Archive of Our Own

There are a couple of orange sweatshirts several paces ahead of him, whispering to each other, but not quietly enough.

“Daniel doesn’t even do the dance teaching, but the second there are cameras…”

“I know, I know.”

“Hwanwoong and Youngmin hyung do it, but now he’s the only one who will come out on the broadcast and he’ll get the credit.” He snorts. “He’s so self-centered, that bastard. Really… PD’s pick. Must be nice to have connections.”

Jinwoo is seeing red. He wants to take those several steps fast to close their distance and grab this brat by the hair and strangle him. This is a survival. Daniel has to survive. The five of them have to survive. This brat doesn’t know what they have at stake. Connections? There are none. They have nothing but this. Their company has been hemorrhaging money for years. They have no future. Rainbow Bridge World? Brand New Music? And even the companies of these kids that Jinwoo has never heard of… They have money, their trainees are so young, they have time - so much fucking time - the five of them have absolutely nothing and they are so fucking old and Jinwoo’s going to make this brat understand that even if he has to kill him to do it… They have nothing…

Jinwoo feels a pair of arms clamp around him tightly. “Jinwoo yah!” It’s Jisung. “It’s finally time for us lowly F grades to go eat!”

“Just a second…” Jinwoo wants to keep walking but Jisung has him in a vice grip.

“Let’s go eat,” Jisung says quietly. “Let’s go, Jinwoo.”

Jinwoo watches the orange sweatshirts round a corner and lets Jisung turn him around and walk him towards the cafeteria. Jisung steers him to a table where there are two bright yellow sweatshirts sitting side by side. Jinwoo gets shoved into the seat across from Jaehan while Jisung takes the one across from Taewoong. “Fancy meeting you here,” Jisung chirps. “What’s the C grade special?”

“Mandoo,” Taewoong answers. “MNET is no joke. Just rice and kimchi for F grade?”

“By being perpetually hungry we understand what it means to be hungry for success,” Jisung says sagely. “Our health be damned.”

“Hyungs!” Daniel is walking towards them, a cap jammed backwards on his shock of pink hair.

“Go away,” Jisung says cheerfully. “Go play with your upper grade friends and leave us to rot.”

“I could never,” Daniel smiles with all of his teeth as he drops into the chair beside Jinwoo.

Taewoong spears a mandoo with his chopsticks and starts sawing it in half to check what kind of filling it has. “I could’ve been in B grade too if I didn’t mess up my rap.” He only sounds a little bitter.

“You can always get regraded B with me, hyung,” Daniel says. “Well, you can go to B, but I’ll have risen to A.”

“Overconfident,” Taewoong snorts. There’s no heat to his words. They all know their maknae is their most talented. Quietly, they believe in him the most.

“Ah, hyung, you have to believe in yourself,” Daniel laughs. It’s so different from before, when Jisung had to talk Daniel into this.

It was Jisung’s idea, doing this. The five of them sat in their practice room, and Jinwoo can remember when there were more of them and it was busier and livelier, but now it was just them and the quiet.

Jisung brought it up because without this, it was going to be the end. “If something good doesn’t happen this year,” he said, “I’m going to go to the army.”

So they agreed because they had nothing to lose. Just. Nothing.

Eventually Daniel does leave their table because his fellow orange sweatshirts wave to him and he goes. Jinwoo watches Daniel go, seeing Jaehan putting his mandoo on his tray out of the corner of his eye, and Jinwoo sighs as he turns to tell Jaehan to keep his food when he sees the two orange sweatshirts from before approaching Daniel. Jinwoo freezes. They wouldn’t confront him, would they? But they don’t. They have the audacity to smile at Daniel, who is too kind for his own good because he smiles back, and Jinwoo is seeing red all over again.

Jisung digs his nails into Jinwoo’s arm and drags him back to their table. “Sit down,” Jisung says softly. Jinwoo didn’t realize he had stood. “It’s not going to do anyone any good.”

Jinwoo sits, because Jisung is right, but it doesn’t stop him from shoving his tray across the table so it bangs into Jaehan’s. “Keep your own damn food!” He barks and Jaehan flinches.

Taewoong looks like he might punch him. “Hey!”

“Stop,” Jisung says. “We’re all tired. We’re all stressed out. We’re hungry. But we can’t fight with each other. We have to keep it together.”

“I’m sorry,” Jinwoo says. “I’m sorry.” He is.

“It’s fine, hyung,” Jaehan says softly. “It’s fine.” It’s not.

If this is humiliating for Jinwoo - and it is - it must be worse for Jaehan. Jaehan who has debuted before but it didn’t work out so he bounced from one bankrupt company to another. Lists of previously debuted trainees participating this season didn’t include Jaehan because no one knew him. It must sting, the anonymity.

They go back to their practice rooms after lunch and all of the stereos are on repeat as they practice the dance over and over. This is bone breaking labor. No one sleeps. Three days isn’t enough. Three weeks might not even be enough.

It’s humid in the practice room and everyone is overheated. Jinwoo wipes the sweat that’s dripping into his eyes when he hears a loud bang followed by a frightened, “Yehyun hyung!”

Jinwoo pushes through a crowd of grey sweatshirts to see one of the boys laying face down on the floor, eyes closed. “I think he fainted,” someone says as Jinwoo kneels.

“Hey,” Jinwoo says, turning him over, “Yehyun, wake up.” Yehyun doesn’t stir so Jinwoo tries to gently shake him. “Yehyunnie?” When he still doesn’t stir, Jinwoo can feel a panic building up inside of him. He looks him and catches Jisung’s eyes and he knows immediately.

“Come away, everyone, let’s give them space,” Jisung says, beginning to herd away the other trainees, especially the young ones who look terrified.

Jinwoo slaps at Yehyun’s face gently. “Wake up,” he says sternly. “Yehyun, get up.” The boy still doesn’t stir, Jinwoo looks up and looks around frantically before his eyes land on the grey sweatshirt with a blue leader sticker. “Call for an ambulance,” Jinwoo says. “Quickly.” He slaps Yehyun’s face harder. “Yehyunnie, it’s time to get up,” he says. Someone rushes over with a bottle of water and they pat water onto Yehyun’s face as others rub his arms trying to get his blood circulating better. The staff eventually intervenes as the ambulance comes. Yehyun revives after a while, and even though he hit his head falling, he was only asleep and otherwise fine, so he returns to practice.

Jinwoo keeps an eye on Yehyun as they continue practicing. It seems cruel to make Yehyun continue, but he has resilience that Jinwoo has never seen, and even continues helping others learn the dance. It’s admirable, but Jinwoo thinks he’s just going to overwork himself for real.

Recording for the re-evaluations actually feels like a relief after three manic sleepless days and nights, but Jinwoo doesn’t have much confidence. He’s exhausted and any mastery he thought he might have of the dance is slipping out of his ears and he can barely do it. They’re in F grade, they’re supposed to have the greatest desire to get themselves out of this slump and claw their way higher. So it feels so much more embarrassing when Jinwoo just can’t.

They’re gathered in the practice room again later to have the results handed to them. Those who came down in rank will move first before people start moving up. Jinwoo holds his breath as trainees start to trickle down into the F practice room and he only exhales when he sees that neither Jaehan nor Taewoong have come down from C.

“Trainees promoted to D can now move,” one of the staff members announces.

Jinwoo hangs his head and doesn’t move even as he sees Jisung stand up. Jisung’s smile falters when he sees Jinwoo hasn’t moved. His eyes flicker hopefully when they meet Jinwoo’s but Jinwoo ducks his head down and shakes his head. He’s happy he doesn’t see Jisung’s face, Jinwoo isn’t sure if he could handle that on top of his own heavy feelings of self-loathing.

When it’s just the new F grade left, a few of the others who remained in F come up to him and tell him they’re surprised he didn’t move up. It’s a nice sentiment, but it makes Jinwoo feel worse, as though he was letting others down by not moving up from F. When they sit him down for the individual interview, Jinwoo can barely lift his head.

“Do I… have to keep doing this?”

The camera operator seems unmoved by his depressed tone. “Will you really quit?”

Jinwoo thinks. He’s tired. Physically and emotionally. He feels humiliated and he has no self-esteem. He doesn’t really want to do this anymore, no. But he thinks of the others, and he thinks of Jisung, and Jinwoo would move heaven and earth for Jisung, and then back again, and then two centimeters to the left to better utilize space while Taewoong threatens to drop the moon because Jisung doesn’t even live in this part of the universe with him, Jaehan, and Daniel so why should he get to decide how to arrange the stars (like they do with the furniture whenever those three make the mistake of inviting Jisung and Jinwoo over).

So Jinwoo doesn’t quit.

The five of them meet when they’re re-issued sweatshirts and herded into the big set for the filming of the representative song. He catches sight of Jaehan, still in yellow. Jisung waves to him from where he’s standing with the green sweatshirts and Jinwoo’s heart clenches when he sees Taewoong, also in green, staring at the floor. Jinwoo looks away and back towards the sea of yellow, and smirks when he sees one of the orange sweatshirts from before is now in a yellow one. Maybe it’s cruel, but it’s nice to know someone else moved down too.

Daniel is pink and radiant in a sweatshirt emblazoned with an A and Jinwoo can at least feel good about that. They knew their maknae was talented. They believe in him the most.

There are kids in F grade crying and Jinwoo tells them there’s nothing they can do so there’s no use in crying. It doesn’t stop them but they all try to gain strength. Jinwoo’s actually in the front part of the stage and might accidentally catch the camera, so he tries to not feel too pessimistic.

Daniel’s face crumples when he sees the four of them and Jisung pats him on the head and tells him to stop looking so dejected.

“Why didn’t you come up?” Daniel asks them, he sounds miserable and guilty and it hurts Jinwoo’s heart more to hear it.

“I fucked up,” Taewoong says bitterly. “I couldn’t even finish the dance.”

“You were exhausted,” Jaehan says kindly.

Taewoong shakes his head. “We’re all in the same boat. There’s no excuse. I didn’t finish.”

The atmosphere is bad when they’re sitting in a practice closet by themselves when filming is done (somehow the staff keeps thinking it’s them doing all the talking even though none of them are but still Jinwoo jumps every time the staff screams at their company to pipe down). Taewoong has his head in his knees and Jinwoo can tell he’s crying as Jisung lays a hand on top of Taewoong’s head and tells him it’s going to be fine, that they’re going to be fine.

“They keep asking me when I’m going to debut,” Taewoong says without lifting his head. “And I’m never able to answer them. I came here so I could tell them I was debuting.” He takes a long shuddering breath. “I’m being a bad son.”

“You have one more year of training before you are a truly bad son,” Jisung tells him, petting Taewoong’s hair. “You must reach five years of training at my age before you’re a bad son.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better,” Taewoong mutters. “I want to feel miserable.”

“No time to be miserable,” Jisung says softly. “We have to keep pushing forward.”

The next mission is the group battle evaluation. Jinwoo glances over the A ranks and thinks that at least he might be able to rely on Daniel or maybe even Kim Taedong, for F grade solidarity, to choose him for his team. If he knows Daniel, he knows Daniel has bragged about the four of them to others, so maybe there’s hope.

Of course, that’s not how it plays out and the random selections allow anyone after Lee Daehwi to choose a team. Jeong Sihyun chooses him, and Jinwoo thinks this team is really made from F grade solidarity, and he winces as he watches Sihyun unable to catch up with other runners to get a sign back in time. He also winces watching Jaehan rip a sign out of someone’s hands but is still unable to make it back. At least he thinks he won’t have to battle against any of his members when his team gets called out second.

Jinwoo can’t really think of a worse situation to be in. Jung Woncheol calls them out with his line of orange sweatshirts, A grade Kim Seonglee, and Jang Moonbok behind him. Jinwoo’s team is all former and current F grades and someone he doesn’t know who dropped down to D from B. Then Jinwoo finds out he’s the only vocalist in a group of rappers and young trainees. The cherry on top is the song choice.

Call Me Baby.

They’re fucked.

They’re distributing lines and Jinwoo is finding out just how little his teammates can sing when Daniel’s pink hair pokes into their practice closet and he bows anxiously.

“I’m sorry,” he stutters, voice thick with his satoori, “but can I borrow Jinwoo hyung for a minute?”

“Practice these lines, decide who can sing it best,” Jinwoo says pointing to one part as he stands and follows Daniel. “What is it?”

Daniel ignores him as he goes to knock on another door to fetch Jisung and then again for Jaehan and Taewoong and they’re all exchanging looks as Daniel leads them to a blind spot away from the cameras by the stairs and begins fishing something out of his pants pocket.

“We have a problem,” he says anxiously as he shows them his phone.

It’s a list.

Jinwoo’s eyes skim the words. There are names of trainees on the program and there are accusations. And there’s one name that Jinwoo knows.

Kim Jaehan. Bullying.

He hears Jaehan gasp beside him and Jinwoo reaches out to grab his arm. Jaehan is pale. He starts to speak, but chokes on the words.

“I know,” Jinwoo says immediately. They all know. Jaehan is too kind. He could never…

“There are so many shares,” Daniel says. “So many people have seen this list.”

“I’ll leave,” Jaehan whispers. “I’ll leave before this hurts anyone.”

Taewoong shoves Jaehan’s shoulder. “Are you stupid? If you leave you’ll look guilty.”

“You have nothing to hide,” Jisung adds. “Don’t worry about us. If anyone says anything we’ll defend you.”

“We know you’re a kind friend,” Jinwoo says softly.

“I’m sorry, hyung, I’ll do well so we all do well,” Daniel says, clutching his phone miserably.

“Seriously, you punk, you better not drop out if you do you’ll seriously screw our team,” Taewoong adds. “You chose our team you can’t just ditch us.”

Jaehan is staring at the floor and Jinwoo can feel him trembling beside him. He looks at his friend and wonders how anyone could think he was capable of hurting anyone, when Jaehan was the kindest out of all of them.

Taewoong puts his arm around Jaehan’s shoulders and they bow out to return to their group first. Jisung takes Daniel’s phone and when he tries to follow the link back to the original post with the accusation, the link is broken and the post has been deleted. Jisung curses quietly.

“It’s okay,” he says rubbing his temples. “We can handle this. When we have phone time we can write something to support him. People know him, they know he’s not like that.”

Jinwoo is still concerned. “Hyung there are people on that list who are getting accused of sexual assault,” he says. “Just being on that list, it’s not going to be easy…”

“What are you trying to say, Joo Jinwoo?” Jisung snaps. “Do you want him to drop out?”

“No, hyung, I’m not saying…”

“Then we’re going to figure this out. Together. The five of us need to stick together.” Jisung says. He turns to Daniel. “Thank you, Niel, for showing us this.”

“Hyung, is this going to be okay?” Daniel asks.

“Of course. We’ll figure it out. We know Jaehannie is a kind person who is handsome and good at singing. The national producers will see it too.” Jisung smiles. “Go back to your team, Niel.”

Daniel leaves slowly, and keeps looking like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t and goes.

“Are you okay?” Jisung asks, changing the subject. “Has your stomach been hurting you lately?”

“No, hyung, it’s fine. I’m just stressed out.” Jinwoo answers.

“If your stomach hurts come find me and I’ll massage it.”

Jinwoo’s ears feel hot. “Ah, hyung, I can’t, there are cameras everywhere.”

“Yah, Joo Jinwoo, are you outgrowing me?”

“Hyung, we’re old, I think we’re done growing.”

Jisung smiles and they part ways to return to their groups.

Jinwoo goes back to his group and back to the dire reality that their line distribution is a mess and he is disproportionately singing way too much of the song. His throat is feeling raw by the time they finish divvying up the parts and getting checked by the trainers makes him feel more anxious. Already he feels at a disadvantage when they stand beside one another and the highest letter his group goes to is C. He feels even less at ease when it’s their turn and he can see Dongbin’s hands shaking as he clasps them in front of his nametag.

Again, again, again, each time they have to repeat the opening of the song Jinwoo can see the grave faces of the trainers and the ill concealed smirks of some of the other team, Jinwoo hates it, how they must look so easy. But he can’t do anything about it.

Finally, the trainers question what the hell they’ve done and why the line distribution is so awful. Jinwoo has to explain delicately that the rest of the team aren’t vocals and Seokyu gets snapped at for not singing well enough. Sihyun then volunteers that they’ve been wanting to change the center and Dongbin starts shaking and crying when he admits he can’t keep up and they stop to console him. Dongbin gives up the center position to Minho and they can regroup.

At the end of the day, Jinwoo finds Jaehan sitting in one of the training closets with the lights off so he joins him and they sit together in the quiet. Jinwoo’s throat is raw and scratchy so he just takes Jaehan’s hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze. Jaehan squeezes it back before fishing in his pocket with his other hand and balancing a mini chocolate bar on Jinwoo’s knee.

“For blood sugar,” Jaehan says softly. “It’ll keep your energy up. Don’t eat it now. You should rest. I heard you singing. You’re tired.”

“You too,” Jinwoo rasps. “Take care of yourself.”

Jaehan squeezes Jinwoo’s hand again. “Rest your voice.” Jinwoo thinks that’s just a polite way for Jaehan to tell him to shut up, but Jinwoo lets him and squeezes back.

Jinwoo wakes up to a coughing fit and a feeling in his throat like he’s just swallowed fire.

He tries to get down water in between coughs while waving away his group members because he doesn’t want to get them sick with whatever he’s come down with. Dress rehearsal day. He wants to know what higher power he pissed off to make this his fate. Maybe he’ll call his mom and ask her to see a fortune teller for him.

