbed in the information. The older boy shut the door and made his way back to the room he shared with Jin, sighing deeply. He wasn’t exactly expecting these lessons to be easy and he definitely wasn’t expecting to breeze through it. He just hoped with a little guidance and proper application, on top of practicing it when he talked to Alex, his English would develop quickly. That way, he could focus on what he wanted and he wouldn’t have to worry about talking in circles anymore.

…

Two weeks had passed and Yoongi’s English skills were progressing a little. He finally understood the function of some of the grammar that had eluded him and that was because Namjoon had realised that he already had a very basic understanding of the language. He had jumped right in to cover the things that Yoongi did not understand about sentence structure. It felt like his friend was handing him the puzzle pieces that he had been unable to find and now he was seeing the picture a little more clearly. Yoongi was so excited to talk to Alex, just to let her see what he had learned and wondered if maybe she would be just as eager to talk as well. Alex always seemed to be excited for him whenever he shared something positive with her, like it truly made her happy that good things were happening to him even though their knowledge of each other was limited. Yoongi couldn’t really explain why that made him smile, perhaps it was just the positivity of it.  

Halfway through his current lesson with Namjoon, Yoongi found himself stuck on the functionality of the words ‘if’ and ‘when’ in the English language, as they were used quite differently in Korean. In English, the words implied a certainty of if something would or would not happen; ‘when’ indicating it would happen while unknowing the exact time and ‘if’ indicating that something might or might not happen. In Korean, the use of both words was much more flexible and thus it was hard to wrap his mind around. Yoongi was listening to Namjoon’s third set of examples on how to use both when he began to feel…off.

It had been upwards of two weeks since he had felt this way. Sadness bubbled inside him, boiling and slowly rising until it was drowning his heart too. His hand stopped trying to translate the sentences Namjoon had given him and he sat there with a very dull look in his eyes, stomach churning. Hopeless, he felt so fucking hopeless that he could choke and Namjoon immediately noticed the change in atmosphere.

“Are you alright?” he asked him with concern showing in his eyes, setting down the pencil he had been using to writing out examples and simple sentences for Yoongi to translate.

Yoongi hurried to make something up. Anything. He was desperate to just give Namjoon something believable as an excuse because he had no idea how to even start explaining this.

“I have a headache,” Yoongi said with a sigh as he slumped in his chair slightly, running his hand through his blonde locks of hair.

Namjoon stared at him inquisitively, as if he was very aware that Yoongi's excuse was utter bullshit. Yoongi knew that it was the truth, as his friend was a hard man to fool. He let out a soft sigh, knowing that this was going to progress into a talk. While Namjoon would very well let him walk out of this room like nothing had happened if Yoongi wanted to, they both knew it wouldn’t sit well and just dissolve into awkwardness.

Yoongi’s mind took the second to remind him that if anyone would understand feeling this way, it was Namjoon. He always had an answer for these kinds of things but Yoongi wasn’t good at expressing himself in words and the challenge seemed even more daunting because he truly didn’t even know how to try. He had no reason to feel hopeless, lost, and like his heart was shriveling in his chest and yet that was exactly what he felt like. It wasn’t as if he had never felt this way before, but things had been finally becoming easier and lighter. And now this. He felt like he didn’t have justification.

Yoongi sighed and then lifted his shoulders in a small shrug. “I just feel a little off.”

“Your mood pretty much shot to zero,” Namjoon said as he raised his eyebrow.

“Stress and exhaustion,” Yoongi explained as he licked his bottom lip so it didn’t feel so dry. “I don’t know, it’s something.”

Namjoon stared at him inquisitively for a few seconds before he nodding to himself, making up his mind about something. He closed the notebook in front of him and then stood up, putting his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder and looking around the dining room as he stretched slightly. Yoongi had the distinct feeling he was trying to make light of what he heard because it was so little and hardly anything to go on. However, he was also aware Namjoon knew he tended to undersell things.

“I’ll take more studio time this week,” Namjoon told him, his voice making Yoongi feel like this truly wasn’t a difficult decision for him even though they both knew that was a lie. Ever since Namjoon had begun to learn how to compose, they split more studio time and they both knew it was draining to take up a full week. “You just focus on trying to get a little more sleep this while I do.”

“Okay,” Yoongi agreed, knowing Namjoon wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to. There was no point to dispute it.

“Go rest,” Namjoon told him as he gave him a small smile, dimples showing.

Yoongi got up and nodded as he closed the notebook he had been using. He tucked it under his arm and then put his hand on Namjoon’s shoulder before he made his way towards the room he shared with Jin, uttering a small ‘thanks’ to his friend. When he got inside, he found Jin playing Mario Kart, relaxing a little in his spare time.

Yoongi set the book down on his desk and then laid in bed, taking out his phone. He was going to rest, but first, he would check Alex’s blog and see what she had been up to before she had gone to bed. It was his routine, he always checked to see what she had reblogged before she went to bed and he did his best to read some of her tags.

There were two new posts, which was a little usual for Alex. Usually there were five to ten new things to look at. The first post expressed how much she had loved his pink hair and was a compilation of nine pictures of him with it. He looked at the tags and smiled to himself when he recognised some of the grammar and what is meant when applied to certain words.

#i cry, #i want this back so badly, #it was so fucking cute omg, #like i CANNOT, #it’s one of my favourite colours on him, #and it made me feel so confident in a weird way, #like i saw it and i was like if yoongi can dye his entire head pink, #i can get the blue peekaboo highlights i want, #AND I DID IT, #they’re gone now though :/, #got rid of them awhile ago, #but yes, #please bring back pink, #i would die of happiness  

It took him awhile to translate it on his phone alone but it made him smile because of something important to him; he had inspired her to try something she had always wanted to do and helped her feel more confident. He felt pride swell up and it was nice to have a momentary relief of the sadness that lingered underneath it. While he loved rapping and performing to the point where it had become instinct, like breathing, a part of him had always wanted to help people believe in themselves as well. Seeing that in real life, reading the honest words of a fan at a personal level, meant so much to him.

When his eyes found the next post and the tags he started translated them with eagerness because it was another post about his pink hair. He expected to find more stories about dying her hair, maybe a mishap or two and not something as serious as he did. As he began to understand the gist of the text and what it meant, he frowned and the sorrow inside him swirled.

#okay i know i just reblogged pink yoongi like yesterday , #but i needed this, #i have truly had a shit day, #i just feel so broken, #and like i dont matter, #every fucking day i think about how five years meant absolutely nothing, #and it hurts so badly, #i spent half a decade of my life loving her, #and she, #she apparently didnt love me enough not to cheat, #or put me first, #tbh i dont ever want to love someone that much again, #because i loved her more than i knew how to love anything, #and now i feel so utterly wrecked

Yoongi didn’t really know what to think, all he knew is that he believed her. He could only imagine her, sitting by herself and just feeling the raw kind of pain that he did right now. It made him uncomfortable to think about because he knew what she described would be so much worse than a bout of random depression and, while he hardly knew her, he was positive he didn’t want her to feel like that.

His thumbs began moving before he really thought about his actions as he made two decisions. The first was that he was going to dye his hair pink again, if only for a week or two, just so he could imagine a girl with a smile when she saw it. The second was what he was already working on accomplishing, bringing up their conversation on Tumblr together and typing her a message. He wasn’t good with his words in about ninty-five percent of situations, but he felt like he had to try, even if it was something incredibly miniscule. He took a deep breath and hit send, staring at his message as he prepared to wait what would feel like ages for her reply when she woke up.

[Sent at 4:23 PM]: are you okay?

Chapter Text

[Sent at 4:23 PM]: are you okay?

[Received at 4:26 PM]: I’m sorry I wrote concerning tags…I had a bad day. I will be okay.

There was something Yoongi absolutely hated about the way she had phrased that and he quickly realised it was because it wasn’t what he had hoped she would say. When he asked her if she was okay, he had let himself believe she might reply saying she was feeling better. However, this was something much less positive. She wasn’t okay, but she didn’t see herself as something that was worth burdening him with.

He retyped a sentence six times, rephrasing and then completely scrapping some of his ideas. He felt like he was trying to write lyrics that he wasn’t quite happy with, constantly tweaking and trying to fix the lines he jotted down. Yoongi decided a simple approach was best.

[Sent at 4:27 PM]: you want to talk?

While waiting for her reply he went to google to check what time it was in the Eastern Standard time zone. While he was upfront with her about living in Seoul, she had been hesitant to say where she was from, only ever telling him her time zone was EST. He hadn’t figured out if this was just a general thing for her or if maybe she just distrusted him. Whatever it was, he was sure that it was very late wherever she lived. In fact, it was almost three-thirty AM.

[Received at 4:28 PM]: Tbh there really isn’t much to say. I was in a relationship for five years with this person I was crazy about and then they cheated on me and I found out it had been going on for a while. We recently broke up. It hurts.

He had gotten the gist of that from her tags, but seeing in confirmed more or less from her mouth made him slump a little against his headboard. He flicked his dark-brown eyes to the TV Jin was playing his game on, realising how little experience he had in this kind of situation and the lack of words he could share to try and help her. Yoongi let out a sigh as he typed the first thing that came to mind, thinking that maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing to write.

[Sent at 4:30 PM]: sorry. it sounds like shit. i do not feel good too.

[Received at 4:31 PM]: I’m sorry August. It sucks we both had a bad day. :(

[Received at 4:31 PM]: Tbh I’m being a baby. They don’t seem that bothered by the split, so I shouldn’t be letting this shake me up as much as it is. Sometimes shit doesn’t work out and I know that…idk.

Yoongi paused after he translated and he tried to think of what he could tell her. He tried to imagine being in her shoes, feeling like absolute shit and like he never mattered to someone who said yhat they loved him. He tried to imagine spending five years on a relationship and then having it end in such a shitty and abrupt way. Yoongi tried to picture what he would feel like and he quickly concluded that she cared too much about what people on the outside thought.

[Send at 4:35 PM]: its ok. you can be sad.

[Received at 4:36 PM]: I spend too much of my time crying. I don’t want to be sad, I just want to get over it.

[Received at 4:36 PM]: People I know irl always talk about how tough I am; they always say I am the sturdy rock in all situations. I don’t feel like it. If I am a rock, I’m riddled with fractures.

[Received at 4:36 PM]: I’m tired of feeling like I have no control. I am sick of missing someone who betrayed me and I don’t want to feel pathetic anymore.

If I am a rock, I’m riddled with fractures.

Something about that sentence stood out to him. He couldn’t really put his finger on why but he knew he liked the sound of it. He reread through the sentence she sent, translated it again, and then realised it was because he liked the way she used her language to deliver imagery. Even when she was incredibly sad, she gave him something to further his understanding of her feelings and it drew him in; it was something he understood well because he had done it so many times before when writing lyrics. Analogies were everything when it came to helping other people understand you.

Yoongi took in a deep breath through his nose while he chewed on his lip. He was utterly at a loss for what he could even say at this point. He felt borderline useless. However, he didn’t want her to dwell on this and he certainly didn’t want her to feel horrible anymore. Truth be told, he wanted to tell her if she truly didn’t want to feel pathetic anymore she had to find a way to make it happen or at least accept that she wasn’t being as pathetic as she assumed.

He let out a soft sigh and then began typing again.

[Sent at 4:40 PM]: it sucks now. you hurt now. you tired now. but not forever. just work hard to get there.

Yoongi had no fucking clue how to console her and he knew his words were cheesy as fuck, but he tried anyway. He wasn’t a stranger to depression, feeling displaced and isolated. While he had never been through the exact situation Alex was in, he thought that maybe he could motivate her by using his own struggles as a place to guide him. While Yoongi knew he didn’t have the best advice for her situation, it was something and that had to count at least a little.

[Sent at 4:41 PM]: rely on friends. spend time. better than to be alone. being alone hurt you.

[Received at 4:42 PM]: I spend time with Jess often, but she’s the only one left now. All the others I met through that person and they slowly distanced themselves after all this shit happened.

[Received at 4:42 PM]: It only served to make this all feel worse tbh.

[Received at 4:42 PM]: Thank you, August. We don’t know each other well but you’re being really nice and I want you to know I appreciate you messaging me to check if I was okay…you’re the only one so far.

[Received at 4:44 PM]: I’ll try my best to not let this stuff bother me.

He took a deep breath after he had figured out what she had said because in a way it felt…rehearsed. It felt like the same ‘I’m okay’ bullshit that people spewed to get people to stop worrying about them and it only made him feel more unsettled. While he certainly wasn’t close to Alex, nor would he be able to do anything if something did happen to her, he longed for her to have some kind of connection that might mean enough for her to stick around. He had this feeling that if he befriended her he wouldn’t regret it. This felt beyond him, like it was something he had to do.

[Sent at 4:48 PM]: it okay to be sad. you dont have to be sad alone.

[Received at 4:50 PM]: At the risk of sounding like an emo fuck, I’m usually by myself and I am usually sad. But thank you. You’re cheering me up a little.

Yoongi felt himself smile a little knowing that he was cheering her up in a genuine way. While he believed every single fan who told him that his music helped them through a rough time, this felt different. It felt more direct. It felt honest, unguarded, and like she wasn’t trying to sugar-coat the truth. This felt like Min Yoongi talking with someone he vaguely knew and not Suga of BTS talking with a fan.

[Sent at 4:52 PM]: can i ask question?

[Received at 4:52 PM]: Yeah, go ahead.

Yoongi bit his lip, eyes gazing around his room. Sometime between the last time he looked and now, Jin had turned off his game. He was now lying in bed and looking at his phone screen, appearing to be reading something based on the way he was slowly scrolling. Seokjin was so good at helping people with these kinds of things and maybe if what he was doing wasn’t so fucking insane, Yoongi would ask him for help on figuring out what to say. Yoongi let out a sigh and looked back at the screen, away from the pink sheet Jin was covered with, eyes glued to her permission to ask his question. It took him a little time to translate it and he still wasn’t sure by five minutes later if it sounded quite right, but he figured she would get the gist of it. Alex usually did.

[Sent at 4:58 PM]: how come you did not try to fix it? the relationship.

[Received at 4:59 PM]: I did.

[Received at 5:00 PM]: They kept cheating and I kept forgiving until one day I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I realised the future that we planned to spend together faded.

[Received at 5:02 PM]: We always talked about getting this city house to start our life together in after we got married. We made a deal that I would get to paint one room blue because it is my favourite colour and they would have a room dedicated as their studio. We used to talk about how we would decorate the rooms. We talked about what colour we would paint a room for our kids. How our kitchen would look because I adore cooking. One dog and two cats. Never speaking to some of our judgmental family again. Taking comfort in each other. That kind of stupidly in love stuff.

[Received at 5:02 PM]: But then I realised, as I was lying in bed, that I couldn’t imagine it anymore. There was no house, no blue room, no dog…all I could picture was blank space and me by myself.

[Received at 5:02 PM]: When that happened, I knew it was over. I knew that I couldn’t save us…so I stopped trying.  

Yoongi stared at all the text and bit his lip, knowing it would take him absolutely forever to translate it. He looked at the conversation and then at his fingers that hovered over the keyboard. He prayed what he was considering saying didn’t sound insensitive, but he wanted to understand. He wanted to take the time because he could tell she put a lot of thought into what she said by the sheer length; Alex usually didn’t overwhelm him with text, she had even told him once that she was careful because she didn’t want to give him homework while trying to talk with her.

[Sent at 5:03 PM]: give me time. i need translate. i not ignoring you.

[Received at 5:04 PM]: You’re sweet, August. Take your time.

[Received at 5:04 PM]: By the way, thank you for asking…it felt really good to get that off my chest. I hadn’t ever really put some of what happened into words, it was all just vague concepts for me and now it feels easier to breathe.

Yoongi got to work immediately, taking a notebook out of his side drawer and start piece by piece with the pen from his nightstand. He tapped the pen against the metal rings of the book, sending a clinking sound throughout the room rhythmically as he worked through translating what he could in his head before writing it into Korean on the blank page. He would feel his lips twitch upwards into a small smile, feeling proud when a sentence’s meaning came together for him.

It was thirty minutes later by the time he was done and when he got there he just stared at the notebook in his hand for another five. Her pain was raw and it was real. This wasn’t the stupid story of some teenager thinking they were in love for good. This wasn’t some girl desperately trying to change the asshole who couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved. This was a mature adult who had created the blueprints for a future with someone and then watched it fall apart as they tried to construct it.

He felt so fucking bad for her. Yoongi didn’t even know what to say. He had felt loss before, he had experienced a relationship fizzing out, but this seemed out of his league. So he decided to say the only thing he could and struggled to write it properly, needing to reword it several times before he was satisfied enough with it.

[Sent at 5:40 PM]: alex…i am sorry. i would say you is better off but it feels stupid.  

[Sent at 5:42 PM]: i not always good at this but i listen well. i just do not have any comfort words to say sometimes.

Yoongi wanted to say something to her he thought would help, but in order to do so he had to be clever with it. He had to tell a half-lie. While he considered himself a very honest person, this was necessary and so he chose to lie in order to try and make her feel a little better.

[Sent at 5:44 PM]: i write poetry…sometimes you have to get rid of. sometimes you have to start from beginning. your picture not lost. you just need to start over and paint it again. this time better.

[Sent at 5:45 PM]: this time just make it just for you. paint you a picture. you can have as many blue rooms as you want for this new one.

Yoongi held his breath as he waited for her answer because he had tried his best to help. It had been more than a pain in the ass to try and translate his thoughts into English, but he wanted her to know that she did have a future. She just had to reimagine it, reimagine it with foundations that were strong enough so another person couldn’t utterly tear it down again. He wanted her to know she had to picture a future for just herself now.

[Received at 5:47 PM]: No one has ever said something that thoughtful about all of this…thank you. That actually feels like something I can do, you know? It gives me a bit of hope that my life isn’t really messed up right now. This is just a little bump.

After he had read and understood her words, he beamed. He sat in his bed, staring at his phone with a gummy smile on his face. He had seriously doubted his words could help her at all and yet she had understood exactly what he wanted to stress. He had helped a girl who lived somewhere in the Eastern Standard time zone while being on the other side of the world with just the intention behind his broken-ass English. The feeling was so similar to how he felt knowing non-Korean speaking ARMYs connected to his lyrics, but more personal.

His thumbs quickly started to swipe over the keyboard again.

[Sent at 5:50 PM]: what you see now? in the future?

[Received at 5:51 PM]: Hmm, I’m not sure.

[Received at 5:51 PM]: An affordable apartment with a cat and a steady paying job. Being financially stable. Being risky and buying a dress I have always wanted for me. Maybe teaching English.

[Received at 5:52 PM]: All those things really.

He continued to beam, closing his eyes for a moment because she seemed so hopeful. It was a dramatic change from just an hour ago and he felt really good seeing it happen. He wasn’t sure why, but he wanted Alex to get through this and he wanted to still know her when she did.

[Sent at 5:53 PM]: it is nice picture. i like it.

[Received at 5:54 PM]: August?

[Sent at 5:54 PM]: yes?

[Received at 5:54 PM]: Thank you.

[Received at 5:55 PM]:  I’m sorry to dump my problems on you and then dash but it’s super late (or early depending on how you look at it) and I need to sleep.

Yoongi shook his head, even though Alex couldn’t see him. He wasn’t upset with her for needing to rest, seeing as that would not only be the most stupid and inconsiderate thing he could say, but also because he knew how it felt. He began typing again, still smiling slightly.

[Sent at 5:56 PM]: you sleep now. it too late for you to be up. go sleep and have good dreams of affordable apartments.

[Received at 5:56 PM]: Lmao. You’re good at this. Thank you…I honestly feel a lot better. I’m not sad anymore.

[Received at 5:57 PM]: Goodnight August. I will send you a message when I wake up. ^^

[Sent at 5:58 PM]: goodnight alex.

Yoongi let out a tired yawn, shifting slightly in his bed. He shut the notebook on his lap, put the pen inside the metal rings and then set it back inside the drawer. He blinked tiredly at the ceiling, feeling the need for a nap wash over him. As he locked his phone and shimmied a little further into his bed to get comfortable, his brain got stuck on how Alex had said she wasn’t sad anymore.

He realised that he wasn’t either.

Chapter Text

It had been one week since Yoongi had last spoken to Alex. He had brought up their conversation on the screen of his phone so many times, but there hadn’t been a single occasion he hadn’t simply exited the Tumblr app before he let himself do anything stupid. Truthfully, he was a little spooked. The day he was feeling like shit, she was too and then after their talk, he magically felt better. Logically, it shouldn’t mean much of anything; a friend had helped him out of a bad mood and, in return, he had done the same. However, Alex wasn’t a friend. Alex was practically a stranger still. A stranger he knew some personal stuff about.

When he thought about it, he wanted to talk to her. Yoongi wanted to hear about her day and practice his English. He wanted to know if she felt any better this week…but wanting all of that disturbed him because he knew he shouldn’t. He honestly just wanted to shrug, say he couldn’t help it and continue to interact with her.

So it was exactly what he did.

By the time he had worked up enough courage to check out her blog again, he was taking a break during the filming of a variety show. Bighit usually didn’t like the members of BTS to be on their phones during these short breaks, for fear of distractions, but the members did it anyways, including Yoongi. He found his own little corner of the room, sitting in a plain hard plastic black chair that had a bumpy texture across the seat. The other members were split between two couches, two of them sleeping and the rest having a conversation about food. He was very far away from all that, so thoroughly distracted by his phone that their voices were like the buzz of a nearby mosquito.

Alex’s blog had been decently active, but the most recent post grabbed his attention immediately. He wanted to know more about her and it was like she had set up a cheat sheet for him. There was a post that listed eighty-five questions that anons could send to her and she would answer. Eighty-five. He was sure this numbered sheet was the way to find out more about her and he bit his lip to hold back a smile.

Yoongi immediately dove into translating the first five questions, wanting to find out if they were something that he would be interested in knowing about her. Afterward, he checked the time and knew for certain that Alex should be sleeping right now. It was noon, which made it late at night for her…at least he thought so. He screwed up his face as he tried to count the hours in his head before he rolled his eyes and decided it didn’t matter, opening their conversation.

[Sent at 12:33 PM]: hi. i see the question you post. i send you some

Yoongi was just about to go back to looking at her blog when he heard the little popping sound and saw that she sent a message. He immediately smiled without thought, feeling a little warmer just knowing she was there on the other side. He carefully picked out the words he did know, trying to grasp the meaning before he used the help of a translator.

[Received at 12:33 PM]: Hey August! How are you? ^^

[Received at 12:33 PM]: Please do. I’ve had no one send any and it always makes me feel a bit foolish when nobody does. :/

Yoongi bit the tip of his tongue as he thought for a moment. After a few seconds, an idea came to him and he quickly began swiping his thumbs across his phone screen, typing out his next message. He was utterly positive that if any of the other guys looked his way, he’d probably look like some school girl who was texting her crush…except this was nothing like that. This was just curiosity and talking to someone interesting all mixed together in an innocent ‘not a crush’ sort of way.

[Sent at 12:35 PM]: i send you new question every day. it fun.

[Sent at 12:36 PM]: i good. work a lot. not have a lot of time…

He wasn’t lying. He hardly had any time to do much of anything. Yoongi was truly surprised he managed to find the time to talk to her. To be honest, he wasn’t really finding time so much as subtracting it from other things he should have been doing. He told himself that it was alright by reminding himself that having something just for him was probably good for his mental health.

[Received at 12:37 PM]: I’m really sorry that you’re so busy. Don’t over work yourself, okay? And drink a lot of water.

[Received at 12:37 PM]: Jeez, I sound like one of those posters plastered on the walls of my university…

[Received at 12:37 PM]: Stay hydrated!!!

Yoongi smiled to himself, deciding to be a bit of a little shit with her. He just hoped the teasing tone crossed the language barrier and didn’t fall flat. He stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth slightly, tip peeking through his lips as he figured out the best way to word his thoughts.

[Sent at 12:39 PM]: ok. i take bath then. :)

[Received at 12:39 PM]: Okay, smartass, I guess I deserved that. Hehe.

[Received at 12:40 PM]: I wish I could stay up longer to talk, August, but I need to do some last minute prep for some assignments. School started and I need to be up in the morning. Got to love September and regular sleeping hours. :)

[Received at 12:40 PM]: Send me the questions on anon and I will answer them tomorrow.

After he translated everything that she said, he nodded his head and wrote down what he wanted to say to her in Korean. And then he began to translate it, treating it like a math question that had a specific and complicated formula to it. English worked backward from Korean, it was a subject-verb-object language which meant the object of the sentence came last. He used this idea as his most basic grounding for translating and then turned to google to fill in the blanks.

[Sent at 12:42 PM]: ok. night. i send questions.

He went back to the list and couldn’t help himself. Out of the first five questions, he was only interested in one. So he translated more until he could ask her three. He sat there for another thirty minutes, taking up his entire break as he combed through questions and made a list. He worked until he had gone through the first twenty. Out of those, he only was interested in asking her number two, ten and twelve. The others, he thought would be insensitive considering the things she had told him and he wasn’t out to learn things he already knew.

Yoongi looked at the clock and felt a sense of urgency wash over him, causing him to wrinkle his nose in distaste. He would have to get back to work soon and knew he probably only had another five minutes at the most to send her his questions before he had to get ready. He opened her ask and copied the ones he wanted to know, but not without adding a little personalisation first. The only thing he could think of adding was a comment on the song that her blog played, which he had grown fond of over the number of times he visited. Sometimes, he found himself humming it. He resolved to download it later so he could have it on his phone.

The questions he chose were: ‘Are relationships ever worth it?’, ‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’, and ‘Do you forgive betrayal?’ He wasn’t sure why he was attracted to those particular options. In truth, he would ask her every question if he could. These were just the ones he wanted to hear the answers to right after finding out what he did the week before. Yoongi typed up his ask and then sent it, letting out a yawn. He checked the time again and realised he would have to go back to work pretty much now. So, he quickly sent it and then put his phone away, preparing to finish his day of schedules.  

hi alex. i want to ask you questions from list. 2. 10. 12. please. i like song on your blog. it is calm. sorry my english bad.

…

If there was one thing Min Yoongi could say he knew about Alex without a doubt, it was that she always did her best to encourage those who wrote “my English is bad” at the end of their asks to keep trying their best. She did her best to reassure them that they were doing fine and that she could understand them. Alex was always kind to her followers and he liked that about her.

