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Seungcheol stood in a room that seemed to have white walls, with a few paintings on them. Or maybe they were posters. Truth is, Seungcheol couldn’t really tell. He simply stood there, finding his surroundings to be unfamiliar.
He wasn’t sure how to describe the sounds echoing in the room, but if he truly had to, he would describe it as people rushing in and out of rooms.
If it hadn’t been for the sudden change of scenery, Seungcheol would’ve believed it to be completely real.
But now that he was comfortably sitting in the passenger seat of a car, merely seconds after he had been standing in that room, he knew it couldn’t be real.
He found himself talking casually to the person sitting behind the wheel, but he realized he wasn’t able to recognize whoever it was that sat there next to him, driving. One thing he was sure of though, was that it was a boy.
Seungcheol was so focused on trying to give the stranger an identity, that he didn’t notice the car had picked up its speed. It was only when they had gone over 50 miles per hour that he realized something was wrong. He somehow knew that given the road they were on, the speed at which the car was going now was way over the limit.
And yet, as Seungcheol began to start panicking, the boy at the wheel remained completely calm, as if there was nothing wrong with how fast he was driving. They were most definitely going over 65 miles per hour by now. And Seungcheol knew that if he didn’t stop the car soon, it would get harder to brake without causing some sort of accident.
He noticed a speed bump in the distance, but he was a few seconds too late. With the speed the car was going at, Seungcheol and the stranger hit the speeding bump full force, sending the car flying and flipping it over.
Although he tried to brace himself the best he could, he was was still thrown sideways, and to and fro. At this point his heart had been beating so fast, he wasn’t sure he could feel it anymore.
Before the car even got the chance to crash on the ground, Seungcheol woke up in his bed, feeling like he had just run a marathon. In order to help himself calm down, he sat up and leaned against his headboard, taking in deep breaths and exhaling.
As Seungcheol replayed it in his mind, he remembered more details of the nightmare. Like how the road was a small one, surrounded by hundreds of trees, similar to the road just outside of town but not quite the same. Or how the boy’s hair seemed to be bright pink one minute and washed-out peach the next.
There was no doubt in his mind that this was yet another nightmare related to the accident. And though he grew tired of the constant reminder that even occurred in his dreams, he did believe that he deserved it for everything he’d done.
He could never imagine how much more painful and unforgettable the memory must have been for Lee Jihoon’s family and friends.
No words could describe how much he hated himself for taking the wheel that night. The visibility was bad enough in that part of town, and to make matters worse it had been so cold that week that there had been bits and pieces of black ice all over the roads. Yet he still decided to drive.
He was only nineteen years old and he had barely gotten his driver’s licence. He had even convinced his best friend and roommate, Jisoo, to come with. While Jisoo on the other hand, was a bit reluctant to be on the road this late, knowing the roads were covered with black ice. And yet, Seungcheol still decided to drive.
Trying to remember every single thing that had happened that was a real challenge for Seungcheol. The first time he had to tell someone about the accident, he was still shaken up from it and he never tore his eyes away from the police officer’s face, as if to make sure he wasn’t in big trouble.
But that had been before finding out about someone dying in the accident. Once he realized what the accident has caused, and what the family of the deceased would be going through, it was like every part of the memory became foggy.
And the only way he did remember anything from that night was through the countless times he had to report it.
Ironically, he perfectly remembered the moment Jihoon’s family came in the hospital, only to find out that it was too late. He remembered how unsettling and heartbreaking his mother’s cries were, and if he hadn’t already been crying, he’d have burst into tears right then.
He also remembered Jisoo staring into the void, barely talking for a few hours after the accident and staying completely silent after hearing about the other driver’s death. But despite having been involved in the accident because of Seungcheol, Jisoo still stood by his best friend.
Even though he was in pain, both physically and mentally, it was still somewhat okay... because he had his best friend, Jisoo and his boyfriend, Jeonghan. They both supported him and comforted him when he needed it most, even now.
However, it only lasted for about seven months. Although Jeonghan did stay by his side, after seven long months of Seungcheol trying to accept that he couldn’t change what had happened and blaming it on himself, Jisoo decided to move out and break off all ties with the man he’d once called his best friend.
Seungcheol had tried his best not to break down and cry in front of Jisoo, but as soon as he gave him a reason for moving out, Seungcheol knew he’d most likely never see him again.
“It was hard enough to try and pretend nothing had happened, but you’re a constant reminder that we both almost died because of you,” Jisoo told him that day.
He’s right , Seungcheol thought. Even today he couldn’t live with himself because whatever he did, it reminded himself of the accident. He couldn’t blame his best friend- no… his ex-best friend, for looking at him and thinking that he reminded him too much of an accident that he caused, that almost cost them their life.
There was no way he would’ve made it on his own if Jeonghan hadn’t stayed with him all these months. He was grateful he had met Jeonghan all those years ago. He’d fallen in love with him because of how considerate of others and kind he had found Jeonghan to be. And seeing him stick with him through his worst moments had somehow made Seungcheol fall in love with Jeonghan even more, despite all the pain and hatred he felt.
The sound of his front door opening snapped him out of his train of thoughts. He was still sitting in his bed, against the headboard. He got off his bed and made his way to the door to greet the person who had just gotten into his apartment.
“Cheol?” a familiar voice called from the living room. It was Jeonghan. Of course it couldn’t be anyone else, as his only roommate had left him and no one else had the keys to his apartment. Yet he still found it reassuring to hear his boyfriend’s voice call for him.
Reaching the living room, Seungcheol was met with Jeonghan’s relieved features, probably because he didn’t find his boyfriend curled up in his bed and in the dark. Seungcheol didn’t find it in him to smile, even though he did feel happy to see the face of the man he loved so much, so instead, he went in for a hug.
“Oh.” Jeonghan had expected an embrace but not this tight. There was something about the way Seungcheol wrapped his arms around him that tipped him off. He probably had a nightmare again , he thought.
Seungcheol buried his face in his boyfriend’s chest as he felt Jeonghan’s embrace tightening. They stayed like that for about a minute before Jeonghan asked, “Do you wanna talk about it?” Seungcheol managed to shake his head, without letting go. “No, but it’s okay. I’m gonna be okay.”