Jinwoo gets to hog the shower and try to bask in the steam (and for once Jisung doesn’t run in to play pranks on him) but when he gets out Jaehan is there heating up a cup ramen. Jinwoo raises his eyebrows in surprise as he towels off his hair and sits on his bed.

Jaehan sits beside him and holds up some of the noodles with plastic spoon. “I know it’s not the healthiest, but it’s hot. Drink the broth, it’ll help your throat. I would’ve made you tea, but Taewoong used all the honey we brought from the dorm.”

Jinwoo takes the cup from Jaehan so Jaehan doesn’t have to feed him (he might be sick but he’s not a baby).

“Are you nervous?” Jaehan asks him. Jinwoo shakes his head. “We are,” Jaehan cracks a smile. “Jung Jung picked really well. We’re older than them, so it’s hard to look cute.”

Jinwoo reaches out and flicks Jaehan on the cheek. Personally, he thinks Jaehan can be plenty cute if he wants to; he’s just as bright and bubbly as Daniel. Jaehan just smiles at him as Jinwoo polishes off the broth.

“Thank you,” Jinwoo says.

Jaehan pinches him on the cheek back. “Save your voice.”

Jinwoo makes a face up at Jaehan because it really won’t hurt his voice to say thank you but Jaehan just laughs. As he stands, Jaehan pauses to run his hand over the top of Jinwoo’s head. “It looks better,” he says. “Has hair stopped falling out?”

Jinwoo nods. When they first decided to do this, Daniel announced that he wanted to dye his hair pink. Jinwoo thought he looked pretty plain and among one hundred other people he might not stand out, so he went to the salon with Daniel and asked them to dye his hair white. He had felt a little ambivalent leaving the salon, his hair felt terrible and crunchy, but it sure was “a look” (as Taewoong told him) so Jinwoo didn’t worry about it until he sat down with the Produce 101 staff for his preliminary interview and one look from them told him he had made the wrong decision. So he ran back to the salon to have them dye it back to black only for his hair to feel even worse. He took a shower at Daniel, Taewoong, and Jaehan’s apartment and that’s where he found out he had truly damaged his hair because when he looked down at the drain it was full of clumps of his hair.

Which in turn led to all five of them crowding in the bathroom to look for a solution with Taewoong and Jisung arguing over who was more of an authority on fixing other people’s hair (which was really just an argument about who pulled his sister’s hair more when they were kids). And Jinwoo has one more complaint and wants to know what kids in Busan eat to get that big because honestly that bathroom isn’t big to start with and it surely didn’t help that there were three 180cm tall guys with broad shoulders (and also Jisung) standing over him and arguing about how to hide where Jinwoo’s hair had fallen out. They eventually figured slicking it back would do the most to hide where it had fallen out at the top, though Taewoong was busy snickering at him when Jaehan and Jisung unveiled the finished look while Daniel promised that Jinwoo’s hair looked cool and Western. (Jinwoo wasn’t convinced then and still isn’t now.)

“It looks much better,” Jaehan says. “It grew back a lot.”

Jinwoo nods as Jaehan rubs the top of his head. “I’ll see you at the dress rehearsal,” he says. “Make sure you drink lots of water and rest your voice.”

The dress rehearsal is a bloodbath.

Jinwoo’s voice cracks every time he goes for a slightly high note and he wishes like hell there was one other person who could reach them. He’s feeling awfully ambivalent about tomorrow after watching the other team rehearse. The trainers and other trainees react well to them and Jinwoo can only assume the national producers will feel the same way. He tries to boost his own spirits, because he’s the leader and he wants to lift up his teammates, but it’s hard. The vocal trainers tell him not to sing until the performance the following night lest he lose his voice completely.

He tries to help his team as much as he can but there isn’t much he can do, so he tries to calm himself enough to sleep. Daniel stops by his room with a mug of tea and cheerfully says he bartered away some of his jellies to get honey from Ha Sungwoon. “Jaehannie hyung said you needed to take better care of your throat,” Daniel says to him, smiling with all his bunny teeth. Jinwoo ruffles Daniel’s pink hair. Their maknae is too good.

Jinwoo has trouble falling asleep but he still manages to get a few hours of rest in and his throat feels better when he wakes up. He gargles warm water and tries to calm his nerves. It’s nowhere near as bad as the first day, and though his stomach hurts, he can move around enough to make himself tea before Jisung barges in and asks (unfortunately in front of people) if Jinwoo needs his stomach rubbed. Seokyu and Daehyeon are doing a bad job of hiding their giggling as Jinwoo’s ears turn red and he shakes his head and shoos Jisung out of the room.

They ride in their company car on the way to the performance venue and Jinwoo tries to ease his nerves without obviously holding his stomach (lest Jisung climb into the backseat with offers of stomach rubs) while Jaehan warms up his throat next to him. Jinwoo rests a hand on Jaehan’s knee and squeezes softly and smiles at him. In spite of everything, Jinwoo can trust that his friends are skilled and at the very least they’ll be able to perform without regrets.

They get dressed backstage, Jinwoo pulling on one of what he thinks is Taewoong’s shirts, because it’s way too big for him, but honestly it’s also too big for Taewoong - Jinwoo doesn’t know where this shirt even came from. Taewoong doesn’t seem to have fared any better finding a shirt that fits him, the bottom hem of the shirt hangs around his knees.

“Nice dress,” Daniel is giggling, looking dapper in a fitted black suit.

Taewoong just scowls over at him. “You should see the vest that goes on top of this.”

Daniel is still giggling happily as he goes away saying he needs to get his hair done. Jinwoo does his own hair, combing it back with gel so it covers the top where hair was once falling out. His stomach is aching with nerves again and Jinwoo finally relents to letting Jisung rub his stomach when he gets Jinwoo to sit on his lap.

“We’re going to be fine,” Jisung says reassuringly, kneading at one of the knots in Jinwoo’s stomach with his knuckles. “We’re all going to be just fine.”

Daniel comes back (hair looking no different, Jinwoo observes) and the five of them huddle together. “We made a promise to survive the first elimination,” Jisung says. “So we should all win our battles, gain the three thousand votes benefit, and survive together.”

It’s easier said than done of course, but it’s certainly possible so Jinwoo lets himself get caught up in Jisung’s optimism and they do a “fighting!” together before Jisung leaves to go onstage. Jinwoo monitors the battle from the screen backstage. They’re all performing early, first, second, third, and fifth battles. It reminds Jinwoo of the ranks they predicted for themselves when this began (but their actually week to week rankings look nothing like they thought).

Jisung is a radiant center and Jinwoo feels a little choked up watching him. This is all Jisung wants, a stage to perform on, and Jinwoo is reminded of all of Jisung’s shattered dreams and how much is at stake for all of them right now. When his team comes backstage, Jinwoo can see Jisung is sobbing and his heart hurts. He feels even more anxious watching Team 2 perform and he knows they’ll pull in votes from their impressive stage presence alone. Even if he’s anxious, he has to worry about himself as he’s called to join his group.

“Let’s perform without regrets,” Jinwoo says to them, looking at the faces of the people he’s suffered beside for what feels like forever. He smiles at them. They’re all good kids, and he feels proud as their leader. “Let’s create a plot twist in this drama.”

The stage doesn’t go as planned. Jinwoo is only thankful that it isn’t his voice that he hears high and strained through his in-ear. He doesn’t wince at the sound; they have to keep pushing forward no matter what. The audience still reacts positively, despite their inadequacy and their mistakes. Jinwoo feels a bit ambivalent but he still thinks there could be a chance they’ll prevail. The wait in the backstage area is a blur for Jinwoo and everything melts together once he sees that his team has lost. He can’t even muster pride that he won his individual battle and was voted the better main vocal.

“Take care,” he says to Moonbok. It comes out slightly bitter but Moonbok is too kind to take it personally and just asks Jinwoo why he’s being like that. Jinwoo hangs his head. It’s over for him now. Jinwoo just wants the cameras out of his face. He wants to feel miserable by himself about how he really did think there was nothing stopping him from being in the Top 11 and now he’s not going to get out of his rank that’s been stuck in the 70s since the first episode.

His team embraces when they get to the interview area and Jinwoo feels apologetic towards them for not leading them better. He feels grateful to them too, for working so hard in spite of all the obstacles. He’s happy to have met such hardworking friends and he hopes some of them will scrap by and survive a little longer.

Yet he can’t get the bitterness of defeat out of his mouth so when he sits down for his individual interview, he speaks his mind. Team 1 rode Moonbok’s star power and Yoon Heeseok’s company connection to the girls in IOI to victory. Jung Woncheol picked a good team and they boarded the right train. He feels bitterness towards himself more than the other team, and Jinwoo feels it deeply that if only somehow he was better his team would have that three thousand vote benefit right now.

Daniel scoops him into a bear hug when he gets back to the waiting room. “Hyung, your voice gave me chills, you’re so good.”

Jinwoo pats Daniel on the back, unable to accept his praise because he doesn’t feel like it’s true. Jisung gives his hand a squeeze as he passes by him when he goes to sit down. It’s Jaehan and Taewoong’s battle now and Jinwoo hopes that they’ll fare better than he did.

Jinwoo thinks that Jaehan and Taewoong’s team did better (of course he’s biased but he doesn’t think anyone can deny their skills) but when their team returns from the stage they’re both sniffling. Jisung immediately bounds over to wipe Jaehan’s face. Jinwoo and Daniel join them.

“He said he wasn’t going to cry,” Taewoong snuffles, pointing at Jaehan. “But the second we got offstage, he burst into tears and now he’s got me crying too.”

Jinwoo can understand. Jaehan debuted before, he must want it back so much, the stage.

“What were your results?” Jisung asks softly. “My team lost.”

“Mine too,” Jinwoo sighs.

Daniel looks supremely concerned as Taewoong wipes his eyes. “Us too.”

It’s not supposed to happen like this, they’re not supposed to be falling behind these young kids like this. They’re supposed to be rising up together.

“It’s okay,” Jisung says as he rubs Daniel’s back reassuringly. “Go, Niel, go get em.”

“Make sure your team wins,” Taewoong says slapping Daniel on the shoulder.

Daniel smiles toothily at them and Jinwoo feels at ease watching him head to the stage. Their maknae is talented. They believe in him the most.

If Daniel’s team doesn’t win, Jinwoo is willing to bet there’s something wrong with this program. They’re too impressive. Just looking at them, Jinwoo thinks they could debut like that. He understands why netizens have been calling that team the real Avengers team. The waiting room is crazy for them. Hwanwoong looks like he might cry beside him, running his hands through his hair and exclaiming, “Daebak, it’s completely awesome.”

And yet, Daniel’s eyes look a bit wet and lifeless when he comes back to the waiting room. He perks up watching other performances but that sad look doesn’t really leave his eyes. Jinwoo understands it a bit more when they’re presented with the results of the onsite voting. It’s cruel to show them the result without the benefit first. The rankings will be all messed up. Jaehan is tied with someone else on the 60th place cut line but Taewoong said their team didn’t receive the benefit…

As Jinwoo is squinting up at the screen, he sees something more unsettling. Daniel’s name. And his votes. Beneath the 60th place cutline. Only thirty-three votes? Jinwoo wants to turn and ask him how it was possible. How did he not get more votes in accordance with his skills? How did Jinwoo receive more onsite votes than Daniel? More than double his votes? It doesn’t make sense. When Jinwoo glances behind him he can see a head of pink hair staring at the floor.

When they apply the benefit, Jinwoo’s rank drops like a rock down to the sixties. Except for Daniel, who has the benefit, they all drop under the cutline. He thinks Taewoong might be crying again. His votes were even lower than Daniel’s. Three thousand is really a lot.

The ride back to their company is uncharacteristically quiet, the heaviness of the votes weighing on them. They go to their company practice room and sit together in the semi-darkness. They’re all breathing shallowly, like they’re all holding back tears.

“I placed last in my group,” Daniel confesses, hugging his knees to his chest. His dress shirt is straining against his broad shoulders. “I was the only one who didn’t win the individual battle.” He sniffles loudly. “I didn’t have confidence singing and I guess it showed. Maybe I’m… bad at this?” Daniel looks up and Jinwoo can see him trying to blink away tears. “I don’t want to be humiliated like this anymore. I can’t do this.”

“Then what are you going to do?” Taewoong grinds out. “Are you going to drop out? You’ll drop out and go to Canada, won’t you, and leave us here, right?”

“Hyung,” Jaehan says.

This is all news to Jinwoo and, from Jisung’s expression, it’s news to him too.

“I’m not going to pretend that I never heard anything,” Taewoong says hotly. His voice is thick with tears. “It’s his own fault for talking in his sleep.”

“You’re leaving if this doesn’t work out?” Jinwoo asks softly.

“It was just something I was thinking about,” Daniel answers. He buries his face in his knees. “This is so embarrassing. I don’t want to feel this way.”

“Kang Daniel.” Jisung sounds choked up and out of breath. “Kang Daniel. We all made a promise. We all promised we’d survive together and debut together at the end. Didn’t we? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Yes, hyung,” Daniel whispers.

“This is our last chance. Are you going to throw it away?” Jisung reaches to shake Daniel’s shoulder but Daniel doesn’t look at him.

“Kang Euigeon.” Jinwoo says quietly.

Daniel’s head snaps up at his name.

Jinwoo moves closer to Daniel and takes his face in his hands. How can a twenty year old’s face be that baby soft? “You’re not going to drop out,” Jinwoo says steadily. “You’re the only one of us who won. You might be the only one of us who’s going to survive this. You’re going to survive until the end.” Jinwoo’s voice cracks. “You’re our maknae. You’re our pride.”

Daniel is crying and drags Jinwoo forward and crushes him in a hug and soon they’re getting dogpiled by the other three and they’re all sobbing together in their now dark practice room and this feels terrible and pathetic but they need this, to just hold each other and cry together. It’s awful, this could be the last time they all hold each other like this, and Jinwoo has never loved four other people more and his breathing has never been perfectly in sync with anyone else’s but theirs and he really does cherish them more than anything in the world.

They end up sleeping in the practice room, it’s like when they were practicing for the company evaluation, locking themselves in the practice room day and night so they could be perfect. The only problem is Daniel - their big overgrown baby - tries to lie down directly on top of Jinwoo and crushes the wind out of them.

“Kang Daniel!” Jinwoo wheezes. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“Sorry, hyung,” Daniel’s eyes are little crescents as he shifts his weight off of Jinwoo and Jinwoo can miraculously breathe again. Even so Daniel keeps one of Jinwoo’s legs trapped under his own while Jisung uses Daniel as a pillow and Jaehan is on Jinwoo’s other side and Jinwoo uses one of Jaehan’s arms to rest his head on and Taewoong has his arm looped around Jaehan’s waist and seems to be outright spooning him. Jinwoo can’t help but chuckle; that kid really can’t stand to be alone. It’s kind of uncomfortable, all laying on one another, and none of them can move, not that any of them want to.

Even so, they wake up in a tangle of limbs and sore joints and they all slept in their stage outfits and makeup so they’re all rumpled and gross and honestly, cuddling together in their practice room was a cute idea but they’re all a bit too big and old to do it.

They’re still together when they watch the broadcast, and Jisung clicks his tongue and says Daniel should have become the center after hearing his words of encouragement and Daniel just laughs amiably and says there will be a next time for that. Next time. It sounds so sweet and possible when Daniel says it.

Jisung comes out on broadcast a lot (thanks to his big mouth), and Jinwoo actually does too when it’s the Call Me Baby segment. He winces listening to his own voice crack during the dress rehearsal and Jaehan squeezes his hand. “You must have suffered a lot.” Jinwoo clenches his teeth when he sees their performance has been heavily edited, he guesses more than half of the performance wasn’t aired. It seems unfair, to cut it that much, but he can’t do anything about it now. Maybe it was mercy editing; they cut the voice cracks from the live performance. His singing came out, so he can only be pleased about that, even when also they air his bitter comments after the performance.

They’re more surprised at netizen reactions after the broadcast, with articles popping up about the voting system and how it’s obviously rigged towards teams with more members with calculations showing Jisung’s team winning the battle had the votes been averaged together.

“Do you know how much people love you?” Taewoong asks Jisung’s surprised face. “Just how high are you going to climb, huh?”

There’s a clear difference between Daniel and Jisung’s ranks and the rest of them and it makes Jinwoo hopeful that Jisung can keep surviving. It sets him just a little more at ease, thinking the two of them that would leave if this doesn’t work are the ones who will continue. Jinwoo doesn’t really think he has much of a chance of surviving. His ranking has consistently been the lowest of the five of them. It used to hurt his pride but Jinwoo thinks he’s thrown it all away now. There’s nothing he can do.

They’re back at the English Village in the next few days to film other segments for the show and are reassured they’ll be fun things to air during the elimination episode. Somehow that doesn’t set Jinwoo at ease because privately he thinks the production director is a sadist and likes to watch them all suffering.

They get herded into practice rooms with their group evaluation teams and the staff carry in something, Jinwoo thinks it looks like a table, draped in black cloth and set it down in the center of the room. The staff lets them chatter about what it might be before ripping off the cloth to reveal an arm wrestling table. Jinwoo grits his teeth a bit sizing up their teams. In the end, the only part Jinwoo suspects will get aired is the match up between Seonglee and Seokyu that results in Seokyu’s high pitched shrieking as Seonglee easily moves Seokyu’s arm back and forth before winning the match.

Later, at lunch, Jaehan will complain about how Lee Geonhee bit his lips in the most ridiculous way to distract him from arm wrestling and Taewoong will try to imitate him and they’ll all dissolve into laughter and for the rest of the day Jinwoo will catch sight of Daniel biting his lip and giggling at his own reflection.