Currently, it was around one in the morning and Yoongi found himself locked up in the studio, concentrating on finishing some beats. Except that he wasn’t concentrating on his music at all really, instead he sat at his desk but his body was slightly turned the wrong way to be using the controls of his equipment and he was staring at the phone in his hand curiously. He had been working. He had worked until about twenty minutes ago but as soon as the thought popped up into his head that Alex might have been up and on her blog, he couldn’t resist the urge to pull his phone out of his pocket and check. Not that he could have really resisted the urge to check on Alex whenever the impulse appeared anyway.

Yoongi’s studio space was rather small, but it was still larger than the space he used to occupy. It was homey, comfortable, and to anyone else who walked in it would distinctly feel like him, especially since the jersey which had the letters ‘SUGA’ printed across it hung on the back of his plushy computer chair. In front of him, his desk was tidy; the space was shared by his computer, equipment, and just a few figurines. To his side, there was a keyboard and another shelf that was holding more equipment. Behind him, towards the door, there was a very small two-seater couch pushed against the wall. The walls almost looked like they were made out of cement due to the colouring, but it was just the soundproofing. Dim lights built into the ceiling shone down and lit the space, soft and not overly disturbing. Overall, Yoongi never minded that the space was small because it felt like his space.

Usually, he had a no app rule while working just because it all felt like an intrusion. This was his creative space and he didn’t want to get distracted by other things. What he found odd was looking at Alex’s blog didn’t feel like an intrusion or a distraction, it just felt like another part of the room, like it could be something he found placed on one of the shelves. It just felt like it belonged.

Should he have been concerned about that? Yoongi truly wasn’t sure but he decided that for today he was just going to ignore the things he usually let worry him and allow himself to enjoy Alex’s blog for what it was. Even if his attachment to it worried him just as much as reading through it made him feel good.

True to her word, Alex had answered the first batch of questions. Before she did, she addressed that he said he liked the song on her blog, Sweater Weather by the Neighborhood. Yoongi felt the craving to listen to it, hearing the beat in his head upon reading her words about it. He took a moment away from his phone and put on his headphones and searched the song up on YouTube before going back to what he was doing.

Alex answered each question in depth and Yoongi knew it meant a lot of translation work for him. He bit his lip and looked around the room for a notebook, eventually spotting his on the shelf. He reached for it and then grabbed a pen after. This would certainly take him an eternity to translate, but he deserved a break from his other work anyways.

2.  Are relationships ever worth it?

Of course they are! I recently got burned to hell by a failed relationship and while I look back on it and wish it never happened that doesn’t mean I look at all relationships this way, especially since it is a vague word. It just means a connection and I think I have made a few that have been more than worth it, even if others have  hurt  me. 

 

10.  Do you believe in love at first sight? 

For me, it doesn’t exist  but I can’t speak for others or trash their love stories. I am one of those people that is not attracted to someone in any physical way until I know them. So the concept is just absurd. 

I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, Alex! You love Yoongi!” I just want to make it clear that I do not love him. I am super fond of him and find him super attractive and think he is a great person, but how can I love someone I have never met? Truth is, I am attracted to him because of the side of his personality he lets us see. I know I like that and so he became   incredibly  beautiful to me. For me, the kind people with good hearts are beautiful~

 

12.  Do you forgive betrayal? 

Honestly. No. Not anymore. I tried that and it got me nowhere. It might be important to mention I associate the word betrayal with a serious abuse of my trust like cheating or something. So no, I don’t. It just ends up hurting too much and making me want to close myself off. Cut toxicity out people, you’ll feel better. 

Chapter Text

Yoongi laid in his bed a couple of days after Alex had answered his first set of questions. He looked over the answers as well as the posts in between. He was happy it was finally starting to cool off now that the mid-September nights had started and he didn’t need to be glued to a fan. He might have been rereading at this point, practicing his English. Every time she answered a question, he felt the extreme urge to study English wash over him. He wanted to read her thoughts with ease, he wanted to understand her without difficulty. He wanted to know more. Alex was quickly becoming an obsession, like a book he had been sucked into. With every page he turned, he wanted to turn the next; he couldn’t put it down. He couldn’t get her out of his head.

Yoongi took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to imagine what she might look like. Alex was faceless, he couldn’t picture a person there no matter how hard he strained his mind, and yet he was confident he could talk to her for hours. He was confident they could talk about interesting topics or maybe just exchange sarcastic wit back and forth.

What did her smile look like? Was it gummy? Did she smile with her teeth showing? What did her laugh sound like? Was it loud and boisterous, like Taehyung when he got up to no good? Or was it a soft collection of little giggles and hiccups, like Jimin? The more that he talked to her, he grew desperate to know more about her than what the confines of their small IM chat could tell him.

Every part of his brain told him that now was the time to put his foot down and stop. He was beyond interested in her blog and, at some point, he had become attached. He wasn’t sure where but had begun obsessing and it wasn’t healthy, he truly knew that. Yoongi knew he couldn’t just try to get to know a fan like the way he wanted to get to know her; it would stain and strain their relationship, a constant mark and reminder that there was a barrier between them that should not have been crossed. There was no future in trying to become friends with her. But he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to try.

Yoongi took a deep breath, looked away from his phone and the asks she had answered. He stared at the ceiling as if the little-textured bumps that spread across the surface held some kind of wisdom, and he bit his lip. There was no future in talking to Alex, he would never be able to get more than exchanging words back and forth through an electronic device. She could never know who he was. They could never advance beyond just speaking on Tumblr and Yoongi decided he didn’t give a single fuck.

He was going to do what he wanted.

He looked back at the screen and checked the time, seeing it was getting very late and he should be asleep. It was around two in the morning and the only light in the room shone from his screen. Jin wasn’t awake to tell him to sleep but his conscious weighed against him; he had already made one huge rebellious decision for the night and that seemed like enough…but he also knew Alex would be up right now. Yoongi compromised, he would refresh her blog one last time before he went to sleep and then he would send her a goodnight message, put his phone away and turn in.

The first post was a new ask and he stared at it curiously, knowing it was short enough that he could definitely read it without help if he tried.

Alexxx, I don’t know what you look like! Post a selfie? Please? <3

Why did he suddenly feel so fucking nervous? His stomach felt like it was doing somersaults inside of him and he had to take a moment to ground himself. If he scrolled down, there would probably be a picture of her there and he would know what she looked like. There would be a face to the name. Yoongi knew he had no reason to be scared because he truly didn’t care what she looked like and yet he was so hesitant about scrolling down. Maybe he could just never go any further down on her blog. That was a possibility. It was stupid, but he could do it.

Yoongi shook his head firmly and then took a breath, swiping his thumb up so he could see the picture. His eyes jumped around, trying to take in everything at once. He forced them to focus on her face and start there.

Her eyes were bright, full of life. A mix of blue and green that looked far more natural than the colours of contacts he was used to seeing. The rest of her face was a wash compared to them. Her skin was pale, her nose was long and her mouth was small. Pretty wouldn’t be the word to describe what he saw when he looked at her face. No word really suited her. She looked like a person, a person with dark hair.

Alex wasn’t skinny or the model of perfection he was used to interacting with. She was much more like the fans who stared at him with loving eyes because he wouldn’t judge their body. She looked natural, comfortable, and alive. She wasn’t beautiful but something about the light of her smile made her attractive to him.

Now that Yoongi had seen what she looked like, it seemed like that was the only way she could have possibly looked. The smile he saw was exactly right. It was like something clicked inside his head and everything settled into making sense. She matched her words. He closed his eyes and pictured Alex, recalling the image, and it felt right.

Yoongi nodded to himself, liking the picture and then bringing up the conversation he had with her. He tried to type out his thoughts without sounding impossibly weird and just hoped it came across as flattery and not something else. He read it over twice before he hit send.

[Sent at 2:12 AM]: i saw your picture. you look like you should.

[Received at 2:12 AM]: August! It’s late for you. You should be in bed.

[Received at 2:12 AM]: Okay, I might have gone a little too mom-friend on you there. Hehe.

Yoongi smiled, loving that she worried and cared about him. She had no idea who he was and how much he actually needed to be told that because he needed his sleep. She worried about everyone that way and it was sweet. He started typing again, glancing up at Jin and then back down, the nervous edge always telling him to be sneaky so he didn’t have this growing friendship robbed from him.

[Sent at 2:13 AM]: i will soon. promise. just want to say hi.

[Received at 2:13 AM]: Hi. :3

[Received at 2:13 AM]: What did you mean by I look like I should? I’m a little confused.

Yoongi’s stomach twisted but then he reminded himself to just take a deep breath and explain. She never seemed the type to bite someone’s head off, in fact, she seemed very down-to-earth in comparison. He had no doubt she would understand he wasn’t trying to insult her. He let out the breath and then looked down at the Roman alphabet and began to type out his answer, really struggling and even using a translator to double check that everything came out properly.

[Sent at 2:15 AM]: you match personality. i saw your picture and it looked like how you seem.

[Sent at 2:15 AM]: i promise i try to compliment you.

[Received at 2:16 AM]: No, I think I get what you mean. Thank you, that’s sweet of you to say. You’re really nice, August. I like talking.

[Sent at 2:16 AM]: i like talking too. i send more questions tomorrow.

[Received at 2:17 AM]: Okay! I will answer them. ^_^.

[Received at 2:17 AM]: Please get some rest. I know you work really weird and hectic hours from the way you talk and message. Don’t lose sleep just to talk to me.

Yoongi bit his lip as he read her words, silently pleased that he realised he was understanding more and more of the way English grammar worked. At this point, he was just figuring out little words here and there while understanding the structure around them. It felt really freaking good because he could literally see his progress.

Alex was observant, she had figured out he worked weird hours and inconsistently but that didn’t alarm him like he thought it would. She didn’t seem suspicious of him, just worried for his well-being. She didn’t understand though, she wasn’t just another person. She was someone that he wanted to talk to. He didn’t mind losing an hour or two of rest just to get to smile at her dumb jokes or listen to her talk about something important to her. Alex never felt like a drain and he wished he could express that she wasn’t a burden on his time or schedule. She was what he wished he had more time for.

Yoongi began typing again, thumbs tapping the screen with far less speed than he would usually type out his words with. Writing in English took him much more time and it almost made it seem tedious, but it was worth it. Seeing her reply made him feel like it wasn’t such a pain in the ass.

[Sent at 2:19 AM]: i do not mind talking to you. it is nice. worth to stay awake little longer

[Sent at 2:19 AM]: but i will rest now. have a good day, alex.

[Received at 2:20 AM]: Goodnight August! I’ll answer the questions you send in and then talk with you in a few hours. ^_^

…

Yoongi had spent the next day practicing with Namjoon. They were hauled up together in the dining area of their dorm, faces buried in books and exchanging pieces of paper with English scrawled down in messy handwriting. He felt the same kind of rush as always, wanting to learn more, absorb more, and talk to Alex more.

“You’re learning really fast,” Namjoon told him with a smile, dimples poking into his cheeks as he looked towards him, light in his eyes.

Yoongi assumed Namjoon was so pleased with his progress because he had been trying to teach the others English for what must have felt like ages. While Yoongi understood his frustration, none of them had the energy nor the drive to pack yet another task on top of the multitude of things they needed to spend their time doing and he couldn’t really blame him. As it was, the only reason he was learning was purely selfish at this point. There was something driving him…a someone.

“Yeah, I think I am just trying to get the bulk of it out of the way fast,” Yoongi said as he yawned, tired, but not done yet. “Because I want to have a conversation with Alex and actually talk to her and understand her without any issues.”

Namjoon looked his way and tilted his head a little, his revealing that he was thinking about something, considering voicing it. He took in a breath and raised his brow. “Why did you want to learn?”

“ARMY,” Yoongi answered simply as he tried to read through the text on the page he had flipped to when he opened a book, simply practicing.

“Don’t lie,” Namjoon told him, voice not stern or loud, but quiet. Almost piercing, like there was nothing Yoongi could say to change his belief that he was lying.

Yoongi had known his intelligence had always been shrewd but he didn’t expect him to outright accuse him of ulterior motivations. Yoongi looked up at him, dark eyes settling on his friend’s figure. He wasn’t intimidated. In fact, despite everything he had felt in regards to others finding out about Alex, he felt quite relaxed. He just had the overwhelming feeling that Namjoon was not a threat.

“I’m talking to this girl,” Yoongi said, but his voice came out a little uneven, like he was unsure if he was actually talking to a girl or not.

“A girl?” Namjoon asked curiously, his eyes narrowing a little in thought. “What kind of girl?”

“A pen pal,” Yoongi said as he shrugged and continued to try and read the words on the page, coffee-coloured gaze jumping back to ink. “She makes me practice.”

“Yoongi,” Namjoon said, forgoing using any kind of honorific to show just how serious he was. “I really don’t think that is smart of you.”

Yoongi did his best to remain impassive and shook his head. Remaining calm and casual was key. If he didn’t freak out and lose his head, Namjoon was more likely to believe he had his wits about him.

“She doesn’t have a clue who I am. We just talk about movies mostly…” He paused, pushing his thoughts away. “And music, work, school, religion, the world, and her dreams. Her life.” He flipped the page and kept scanning it. “Talking to her is good practice so that I can reach a larger audience.”

Namjoon seemed satisfied by this. He nodded his head and let out a sigh. “I guess it makes sense now, how fast you’re learning. Having to use the language is the quickest way.”

He grew quiet and Yoongi was content to let the conversation die there. After all, explaining himself thoroughly to Namjoon was not required and his friend seemed like he would be somewhat quiet about all of this. However, he heard the sound of Namjoon clearing his throat, a disruptive and sudden noise that cut the silence and he knew there was more to listen to.

“If this was anyone else- Jimin, Tae, hell even Hoseok- I wouldn’t approve,” Namjoon said sternly. His expression softened and he shrugged. “But if any of us are smart enough not to get caught doing something stupid, it’s you. Please don’t cause a scandal.”

Yoongi looked at him for a long moment and then nodded, feeling like they had reached a compromise. Alex made him feel less stressed, she distracted him when he hit those really low moods and she was interesting to talk with. The truth of the matter was that she had become one of the necessary parts of his life that allowed him to destress, even if it was just a little. Having a friendship with someone who wasn’t a complete asshat didn’t ever seem like a bad idea, especially when that person didn’t ask the kinds of questions that he couldn’t answer.

Yoongi nodded again and tried his best to give his friend a reassuring smile, before looking back at the book’s yellowed page. “I won’t. She has no idea who I am. To her, I am just a person living in Seoul working hectic hours and trying to learn English.”

Chapter Text

It was exactly eleven PM, Yoongi even watched the digit turn over on his alarm clock. When he looked out the window, he saw the familiar hazy illumination from the city that seemed to suspend it in the perpetual light of dusk, like the edge of the sun was just barely past the horizon. The glowing buildings, car headlights, and busy people on the street didn’t really allow the feeling of true night time to seep in for Yoongi.

He felt an odd sense of giddiness. If it was eleven PM in Seoul, it was ten AM in the Eastern Standard time-zone, which meant there was a good chance Alex could be awake. He was eager to talk to her, he could feel it the way that his fingers jittered restlessly, anticipating typing out words for her.

So, at eleven PM, Yoongi laid out on his side with his blankets pulled up to his ears and stared at his phone, heart beating like he was running a mile.

Peering through the bright light, he brought up their conversation and sent her a message, a simple “good morning”. Yoongi had a free day tomorrow, so he decided that if she was awake and able to talk, he would stay up until two AM. Until he got a message from her in return, he went back to her normal blog page and began to look through the recent posts and then even reread some.

Since he had last looked, Alex had said that him dying his hair black that one day to hide the fact that he had gone platinum blonde for the Dope promotions was among the greatest betrayals she had ever felt. So, while laughing a little to himself at the silliness of it, Yoongi swore that one day he would go back to black for her. Just so he could picture her face smiling. And Pink, he would go pink again for her. He wasn’t sure, but there was some undeniable part of him that wanted to make her happy. He supposed if he could make one fan happy to the point where she couldn’t stop smiling, it would be enough.

He had also been reminded of how attractive Alex thought he was. She would reblog the ugliest pictures of him that existed and say he looked beautiful. He knew he was attractive, he knew thousands upon thousands of girls thought he was the most beautiful thing to hit the planet, and yet this one girl reblogging his picture made him feel a little bit different. He almost felt bashful and humbled about it. Alex, her words, smile, and thoughts just made him feel good.

And then, there were the questions that she had answered. Yoongi had learned several things about her from those. The first thing was that she liked piercings and had several on her ears. She even had one that he had to google because he had never heard of it; a triple forward helix. He quickly concluded that on any girl, it would look adorable and when he pictured Alex’s face, he decided it really suited her in particular.

The second thing he learned is that she didn’t let herself daydream. When asked if she thought someone was thinking about her, she said no because it was improbable. And yet, Yoongi would bet his entire freaking wallet that when she answered, he was. Alex was on his mind whenever he wasn’t doing something to preoccupy it. Her blog, no, she was the background noise behind everything else. When he thought about it, he realised it was nice to have a friend like that. Someone he wanted to invest time into.

The last thing he realised from her answers was that she didn’t trust easily. More so, Yoongi learned that Alex had shitty people to call friends. He had no doubt that in their mind, they didn’t know the meaning of the word, especially when he read about how they relied on sheer manipulation to influence her. He chewed on his lip as he thought about it, realising he didn’t want that for her. If he could find her a group of friends, he would. Hell, if he could be more present as her friend, he would. No one deserved to be treated like that.

He decided to send her another question and he went to scan the list while he waited to hear from her. As he looked over the questions, eyes hopping from one to another, he found one in particular that stuck out to him. He swallowed hard, like there was an invisible lump obstructing his airflow and he was trying to get it out of the way.  

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

He knew the answer to that question already. In fact, they had talked about it once. He knew the broad details of how they had been together for a long time and then broke up, but it was just the bare minimum. Yoongi wanted to know more about who she had been with and he wasn’t sure why. When he paused to think it through, he came to the conclusion that he craved to know exactly how she had been hurt so he could try and balance out all that pain with something positive.

Logically, his thought process didn’t make any sense; after all, some nice words from him wouldn’t erase the way she felt. But, he didn’t really care. Something was better than nothing, so, he shrugged and sent her the ask anyways, only sending the one question and praying that she wouldn’t think it was him nosing for more information.  

Right after he sent it, Yoongi jolted slightly when he heard the ping of her messaging him. Feeling caught, he quickly switched screens to see what she said. His heart was beating unforgivably fast, like he was watching a horror film and waiting for the jump scare he knew was coming. His eyes glued to the message and he let out a little sigh of relief.  

[Received at 11:35 PM]: Hi August! I am good.

Yoongi bit his lip, tugging on it and typing a reply out fast. He didn’t even have to bother to check if Jin was sleeping, he could hear the soft noises of his slumber. He yawned slightly and then sent it after he double checked to make sure it was all correct.

[Sent at 11:37 PM]: if you not busy today i have a couple hours to talk before bed.

[Received at 11:37 PM]: That sounds perfect! I’m not busy at all. Hehe ^^

Yoongi felt himself smile upon seeing her ‘hehe.’ The way she used it was so weird because there was never anything to laugh at but he found it so damn cute that he didn’t care. He closed his eyes, picturing her face, trying to imagine what her giggle sounded like and the way she might cover her mouth to try and contain it. He pictured her tucking her long hair behind her ear, her forward helix piercing coming into sight; in his mind, the studs were baby blue to match her eyes. He let himself picture Alex in front of him and it felt so good that he didn’t even care to think about how worried he should have been.

[Sent at 11:38 PM]: how your morning alex?

[Sent at 11:38 PM]: It wasn’t bad. I’m still getting used to my school schedule. I just came back from a morning class. Getting back into the swing of things is always hard.

[Sent at 11:39 PM]: you back in school now? how was class?

Somehow, this didn’t feel like small talk. Not with her. Yoongi felt like he was catching up with an old friend, except he had been doing this every other day for the past couple of months. Nothing she said ever felt like she was repeating herself, everything had a different spin on it and he wanted to read more. Yoongi could feel his heart slamming against his rib cage, like the time he had first tried snowboarding and went down a hill. He felt like he was speeding, going uncontrollably fast, he felt like he couldn’t stop and yet he didn’t care. The feeling was too addicting. She was too addicting.

[Received at 11:41 PM]: I really like my classes this year! I just came from my history of East Asia class. It’s so condensed that it’s fucking almost impossible. They expect us to cover thousands and thousands of years of history for three major parts of East Asia in a single term, it’s ridiculous. But that is my university for you, always cutting funds and time for any program that isn’t Science. -_-

Yoongi wanted to fucking jump out of bed and dance. Not because of what Alex said, though it was related, but because he didn’t need a translator for the majority of the text. She had sent a long ass paragraph and he had only needed to look up a few words here and there. He was fucking ecstatic because it was proof that he was getting better. At one point in his life, he had genuinely thought that he wouldn’t ever be able to grasp English; he had thought that it was just too difficult for him to learn and that his brain wasn’t wired for it. And yet, with the thought of talking to her inspiring him, Alex had helped him learn and now he could see the fucking proof right in front of him.

Yoongi couldn’t stop smiling.

[Sent at 11:45 PM]: why they make it so short like that? why you take an asian history class?

[Received at 11:46 PM]: I really love history classes in general, I’m majoring in it. I am also getting a degree to teach English though too. As for the East Asian class, I plan to teach English in Seoul if everything works out correctly.

[Received at 11:47 PM]: I’m Native American and I am very used to people just walking around here and saying whatever the fuck they want about the country, spewing the most ignorant shit. Most of the time, they know nothing about its history or the history of the different original peoples here, which is inseparable. My mom taught me that if I am going to someone else’s homeland, I should respect where people come from and educate myself before I get there, so I’m not an ignorant asshat when I do.

[Received at 11:47 PM]: I figured that a good place to start was to take some basic history classes and also learning the language. I plan to do more than just basic East Asian history, but to get into the more advanced class that specifically covers Korean history, I have to take this intro course first.

When he read her first message, Yoongi had expected to be met with some kind of fetishism. Whenever he came across people who wanted to come to Seoul and liked KPOP it was usually because they were a bit obsessed. While he had no doubt some of her motivation might have been her interests in KPOP and Korean culture, her answer surprised him a little. Yoongi was pretty sure he remembered her mentioning she was Native American at one point but it had slipped his mind. There was something nice about talking to someone that while they took an interest in his culture, they were still utterly grounded in their own. If anything, it made him like her just a little more.

No one really liked foreigners in Korea, but Yoongi had a feeling that if she truly followed through with what she planned, it might not be so bad for her.

[Sent at 11:52 PM]: i think you will do good here alex.

[Received at 11:52 PM]: Thanks, though I am still super nervous I am going to be an ignorant asshat. I have some serious wanderlust and want to see more of the world than just the province I live in. I want to know what the people are like and the cultures. Idk. I’m a curious person.

[Sent at 11:53 PM]: lots of people want that. i understand.

Yoongi smiled to himself, practically able to feel her curiosity and the pull of new places. At that moment, just reading her words, he wanted to travel, to get out of where he was and see somewhere new, where no one knew who he was. It occurred to him that he didn’t truly feel this way. It was more like he was allowing himself to experience what he imagined she might feel like.

Yoongi took a deep breath and thought about the things she said about him, how she said he inspired her to try. How she hated the institution of school but he gave her strength to keep trying. He had to know why. He had to know exactly how he could have made her feel that way when she hardly knew a single thing about him.

[Sent at 11:55 PM]: alex i want to ask question. you like suga. you say he inspire you. what makes he inspiring?

[Received at 11:56 PM]: Lol, do you want me to write a book? Hehe.

Yoongi laughed a little and shook his head, biting his lip. He brought his thumbs back to the screen and started typing again, really wanting to know her answer. He had spent such a long time in his past not being happy with himself; it was hard for him to imagine that this small and tiny aspect of himself that she knew had served to inspire her to keep going. It seemed like a fairy tale, something he would find in a book that had bright watercolours painting magical forests across the pages.

[Sent at 11:56 PM]: tell me why. im curious.

[Received at 11:56 PM]: *Plays Sherlock by Shinee*

He laughed again, this time louder and then immediately shut his mouth, looking towards Jin to make sure he hadn’t disturbed him. He took a breath and then kept smiling like a fucking idiot as he looked back at the conversation. It had to be one of the most overused jokes ever and yet he found it funny when she wrote it.

[Sent at 11:57 PM]: alex!!~~~

[Received at 11:58 PM]: Okay, okay. It’s always embarrassing to say out loud. It makes me sound like someone who has too much time on their hands.

[Received at 11:58 PM]: I guess it’s because I really respect him. He’s very creative and talented and I respect him tremendously as an artist. But truly and honestly, it’s his lyrics. They just keep showing me how fucking good he is. Like an honest and good person. I look at his verse in Miss Right and I swoon because I want someone to think of me like that one day. I listen to Tomorrow and it fucking wrecks me every time. I have had more than my fair share of struggles trying to get through my life. And don’t get me started on his contribution to the endless amount of lyrics about the education system.

[Received at 12:00 AM]: But the thing about him that truly inspires me is how fucking hard he works. I mean everyone in this fandom calls him lazy (which really makes me want to throw things) but he is the guy always staying up way too late to work on his music. He’s passionate and even though I am sure he has had more than his own fair share of struggles, he still managed to become what he is. It just inspires me. It makes me not want to give up on myself. It makes me want to get through the rough shit and just keep going. He just inspires me to keep trying at this life thing.

[Received at 12:02 AM]: I know it sounds silly, but before I found BTS I was so numb that it was hard to really like much of anything. Fuck, food even began to lose its taste. Everything was so fucking bleak. I hated music. I hated me. I hated doing everything I used to take pleasure in and just had absolutely no will to get out of bed. I still don’t know how I made it through that year of school. But BTS helped me…his lyrics, in particular, they helped me. It’s still rough, I’m not better, but whenever I feel really down or like things are hopeless, I put on my headphones and play Tomorrow on repeat. It helps me.

