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Life can be tactic and overwhelming sometimes. But today, she can’t help but feel happy. The portfolio that she submitted to the art museum was accepted, and now all she has to do is think about the logistics behind it. But that’s for later. Today, all she is about to do is enjoy the moment and celebrate with her friends.
Right now, all she feels is a buzz of happiness. She even teared a bit from her Joy. It’s actually happening! Her work will be on display for everyone to see. She can’t be happier!
Literally, she can’t. Because leave it to life, scratch that, leave it to her mother to say something and ruin her mood.
She tried calling her mother the moment she got the news, but she couldn’t reach her back then. Her mother is a busy doctor, and she gets it. So she tries to call her mother again now that few hours have passed. She simply wants to share her happiness with her mom.
“Mmmhhmm. Okay. So?”
“I just wanted you to know.”
“Is that the path you’re choosing? that is really what you want! Really?!!” With disappointment clear in her voice.
“I am sorry. I just wanted to share the news. Make you happy.”
“What does that suppose to mean? What does it even have to do with me?”
“You are right. I get it. I am sorry.”
It hurts, it really hurts. When the person that is suppose to love you the most, have this strange way of showing it. She knows her mother loves her, she does. But sometimes, it’s really hard to believe it. She gets it, she is a bit of a disappointment to her mother. She can never live up to her mother’s expectations and make her proud. It’s simply different. She needs to constantly remind herself that just because they don’t agree on stuff, that their view on what’s good and what isn’t, that doesn’t mean her mother doesn’t love her.
She sobs. And she hate those tears that start running. She knows that her mother loves her. She needs to move on. Just because she doesn’t share the same views in life with her mother that doesn’t mean anything. Oh to hell. People say cut the people that keep hurting you out of your life. But what if the person that keeps hurting you is someone you love. Someone you can’t get rid of. Someone, you don’t want to get rid of.
She’ve heard once that happiness comes from within. That you shouldn’t wait for an outside factor to make you happy. That you shouldn’t give anyone the power to hurt you. But oh it is hard.
At least She knows her mother doesn’t want to hurt her. She knows that in her own way, her mother was trying to protect her from the world. Yes, it’s not what she wants nor what she needs. But she knows that her mother never intended on hurting her. Her mother loves her.
That pulls her into thinking about the people she’ve hurt. People she actually got out of her way to hurt... Bellamy. Oh God. At least her mother wasn’t intending on running her mood.....But when Clarke did it, She was planning on ruining Bellamy’s. She got out of her way to hurt him. She didn’t care that it was almost his birthday nor that he was super happy for having Octavia in town for few days. No, she went in, not carrying at all, and dumped all that shit on him. What hurts most, is that she did it without a single care. She new that no matter what he will never get out of her life. Hell, if she was in his place she would have cut her out of her life. And never exchange any other word with her. But she knows he isn’t her. And it hurts more. It hurts even more knowing that she never apologized. Hell, two years have passed and she never even got out of her asshole shell to do it. And guess what, he is still on her side. He never stopped looking out for her.. Never stopped carrying. But she did. She did for a while.
With that, Her tears keep drifting, and her breath becames shallower.
She was and still is an idiot. She kept convincing herself that she was right. that he didn’t have the right to talk about her behind her back. That he didn’t have the right to question her relationship when it had nothing to do with him. Just because he knew some things, that it didn’t give him the right to voice them. He didn’t have the right to talk about her relationship behind her back. To discuss whether she seems happy in it with her other friends. For God sake, she definitely wasn’t happy. and he was simply being his caring self. He was concerned and didn’t know what to do. But leave it for her to twist everything in her mind. And the moment her relationship ended, she started sabotaging everything with him.. as if he was the reason her relationship didn’t work, as if he was the real problem.
And She sobs again.
The problem is that she didn’t care that much about the relationship. Not at that point. She was the person to end it after all. Finn used to mentally abuse her constantly. The days he made her cry were more than the days that he put a smile on her face. But she loved him. So the night she decided to pull out the plug, she wasn’t having it. she was hurting. And somehow her twisted mind decided to use Bellamy as her punching bag. He was the one who made her question her relationship. And he didn’t have the right to. And he deserved to be hurting because he is the reason for all of this. Not Finn. Not her. No it was him. And believe it or not, her mind made her believe it. And she hate herself for that.
She reached out for her phone and her sobbes became stronger.
Bell,
I don’t know what to say, because I know whatever I say won’t be enough. I am here, and I am very late. More than two years late. And I am sorry. I am sorry for taking this long to get over my narcissistic self and come to apologize. I am very genuinely sorry. I am sorry for all that I’ve done to you. Sorry for being a an ass. Sorry for ruining out your mood. I am really sorry for how long it lasts. I am Sorry for hurting you, when it had nothing to do with you at all. Sorry for taking me too long to even apologize at all. I am Sorry for being an asshole.. Sorry for being jerk... And sorry for being me, that really annoying prick.