The next day sees them broken up by rank again so Jinwoo finds himself alone for most of it, but he gets to play with his F grade friends, most of whom are young kids, but they’re good kids. He admires them more than he used to, when this started, when he felt bitter he was being eclipsed by kids so many years his junior. Now he respects how hard they work and wonders how differently things might’ve been for him if he had half their drive at their age.

The staff tells them they’ll be filming a letter to themselves and suggests they start brainstorming because they’ll express themselves in front of a mirror. Jinwoo thinks, but only ends up cringing at the words he might say to himself. He supposes he’ll tell himself to not give up and work hard, but that’s probably everyone’s sentiment.

He ends up not filming it because - surprise - it’s a prank. A prank that gets ruined for many of them by particularly shrill and easily scared trainees. Jinwoo hears the commotion and goes to see only to discover the prank (and the disgruntled faces of the staff).

He runs into Taewoong outside the bathroom and he asks if Taewoong is okay, because his friend looks deathly pale. Taewoong takes Jinwoo’s hand and presses it against his chest. “Can you feel that?” he whines. “My heart’s been racing for fifteen minutes. I thought I was seriously going to die. I was being really touching too, I almost cried and then the ghost showed up.” He shudders. “Ahn Junyoung PD, that sadistic bastard. I’m sure he’s having a great time watching us all piss ourselves.”

Jinwoo’s F grade kids seem to have similar sentiments, except they add, “But the ghost was really pretty. The staff noonas said she’s an actress noona. Ah, hyung, she was really pretty.”

The end of the week sees them filming a group of special corners for the elimination episode. Jinwoo doesn’t bother styling his hair and he’s wearing Jisung’s shirt and he’s tired and trying to explain his pick for visual center when the staff member suddenly asks him about his company name and what is supposedly stands for, MMO, motormouth organization, that the MMO trainees just talk, talk, talk. Jinwoo isn’t sure what to say, because of the five of them, he seems to have gotten a reputation as the tired owner of four beagles. So Jinwoo shrugs and the staff prompts him by asking if the five of them are just putting on the gagmen act.

Jinwoo shakes his head. “Jisung hyung always acts that way. He isn’t pretending to be funny, he’s naturally funny.” Jinwoo thinks some more. “He looks good on broadcast because he’s so funny.”

The staff seems satisfied by that and they let him go. The others mention they got asked about their chattiness and Taewoong says he reassured the national producers that they weren’t comedian trainees. This only makes them all dissolve into giggles (which gets them screamed at by the sound staff to be quiet again) so Jinwoo thinks that’s not a good reassurance for anyone.

At the end of the week, they’re together again in their company building to watch the next episode. Jisung is actively snickering at the contrast between the two Replay teams and they’re all outright laughing at the editing of Taewoong leading their team introduction and evidently startling Representative BoA with his brusqueness.

The first team certainly fits the concept, they’re all pink and flowery and Taewoong sighs that they never really had a chance up against them.

“Jung Jung apologized to me afterwards,” Jaehan laughs gently. “He felt a bit bad for picking us.”

“It’s part of the game,” Taewoong sighs. “It’s survival.”

Taewoong and Jaehan’s team edit seems to focus on Sanggyun, probably because he previously debuted, Jinwoo thinks, which means neither Taewoong nor Jaehan come out much. Even in the performance, they edit Sanggyun talking over Jaehan’s singing and Jaehan groans.

“I’m screwed,” Jaehan sighs. “This might be because of that rumor.”

Jinwoo rests his head on Jaehan’s shoulder. “The eye contact video is still online. The views are okay,” he says reassuringly.

Jinwoo personally thinks that the high notes in Replay are more important than the other singing parts, considering how the editing was so focused on Team 1’s struggles with them, so when Jaehan’s high notes are strong and clear the camera shows the impressed faces of the audience and the other team. Jinwoo gives Jaehan’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“It was a shame we couldn’t win,” Jaehan says as the screen shows the scores of the battle. “We thought we had a chance. Sanggyun and Jinwonie got a lot of votes too.” Jaehan sighs.

“It’s okay,” Jinwoo says softly. “There’s next time.” The words don’t taste as sweet leaving his mouth. They both know there won’t be a next time for either of them, that they’re only going to go this far.

It’s a different story for Daniel, and probably for Jisung.

“You must have suffered so much,” Jisung says, rubbing Daniel’s back as they watch the Sorry Sorry team’s cut. Jinwoo thinks of how whenever he had seen Daniel, their maknae had looked exhausted every time. Jinwoo had felt helpless, unable to do anything to make his friends’ burdens lighter, but he thinks Daniel was thinking and feeling the same way seeing his hyungs struggling along. Jinwoo pets Daniel’s hair affectionately, fingers carding through where the dark roots of his hair are beginning to grow back in and Daniel nuzzles into his hand like a big puppy.

It’s the day of the first elimination before they know it and Jinwoo’s stomach has worked itself into knots again as they sit in the salon. Jinwoo keeps his eyes tightly shut and tries to focus on how slow deep breaths will naturally get his stomach relaxed again as his hairstylist works on his hair. He decides against playing with hair dye for a while so he just lets the stylist put some waves in his bangs. Daniel is finished first since all he does is wash the pink out so his hair turns to a lightish brown color that the platinum blonde he started with faded into.

“Do you need your stomach massaged, hyung?” Daniel asks.

Jinwoo groans. “First Jisung hyung, now you. No, Niel, I don’t. But thanks.”

“Are you sure? I’m stronger than Jisung.” Daniel smiles at him brightly, eyes and nose crinkling up.

Jinwoo can’t help but crack a smile. “You’re such a good kid,” he says fondly. “I’m glad you’re going to keep representing our company.”

Daniel’s smile falters a bit. “Oh, hyung, you and the others are better representatives than me. You’re more hardworking, more talented…”

“If we were, the national producers would see it,” Jinwoo says. “They recognize you. You have to be confident, Niel.” He pinches Daniel’s cheek. “Hyungs won’t always be able to protect you.”

Daniel curls up beside him on the couch. “Hyung, you should survive,” he says softly. “You worked really hard.”

“Everyone did,” Jinwoo replies, patting Daniel’s face. “People are going home today that probably worked harder than us. It’s a survival. We knew what we were getting into.”

Maybe they didn’t, Jinwoo muses, because Daniel and Taewoong were the only ones who ranked themselves modestly. Back when they started Jinwoo really did think it was possible that all five of them would go up together, but it wasn’t going to happen. Barring some catastrophic upheaval in the rankings, Daniel and Jisung were extremely safe, Jisung having broken through to the Top 11 and Daniel trailing not too far behind, just beneath the debut cutline. They all knew their rankings from the third week, and all they could really hope for was Taewoong, who was closest to the cutline, to jump just a little and squeak by the elimination. Jinwoo and Jaehan were in the seventies and Jinwoo had neatly given up hoping for a reversal. He had started to think Produce 101 was a drama that had no plot twists and the national producers had already decided he wasn’t the main character they wanted.

Taewoong joins them after getting his hair lightened and Daniel shifts his weight so he’s leaning on Taewoong instead as they look at the third week rankings again and agonize over them again. Jinwoo sighs. He had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach when he woke up and had immediately thought it was stress, especially as it gradually felt like a familiar stress stomach ache, but Jinwoo thinks it might be a sign of something else. He looks at Taewoong and thinks that maybe he could jump up those few ranks and survive. He deserves it too. Taewoong, Jisung, and Jinwoo suffered beside one another for a long time. Jinwoo wants Taewoong to survive.

Jaehan and Jisung are done last because they dyed their hair. They pile into the company car and Jinwoo gives Jaehan’s hand a squeeze. “I think Taewoong is going to make it,” Jinwoo says idly. “So when this is all over, you and I should take a trip somewhere.”

“I’d like that, hyung,” Jaehan smiles at him. His hair is orange now and Jinwoo thinks it suits him nicely. “But personally, I think it’s you that’s going to make it.”

Jinwoo scoffs. “I’m the lowest of the five of us,” he says. “It’s not going to be me.”

Jaehan just smiles at him broadly enough so Jinwoo can see his snaggletooth and Jinwoo can’t help but smile back, even if Jaehan’s sentiment is silly.

They’re back at the venue from the first day of filming and Jinwoo sighs as he thinks back on walking in and seeing one hundred and one chairs laid out in front of them and climbing up to the top with the others, joking about how they’d only have this one chance to sit on the throne for the number one ranked trainee, so they might as well all sit on it now. Jinwoo wonders if they jinxed themselves that day by sitting there so boldly when they had no business doing it.

“We should all make hearts as we come out for the pose,” Jisung suggests as the staff is lining them up to do their entrances. “It’ll be fun and memorable.”

“MMO, be quiet!” They all jump as someone from the camera crew yells at them. Jinwoo groans softly as he tries to calm his racing heart. Is this the last time he’s going to get yelled at for nothing? Jinwoo doesn’t think he’ll miss that at all.

“I think after we get eliminated we should go swear at them,” Taewoong snickers from behind Jinwoo. “For once we should do something that actually demands getting told off.”

“Behave,” Jisung chides.

It feels strange to walk in and play in front of the cameras like his heart isn’t pounding out of his chest or his stomach hasn’t only worked itself into more painful knots or they aren’t all acutely aware of how there are fewer seats today than the first day and it’s obvious by the end of this there are people who are going home. That today there will be boys giving up on their dreams.

“Is it okay for my heart to be pounding like this?” Jaehan asks, rubbing his chest nervously. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Jinwoo says as they all link hands.

Representative BoA enters, looking like a goddess, and they stand and applaud her. She greets them and reels off some information about the voting and the elimination, but what stands out to Jinwoo is what she says right before the reveal begins: “From the third week, there have been big changes.”

Jinwoo tenses as the sound crew begin to play ominous music and the screens above them display the ranks about to be announced. They all have a chance this round, since it’s the lowest ranks. He does think it is possible for one of them to squeak through here, because if not here, it’s probably safe to give up thinking they’ve somehow made it.

He tries to tamp down his feelings of hopefulness every time Representative BoA announces a name. It’s never MMO. Jinwoo can’t even feel bitter, because he’s happy for the kids who are making it through. Some of them he suffered with in F grade and the others are talented kids who deserve more time here.

The first round passes without any of them being called. Taewoong deflates beside him. “I think it’s over for us,” he mutters softly. Jinwoo pats his knee reassuringly. Jaehan has his hands clasped in front of him; Jinwoo thinks he’s praying, and Daniel puts his arm around the back of Jaehan’s chair. Jisung’s eyes are beginning to look a little bit wet with tears and Jinwoo wants to tell him they’re all going to be fine, but the screens change for the next round of rankings and the atmosphere is heavy and tense again.

The first few ranks seem to go by as quickly as Jinwoo can blink until Representative BoA calls Kim Seonglee and Jinwoo feels a small shock but he can’t help but smile and clap. Being opponents doesn’t mean Jinwoo can’t recognize someone else’s skills and Jinwoo genuinely does feel happy for Seonglee seeing his shocked reaction. But the shock and the joy fade as quickly as they came and Jinwoo feels a heavy burden sitting on the back of his neck again.

They’re already up to the forty-fifth rank and Jinwoo thinks it will take a long time until they call up Daniel and Jisung and how will it feel sitting and waiting for it to happen knowing they’ve already been eliminated. Jaehan is still praying next to him and Taewoong has puffed up his cheeks and is leaning forward slightly, all of them just waiting for the next person to be called.

“MMO’s…”

And suddenly time seems to slow down as Jaehan’s head snaps up and Taewoong lets go of all the air he was holding in and Daniel and Jisung are leaning in from the sides and Jinwoo can feel his eyes widening. It’s too early for them to be calling Daniel and Jisung, but there’s no way any of them could have crawled up more than twenty ranks to get to forty-fifth…

“My heart’s beating so fast,” Jaehan says as he puts a hand on the back of Jinwoo’s chair.

“I think mine’s going to explode,” Taewoong agrees as Jisung clutches at his hands.

“Taewoongie’s not far from this rank,” Jinwoo says. It has to be Taewoong. He was the closest to the cutline; he had the least to rise.

“Hyung, it’s you,” Taewoong says, patting Jinwoo’s knee like he knows.

“There’s no way,” Jinwoo scoffs, even as Jaehan leans on his shoulder, holding onto him, and Daniel is gripping Jaehan’s shoulder with a hopeful smile on his face. “There’s no way I could have received that many votes.” To rise more than thirty ranks, it was a ridiculous idea, but it was nice Taewoong was thinking of him. Time is still dragging as Jinwoo thinks about it more. “Seriously, there’s no way,” he says to himself.

And then time speeds all the way back up, “Trainee Joo Jinwoo,” and all Jinwoo can feel is a shock before Taewoong slaps his chest and Jinwoo can only sense how he involuntary claps as he jumps to his feet and then Jisung is rushing into his arms crying and Jinwoo throws his arms around Jisung and he can feel Jaehan’s hands on his waist and his weight against his back and Taewoong’s arms wrapped around all of them as Jisung sobs, “Jinwoo yah, Jinwoo yah, what do I do,” and where is Daniel, there’s Daniel, Daniel’s sweet smiling face as he’s breaking through the hug to grab Jinwoo’s face and squish his cheeks and it’s all amazing and it’s telling Daniel, “I’m not going home!” as they finally all reluctantly but happily let him go and Jinwoo’s legs move of their own accord as he goes to the stage and the others are giving him high fives and Yehyun pulls him down for a hug - Yehyun is such a good kid, Jinwoo adores that kid - and it’s all so unreal that he’s standing on the stage and looking out at the sea of trainees and Daniel is smiling and Jisung is still dabbing at his tears and Jinwoo smooths the sides of his hair down even if they’re not out of place because he can’t believe it. He survived.

The rest of the trainees in this group go by in an eye blink and suddenly Seonglee is passing him the microphone to give his thoughts and Jinwoo takes it with trembling hands, “I really didn’t expect to come this far,” and then he’s saying stupid things about not bringing his luggage and he can see Taewoong and Jisung laughing at him because they know, they lent him their clothes. Jinwoo blinks back a couple tears as he thinks of his parents and his grandparents and how the last time he spoke to them they said they were so happy to see him on television and so he says they can keep seeing him before saying his thanks and bowing deeply and passing on the microphone to Gwanghyun. It still feels unreal, Jinwoo has to turn back and look at the seat that’s supposed to be his, the forty-fifth chair, to make it feel real. Even when he sits on it - hard, unyielding plastic - it’s not real. Even when Seonglee squeezes his knee and Jinwoo realizes it isn’t Jaehan doing it, it’s not real.

Maybe it hits him a bit when he looks down at the sea of chairs that’s slowly emptying and he realizes it will be a while before they hear MMO called again, and that he isn’t going to be with them when they’re called.

It passes by him in a blur, his hands are a little numb from clapping mindlessly after every name and every speech and as the numbers get higher he starts to feel tense again. Even though there are many ranks Jinwoo thinks could be Jisung’s or Daniel’s - and the others think it too from the way they lean forward together - they aren’t, and so the ranks begin to get even higher. Jinwoo has a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach, like what if they have it all wrong and Produce 101 does have plot twists and that plot twist includes Jinwoo being the only survivor from MMO.

It’s an idiotic thought, of course, because there have been shake ups in the top ranks and Jinwoo is shocked Moonbok was ousted from the Top 11 but that just means there’s someone new who rose to replace him. Jeong Sewoon ranks at Daniel’s third week ranking and that only means one thing.

Jisung and Daniel are both in the Top 11.

Jinwoo is holding his breath as the dramatic pauses get longer to build tension and he keeps his eyes fixed on the others. Taewoong and Jaehan look at ease, and even Daniel is smiling giddily. It’s only Jisung who looks nervous, perhaps it’s because Jisung doesn’t think he belongs up this high. The shake ups at the top only get more startling when Lee Daehwi drops five ranks, only to seventh, but Jinwoo thinks it’s a lot for someone who has had so much exposure. Sixth passes by him quickly and Jinwoo’s mouth is dry as Representative BoA reads the votes out for the fifth rank.

“MMO’s…”

It feels like deja vu as Jinwoo leans forward in his seat as he sees Jisung jump suddenly and lean forward almost into Taewoong’s arms but it goes by much faster. “Trainee Kang Daniel.” And Jinwoo sees the way Jisung’s hands fly to cover his mouth and even the little jump Taewoong makes as Daniel bounds to his feet and Jaehan drags him back for a hug so Jisung can charge at him for another hug and Taewoong engulfs them again and Jinwoo’s heart is aching to be a part of that embrace, and even though he feels at ease because he knows Daniel made it, he misses him too. When Daniel reaches the stage, Jinwoo smiles proudly at him (even when Daniel stutters and sucks his teeth giving his thank you speech and then cutely tells his noona fans he loves them in his deep satoori).

Representative BoA announces the screen will show the top four trainees vying for the number one seat and Jinwoo can feel the vastness between him and Jisung even as he sees Taewoong playfully slapping Jisung’s chest. The screens predictably show Park Jihoon, Kim Samuel, Ong Seungwoo, and Jisung. Jinwoo can hear noises behind him and turns just in time to see Daniel almost tipping over in his chair.

“Are you okay?” Jinwoo tries to mouth and sign and Daniel just smiles down toothily and nods.

Representative BoA says something about cheerful expressions masking onstage charm and Jinwoo can only think of Jisung, his vision zeroed in on Jisung and the way Taewoong knows it too, patting the back of Jisung’s neck. But it’s not Jisung. It’s Ong Seungwoo and Jisung is gasping and Taewoong’s laughing at him again.