[Received at 12:02 AM]: I just wrote you the most embarrassing book on how much I like Yoongi and I know it’s going to take a while, so don’t worry. Hehe. I’ll wait while you read. ^_^

Yoongi never really got used to the overwhelmed feeling that flourished inside him whenever Alex sent him a giant wall of text. There was a brief moment where he felt like he couldn’t do it, like it was just too much to handle and he couldn’t even conceive the notion of trying. And then that feeling went away and as he broke the text down into smaller pieces it became so much less intimidating.

Once he figured out everything that she had said, he was overwhelmed in a different way. He felt so many emotions at once, but the biggest was the sense of pride that warmed his chest. Music, that he had helped create, and lyrics that he had poured his own heart and experiences into, had helped her through a rough time. Tomorrow helped her, it helped her whenever she felt like nothing else would. He didn’t have a name for what that made him feel like. Yoongi supposed it was the way the plants must have felt like when spring came; he felt himself warming up and a strange buzzing energy inside him. He felt motivated to create. He supposed it was the positive feedback, but she made him want to write.

And so he did.

[Sent at 12:25 AM]: i sure he would feel good if he read that.

Chapter Text

Yoongi was ushered to sit down in a chair so his hair could be fixed by one of the stylists who was working for the company. He liked this one a lot as she was always happy when he was sent to her station and very kind to the members. She was older, in her thirties, and made the environment comfortable as she worked, not always pestering them to speak. When she sensed that he needed to relax, she would leave him alone to his devices. She was never nosy and she wouldn't get too close to his personal space, even when it was her job to touch his hair and make every strand fall exactly how she wanted it to. He much preferred her to the one that Jimin always seemed to be paired with, the one who was a little too bubbly and talked about her infant son.

Yoongi looked around the room, using the mirror in front of him to check his surroundings behind him. It was bare, very bare, except for the clothes they would be using and the cords that ran across the floor that powered the tools the hairstylists used. The fluorescent lights were harsh and he wondered how the makeup-stylists managed to do their work and make it look so natural. He flicked his eyes back to his phone and opened Alex’s blog without much thought, the pink bordered hitting his eyes immediately and reminding him of how much she loved his pink hair.

Yoongi bit his lip and looked up at the stylist through the mirror, giving her a smile. “Kim-ssi?” She continued to comb through his hair as she let her dark brown eyes connect with his. “I know this might sound a little odd, but I was wondering if you would dye my hair pink today?…Instead of the blond?”

“I haven’t been given permission to change the colour,” she told him simply as she walked forwards to the countertop and started taking things out to go through the necessary steps of dying it.

“Please?” He gave her another smile, trying his very best to charm her for Alex. He craved to see the post on her blog about his hair being pink; he wanted to hear about it in their chat. He wanted to imagine her smile. “We’re filming a music video soon and I think it would work better than blonde.”

“Aish, you’re being so picky today,” she sighed and put the developer down on the counter and then looked towards the door. “Okay, I’ll go check with the manager. No promises.”

“No promises,” he repeated after her, a wider smile on his face. He sighed and relaxed a little when she walked away from him, bringing his phone back to his face while promptly ignoring the quirked brown Namjoon sent his way.

Alex was tagged in another challenge to post a selfie right after she had answered the questions Yoongi had sent her from the list, asking if she had ever considered plastic surgery. He didn’t ask because he wanted to know if she had ever altered her face, but just because he thought her stance on it might be interesting. Her answer was more personal than he had expected.

I think at some point in their life, everyone has considered changing themselves…every time I wanted to turn to cosmetic surgery, it was because I was impatient to lose weight, lose the fat off my neck that makes me hate taking selfies. It was because I was insecure about the way people looked at me. I never let myself do more than just think about it though; there are too many risks, surgeons can fuck up your face for good. And there is something about the idea of working hard to get the same result that appeals to me. I want to be able to say I worked hard to get my body to be what I want it to be.

 

He wanted her to know that she was just fine the way she was, she didn’t need to worry about the opinion from the outside but he knew that wouldn’t do much of anything. She was going to worry about the outside; insecurities didn’t go away just because one person said you shouldn’t feel that way. It could take her a lifetime to start feeling okay with herself and no one could speed up that process but her. But still, he wanted to try and make her feel better, he just wasn’t sure how.

Yoongi looked at her picture and saw someone that he would describe as looking warm. Her smile looked kind, her eyes showed no signs of coldness. Everything about her just seemed approachable, like she’d be the most supportive friend a person could ever have and there was something undeniably beautiful about that. For someone that he knew was regularly depressed, she looked so fucking alive and that was probably the most attractive thing about her to him. It made him feel like she was fighting, refusing to give up, and he wanted to tell her over and over again how beautiful that made her.

Instead, he’d just ask her how her day was. Surely that was a decent way to start.

[Sent at 11:21 AM]: alex how your day was?

Yoongi realised right after he sent it that he fucked up the order of things and was quick to fix his mistakes, his cheeks gaining a tinge of pink to their normal colour. It wasn’t that he felt she’d judge him for the mistake, it was just that he felt he shouldn’t be making simple ones like that anymore. It made him feel like he was taking three steps backward in his progression. He looked around the room, making sure no one had noticed the hint of the blush on his cheeks and wondered about where his stylist went. He shook his head and looked down at his screen again, trying to figure out how to express aigoo in English and then giving up, pretty sure Alex would know what it means.

[Sent at 11:22 AM]: 아이고. how was your day?

[Received at 11:22 AM]: Hehe. It was good. Don’t worry about the mistake, I understood.

[Received at 11:22 AM]: You’re getting better with your English by the way. 잘했어요.

With just a few words, Alex had made him go from feeling embarrassed to bashful. This whole time he hadn’t realised he had been looking for her approval; he knew he had wanted to talk to her so badly but he had no idea he had the craving to see her acknowledge that he was trying his best. Now that he saw those words, and especially that she had taken the time to use his own language to tell him that he did well, he just felt lighter.

[Sent at 11:23 AM]: thank you. how good did you do on you test? the language one?

She had expressed some concern about taking a test in her class that was centered around helping her learn how to teach English to other people. Yoongi knew she had taken the test earlier in the day. While it was close to noon for him right now, it meant it was a couple hours away from midnight for her. She hadn’t written anything to him about how she had done, so he worried a little that maybe the news wasn’t very good.

[Received at 11:25 AM]: Okay, I was waiting for you to say hello to tell you because I wanted to tell you this first. I know I did really well on the test and I also know that this particular professor is going to be making recommendations for certain students in the program to study abroad next year. One of the locations available is Seoul and I am really excited because I think I have a good chance to be recommended if I keep up these kinds of marks.

[Received at 11:26 AM]: It means I am going to have to work my ass off throughout the fall and winter terms and keep my marks very high, but I think I can do it, August. I might actually be able to get a taste of my dream if I keep ahead of my work. I feel really…hopeful, which is different for me.

[Received at 11:27 AM]: Usually I am so pessimistic about stuff; the glass is half empty, don’t get your hopes up and you can’t get disappointed, that kind of stuff, you know? But this is different. I feel different. I feel like I have a chance, August.

[Received at 11:27 AM]: Omg, I’m sorry I rambled there. I got excited. (ಥ_ಥ)

Yoongi smiled, seeing the flood of text and then bit his lip. It used to overwhelm him whenever she’d send a huge chunk of text, but now it was just something he associated with her. He wasn’t sure it would feel like talking to Alex if she didn’t do that. He lifted his head, sweeping the room with his gaze once more and then quickly typed something to Alex before he set his phone down to see what his stylist was going to do now that she had returned.

[Sent at 11:28 AM]: hold on. i read soon.

Yoongi looked up at Mrs. Kim with hopeful eyes, his stomach twisting slightly into a knot as he waited in anticipation for her answer. He chose not to ask outright and now he was wondering if that was a mistake; three seconds felt like a minute each.

She gave him a little smile and lifted up a tube of dye, seeing the colour was labeled as ‘fuchsia.’ Yoongi gave her his gummy smile and then settled into his chair again, imagining all the things Alex was going to say.

“Thank you,” he told her quietly, flicking his eyes up to her's through the mirror.

“You’re welcome,” she told him as she got to work. She was immediately quiet as she began to fuss with his hair and he decided to go back to what he was doing while she worked.

Yoongi looked down at his phone and began to translate through everything, switching back and forth between tabs on his phone, which proved to be a pain in the ass like it always was. Section by section his smile kept getting bigger until it was taking up most of his face. He could practically feel how excited she was through her words. She might be able to come study abroad for a year and he realised that he wanted it for her. He began typing to her in return almost immediately, wanting to share in the excitement.

[Sent at 11:34 AM]: that is good news! i hope you get that. you would have fun.

[Received at 11:34 AM]: This means I am probably going to have to get a Korean tutor. I don’t necessarily need it to go but my chances of selection are a lot higher for Seoul if I actually speak, read and write well in Korean.

Yoongi didn’t even have to think about it. He was offering to help her before he even realised what he was doing. Before he even considered his own schedule.

[Sent at 11:35 AM]: i help if you want. we can talk in korean sometimes. just korean. okay?

[Received at 11:35 AM]: I’m nervous all of a sudden…what if you don’t understand me?

Yoongi actually laughed and looked at his phone with a raised eyebrow. He shook his head and bit his lip, trying his best not to word what he wanted to say sarcastically. The last thing he wanted Alex thinking is that he was making fun of her.

[Sent at 11:37 AM]: alex i talk to you in english always. i know you dont laugh at me. right? i wont laugh at you. even if you make all mistakes. i wont laugh. i help.

[Received at 11:37 AM]: You’re right, August. Sorry. I get kind of anxious sometimes. Okay, How about to start three days a week we will talk only in Korean?

He smiled to himself, feeling like his stomach was fluttering very slightly. The idea of her learning his language to talk to him with it made him feel…different. It was more than just communication, it was understanding. He loved the idea that they might be able to understand each other in different ways and find a way to fill in all the gaps. And, in a year, Alex might be coming to Seoul.

His stomach flipped at that because the truth of the matter spilled over him like ice-cold water: even if Alex did come to Seoul, even if she did manage to get through all of the obstacles she had spoken of and was picked to go, he would never be able to meet her. Because Suga of BTS wasn’t supposed to be talking to fans in his spare time and fantasizing about meeting them for coffee. He wasn’t supposed to be imagining the way they would smile when he told the lamest joke on the planet or the light blush on their cheeks as they laughed anyway. He wasn’t supposed to want to be their friend.

But Min Yoongi wanted to be hers and he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was already trying to figure out some way they could meet and he could explain everything to her. He had to squash it out. He had to cut off contact now. He had to give his phone to his manager and let them scrub it clean, block tumblr, and never let him think about Alex again.

And yet, he kept typing anyways, ignoring every logical thought that screamed at him to stop. Nothing about this was logical anymore. Fuck, nothing about it had ever been logical. Plus, logical had always been more of Namjoon’s specialty anyways. Making up his mind he simply decided he didn’t give a fuck. He wanted to keep talking to her and so he was going to and if she came to Seoul, he would meet her too.

Alex wasn’t just a fan anymore. She was his friend.

[Sent at 11:38 AM]: if you do get to come here, i want to meet you.

[Received at 11:39 AM]: I was literally just typing the same thing.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

It was the day after their concert in Yeouido and Yoongi was eager to check Alex’s blog. It was around noon, which meant she had to have seen something regarding the concert already. Today he was working in the studio with some of the producers who normally helped with the album, but he was sitting back on the couch while they spoke with Namjoon over a track for the new album, one that was particularly important to him called Whalien 52. Yoongi gladly took this time that the three of them were distracted to check Alex’s blog and maybe even see if she was still awake. It was a school night for her, seeing as it was still Thursday night where she lived so he wondered if she would be awake. Knowing her sleeping habits, he had a suspicion she might be.

He logged onto the app and was immediately greeted by the notification that he had messages in his inbox. Curiously, he opened them and saw they were all from her…and she was typing in caps. The first time he had seen that it had thrown him off because there was no concept of capital or lowercase letters in the Korean alphabet but, after a while, he had grown used to what it meant.

[Received at 11:21 AM]: Okay please don’t think lowly of me but I am going nuts. I NEED to talk to someone about this and normally I would talk to Jess but she is studying for a midterm right now and I cannot disturb her with this. So yeah, sorry in advance.

[Received at 11:22 am]: OKAY SO MIN FUCKING YOONGI DYED HIS HAIR PINK AGAIN, AUGUST. I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN NON-STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANT IT LATELY AND HE DID IT.

[Received at 11:22 am]: I HAVE BEEN MADE UNREASONABLY HAPPY BY THIS AND I FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID. I SHOULD NOT BE SO IMPACTED BY SOME SOUTH KOREAN MAN, THAT I DON’T EVEN KNOW, DYING HIS HAIR PINK. BUT OH BOY, HERE I AM. HAHA.

[Received at 11:22 am]: I AM SMILING SO MUCH AND JUST GIDDY HAPPY BECAUSE HE LOOKS REALLY PRETTY WITH PINK HAIR. I ALSO LOVE THE BLUE COAT THING HE WAS WEARING BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. BUT YEAH, I AM A PATHETIC LONELY GIRL WHO GETS HAPPY WHEN SOMEONE I HAVE NO REAL CONNECTION TO AT ALL DYES THEIR HAIR. PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME I HAD TO GET THIS OUT TO SOMEONE. OKAY THANK YOU.

[Received at 12:06 PM]: Hehe. Please don’t pay attention to any of that, I had a mental breakdown of some sort.

[Received at 12:06 PM]: No wait. Better excuse:

[Received at 12:06 PM]: That wasn’t me. It was my evil twin…Xela.

Yoongi laughed but no sound really left his mouth. Instead, he just clapped his hands together once and then shook his head slightly. Both Namjoon and the producers who they were working with looked back at him but he didn’t particularly care. They probably thought he had watched a funny video and he was okay with that, even if it did make him look slightly unfocused. It was better than them knowing he was talking to someone and actually being unfocused. However, Yoongi knew by the look on Namjoon’s face, the way his eyebrow was slightly quirked and his eyes were set into a knowing gaze, that his groupmate was well aware of what was truly happening. Yoongi gave him a little smile, not feeling threatened or worried in the least and then looked back down at his phone, rereading everything she had written so he could start formulating a response.

What she had written was beyond his understanding, but it wasn’t like he had never been confronted by it before; he had grown accustomed to people getting emotional because they were overwhelmed. He had just never experienced that feeling of choking up because of a celebrity so it didn’t completely make sense to him. However, Alex being herself, ended the spiel with the lame humor he was used to and he loved it just as much as any other time she had delivered it.  

What Yoongi found particularly amusing was the fact that she kept specifying she had no connection with him. He wished he could tell Alex, let her know that she wasn’t as insane as she thought, but it was not something he could even consider doing. Friend or not, he was not that stupid and he’d be ruining a good thing. Not to mention, she’d probably tell other people and cause a scandal; he wasn’t willing to let this situation blow up in the face of the other members when he was the only one of them actually involved.

For now, he let himself be amused by the irony and focused on typing out a response to everything here. He figured that simple was best for this and began swiping his thumbs across the keyboard, typing a little faster than he used to. It was nice considering his typing speed had been like a snail.

[Sent at 12:09 PM]: i saw nothing.

[Sent at 12:09 PM]: but hello xela. it’s nice to meet you.

[Received at 12:09 PM]: Hehe. You’re great, August. Thank you. Xela is gone, so it’s just you and me now~

Yoongi’s stomach tingled slightly at her words. It wasn’t quite the feeling of butterflies fluttering around, it was lighter than that. Instead, it was more like the fleeting brush of their wings against him that caused a shiver. He wasn’t quite sure why her emphasising that it was just them made him react like that. So, he chalked it up to being leftovers from the amusement she had brought him a few minutes ago and left it at that. It definitely wasn’t the crush on her that he knew he had.

[Sent at 12:10 PM]: your not so bad either

[Received at 12:10 PM]: Why thank you~~ ^_^

[Received at 12:11 PM]: Oooh! Make a wish! 11:11!

What the hell did 11:11 mean? Why did he have to make a wish? He wasn’t sure but he did it immediately because she asked him to, closing his eyes and making a small wish. When he opened them again, he smiled slightly to himself and looked up before he began to type, noticing Namjoon observing him with a thoughtful gaze. His friend smiled at him, almost like he knew something Yoongi didn’t, and then pointed at something on the computer in front of him, speaking lowly to the producers about layering.

[Sent at 12:13 PM]: ok. i did, but why? what does 11:11 mean?

[Received at 12:13 PM]: You don’t know about 11:11? I’m not really sure why it’s special, but here whenever you look at a clock and see the time is 11:11, it’s considered a special time that you can make a wish on.

Yoongi smiled to himself slightly, knowing that was superstitious as fuck but also knowing there was no harm in believing in it or acting on it. It was kind of cute when he imagined it, the picture of her closing her eyes tightly for just a moment and holding her breath while she thought of her wish. Again, he felt that slight flutter and he bit his lip, his heart beating just a little faster but not quick enough for him to feel like his blood was rushing. It was just enough to allow him to notice it.

[Sent at 12:14 PM]: what did you wish?  

[Received at 12:14 PM]: I can’t tell you! It won’t come true then. But I think you know me well enough that you could probably guess.~

He smiled sarcastically and started typing, biting his lip as he did. He heard the little whoosh sound of his message being sent and turned down the volume, not wanting to disturb the others and then reread his own message. It was like a slow build, his heartbeats slowly becoming more noticeable before he could feel his heart pushing against his ribcage, throbbing. It wasn’t unpleasant; if anything, he liked the slight rush.

[Sent at 12:15 PM]: to meet min yoongi? aka genius.

[Received at 12:16 PM]: Haha. Very funny, tease me. But no, for your information, meeting him was not what I wished for. :P

He laughed, knowing he deserved that for the shameless promotion of his own ego. He started typing again, trying to think of what it might be. Truly, he knew Alex wanted many things, so he was going to list a few. It took him what felt like absolutely forever to type out and he hoped that she wouldn’t mind, not that she ever did.

[Sent at 12:20 PM[: i have some ideas. it is either a affordable apartment. finical stability. the change of school institution. waffles made by your mom. getting choosed for the study abroad. a fluffy cat. meeting me. your cinema to bring back the old frozen yogurt place they kicked out. or to watch all the harry potter movies with jess?

[Received at 12:21 PM]: I can say it’s in there somewhere~ ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

[Received at 12:21 PM]: As for the movie marathon, Harry Potter was definitely a good call but tbh I am a lot more likely to marathon Lord of the Rings. They’re my favouriteee.

[Sent at 12:22 PM]:  never heard of it.

[Received at 12:22]: Omg howwwww?? It’s only one of my favourite works of fiction, right up there with the Song of Ice and Fire and Harry Potter. If I do get to study abroad, we are watching Lord of the Rings! It’s incredibly dorky and nerdy but the cinematography is amazing and the themes of friendship and loyalty are brilliant. 10/10 stars!

Yoongi smiled, just seemed how fucking excited she was about it and sharing that with him. So he decided, even though there was no guarantee they’d ever meet, that he would make sure he didn’t watch it or come in contact with those movies until she got to show him. Even if the movies were incredibly dorky, he wanted to see what made her happy. He wanted to see her happy.

[Sent at 12:23 PM]: ok we watch it together. i warn you, if it is a long movie, i might sleep.

[Received at 12:23 PM]: I won’t hold that against you. I’m excited now. ^_^

[Received at 12:23 PM]: What did you wish for~?

Yoongi smiled to himself and shook his head. He wanted to say that he couldn’t believe she had just finished telling him she couldn't tell him her wish, or else it wouldn't come true, only to ask him the same question directly after. But he couldn’t. It had her personality written all over it, playful and slightly mischievous.  

[Sent at 12:24 PM]: cant say what. but nice try.

[Received at 12:24 PM]: You can’t blame me for being curious. Hehe. I hope it comes true though.

In truth, he had wished to see her smile in person. He wanted to talk with her, he wanted her to come to Korea so he could meet her for coffee. He wanted to hear what her laugh sounded like. In reality, he had made many little wishes in one instead of letting himself make the bigger wishes in his mind that involved her.

“Hey Yoongi, we need you to listen to this,” one of the producers spoke up, not looking away from the screen as he finished messing with one of the settings on a layer.

Yoongi looked up at him and nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a second.”

He turned back to his phone and smiled at her answer, working his thumbs as quickly as they’d go to say goodbye to her until next time. He bit his lip as he did and then reread it before he hit send. He cautiously waited another minute for her reply before he went over to them.

[Sent at 12:25 PM]: my break is over. i got to go back to work now. next time we talk tell me about the other books and movies you mention. i want to read about it.

[Received at 12:25 PM]: Okay! Have a good day at work. I will be going to sleep now.

[Received at 12:26 PM]: Oh, and August, I really love talking to you. Thank you for being an amazing friend.

Yoongi smiled as he looked down at her message, taking the time to type out one last thing before he got to work while his stomach did tumbles.

[Sent at 12:26 PM]: im happy i met you alex. talk later.

Chapter Text

It was finally the first of November, which was perhaps the day Yoongi had been looking forwards too almost as much as the day after the concert when he had dyed his hair pink again. A part of him always felt sneaky when he played these tricks on Alex, though they weren’t really tricks. He wasn’t really fucking with her mind by reading her wishes and then making them happen. He was just causing some odd coincidences to happen. Weird. Totally not fucking with her.

He had been buzzing with energy practically all day and, while it was getting late as he waited to hear from Alex, the energy didn’t fall off. He wouldn’t allow himself to sleep, which even he realised was uncharacteristic of himself. Yoongi didn’t want to risk Jin catching him up late at night again talking with Alex, so he laid on the living room floor, holding his phone over his head and scrolled through her blog while he waited for her to make an appearance. He was dying to know what she had thought of him dressing up as Naruto for Halloween. He wanted to see the way she freaked out, just like the way she had when she had discovered his hair was pink again.

In the meantime he looked through her posts, reading them curiously. The first he had missed was a translation post for that tweet he made about licking a bath bomb. He laughed sheepishly as he remembered it, but there was this part of him that wished people would forget that he had actually been curiously enough to lick it and then stupid enough to post about it on social media. He couldn’t say that he had expected people to let him live it down and yet there he was years later reading about it again and asking himself why they remembered that one pesky fact about him. However, despite that, Alex’s tags amused him nonetheless.

#every time i read about this it equally causes me a great deal of second hand embarrassment, #and also makes me giggle so fucking hard, #how did he do this?, #how did he not realise that he probably shouldnt STICK A BATH BOMB IN HIS MOUTH?, #Min Yoongi you amuse me so fucking much, #thank you for existing you weird and wonderful human being, #suga sweet

Technically speaking he hadn’t put it in his mouth. He had put his tongue on it, which was out of his mouth. A part of him wished he could tell her that. Yoongi wished he could joke around with her about it. But once again he was in a situation where he couldn’t do that. At least not yet.

Yoongi set his phone down on his stomach and sighed, looking up at the ceiling. All the lights were turned out, but it wasn’t pitch black either; the light of the moon peeked through the window and lit up the ceiling above him. He stared at it as he let his mind wander, tracing the patterns of the shadows when they met the subtle light.

Yoongi bit his lip as he thought about the fact that there were so many things he wanted to talk to Alex about. So many things he wanted to discuss with her that were completely based on her tags. The number of inside jokes they could have would rival any friendship and the thought made his stomach tumble a little. He wanted that. He wanted that with her.

Yoongi scrambled to his feet and walked into the kitchen, the sound of his steps padding across the tiled floor in his ears louder than normal with the abundance of silence from the night. He opened one of the drawers that wasn’t dedicated to the use of kitchen equipment; inside it was just junk or whatever someone felt like putting in there. For Yoongi, he had thrown a little notebook in there about a year ago and forgotten about it. He smiled when he caught sight of it, taking it out. However, what the drawer lacked was something that perhaps made the most sense to be kept there.

He pushed his hand through his faded blond hair and looked around the kitchen, hoping to spot a pen somewhere. His eyes, small compared to the size of his face, were drawn to the marker attached to the little white-board they had on the fridge. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than nothing. He took it off the hook with a satisfying click and then made his way back to the living room. He laid on his stomach, sticking his feet in the air while he set his phone on the floor and opened the notebook to a fresh page.

He wrote on the top of the page, marker making a slight squeaking noise as it glided across the paper. The sharp sound made him scrunch up his nose but he powered through it, placing a simple title at the top that he sloppily underlined: ‘things to talk about with Alex.’ Yoongi smiled a little to himself in satisfaction and then wrote the symbol for one and then his first idea next to it.

1.       Bath Bombs.

That was a good place to start; he could tell her that he, in fact, didn’t put it in his mouth. He bit his lip, stopping himself from smiling before he moved onto the next idea he had. He swung his feet slightly as he wrote, feeling slightly giddy that he was actually making plans for when she got to Korea, even if it wasn’t one-hundred percent for-sure that she would. But he couldn’t stop himself. He just couldn’t get the idea of getting coffee with her out of his head. Not to mention that the idea of looking into her eyes as his heartbeat sped up lingered right next to it.

Yoongi closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying to get the idea of slowly leaning towards her and kissing her out of his head. Just friends. Even if he wanted to hear her call him her boyfriend. Even if he wanted to kiss her.

Fuck it. He was already waist-deep into the lake of things he shouldn’t be thinking about or doing, so why not just dive at this point?

2.       Kisses.

Okay, maybe he shouldn’t jump right to that for the second topic.

    2.   Kisses. Coffee.

But that didn’t mean it couldn’t be the third topic.

3.       Kisses.

Yoongi smiled so wide that his gums showed. He switched back to his phone to come up with more ideas to add to the list, feeling inspired. By the time that Alex actually got to Korea in April, if she was actually able to come, he would surely have a bunch of topics listed for them to speak about. He knew they’d range from serious to silly, but he liked that idea. He liked that he felt they could talk about anything and it wouldn’t be awkward.

He returned to looking at her blog, finding the next post up. The post made his heart flutter a little, in a really good way. Yoongi reread it several times. A fan had written that he wasn’t lazy, worthless, or untalented. They wrote that he deserved reassurance, happiness, love, and recognition. It made him feel light that someone wrote that. There were people who cared that much about him and it made him feel even lighter when he realised that it had thousands of notes. Yoongi jumped down to the bottom of the post to read Alex’s tags and then smiled to himself, biting his lip.

