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There was a painful silence at the war table. They all remembered the last time Solas left the Inquisitor. She had defeated Corypheus, but her laughter and smiles were filled with sadness, her eyes always gazing in the distance with a longing that made everyone feel heartbroken. Her eyes were puffy weeks after that. After Corypheus’ defeat, Lavellan took a deep breath, smiled and waved and took compliments with a grace of the winner of a war. But that evening, when she stood alone on her balcony and overlooked the snowy mountains, she felt her heart break.
They all tried to make her feel better, and she tried her best to become happy again, to find greater meaning in being the Inquisitor after there wasn’t a war to fight. She traveled across all the places they had been and helped people to rebuild, to recover. She always had her trusted friends at her side, and slowly she began to heal. But Lavellan didn't stop hoping and waiting for Solas. Everyday she woke up, thinking that maybe today he would show up at her doorstep, with a soft, apologetic smile on his lips, and just a tiny glimpse of guilt in his eyes, that he would ask her to be with him, and take her away with him. But as days and months passed, her hope slowly faded.
And then, after two years of waiting for her beloved, she finally heard his voice again. There, at the Crossroads, he was. As beautiful as ever. And the sadness in his eyes told her that he had dreaded this moment. That he wanted to see her, touch her, love her. Seeing his face again, and his eyes upon her, she felt hope flutter again somewhere deep in her heart, maybe this time everything would be alright, maybe she could convince him for them to stay together. Maybe she could convince him to take her with him, even to the edge of the world, as long as they were together.
But her love wasn’t enough.
-I will never forget you.- he said, and turned to leave.
-Solas! – she cried, unable to even stand up,
- stay with me! Solas!
He didn’t turn back.
Cullen, Josie and Leliana had seen the Inquisitor, after Dorian had brought her back and to the healer. She was unconscious, half her arm gone and with bleeding wound. The healer was good at her job, and a few hours later Lavellan opened her eyes. They put bandages on the wound on her arm, gave her potions that made her wake up, but inside she felt like a husk. Now there was only emptiness in her soul.
Lavellan barely took notice of the Exalted Council. She nodded along whatever Cassandra and Leliana said, and could only push Solas out of her mind for a brief moment, to say those few words that decided the fate of Inquisition.
After that she went to her quarters and fell in to a deep sleep. Leliana appointed guards at her bedside to be sure that she wouldn't harm herself. It wasn’t even necessary, because everyone was at her bedside anyway. The next morning, Varric was sitting at her bedside and she suddenly woke up with a loud gasp. She looked disoriented and confused, and then she saw Varric.
-Let me die.- were her first words, her voice barely audible, and her eyes staring blankly into the wall.
Varric tried to calm her down long enough to call for reinforcements. Usually they were in pairs. Except Dorian. He always asked everyone to leave him alone with Lavellan.
When he knocked on her door, and went in, Cassandra and Leliana both stood up from their chairs and left. Dorian sat down on her bed, and looked at Lavellan. She was lying down but her eyes were open. They were red. His gaze traveled to the stump of her arm. Dorian still couldn't avert his gaze from the eerie emptiness where Lavellan's hand used to be. He had to concentrate to shift his view to her face.
-My friend, you have been in bed for almost a week. You must get up and we must have a drink. – he said, his voice quiet, but encouraging.
She looked at him. The hollowness in her eyes scared him. For a moment she said nothing.
-Dorian... I appreciate that you are with me, but I cannot... I cannot continue to live like this.. – her eyes glistened with tears.
- My heart is shattered and there is nothing left for others. There is nothing left of me. – she said and the last words broke, as tears started rolling from her eyes.
-You still have us, my friend. You have me. – Dorain said, feeling a knot in his throat. He streched out his arms and she slowly fell into his embrace, crying. He hugged her tightly.
-I love him, Dorian. But after Crossroads... he couldn't even look me in the eye and break up with me properly. It hurts so much that I can't even think about anything else. I can't feel my body, even less so my heart. I feel tired all the time, but I can't sleep. And I have lost him, and... I cannot love anyone else. There is only emptiness in me now. - she was speaking quickly, trying to hold back tears, and gasping between words. But she couldn't hold back tears.
She cried for what felt like hours. Finally, when her tears run dry, she was silent for a long time, and finally she lifted her head from his lap and looked straight into Dorian's eyes, staring at him for a few moments. Her gaze was full of longing and bitterness. He felt strange, as if this glance wasn't really meant for him, as if Lavellan was looking through him, as if she was in another world, searching for Solas.
-Would you have me... in another life? - she breathed, so quiet it felt more like a thought than an actual sentence.
A sharp pain went through Dorian's whole body and for a moment he thought he would faint from sadness. He cupped her face, lingered for a moment, then slowly pressed his lips against her forehead, and pulled her in an embrace.
-I would, amatus. - he said, as tears started streaming down his face and fell into her hair.
That night, he cradled her into his arms, soothing her into sleep.
~~~
She felt better when she was with Dorian. They would nap together in his big armchair or her bed, cuddled up in a ball, or sit in quiet place in the bar and talk for hours, or walk around Skyhold at nighttime when there were few people outside. Lately, she couldn't stand loud and cheerful banters.
All the hopeful thoughts about living happily with Solas, having children with him ,being a real family, were destroyed. Her heart ached and she often slept restlessly, tossing and turning, crying in her sleep and seeing him in her dreams, still reaching out to him, waiting for him. There was not a place for another man in her heart. She soon started to look different, her eyes had lost the sparkle in them, and her beautiful and gentle features had become mournful, her yearning after Solas leaving marks in her face – lines under her eyes and at the sides of her mouth, her skin losing its ethereal glow.
Dorian was there to make sure that she didn’t do any harm to herself. He was her best friend, even if it meant seeing her at her worst. After Lavellan had lost her arm, only he saw her tears at night. He knew that at the moment he was the only one who could offer her solace.