She mentions length of training time according to the show’s homepage for the third rank, five years and three months. Jinwoo wracks his brain. He thinks Jisung might have trained longer, but how long had he been under their agency? How many years has Jinwoo known Jisung? For these top ranks, the staff hasn’t been playing any music, so Jinwoo can hear it loud and clear: “MMO’s Trainee Yoon Jisung.”

Jinwoo’s heart swells and shatters at the same time watching Jisung throw himself across Taewoong’s lap sobbing and how Taewoong is gripping his shoulders and patting his back with the biggest smile on his face and Jisung walking into Jaehan’s arms still sobbing and Taewoong’s laughing again and yelling at him to not cry as Jisung waddles down to the stage and Jinwoo feels bad but he has to laugh a little as Jisung absolutely clunks up the steps, the microphones picking up the leaden stomping of his feet and Jisung is really waddling like that and is still blubbering and now he’s sobbing over Representative BoA trying to talk as his giant crying face fills the screen. She asks if Jisung thinks he’ll be able to speak and Jisung nods hastily and rushes to compose himself as Jinwoo leans back in his seat, tension easing out of him. Jisung’s speech is touching but Jinwoo can see the delivery has Taewoong and Jaehan laughing at him so Jinwoo claps enthusiastically as Jisung begins his slow waddle up the steps of the pyramid to his seat. Daniel runs out to embrace him at the top and Jisung is still crying when he throws himself across the arm of his chair.

Jinwoo turns back to the sea of now mostly empty chairs, focusing on his own empty one that creates a gap between Taewoong and Jaehan. He thinks they’re crying now, because it’s close to the end. Jinwoo’s heart begins pounding furiously. It’s not the end, even as Samuel and Jihoon alight the stage and Representative BoA begins talking about them and their battle for first place. The pounding of his heart drowns out their chatter and all he can think about is the empty chair for sixtieth place. It’s not the end. One of them could still survive. But that’s the problem, only one. And Jinwoo’s heart aches thinking of that, that if any more of them were to survive, it still won’t be all of them.

It barely registers when Jihoon ranks first and it’s revealed only he drew over one million votes because Jinwoo is thinking of who could survive at the cutline, the assignment that’s coming next, if it’s the same as last time the last person will have no choice but to do what’s left… Jinwoo thinks that would favor Taewoong, because Taewoong trained for a long time and can do everything, and it’s more plausible because Taewoong’s rank was closer and that kid seriously hates being alone… but Jaehan… Jinwoo’s heart hurts. He loves Jaehan so dearly, he only wants him to do well, and he doesn’t want to see Jaehan’s heart broken…

Representative BoA’s voice cuts through his thoughts as she announces that the four trainees vying for sixtieth will appear on the screens and Jinwoo’s heart is in his throat but the four who appear don’t include Jaehan or Taewoong and Jinwoo feels his shoulders sagging, unsure if he should be relieved that neither of them appearing has absolved him of thinking about who he wanted to survive or if it just makes it harder for him. It’s Kim Sangbin who survives, the last of the A grades, and the elimination finally feels real to him. It’s over. They greet the national producers and Representative BoA gives a gentle, compassionate cheer for the eliminated trainees before they’re allowed to move from their seats. The cameras are still rolling and Jinwoo hates them for that as he rushes past people, even the people he thinks he’ll miss, because he’s looking for Jaehan and Taewoong.

And Jaehan’s already crying as Jinwoo rushes in to embrace him and Jaehan is breaking down on his shoulder but Jinwoo is tongue tied, unable to think of anything to say and hoping his embrace is enough as he feels Jaehan’s sobs against his body and trying to hold in his own tears. Jinwoo wraps an arm around Jaehan’s shoulders to pat the back of his neck reassuringly, that it’s not the end for them.

Taewoong hugs him too. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” he says, wiping his eyes. “Even if we went down, you all went up. I’m happy.”

Jisung’s been overtaken by a fresh wave of sobs as he drags Jaehan and Taewoong into what looks like a crushing hug. “We were supposed to go up together,” he says miserably, swinging their hands.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jaehan snuffles. “You have to keep rising, up until the end.”

“We’re fine,” Taewoong assures. “We’re going to go home and move all our furniture to give you something to worry about. And we’ll put all of Daniel’s stuffed animals in the chairs so we’re not lonely.”

“Aren’t you glad we’re going together? You know Taewoong hates being alone,” Jaehan adds, managing to crack a smile.

Jisung’s still sobbing as he squashes them in another hug only this time Jinwoo and Daniel are crowding in, trying to hold onto each other for as long as they can before they’re forced to split up and Jinwoo can’t bear that thought even when the staff are trying to make the eliminated trainees leave.

“Are you going to swear at them?” Jinwoo asks as they slowly let go and Taewoong starts laughing.

“I think for the sake of your screen time, I have to treat them well.” He snickers. He cups Jinwoo’s face in his hands. “Take care of yourself, hyung. Don’t worry about us. We’ll hold down the fort for you. So just think about continuing to rise.”

“I’ll miss you,” Jinwoo says, the words heavy on his tongue.

“You too, hyung,” Taewoong smiles at him roughly. “You’re really good, hyung, make sure they all hear you sing.”

Jaehan’s eyes are full of tears again as he squeezes Jinwoo in one more hug. “I guess we’re not going to be able to take that trip just yet,” he says and Jinwoo thinks he might start bawling. “But it’s okay, we’ll wait for you.”

We’ll wait.

It hurts.

Jinwoo lets one sob escape him before Taewoong and Jaehan have to leave them and he stands between Daniel and Jisung feeling like part of him is leaving with them.

They move back into the dorm. Jinwoo brings clothes with him this time. The episode has aired and netizen reactions are pouring in. He doesn’t watch the episode. Taewoong calls him.

“Has Jisung been reading the articles about himself?”

“I don’t think so. We’ve been getting shuffled around a lot.” Jinwoo answers. “No phone time until today.”

“Well. Don’t let him.” Taewoong pauses. “It’s not pretty.”

Jinwoo looks, out of morbid curiosity, and is shocked. The vitriol is stunning. They were surprised when Jisung was being showered with love and he’s equally surprised at the way public opinion has suddenly, violently turned against him. There are floods of hate comments that make Jinwoo’s eyes cross. No stone goes unturned when insulting Jisung. The most prevalent comments seem to be, “how did that ugly guy get third place,” “how can someone that old behave so ridiculously,” and strangely, “surely this person illegally delayed his military service.” Jinwoo’s head is spinning as he looks for Jisung.

He finds Jisung, and Jisung is scrolling despondently, his face pale and his eyes damp. Jinwoo pulls the phone out of Jisung’s hands. “Don’t read that.”

Jisung says nothing.

“Don’t,” Jinwoo repeats, swiping his thumb to close out the windows Jisung was browsing. “It’s all garbage.”

“I don’t think it is,” Jisung says softly.

“Stop,” Jinwoo says. “I won’t listen to you put yourself down.” He waves Jisung’s phone at him. “You’re better than what these people are saying about you. They’re cowards, hiding behind their screens. They don’t know anything.”

Jisung takes his phone and slips it into his pocket. “Do you think it’s true? That I only climbed this high because I’m the PD’s pick? Because I talk a lot?”

“Jisung hyung, you’re a good singer. You can dance. You’re nice. There are many reasons you climbed this high.”

“Do you think I’m the PD’s pick?”

“There isn’t one. If there was I still wouldn’t think it’s you.”

Jisung begins to protest.

“Hyung, if you were the PD’s pick do you think I’d be down here?” Jinwoo tugs at his shirt and nametag, the forty-five next to his name. “Do you think Jaehan and Taewoong would be at home? You don’t think you’d only be third, would you? If somehow our company was paying off the producers to promote you, you’d be the top spot.”

Jisung sighs quietly. “Jinwoo…”

“Don’t worry about these people. They’re no one.”

Jisung sighs again. “They’re the national producers. If they don’t want me…”

“Don’t worry about them. Votes are being reset. Just worry about doing well.” Jinwoo says. “We promised them we’d keep rising. I want to keep my promise.”

“You’re right,” Jisung says quietly. “You’re right.”

“Get some sleep,” Jinwoo squeezes Jisung’s shoulder. “We’re filming again tomorrow.” Tomorrow it starts again.

Survival.

The next morning finds them lined up in a big room, it looks like some kind of banquet hall, and there are three walls draped in cloths facing them. They line up and wait for Representative BoA to walk in. When she does, Jinwoo notices she’s cut her hair and she smiles at them all warmly. It’s a bit maternal, her smile.

She explains the next assignment to them, the position evaluation. Jinwoo looks at the backs of the heads of the people in front of them, thinking. How many of them are going to choose vocal? He’s ranked quite low, he runs a risk of being closed out. He can hear the distressed noises of Park Woodam behind him. The kids in the back row are in the worst shape.

It feels cruel watching others walk into the path of fate, or whatever the show’s producers want them to call it, not knowing what’s behind it. It gets significantly worse when songs begin to close out. Blackpink’s Playing With Fire closes first, door slamming shut on Ha Sungwoon’s face as he holds the fallen sign in agony, yelling into his microphone that Dongho closed him out of it. Jinwoo chews his lower lip as the people in front of him clear out. He watches Representative BoA carefully, waiting to see if she’s going to move to the vocal selections wall to tear down any more signs. IOI’s Downpour goes soon after and Jinwoo sighs. He didn’t really want Downpour, but he doesn’t like not having many options. Luckily, Jinwoo is able to go into song selection without anything else closing, so he chooses If It Was You because it’s a song he knows how to sing already. Kim Yongguk, who Jinwoo isn’t sure if he knows very well is there, and Yehyun is behind him smiling cheerfully. Jinwoo smiles brightly seeing Seonglee follow right after him, and If It Was You closes. Jinwoo feels good about their team’s skills, he’s a bit worried about their middling ranks, but if they do well enough they might all keep scraping by.

People continue trickling in; Jinwoo keeps counting heads in the vocal section as people join teams. When Woodam walks in with a dance placard, Jinwoo knows all vocal positions have closed. The last four trainees walk in together and join Woodam and Jung Jung’s dance line. Jinwoo raises his eyebrows at that. He didn’t expect four people to be unable to choose. Representative BoA comes into the room after and tells them they’ll begin practicing before smiling and cheering for them.

The atmosphere between the four of them is easy; Jinwoo doesn’t feel that anxious. Yehyun seems to be buzzing with ideas already, asking if anyone else knows how to play instruments or studied music theory. Seonglee and Yongguk seem to be at a loss, and from the sound of it, Yehyun knows a lot more than Jinwoo knows. He knows how to make beats, but it’s always been Jaehan he looks to for more serious composition. Yehyun seems to put the thought aside so they can choose a center, suggesting that they pick according to who suits the song better. Yongguk and Yehyun choose Seonglee for the center so they make Jinwoo the leader. Seonglee slaps the leader sticker onto Jinwoo’s shirt so Jinwoo returns the gesture, placing the center sticker on Seonglee’s shirt.

“Do we all know the song?” Jinwoo asks.

Yongguk shakes his head tentatively. “I know what kind of song it is, but I don’t know any of the lyrics.”

Yongguk is the only person who Jinwoo has reservations about, only because no matter how hard Jinwoo wracks his brain for him, he can’t conjure an image of Yongguk or even what the sound of his singing voice is. Jinwoo isn’t even sure if he knows whether or not Yongguk sang or rapped in the first evaluation. Even so, if he chose vocal, Jinwoo assumes Yongguk can sing.

They retrieve a keyboard from the staff and set up on the floor. Yehyun still seems to be brimming with ideas even as Jinwoo and Seonglee hem and haw about rearranging the song. Yongguk is sitting quietly; he seems uncomfortable and continuously picks up pieces of the sound equipment to examine them. Yehyun is busily lecturing them about music theory and explaining his extremely detailed thoughts about the arrangement and the harmonies. Jinwoo laughs at his enthusiasm appreciatively, even if it seems difficult.

“It seems difficult but once you get the feeling it will become easy,” Yehyun says enthusiastically. Jinwoo has to laugh again. Is this kid really still in high school?

They divide up the parts and pull up the instrumental track online to get a feel for the song and Yongguk’s singing ability becomes immediately apparent. Even hunched over and singing lyrics for the first time timidly, he has a clear voice. Jinwoo is amazed and thinks Yehyun had the good sense to assign Yongguk the song’s killing part. They all stare at Yongguk in amazement. “This will be a nuclear killing if he sings it that well,” Jinwoo snorts.

As they practice more, Jinwoo starts to notice the nervous stares from the other vocal groups, even the Downpour group that Jisung is in looks over at them with shaking eyes. Jinwoo feels a bit proud of that. He thinks their team doesn’t really pose a threat, they’re low and middle ranked, and yet he hears other teams whisper that they’re overwhelming. Jinwoo gloats by himself thinking about that.

Practices are going smoothly, though Yongguk is still timid and needs lots of reassurances, but Jinwoo thinks it strengthens their teamwork to lift each other up and support each other. Yongguk’s slowly gaining confidence anyway, smiling more as he gets complimented more, and it almost feels too good to be true.

It’s nice to go into the check by the trainers without feeling like he’s about to go to war. Jinwoo is significantly more relaxed when they go up for their turn and he doesn’t miss the dropped jaws at their singing. It puts him even more at ease. They get showered with praise too, especially Yongguk, who seems to be glowing. Yehyun too is smiling in a fatherly way.

Jisung’s team goes up noisily, Jisung of course making the most noise with his circle clap. Jinwoo feels a little bit silly when he puts his arms up above his head to clap for them too. The trainers are laughing hysterically. Jinwoo just sighs. It worries him a bit to have to compete with Jisung. That entire team has high ranks and their votes will probably blow everyone else out of the water. He isn’t envious because he expects it fully, but since he was fortunate to survive the first time he wants to survive a little longer.

The check in changes his tune a bit. “Are you going to worry about yourself more?” Jinwoo asks when he has a moment to talk to Jisung.

“What do you mean?” Jisung asks as he drinks from his water bottle.

“You know what I mean,” Jinwoo sighs. “You have fewer parts than I thought you’d have. And you’re focusing so much on training Hyunbin.”

“I yielded parts to people who sang them better,” Jisung says diplomatically. “And Hyunbinie reminds me of myself. He needs lots of guidance. He’s working hard.”

“Hyung, you’re a great singer. You know you could sing just as well as any of them. Or better. You have to show everyone your skills.” Jinwoo says.

“What about you?” Jisung tugs at Jinwoo’s jersey, pinching close to the leader sticker.

“I’m being selfish,” Jinwoo says. He feels like he is. Yehyun divided the parts, giving himself the smallest amount of lines. When Jinwoo asked why, Yehyun said that the hyungs were better singers and that he would probably be eliminated anyway so he would let them show themselves more. Jinwoo hadn’t protested, hadn’t insisted Yehyun needed to show himself too.

“I’m doing what I can to be a good leader and a good hyung,” Jisung says gently. “Sometimes that means lifting other people up and putting them ahead of yourself.”

“Hyung,” Jinwoo feels anxious. “This is a survival. Don’t be a martyr.”

Jisung squishes his face and Jinwoo doesn’t really appreciate the patronizing gesture, but he loves Jisung and he knows that Jisung is going to stand by his convictions, even if it means saying things like “I only reached this high rank because I’m good at talking.” Even if that undercuts his own desire to gain recognition for his skills rather than his personality. Jinwoo just has to sigh, knowing there’s no reasoning with that hyung.

Jisung’s desire to be a martyr is rapidly eclipsed by the problems their maknae has gotten himself into.

Jaehan calls him. “Ask our maknae why he changed his instagram description.” Jaehan pauses. “And maybe you should look at the articles that are popping up about it.”

“What did he do?” Jinwoo asks. “We don’t have much phone time left, I might not be able to check.”

Jaehan sighs heavily. “There’s an article saying there are trainees who are trying to influence the concept evaluation song selection. Daniel’s name is all over those articles. They’re citing his instagram description change. Ask him. The company’s having a panic attack over here.”

“It’s worse,” Jinwoo can hear Taewoong’s voice. “Tell him they don’t even think it was his fans who asked him. Someone said it was an anti fan that tricked him and publicized the changes.”

“What?” Jinwoo barks. His head is spinning and suddenly the practice closet he’s in feels too small even if he’s in it by himself. Daniel’s a big happy fool and that’s something they all love about him but Daniel can’t possibly be that stupid…

Taewoong seems to have taken the phone from Jaehan. “Don’t freak out. Look, there are really nasty posts online, don’t let him read them. He just has to keep his head down and apologize if he has a chance to. Management are probably going to take his phone, but that’s probably for the best.”

Someone knocks loudly on the practice closet door and Jinwoo startles. “I have to go,” he says. “I’ll talk to Daniel.”

Jinwoo gives his phone back to the staff and runs around the building looking for Jisung and Daniel. They’re on a break, so he finds Daniel easily enough - talking to his team members - and Jinwoo grabs him by the neck of his shirt and says that he needs to talk to Daniel. It’s probably a lot more brusque than necessary, but Daniel doesn’t protest. Finding Jisung takes longer, but when they find him, he’s squirreled away in a practice closet with Hyunbin.

“Sorry,” Jinwoo says, “I really need to talk to Jisung hyung.” Jisung looks like he’s going to ask for a minute so Jinwoo talks over him. “It’s really urgent.”

Jisung leaves with them and Jinwoo locks them in a different practice closet, propping a chair under the doorknob.

“What’s this?” Jisung asks. “Jinwoo…”

“Daniel, tell me what you did.”