#i will actually fight anyone who says otherwise, #and i mean F I G H T, #he is such a sweet person, #let him live his life ok, #srsly

 

She was always so quick to his defense and a part of him couldn’t believe it. Alex was kind and he loved that about her, but she was also fierce. He wondered if she would talk the same way about August. He got the feeling her reaction would be even stronger just by the way she talked about her friend, Jess.

It still blew him away that she had managed to learn about him and BTS from what might as well have been another world away. The power of the internet was insane and it made his head spin a little bit to consider that in a span of forty or so years out of the entire time of humanity, people had gained so much access to information. Somehow, in this little spot of time, she had found him and he had found her. He couldn't help but think that was important. 

Yoongi ignored the fluttery feeling in his stomach and focused on his list. He tried to think of what he could talk to her about after bath bombs, coffee, and kisses. What was a natural progression? He bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling for a moment before he began writing once more.  

4.      Feelings and stuff. 

…

Yoongi had fallen asleep on the floor sometime after the fifteenth idea but woke up from the ‘swoop’ sound his phone emitted. He groggily looked at the screen and saw it was three-thirty AM. He opened Tumblr and saw a fresh message from Alex highlighted. He wiped at his eyes, and a bit of the drool on the side of his face, and began typing. He wanted to pretend like he was taken aback by the fact that he wasn’t grumpy she had woken him up, but he knew better. He didn’t think her waking him could every feel irritating. Not when he treasured reading her messages so much.

[Received at 3:32 AM]: AUGUST. AUGUSTAUGUSTAUGUST. I KNOW YOU’RE SLEEPING BUT YOONGI DRESSED UP AS NARUTO FOR HALLOWEEN OMFG.

He smiled and rubbed at his eyes again, always amused when she typed in all capital letters. He began to type out his answer but before he could even get a couple words in, more messages were coming from her. Yoongi couldn’t pretend to be surprised.

[Received at 3:33 AM]: I KNOW THIS SEEMS WEIRD TO FREAK OUT ABOUT BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. NARUTO WAS LIKE MY GUILTY PLEASURE ALL THROUGHOUT MIDDLE AND HIGH SCHOOL.

[Received at 3:33 AM]: AND HE JUST HAD TO GO REMIND ME OF THAT. BUT OMG I LOVED IT SO MUCH HE LOOKED LIKE SUCH A FREAKING DORK.

[Received at 3:34 AM]: I AM JUST GLAD THAT ONLY YOU ARE SEEING ME FREAK OUT LIKE A DUMBASS. OH AND JESS TOO. BUT YEAH JUST YOU TWO.

[Received at 3:34 AM]: JESUS HOW EMBARRASSING WOULD IT BE IF HE SAW PEOPLE LIKE ME FREAKING OUT LIKE THIS. LMAO SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT PLZ & THANKS.

He straight up laughed at the situation he was in. Never in his life did Yoongi think he would wake up at three-thirty am to someone frankly freaking the fuck out about him dressing up as Naruto. And yet, he supposed that is why he loved talking to Alex. Especially when she would say things about how she would be appalled if Min Yoongi ever knew. It just made him smile and he couldn’t wait to tell her that he would dress up as whatever the hell she wanted him too if she always got this damn happy and excited about it.

[Sent at 3:35 AM]: hi alex. not sleeping anymore. its nice to talk to you.

[Sent at 3:36 AM]: i saw. his hair looked funny like that.

[Received at 3:36 AM]: I shamelessly loved every picture. Hehe. I’m a knob, please don’t judge me.

[Sent at 3:37 AM]: never.

[Received at 3:36 AM]: The only way he could have hit me harder with all of this would either be dressing up as Sesshomaru or Byakuya Kuchiki. He would have stolen my soul.

Yoongi smiled to himself. While he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to those two, there was always the option of plushies he could hold and take pictures with. It would be too suspicious if he dressed up as either of them now, but there were always other things he could do for the same effect. Not that Alex would actually believe he had somehow found out, even if she had been talking to a mysterious stranger named August who had a lot of the same interests as Min Yoongi. That was all just a coincidence.

[Received at 3:37 AM]: I know you have an early morning tomorrow, August. You always do. Go get some rest and I will wake up early to talk to you tomorrow, okay? <3

He sighed, feeling happy just by that little heart she added. Truthfully, she was right. He needed to sleep, no matter how much he wanted to talk to her. There would always be tomorrow and the day after that.

[Sent at 3:38 AM]: ok. i will go to sleep. you get rest tonight. will talk tomorrow.

Yoongi bit his lip and felt his stomach flutter a little, butterflies tickling the sides. He gulped and then added a little heart to his message, like she had, before he sent it. He gathered his notebook and then dragged himself to a standing position, stumbling a little from being sleepy. Laying on the floor did that to him. He brought the marker back to its place on the white-board and clicked it back into place before he looked down at his phone again, hearing the sound of a message.

[Received at 3:40 AM]: Sleep well. ^_^

He smiled, more than positive that he would. He headed back to his bedroom and let his eyes fall onto his bed with a sigh. When he collapsed on it, he hardly was able to cover his body or set his phone and notebook down before his eyes were shutting and sleep was washing over him.

Chapter Text

The days had started to fly by and Yoongi had only begun to feel even more comfortable with Alex. Talking happened every day now, as often as they could. Every moment he could squeeze space into his schedule that he wasn’t sleeping, he was using to talk to her. He wasn’t really sure what to make of how he felt about her but he knew it was something risky. There was a difference between the idea of being friends with a fan and potentially trying to date a fan. It was opening a whole other can of worms. However, he put it on the back burner. He would worry about it tomorrow and the day after that. Just not right now, not while he was trying to talk to Alex.

Her Korean was slowly improving, just like the way he imagined she thought of his English. She made simple mistakes and he did his best to point them out and help her understand what she should be doing. There were a couple of conversations that came out of it which had made her laugh, like the time he tried to point out a mistake in her sentence and then just settled to tell her it was “all wrong” when she asked what. The one thing he noticed when they spoke in Korean is that it took her very long to reply, like she triple checked the sentence she had written, ran it through every translator she could possibly think of, and then sent it to him. Alex was stubborn though, she always committed her mistakes to memory and did her best not to repeat them. Yoongi had a good feeling that she definitely made a good contender for the recommendation she sought to be able to come to Korea and learn.

As it approached the end of November, Yoongi grew very excited knowing the new album was going to drop. Alex had expressed her excitement to him many times and she had also said she was even a little scared. He didn’t exactly understand her reasoning, but he was willing to listen to her try to explain it again.

Yoongi leaned towards the window of the car that drove them to their next schedule, avoiding the stuffy flow of heat coming from the vents in the front. Having hot air blown directly on his face always bothered him and made him want to crinkle his nose. Fortunately, leaning against the window, not only sheltered him from the onslaught of stuffy air but also kept his phone out of the prying eyes of his fellow groupmates. Not that any of them but Namjoon would really be able to understand anyway.

[Sent at 1:21 PM]: why are you scared? its new music from BTS. they your favourite. right?

[Received at 1:21 PM]: I guess I just have those normal fan-jitters. I’m scared I won’t like the new music that much, but more than that I am scared if I don’t it will somehow mean I am not as much of a fan as I said I was. People can be really harsh on this website.

Yoongi raised his eyebrow at her words, not quite understanding where the worry was. He was flattered that Alex wanted to like everything they released, but it just wasn’t practical. There was no need to force herself to enjoy something because that wasn’t truly enjoying it.

[Sent at 1:23 PM]: you dont have to like everything they record. thats silly. like what you like. let the people say what they want.

[Received at 1:23 PM]: You are a constant source of good advice, August. I’ll try my best to ignore the anxiety.

Yoongi was just about to type out some reply about how he knew that when Jimin suddenly popped his head through the gap in the seats. He could have jumped out of his skin and immediately hit the lock button on his phone to turn his screen black. Jimin draped his hand over his shoulder and gave him a big smile.

“So, when do we get to meet her?” He asked curiously, eyes big. He let out a little giggle as he glanced at Taehyung and then back to Yoongi. “It’s not like we’d be a big shock to her. It’s kind of public knowledge we all live together.”

But it would be a shock to her; she didn’t have a single clue that he was really Min Yoongi. Alex wasn’t his girlfriend and wouldn’t be meeting anyone else but himself. He just hoped that once they met they could continue to be friends and she wouldn’t suddenly start treating him differently.  

Yoongi shook out of his train of thought and looked away from Jimin, out the window, like the passing cars interested him more. “Hopefully never. You’re all too hyper.”

“As if you can’t be hyper too!” Jimin accused, his tone indicating he was a lot more amused than he was offended. “Oh please. You’re Suga of BTS. I think she knows what comes along with that.”

Taehyung nodded along with Jimin and Yoongi suddenly felt ganged up on and a little guilty. Was it wrong of him to lie to Alex like this? He was just letting her go on without a clue, not even offering her a warning of what she was getting into? She didn’t know who he was and she was telling him her secrets while believing that he was someone named August. A feeling of uncertainty washed through him but he was quick to remind himself that this was the way it had to be. He liked to tell himself that she would understand.

“Jimin, stop bugging him,” Namjoon said in a quiet tone, glancing towards the manager who was having a conversation with the other in the front seats while he drove. “And stop talking about it.”

Jimin glanced in the same direction and nodded his head. “Right, okay.” He giggled a little bit again while looking at Yoongi before he sat back in his seat properly. He immediately struck up a conversation with Jungkook and Taehyung about a movie they had watched the night before.

Namjoon offered Yoongi an apologetic smile and then went back to the book he had been reading. Yoongi sighed and felt like he had sunk slightly into the seat of the van. He cast his eyes out the window again, watching the stretch of road they traveled on before he deemed it was safe enough to take out his phone again.

[Sent at 1:35 PM]: sorry. i had to talk to a person i work with.

[Received at 1:36 PM]: It’s alright! I am just catching up on Game of Thrones so I don’t mind.

He had heard of Game of Thrones just because of its sheer popularity around the world but he hadn’t ever seen it. He wasn’t even sure what it was about. All he knew was that apparently everyone died.

[Sent at 1:36 PM]: do you like it a lot?

[Received at 1:37 PM]: The show is alright but because I’ve read all the books, some things bug me out. I’m one of those people who like when things are adapted faithfully. As the seasons have gone on that isn’t happening as much so it leaves me a little disappointed. However, the books are amazing. A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin.

[Received at 1:37 PM] Sorry I kind of rambled there. Yes, I really like it. Hehe. ^_^

[Sent at 1:39 PM]: its okay. i like reading your opinion.

Yoongi bit his lip as he read through their messages, his mind not truly on their conversation. He couldn’t stop thinking about the idea that he was lying to Alex. She was honest with him, told him some of her most personal stories and, in return, she hardly knew anything about him. Yoongi had been fairly sketchy in a lot of the details he gave her, though he hadn’t exactly outright lied either. Letting her get to know him was like a double-edged sword; the more facts he spouted, the more clues he was giving her about his real identity.

She knew he was an artist, but she thought he wrote poetry. She knew he had an older brother but she didn’t know their real family name; he had told her Kim just to be safe. Alex knew he loved meat above all other foods. She knew he listened to hip-hop and that he had been depressed before. She knew his birthday was in March and that he adored photography and coffee. He had told her about being close with his mother and how he was very close to some friends he had for years.

Alex truly knew the broad strokes of his life but she had no idea all of it was linked back to him and that felt wrong, somehow. It was all a bunch of half-truths, things he told with a hint of a lie or details completely left out. Despite how dishonest he felt, he knew that while Alex had been open and honest with him, he just couldn’t afford to offer her the same luxury. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Yoongi looked up away from his phone, towards Hoseok and Namjoon who sat in the same row with him. They were both quiet, Hoseok listening to some beats through his earbuds, the base very subtlety pulsing from the device; Yoongi could only really hear it because he was listening for it. Namjoon was still reading, fingers gently moving across the page he had finished while he read the next.

Yoongi had no doubt in his mind that this is where he wanted to be. He wouldn’t change anything about how he met the six others he called his friends or wish to be anywhere else besides in the van with them. BTS was his life and he loved it. He loved the stage, he loved helping other people with his music. He loved being able to share his ideas.

But if he could change something, he would change when he met Alex…rewind just a little so he had met her before he joined Bighit as a trainee. She could have grown into the fame with him. She could have been there with him every step of the way, encouraging him. Hell, maybe she could have even been sitting in this van with him, laughing with Jimin or talking to Namjoon about his book. She could have been a part of his life without much consequence.  

If things had been different, he wouldn’t feel like he had to choose one or the other. He wouldn’t feel like it would be best to forget about her and move on. He wouldn’t feel like he was setting her up to get hurt.

Yoongi took in an unsteady breath and looked back down at his phone. He opened his app centre, located the icon for Tumblr and then held his thumb over it until a little red ‘uninstall’ notification appeared at the top of the screen. All he had to do was get rid of Tumblr and then Alex would be gone. He dragged it there while his heart squirmed inside his chest, like someone was trying to tie a knot around it. He let the app hover, not letting it go, feeling anxious and sick.  

He could picture her clearly in his head. The smile he had come to love wilted into a frown while her anxiety supplied all the possible reasons she could have driven him away. No matter how much he wanted to cut her off for her sake, he knew that if he followed through with deleting the app and disappearing, it would only serve to hurt her more than anything else that the future had in store for them. And he couldn’t do that to her.

Yoongi dragged the app back where it belonged and let go of the screen, sighing. He heard a little ping and opened their conversation, checking the new message she had sent him, a sad kind of curiosity urging him to do so because, no matter what he told himself, he wanted to talk to her. He had a feeling that even if he tried to drag himself away, he’d always find his way back to her blog, seeking to read her words and to see her face. A part of him didn’t truly believe he would be able to move on even if he truly tried.

[Received at 1:45 PM]: I just suddenly began to feel really intensely sad and depressed. I have no idea why. I just feel this extreme kind of displacement…like I don’t belong here. So, here I am, bothering you again.

[Received at 1:46 PM]: You make me feel better, August…you make me feel like I belong somewhere.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

As he expected, Alex was fucking ecstatic about the new album. She was so excited that she was pretty much screaming everything in caps and it just made him feel so happy. Despite how much he had expected it, he could not get over just how warm her reaction made him feel. It was the same kind of warmth that holding a hot mug of tea or cocoa brought when it was freezing outside. It was comforting.

All of her new reblogs were about the album. Despite being so tired from promotions, he liked reading what she thought and he wanted to talk to her about it. Specifically, he wanted to know what she thought of Dead Leaves. He wasn’t so sure why that one stuck out for him, but he remembered writing it just after he saw her blog for the first time. He wanted to know what she thought of it. And so, he was going to ask her.

[Sent at 8:27 PM]: alex~ i see you listen to the new album. what did you think? what you think about suga’s song?

While he waited for her to get back to him, because it was still the early morning for her, he went to read over some of her tags more carefully. He had turned in earlier than everyone else and now he was tucked into bed at 8:30 on the dot, but he didn’t mind. It gave him some privacy to talk to her. Not that he really needed it seeing as none of it was done out loud, but that was beside the point. He just liked not having to worry about anyone asking questions.

Her first three posts were all pretty hyperactive and about him in general. However, her tags on one of them, particularly about Run made him happy. She approved of their willingness to try new sounds and explore music in general and it felt nice to read. Some of their fans didn’t always think that way but Alex was always so open minded to music. They had many discussions and she had told him that she wasn’t unwilling to listen to really anything.

He wanted to ask her more about that. Specifically, he wanted to ask what made her so willing to just enjoy new things without fear or holding herself back by needlessly judging. So, he stood and waddled to his desk, the cold making his legs quiver a little bit. He grabbed his journal and then dashed back into bed, shivering slightly. This was more of something that they could talk about in person, so he’d add it to the list.

The list of topics for conversations with her was more than two pages long now with over thirty-eight ideas written into its margins. The more they talked, the more he got ideas to write down and he was sure by the time Alex actually got to Seoul, if she secured the recommendation, it would be embarrassingly long. But Yoongi didn’t care. He wanted to know her through and through. He wanted to ask her every question he could think of and then some more. He wanted to talk until he couldn’t think of anything else to say and then just hold her afterward. Yoongi had never felt such a desire to know someone so utterly thoroughly.

After he finished writing down the idea, he tapped his pen on the notebook and bit his lip, planning to return to look at more of her blog. However, before he could get far, he heard the familiar sound of the messaging system. He switched over and saw she had replied and smiled to himself before he even read what she said.

[Received at 8:42 PM]: AUGUST, IT’S AMAZING. I LOVE THE ALBUM SO MUCH.

[Received at 8:42 PM]: Hehe. Hello~~

[Received at 8:42 PM]: I am still waiting for mine to come in the mail. I ordered the blue version.

[Sent at 8:43 PM]: hi. what is your favorite song? is it sugas? ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

[Received at 8:43]: Hahaha, very funny there, sir. >_>

[Received at 8:43]: I don’t know which one is my favourite. They’re all so good. T-T

[Received at 8:44]: I do really like 고엽 but between you and me it made me truly sad and I cried a lot when I listened to it.

Immediately upon reading it had made her cry he felt like someone punched him. He frowned as he reread her words, wondering if he missed some kind of hint at the context. Was it happy tears? If anything, he got the impression it was unhappy tears.

Yoongi bit his lip and started to type out a response, thinking of how to phrase what he wanted to ask in a way that didn’t seem intrusive or abrupt only to give up because he was a blunt person. Besides, he knew that they had crossed that thresh-hold already. They were honest with each other and he knew this wasn’t going to be much different. He just didn’t want to risk her crying again.

[Sent at 8:46 PM]: what made you cry?

He felt like someone was squeezing his lungs in his chest while he waited, like it was hard to take in a breath. Truthfully, he waited less than a minute for her reply but it felt so much longer. Yoongi felt like each second was more like ten so by the time the sound finally went off and her words appeared, he felt like he had been holding his breath for too long.

[Received at 8:47 PM]: Because it hit me way too close to home. I’ve been through that…everything that was in that song felt like it smacked me right in the gut.

[Received at 8:48 PM]: I had someone slowly pull away and I watched our love just fall apart. It hurt so fucking badly to see it just die that way. I couldn’t do anything to stop it from happening; it was like I literally watched it slip out of my hands. But still, I tried so hard to save us. I did more than my fucking fair share of trying.

[Received at 8:49 PM]: By the end of the song, I felt like I was surrounded by the feelings that I had when I realised it was over and I cried like a little bitch because of it.

Yoongi read her words and then reread them. He remembered that he felt the way she described when he wrote the song, like something was slipping through his fingers and he couldn’t stop it. Now that she mentioned the way the song made her feel, it was a little bit eerie to recall. He shook the feeling away from his head and then reread her messages again, trying to figure out the best way to reply. But there was no best way. Whenever people told him things like she had, he always had no idea what to say because nothing ever seemed sensitive or good enough. So, he sighed and resigned himself to typing out the first thing that came to mind, even if it was untrue.

[Sent at 8:52 PM]: im sorry it didnt work out.

He had a feeling that if Alex and this person she had been with had worked out, he would have never met her. No matter how much empathy that he felt for the heartache she went through, he wasn’t sorry it was over. But he wanted to give her something meaningful. At least, Yoongi wanted to try to.

[Received at 8:52 PM]: I’m not. Believe me, I am so fucking happy it didn’t work out. Ecstatic even.

[Received at 8:53 PM]: If I was still with her, I’d be miserable. Back then I did forgive her for cheating on me multiple times, but there was no trust left. My own love for her caused me so much anxiety that I would have panic attacks during the night when I couldn’t sleep. I just kept imagining her with other people over and over again. I felt like my heart was ripping itself up in my chest.

[Received at 8:54 PM]: Where was she when I wasn’t with her? Was she getting drunk with her roommate that she promised me she wouldn’t kiss anymore? Was she not letting him take advantage of her, unlike every time they got drunk together? Or was she fucking that girl from college that she fucked while I was at home missing her so badly that I felt homesick? Was she out there somewhere just taking my trust and bending it, seeing how much it could take before it finally snapped in half?

[Received at 8:54 PM]: I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be the suspicious girlfriend who kept her on a tight leash. Clearly, our relationship wasn’t proving to be enough for her anymore. And I was so fucking tired of asking myself why I wasn’t enough to make her want to be with me instead of out with somebody else.

Yoongi swallowed hard as he slowly read through what she said. When he came to the end of it, he just felt a heavy kind of emptiness. He had felt a lot of shitty things in his life, but never this. He couldn’t imagine causing another person this kind of pain so selfishly. There was one thing that he knew for sure after reading all of that and he wanted to say it over and over again to her until she believed it; Alex was enough. The more time he spent talking to her, the more he knew. She would always be enough.

[Sent at 8:57 PM]: alex no one deserves that. it sounds like hell. im sorry you experience that.

Drawing in a deep breath, he looked up at the ceiling. He felt cold suddenly, like the blankets around him weren’t enough. The more he thought about the chill, the more he pictured how hugging her close to his body would chase it away. What would her hair smell like if he pushed his nose into while cuddling? Would she sigh lightly if he gently stroked her back with his fingers? How would she reply if he whispered that she would always be enough for him?

It was the most stupid of sudden realisations. It just crept up to the surface, like the way a blush would come to his cheeks, slowly turning them more and more red. He missed her. Yoongi missed someone he had never met. He missed the feeling of having her in his arms even though he had no idea what it would feel like. He yearned for her and, at that moment, he would never understand the ex who had cheated on her because he had never desired another person like he desired her.

Yoongi knew that if Alex did make it to Seoul, they got to meet, and she agreed to let him kiss her, he would never make the same kind of mistakes that her ex did. He knew, without a doubt, that if she agreed to be a part of his life, he was going to make an effort to always be honest with her. Honest about his feelings, his life at work, his past. He wasn’t going to hide anything from her and it actually sounded kind of nice.

A simple relationship that had the base to last a long time. He wanted it. He wanted it with her. But most of all, he just wanted her to feel like someone valued her, he wanted to give her that kind of security. 

Chapter Text

Yoongi had spaced out from his conversation with Alex, looking at his ceiling thoughtfully while he dreamt about the possibility of a relationship with her. It seemed like it would be as easy as fucking breathing and the more and more he thought about a relationship where he didn’t have to worry about bitterness or jealousy, the more he craved it. The swooping sound from the messenger brought him back to reality and he glanced back down at the screen, readjusting himself to get comfortable so he could continue listening to her story about her ex.

[Received at 9:00 PM]: August, were you the one who sent me the ask about cheating? The one from the list?

Yoongi bit his lip and wondered if he was in trouble. Yes, he had sent the ask separate from his usual questions in hopes that it would make him seem like he wasn’t nosing into something she had briefly discussed with him. And yes, that was a bit dishonest. However, Yoongi had already promised himself he wouldn’t lie to her if he could avoid it, so he wasn’t about to. Truthfully, he had thought that she didn’t suspect him since so much time had gone by.

[Sent at 9:01 PM]: yes. i wanted to know more of how you felt. im sorry.

[Received at 9:01 PM]: No, it’s alright. I just wanted to know if it was you…did I say what you wanted to know?

Yoongi paused to think about it. Was he still curious? That was obvious to him, he wanted to know what she went through. He wanted to know more about the things that made her who she was. He wanted to know her better than any other person could claim to know her.

[Sent at 9:02 PM]: i just want to understand you and what you have been through. i wanted the whole story. what you felt. how you feel now.

[Received at 9:03 PM]: The whole story…alright. I think we know each other well enough for this. I’ll sum it up and maybe talk more about getting through it, cause I think you’ve been able to piece a lot of it together.

[Received at 9:03 PM]: So…I met a girl when I was fourteen. At first, I disliked her. She intimidated me and I was jealous of her. But once I got some preconceived notions of who she was out of my head, we became really fast friends. We spent the next many years as best friends. Close.

[Received at 9:06 PM]: I think on some level I always knew I was bisexual, but she really brought it out on a conscious level and one day I confessed to her. She was unsure at first, but then agreed to try dating. And our relationship went from shy and closeted to serious and long-lasting. We were together for five years, from the time I was seventeen until this year. Her mom hated me, but I didn’t care. I loved her and at the time I had no idea how to love myself, so I poured everything I had into loving her.

[Received at 9:09 PM]: By the time four years went by, I was set on her. Sure as anything that she was my person. We built this whole future together and it gave me security. Even if the worst of the worst happened, she would be there. At the time, I was going through one of my worst episodes of depression. She was the only good thing left.

Right about now, Yoongi was thanking Alex for giving him a bit of time to read between each paragraph and honestly, he was just throwing everything into a translator because he didn’t want to fall behind. It was making him feel much more involved that she gave him the time to read each section.

[Received at 9:12 PM]: No one knew that though. Of course, I kept it well hidden. My other best friend had moved far away and I wasn’t doing well in school. I got caught up in this really fucking disgusting situation with a professor and a serious abuse of power and soon enough I was failing all my classes because I couldn’t get out of bed.

[Received at 9:15 PM]: One day my girlfriend asked me to consider taking some time out of my schedule to meet a friend from college that she was really close with. I wanted to support her, so I put the time aside and agreed to hang out and play pool. I’m not really a social person but I tried my best to seem pleasant and not socially anxious. However, the whole time I was there, this girl gave me some seriously bad vibes. She kept asking me “why can’t we be friends?” and “why don’t you like me?” even though I never said anything of the sort. I assumed that maybe my shyness was a bit extreme and I seemed cold. I even felt bad because I thought I made her feel like she wasn’t likeable. And then two weeks later my ex told me she had cheated on me with that girl.

[Sent at 9:17 PM]: wait wait wait…

Yoongi had to take a second. He really had to fucking wrap his mind around this because, if he understood correctly, Alex’s ex-girlfriend had brought her to meet the girl she had cheated on her with over a friendly game of pool. What the actual fuck? He couldn’t even picture someone actually doing that and he had met some pretty shitty people throughout his life.

[Received at 9:17 PM]: Yeah, you read it right. Whenever I tell someone that this happened, they pretty much have that reaction. I felt sick for a week after I found out. I couldn’t fucking comprehend how someone who said they loved me could put me in that kind of situation. I felt like I was there for their amusement so they could have this inside joke that was like “hehe we fucked and she doesn’t know. *insert high-five here*.” It fucking sucked. I felt used, sick, and humiliated. I’m not even sure if I will ever be able to trust people the same after that.

