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Jace did wonder if things would have gone differently if he realized sooner that he loved Addax. If he had realized before he was staring at Addax through the screen of the Panther, at odds for the first time since the tentative Oricon/Diaspora alliance had formed. Jace found himself considering this in the memory den, after manipulating every possible choice: changing which way they travelled, refusing to bring Ibex on board, garnering as little animosity as possible. None of it made a difference. Jace remembers Orth saying they were put on the mission to die, how it confirmed every fear he’d ever had, how he always made himself first in line to get hurt. Jace thinks that was how it was always meant to be. It was always supposed to end a with a series of falls: the alliance falling apart, Jace falling from the Panther, but before all that: Jace falling for Addax.
Addax was the only good thing about the memory den, that Jace got to see his face despite having maybe lost the ability to ever lay eyes on the real thing again. During the whole of the war, Jace had kissed Addax once. It was a desperate and hungry thing, Jace still trying to convey his unprocessed feelings with the curves of his lips, the way his hands tangled in Addax’s hair, the way he pressed his body against his with no space for anything to come between them. In retrospect, Jace should have realized right then how hopelessly in love he was, but the reality didn’t dawn until it was too late. So, Jace found himself running new scenarios all together. Ones in which he became intimate with the way Addax’s lips moved against his so much sooner, ones where he got to whisper “I love you” into the place where Addax’s neck met his shoulders, ones where he fell asleep to the rhythm of Addax’s breathing against his back. Those scenarios didn’t result in a different outcome either; Jace didn’t expect them to. Those scenarios did have one unique advantage, however. They allowed Jace to live his ten years dead to the world with the love of his life, not in the way that he expected, but in a way that was enough.
When Jace saw Addax in the crowd on the day that Ibex gave his speech, Jace had to shake the feeling that this was just another scenario in the memory den. But that smile, oh that smile, it was brighter than anything Jace could have cooked up from his memories alone. The distance between them seemed to close within a matter of seconds and soon Jace was face to face with Addax, and he couldn’t help the tears from falling as he reached up to grip Addax’s face and whispered, “I thought I would never see you again.”
Addax was crying too, Jace realized, and Addax touched the hand Jace had placed on his face like he half-expected it to not be tangible. And he let out a choked laugh and said, “I thought you were dead.”
Jace couldn’t stand the guilt and sadness on Addax’s face, couldn’t stand the tears that were running down his face, and so Jace closed the almost miniscule distance that separated them to press a kiss to Addax’s lips, and Addax returned it like he was starved, and Jace decided he was too. He was clinging to Addax now, as he fit his lips to his, and they were both still crying, tears mingling together. When Addax pulled away he was beaming, and Jace began to pepper kisses all over Addax’s face, determined to kiss the tears away. And soon Addax was laughing, and it was the most beautiful sound Jace had ever heard in his life.
“Jace,” Addax tried to say in between Jace’s unending kisses, until Jace finally stopped to let him speak, still holding on to him tight. “Jace, how….how are you here?”
Jace sighed. “It’s a long story, and better left for when we’re not in the middle of a crowd gathered to listen to Ibex.”
Addax looked around like he had suddenly become aware of where they were. “You’re right, sorry. Why don’t you tell me on the way back to my apartment.”
Jace raised an eyebrow at that, and then beamed at Addax. “Yeah, yeah sure.”
Jace recounted the whole story of the memory den as he and Addax walked slowly to Addax’s place. The whole thing seemed kind of distant and trivial now that Addax was standing here next to him, but Jace saw Addax’s face change from contentment to guilt as he continued with his story. By the time the two had stepped into Addax’s small apartment, Addax was wringing his hands as he stopped Jace near the entrance. “Jace, I- I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to relive for 10 years, and I’m sorry for putting you in that situation because I let fear and... Order speak louder than my own instinct.”
Jace could see the years of regret weighing on Addax, and all he wanted to do in that moment was get rid of a little bit of that weight. So, Jace reached out to hold Addax’s hands in his and smiled at him. “Hey, Addax, it wasn’t all bad, 10 years of memory loops allows for a lot of self-reflecting, and well, we all made decisions we regret in that war, and one of mine was never letting myself-” Jace pauses to move closer Addax and hold his face in his hands again, “Never letting myself realize how much I loved you.”
Jace sees tears welling in Addax’s eyes again as he pulls Jace into another kiss, this one not as desperate as the last one, but soft and slow, as they let themselves savor the feeling of the other’s lips against their own. Addax pulls away and touches his forehead to Jace’s, and he’s smiling so brightly. “I love you too, Jace. I’m sorry it took me ten years to say it.”
Jace smiles back at him, amazed that he has Addax here, in his arms for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. “We have had too much time for regrets already,” Jace says as he begins to pulls Addax towards his bedroom, “Besides, we have ten years to catch up on,” Jace presses a kiss to Addax’s neck, “And I’ve had a head start on thinking up ways to show you how much I love you.” Addax gasps as Jace falls backwards on his bed, pulling Addax with him, and then they are both laughing in between their kisses, lost in the joy of each other’s presence.
Despite having slept for ten years, Jace sleeps the best he ever has in Addax’s arms.