Daniel’s face crumples in an instant, tears welling up in his eyes. “Hyung, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want apologies, just tell me why,” Jinwoo shakes him by the shoulders. “Why did you do that?”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Daniel whispers. “Hyung, I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t need… you’re… oh, Daniel…” Jinwoo is at a loss for words. “Euigeonie, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I’m sorry.” Daniel looks so impossibly small when he’s upset. “Hyung, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Jinwoo sighs. “I just wish I understood. Your ranking went up. What are you worried about?”

Daniel stares at the ground. “I wasn’t thinking. I just thought that since the votes were reset… I wouldn’t be able to get as many again… because I know some of them were just because of our buzz from the first few episodes. I just thought… No, I didn’t think.”

Jisung goes to hug Daniel and Jinwoo eventually joins in, cradling their giant maknae, letting him wilt in their arms. “It’s going to be fine,” Jisung says soothingly. “Just apologize and show them your sincerity.”

Daniel nods as he burrows against Jisung’s shoulder, whispering apologies. Jinwoo can’t believe the muck they’ve all walked themselves into, this gaffe, the hateful comments directed at Jisung, and the complete indifference towards him. Things were looking so good too.

Time seems to be passing by quickly, and Jinwoo spends most of it with his team just singing ad nauseum to make sure they could sing If It Was You in their sleep. They probably could at this point.

They’re in their usual practice room when they see dance kids zooming around the second floor screaming incoherently about the representative being there. Jinwoo can hear Lee Geonhee yelling, “Representative BoA is here?” so they all scramble up out of their seats and run downstairs. Representative BoA is indeed there, smiling at them kindly as they line up in their teams whispering to each other about why she might have graced them with her presence.

When they’ve all assembled, Representative BoA tells them that she’ll be away at an overseas concert on the day of the position evaluation but she still wanted to check on them and their progress. Performing in front of her is more nerve wracking than the prospect of performing in front of one thousand national producers. Jinwoo tries to soothe his nerves as they wait. He could sing this song in his sleep. There’s nothing to worry about.

Yehyun sits down at the keyboard and the three of them stand behind him. Representative BoA watches them with kind eyes as they sing, even though this kind of emoting usually makes Jinwoo close his eyes so he can’t see her expressions. Maybe it’s for the best because her gaze, though kind, makes him feel anxious. When Yehyun plays the final chords of the song and Jinwoo opens his eyes, he can see the awestruck faces of the other trainees and the sweet smile on Representative BoA’s face. Jinwoo basks in their applause and Representative BoA’s comments and honestly, the idea of performing for her was anxiety inducing, but listening to her praise made it all worth it.

Even more so when afterwards she asks them if they really think she really came to see them empty handed and says she brought them food. The practice room echoes with them all chanting “representative” over and over as she laughs and they follow her down to the dining hall. She brought them pizza. Jinwoo knows angels are real as he stuffs pizza into his mouth and forgets all about all the things that weigh on him.

After they eat, people get called away to do relay cams, including Yehyun so the rest of their afternoon is spent playing around, taking a few minutes here and there to practice by singing the song through once. Behind the scenes filming sees not one, but two filming teams come in to bother their team when they do have the chance to practice for extended periods.

“We’re filming like it’s Music Bank!” Noh Taehyun announces, pushing his camera close to their faces as they sing, though Seonglee plays along and finishes the song with a cheerful and deep, “get lost,” which makes them all laugh.

Jinwoo sleeps, feeling positive.

The atmosphere is a lot more tense the next day because higher ups from the production staff have appeared onsite, (Jinwoo is sure they aren’t there to give them more pizza) and the whispers say it’s to decide how to deal with the trainees involved in the vote manipulation scandal.

Daniel gets called in for a meeting.

Jinwoo kind of feels like tearing his hair out as he sits in a practice closet with his team trying to squeeze in extra practice. It’s important, but Jinwoo’s head is somewhere else. He shouldn’t have read the nasty comments online. He shouldn’t have let it enter his mind that Daniel could get asked to leave the program. They’ve come too far to trip up here.

Luckily, If It Was You is a song Jinwoo has sung for a long time so he can sing it without thinking too much. It helps if he focuses, but it’s enough to get through their practice before they’re called away for interviews. Jinwoo finds Daniel later when the three of them are called to talk to their manager.

“Is everything okay?” Jinwoo asks as they walk.

“They’re not asking me to leave,” Daniel answers. “They’re letting me perform. But there will be a penalty when the next assignment is announced.”

“Okay,” Jinwoo breathes a sigh of relief. “That’s manageable.”

Jinwoo feels bad being comforted by the fact that Daniel isn’t the only one who’s been caught up in voting manipulation scandals, because at least if he’s not alone, Daniel can’t be the only bad one. Because of his popularity, Daniel’s going to get the most attention, but it’s something they just have to deal with. It’s an unfortunate side effect of Daniel’s scary climb through the ranks. Jinwoo just hopes this scandal won’t oust him from the top.

Their manager confiscates Daniel’s phone, like Taewoong predicted. But his hand is still outstretched after pocketing Daniel’s phone. “Jisung, Jinwoo, yours too.”

Jinwoo sighs heavily as he hands his phone over to the manager, kissing his link to the world outside goodbye. It’s a comfort to know barring another tumultuous ranking announcement, he’ll be getting it back soon.

From their meeting, they go to the dress rehearsal. Jinwoo gets a suit that fits him this time, instead of borrowing his members’ clothes. He still styles his own hair, opting to keep the soft bangs. It makes him look more like a vocalist, he thinks, since his old hairstyle made everyone think he was a rapper. Similarly, he sees the other vocal teams questioning where Yongguk was the whole time and what his real position was, the consensus being probably dance, but Yongguk still sings well. They get praised a lot at dress rehearsal too and Jinwoo feels good.

The morning of the position evaluation feels even more nerve wracking, even if they did well throughout practice and dress rehearsal. Somehow Jinwoo wants to hope for a miracle, another plot twist in this drama, but he knows that no matter what tonight is his last stage. Jinwoo tries to stop his fingers from shaking as he buttons up his shirt and tries to will away the one tight knot in the pit of his stomach. Worrying won’t do him any good anyway. They practiced hard enough he can sing this song in his sleep.

They’re the third stage of the night and Jinwoo only begins to feel more anxious. He’ll be relieved to get it over with and yet he’s very worried. Jisung’s group is last in the vocal category. Daniel’s group is the last of the night. It’s going to be a very long night for all of them.

Daniel hugs him so hard he lifts Jinwoo off the floor. Jinwoo does not appreciate this because he hears someone - he thinks it’s Ong Seungwoo - laughing at them. “Good luck, hyung,” Daniel says, smiling brightly. Jinwoo pats the side of Daniel’s face - how can a face get that thin so quickly? - and smiles at him gently.

They’re called to do their introductions and Jinwoo is acutely aware of how much his in-ear is bothering him. It has never fit correctly, because it was some cheap piece of crap he got from their company and not nearly as high tech as some of the other trainees’ equipment. He had taped it in place for Call Me Baby and just hoped someone backstage had the presence of mind to keep a roll of tape there. They introduce their team and state their resolutions before going backstage so the production crew could set up their props. Jinwoo pulls out his in-ear and rubs his ear, which he assumes is red, wincing in annoyance. Why couldn’t he have things that fit properly? Maybe when this was over he’d go and buy himself some decent equipment.

When the crew finishes, they walk back onstage. It looks like a drama set. Jinwoo sits on a bench beside Yehyun and steadies his breathing. He can sing this in his sleep. They all can.

Their music begins and Jinwoo can hear Yehyun’s gentle voice beside him. He steadies his own breathing to sing. The swelling melody and their harmony is everything Yehyun planned for this stage. It’s a weight off Jinwoo’s shoulders when no one’s voice cracks or some other disaster happens. Even so, when the last chords of the song fade out, Jinwoo can’t help but be startled at the quiet. He supposes since it’s a ballad, the crowd wouldn’t go crazy like they might for an upbeat dance song. He keeps his expression neutral, aware there’s a camera trained on his face.

They move backstage to get their results. It doesn’t feel as harrowing, waiting, because they’re competing against each other. Even so, the crew tries to fabricate a mysterious and heart pounding ambiance by making them wait for the screens to light up, so they end up all sliding to their knees, praying for the results to come out faster. When they do, the screen shows that Jinwoo has ranked third in the group. It’s predictable, as is Yongguk taking the first place.

“Hyung,” Yehyun says to him as they move back to the waiting area. “You were so cool. I didn’t notice until after that you didn’t use your in-ears. I’m envious of your ear for music. Does hyung have perfect pitch?”

Jinwoo instinctively reaches up to touch his ears. No, his in-ear isn’t there. He never put it back.

“Oh,” he says, feeling stupid. “That’s why everything was so quiet.”

“Ahh, this hyung,” Yehyun throws an arm around his shoulders. “You didn’t hear the crowd? They loved us.”

“Yehyunie,” Jinwoo says softly. “You shouldn’t have given us all your parts. I’m sorry.” Yehyun placed last. Jinwoo feels selfish for ranking above him, when Yehyun did so much for them.

“Hyung, this is so sudden,” Yehyun is smiling at him so kindly. Jinwoo feels a twinge of guilt looking at his face. It’s too open and kind, the face of a boy who’s too nice to be on a survival. “I don’t regret it. I want you all to rise.”

Jinwoo pats Yehyun’s head. “You should too. We should all keep surviving this.”

They return from the stage and sit down for interviews. Jinwoo doesn’t have much to say so he says he’s proud of the performance, because he is. There’s no need to dress it up. He’s just honest.

Jisung is smiling and gives his hands a squeeze when they return to the backstage area, and good, Jisung’s wiped off some of his lip tint so he doesn’t look like he’s about to shoot a lipstick CF.

Jinwoo doesn’t feel nervous watching the other teams sing, if it was his team that made the others nervous, what does he have to fear? He’s maybe a little resigned too, since he doesn’t think it’s likely he’ll get to the next stage. His rank is too low and since his onsite votes seem to be low as well, Jinwoo is already preparing for his time here to be over again. Jinwoo only begins to feel nervous when it’s time for Jisung’s team to perform. Jisung reaches over to squeeze his hand again before he goes and Jinwoo’s stomach begins to hurt. Jinwoo knows Jisung can sing well, he only hopes others will see it and hear it as well.

Downpour is already an emotional song, so it’s no wonder most of them sitting in the waiting room get moved to tears by the performance. Even Jinwoo gets a bit misty eyed. At least there’s Lee Woojin, who is perhaps a little too young to know many hardships from saying goodbye, laughing about Hyunbin ripping out his in-ear with tears streaming down his face which makes everyone else lighten up.

The staff moves the vocal group back to the main waiting room to set up for the next round of performances from the trainees who selected rap. Jinwoo turns in his chair anxiously, waiting for the Downpour team to return from their individual interviews. Jisung’s voice was the most stable, Jinwoo thinks, so he hopes that means Jisung was able to rank well within his group. The competition is stiff, but Jinwoo thinks if anyone could make a plot twist, it would be Jisung.

The rap performances are enjoyable, even if Jinwoo is only half paying attention, wondering when he’ll get a chance to pull Jisung aside and ask about his results. Jisung’s expression was good, he was smiling and seemed happy but his other members looked a little dour. Jinwoo isn’t sure what that means in terms of their results, but he can feel his stomach coiling because he knows Jisung isn’t a person who would rub his success in the faces of others.

So it might mean Jisung didn’t do well.

He squeezes Daniel as hard as he can when the dance teams move out of the waiting room. Daniel’s gotten so thin.

“Hyung,” Daniel is laughing. “Are you trying to crush me?”

“Do well, Niel,” Jinwoo mumbles into Daniel’s shoulder.

Daniel squeezes him back, almost crushing Jinwoo’s ribs. “I will, hyung,” he promises, smiling.

The dance performances seem to be on a different level than everyone else’s and Jinwoo can’t help but get caught up in the exciting atmosphere. When he sees how sharply they prepared, his body just moves, trying to find their rhythm, wondering if he should have shown a more excited image from the start instead of the more reserved image he ended up showing.

It’s late by the time Daniel’s team sets up to perform. Jinwoo feels his stomach roiling with nerves as the monitor shows them walking onstage. Jinwoo bites his lip as Daniel expresses that his inexperience as a leader hurt his team but promises to show a good performance anyway. The room is full of chatter. “They already look cool,” Dongho says from behind him. Jinwoo can feel himself nodding slightly at every sentence of praise thrown out by the others, and wonders if Jisung is sitting as rigidly as he is two rows behind him and if he’s just as terrified about what the outcome might be. Between practicing on their own and fielding the scandal, Jinwoo didn’t know how well Daniel had managed to prepare. All he had heard was that Kahi tore them a new one when they were checked by the trainers. Jinwoo doesn’t know what to expect.

Jinwoo thinks he worried for nothing when their music starts. They’re sharp and he gasps in amazement. The others around him are just as amazed and Jinwoo is struck by everything as his eyes follow Daniel as he pushes himself into a handstand - ah, when did their maknae lose so much weight? He thinks his mouth is still hanging open as Daniel moves into another bboy trick, spinning on his hand, it feels like yesterday when Daniel was in their practice room trying it for the first time, bragging about how cool it would look while Taewoong looked on saying he wouldn’t take responsibility if Daniel broke his wrist throwing his whole body into the air like that. (Daniel didn’t break his wrist, but he still toppled over onto Jaehan, knocking both of them over.)

It ends as quickly as it starts; they can hear the screaming of the fans from the waiting room. Jinwoo claps until his hands feel numb. They’re on a different level than the rest of them, Jinwoo thinks, he just hopes Daniel can claw his way above the rest.

Jinwoo thinks gathering them for the onsite voting is crueler than waiting backstage, it might even be crueler than being eliminated. It just feels too humiliating to show how many votes each person received. Jinwoo didn’t get the chance to talk to Jisung or Daniel about their votes. He’s nervous.

The votes are revealed team by team. How can numbers start that high? With Geonhee’s team all pulling over 600 or 700 votes, how can anyone catch them? When they reveal the votes for If It Was You, it feels negligible. Even Yongguk’s votes were over 600 but he only hit fifth. Jinwoo is surprised he managed as many as four hundred and ninety-nine votes, but it’s still only eleventh place with two teams of the most popular trainees left to reveal. He thinks he’ll be lucky if he can stay here, third from the bottom. Playing With Fire is revealed next and there are gasps of shock all over the room. Their first place has only scratched eighth place, and Choi Minki has received the fewest votes. Jinwoo is only pushed down three places.

Leeteuk tries to drum up the drama before Downpour is revealed. Jinwoo glances over at Jisung, who has his hands clasped in front of his face. It shocks him again, seeing that Kim Jaehwan was only able to reach eighth, and Jisung… Jinwoo thinks he must be going blind. Jisung has fewer votes than he has; Jisung is twenty-first of twenty-two places. Jinwoo blinks again. That can’t be real. It can’t be real.

The dance votes are worse. Jinwoo rocks back and forth on his heels as the whole room waits for the votes from the Get Ugly team. And they’re low. Park Woojin, who was first, only rises up to fifth. Daniel is twenty-first. Jinwoo pinches the back of his hand. He’s having an elaborate nightmare. Three hundred and fifty-five votes only. Even though he feels a surge of anger when they make Samuel give comments about the low votes of the Get Ugly team, Jinwoo still feels numb. The votes don’t make sense to him.

The three of them are quiet again when they’re alone. Jinwoo wants to feel something other than fear, wants to believe public opinion hasn’t turned on Daniel and Jisung so swiftly and harshly, but it’s too hard. It’s only worse because Daniel and Jisung just smile easily, saying meaningless things about accepting the results as they are and not being dissatisfied. Jinwoo wants to be enraged by it, but he can’t, so he just holds onto both of them as they sit together and makes himself sick worrying about them.

There isn’t much time because the next evaluation is the concept evaluation and they’re gathered again to see and hear the songs they’ve been gifted. Everyone buzzes with excitement before the atmosphere becomes tense again.

“There’s an important notice,” Representative BoA announces from the stage. “Trainee Kang Daniel, Trainee Kim Dongbin, and Trainee Lee Kiwon.” Jinwoo hangs his head. “You have published controversial posts about song selection through SNS, right?” It’s the penalty Daniel mentioned before, not having any say in song assignment. Through the sea of heads in front of him, Jinwoo can see the back of Daniel’s fluffy blonde head is bowed.

They’re called out alphabetically. Jinwoo will be sitting a long time looking at the back of Daniel’s head. When Jinwoo gets his envelope, he’s puzzled. It’s a digeut with the ah vowel. “Da.” Tilting his head he walks into the practice room with the matching sign. The trainees gathered is even more puzzling. There’s a good mix of all skills there, but mainly strong vocalists; he notices Yongguk and Seonglee both came. After a moment, Daniel and Kiwon both enter, having been reassigned here too. Jinwoo feels a bit relieved seeing Daniel’s face here.

They start to chatter about what they think their song might be and quickly conclude it’s Open Up. Yoon Heeseok goes to check the sign and Jinwoo bites his lip in anticipation, wondering. Even though Heeseok hesitates and wipes his sweaty hands off on his shirt, when he does rip the sign, it’s as they predicted. Open Up. Jinwoo feels nervous, the dance is complex, but Daniel is nodding with a satisfied expression so Jinwoo feels more at ease.

The staff tells them to pick a leader. The twelve of them look at one another, some avoiding eye contact. Jinwoo’s name comes up, Seonglee mentions that Jinwoo has twice been a leader. Jinwoo declines it. “It would be better if someone who is strong in dance led,” he explains. Everyone’s heads swivel towards Daniel. Dongho verbalizes this, “for me, it’s Kang Daniel.” And yet since Dongho has previously debuted, “you would be a good anchor for our mentality,” Lee Insoo offers. Dongho coolly declines it and everyone agrees that Daniel should lead.