All the love,
C
She doesn’t know why she structure it like that. She really doesn’t. But with all the tears she’s fighting, she sends the text, silence her phone and throw it to the side immediately as she starts sobbing again.
She doesn’t know how long it takes her. But she checks her screen again, and she doesn’t have new notifications. She tries not to check if he read it or not as much as she tries to fight her tears. Though she’s not good at it. Because she sees the two blue ticks, indicating that he already read her text. And her tears drift again. She hate herself more at that moment. She hate how she wants him to respond. She hate how much she wants to feel better. When really, she doesn’t deserve it. Not at all. He had the right to ignore her text, to not forgive her. Just like she ignored the much deserved apology for this long. The only difference, she doesn’t deserve his forgiveness.
She decides on deleting his chat. That way it won’t be staring knowingly at her. She jumps into the shower, hopping that the steaming hot water will ease her guilt out. But it doesn’t. It only makes her cry more. Until she can’t cry at all.
She jumps out of the shower, and starts getting ready. She is supposed to meet her friends in the bar in few minutes to celebrate her portfolio acceptance. She isn’t feeling it anymore. Her tears don’t completely stop, but the breaks in between each crying session are increasing. She’s got this. She will see Bellamy with the rest of her friends tonight. And she has to be okay. That is the least she can do. Act normal. He doesn’t deserve her shit.
She stares into herself in the mirror. Add some powder to hide the puffiness of her eyes. And silently thanks the universe for the existence of water proof mascara. She takes a deep breath as she grabs her phone. Her heart beats are racing. She looks at the screen and all of a sudden everything stops. She got a message as well as a miss-call. It becomes harder to breath as she starts clicking on his text. She starts reading.
Sweetheart,
Oh please, princess. Don’t you ever insult yourself. Don’t you even dare. You know you mean the world to me. You better know I care. You know I forgave you long ago. Oh really dear, I swear. It hurts you’re even thinking about it. It really hurts that you’re hurting... Because of me. That is really not fair.
Yours truly,
B
And now she’s crying again. With a completely different cry. She is relived! Even happy might she add. She is genuinely happy. He has always been nice to her, but somehow, she never expected this much sweetness. He is the best.
She tries to respond to his text. But she doesn’t know how to. What could she say to let him know how she’s feeling. She really can’t.
She decides on going with a simple heart emoji. That’s it. And immediately once she sends it her phone rings. It’s him.
He says immediately once she answers. “Open the door.”
“What?”
“The door to your apartment, open it.”
“‘Kay.”
And once the door opens, he stands there staring into her face with a concerned look. She runs into him hugging him suddenly and burying her face into his chest. He hugs her back tightly and whisper.
“You made me worry.”
She takes her face off his chest and stares into his eyes as she whispers “sorry”.
He cups her face with his hand and starts brushing his thumb on her cheek.
“Don’t.”
She grabs his other hand and starts dragging him into her apartment to close the door.
She looks into his eyes again and whispers. “No, I am sorry for everything.” She force a smile. “Really, Bell”.
He smiles back and starts brushing her knuckles.
“I’ve never held it against you.”
She raised an eyebrow questioning.
“Really!” He answers. “I understood what you were going through. I even forgot all about it long time ago.”
She bites her lower lip trying to suppress a cry.
“Come here.” He says trying to get her into a hug.
She rest her face into his chest and starts crying again.
He massage her head with one hand as he holds her tightly with the other.
“What’s wrong Clarke?”
“Nothing.”
“Really? ‘Cause last I saw you, two days ago, you were alright. You weren’t thinking about Finn.”
“I am not thinking about Finn, Bell. I am thinking about how I hurt you.”
“And why is that on your mind right now?”
She buries her head into his chest even more and says with a tear.
“Because I don’t want you to hate me.”
He grabs her chin and raise it with one hand while still holding her tight with the other.
“Hey, look at me.”
She looks onto his eye and a single tear slip.
“I will never hate you. Never did either.”
“Not even a little?”
“Not even for a split second, sweetie.”
She laughs and returns her head to his chest.
“Why are you so nice to me?”
He laughs back and whispers.
“Maybe because you mean the world to me.”
She laughs and says “Just maybe?”
He giggles and says “Yah, is that not enough for you?”
She fights a laugh. “Definitely not”
“Good then” and he smirks.
“Maybe you mean the world to me too!” She says.
He hugs her tighter and his grin is clearly growing.
“Is that our version of I like like you?” He asks.
“Definitely” she answers.
And things couldn’t get any better that moment.