Anger. He felt a lot of anger and he had some fucking choice words that he wished he could spit at this ex-girlfriend. Whatever was going on behind the scenes that caused her to be dissatisfied could never even shape up to be an excuse large enough to cover such disgusting behavior. He had trouble thinking of a worst way to bring up cheating than what she did.

[Sent at 9:19 PM]: alex i dont think you have to worry about someone doing that again. dont shut people out. it just lets the pain she caused control you.

[Received at 9:20 PM]: You are consistently full of good advice, August. Thank you. Honestly, I think more than anyone else you have taught me that not everyone has bad intentions for me. You are good to me.

Yoongi smiled when he read that because he believed that she found what he said helpful. He worked to reply quickly because he wanted her to continue telling him her story.

[Sent at 9:21 PM]: i just want you to be happy. go on.

[Received at 9:21 PM]: To go on with the story…when she told me she cheated on me, she cried and sobbed. I actually comforted her. I had no emotions at the time, everything was so…it was so fucking surreal. I felt like I was dreaming.

[Received at 9:25 PM]: I tried to be okay with it. I tried to work past it, but as time went on everything was just collapsing around me. Everything I was secure about felt unsteady. The last thing that had me breathing correctly felt like it was a huge fucking lie and suddenly the depression hit me full force and I spiraled hard.

[Received at 9:28 PM]: I tried to kill myself. I was about a step away from my death at one point, one leg over the edge of the railing on a staircase in the library, top floor. As I looked down at the bottom floor, nothing mattered anymore. The fact that my mom’s brothers had committed suicide didn’t make me stop and consider what throwing myself from that staircase would do to her. My life just seemed ruined to me, everything I had pictured for my future was falling down piece by piece like a fucking Jenga tower. I couldn’t breathe right and I just felt so tired of taking beatings.  

It felt like someone put a wrench on his heart and clamped it tight before twisting. It was almost impossible to imagine a world where he didn’t meet Alex despite how little time they had spent together. He held his breath as he imagined that horribly crippling depression he had been experiencing before he met her. Now that he had the hindsight, he was sure it was her company that helped ease him out of it. If her last reserves of strength had given in and she had jumped, he was sure he still wouldn’t quite feel right. He’d be at square one, just like he was when all of this had gotten started.

[Sent at 9:30 PM]: alex are you better now?

[Received at 9:31 PM]: Yeah. I managed to find my way back.

[Received at 9:31 PM]: The only thing that actually stopped me that day was the fact that when I looked down at the ground floor, I saw a student pacing. He was reading out of a text, just pacing back and forth. Suddenly, I realised it was April 10^th and he was studying for finals. If I jumped and landed down there, it would have hurt him. He probably wouldn’t have been able to take his exams, setting him back. It would have scarred him for life…he could have nightmares about the girl falling to her death right next to him. I know I would have. I just couldn’t do that to another person.

[Received at 9:33 PM]: No matter how many fucking scars she had laid into me, I couldn’t find the last ounce of selfishness I needed to pitch myself over. I just couldn’t fuck up his life like my life was fucked up, so I stopped myself, carefully got myself to the bottom floor and then took a bus home. I got to my bed in my room and just cried for a couple of hours until I couldn’t really do it anymore. After that I messaged my friend who had moved and he helped me.

[Received at 9:36 PM]: He immediately planned a visit to see me and when he was here I told him about what happened. I remember the look in his eyes and how he said he was so disappointed in her. I remember as he looked me in the eye and said “you and her are happier together then you will be apart, you need to work through this, Alex.” So I tried for about three months.

[Received at 9:39 PM]: I spent the summer pulling myself back together but by the beginning of July I just couldn’t live pretending that I trusted her and that everything was fine anymore. So, I broke up with her.

[Received at 9:40 PM]: I realised it was the first step to fixing me was making myself feel like there was more again. If I wanted to get the future I wanted back, I needed to cut her out of it. I remember calling her because I was a fucking coward. I knew if I saw the way she cried I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. So I had to do what was best for me, even if it inconvenienced her. During the conversation I told her the only way I could continue is if she assured me she wouldn’t cheat on me again, if she could just stay loyal to me.

[Received at 9:43 PM]: It got so silent on her end that I couldn’t even hear her breathing anymore. I truly knew right then that there was nothing more I could do, so I just let everything go. When I got off the phone, I felt empty and like I had made a mistake. I wanted to apologise to her but I stopped myself. It would have been beneath me to beg for her. I kept telling myself that every day.

[Received at 9:46 PM]: I think from here you know the rest. My best friend moved back to our city, she turned my friends away from me, I started talking to Jess again, I met you and then my ex immediately started fucking my best friend when he ended up living with her.

[Received at 9:47 PM]: The pathetic thing is that they lied to me and felt like they couldn’t tell me they were seeing each other. They lied to me for months. The guy who said he was so disappointed with her for breaking my heart jumped at the first chance to fuck her when she was drunk. My ex looked at my best friend and decided that she wanted him despite all the shit she had put me through. Out of all the fucking people she could have had. She took my very last support pillar and didn’t give a fuck.

At this point, Yoongi felt this story was almost stupidly dramatic and he could understand why Alex felt so tired and done. He just wanted her to come to Seoul. He wanted to introduce her to six people who would never do this shit to her. He wanted to hand her a future where she could finally just forget the people who were tearing her apart. It would start with studying abroad and continue onwards if she made the decision to stay; he hoped she would.

[Received at 9:50 PM]: No matter what anyone tells you, it’s not cool to fuck your best friend’s ex. What’s even worse is fucking dating her. We still play League together and whenever I hear him call her sweetie, it makes me so fucking angry. I trusted both of these people for years and years, considered them my closest friends and they did all that shit to me. You don’t fucking do this to someone you called your best friend.  

[Received at 9:52 PM]: I just want to escape all this shit, I want to get very far away and if I am completely fucking honest with you, it’s why I have been trying so hard to get this opportunity to study abroad…but then I met someone online who lives in Seoul, someone who took my mind off of how hurt I was. And suddenly I was counting other reasons to get this scholarship.

[Received at 9:54 PM]: Thank you, August…I think without you, I wouldn’t be ready to make a leap of faith like this. I wouldn’t have moved forward, I would still be constantly crying every day. Thank you. You have genuinely made my life better.

He made her life better. Yoongi felt warm as he read that, like there was a pleasant heat in his chest, swelling and expanding. Truthfully, the feeling wasn’t completely foreign. He had been experiencing it ever since he met the other members of the group; they had all built a relationship with each other that felt wholesome and supportive. He knew without a doubt that he made their life better and they did the same for him. He wanted that for Alex. He wanted her to have a healthier life.

[Sent at 9:56 PM]: youre welcome alex. you have made mine better too. i like that we met. you make me happy.

Alex did make him happy and she did make his life better. Truthfully, his life was already good, but in so many ways she just felt like an improvement. She did something for him that he hadn’t felt in some time from a stranger; she made him feel normal, like another person with valid feelings and emotions. Yoongi hadn’t realised it was something he wanted until she gave it to him. She made him feel like Min Yoongi and it was nice.

[Received at 9:57 PM]: I remember when I answered the ask I said something like it being an incredibly shitty experience, but do you want to know what fucking sucked most about being cheated on?

[Sent at 9:58 PM]: what?

[Received at 10:00 PM]: How insecure it made me. I spent the better part of seven months wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why the only person who had ever loved me suddenly didn’t think I was worth loving anymore. It just tore me down.

[Sent at 10:02 PM]: there is nothing wrong with you. she didnt cheat because of you. she cheated because of her.

[Received at 10:03 PM]: I know that now, but at the time I didn’t. I just felt so fucking unloved and worthless. Our five years together meant nothing to her, I meant nothing to her. It just hurt so badly, August. I felt used and humiliated.

[Received at 10:04 PM]: It was almost like one of those pranks from high school where the popular kid befriends the loser and then after a couple months they’re like “Psych! Got you. I actually hate you!” except it was “Psych, I never loved you!”

[Received at 10:06 PM]: I felt like a fucking idiot. I loved her so much that I had practically tore out my own heart and handed it to her…I guess something about it had become ugly because she didn’t want it anymore. In the end it was all like some kind of joke.

[Received at 10:05 PM]: I think that is what tore me up the most. I wanted her to still want me. I prayed that she would get over whatever fucking issues she was having and find a way to love me again. It was a bit pathetic really.

[Sent at 10:06 PM]: not pathetic. you lost someone you loved. you just wanted them back again.

[Received at 10:08 PM]: But it was pathetic, because I only wanted her to love me again because I was afraid that what I had with her was the most I could ever have. Even though she didn’t really fucking love me as much as she said she did, I remember how it felt when I thought she did. I was afraid I would never find that again, that someone who lied and cheated on me was the most I could ever have. I remember thinking on so many occasions that no one would ever love me the way she did…

[Received at 10:10 PM]: To be honest, it’s still something I worry about. What if I am not enough to ever have more than someone who lies and cheats? What if I am just not enough to have something genuine?

How the fuck was Yoongi even supposed to approach this? What was he supposed to tell Alex to make her feel better? He knew that she was enough. She was more than enough. But how could he tell that to her when he knew he didn’t have a definitive reason for the way he thought other than it was just something he innately knew. She was more than enough and too good for so many people; on some days, he wondered if maybe she was too good for him. She was gentle and kind and he had been lying to her for months.

Yoongi scratched at the back of his head and took in a deep breath, letting it out as a long sigh. He looked down at his phone and just decided to go with his gut feeling. He didn’t want Alex to think she wouldn’t ever be loved by someone decent.

[Sent at 10:13 PM]: alex someone good will love you. they will put you first. they wont cheat. they will love you and wont lie.

[Received at 10:14 PM]: But how can you say that for sure? How do you know that someone who is actually going to actually treat me like another person will come along and actually fall in love with me?

Yoongi began to type without thinking and he had to stop himself from sending the message as his eyes went slightly wide. He just stared at the text as he read it over and over again while his stomach kindly decided to squirm around inside of his body. He felt a bit like he was falling and there was an odd tingling sensation in his fingertips. He felt nervous.

New Message: because i think i already did.

He couldn’t send that to her. He couldn’t. Yoongi had no idea if she was even coming to Seoul and he just couldn’t tell her something like that while she still thought his name was August. It felt wrong somehow. He erased the message and took in a breath, trying to think of something that he could write that would truly help her. He bit his lip and went with the only thing that seemed alright.

[Sent at 10:17 PM]: because ill keep all the losers away when you get to seoul so only good people get through.

[Received at 10:18 PM]: You’re sweet. Thank you, August. I feel a bit better about all of this.

[Sent at 10:19 PM]: im glad. i want you to be happy.

[Received at 10:20 PM]: August, I want you to know that even if I don’t get the scholarship, I’m still going to come to Seoul to visit. I’m going to work my ass off this summer and save up some money.

[Received at 10:20 PM]: I just really want to meet you.

[Sent at 10:21 PM]: me too. i cant wait. i think you are going to love it here.

[Received at 10:21 PM]: I know I will. Anyway, I need to go out and run some errands. Thank you for listening to me.

[Sent at 10:22 PM]: always.

Chapter Text

Love was a very strong word to Yoongi and it was never something that he had slung around easily. However, three months had passed since they had spoken about how she had been cheated on and, by the end of that span of time, he was sure that he was approaching the word at dangerous speeds. He was falling so fucking hard for Alex and it was strange to him because they had never truly spoken before. Every word that was passed between them was sent through a phone or a computer. Before he had met her he might have been sceptical that someone could form this kind of bond with another person.

For that reason, he kept it to himself.

Now that it was February and things were beginning to warm up again. Yoongi was surprised he found that he was already missing the winter despite it not quite being over yet; he wasn’t exactly ready to face the warm weather that would come by May. He knew it was inevitable though so he never dwelled on it long.

Alex had been busy lately. She had been working her ass off studying for finals but the way she talked about her classes gave him hope that maybe she would get the recommendation. Yoongi’s stomach knotted even just thinking about it. He felt little bits of hope bloom in his chest whenever he thought of it, uncomfortable bursts of warmth spreading to his fingertips.  

He tried to squash it out because he didn’t want to let his expectations grow but it didn’t work. He couldn’t stop himself from imagining how he would spend his first moments when he finally met her face to face. He thought about it so much that he often found himself daydreaming about different scenarios of how it could go down. It happened so much that the other members had grown used to gently tapping his shoulder or waving their hands in front of him to get his attention.

Yoongi just really wanted to finally see her and put his list of things to talk about to work.

“You really like her, don’t you?” Jimin asked him, tilting his head curiously.

Yoongi looked up from his phone and looked at him from the kitchen table where the remnants of his food sat from lunch. Jimin must have come in looking for food and caught him spacing out. He nodded and set his phone down.

“She must be really something if she caught your attention like this,” he said with a warm smile as he came to sit down next to Yoongi. “Can I see what she looks like?”

In theory, it was totally possible for Yoongi to show Jimin what Alex looked like. He might have had a few of her selfies that she had sent to him saved. Maybe. Was that creepy? He couldn’t decide until he remembered that he had pictures of his other friends on his phone too. Totally normal. But did he want to show her to Jimin? In a way, the thought made him nervous. However, he knew out of everybody Jimin would be least likely to judge her. He was too kind for that.

“Yeah,” Yoongi said as he picked up his phone. “Sure, hang on.”

He quickly got to the pictures on his phone and then picked out the one of Alex that was his favourite. She took it around Christmas and she was wearing this adorable oversized cable knit sweater. Her hair was done up in a perfect bun on the top of her head and she must have been laughing when someone took the picture because he had never seen someone look so happy and beautiful at the same time. Her eyes sparkled and her cheeks were slightly red. Yoongi wasn’t sure why this picture was his favourite, but whenever he looked at it he felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Jimin didn’t make any kind of expression while he looked at her for the first three seconds and it made Yoongi’s stomach churn. He knew Alex wasn’t the example of perfection; she wasn’t slender and small like the standards of beauty that South Korea demanded. But she was a person and Yoongi could see that about her all the time. She always seemed so warm and despite the fact that she had what people would say were imperfections, he couldn’t care less. Yoongi felt himself relax when Jimin slowly smiled and then passed his phone back.

“She’s really cute,” Jimin said as he looked back at Yoongi. He paused and then got a curious expression on his face, tilting his head just slightly. “When will we be able to meet her?”

Yoongi felt his stomach flip, little butterflies tickling his insides. If Alex got that recommendation, she would meet them all by the beginning of the new school term. The thought of seeing her in front of him in less than two-hundred days was hard to swallow. He was way too fucking excited by the prospect and, if she won, he was sure he’d practically be restless as the date grew closer.

“She might be coming to visit in August,” Yoongi replied as he took his phone and put it into his pocket, locking it to turn off the screen. “She’s in university so it depends.”

“Is it hard?” Jimin asked softly. He almost looked a little hesitant, like he was unsure if he should bring it up. “She lives far away, right? In Canada? Is it hard to be so far away?”

Yes. Without a fucking doubt. Yoongi knew that instinctively, he didn’t even have to think about it.

“It’s not easy,” he said with a light sigh.

“But she is worth it?” Jimin asked with a raised brow. This question came out cautiously too, as if Jimin was unsure if it was the right reason but suggesting it anyway.

The smile came to Yoongi’s face before he even really registered the question completely. It was a soft smile, the corners of his mouth subtly lifting up. “Yeah. She makes me happy.”

“Then I can’t wait to meet her,” Jimin said as his smile turned into a little giggle. He put his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. “I’m happy for you.”

Jimin got up and went back into the kitchen, continuing to make his food. Yoongi looked at him for a while before he got up too and brought his empty plate to the kitchen. Jimin gave him one more smile before Yoongi departed, heading for his room, hoping that maybe Alex would be able to talk.

…

When Yoongi got to his room and settled to lie on his bed, putting all his weight on his stomach. He opened Tumblr and discovered that Alex had already sent him messages. He smiled and bit his lip as he opened them and was greeted by the familiar scene of her writing in all caps. He knew without a doubt that she was excited about something but he hadn’t got the chance to check her blog to see if it had something to do with him or BTS in general. He got a little more comfortable, wiggling on his bed slightly, before he began to read.

[Received at 2:02 PM]: AUGUST.

[Received at 2:02 PM]: AUGUST. I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

[Received at 2:03 PM]: OKAY I KNOW IT’S A BIT LATE FOR ME.

[Received at 2:03 PM]: WELL NOT REALLY. IT’S MIDNIGHT. I WAS OUT TONIGHT WITH JESS UNTIL ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO. WE SAW A LATE MOVIE.

[Received at 2:04 PM]: ANYWAYS I AM GETTING OFF TRACK. WE SAW ZOOTOPIA. I LOVED IT. FUCK STILL OFF TRACK.

[Received at 2:05 PM]: OKAY SO I GOT HOME AND CHECKED MY UNIVERSITY EMAIL BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REALLY ANXIOUS ABOUT RECEIVING MY CLASS MARKS BEFORE I GO INTO FINALS NEXT MONTH. AND THERE WAS AN EMAIL FROM MY PROFESSOR.

[Received at 2:07 PM]: AUGUST NOT ONLY DID I GET RECOMMENDED TO GO TO SEOUL FOR THE STUDY ABROAD LIST, I WAS APPROVED.

[Received at 2:08 PM]: I’M SORRY I DIDN’T TELL YOU I GOT THE RECOMMENDATION. I DIDN’T WANT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP AND HAVE YOU DYING OF ANXIETY LIKE I WAS. BUT I GOT APPROVED. HOLY SHIT.

[Received at 2:08 PM]: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, AUGUST. I’M GOING TO BE IN SEOUL BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.

His heart was pounding. In all of Yoongi’s life, it only ever got like this when he was waiting to go on stage. The rhythmic thumping was beating so hard that he could hear it in his ears and feel it in his fingertips. Alex was going to be in Seoul. A part of him almost didn’t believe this could happen. It would be just his luck that he’d fall in love with a girl half-way across the world and have no fucking idea when he could meet her but he actually had a date now. She would be here before September. He was sure that if he was a little less controlled, he’d be running around the house telling anyone who would listen. As it was, he knew if Jin was in the room he’d be blurting it to him.

He sat up, feeling like this was just too important to lie down while addressing and lifted his phone with hands that were plagued with slight shaking. Yoongi took in a deep breath and then released it slowly as his thumbs connected with the keyboard. She had sent these messages twenty minutes ago and he hoped to whatever fucking higher power that might exist that she hadn’t gone to sleep yet. He had to talk about this with her.

[Sent at 2:30 PM]: alex I am so happy. i want to jump around. i dont even know what else to say.

[Sent at 2:31 PM]: im not sure i can wait a whole summer to finally see and talk to you…

[Sent at 2:32 PM]: but ill try.

Taking a deep breath, Yoongi read and then reread his messages three times. He hoped that they didn’t seem too forward. He hoped that she felt the same way he did. Yoongi wasn’t really sure he could hide the fact that he was falling in love with her and he wanted to tell her in person. He wanted her to know him before just in case she wanted to say it back.

Yoongi watched the conversation for some time and after about ten minutes of spacing out and waiting around for a reply, he became pretty sure that Alex was asleep. He had been waiting for months to know about this but now, with this gap of time, he would have to wait until morning for her to respond to him now. Somehow, that made the waiting harder. Yoongi brought his thumb down to the little button that he’d be able to close the app with but then he heard the familiar swooping sound that stopped him. He quickly tapped the app again and read what she said as fast as he could, like he was starved.

[Received at 2:40 PM]: August you don’t know how excited I am. I can’t even express it. I wish I could just get a ticket for tomorrow and see you. I wish I could leave right now. I really do.

[Received at 2:40 PM]: Before I met you, I didn’t know I could meet someone online like this and feel so fucking connected. I’ve never craved to be near another person so much in my life. I’m a loner. I like spending my time by myself. I enjoy being a computer’s length away from people I know in real life, always preferring just to talk to them online. I make special exceptions for Jess, but even with her some days I just need to recharge.

[Received at 2:42 PM]: But it isn’t that way with you. Maybe I’m not normal. Maybe I have become too attached to you. But I want you in my life…I want to see you and hang out with you. I just want to be beside you.

[Received at 2:43 PM]: I didn’t know I could feel like I miss someone I’ve never met before in person but I miss you so much that it hurts. I just don’t feel right when we’re not talking. I feel really alone and I just…crave you.  

[Received at 2:43 PM]: I really understand if you don’t feel this way; I’m not saying this to pressure you. I just wanted to be honest about how I feel.

[Received at 2:44 PM]: August, I can’t wait to meet you.

Yoongi bit his lip after he read everything. Now that he knew she felt that way, his heart was beating harder than it was before. He was almost in awe of how much she impacted him when she was more than ten thousand kilometres away. His stomach was somersaulting and, for a brief moment, he wondered if this would feel more intense in person. If he would feel nauseous in the best way possible when he saw her for the first time. If his hands would shake when he held hers. If he’d stop breathing for just a moment when he kissed her. It felt like it. It felt like she’d utterly flip his life upside down when she walked into it but he didn’t care. He wanted that kind of chaos. Yoongi wanted to feel like he couldn’t breathe right if it meant he’d be able to look into her eyes and brush his thumb over her cheek.

He had spent so much time writing about love. He had incorporated it into so many songs but, up until now, Yoongi realised he had no fucking idea what it felt like to fall for someone. All he knew for sure now is that he had fallen hard.

Chapter Text

Since Yoongi had found out that Alex was definitely going to come to Seoul, he was surprised that the month had passed so fast and the exam season had only just finished. He had expected time to crawl forwards from the moment he elarned about the recommendation. He expected to feel absolutely insane from the impatience, but his work had kept him busy. It was mid-April and it was warm out and there was approximately a hundred-something days until he would get to meet her in person. He didn’t like thinking about it though, his stomach always got so bubbly from his excitement and it often left him unsure if he felt sick or not.

Yoongi had gone ahead and told the good news to the members of the group, feeling like it was safe now. There was no way he’d be able to escape to meet her without them knowing, but he especially wanted Namjoon’s help and advice. His friend almost seemed even more worried than he had been before. Now that he knew Alex was coming, he wasn’t unsupportive. If anything, the caution Namjoon held caused him to be even more helpful because he had been trying to help his friend plan a scenario in which it would be safe for Yoongi to meet Alex.

So far, their best idea was that they would meet somewhere private and away from the dorm. While it made him uncomfortable to think about, he couldn’t ignore the possibility that she might not take his true identity well. For that reason, he couldn’t bring her to the dorm, even though it’d probably be the most low-key place he could meet with her. Yoongi trusted that Alex would not reveal his location to anyone if something went amiss but it was the one thing Namjoon made him compromise on. Until they knew Alex was alright and could handle the secret, she would not know where the dorm or the studio was.

“I wish it was as simple as meeting at a small discreet café, but there is really no such thing when it comes to us,” Namjoon told him with a small sigh. His eyes held an apologetic quality but Yoongi didn’t quite understand why. It wasn’t his fault.

“There has to be somewhere we can meet where we can both sneak in and out,” Yoongi said, his tone coming across as blatantly frustrated at this point. “What about very late at night? Or the early hours of the morning?”

“In Seoul that doesn’t count for anything,” Namjoon said as he shrugged. “Besides, what kind of impression does that leave Alex with? That you’re shady and want to meet her in the middle of the night.”

Yoongi sighed and even groaned a little, just flat-out lying his head on the kitchen table. This was all so complicated. It almost felt needlessly so.

“That’s also why I didn’t suggest renting a hotel room. It honestly makes the most sense, but what would she think if you’re asking to have your first date in a hotel room?” Despite the situation, Namjoon cracked a smile while he looked at Yoongi. “She’ll think you’re depraved.”

“I need a break,” Yoongi announced as he stood up and went to the sink to get some water. “I’ll think about this later.”

“Well, don’t keep telling yourself that and then do the opposite,” Namjoon warned him as he turned in his chair, moving so he could look at Yoongi. “Or else you’ll be in this same position the night before she will be here.”

“I won’t,” Yoongi assured him.

Truthfully, he still had one hundred-something days to figure this out. He wasn’t just going to indefinitely push it off, but for now, he’d keep adding to the list of things he wanted to talk about and focus on the upcoming concerts. In the meantime, he was sure that if he and Namjoon kept working together, they’d figure out some safe way for this all to go down.

At least, he hoped so.

…

She was right in front of him, smiling. There was no mistaking the way her eyes sparkled when she was happy, or the slightly sweet scent that clung to her. Alex was right in front of Yoongi, holding his hands and telling him that she loved him too. Her cheeks were stained pink from the confession and she bit her lip very slightly.

Perhaps it was the way everything around them seemed to be out of focus that brought it to his attention to the fact that he was dreaming; or maybe it was because, at the back of his mind, he knew there was still a hundred and something days until this could even potentially happen. Whatever it was, the thought popped into his mind as he stroked the pink flush on her cheek and then when he accepted that it was true, he was suddenly waking up to the sound of his phone making a swooping noise.

Yoongi blinked his eyes open blearily and looked around. The room was completely dark but he could hear the soft sound of Jin’s breathing as well as the hum of the fan inside his laptop, still spinning. He reached for it next to him, closing the lid after he registered that it was about four AM. His computer told him it was April twentieth but he knew where Alex was, it was still the nineteenth and therefore it was her birthday. He set the device on his bedside, not wanting it to get trampled on or broken.  

As he yawned, Yoongi reached for his phone and wiped at his eyes while he opened the app that was still sending him notification sounds. He was tired but he wasn’t too tired to do the math. Right now, it was about two in the afternoon for her and despite how insane he felt he was to think it, he was happy she had woken him up. He wanted to wish her a happy birthday when it was still her birthday in Canada.

[Received at 4:03 PM]: AUGUST. I KNOW YOU’RE SLEEPING BUT HOLY SHIT I HAVE TWO THINGS TO SCREAM ABOUT TODAY. OMG.

He totally knew the first one before he had even read the next message and it made him smile a little. Yoongi glanced towards Jin and decided it was best not to wake him up, so he stood from his bed and didn’t try to rearrange his blanket. Instead, he kept it wrapped around him and awkwardly held it up with his phone in hand, which was frankly in a position where he was slightly afraid that he might drop it. Regardless, he didn’t move it to his other hand or a safer place, he just shuffled very quickly into the living room with his blanket wrapped around his body and then let himself fall down onto the couch. When he was comfortable, he brought his phone back to his face and looked at her next message.