They’re split into two teams. Jinwoo finds himself drifting away when he sees Seonglee and Heeseok have already joined Daniel’s team but Daniel catches Jinwoo’s arm and pulls him towards his side of the room. “Hyung, be on my team.”

Jinwoo pulls his arm free with a laugh. “Have you lost it?” he asks playfully. “Look at the vocals gathered on your team. What will I do there?”

Daniel takes his wrist again. “Hyung, please stay.” Daniel bites his lip. “I’ll take responsibility for you.”

“You don’t seriously want me to rap,” Jinwoo says.

“I will teach you, hyung. Dance too. Please, stay with me.”

Daniel looks too much like a puppy and Jinwoo can’t refuse him. “What will you do if I become an expert at rapping?” he asks with a smile. “You and Taewoongie won’t have anything to do.”

Daniel’s face scrunches up when he laughs. “I will just be proud I taught you well, hyung.”

Daniel keeps Jinwoo close to him as he teaches and Jinwoo trains his eyes on Daniel’s broad shoulders. Learning choreography is where he struggles, and Open Up has difficult choreography, so Jinwoo can’t afford to fall behind. Jinwoo can tell the other team is having a hard time because Daniel isn’t managing all twelve of them but Jinwoo can’t think to be worried about them. He has to learn well on the off chance he survives. When they go into their dance check with Kahi and she asks if they prepared well, Jinwoo doesn’t miss the way the others grit their teeth when Daniel answers yes.

Jinwoo dances with his teeth clenched, because it’s still difficult, no matter how well Daniel taught him, and all of his energy is focused on not making himself and his small mistakes apparent. He knows there’s going to be a problem when the other team gets up, so right now, he just has to stay in sync with the others. Kahi praises them and Daniel’s face lights up.

The other team goes up and all the color drains out of Daniel’s face as Kahi’s expression darkens. She makes them repeat the dance until they’re soaked in sweat, but beside Jinwoo on the floor, Daniel is sweating just as much, his eyes shaking as they follow the movements of the other team. They return to their practice room where Daniel stares off for a while. Jinwoo kneels by his side. “Come on, Niel ah,” he says gently. “We’ll fix this.”

They do their choreography as a full group and things get easier as the other team catches up. Daniel’s mood lifts along with everyone else’s. It doesn’t feel like an elimination is looming as they practice relaxedly together. And yet, Jinwoo knows it’s coming, so it seems futile to try to learn how to rap now even though he can’t say that to Daniel’s face when Daniel is so earnestly trying to help him. It’s when Daniel is trying to teach him that Jinwoo notices the awkward way that Daniel is resting his hand against his knee.

“What did you do to your hand?”

“Nothing,” Daniel says quickly. “It’s fine.”

“Niel,” Jinwoo groans. “You hurt something again, didn’t you?”

“It’s nothing serious,” Daniel insists, hiding his hand behind his back. “We should get back to…”

“Daniel, what did you do to your hand?”

“I think I dislocated my thumb.”

“Dislocated…” Jinwoo would hit Daniel if he weren’t already hurt. “Kang Euigeon!”

“It’s really fine, hyung, I’ve been managing it…”

“You need to go to the hospital, you idiot!”

Jinwoo has a headache just from looking at Daniel’s bright smile as he gets a cast put on his hand. “You have to take care of yourself better,” Jinwoo scolds, but Daniel just smiles at him toothily and nods. Jinwoo can’t help but sigh and indulge Daniel when he’s like that. Their maknae is just a big puppy.

“Go rest!” Jinwoo yells as Daniel bounds into their company practice room. Jisung has been uncharacteristically quiet all day and drags his feet behind Jinwoo. “What’s wrong?” Jinwoo asks him. “Are you worried about Niel? You know how often he injures himself.”

“I am worried about him,” Jisung says carefully.

Jinwoo frowns. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“Tomorrow,” Jisung sighs. “I think tomorrow’s the end for me.”

“Hyung, your ranking is still high.”

“I already dropped ten ranks,” Jisung says softly. “I think I will continue to fall.”

“Hyung, you’re going to survive again.” Jinwoo pats Jisung’s back gently. “I’m going home tomorrow, but you’re not.”

Jisung pulls him into a hug. “Jinwoo yah, I’m afraid.”

Jinwoo rests his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. He thinks about Jisung and how many years they’ve known each other and the way Jisung has had to live to keep fighting for his dream and how Jinwoo always feels acutely guilty every year when the weather turns cold because he knows while he’s in the comfort of his parents’ house, Jisung is probably freezing half to death in the basement of a goshiwon without heat or electricity, and then in the summer Jisung is plagued by neverending fruit flies. And yet Jisung has always bore those hardships without complaining to his own parents, and though he would complain to the four of them when they were training, he never made demands of them to help him. Jisung always suffers quietly by himself and it hurts Jinwoo’s heart.

Jinwoo cradles Jisung’s head against his shoulder. “Hyung, you’re going to survive until the end. You and Daniel both. Hyung, you’re never going back to that goshiwon ever again.”

“Jinwoo…”

“No, no,” Jinwoo hugs Jisung more tightly, wishing he could do more to ease Jisung’s worries, but he can’t. “I’m serious. You’re going to make it to the end.”

Jisung hugs him back and they stay there until Daniel comes bounding back in and scoops them both up in his arms cheerily asking why he wasn’t invited to the group hug. Jinwoo can feel Daniel’s cast pressing into his back.

It’s a surprise when Jinwoo wakes up after sleeping well and his stomach doesn’t hurt. Maybe it’s because Jinwoo knows he can’t hope for another miracle like last time, and that he’s confident enough in both Jisung and Daniel, no matter the odds, that they’ll stay securely in safe ranks. Jinwoo combs his hair and doesn’t feel anxious.

They’re back in that same place, with even fewer chairs, and the air is so thick with tension but Jinwoo can breathe, even though Jisung is rocking back and forth on his heels, chewing on his lower lip. Jinwoo gives his hand a squeeze.

“Hyungs, hyungs, we should do the Signal point dance for our entrance,” Daniel suggests.

“The Brand New kids are doing that,” Jinwoo replies.

“We’ll do it uniquely,” Jisung says easily, “with the Jisung Clap.”

So again, it feels strange to walk out and play in front of all the cameras, while everyone pretends to not be on edge. Jinwoo sits in his seat and wishes it was more comfortable because he’ll be sitting here until the end, but perhaps it’s a good thing because he’ll be able to see both Jisung and Daniel off as they leave to join the next round instead only being able to watch them like last time.

Representative BoA enters, and they all stand. She smiles at them warmly as she makes announcements about the elimination and the cutline at the 35th place. She continues and mentions the next evaluation and Jinwoo can’t help but notice when her voice suddenly catches on the word, elimination. Jinwoo wonders if even Representative BoA gets stressed when eliminations loom like this. He knows that she’s invested in them enough to know them all by name, because he overheard the staff commenting that Representative BoA might be the only member of staff who learned every trainee’s name by heart. Jinwoo wonders if it hurts her to see them get eliminated.

But the real shock comes when she tells them that the total number of votes for this round surpassed last round, despite the resetting of votes. Jinwoo remembers the last couple articles about the program he managed to read before the company confiscated his phone; they were about illegal votes coming in from overseas and how the network was working on removing illegal users and preventing further votes coming in from overseas. But if more votes were cast this time, without counting last round and potentially without extra votes coming in from outside, what did that mean for the rankings? Jinwoo can guess it will get tumultuous again, but he still doesn’t think he can hope to survive. Jisung said he used all his life’s luck to rank third last time, surely Jinwoo used all off his life’s luck to even survive.

And just like that it starts again, the lights shift and the ominous music starts. There’s already a shock at 34th place. The number of votes starts over 600,000 and Jinwoo neatly gives up any hope he might have been foolishly holding onto. Already, the mountain is too tall to climb. Jisung is whispering with Kwon Hyunbin, who predicts himself to be 34th because his ranking from last week was 33rd. Representative BoA’s voice sounds strained when she announces that it is Hyunbin and there are gasps about how much his rank dropped. Jinwoo gives him a brief hug as he walks past.

There’s already one shock from someone dramatically falling and it’s followed by another one of someone dramatically rising. The number of votes jumps slightly, almost 700,000 now, and then Jinwoo hears a name he hoped to hear more than his own at 33rd place.

“Windmay’s Trainee Kim Yehyun.”

Jinwoo’s heart swells as he claps for Yehyun who goes onstage with a shocked look on his face. Jinwoo suddenly feels more at ease, knowing for sure now that the national producers locked in on Yehyun’s abilities and selflessness and saved him. Jinwoo smiles warmly as everyone realizes Yehyun jumped up twenty ranks.

The surprises don’t stop when Moonbok is announced at the 32nd rank, having also dropped significantly. Jisung’s getting antsy beside him and Jinwoo thinks grimly that the tumultuousness probably hasn’t even begun.

Takada Kenta is 31st, which is impressive considering how little he ever comes out on broadcast, and there’s another big shock at 30th place, when RBW’s Lee Geonhee is called despite his huge benefit from placing first in vocal position. Jinwoo’s head is spinning when Brand New Music is announced at 29th and a ripple of whispers breaks out, “they’re calling Brand New already?” This is only the first round and yet there’s already so many unpredictable results coming out. It’s Kim Donghyun called and Daniel whispers to Jinwoo, “his rank was around forty last week,” and Jinwoo nods as Representative BoA confirms he was 41st, just one rank above Jinwoo. Jinwoo pushes down the hope of surviving again, even as one of the moving floor cameras sweeps over him, because it’s probably trying to shoot behind him as they call HF Music Company’s Park Woodam. The round ends with another big jump from last week, and Kim Sanggyun is in disbelief as he goes up onstage.

Jinwoo’s head already hurts from the unpredictability of the round and he gives Jisung’s shaking hand a reassuring squeeze. Jinwoo remains steadfast in his belief that Jisung will make it.

The next round starts and the music gets worse, but the called trainees seem to have stabilized into a more predictable pattern, the only big shocks are WH Creative’s Seo Sunghyuk’s continued meteoric rise to 24th rank, and the 20th rank, Pledis’ Choi Minki, breaking Jihoon’s million vote mark from last elimination.

The next round starts in chaos as Representative BoA says there’s been a drop in ranking from someone originally high up and on the Get Ugly team. Jinwoo’s head snaps to his side, to Daniel’s smiling face. Originally. Originally. Jinwoo steadies himself. Daniel’s first ranks were in the twenties, there were people who definitely started out higher before they started falling. And sure enough, it’s Yuehua’s Ahn Hyungseob.

Jisung leans into Jinwoo’s ear. “They didn’t air his apology during the evaluation. It probably hurt him.”

Jinwoo nods. “He fell a lot.”

Clearly, the stage has been set for another tumultuous round as Representative BoA admits she’s shocked by the next rank. Jinwoo bites his lip. They’re up to the 18th rank now and people begin to debate if the shock is from someone dropping or rising. Jisung turns to them. “Is it me?” But Jinwoo shakes his head. It doesn’t feel right, just yet.

“Choon’s Trainee Kim Yongguk,” and Jinwoo swivels in his chair in shock but again, his heart feels lighter looking at the happy look on Yongguk’s face. Everyone’s gasping at how high he climbed in such a short span of time.

The next rank is Jeong Sewoon and Jisung begins to puff out his cheeks anxiously so Jinwoo grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze. They’re nearing Jisung’s ranking from last week, so it’s just a matter of when. Representative BoA says she’s shocked again by the next one and Jisung predicts it’s him.

“I might have dropped again from thirteenth,” he says.

But it’s not Jisung, it’s Kim Samuel, and everyone’s shock is obvious, his applause dying out to the whispers of confusion as to how he fell so much. It’s an enormous drop, from second last elimination to sixteenth this time. And yet, Representative BoA mentions the huge number of views, millions, on his individual video from the position evaluation so it becomes even more shocking when Samuel clearly isn’t lacking in popularity.

Fifteenth rank and Representative BoA is making a face at her cue cards again and the tension in the room is even higher. Jisung leans across him to whisper to Bae Jinyoung that it could be either of them based on their rankings from last week being the closest, and sure enough, she announces, “MMO’s,” and Jisung’s jaw drops.

Jinwoo feels like a weight has truly come off him as he gives Jisung’s hand another squeeze as she says, “Trainee Yoon Jisung,” and everyone begins to circle clap for him as he makes his way to the stage without tears, even telling everyone that he isn’t going to cry. Jinwoo feels much more at ease when Jisung is giving his remarks and even jokingly says that people shouldn’t worry about him anymore because he’s living well.

It means that Daniel hasn’t been pushed out of the top 11, it’s just a question of whether or not he’ll fall from last evaluation. Jinwoo doubts that he’ll hang onto the second spot from last week, but he’s still in the top and that’s what matters.

The top 11 is going to look different anyway, as Representative BoA points out that three of the top 11 fell down ranks so three new people have moved up. They’ve cut off the music again so the room is thickly silent and Jinwoo drums on his kneecaps as Daniel looks down. Eleventh can’t be Daniel because it’s someone who wasn’t previously in the top 11, so Jinwoo scans the remaining seats, recalling last week’s ranks and tries to guess. Tenth isn’t Daniel either, because it’s someone who ranked first in their team during the position evaluation. He still isn’t ninth, because ninth is someone from vocal position. Jinwoo becomes increasingly more relaxed thinking that Daniel will remain in higher ranks even among the top 11.

Eighth is where Jinwoo perks up because Representative BoA mentions satoori and that only leaves two reasonable options, Daniel or Im Youngmin. Jinwoo would guess it would have to be Youngmin, because Youngmin’s ranking last week was lower than Daniel’s, but “MMO’s Trainee Kang Daniel” is called. Jinwoo admits he’s surprised, and everyone else is too based on the shocked ooh-ing coming from everyone’s lips. Jinwoo can see Jisung covering his mouth in shock. But Jinwoo is happy nonetheless, because Daniel’s finally been called safe, so he pats Daniel on the back and gives him a hug. His votes are so close to two million. Jinwoo is at ease, especially when Daniel carefully does not use his injured hand to give people high fives. He apologizes for the scandal during his remarks and Jinwoo eases back into his seat and smiles. Seventh ranks goes by quickly, sixth rank is where the votes surpass two million, and fifth is when Youngmin - who has been fidgeting anxiously the entire time - finally gets called.

The top four yield no surprises again - Kim Jonghyun, Lai Guanlin, Lee Daehwi, and again, Park Jihoon - it’s just a question of what order they’ll be called in. Daehwi is called first, and he speaks well and greets his mother in America, before climbing the steps up to his seat and Jinwoo smiles on him fondly.

The real surprise is next when it’s revealed Park Jihoon has tumbled down to third place, meaning that both first and second ranks will be different from the previous elimination. Jinwoo isn’t sure how the result will play out, looking at a six years debuted artist beside a six months chick trainee, when both have gained massive popularity. Jinwoo thinks Jonghyun will edge out Guanlin because of the benefit votes. His prediction is correct as he watches them both walk up to the throne at the top of the pyramid.

Thirty-fifth rank crosses his mind but he pushes it aside immediately. Jinwoo doesn’t think it will be him, yet he hears his name whispered among the others as they try to predict who will come up on the screen. He isn’t there and it’s OUI’s Trainee Kim Donghan who survives at the 35th rank.

Jinwoo doesn’t cry when they’re all saying goodbye. It’s a shame to be eliminated, and yet Jinwoo didn’t think he would come this far anyway, so he has no tears to try. He sees Jisung running around in tears, hugging everyone, so Jinwoo lingers by Daniel and gives him a tight hug.

“Promise me something, Niel,” Jinwoo murmurs. “Promise me you’ll take care of Jisung hyung.”

“Of course I will, hyung,” Daniel replies, giving Jinwoo a squeeze.

“Keep rising,” Jinwoo says, patting Daniel’s back. “You and hyung both, keep rising.”

“We will, hyung.”

Jisung comes rushing over and crushes Jinwoo in a hug. “Jinwoo yah.”

“What did I tell you, hyung? I told you that you’d make it.” Jinwoo smiles as he rubs Jisung’s back. “I told you.”

Jinwoo smiles at them both fondly, ruminating on how much he loves them. “Do well,” he tells them, holding their hands. “Keep rising. Stay out of trouble too.” He shakes Daniel’s hand a bit. “And get some rest.” He smiles at them warmly. “I’ll go back home and wait for you, but you should both make it to the end. Debut. We’ll wait for you until the end.”

Jisung bursts into tears again and charges Jinwoo and squishes him until Jinwoo thinks he can’t breathe and Daniel scoops them both up again and Jinwoo laughs breathlessly as he gets crushed.

Jinwoo goes home and it feels strange at first. His house is too quiet compared to the hustle and bustle of the dorms. His free time still isn’t his own. He has to stay out of sight until the episode airs, so his presence outside doesn’t spoil the elimination results. For Jisung and Daniel’s sake he’ll need to keep a low profile anyway. He hasn’t been given his phone back either. So he lounges around at home and gorges himself on his mother’s cooking that he’s desperately missed. He wonders what he’s supposed to do with his spare time, since Taewoong and Jaehan have probably gotten back into their routines since being home.

When the episode airs, Jinwoo doesn’t bother watching and he retrieves his phone from the company and texts Taewoong and Jaehan that he’s returned home. They text him back that he worked hard and must have suffered a lot and that they’ll meet up soon.

