Chapter Text
My name is Will Graham. I am drawing a simple clock. Just like every other clock.
I of course know all about clocks and this test is stupid. But I humor my psychiatrist Hannibal and draw it again for the hundredth time. I don't know how many of these damn things I'm going to have to do. He takes it, looks at it, says nothing and tucks it away. I ask him what the results mean? He just gives a placating smile. He's told me before the same things, but they don't mean much do they? Psychiatrist speak, many words that say nothing.
After wards he walks me to my car. I know I am worryingly unsteady, "not normal," which is why he is walking me to my car. Electric shoots inside of me with each foot fall. Finally i reach the car. He touches my shoulder as he helps me in my car. He shouldn't do that. His soft warm fingers grazing me through my shirt, jolting me. I don't like when people touch me normally. With him I don't know. I get in the car but still he lingers over me, like a great stone. I stare at his mouth as it tightens into a frown. I swear he is about to say something. But no, he just says goodbye politely and disappears, walking off, his shadowy silhouette trailing away. Leaving a vacuum of space behind where he just was. It is very quiet out here. Suddenly I'm aware of being very alone. I swallow thickly, pushing away my feelings as turn the key in the car, bringing it to life.
I drive down the highway. But I feel very weary from the day. My car streaks across the yellow line and i push the steering wheel till it glides back. That happens more then once. I am even more tired then I thought. Maybe that was what he was going to say, that I shouldn't be driving, and he would drive me home instead? That's silly. Why would I think that? My eyes shutter closed and then back open, as the long stretching road seems to uncoil endless ahead, and endless behind as if I had been driving forever and still had forever to go, an eternal snake that never ends, an oroboros. And then the edges of a dream form inside, something beautiful underneath the lids, I snatch pieces of it. Something black, like a key or something, I can't tell. I snap my eyes awake and veer my steering wheel back to center, as my car whips around trying to keep balanced. I drop my foot on the pedal with a sharp screeeech sound. It stops just in time. A stag is there, inches in front of the vehicle. I am choking and my breath lost in great gusts. When I calm down I get out of the car to see it's still there. So still. I am taken aback by it's strong posture, and it's great branching antlers twisting up into the sky. Then I notice it's large brown eyes filled with soul, almost like a humans, or something even more staring right back into me.
I creep up to it, reaching a shaking hand out to it. But in a quick second it leaps and it's gone. I think about running after it, but soon it's lost in the thickets. I look that way for a while wondering if by chance it will it to come back, or if it really was there to begin with. Or perhaps I'm just even more tired then I had thought before.
I crawl back to the car, too drained to get to my feet. And somehow drive the rest of the way home.
All that night I go in and out of sleep and waking. Till the concept of time is lost. And I realize I am lost. I feel in this great blankness that time has lost it's meaning for me, day or night, that and places too, whiteness stretches out blotching out all the things I felt I knew. Replacing the internal places with a new view. Which is engulfing nothingness.
How long can a person live in a vacuum before they are irreparably changed? What person will I be when the dust clears? Will I still be me after all of this is said and done, or someone else?
I am in Jacks office now. He is pacing before me. He doesn't look pleased. Please don't show me a body. Please, let it be a normal day. I mentally whisper. "Will I need you to come with me."
"Not a crime scene?"
"Please prepare yourself."
~
Will can hear the melody of Alana's angry trill in the other room speaking to Jack. It soothes him. Will has got her rhythm down, and is following along.
"Where was he for the last 24 hours?" says Alana.
"I told you already, I don't know."
"That isn't good enough. Will is suffering, can't you see that?" Jack shakes his head. his brows creased considering.
"I don't think he is well enough to keep doing this."
"Hannibal has said that he's fine. I'm going to trust in his doctor."
"I don't know, I don't understand it, Hannibal's beyond competent. But I just feel in my gut something is wrong in all this."
"And I will consider your thoughts on this."
~
Jack opens the room, light spills in from the hall.
"Do you know where you are?" He says in a warm voice.
Will nods quickly. "I am in your office."
"Yes that's right. And do you know where you went yesterday after work?"
"I went home and slept."
"No Alana drove by last night to check on you, you never arrived home."
Will looks back confused.
"Where's Hannibal? I want to talk to Hannibal. It's my appointment date isn't it?" Will whines pathetically.
"Hannibal had to cancel this week to deal with some family matter. He will see you as soon as he can."
"No, he made this appointment for me. I need to speak to him!"
"Just rest a little while ok. We aren't going to look at any bodies today. So just close your eyes and rest"
"No? But you need me I thought."
"Don't worry about it. We can work on it another time."
"But.. I can't help it, it doesn't make sense, another day can mean more victims."
Will reluctantly obeys closes his eyes tiredly, feeling the ache of exhaustion taking over but he still hears Jack's voice above him still talking to him, telling him in to rest. it will do him good. Will tries and nods to Jack agreeing with him, somewhere deep within his shell but is unable to quite get that message to the body to shake his head. Then Jacks warm parental voice turns into silence. A dead body comes into focus, blueish skin and brown on the clothes, rotting in front him, wide eyes staring wild back at him. Will can feel himself breathing faster and faster.