[Received at 4:04 AM]: BTS RELEASED THEIR YOUNG FOREVER MUSIC VIDEO TODAY. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. AUGUST. I FEEL BLESSED. BUT LIKE, ALSO A BIT WEIRD BECAUSE IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. I KNOW THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY.

Okay, Yoongi wasn’t saying he planned this. He totally didn’t put forth the twentieth of April when their manager was talking about suggesting a mid-April release for their new music video. He totally didn’t plan it for that day because he knew it’d still be the nineteenth where Alex lived and that was her birthday. No, totally not him.

Okay, it was him but Yoongi couldn’t help it. He immediately thought of it when the manager mentioned it and before he really thought to think twice about if it was a good idea or not, he said it. Seeing her reaction now though, he wasn’t unhappy. He felt like he could safely say this wasn’t a bad idea now that she was screaming about it in their chatroom.

[Received at 4:06 AM]: BUT HONESTLY, COMPARED TO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU THAT IS REALLY JUST SOMETHING COOL THAT HAPPENED AND MADE MY DAY A BIT BETTER.

[Received at 4:07 AM]: AUGUST, I JUST GOT HOME FROM MY BIRTHDAY LUNCH WITH MY FAMILY. JESS, MY SISTER, AND MY MOM…THEY BOUGHT ME A PLANE TICKET. MY MOM ARRANGED FOR ME TO STAY LONGER AT WHERE I ARRANGED TO STAY FOR THE YEAR ABROAD. SHE WENT OVER MY HEAD AND EXPLAINED THAT SHE WANTED TO SURPRISE ME TO THE OWNERS. THEY AGREED BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE ANYONE IN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW.

[Received at 4:09 AM]: AUGUST, I’M GOING TO BE FLYING OUT NEXT WEEKEND. I COULDN’T STOP CRYING WHEN THEY TOLD ME. I’VE NEVER HAD ANYONE DO ANYTHING THIS NICE FOR ME. AND IT WAS ALL JESS’ IDEA. I JUST, I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

[Received at 4:12 AM]: THEY GOT ME A FLIGHT TICKET THAT HAS STOPS BECAUSE IT WAS CHEAPER, SO BOY IT’S A TWENTY-HOUR FLIGHT BUT I AM SO READY. I’M GOING TO GET THERE ON THE 30^TH AROUND MIDDAY.  

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. His eyes widened and he looked around the room, trying to get a fucking grasp on reality. Was he dreaming? Yoongi had been dreaming about her less than fifteen minutes ago but he was sure pretty sure he had actually woken up. Just to double-check, he pinched his arm and then made a small sound because it hurt a little bit. Holy shit, this was real and he was going to see Alex in front of him in less than twelve days. Yoongi couldn’t even tell if he was breathing right anymore.

[Received at 4:15 AM]: August…I was hoping that maybe you’d consider picking me up from the airport? I know it’s really last minute…and I’ll totally understand if you can’t…but honestly, you’re the first thing I want to see when I get off that plane.

Yoongi had less than twelve days to figure out how he was going to meet Alex and he definitely could not pick her up from the airport. He felt panicked, the unpleasant sensation of anxiety squeezing around him. He brought his hand to his hair and ran his fingers through it, taking a deep breath. She would understand if he said he couldn’t, but at the same time, he didn’t want her to have to figure out her way through the city on her first day. He wanted to be there for her and he hadn’t even had the time to consider any of this yet.

[Sent at 4:17 AM]: alex im so happy youre coming here sooner. i would jump around if it wouldnt wake people up.

“Yes, reassure her that you’re happy she’s coming,” he told himself quietly as he focused on typing, trying to ignore the sensation of his heart slamming against his ribs.

[Sent at 4:18 AM]: but the day youre coming. i work that day. i cant take the day off…but we could meet up that night when i get off?

Yoongi wasn’t lying. He was actually working. In fact, he would be rehearsing for a show that night…and he suddenly thought he might have an idea about how he wanted to meet her. 

[Sent at 4:18 AM]: do you have a phone worked out for here?

[Received at 4:19 AM]: Bless my mom. Yeah, she got that done too. T-T

[Received at 4:19 AM]: I’ll give you the number in a second. I won’t be able to use it until I get there though. So maybe you should give me yours and I’ll text you when I land? Or…I could always just go on Tumblr and tell you here. Whatever is more convenient for you.

[Received at 4:20 AM]: I’m nervous and rambling. I’m sorry, we’ll exchange numbers.

[Received at 4:20 AM]: And yes, I’m okay with meeting after you get off of work. Do you have any ideas?

Yoongi smiled a little to himself and then looked up at the ceiling before he answered. He was going to get her a special ticket for the show and then meet her backstage. Getting her there without suspicion actually wouldn’t be that hard. He just felt so incredibly nervous because all of a sudden, a hundred-something days had been pushed to eleven. He took a deep breath, trying to stop his nerves from rebounding off of every surface in his body and then looked at his phone again.

[Sent at 4:22 AM]: i have ideas but we will hold the thought until i know if they work or not.

He smiled again and allowed himself to feel just a bit of the excitement again. Yoongi’s nerves were going so hard he thought he might be sick. It was far worse than anything that had been caused since he found out she was coming.

With hands shaking very slightly, he began typing again while he bit his lip. Yoongi still didn’t feel like he could breathe quite right, but at least it was a little more manageable now. After holding a breath in for five seconds, he released it slowly and hit send on his next message. He knew without any doubt that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep today, but he didn’t really mind. Alex was worth it.

Chapter Text

Every morning was the same.

Alex woke up to the sound of her alarm, My Lady by Exo blaring from her phone. Truthfully, it was her ringtone too and while she definitely didn’t follow the group as closely anymore as she used to, she was simply just unmotivated to change it to something else. Making a new ringtone was a pain and with how much school work she had, she was lucky if she could get a single game of League of Legends in at night, never mind attend to something so insignificant.

Next, she took exactly five minutes to get out of bed. Some days she would just stare at the little bumps on her ceiling until the second alarm went off. Others, she’d try to go back to sleep only to be rudely awakened again. Most of the time, it was a fight with herself to get going; it made reasoning with her stubborn and independence-seeking niece look like child’s play. Every morning she’d present herself with reasons to actually get up for the day and every morning she’d counter with why she shouldn’t have to go to class.

Throughout the semester, three things had managed to motivate her to get out of bed. Firstly, if she wanted to talk to August she had to get her phone. Secondly, if she wanted to meet August she had to go to class and earn the recommendation to study abroad. Thirdly, she didn’t want to make Jess or her mother worry about her and skipping class without a good reason would do only that, especially after the wreck that she called her previous year at university.

Once Alex got up, she’d shuffle into the bathroom, stretch so her back cracked and brush her teeth. She did it so slowly and with so little energy that she truly wondered if her teeth were clean but, usually, she would come to the conclusion that her breath smelled minty and she had been there for a couple minutes so it should be fine.

If her hair was greasy, Alex would have a shower. If it wasn’t, she’d skip that step, do her makeup, make herself a shitty lunch and then get dressed for the day. Before she ran out the door to catch the bus, she’d gather her things and then check her Tumblr while she walked to the stop.

Alex was a creature of habit, so much so that Jess often teased her for it. She didn’t like breaking routine and she was prone to getting very obsessive about the order in which things were done. In some ways, she felt like exercising that kind of organisation was the only control she could muster over her own life. She felt stuck often and like she was never advancing. Some days she felt like she was lost in a giant crowd and was just unsure of what direction to head in. Some nights she had anxiety dreams about being lost at sea with an undertow that was too hard to swim against.

But today was different.

Alex had never truly been so excited to get out of bed. She actually woke up before the first round of her alarms sounded, but that was probably due to the very little sleep she had actually gotten. Today, Alex was to board a plane, and after twenty hours she’s set foot in Seoul for the first time in her life. Today, Alex felt like she was finally making progress. She felt like she was taking control after twenty-three years of living.

She had about two hours to drive before she got to the airport, and she needed to leave early enough to be there an hour before her flight. And she also needed to leave early enough to beat traffic on the 401 to get into Toronto or at least early enough so she wasn’t late if she got stuck in it. In the morning, the traffic was atrocious. Alex absolutely hated the highway and driving on that particular one during rush-hour was literally the worst way she could think to spend her time. But at least she’d be able to play her music while she suffered. Not to mention, Jess would be there to suffer with her.

Crawling out of bed, she shuffled into the bathroom and took a hot shower. After, she brushed her teeth and then decided to forego makeup since her flight was going to be so long. Once she was dressed and her hair was brushed up into a bun on the top of her head, she went through her lugged to double check that she had everything.

The realisation that she was done absolutely everything she needed to do to leave her home and move to a new place made her feel a little sick. Knowing that her first plane ride was going to be so long made her anxious; what if she couldn’t handle it? What if something happened? What if a talkative person sat next to her and expected her to carry a conversation? For now, she focused on not psyching herself out and recounted to make sure she had everything.

At the sound of a light knock, she glanced towards the door as her mother opened it. “Ready, Alex?”

Alex looked down at her luggage and then up at her mother again. She took in a deep breath, as if mentally preparing herself just to even say it out loud, and nodded her head. “I think so.”

“Alright, the car is running so we’re just waiting for Jess to get here,” her mother told her with a soft smile. “Come eat something.”

“I can’t,” Alex said as she let out a small nervous laugh and shook her head a couple of times. She started gathering up her things the carry through the house to the front door, putting her phone in her pocket and making sure everything she needed was in her carry-on. “I can’t eat when I first get up. It makes me feel queasy and that is not what I need right now.”  

Her mother sighed and then nodded in return. “I know. What about tea?”

“I’ll fill a water bottle for the car-ride,” Alex decided while she gave her mom a soft smile.

Before she could walk to do just that her front door opened and someone came into the house. Her large and fluffy white-coloured dog immediately began to bark at the intrusion and got off the couch, running for the door. However, upon seeing that the intruder was Jess, he began to shake his entire rump along with his tail as he excitedly licked at her fingers.

“Hello, puppy!” Jess said happily as she knelt down and began to scratch behind his ears, making him whine in affection. “How are you, have they given you lots of treats and been kind to you? I missed you.”

“I’m pretty sure how fat he is shows that he is fed just fine,” Alex said with a little laugh as she looked at her friend.

Alex was by no means a huggy person; she didn’t like extreme physical contact when it was unnecessary. However, when it came to Jess, she had a soft spot. The girl could get away with hugging and leaning on her as much as she wanted to. So, when she came right to Alex and hugged her tightly, she didn’t protest.

“Are you sure you need to go?” Jess asked her, her tone just slightly indicating she was teasing. Alex wondered if maybe she was using humour to ask because a part of her didn’t want her best friend to move to the other side of the world. It seemed to be likely.

“Yes, I’m going to make use of this opportunity,” Alex told her as she hugged her back. “We’ll still talk. I’ll send you a snap every day so you get lots of pictures.”

“Please send me pictures I can keep too,” Jess said with a little giggle as she let Alex go. She looked around and then picked up Alex’s suitcase. “Is this all?”

“Just a couple more things,” Alex responded as she ran back to her room and got her carry-on and put on her shoes. She came back with the rest of her stuff and smiled very slightly. “Ready to go.”

Her mother said goodbye to the dog, as was her ritual, and then went to the car. Alex followed Jess out and then locked the door because she knew her niece didn’t like being alone in the house without it. When she got to the car, she put her suitcase in the back and then sat down on the passenger’s side in the front. She immediately plugged the aux cord into her phone and began playing her music. Once she was settled, Alex took a deep breath and then looked out the window.

“Alright, let’s go, let’s go!” Jess aid with excitement as she buckled up. “Turn this song up please.”

Alex nodded absentmindedly and leaned forwards, cranking the volume as her mother backed out of the driveway. She glanced out the window and caught her own reflection, feeling how hard her stomach was knotting as her nerves took over. Alex took a moment to study her features, a part of her very scared that August wouldn’t like her anymore once he got a good look at her in real life.

Jess must have sensed her discomfort because she leaned forward and put both hands on her shoulders and squeezed gently. Her voice came out warm and comforting and Alex let herself sink into that. “Relax. No matter what happens, this is going to be something amazing for you. There is no way you can walk away from this with nothing positive to talk about.”

“You’re right,” Alex agreed as she took another deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I know I am,” Jess responded lightly. She laughed a little bit and squeezed again before letting go. “What would you do without me?”

Alex took a little too long to answer, perhaps by three seconds, and her tone came out a little too seriously to match her friend’s tone. “I don’t know Jess, but I’m glad you’re here with me.”

...

…One Year Ago…

Depression was a funny word. It didn’t seem nearly strong enough to cover the horrendous feeling Alex awoke to every morning. The word wasn’t ugly enough to capture the sense of dread and terror she felt about pretty much everything in her life. It just wasn’t enough, but then again, apparently she hadn’t been either.

“Just delete them,” she told herself quietly as she looked through her phone.

Every picture she saw felt like someone was knocking the air out of her. It was hard to look at the happy memories she had with her girlfri- ex girlfriend without the air getting caught in her throat. It was simply hard to breathe, especially with that choking feeling at the back of her throat that arose from the sensation of wanting to sob. Everything was difficult now, even just living.

One by one, she started deleting pictures of her ex. Every single one of them was a picture of just her, never Alex with her. Looking back on it, Alex supposed it was because she had always thought she would have ruined the picture if she joined; she’d make someone that was so beautiful by themselves less beautiful if she smiled next to them. And now that they were broken up her confidence had been driven even lower, which she wasn’t sure was possible until she experienced it.

Once she deleted the pictures she took a deep breath and went to Facebook to see if the group chat had been active. She had asked if anyone wanted the hang out because she was so fucking tired of feeling alone and isolated. Alex knew it wasn’t, because she didn’t get any notifications but she at least wanted to kick her own ass a little more by checking to see if it had been read.

[Sent at 8:26 PM]: Does anyone want to hang out this weekend?

Alex reread her message and then checked the status under it, knowing by the little text she could see there that it meant people had read it. The question was just how many had and then proceeded to pretend they hadn’t.

Seen by Everyone

She knew it was official. Everyone had cut her off. Naïvely, she had hoped that the reason behind why everyone was answering her texts over the last month in short and dismissive responses was just her anxiety fucking with her. However, it was apparent that it was not just her brain overworking itself. They had chosen a side and it wasn’t hers, so now everyone was pushing her out of their lives slowly. She couldn’t pretend she was surprised, after all, it had been her ex who had brought her into the group. People weren’t kidding when they said high-school friendships never lasted.

Alex sighed and found the options for the group chat. She did everyone else a favour by excusing herself from it and then deleting their numbers from her phone. It was almost pathetic really, now that her contacts in her phone were just down to her immediate family members and a couple co-workers. When people used to ask her where she saw herself after high-school, it wasn’t here. It was not at the end of the worst year of her life, failing all her university classes and considering the quickest and least painful way to kill herself.

Alex knew it was beyond stupid, she knew it didn’t work that way, but maybe if she just ended her life she would get some kind of magical reset and could re-start her life as someone else. She’d have new friends and a new life where she didn’t feel so fucking suffocated and stuck. She wouldn’t have lost the only thing that she had let herself look forward to for her future. Quite frankly, she was tired. She was tired and no amount of sleep fixed it.

As the past came to mind, Alex couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she could have avoided all of this by making different choices. The thought brought her back to high school and she suddenly began to become overwhelmed with the guilt that she had always stuffed down. Maybe if she hadn’t made the choice to let go of Jess in the favour of a girlfriend who thought Jess was holding her back, Alex wouldn’t be in the position that she was. She might still at least have one friend to talk to instead of hearing the own sound of her cruel thoughts. She brought her phone back up to her face, opening Facebook again, as she realised that she owed Jess an apology for how she cut her off.

It might be five years too late, but late was better than never at all. While she didn’t want to barge into Jess’ life and disturb her, she wanted her to know that she regretted her actions and that she was sorry. It was the least that Alex could do to try and mend the part she played and start trying to let go of some of the things that had happened. Maybe then it would be easier to escape if she tried to make amends for the things that she regretted.

The sigh that parted her lips felt heavy as she searched Jess’ name up for the first time in years. She looked different, more mature but she was still pretty in that small-town-girl kind of way. Strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, and light freckles. Alex bit her lip and then clicked on the little icon to message her before she took another deep breath and began typing.

[Sent at 1:23 AM]: Jessie, I know it’s been a really long time since we spoke but I wanted to reach out to you. I thought of you for the first time in quite a while and I realised how much of an asshole I was to you when we were friends. I owe you an apology for my behavior. I’m sorry for the way I acted back then. You did not deserve that.

[Sent at 1:25 AM]: I’m not sending this as some way to reach out to you in hopes that we can be friends again. I mean, it’s been five years. That would be beyond stupid of me. But I did want to say sorry, even if the apology is far too late to truly ever mean anything. I’m sorry for trusting someone I had known for a few years over you whom I had been friends with since I was a child. It was wrong of me and I want you to know there was never anything wrong with you. It was just that I loved her and thought that meant I had to make a choice between you since neither of you could really stand the other. Now that I am older, I realise that was foolish of me.  

[Sent at 1:28 AM]: Thank you for being my friend for all the years that you stuck beside me. I look back on those memories really fondly. You were good to me and I am sorry I showed that so little loyalty when the time came for it. I hope your life is going well and I wish you luck in all of your endeavors. Thank you for everything and I’m sorry for how I handled the way we fell apart.

She set her phone down and laid back on her bed. She felt a strange sort of relief after sending that, like an uncomfortable pressure had been lifted away from her body. She felt lighter, but it wasn’t in the sort of way that made her feel any better emotionally. If anything, it just made her feel like finally taking that last step might be a little easier.

Always sleep before you make an important decision.

Someone had told her that once, that her mind needed one night’s rest before she should make an important life-altering decision. It needed time to process all of the information and weigh the pros and cons. Despite how easy it would be to walk to her bathroom and take too many pills or walk to her kitchen and find a knife, she knew she should hang on for one more night before she actually did it. She needed to think more. One close-call on the top-floor of the library was too many. Alex knew she was either never going to attempt suicide again or that she would go through with it and there was no in-between; no more almosts.

Alex took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, willing herself not to go anywhere. Slowly, she pulled the blankets up over her shivering body and then she brought her pillow in closer so she could hug it. Before she knew it, she was sobbing into her pillow, trying to muffle her sounds so she didn’t disturb anyone.

She had let herself love someone so intensely that it made her forget what hurting felt like and now that she was gone, the whiplash had never been stronger. She had let herself build her future around one person and now she was paying the price for it. Now that all the pieces of her life were scattered around her she had two choices; pick them up and put them back into place or just stop trying.

...

Upon waking the next morning, Alex rubbed the crust from her eyes that had formed from how hard she had cried. She didn’t even have to look to know her eyes were still puffy and swollen, she could feel it in how heavy the lids felt. As she sat up, her eyes caught sight of her phone. Her first instinct was to check it, but then she remembered that no one would be contacting her so it didn’t really matter. However, before she could completely ignore it, she did notice the small blue light blinking, showing her there was a notification.

Taking a deep breath, she rubbed her eyes again and checked, feeling her heart twist when she saw Jess’ name and an unread Facebook message. Quite honestly, she expected to be told to fuck off but despite the dread she found herself unlocking her phone and checking anyways. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she held her breath as she read it, truly scared of Jess’ reaction.

[Received at 9:23 AM]: Alex, it’s been a really long time but I want you to know that it’s really nice to hear from you.

[Received at 9:24 AM]: After reading all that, it’s not hard to see that she broke your heart. I’m really sorry, I never wanted that for you. I know how much you loved her. Regarding your apology, that is unnecessary. We were young and we both made mistakes. I understand why you did what you did. Even if it’s been five years and we haven’t said a word to each other, I still always thought of you as my friend. You were just a friend who was far away and maybe that makes me naïve. I don’t really care.

[Received at 9:26 AM]: I want to see you so we can talk face-to-face. I’m not sure if you’re okay with that, but I don’t want you to be alone right now. I know how much she meant to you, I could see it in the way you looked at her. I know it might be awkward but I won’t accept no for an answer. Even if it’s been five years, I still know that Moose Tracks and Pistachio are your favourite ice creams, Lindor is your favourite chocolate and LotR is your favourite movie. I will be over around noon with all of them and then we can work on catching up later.  

[Received at 9:26 AM]: Please don’t get anxious. I truly don’t have expectations for how this will go. I don’t want you to be alone. But trust me, this is a big step for me too. I know you’re not a hugger, but the only thing I ask is that you let me hug you and you let me hug you tightly. I missed you.

By the time Alex finished reading her messages, she was in tears all over again. Truly, she had no idea how to feel. All of this was so foreign and strange to her but something in her gut told her to grab onto this opportunity to move forward with both hands and never let it go. So she did. Slowly, she climbed out of bed to get clothing to carry to the shower with her. As she caught a glimpse in the mirror of her bathroom, she was more than positive that she wasn’t going to try and hurt herself again. Even if everything did fall apart and whatever this was with Jess didn’t work out, it proved to her that there were people out there who would care about her. Alex had just been wrong in thinking that the people she had been calling her friends for years would be the ones to do that.

Jess had always been the type of person to hug a bit too tight because she got too excited too easily. In contrast, Alex had always been someone to hate a person coming too far into her personal space, she especially never cared for hugs. However, she made the decision that from this moment on, if things somehow worked out where her and Jess became friends again, that girl could hug her all that she wanted to because Alex was more than positive that the way she had responded to her message had just saved her life.

Chapter Text

Jess, Alex, and her mother had gotten to the airport half an hour before she was supposed to be there. Somehow, the traffic had not been so bad and they had gotten to exactly where they needed to go in record time. Her mom and Jess had plans to grab breakfast together before they drove back home but, for now, they had agreed to stay to make sure that Alex got on the plane alright with no issue.

She was very fucking thankful for that.

Anxiety had always been her enemy since she was a child. Growing up she had been anxious about everything. It didn’t matter if it was her being worried that she was too short to ride in the front seat of the car or she might cut herself with a knife that was too sharp; Alex worried about everything. Because she grew up that way, from child to adulthood, her mom never worried about her getting into trouble. However, even being twenty-three, she was still a bit freaked out to do new things by herself. She felt on the verge of panicking at the idea of getting on the plane because she had never flown and the distraction of having them both there with her was what was keeping her in alright shape for now.

Jess was right next to her, arms hooked around hers while Alex showed her little bits of the conversations she had with August. Naturally, her friend was still sceptical about the idea that she didn’t even have a single picture of him but Alex felt strangely okay. Yes, she was worried this was all some kind of scam, but at the end of the day, she couldn’t think of a reason someone would go through this kind of effort for that reason. It seemed like if he wanted money or to sell her on the black market, he would have chosen someone richer or someone prettier. Alex secretly thought Jess was a bit more paranoid about this whole thing and somehow that didn’t seem possible until this moment.

“He’s really sweet,” Jess said with a warm smile as she read through the messages that Alex had chosen to show her. “Also the fact that he makes little mistakes like he doesn’t use proper punctuation or caps is really adorable.”

Alex sighed happily and looked at her phone with warm eyes. She nodded slowly and then looked back at her friend. “He is sweet and kind. He makes me happy.”

“You know, after her I didn’t think I’d see you this crazy about someone,” Jess said with a teasing smile as she quirked a brow at her friend. “It’s nice to see you like this again. You’re more alive.”

“Yeah,” Alex said quietly as she stared at the black text. She swallowed hard, suddenly feeling the sensation of being choked up and trying to rid herself of it. “I guess I do feel that way.” Alex paused and then looked back up at Jess. “He makes me feel really good about myself and he likes me despite what I look like. He just likes me for me…and that feels really good.”

“I’m sure your looks have something to do with it,” Jess said with a wide smile as she bumped Alex’s shoulder with her own, but considering that she was taller than her friend, it was more like she bumped her with her upper arm instead. “You’re really cute, Alex.”

Alex sighed and looked at her phone for another moment. “Cute…another word for chubby.”

“Stop it!” Jess said as she bumped her again. “Remember, negativity isn’t attractive. Confidence and humility are.”

“I’ll work on it,” Alex grumbled as she chewed on her lip.

Before Jess could respond, a swooping sound interrupted them. The speed in which Alex got the conversation back to its current place could have been alarming but she was sure Jess would understand why she was eager. She glued her eyes to the screen and saw a new message from August. Her stomach immediately felt a little fluttery and a comforting warmth spread from there. She loved talking to him.

[Received at 6:21 AM]: alex i know where we can meet. you get off the plane at 3 and i realised how we can. check your email.

Alex raised her brow and then bit her lip as she looked at Jess. Jess looked a bit sceptical but nodded and nudged her a little bit. She took the hint to get a move-on and checked her email, seeing that someone with an email that looked like it was initials with some numbers attached has forwarded her something. Upon opening it, her eyes widened and her stomach felt like it became loose inside of her.

“Is that a ticket to the BTS show?” Jess asked while her eyes widened. She leaned a bit closer to the ticket details. “Holy shit, the boy bought you a concert ticket, Alex.”

Alex found it hard to talk or breathe, so her sentence came out a bit weak. “Holy shit, the boy bought a concert ticket for me.”

“You can go right? Please say you can go,” Jess said as she bounced a little in her seat. “Oh please take a picture of Jin for me, he is so handsome, please.”

Honestly, Jess’ excitement was going a bit over her head and she was trying to process still. The swooping sound brought her back to reality and she checked the chat again to see what message August had sent her now. This felt too generous. She didn’t even know what to say.

[Received at 6:25 AM]: i hope you see this before you get on the plane.

[Received at 6:25 AM]: we can meet at the concert?

“You have to go with him!” Jess said loudly as she read the conversation over Alex’s shoulder. The degree of her excitement was obvious and, for a moment, Alex wondered if maybe she was just a tad more excited than she was.

“I don’t know, this is really generous and sudden,” Alex said quietly, her tone more than suggesting that she was unsure of herself.

“He wants to go with you,” Jess said as she touched Alex’s shoulder. “He went through the effort to have your first date be something meaningful. It pays tribute to how you met, Alex. It’s so sweet and thoughtful.”

Alex looked away from her phone and at her friend, raising her brow. “Two minutes ago you were sceptical of him.”