When they meet, Jinwoo asks them to show him how to work his Instagram and they do, but also poke fun at him for not knowing how to use it. (And then they make fun of his greeting video asking why didn’t he plan it better because it kind of looks like he’s a floating head with his white shirt and cap against a white background with the filter he carefully selects. Jinwoo didn’t get eliminated to be treated like this by his dongsengs.)

“You did well,” Jaehan tells him later, with a soft smile.

“Not well enough,” Jinwoo replies pragmatically.

“You kept your promise, you know,” Jaehan adds. “Your last ranking still went up. You rose until the end. You worked hard, hyung.”

Jinwoo suddenly feels overwhelmed by some emotion that makes his eyes start to sting. Jaehan pulls Jinwoo into his embrace and Jinwoo starts crying, maybe he feels foolish because he’s twenty-five and doesn’t usually have many tears, but he cries anyway and lets out all the emotion that he’s held inside.

It’s the end of his survival.

The three of them get invited to watch the concept evaluation and Taewoong and Jaehan ask him about the songs and how practices were going before he left. Jinwoo isn’t sure, because he knows for sure the Open Up team got decimated in the elimination - everyone from Daniel’s team including himself were eliminated - so he isn’t sure how trainees were reshuffled. He knows Jisung was in Showtime, but to the best of his knowledge, Showtime also had quite a few trainees get eliminated.

“Most of the high ranking trainees went to Never,” Jinwoo mentions in the van. “I wonder who’s left.”

Jaehan has a stack of cheering banners on his lap that he’s picked up from somewhere - Jinwoo doesn’t know where - and is sorting them carefully.

Jinwoo reads them aloud. “God Daniel. Thank you, Jisung. Sanggyun, I love you. My taste, Lai Guanlin.”

“Where did you get these?” Taewoong asks.

“Fansites,” Jaehan replies as if that’s obvious. “I wanted to have some.” Taewoong picks a Jisung banner out of Jaehan’s pile and Jinwoo takes a different Daniel banner.

When they get out of the vans, some of the (hundreds and hundreds) of fans glance over at them curiously. “Are you MMO trainees?” A couple of the girls ask, and when they nod, the girls cover their faces a little to hide their blushing cheeks. “We’re your fans.”

Taewoong laughs. “You’re Niel and Jisung hyung’s fans?”

They shake their heads. “No, we’re your fans too.”

They have banners too, and Jinwoo accepts one gratefully, because he’s on it. “God Daniel. Jisung sshi. Jinu Man.” He reads and traces his fingers over his nickname.

“Wow,” Taewoong says giving his shoulder a shake. “You’re a real celebrity now.”

“Oh stop,” Jinwoo flushes. It feels strange to be on this side of the stage now, to look at the glittering blue lights from the audience side, waiting to see the performances. Jeong Sihyun and Lee Yoojin are there too and Jinwoo greets them cheerfully as they watch the theater fill up with fans.

The roar of the crowd is deafening as Representative BoA strides on stage, as beautiful and effervescent as ever, head to toe in red, and Jinwoo finds himself being caught up in the anticipatory swell of the crowd.

Showtime is first and the crowd screams as the trainees, including Jisung, walk out onto the stage. There are cameras facing the audience and Jaehan cheerfully waves his Sanggyun cheering banner in front of it and Jinwoo can’t help but laugh. When Representative BoA addresses Jisung, they start circle clapping for him in earnest. The camera is on them again too, so Jinwoo holds up the banner he got since at least his banner has Jisung’s name on it.

Showtime is bright and exciting and starts with fireworks and flashing lights and it suits them well. Jisung looks radiant and Jinwoo’s heart swells with pride. It seems they’ve digested the song well and Kim Samuel commands attention as the center and he finally looks in his element performing and the theater roars with applause.

When they’re asked to appeal to the audience, they all bring up elimination. Taewoong scoffs. “They’re making me sad, talking about it being their last stage,” he sighs. “I’ve been eliminated for a long time but I still feel sad.”

They try to catch Jisung’s attention as his team leaves the stage and the stage crew comes on to change the set. Representative BoA announces the next performance is from the team for I Know You Know. Jinwoo cheers and waves when he sees Yehyun among the group. I Know You Know is bright and pretty, and Jinwoo smiles fondly watching them perform, it looks like they suit the song and the concept well. And again, they mention elimination as they appeal to the national producers and it seems sadder because Jinwoo knows, collectively their ranks are the lowest, so elimination is closer to reality for them.

Representative BoA announces the next group by starting off with the groups that the producer has created songs for before and Jinwoo knows it in an instant and he feels the excitement bubbling up in him. Open Up.

Jinwoo and Yoojin cheer loudly for the song they almost had, and Jinwoo is amazed. He’s surprised by who moved to Open Up and he’s surprised by the overwhelming power of their visuals. Open Up is a dark and sophisticatedly sexy and the stage and the members all look the part, Daniel especially. (Though Jinwoo promptly abandons this thought of a smart and sexy Daniel as Daniel waves his injured arm in a fake knock and almost gives Jinwoo a heart attack.)

The first notes of the song play and Jinwoo’s excitement bubbles up again because he knows what’s coming, the kind of performance this will be and he and Yoojin just want to see how it all came along after they left it.

If the screams from all around the theater are any indication, Jinwoo thinks this will be the stage that comes out on top, because the concept fits the members like a glove and Jinwoo’s in awe of them and how these people he knows have changed so much, especially for a team that really had to rebuild from the ground up. Daniel commands all of Jinwoo’s attention and though Jinwoo winces every time Daniel’s injured hand hits the floor during the dance, he can’t help but respect how dedicated Daniel is, and how he can fill in all the small details of the dance in a way that no one else can, that Jinwoo could never hope to do. Jinwoo knows Daniel is talented, and he believes in him the most.

The theater rocks with screams for an encore and Jinwoo is so proud he could burst.

“So that’s the kind of stage hyung was supposed to do,” Jaehan yells across Taewoong and Jinwoo nods. He thinks it might be lucky he was eliminated; he doesn’t think he could have kept pace with the rest of them.

When it’s Daniel’s turn to appeal, he says his skills are inconsistent and Jinwoo joins the screeching girls behind him saying it isn’t so, and Daniel kindly says he would be thankful for their votes and if they voted for his other group members. Seonho mentions their inconsistent training time and how they worked hard to get up to speed, and Jinwoo smiles up at him, thinking of how far he’s come from their days together in F grade.

“He looks like a different person, doesn’t he? Our maknae.” Taewoong says to him as Daniel’s group leaves the stage.

“He does,” Jinwoo agrees.

Oh Little Girl is next. “All the flower boys are in that song,” Jinwoo says to Taewoong and Jaehan. They garner incredibly loud screams, of course because Park Jihoon is there. It’s a bright and cute song, light and refreshing for a hip hop concept, and Jinwoo thinks that Jeong Sewoon and his sweet vocals really stand out here.

Never is last, of course, the song composed by idols for idols, and the group where the most powerful trainees gathered. They’re all in the top ranks, and the expectations couldn’t be higher. Jinwoo thrums in anticipation for their stage. He has to acknowledge them, because they’re dazzling and in the span of the song they prove in one sweeping motion that they deserve to be the top ranked trainees because their skill is undeniable.

It’s over after that, and they file off for voting. Jinwoo votes for Daniel and Open Up and smiles thinking about how well Daniel must have taught the latecomers well to make them look so seamless as a group.

“What song did you vote for?” Taewoong asks Jaehan when they’re in the van.

“Never,” Jaehan answers and Taewoong smacks him on the shoulder.

“Kim Jaehan, which of our labelmates was in Never?”

Jaehan stammers. “That was the song I liked the most!”

“You were supposed to vote for Niel or Jisung hyung!”

“We never discussed that!” Jaehan huffs.

“I understand, Kim Jaehan,” Taewoong snorts. “You are regretting changing your birth name from Jaehwan to Jaehan and are trying to live vicariously through independent trainee Kim Jaehwan, aren’t you?”

“I voted for Never because of my pride as a composer!” Jaehan protests hotly. “It was the best song by composition! I respected it the most as a fellow composer!”

Taewoong is outright laughing now. “And I’m sure you voted for Guanlin.”

“Guanlin is a good kid!”

Taewoong is laughing and Jinwoo pokes his shoulder. “Taewoongie, who did you vote for?”

“I voted for Daniel in Open Up.”

Jinwoo smacks him on the shoulder. “I voted for Daniel in Open Up.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I was in Open Up! Open Up was my song!” Jinwoo sighs. “I thought you would vote for Jisung hyung!”

“I thought you would do that!”

“Why would I do that? Open Up was my song!”

“Why didn’t we discuss this before it started?” Jaehan sighs. “Let’s not tell Jisung hyung we forgot to vote for him.”

Jinwoo snorts. “I feel like he’ll get it out of us eventually.”

“Who do you suppose won?” Jaehan asks.

“Open Up,” Jinwoo answers. “They got the call for an encore.”

“True,” Taewoong says. “But with the popular trainees and the composer I think it’ll be Never.” He leans back to talk directly to Jaehan. “Your favorite song, Jaehannie! Never!”

Jaehan flicks Taewoong on the back of the head and Taewoong yelps exaggeratedly in pain.

Jinwoo spends less time with Jaehan and Taewoong than he thought he would, but it can’t be helped because they’ve been home for a while, of course they’ve reestablished their routines and have things to do. Since Jinwoo has nothing better to do, he watches the next broadcast at the company building and Jaehan joins him halfway through the episode.

“You came out before,” Jinwoo says. “I can’t believe you showed the camera your Sanggyun banner, that’s what came out on broadcast.”

Jaehan laughs as he settles in and leans on Jinwoo’s shoulder. “Sanggyun is a good friend,” he says easily.

Jinwoo feels itchy when he sees the difficulties Daniel’s team faced preparing for the stage, especially when the source of the trouble seemed to come directly from Joo Haknyeon. Jinwoo likes Haknyeon, they had bonded in F grade because they shared a last name and Jinwoo was an alumnus of the high school Haknyeon was attending. Jinwoo never had to prepare for a stage with him, but he had always seemed earnest enough, but Jinwoo also knew that Haknyeon’s own company had said something about Haknyeon being a slow learner. Jinwoo feels a little defensive when Jaehan mentions it looks like Daniel had a hard time.

“They’re all capable,” Jinwoo says. “Like Haknyeonie, you don’t get into Hanlim for nothing.”

“I know,” Jaehan says. “Daniel always has to struggle, but it’s nice to watch him do well and overcome them. He always manages well.”

“Yeah,” Jinwoo sighs.

Taewoong joins them for the tail end of the episode, right when they show the national producers filing off to vote, and suddenly it’s Jaehan on screen proudly announcing he voted for Never. Taewoong rolls off the couch from laughing so hard at Jaehan’s shocked face because of all the things that made it to broadcast, it really had to be Jaehan leaving his labelmates out in the cold.

Jinwoo isn’t sure he could bear watching the next elimination because he thinks he’d be too nervous to sit through it. He read too many rumors about the elimination and too many worries are clogging his thoughts. So he’s glad he really doesn’t have to because the finale is closing in and all the eliminated trainees are going to take part in the final performance of the theme song. So Jinwoo, Taewoong, and Jaehan have to review the dance in the company practice room and Jinwoo suffers through it again, but at least the three of them are together this time.

Jinwoo checks the results online after the episode airs to reassure himself that Jisung and Daniel are not going to suddenly appear in their company one afternoon and give them a shock. Jinwoo’s heart feels much more secure knowing that Jisung has returned to the top 11 and ranked at ninth place. When he sees that Daniel has risen to first place, he thinks his heart might burst with pride. He can see it already: their Niel in the center of that finale performance; then he’s not too far away from being the nation’s center.

There are surprises too, like Ha Sungwoon ascending ranks to grab third when last week he had been well below the elimination cutline, Haknyeon tumbling down from his firm hold on tenth place, and Guanlin falling drastically down to the final place, at twentieth, pushing out Yongguk. Jinwoo feels sad for Yongguk, but Yehyun makes their If It Was You team a lively little group chat and they cheer each other up through their messages.

Taewoong says he went and made some offerings for Jisung and Daniel to do well as they’re headed into the performance venue to rehearse. They manage to find Jisung and Daniel and they embrace again and Jinwoo feels so whole.

“I’m so proud of you,” Jinwoo whispers to Jisung. “You’re doing so well.”

Daniel gives him another bone crushing hug and Jinwoo tries to squeeze him back feebly. “You’re my pride,” he murmurs and Daniel beams.

The preparations for the finale seems to go by too fast and soon enough, it’s the moment of fate and they’re lined up backstage and Jinwoo’s stomach has twisted into an intricate series of knots. Jaehan backhugs him and starts rubbing his stomach and Jinwoo is grateful because he kind of wants to go throw up because he is so nervous and it’s not even him on the chopping block.

It feels like it starts too soon too, that it comes out of nowhere, but Jinwoo feels another surge of pride when it’s Daniel who turns to face the audience of screaming national producers in the center of the twenty trainees fighting for debut. Jinwoo can feel the difference in the stage when they step onto it, the difference in the venue, in the crowd, everything is different and Jinwoo just hopes he’ll be able to stand on a stage like this one more time in his life when he’s one of the focal points, one of the stars, and not a backup dancer again.

The stage ends quickly too, confetti raining down on the stage, and then Representative BoA is striding out onstage as the twenty trainees rush off to prepare for their group songs and the rest of them are herded towards their seating area. The view from the side sure looks different too and Jinwoo sits between Jaehan and Taewoong, holding their hands and hoping for the best.

It takes a while for things to happen. The massive screens in the venue are showing edited footage of the trainees rehearsing the new songs and battling for center. The first song is Super Hot, and neither Jisung nor Daniel are in this song. Super Hot looks bright and lively and most of the younger trainees chose that song. Their center is Sungwoon and it’s a fun and energetic stage with eye catching choreography made by Samuel. Jinwoo cheers for them as he begins to anticipate the next song.

But it’s MNet and nothing is simple.

They decide to show the four trainees who, from current voting, are at eleventh through fourteenth places. Jinwoo suddenly feels very tense, and he clasps his hands together tightly, hoping that neither Daniel nor Jisung’s face appear on the screen.

“Shit,” Taewoong groans, because Jisung’s face has indeed appeared in the mix.

“There’s still time,” Jaehan says, trying to be calm but his hands are shaking. “He hasn’t even performed yet.”

“I hope he’s the center,” Jinwoo says nervously as the screens begin to show the Hands On Me team’s training time.

(Jinwoo knows the tan coat Jisung is wearing when he’s trying out for center and can’t help but laugh when Daniel says Jisung looks like a flasher because Jinwoo has said the same thing before.)

But Jisung isn’t the center, and neither is Daniel for that matter. Bae Jinyoung is the center, showing just how far he’s come from being the boy who couldn’t even lift his head at the company evaluation. Hands on Me is another dark and sophisticated sexy concept, the kind that fits Daniel like a glove so Jinwoo can’t take his eyes off of him. He grimaces a bit at Jisung’s lack of lines, but Jisung suits this concept well even though his bright personality would have also suited Super Hot.

Representative BoA is onstage again and after talking to the trainers for a bit, she turns their attention to the screens again where they’re going to announce the person who is now sitting at eleventh place. Jinwoo’s guts are turning themselves inside out as they wait for the result. Jinwoo hopes he won’t see Jisung again, because the night doesn’t seem to be over and he doesn’t want Jisung to be lingering at such a dangerous rank. But then again, not seeing him doesn’t necessarily mean Jisung’s rank went up. And it isn’t Jisung who appears anyway, instead it’s Hwang Minhyun, who wasn’t even in the mix before.

The stage lights up soft and white and it reminds him of spring with the first few bars of the song. Jinwoo’s eyes prickle a bit with tears because it’s an emotional song and he can see Minki and a few of the others crying, but Jisung is smiling and he even waves at one of the cameras sweeping over the stage, and Jinwoo can see Taewoong wiping at some tears that have formed. A video of the trainees’ last night in the dorm starts playing as the stage dims and they rush off, and Jinwoo’s heart begins racing a little faster knowing they’re getting ever closer to the moment of fate.

Jinwoo can pick out their voices from the montage of final affirmations in the video. He can pick out Daniel’s brusquely determined voice, “I feel like I can change my life. I want to make my mom and dad proud of me,” and Jisung’s short, “I must debut.” And then the edges of the stage are glowing blue, and then the lights come up blue too, illuminating twenty stiff silhouettes and Jinwoo feels short of breath.

It’s Representative BoA’s voice cutting through the blue murkiness, “The voting results of the final eleven members will be revealed right now.”

Jinwoo clutches Jaehan and Taewoong’s hands, sucking in a rattling breath, overcome with nerves. He can hear Representative BoA speaking, but his thoughts are so loud that he can barely hear her. What happens if they falter now? What’s their future going to be if Jisung and Daniel don’t succeed here? Jinwoo was reading articles in the car, articles with titles like, “do you know what kind of company MMO is?” with conclusions that implored national producers to vote for Jisung, because Produce 101 was his last chance.

“Tenth place trainee.”

And the waiting game begins.

Jinwoo thinks a full minute passes before Representative BoA begins speaking again, mentioning that he was in F grade for the title song and Jinwoo exhales because that excludes both Jisung and Daniel.

“Who could that be?” Taewoong asks glancing over the stage.

“Minki, Seonho, Bae Jinyoung, and Haknyeonie?” Jinwoo replies.

And they start waiting again. The music they have playing sounds terrible but it does its job to ratchet up the tension. It seems endless, but finally C9 Bae Jinyoung is called and Jinwoo can see Jisung sprint across their platform to give him a hug. Jinwoo can see the Jinyoung banners waving ecstatically in the audience and Jinyoung is all smiles as he gives his thank you speech and promises to show an improved image and become a Jinyoung who is good at everything.

The ninth ranking trainee was in Never and Jinwoo’s stomach twists. This was Jisung’s previous rank but it can’t be him. So either Jisung managed to rise a little, or he dropped. Jinwoo squeezes Jaehan and Taewoong’s hands even harder and prays Jisung didn’t fall.

“All of Never is still there,” Jaehan murmurs, as the terrible waiting music is playing. “It could be any of them.”

It takes an eternity, but Representative BoA says, “Pledis,” and that narrows it down to two. There’s another pregnant pause and Representative BoA smiles and calls Pledis’ Hwang Minhyun. The platform becomes another giant group hug as they send Minhyun off towards the pyramid of seats. Minhyun’s voice shakes a bit as he thanks the national producers and the show for giving him a second chance, and the other trainees for creating good memories.

The music becomes tense after Minhyun takes his seat and Representative BoA announces the eighth ranking trainee as someone with a “unique character.” Jinwoo can see Ahn Hyungseob start swiveling around trying to identify who might have a unique character. Jinwoo bites his lips thinking that it could be Hyungseob, or it could be Jisung, or it could be anyone who’s been colorful on screen. The wait is agonizing, because Jinwoo thinks if Jisung isn’t called here, he might have dropped, and it’s a thought that’s almost too painful to bear.

But then it’s over, “MMO Trainee Yoon Jisung,” is called and Jinwoo can see the look of shock on Jisung’s face as he gets crowded by the others on the platform. When Jinwoo glances beside him, Jaehan and Taewoong are both tearing up and Jinwoo dabs at his own eyes to find them damp. People around them are doing the circle clap (most enthusiastically is Daniel, down onstage) as Jisung waddles to the pyramid of chairs and crouches down, clearly crying.

Jisung composes himself to speak and Jinwoo can see Jaehan wiping away his tears as Jisung promises to work harder and always smile and he is smiling and radiant and Jinwoo is moved but he doesn’t want to cry because he’s so happy to see Jisung finally get what he’s been working towards after seven years of heartbreak and Jinwoo thinks it’s better than getting to debut himself. Jinwoo’s heart is full of affection, affection shared by all the people around him who know and love Jisung so much and Jinwoo’s heart feels much more at ease watching Jisung sit down on his seat.

Jinwoo’s joy persists even after the music changes back and seventh place is announced as someone who did a rap part in Never. It’s another endless wait - Jinwoo wishes he had a watch so he could time the pauses because he’s certain they’re getting longer - but Guanlin is called. Taewoong leans across Jinwoo to tease Jaehan over the shrieking of Guanlin’s fans. “Jaehannie! Your favorite member from your favorite song!” And Jaehan flicks him on the nose.

“He climbed back up,” Jinwoo says and Jaehan nods as they cheer from the sides.

Guanlin says his thank yous in three languages and Jinwoo smiles fondly and laughs when Guanlin shows off his dance from the company evaluation cutely before heading up the pyramid.

The wait between announcing sixth rank and announcing the company, “Brand New Music,” is endless and Jinwoo internally groans thinking about how much longer they’re going to sweat it out over who might get called up, and how much agony Kim Donghyun must be in waiting to see which of his labelmates is getting called up. It’s another extended pause before, “Trainee Park Woojin” is called and it looks like Woojin bursts into tears at his name as he too gets crowded and hugged.

“His initial ranks were in the seventies,” Jinwoo recalls, marveling at that kind of meteoric rise and the growing confidence and overflowing charisma that always characterized Woojin’s dancing and demeanor. And he was dedicated too, performing with shingles and making it look like he wasn’t in pain. Woojin expresses his gratitude for the fans who kept supporting him while he was sick and gave him strength before heading up to his seat.

The wait for fifth rank is brutally long after being given the clue that the trainee at fifth was in A grade from the company evaluation, and Jinwoo is certain several minutes pass before finally Ong Seungwoo is called (but it seems to be worth the wait from the look of pure elation on his face). Seungwoo seems moved beyond words as he says he’ll become a member who brings positive energy and shows off his moves from Get Ugly and ends his thank you speech with a cheerful “I love you.”

It’s finally the top four and Jinwoo looks over the remaining members and furrows his brow thinking that things haven’t played out quite as predictably because there are a lot of popular trainees still standing. Representative BoA mentions that the fourth rank has sang most of the lines from the different battles.

Jaehan nudges him. “The main vocal has arrived. It’s Jaehwanie.”

It is, “independent trainee Kim Jaehwan” and it’s quite uplifting to see Jaehwan’s awe because he really did show up and make a case for himself - and break through the million votes barrier - without a company backing him up. Jaehwan gives other independent trainees trying to reach their goals without a company encouragement as he heads to his seat.

Third rank is someone who has never fallen out of debuting ranks and Jinwoo wracks his brain for who it could be. It’s not Daniel, since Daniel’s initial ranks were lower, but it could be Park Jihoon or Lee Daehwi. It’s another long wait before they do call Daehwi, and he near collapses with relief and tears and Jinwoo’s heart goes out to him as he sees Youngmin helping him back to his feet. Daehwi is calm and composed as he thanks the other trainees for voting him to be the title song center (“I voted for him,” Taewoong says, “I have good taste, don’t I?”) and thanks his mother who came all the way from the States to watch him rise to third.

The top two spots are left and Jinwoo thrums with nerves again. He thinks it’s safe to assume the top two are going to be Daniel and Jihoon again, but there are trainees still standing that Jinwoo thought would have already been called, so he can’t be certain. Jaehan has his hands clasped in front of his face again as Representative BoA begins speaking, saying that the two candidates will appear on screen. Jinwoo’s heart starts racing because of course the screens take forever to change, and the first change is only to read “First Place” and still not display the two candidates. It’s another endless stretch before Representative BoA says it will be revealed, and then Daniel and Jihoon’s faces come up on the screen. Jaehan starts excitedly clapping beside him, and Jinwoo feels somewhat relieved, because he knows Daniel is in and Jisung is already in, so their company has already had a successful night. But he still feels pressured because he really wants Daniel to hold onto that center position. Daniel is their talented maknae, and they have always believed in him the most.

“Oh, please be Daniel,” Taewoong groans softly beside him. “Please, please, be Daniel.”

Daniel and Jihoon walk to the stage and the waiting begins again. “God, they’re going to drag this out for ten minutes, aren’t they?” Jinwoo sighs.

“Probably,” Jaehan replies.

The suspenseful music is terrible and Representative BoA keeps repeating her cue cards, that the number one pick was chosen by the national producers, and Jinwoo keeps staring at Daniel’s obviously nervous expression.

“Oh please hurry up,” Taewoong groans. “I’m going to throw up at this rate.”

There’s an anticipatory intake of breath as Representative BoA says, “National producers,” and then an explosion of somewhat disbelieving laughter as she continues, “The result will be revealed in just a moment.”

“I almost fainted,” Jaehan whines.

“They’re going to drag this out as long as possible.” Jinwoo says. He nods towards the trainees still waiting. “And there’s still eleventh place after this.”

“I’m going to die in this venue,” Taewoong laughs.

Representative BoA asks Daniel and Jihoon how they’re feeling, and they both humbly thank the national producers for letting them come up to such a high rank again, and Jihoon adds that he hopes the results will be revealed soon because he’s nervous.

Representative BoA smiles and says that the first place trainee will be revealed without any more delays, though Jinwoo doubts this and knows there’s going to be at least a little pause, and he’s right as Representative BoA announces, “Produce 101’s first place trainee is,” and then the music gets louder again and Jinwoo groans. The number of votes is announced and after another pause, Jinwoo finally hears the words they’ve been waiting for.

“MMO’s trainee Kang Daniel!”

Jinwoo is so happy he starts clapping and swaying a little, Taewoong following him too as they dance a little at their seats. Jaehan is crying and Jinwoo can see onstage Jisung seems frozen in place with his hands over his mouth.

Daniel’s voice doesn’t seem too shaky despite being subjected to the long wait and Jinwoo beams listening to him give his thanks. He smiles more when Daniel turns to the other trainees and says that he hopes to meet them on the same stage again in the future. Jinwoo looks out at the sea of waving “God Daniel” banners and lets out a sigh of relief as Daniel continues to give his remarks. It sets his heart at ease knowing that now, with certainty, that Jisung and Daniel are going to achieve their dreams. It makes Jinwoo feel calm knowing that they aren’t going anywhere, that this was their last chance and they made it count, that they could finally reap the benefits of the years they spent training.

Jihoon gives his remarks after, praising Daniel’s abilities and thanking all of the national producers who always kept him in contention for first place, and of course tops it off by doing his signature aegyo. (Jinwoo notices everyone around him matches Jihoon’s movements reflexively.)

Jinwoo tears up again as Daniel and Jihoon start going up the pyramid and Daniel finally embraces Jisung there.

“It’s not over but I feel completely relaxed now,” Jinwoo says.

“They both made it,” Jaehan nods as he continues to wipe his eyes.

The triumphant music that plays as Daniel and Jihoon take their seats fades as Representative BoA announces that the eleventh place trainee is now going to be revealed by showing the faces of those vying for the final spot on the screens.

Jinwoo glances over the remaining trainees unsure of who to anticipate. “There are still people there who I thought might have been called,” he murmurs.

They have plenty of time to speculate because the screens don’t change for a long time. “We’ll be here all night,” Taewoong comments. “It’s already close to 3am.”

Even announcing that the trainees “will be revealed now” doesn’t actually mean they are and Jinwoo groans and holds his stomach. “I’m feeling anxious again because they’re making us wait so long. If I was one of their national producers I’d be throwing up right now.”

Jinwoo gets very close to thinking he might throw up when the screens finally change, and the results don’t seem to match anyone’s expectations. Jaehan slaps his arm. “No Samuel, no Samuel.”

Kang Dongho, Kim Jonghyun, Jeong Sewoon, and Ha Sungwoon have appeared on screen and Jinwoo’s jaw drops a bit. The screams in the venue indicate there’s some surprise among the national producers, and the screams are apparently drowning out Representative BoA’s voice as she tries to ask the candidates questions about how they feel but they can’t hear her very well.

“I think it’s going to be Jonghyun,” Taewoong whispers. “He has so much popularity.”

“There are a lot of rappers though,” Jinwoo replies. “I think it might be someone with a stronger vocal.”

“But there’s Jaehwan too,” Jaehan points out. “Maybe Sewoon? He had a lot of stability in his ranks.”

Representative BoA announces that they’ll announce the ranks starting at fourteenth and Jinwoo somehow feels more tense now than when he was waiting for Jisung and Daniel to be called. Compounded with knowing they’re going to wait an eternity to actually hear the rankings, Jinwoo can feel his stomach tying itself up in knots.

“Pledis.”

There are screams from the crowd because it’s certainly a shock, and it only grows when Representative BoA calls out Kim Jonghyun, who remains composed as the others hug him. Across the venue, Jinwoo can see one of the Pledis girls from IOI dropping her head on her table, also clearly in shock.

They continue on to the thirteenth rank and the air is full of tension again. Representative BoA seems to hesitate before reading out the name, but all the same it’s Pledis’ Kang Dongho at thirteenth place.

“Now I really can’t predict this,” Taewoong says running his hands through his hair. “I really have no clue now.”

The screens change to show eleventh place. Jinwoo really can’t hazard a guess either in a vocal to vocal match up. Jinwoo thinks it could Sungwoon because he had some momentum from the last ranking, but it even so it would mean he dropped significantly from third to eleventh or twelfth. Sewoon on the other hand had always ranked rather consistently, but Jinwoo had read some national producers thought he didn’t necessarily fit in an idol group and was more well suited to be a solo artist, and yet he had always digested the evaluation concepts well, so Jinwoo thinks it might as well be a coin toss for the final place.

When Representative BoA says that eleventh place will be announced in a moment, Jinwoo kind of wants to scream.

“Please don’t drag this out any longer,” Jinwoo groans as Representative BoA announces the final debuting member’s votes.

Jinwoo isn’t sure if it could be called a twist ending, but eleventh place is Ardor and Able’s Ha Sungwoon, and after getting crowded by everyone on the platform he runs down the path to the stage. (In the stands, another crowd has gathered around Noh Taehyun, who is crying much harder than Sungwoon.)

And like that, all the members to debut have been confirmed, as Sungwoon greets the national producers and gives his thanks and runs up the pyramid to embrace the others. The people on the sides start milling about and embracing each other before Representative BoA asks Sewoon to share his thoughts after just barely missing debut. Sewoon speaks well, and says that he’s thankful and happy to have been able to grow a lot and meet a lot of friends. Representative BoA smiles fondly as she tells them all she hopes they’ll continue running towards their dreams so they might all meet on the same stage again.

Daniel stands at the top of the pyramid - their beautiful radiant maknae, the nation’s center, Wanna One’s center - and leads the members of the freshly minted nation’s boy group in a greeting to the national producers and to the country and Jinwoo’s heart is going to burst with pride and affection for Daniel and Jisung.

And then it’s really over as the remaining trainees come down from the platform and embrace one another, and the Wanna One members come down from the pyramid as confetti begins pouring down from the ceiling. They all converge on the stage, Taewoong craning his neck to try to find Jisung and Daniel in the mob of people and clouds of confetti as they make their way through, stopping to hug people on the way, squeezing them warmly, hoping to see them again soon. Jinwoo sees a lot of them crying, finally letting go of the tears they must have been holding in for hours on this stage, or maybe even holding them in for the past hundred days of filming, and he knows that feeling, that strange sense of relief that only comes from the end of something as magnanimous as this. Jinwoo can see Jisung rocketing around, crying and embracing everyone he comes across, and Jinwoo smiles fondly at him.

They finally get a chance to embrace Jisung, when Jisung is hugging Seonho, and Jinwoo envelops them both in a hug before being joined by the others. They link arms as all of the trainees bow to the audience before getting herded backstage so the crew can start disassembling the stage. They don’t catch Daniel onstage because he’s always hugging someone else, or talking into a camera, of course, he’s the center, they want to know what’s on his mind.

The three of them wait in the hall, Jinwoo’s head is starting to pound a little from the fatigue. They bow to Jisung’s father, who is smiling from ear to ear with his Jisung sign. They see Daniel’s mother too and she gives them all hugs. “You worked so hard,” she says to them. “Thank you for taking care of my son.”

“It’s our pleasure,” Jinwoo says to her.

They linger out in the hall, chatting with people as they pass by. Jinwoo starts to yawn, but he smiles when he sees Daniel ambling down the hall with a big grin on his face. He grasps their hands with that big grin and they don’t even need words to express their pride. Instead, Taewoong points down the hall. “Your mom is there.”

Daniel’s face lights up. “My mom?” and he dashes down the hall to scoop her up into a big hug. They smile at the two of them and then try to stifle their laughter as Daniel pulls away from his mom and says excitedly, “You smell like the cats!”

It’s well past three in the morning, and they are all well beyond the point of exhaustion, but they finally manage to converge, just the five of them, and they crush each other in a big group hug and Jisung is crying noisily on Taewoong’s shoulder and Jinwoo’s heart might burst from how much he loves them.

He loves them so much.

The next day, they meet for a meal and at first, nothing is different. It’s still the five of them, chattering away as usual. It’s like a normal day until Daniel mentions packing and that’s when they remember. The finale. It wasn’t even yesterday, it ended in the wee hours of this morning, so really, just a few hours ago Jisung and Daniel became members of the nation’s boy group.

Jisung begins to sigh in earnest. Obviously, this has been Jisung’s dream for so many years and it’s finally coming true, but the age gap between him and Wanna One’s maknae is eleven years, and Jisung starts to wonder if he’ll be able to keep up physically with the youngsters. Taewoong laughs and says he’ll just have to, and since this is Jisung’s dream, he might not even notice the exhaustion because he’ll be so happy to be on the stage at all.

Daniel is quiet, so Jaehan takes his hand with a warm smile, and congratulates him again. “Do well, Niel,” he says, and Daniel cracks a relieved smile.

Jinwoo goes with Jisung to help pack up his goshiwon. He looks at the cramped room, buzzing with fruit flies, and thinks about how long Jisung struggled in this room. It doesn’t take long to pack, Jisung’s entire trainee life in a large suitcase, and then - like Jinwoo promised him - Jisung leaves that goshiwon for good.

They go to Taewoong, Jaehan, and Daniel’s apartment to find Daniel in a packing crisis, trying to shove more of his stuffed animals into his suitcase. He smiles sheepishly when he sees Jinwoo and Jisung in the doorway and Taewoong sighs.

“You’re worse than my sister,” Taewoong says as he helps lean on Daniel’s suitcase so he can zip it shut.

It is so strange, to be waiting for the company car and knowing that Jisung and Daniel will be gone for eighteen months, that this might be the last time in a long time they can have Jisung and Daniel all to themselves. But it’s worth it, to see them reach their dreams, putting their own feelings of envy aside, because they’re brothers who suffered together for a long time. Because even if right now, their future isn’t as sure, they know Jisung and Daniel are coming back to them, and there’s going to be something on the other side. They might not have a debut as grand as Wanna One’s, but they’ll be together. So they squeeze each other tightly when they’re hugging each other and saying their goodbyes, and Jinwoo knows that they’ll be waiting for Jisung and Daniel to come back to them.

He doesn’t know what the next eighteen months have in store for them, but he knows that these are the four people he loves the most - Jisung and Taewoong and Jaehan and Daniel - and Jinwoo would move heaven and earth for each of them to be happy and he knows their happiness is worth the wait.