“That was two minutes ago, I was a different person,” Jess said as she waved her hand. “Now I am sure that he is sweet and kind and really thoughtful. You have to use that ticket, Alex. He really is trying for you and it’s so cute.”

“You sound a bit like you want to date him,” Alex grumbled, the truth of what Jess said weighing on her.

“I will if you don’t; I need a person like that,” Jess said as she sighed longingly. “Please go with him Alex. I promise it will be an experience worth going through.”

“Okay,” Alex said as she took a deep breath and looked at the messages. “I’ll go.”

Jess squealed a little bit, the sound leaving her as she wiggled in her seat and beamed. “I’m so excited for you Alex! You’re finally going to go have something good happen to you and I can’t wait for you to call me and tell me all about it.”

Alex smiled a little as she nodded. She was never one to let herself hope for things, because of the very real possibility that something would go very wrong. She just hated feeling disappointed and foolish. But this felt different. She felt like she could let that little bit of hope live and thrive. She let herself feel the tiniest bit of excitement.

“I’m so happy for you,” Jess said as she hugged Alex tightly and nuzzled her shoulder. “I’m so happy to see you happy again.”

“Me too,” Alex said as she turned and hugged Jess back.

She caught the sight of her mom looking their way and smiling softly at the affection they had for each other. Truthfully, she had never felt this supported before and it felt really good. She really liked being able to clearly tell how much they cared.

“Thank you,” Alex said as she hugged Jess a little tighter. “You don’t know how much it means to me to have you here.”

Jess opened her mouth to answer as she held Alex at arm’s length but then the intercom sounding across the airport stopped her. Upon hearing them calling for Alex’s flight, she frowned a little bit and then turned to give Alex a sad smile. She rubbed her arms and it wasn’t hard to see her eyes were already watering.

“I guess this is it,” Jess said quietly as she bit her lip. She kept rubbing Alex’s arms before she moved forward and hugged her tightly again. “Call me when you land. I don’t care what time it is, I want to know you got there safely.”

“I will,” Alex promised as she hugged her friend back again, gently rubbing her back to try and calm her down. “I promise. I’ll call when I get in.”

“I love you,” Jess told her as she pulled away again and stood up, wiping at her eyes. “Please be safe and take a picture of your mystery boy. I want to see what he looks like.” She giggled a little as she wiped her eyes one more time.

“It doesn’t matter what he looks like, Alex said as she softly smiled before she bit her lip. “But I’ll take one of us together if he is okay with it.”

“Good enough,” Jess said with another laugh as she stepped out of the way.

The intercom called one more time for her flight, announcing she had to go now, so Alex quickly hugged her mom and told her how much she appreciated and loved her. After promising them both to call, she waved to them and then made her way to board, taking in a deep breath. Now that she was away from them both, she had to hold the anxiety and excitement down.

In less than twenty hours, she’d be in Seoul.

…

The home Alex was renting a room in was beautiful. It wasn’t very big, but Alex didn’t mind. Her room was tidy, cozy, and just big enough for her to live in comfortably. Once she was settled, she called her mom and Jess, promising them both that she had gotten to her apartment safely. Once those conversations were over and done with, she realised she had only a few hours until this concert she was going to go to with August. So, she began to get ready.

She dressed simply. From what she could tell, August had really good tickets and she just didn’t want to get way too hot with how many people were going to be there, so she decided on a pair of leggings, a long plaid shirt that was dark green and black in colour. She tied her hair up in a high-bun, did her makeup and then put on her jewellery. After she was done, she took out her phone that was now activated in Korea and worked on contacting August.

[Sent at 3:55 PM]: Hey! August, I am here and ready to go. Where do you want to meet, I am so excited!

[Received at 3:58 PM]: hi alex. we can meet there at the concert. our seats are right next to each other. we can meet there and it will be a surprise.

Alex fucking hated surprises but he seemed to put a lot of thought into this so she wasn’t about to ask him to do something else. Truthfully, it was really sweet and his plan to meet at their seats was really cute. It would be the first time she’d ever see him and she had little butterflies tickling her stomach.

Taking a deep breath, she moved to sit down on her bed, which was a mattress that was a bit above floor-level on a raised platform. She wasn’t used to something like this, but it wasn’t bad either; if anything it’d probably be good for her back in the long run. She began to type again, feeling a tingly giddiness build up inside her gut.

[Sent at 3:59 PM]: Okay. We meet at our seats. I think that is really adorable. ^_^

[Sent at 4:00 PM]: I’m going to probably make my way there soon because I can imagine the line is very long. I am so excited. Thank you so much for this. <3

[Received at 4:02 PM]: thank you alex for coming. i cant wait to see you. well meet there. i need to finish my shift. i will see you later.

Alex smiled as she laid back on her bed. So many questions went through her mind and they all ranged in meaning. Was she dressed well enough? Would he like her in person? Did this mean the same thing to him as it did her? Did he want her the way she wanted him? Her mind was buzzing.

Taking a deep breath, she pushed it down and then stood to her feet. She grabbed her purse that was like a little backpack, black and made out of fake leather, and put it on before she headed out into the house proper. She said goodbye to the other tenants and then made her way, using her phone’s GPS to figure out which way to go. Her stomach was twisting, but she couldn’t wait to get there and meet him. 

In just a few hours, she’d be meeting August.  

Chapter Text

Alex had always wanted to go to a concert but, now that she was actually at the venue of one, she wasn’t so sure why. She hated crowds with a deep and almost irrational fear. There were too many people and she felt like she did in her anxiety dreams, lost and drowning. Looking at the sheer amount of people lined up outside the venue almost scared her enough to send her home, but then she remembered August. She had to meet him, even if it meant being swallowed by an ocean of people to the point of panicking.

She just couldn’t suffer waiting to finally see him face-to-face anymore. She felt like she had been waiting her entire life to meet him and, on some level, she really believed that was true. She just didn’t know it was August she had been waiting for until recently. Now that she knew, she wasn’t going to let a little thing like a crowd stop her. So she took a deep breath and got into the line, taking care to breathe in and out slowly.

At some point, while she was waiting, a man had come out to tell them that they would be allowed into the building at seven. Upon checking the time, and maybe peeking to see if August sent her any messages, it was two hours away. She tried to think if she had ever waited in a line this long in her life. She had been to amusement parks countless times but she was most definitely sure that she hadn’t waited for two-hours in a line to get on a ride. To be honest, she wasn’t sure she’d ever do this again.

For two hours she needed to occupy herself. Alex knew that if she didn’t keep herself busy she’d start looking around to see if maybe she could try to pick a stranger out in the crowd who might be August. A part of her mind told her that she should be able to recognise him as soon as she laid her eyes on him, but in reality she knew that was stupid. Life wasn’t a fairy tale and she wasn’t going to know which person around her was the one she loved just by connecting eyes.

Shaking her head, she brought her phone out and tried to think of something to do. At this time, Jess would be sleeping but she still decided to snap her a picture of the building with the caption “nervous.” After that she decided to take a picture of the sky and post it on her Tumblr, explaining she had arrived safely. Once she finished that, her eyes were drawn to the little letter icon and before she could stop herself she opened her messages and then went to her conversation with August.

[Sent at 5:26 PM]: There are a lot of people here. I’m so nervous.

Once she sent that, she registered that she felt just a little better. It took him a bit of time to answer and it kind of worried her at first, but as soon as she heard the notification she relaxed. With swift fingers, she tapped her screen to bring it back to life and then quickly put in her password. A little smile came to her face once she read.

[Received at 5:30 PM]: youll feel better when were sitting next to each other. try to just take deep breaths.

[Sent at 5:31 PM]: I am already on it.

Alex paused to look around, trying to see if she could spot a male using his phone and obviously texting. August knew what she looked like, so she felt like if he saw her he’d hang close. After a moment, she managed to tear her eyes away and finish her thought.

[Sent at 5:33 PM]: Can you see me at all? In the line?

She bit her lip while she looked around some more. She caught the sight of a lot of people texting but she had no idea if any of them were him. Five minutes ago she promised she wouldn’t do this to herself and yet here she was. Alex took a deep breath and looked down at her phone when it vibrated and made a little sound.

[Received at 5:35]: i cant im sorry. i wish i could.

She couldn’t pretend she didn’t feel the disappointment crushing her a bit. It was like a heavy weight set inside of her stomach that was trying to drag it down. Forcibly, she shoved it away and focused on the bright side. She would see him soon. In less than two hours they’d be side by side and the very first thing she was going to do was hold him tightly.

[Received at 5:37 PM]: just stay calm. you will do alright.

Alex drew in a slow and deep breath and nodded to herself. She would do alright if she just kept thinking about the end-result and focusing on it. As long as she kept her fear out of the forefront of her mind, she would be okay. So instead of worrying or counting down minutes, she went opened up Tumblr and began scrolling.

…

The line was shuffling forwards and the doors were finally open. They were being sorted into specific lines based on the tickets they would be claiming and Alex needed to bring her papers to the place where she could pick up her tickets, as August instructed. As Alex drew closer and closer to the man who was directing them, her stomach began to churn. She had no reason to be nervous and yet she was because her anxiety always went off the wall about such things. What if her ticket was fake? What if it didn’t work? What if there was a problem and they needed to see the buyer’s ID? What if she couldn’t claim the ticket with the information she had? What if something went wrong and August was forced to sit alone and wonder if she had bailed on him?

Now that she looked at the receipts, August’s name was nowhere to be found nor was hers. That was slightly concerning. What if Jess was right? What if this was some kind of prank? She took in a deep shuddery breath and when it was finally her turn to stand in front of the man handling the papers, she licked her lips so they weren’t so agonisingly dry before handing the papers over to him.

She felt like she was in the middle of waiting for an eternity while he looked over the details but it was the moment he pulled his brows together and made an expression of confusion that she knew something wasn’t right. He looked at her for a long moment, taking in her appearance. Maybe it was just her anxious nature, but under his gaze, she felt like he was under the impression she had stolen the papers.

“Where did you buy?” he asked her rather directly. That only made it official.

“It was sent to me by my friend. He bought them,” she explained, trying to speak through how dry her throat had suddenly become. Her Korean was a lot better since she had met August, but she hoped it was standing up now.

The man, who was rather tall and intimidating compared to Alex, glanced back down at the papers and then stepped aside, he motioned for her to step out of line too. She knew she was fucked. She was going to end up in a jail-cell by the end of this, she could feel it. Had she been set up? No, August wouldn’t do that. She refused to let herself think that it was possible. So it must have been some kind of misunderstanding or mistake.

The man directed someone else to take his job directing the traffic of the line and then brought Alex into the building. He found a woman who was perhaps twenty feet away, speaking quickly with someone else and then showed her the ticket information. Alex took deep breaths, just trying to focus on not passing out while the man talked to the person that was obviously his manager. After a few minutes, with neither of them giving away any information with their expressions, the woman came over.

“Could I please see your ID?” she asked politely as she gave Alex a smile.

Fuck. They were going to call the police. Or maybe they were already there? She was probably three minutes away from being put in the back of a cop-car, she could feel it. Alex swallowed hard and reached for her purse, hands jittery. She dropped her wallet when she finally got it out and then bent over to frantically pick it up after. She unzipped it and then took out her driver’s license.

The woman took a look at her card and then looked onto her clipboard. She did a couple of checks and then looked back at Alex and gave her a smile, handing it back to her and then passing her an envelope. Alex blinked a few times and looked down at it, confused.

“I’m very sorry, there was a misunderstanding. This is your ticket,” the woman said in a comforting tone. “Please enjoy the show. I will show you to the line.”

Alex swallowed hard and almost felt like one of those cartoon characters; she was ready for her jaw to hit the floor. “Oh…a-alright. Thank you.”

“We apologise for that mistake, please follow me,” the woman said professionally as she led Alex through the building to the area where she would enter the hall.

When they got to their destination, Alex noticed immediately that the area sectioned off with thick black rope that cut up the space into a neat maze-like line and no one besides her was there yet. She glanced at the woman, almost like she was terrified she would take her ticket away and then timidly moved to stand as the first person in line. She took a deep breath and tried to relax after that.

“Please enjoy the show. Thank you for understanding.”

Making a weak sound of approval, Alex watched as the woman left and directed a man who had followed in behind them to collect ticket stubs. Once she was gone, Alex took a deep breath and allowed herself to relax. It didn’t really work but she tried.

“May I collect your ticket?” the man asked her as he came to stand in front of the door.

Alex nodded meekly and took out her ticket with shaking hands. He ripped it and then stamped her hand. She put her ticket back inside the envelope and then stored it in her bra, for safe measure. After she managed to calm down a little more, she took out her phone and began to text August, explaining the weirdness that had just occurred and how she was pretty fucking sure she almost had a heart attack.

[Sent at 7:27 PM]: First night in Korea and I thought for sure that I was going to be hauled off to jail.

[Sent at 7:27 PM]: Go figure.

…

Getting to her seat had been a breeze considering the issues she had with her ticket. She felt like her insides were twisting while she watched people filter into her section of the hall. She paid close attention to every person she could, hoping one of them would see her and smile. But that didn’t happen. By the time her section was almost full, her stomach began to bubble and she felt nauseous.

“Where is he?” She wondered, the words in her head even sounding stressed out.

Alex wasn’t sure she had ever felt her heart beat like this. It was beyond the point where she could feel it in her ears. The muscle was pumping the blood in her body so quickly that it was making her feel light headed and a bit tingly. Taking deep breaths, trying to regulate the harsh beating against her ribs, she kept watching the entrance. However, eventually, no one else was making their way into the section anymore.

“He’s just late,” she told herself with a firm nod of her head. “He’ll be here really soon and you’ll finally be able to hug him and you will probably end up crying like a little bitch.”

Alex kept telling herself that over and over, but soon the entire place was packed, the lighting began changing and the seat next to her was still empty. She sunk into her seat a little bit and took out her phone, just trying to keep herself breathing normally. She had never been stood up before and this was a completely new kind of anxiety.

[Sent at 8:15 PM]: August, where are you? It’s starting soon.

She was shaking and she wondered if anyone else in her row could feel it. Alex was doing everything she could to keep herself from bursting out into tears. Humiliation was a light word for everything she was feeling and all the warnings Jess had voiced to her started coming to the surface of her mind. Despite everything, she kept following August’s advice, forcing herself to take deep breaths as she tried to calm down.

If he didn’t reply, she wasn’t sure that she would be able to sit through the concert. It would be so hard to actually enjoy it while she wanted to break down and cry. But he had bought the ticket and this was not a cheap show. She truly didn’t know what to do with herself and so it kept her utterly still and frozen.

It didn’t make sense that he would go through all this effort and then just ditch her. She knew that. And now she was worried about him because what if something happened to him on his way there? She didn’t think she was capable of panicking harder than she had been without actually having an attack and yet there she was, literally so close to losing it. The only thing that saved her from it was the vibration that came from her phone in her hands.

The screen was a bit blurred and she hastily wiped the tears away from her eyes while she struggled to read the message.

[Received at 8:20 PM]: im so sorry alex work held me. i will be late. but ill be there.

Taking a deep breath, relief flooded her body and it just made her eyes water more. She knew that she was overreacting to everything but she couldn’t help it. She was in an unfamiliar country alone in a situation she was frankly super anxious about. The panic had just sent her into overdrive.

Her hands shook as she heard people start to cheer. She looked up at the stage and saw figures rising out of the centre of it. That was BTS down there. Min Yoongi was in the same room as her, his beautiful face coming up on the huge screens behind the stage along with everyone else. The music began pounding and she gripped her phone a bit tighter.

In all her life, she never thought she’d look upon Min Yoongi and feel no excitement. She had been dreaming for years about being in this very position, but now it seemed so underwhelming. She knew why. She knew why without a doubt. Alex had always wanted to see BTS in person and to hear their music live. But those desires were so small in comparison to how badly she wanted to feel August next to her, holding her hand.

The truth was that Alex had never wanted anything as badly as she wanted him and she couldn’t help but dwell on that.

…

By the time the concert came to the half-way point, she knew August wasn’t going to be able to make it. She was disappointed, but it wasn’t his fault. Even being a foreigner, she knew how hard it was to get anywhere in Seoul while trying to drive a car and at this hour the traffic would be awful.

When it ended, she was straight up bummed out but trying to think of how she would talk about the concert to him. The thing Alex absolutely refused to do was make him feel guilty for this or like he wasted his money, so she committed all the little moments to memory and memorised details to recite later.

As people filtered out, she decided just to sit in her seat and wait for them to clear out. She hated the crowds too much to rush and there was no hurry anyway. She hadn’t received another text from August but she wasn’t going to push it, she was going to wait until he said something.

Once another fifteen minutes passed, she got up and began to make her way to the exit, however, there was a man waiting there who had an official-looking ear-piece in while he held a clipboard. He was probably just supervising the exit-traffic, but her stomach churned upon seeing him. She forced herself to be calm as she prepared to walk past him but then held her breath as it felt like someone sucker-punched her when he suddenly spoke.

“May I see your ticket?”

Alex wanted to groan. This was the most stressful night and there was some more stress to complement that right in front of her and asking questions. She was sure she could break out and cry at any moment now if her body truly felt like betraying her.

She felt a little awkward as she removed the ticket from her shirt and handed it to him. He flipped it, saw that it was initialed and then smiled at her. “Please follow me.”

“Not this again for fuck’s sake just let me go home and bawl, please,” she thought pathetically as she watched him turn.

Alex sighed deeply and followed him, keeping close as he led her through the building. She had no idea what was going on. She was probably going to jail, like she suspected early. They let her enjoy the concert first and now they were hauling her off.

Except they weren’t because even through her panic she knew that she wasn’t stupid. As she followed the man, it became clear she was being taken deeper into the building and then it evidently became clearer she was being led backstage. By the time that she got to a door, he turned to face her and gestured for her to open it, her heart was hammering.

“We apologise for any misunderstandings,” he told her with a smile.

Why were people saying that?  What the fuck was going on? She really wished someone would just stop being so cryptic and actually explain something to her. She was way too worn out for these kinds of mind-games and confusion.

“If you’d go inside, Mr. August will be here to see you soon.”

Chapter Text

The events of the last few days had sped by faster than he knew how to manage them. Yoongi was excited, unsure, and anxious to the point where he constantly felt nauseous. His emotions were threatening to spill over and impact everything, but he managed to keep moving forward despite it.

Alex would be in front of him in less than four hours and he swore to himself that this would be the last time he ever lied to her. He wasn’t stupid, he knew this plan of his would stress her out but he just wasn’t sure how else he could do this. He very well couldn’t be sitting next to her watching his own concert.

As Yoongi looked around he saw everyone doing the final prep to go on stage. He could hear how loud the crowd was and he knew exactly where she would be. He would know exactly where to look for her if he wanted to, but wouldn’t do any use. He couldn’t see shit when he was on stage.

His phone pinged as he was getting his mic tested one last time and he looked down. His stomach churned as he read her text because he could tell how much this was making her uncomfortable. Yoongi bit his lip and started to type fast, knowing he had to reply or else she might leave and then all of this would be for nothing.

“Yoongi, you can talk to her another time. We’re about to go on stage,” Namjoon told him, only slightly annoyed to the point where the beginnings of it started to show.

“I really can’t, she’s out there and I don’t want her to leave because I technically stood her up,” Yoongi said hastily, offering no other explanation as he told Alex work had caught him up later than he expected.

“Wait, she’s in the audience?” Namjoon asked as he came to read over Yoongi’s shoulder. When taking in the information from the texts and the details Yoongi just mentioned, it wouldn’t be hard for anyone to figure out what was going on, but especially for him. “Yoongi is she sitting out there thinking you’re going to show up?”

“Yeah,” Yoongi replied as he hit send and then took a deep shaky breath.

“You realise she thinks she has been stood up,” Namjoon said, his tone indicating how shocked he was. “You’re putting her through a lot of anxiety just to bring her backstage.”

“I know but this was the only way I could think to do it,” Yoongi said with a frown. “I couldn’t just risk going to her place and I certainly couldn’t bring her to the dorm. This was the only safe way to meet her.”

Namjoon frowned, looking towards the area he knew the crowd was. “On some level, I know you’re right, but this is fucked up. Really fucked up.”

Yoongi looked at the ground, his stomach knotting. He had felt anxious and tense this entire time, but now it was worse. Now he worried she would truly be angry at him for this. “I didn’t know another way.”

“I know…” Namjoon said as he looked at the messages Yoongi sent again. He held his breath for a moment and then looked back at his friend. He pointed to the texts and then began to speak again. “Though I suppose if she really loves you, at least who she thinks you are, she might be willing to hear you out. And if she is as kind as you say, then she might forgive you.”

“I hope so,” Yoongi said as he took a deep breath.

Before he could think anymore, his manager took his phone and told them all to get in their places. He joined the others with Namjoon and ignored how sick he felt as he waited for them to be lifted onto the stage from under it. As he rose up, he closed his eyes for a moment and took another deep breath, preparing himself and when he saw the crowd and how loud they were he forced himself to get in the headspace that he reserved for performing.

As he looked towards where he knew she was sitting, all he saw was a blur of light sticks. However, he liked to think that the part of it towards the end of the row was Alex and it gave him some much-needed comfort to perform. She was still there and hopefully, she wouldn’t leave.

…

Yoongi was trying to absorb some of the sweat from his body with a small towel when one of the managers came up to him. He suddenly felt really nervous because he had asked him to bring Alex to the room. Yoongi himself had initialed the back of her ticket so he’d know that she was the right one to escort. However, he was terrified that maybe his manager was coming to tell him that Alex had refused and gone home.

“She’s waiting, like you asked,” he told him quietly. Before Yoongi could move, he touched his arm. “In case this goes badly, we have some precautions in place. She won’t leave here until she signs a contract outlining her silence.”

“That seems extreme,” Yoongi said with a frown. “She won’t tell anyone. It’s unnecessary.”

“Unfortunately, we don’t know that and we can’t afford a scandal. You’re lucky that this wasn’t stopped. Just go meet her, if it goes wrong we will ensure her silence and then everyone will move on,” his manager told him firmly.

“Alright,” Yoongi said as he nodded his head. He got the sense his manager was slightly annoyed with him but he pushed it away and finished drying himself off with the towel. “Do you think I should change first?”

“Whatever you need to do but at this point, you’re keeping her waiting,” his manager replied as he sat down.

He got the hint. He needed to move. But Yoongi also knew he smelled bad so he did change, quickly, into something comfortable and simple; sweats and a t shirt. Once changed, he made his way to the room she was in and looked at the door handle for a while before he could even manage to make himself move an inch to open the door. Once he finally got his ass in gear, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Alex somehow looked even more like Alex in person. Which was a stupid thought on his part, but it was true. Maybe it was the fact that her eyes were wide with shock, but they were incredibly blue in person, with little washes of green throughout. Her skin was milky pale and her hair was rich chestnut brown, tied up in a high bun on the top of her head. Because her hair was done that way, he could see her piercing, the three little dots of blue along the top arch of her ear. In person, her nose still had that oddness to it that he couldn’t describe and she wasn’t skinny but her proportions were just right to be her.

He couldn’t imagine her looking any different. This was Alex and she was beautiful to him. Yoongi was pretty sure his heart had never worked harder than it was right now, a steady thumping in his chest that made him wonder about cardiac arrest.  

“H-Holy shit.”

Of course, that was the first thing he’d hear from her lips in person. It was appropriate but he couldn’t help but smile softly. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at her for a moment longer before finding his voice. “H-”

“Oh my god, I am so sorry to interrupt you,” Alex said quickly; she looked panicked, her eyes wide and her lips shaped into a frown as her hands shook a little in her lap, “but I swear I didn’t sneak in here. I was told to wait here for my friend. I didn’t know you’d come here, I’m not a sasaeng, I promise.”

A part of Yoongi felt a bit…sad that she didn’t piece together that he was her friend. But honestly, he couldn’t pretend that it didn’t make sense. There was no way any sane person would jump to the conclusion that ‘Min Yoongi walked into the room that I was waiting for August Kim in, therefore they are the same person.’

“No, I know that isn’t why you’re here,” he told her, mustering his best English. When he typed, it was better, he knew that for sure. When he spoke his pronunciation needed work. “Alex…I-”

“Holy shit, Min Yoongi knows my name…”

He couldn’t help it, he had to laugh at that. So he did, softly, and then he looked around for a way to make this more comfortable. He took another chair from the side and sat down in front of her, clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry I keep interrupting you, I’m just really overwhelmed and confused,” Alex swallowed hard and then reached up to grab her necklace so she could rub her thumb over the surface of the charm, a silver bird. “Do you know August?”

Yoongi pressed his lips together. There was no way that this would be easy to say to her and, for the first time, he was having second thoughts. He was literally about to shatter their entire relationship and he wasn’t ready to watch her walk out of his life now that she had just got there. He tried to smile, but he knew it looked half-hearted, and he brought his hand to the back of his neck again.

“Alex, over the past eight months or so we’ve been talking online. We met on Tumblr,” Yoongi told her as he looked up at her again.

Alex was so still and silent that he worried that maybe she didn’t believe him. Or maybe she was waiting for cameras to pop out or something. He could tell by the way she held herself that she was just waiting for the other foot to fall.

“Oh…” She bit her lip and kept touching her necklace. She was painfully quiet and Yoongi was truly afraid that he would have to rely on a contractual obligation for her silence. Alex suddenly looked up at him, confusion showing clear on her features. “But you told me your name was Augu-…oh.”

Yoongi smiled though it was a bit humourless. Truthfully, he was so nervous he had to hold himself back from getting sick. This was going very wrong, very fast. He expected excitement, joy, crying, anything. But she was just so painfully silent.

“Au-…Yoongi…I should go,” she said quietly as she stood up, gathering her things.

“Wait, Alex, please,” he said as he stood up too. He was in such a rush for this not to come to the worst end possible that he ended up speaking to her in Korean without meaning to. “Please don’t go.”

Alex stood frozen for a moment and then slowly placed her bag on the chair. She crossed her arms over her torso and then paced a little, still rubbing her necklace with one hand. “Yoongi, this won’t ever work. We can’t be friends…we…we can’t be more than friends.”

Yoongi sighed and his shoulders slumped a little bit. “Alex, I know it will be tough but-”

“No, if I am staying, I am going to speak right now.” Yoongi straight up swallowed hard because suddenly, she was quivering and squeezing her hands into fists. Alex was angry. “How could you go online and just start talking to a fan that has a clear obsession with you? Do you realise how dangerous that is for your safety? You’re really fucking lucky that I am not crazy and actually have my head screwed on right. You…if you had done this and someone else but me was in this room right now, something really bad could have happened to you. It was so fucking reckless.”

Of all the things he expected her to say, it wasn’t this. She had technically be swindled by him and led on for months and yet she was worried about him and his safety. He had absolutely no doubt in his mind, he didn’t want whatever he shared with her to disappear now. “I know…but I don’t just do that all the time. You were the first person I ever started talking to. You were the first blog I ever looked at…and…I just wanted to talk to you.”

“So this isn’t just something you do for fun?” Alex asked frown a frown, looking unsure of herself.

Yoongi wanted to allow himself to feel hurt but he couldn’t because she had every right to feel like she did. It only made sense that after being told their relationship was based on a huge lie that she would second guess other things too. But he had to get her to a place where she understood that everything he ever said to her about how he felt was genuine.

Yoongi quickly shook his head as he looked at her pacing form. “No, it’s not like that. I ended up seeing your blog by accident.”

Alex sighed and then sat down in front of him again, biting her lip. He could tell by just the look on her face that she was like a skittish animal trapped in an uncomfortable situation. Anything could set her off and she’d bolt for good. She continued to rub her necklace and take deep breaths.

“Alex, everything I’ve ever told you that wasn’t related to personal details I couldn’t tell you like my name or where I work…I swear I didn’t lie to you,” he told her gently as he reached out to her and gently placed his hand on her knee for just a moment to try and reassure her. “At first I never expected this to develop this way and I couldn’t tell you who I was online.”

Alex nodded a couple of times and then kept breathing deeply. Yoongi hoped this was a good sign, that it meant that she was calming down a little bit. Maybe, just maybe, she’d come around.

“It’s still really wrong,” Alex told him with a frown. “It feels like you targeted me, a fan of yours…it feels like there should be cameras around me or something...like this is some kind of stunt for a variety show.”

Well, that stung. But once again, he pushed it down because he recognised he had no right to feel like he was a victim in this. Yoongi knew that he just had to let Alex get her feelings out and then maybe after that they could see if what was there remained.

“I didn’t start this with some kind of sadistic intention,” Yoongi told her as he looked into her eyes. His were pleading and hopeful, giving her puppy-eyes without intending too. “I knew I should have stopped talking to you. I told myself it over and over again.”

“Then why didn’t you?” Alex asked him softly, pouting a little bit like she didn’t quite understand.

Yoongi’s expressed softened. “Because I fell in love with you.”

Alex shook her head and then let out a shuddery breath. “That…that can’t be true. I mean, I’m me and you’re…well you’re you. You couldn’t be in love with someone like me.” She paused and rubbed her forehead, closing her eyes. “You couldn’t love someone like me when you have other people who are stunningly beautiful around you all the time.”

“You said you’re a fan but don’t you read?” Yoongi asked her as he reached out and took her hands. He looked deeply into her eyes. “I don’t give a shit what you look like. You’re you and it’s all I want.”

Alex shivered and watched him and, at this point, she just looked confused. It was as if the concept wasn’t possible to her. He wanted to erase that insecurity from her but he didn’t know how. 

She parted her lips and spoke softly, hanging her head. “Well, you must be pretty disappointed then.”

Yoongi wanted to recoil and he shook his head. He reached forward and gently touched the side of her face. “Alex you could literally be wearing a garbage bag and I wouldn’t care because you’re you.”

“Are you kidding? My clothes are great,” she laughed a bit as she took her free hand and wiped at the tears forming. “It’s what I look like.”

“I don’t care about that,” he reinforced.

“I’m fat,” she said as she laughed again. “This is so fucking stupid.”

“I don’t care,” Yoongi told her again firmly. “I literally couldn’t give a single fuck about how much weight is on your body. I love the person living in it.”

“Yoongi, my nose is ugly,” she said as the tears really began to fall, desperately trying to find something to rebuff him with.

“So is mine,” he said as he shrugged, “so what? Do you think I love you because of your nose?”

“Stop saying that!” she said as if he was saying something out loud that he shouldn’t be saying. She wiped at her eyes again, her breathing becoming a little shakier. “How can you act like this is okay?”

“Because it is,” he said with a small laugh. “Because there is nothing wrong with you. Because we’ll figure this out and everything will be okay. I could list a hundred reasons why this is okay.”

“Yoongi I don’t think we’re right for each other,” Alex told him rather pathetically. Yoongi could tell she was having some issues translating everything into Korean and then saying it, but she was trying her best and he could understand her. “I mean, I’m Canadian and you’re from South Korea.”

“You’re observant,” he told her with a small teasing smile, trying to lighten the mood with humour.

Alex narrowed her eyes a little in response. “This is not the time to tease me. There is so much to worry about here. What if this is temporary? Like a rush or a thrill th-”

“Alex, please shut up,” Yoongi told her softly as brushed some of her bangs away from her eyes. “I love you.”

“But-”

“And I don’t toss that word around lightly,” he finished as he squeezed her hand that he was holding and laced his fingers with hers. “I like what’s inside you.”

Now she tried to attempt some humour as she rubbed at her eyes and laughed through a choked-up sob. “That sounded kind of messed up when I translated it into English.”

He stopped to think about it and then grinned, raising his brow at her. “I’m sure I’ll like that too.”

Alex’s eyes went wide and a blush crept up from her neck onto her cheeks. “Y-Yoongi, that was a bit forward.”

“Seeing the blush made it totally worth it,” he told her, continuing to try and lighten the mood with some gentle teasing. “God, you’re beautiful to me…how don’t you see it?”

“I…” Alex looked truly at a loss for words, her lips parted and her brows knitted together. “Because I don’t…?”

“One day maybe you will,” he told her as he took both of her hands again. “Are…are we okay?”

“I…I don’t know, this is a lot to take in,” Alex told him as she held her breath a little bit. “What…what does this mean? Where do we go from here?”

Yoongi smiled softly and squeezed her hands a little, starting to let that hopefulness take over. She was asking questions now, this was good. It meant she was opening her mind to the possibility.

“We explore this a bit,” he told her with a small smile on his lips. “We spend time with each other and see if it works in person. Nothing is really going to change except that we’re going to see each other in person and that we will have to go to extreme precautions to never be caught doing so.”

“Oh right, scandals,” Alex said as she shook her head a little. “This is a lot to swallow…I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Yoongi told her with a gentle smile. “Do you think you might be okay with going forwards?” He felt truly nervous now for some reason. Asking someone on a date shouldn’t be hard. Now he was the one who felt anxious and terrified. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

Alex shyly nodded and then smiled just a little bit, like she was allowing herself to experience a bit of hope. Just like he did. “Yeah…I think I’d like that.”

Chapter Text

Since she had gone to the concert and spoken with him in person, Yoongi had been a nervous but excited mess. She had said yes. Alex said yes to him, that she wanted to try for a little more. Truthfully, a small part of him had expected her to refuse him. The darker and more cynical part of him had expected her to be furious but, even though he had experienced just a little of her anger because of the whole situation, that part of him had been wrong. He was truly thankful about that. So now he was left to try and figure out where their date would be and deal with the extreme urge to talk to her.

Currently, it was an hour after noon and he looked through their texts about her schedule while he sat on the couch in the living room. Alex was on a special tour of her neighbourhood, so she could find her way around and not get lost. It was due to be over in another hour. Today seemed as good as any possible day to have their date.

“So you met her online?” Jimin asked, sitting next to him and trying to wrap his mind around it. “When you met her, how did she react?”

“She was…surprised but mostly she was a bit upset with me,” Yoongi said as he set his phone aside for a moment and looked at his groupmate. “She said I put myself in a lot of danger and it was foolish.”

Jimin smiled a little and then shrugged as he glanced towards Yoongi almost shyly. “Is she wrong? At least she seems to have her head on right.”

“I don’t think I would have fallen for someone who was truly obsessed. It would have weirded me out.” Yoongi knew he probably sounded like he was trying to justify the fact that he fell in love with her. But he wanted to make sure the others knew that she wasn’t just some person who put her love for them above everything else in her life. “She seemed to like me for my personality. Besides…she didn’t know she was talking to me all those months. I saw the real her.”

“It sounds nice,” Jimin said, his voice coming out a little distant and his eyes looking distracted as he fiddled with the rings on his hand. “I’m glad you’re happy, you really deserve it. But be careful. You’re still feeling things out, right?”

“Yeah,” Yoongi told him with a nod of his head. “I’m still going to be careful.”

He was about to put his phone down when he felt it vibrate and then heard his text notification go off. Jimin could probably guess who had sent it because upon seeing her name in his notifications, Yoongi smiled softly. Yoongi checked the text and looked up at Jimin with the same smile he had when he found out that her tour had ended early.

“I think I could ask her on the date today but…I don’t know where we could possibly do it,” Yoongi told him, the tone in his voice obviously hinting that he was asking for advice. “We can’t just go out somewhere in public for obvious reasons. While the company never stopped us from dating, I don’t want to endanger Alex’s safety.”

“Yeah,” Jimin said heavily as he let out a sigh and then bit his lip. Yoongi knew he had set his mind on trying to find a solution. “It’s not the media, but the fans you’re worried about, right?”

“Of course…the media can say whatever they want. I could care less because whatever lies they made up would be untrue,” Yoongi told him firmly. “But I don’t want Alex being attacked by a deranged few. Some people might have an adverse reaction to her foreign status.”

“Well…you could always bring her here?” Jimin said, posing it as a question as he looked towards his older friend. “I know it would allow her to know our address but if you trust her that shouldn’t be an issue…and the worst case scenario is that we have to move…” Jimin paused and tilted his head a little. “Though, that wouldn’t be the greatest.”

Yoongi paused, seriously considering it. He could just bring Alex to the dorm, tell everyone he would like some privacy with her, and have coffee with her at the kitchen table. They could just talk and continue to get to know each other. He could show her the list. It was almost perfect and it felt so right; the two of them somewhere quiet where there was no pressure.

Yoongi smiled and looked back at Jimin, putting his hand on his shoulder for a moment. “That’s a really good idea. Thank you.”

“The only thing is that you know we’re going to want to meet her,” Jimin told him with a bit of a mischievous smile.

“I know you are.” Yoongi sighed and shook his head before he stood up and then stretched, brushing himself off a little bit once he finished. “I’m going to see if she is alright with the idea. Thanks for your help.”

Jimin watched him as he stood and then stood too, nodding. He gave him a very soft smile and then touched the side of his arm. “Good luck with her. I really hope this works out for you because I know she makes you happy.”

“She does,” Yoongi said with a bit of a smile.

He nodded towards Jimin and then began to walk off, making his way to his room he shared with Jin. He got inside and then sat on his bed with a heavy sigh, bringing his phone back to life and then pressing on her number. He brought the phone to his ear and waited patiently, lying back on the bed and looking towards the ceiling. He had to wonder how many countless nights he had stared at this very ceiling dreaming about this moment. It made his stomach flutter a little but the thought process was interrupted when he heard her answer.

“Yoongi? Hello. How are you?”

God her voice was soft. He loved the way she focused on her enunciation when she spoke Korean, almost over pronouncing her syllables to make sure that he clearly understood her. Not to mention, she sounded nervous and he could only assume it was because she was still just getting used to the idea that she was speaking to Min Yoongi. With only half a week since the concert, she was still adjusting.

“I’m good,” he told her with a small smile on his face. “I was wondering if you’re busy today now that you finished the tour?”

“No, I am not. I was about to head back home,” she told him, her tone sounding just a little shy through the speaker. “Do you want to meet up somewhere?”

Yoongi smiled because she caught onto his drift so fast. It wasn’t something particularly difficult, since he made it pretty obvious what he was leading up to, but it still made him feel a bit warm inside that she had been able to continue on with his train of thought. It was another sign to him that they worked well together.

“I was hoping that maybe we could have that date we spoke of,” he told her after he took in a deep breath, gathering some courage. “The only thing is that I feel like it would be a bad thing to meet up in public so soon. I don’t want any adverse reactions so soon.”

“That makes sense,” she told him quickly, indicating she understood. “Where would you like to meet then?”

“The dorm?”

Yoongi let the question hang for a moment, giving her time to process. He knew it was a bit strange for a first date to take place in one of their homes but truthfully their relationship wasn’t exactly normal. He just hoped that she didn’t think he was up to anything or being too forward.

“Alright…but are you sure it’s okay? I mean, it’s not just your space and I wouldn’t want to impose on the others there.” She paused and the rest of her thought came out rather fast. “I promise I won’t be weird about it or anything. At least I will try not to be. I might be a little shy. I mean, I can guarantee I won’t cry or pass out but I might be a bit quiet.”

Once again, she made him smile. Alex remained as thoughtful in person as she had been when he was talking to her online, even if in person was a loose technicality since they were speaking on the phone. On top of it, she was funny even if she was just rambling on.

“Alex, it’s alright. No one expects you to be one-hundred percent comfortable right away,” Yoongi told her softly as a small smile remained on his lips. “What time would you like to come? And would you mind if I had someone pick you up? It’s easier for discretion if you were brought here.”

“Whatever time works for you…I would like to get home and change though…”

Yoongi bit his lip, considering how he would dress. Fuck, he hadn’t even considered that. He knew he might need some time as well. “How about four?”

“Four sounds good. I’ll text you my address.”

“Alright. I’ll see you then,” he told her, feeling his stomach knot up in excitement.

After they said their goodbyes, he hung up and then shivered. She was coming there in three hours to talk. He could finally start with that list and ask her the things he had been dying to ask her. They could finally spend time together and see if the feelings applied to in real life, even though he was already beyond certain that they did.

Yoongi got up and set his phone aside. Three hours was plenty of time to figure out what the hell he was going to wear and tell the others what was going to happen, but he wanted to get it all out of the way now. It might allow him to actually relax.

…

The person he loved was coming to his dorm and she would get there in the next fifteen minutes. He was so nervous, his stomach was tumbling and he clutched onto his notebook like it was the only thing anchoring him. He looked to his side when he felt a hand land on his shoulder.

“Relax,” Namjoon told him as he took the notebook and set it on the table. “You’ve already met her, right? Now you’re just meeting again.”

“I know but this is different,” Yoongi said as he took in another breath. He did relax with his friend’s help, letting go of some of the tension. “This is the test, you know? To see if we work?”

Namjoon smiled a little and shook his head. “You’ve been working for months. You’ll be fine. Now you’re just going to continue that in person. If you put too much pressure on this you’ll make it feel awkward and forced. So just relax. You’ll be fine. She already likes you, it’s pretty much doubly assured.”

“Right, okay,” Yoongi said as he let out another deep breath. He relaxed his shoulders and closed his eyes for a moment. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I wouldn’t want to see you mess up something you did all that crazy shit for just because you can’t relax,” Namjoon told him with a teasing smile and shook his head.

Yoongi raised his brow and turned to look at him. “I wouldn’t call it crazy…”

“You once came to me with a paragraph she wrote about you and replaced your name with Mario…” Namjoon told him, his voice rather flat as he raised his brow in return.

“Oh…” Yoongi said, his face heating up. He had managed to go a couple days without feeling the clutching grip of embarrassment this time. Too bad Namjoon had ruined that streak. “You knew about that.”

“Please it was the only thing that made sense once I learned about her,” Namjoon said with a laugh as he shook his head. “I mean, unless you truly wanted me to believe you were into some weird shit.”

“You might have a point,” Yoongi agreed with a sigh as he shook his head. Truthfully, he wanted to just lie on the ground at this point.

Namjoon laughed and put his hand on his shoulder again but before he could speak more, they both heard a light tapping at the front door. He turned to look towards the area and then back at Yoongi. “Well, good luck. I’ll get out of your hair now.”

Yoongi nodded as he walked off and then made his way to the door. He was dressed comfortably. Jeans and a long-sleeved shirt that was a bit long. He didn’t need to go crazy for this and he wanted them both to feel relaxed. He took a breath and then reached forwards, opening it and giving her a smile. “Hey Alex.”

Alex looked nice. She was wearing a long-sleeved dark blouse which buttoned at the front, a skirt that had thick black and white blocks of colour arranged in stripes, merely alternating a few times, and thin black tights. He smiled a little at the fact that she was wearing socks over her tights, for what he assumed was to make her boots a more comfortable fit. It was dorky of her but really fucking cute.

Her nails were painted and she wore five rings, he counted, spread across her hands; two on her left, one on her thumb and middle finger and then three on the right, adding the pinky to the mix. Unlike the last time he saw her, her long hair was down and flowed in gentle waves over her back and shoulders, framing her face along with her glasses.

Yoongi took his time to notice every detail about her that he could. No one had ever quite looked so right to him before and he could feel his heart beating just a bit faster. He wanted this to be seared into his memory because he had a feeling that this would be the first day of a relationship. If not that, he had a feeling it was going to be a very good day and he wanted to remember it fondly.

“Hi,” she told him with a light smile as she stepped inside once he moved out of her way. She looked around and her eyes behind her glasses were curious but he could tell by how her hands shook a little when she reached down to remove her shoes that she was nervous. “Thank you for inviting me.”

When she stood up straight he could tell she didn’t know what to do; rather if she should hug him in greeting or just stand there awkwardly. So he took the initiative. Yoongi reached for her hand, starting out slow, and led her into the dorm proper and watched her expression. She almost looked a bit intimidated.

“Wow, it’s really nice,” she told him as she turned to him and gave him a soft smile. “Does everyone live here all the time?”

“Yeah,” he told her as he nodded and brought her to the living room. The coffee was set up on the coffee table already and he led her to sit down on the couch. His notebook was lying face down on the table, ready for him to grab it. “They’re in their rooms right now. I asked them for some time to spend with you.”

“Oh…I hate to impose on them. This is their home,” Alex told him as she peeked towards and hallway and frowned. Once she was sitting, she smoothed her skirt a bit, making sure it wasn’t out of place. “Are you sure this is okay?”

Yoongi nodded and took her hand again, lacing their fingers. His stomach fluttered upon the realisation that her hand seemed to fit rather perfectly in his and he smiled warmly as he looked back into her eyes. “It was actually Jimin’s idea to use the dorm. I promise it’s okay.”

“Alright,” she replied as she visually relaxed a little, letting the tension in her shoulders go. She looked down at their hands too and then squeezed a little before looking back up at him. “So…I’d like to talk a little more about us…and how we got here.”

Yoongi figured they still needed time to discuss everything, especially how they began talking. This wasn’t exactly going to be the easiest transition but he wanted to make sure it went smoothly. So he nodded his head and squeezed her hand gently in return.

“I feel like everything happening is pretty genuine…at least that is what I want to believe,” she said quietly as she looked towards the coffee for a moment. “But the logical part of me says that this is just some kind of media stunt or something. How could you just decide to randomly talk to a fan? And keep talking to that fan? And then actually have genuine feelings for that said fan?”

Her face fell a little and she bit her lip. She almost looked a little guilty and it gave Yoongi the strong suspicion that Alex felt bad for questioning him this way. But he knew that for her, it was something she had to do. She had to ensure that there was nothing amiss and he respected that.

“Well, I could tell you a lot of things from my side…I didn’t intend for this to happen this way, but I couldn’t stop talking to you either,” he told her softly, trying to find a good place to start the conversation. Before he could open his mouth to continue, someone clearing their throat stopped him.

Both he and Alex looked up towards the hall and spotted the six other members of his group peeking out from the entryway. He shook his head a little because he should have known better and then he looked to check on Alex. Her eyes were open wide and she looked a little scared.

“Relax,” Yoongi told her softly as he squeezed her hand. “They’re just people. Like me and you.”

“I know but holy shit,” she responded softly, her voice coming out a bit mousy. “That’s BTS…”

“I’m also a part of BTS,” he said as he smiled a little, amused. She talked to him like he was just another person she was whispering with and he fucking adored it.

“I know but you’re also just August,” she told him with a little smile, keeping her voice low.

If he wasn’t already smiling, that would have just melted his heart and made the dopiest smile appear on his lips. It changed nonetheless, becoming gummier in nature. He looked back towards the others when they walked closer. They all began introducing themselves, bowing very slightly and Alex returned their greeting with a nervous smile.

“We…We just wanted to help,” Jimin said as he looked at the others and then back to her. “You’re worried about Yoongi and how he talked to you-”

“It’s thanks to me,” Jungkook said as he nodded his head very seriously, perhaps trying to be a little tougher than he actually ways.

“Sure it was,” Jin told him in a way and tone that was more than clear that he expected him to behave, along with the other two as well. He gave them all the mom-look. “What we just want to say is if you can’t believe Yoongi, maybe you can believe us. I know he woke me up way too many times laughing at something you wrote him.”

“He took it upon himself to actually learn English just to talk to you and even asked me to give him lessons,” Namjoon told her, speaking in English. Yoongi was unsure if it was because he loved the chance to flaunt his skills or if it was to make her more comfortable. “Before he could he was so curious about you that he brought a paragraph from your blog to me and-”

“I’ll throw something at you,” Yoongi told him as he narrowed his eyes.

“-and asked me to translate it for him,” Namjoon finished as he smiled like a little shit. “He has been invested in you for a long time.”

Alex blinked and looked at Yoongi, her eyes showing a lot of emotions but surprise being the most prevalent. “You learned English for me?”

“Yeah…I really wanted to talk with you and have an easier time. I wanted to have deeper conversations,” he told her with a shy smile.

“Oh! And he even doodled your name in this notebook!” Jimin said with an excited smile as he passed it to her.

Except Yoongi had not done that. He hadn’t written anything about her name except in his questions-book, which was lying on the coffee table. Yoongi raised his brow as he looked at it, watching as Alex flipped open the first page and saw ‘ALECKS~~~ <3’ written in bubbly handwriting in different variations of size and shape. There was no question that Yoongi did not write that because he would have had the decency to spell her name right and his handwriting looked nothing like that. Namjoon, who was close enough to see it too, simply put his fingers to the bridge of his nose between his eyebrows and pinched slightly.

Alex, however, smiled very softly. She looked up at Jimin and closed the book, holding it close. “Thank you for showing me.”

“You’re welcome,” Jimin said with a proud smile. He put his hand behind his back and Taehyung high-fived it.

“I think what everyone is trying to say is that we haven’t seen Yoongi this happy in a long time,” Hoseok said after he cleared his throat. “And there are no tricks here. Just a unique situation.”

“So we just wanted to ask you to give our boy a chance,” Namjoon said, picking up from where Hoseok left off as he looked at the others and nodded before he looked back at Alex.

“Because he’s meant everything he said!” Taehyung added to the end quickly, smiling warmly and nodding proudly to himself. “And he wrote your name in the book.”

Yoongi looked at them, a little surprised by the way they spoke and wondered if he had ever felt more grateful to have them all in his life than he did in this moment. They knew how much this meant to him and, just like they always stepped up to support each other, they were doing everything they could to try and help. They were more than groupmates and more than friends. They were his family, they took care of each other and he wouldn’t forget this kindness they had done him.

He smiled softly at them and then looked towards Alex, his heart picking up because he knew her answer was going to lay out the path they’d take. He hoped she’d say yes. He felt like he had never been this anxious for an answer before in his life, every little second felt like it took four. He watched as Alex took a deep breath, gathering her voice as she looked back up at them again. She smiled softly and her cheeks had the faintest dusting of pink on them, her shyness showing through.

“Of course I’m going to give him a chance.” Alex told them softly as she looked back towards him. Her eyes held a lot of emotions in them, shining from the soft lights above and looking like they could be on the verge of watery. She squeezed his hand and, before she even began to say the next part of her sentence, he felt warmth spread through his body. “Because I think I love him too.”

Yoongi’s heart felt like it was being squished into a tight ball and exploding at the same time. It was like a pang right to his chest, hitting him hard, but then it dissolved and all he could feel was warmth, right up to his fingertips. He moved forwards and hugged her, feeling how fucking perfect she felt in his arms and it wasn’t because she fit just right. It was because she was Alex and he was finally fucking holding her and it was everything he imagined it would be.

Namjoon smiled happily when he saw them. He turned towards the others and smirked as he began to steer everyone back into the hallway, getting them into their own rooms. “Come on kids, let’s leave the adults to talk.”

“Yeah, talking sure,” Jungkook’s voice floated from the hallway and Yoongi could only imagine him rolling his eyes.

Alex laughed softly and pressed her face into the crook of his neck. He knew she was crying somewhat, he could hear it in the way her voice broke. “The journal thing was a nice idea but poorly executed on their part.”

Yoongi laughed too and shook his head, pulling away from her. Like he suspected, her eyes were watery but she looked so fucking happy that it just brought the smile right to his face. “But I do have a different journal.”

Alex blinked as he reached for it, handing it to her. She opened it curiously while he explained what it was, feeling the pages beneath her fingers. Yoongi knew she liked the way paper felt, she had told him it’s why she preferred actual books to electronic ones.

“When I didn’t know when we would meet, but I knew that one day we would, I started to make a list of all the things I wanted to talk about and do with you when we finally met and you knew who I was,” Yoongi started as he watched her, feeling his heart pick up again. He bit his lip for a moment as he read the first three along with her.  

1.       Bath Bombs

2.       Kisses  Coffee

3.       Kisses

Alex looked at him and she bit her lip, holding the notebook so tightly that her fingertips turned white. She looked close to crying as she flipped the page and then another, seeing that there were hundreds of suggestions written along the lines of the paper. She took a deep breath as she looked at some of the scribbled notes in the margins and smiled again. “You…You made this list for me?”  

“Yeah,” he told her as he rubbed the back of his neck, feeling just a little shy. He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes. “I want to go through it with you but I was hoping that, for now, we could skip to number three.”

Alex held her breath and looked down at the list. She had read it and they knew she was well aware of what number three was, but she just wanted to check again. The blush on her cheeks got a little more intense and she looked back up at him, nodding.

Every beat of his heart at this point was like a slam against his ribs, but he ignored it. He leaned towards her slowly, cupping her cheek with one hand, watching as her eyes fluttered closed. He followed her lead and closed his eyes too as he pressed his lips to hers, giving her the first kiss that he would give her out of a collection of countless others.  

FIN