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He did it.
All the sleepless nights, all the sleep-deprived days, all the broken naps that kept him going just one step more led him here. He did it, made it, reached it. What happened now?
He didn’t meet them on the landing pad. They knew their way around the compound already and he heard from Friday that Natasha arrived three days ago, she would be there. Instead, he locked the lab and began to take care of the SI project he been procrastinated since he came back from Siberia.
Pepper hadn’t pushed for the last five months, had been over with food and coffee asking him to just sign and she would fix it. She could handle the board, just do what you have to do and then come back at the end of the year. He loved her for it, there was a reason she stayed all these years, though fights and deaths and breakups. Why Tony hadn’t pushed her away.
Rhodey had taken Tony’s obsession for the leg braises for what it was, letting his best friend and little brother call him at the weirdest hours asking the weirdest questions. There was a reason Tony would do anything for him, even work himself to the ground.
So, when the worst was over when Tony had made sure that the Accords was mended, that the new Avengers could come home, that Rhodey would, kinda, walk again, that Peter would be better than he ever could imagine himself becoming, he was lost.
Anger had driven him, heartbreak, betrayal a bruised heart, and then sadness. If he could make Rhodey walk he would stop feeling guilty. If he could make sure Peter was safe he would be happy. If he just could do… It never ended he realised. Watching the broken suit at the corner of the lab. He hadn’t flown since the last time he saw Steve.
Steve. The only way to not break, to fall apart, was to shut down.
He made it. This was enough. Enough for now.
-:-
“Tony?”
He looked up at Peter who came sneaking into his lab, a sandwich in hand and backpack over his shoulder.
“Since when are they back?” He demanded when he noticed that the older man had noticed him. Placing the sandwich daringly in front of Tony, on top of the 3D projection, making it disfigured.
“Three days.” Tony picked it up and nodded his thanks, noticing the relief on Peters' face when he started to eat while continuing what he was doing with the other hand. “Why the bitterness?”
Peter gave him an annoyed look and fished out his homework from the backpack, taking a place at one of the empty tables that had become his, the moment the internship turned into a mentorship. Tony ruffled his hair as he passed by to get some blueprints, Peter hid his smile in his physics book.
Tony doesn’t know when their friendship had started, Peter looking out for him as much as the other way around, and Tony can’t express his gratitude for whatever made Peter turn down joining the Avengers, Tony knows he couldn’t trust any of them to have his back.
“So, what they said?” Peter didn’t look up from his book but Tony could tell the answer had his full attention.
“Who?” Peter threw a pen at him. “Nothing.”
“What you mean ‘nothing’?”
“Peter, you’re in a school for advanced learning, if you don’t know what ‘nothing’ means maybe we should look for a regular high school.”
Peter just gave him a levelled look, physics book forgotten, hand in a fist. Tony wondered when he had become so protective. Sighing he threw the paper wrapper in the trash, wiped his mouth and turned fully towards the teen, arms crossed, hip against the counter. Defence position.
“I locked down the lab, they don’t have authority to get onto this floor. I have a private lift up to my suit and my own way out from the compound. They probably don’t know I’m here.”
Peter’s mouth had fallen open, eyes big and amusement written all over the face before he broke down in a giggle, hiding in the crook of his arm.
“Now show me that homework, can’t have you failing. That will look bad on me.”
-:-
Sleep wasn’t something that came naturally, or if it did he dreamt of blue eyes and star marked shields. Waking up with a jolt and spent the rest of the night in a panic attack, body trembling. His chest still hurt sometimes, a phantom pain that would first rob him of his breath and then slowly chill him from within. Had he always been this cold? No, not always.
Sometimes the heat came back, even if just temporarily when he was in a sleep induced moment of bliss. He could feel his body, hugging him close. The few times he actually made it to the bed. He would wake up to the feeling of warmth and love, light and sunshine, and he could have sworn he was back before everything, before broken heart, busied faith and shattered trust. Before Steve had left. Before Steve didn’t choose him.
But most nights he worked, and when his body gave up he fell asleep wherever he was, sitting in a chair, laying on the sofa, Starkpad ever present in hand.
Sometimes when he was alone in the lab he could hear Caps voice in the dark. (Yes.) Sometimes he could see him just in the corner of his eye, shield coming down. He always felt silly afterwards, hiding behind a machine when he realised he was still alone.
He was alone.
-:-
With the first light of the day, when the sun was tickling his senses and slowly drenching his workshop in a golden orange light that made him almost believe the future would be better, that today was the day he would feel something again, something else than this fragile indignity that had made a nest in his chest, came the memories of Aunt Peggy.
These mornings reminded how she would sometimes turn up out of the blue and whisk him away from the manor with Jarvis and spoil him with love and fun until Howard called and demanded them to stop depriving Tony of his education.
How she taught him to fight when he went to MIT because he was a scrawny 15-year-old kid who got beaten up regularly and how she would laugh in delight when he mastered a move. He would remember her perfume and the way she taught him how to dance. Everything was there, in his memories and his thoughts; her voice, her eyes, her smile, her laugh. He remembers it all.
And then he remembered Sharon’s voice, so much like her Aunts, calling him letting him know she passed away in her sleep. The phone call had been short. Please let her funeral be a quiet affair, don’t come.
Instead, he had locked himself in the basement with his father’s old videos of the agent. He drank her favourite whiskey and cried to the sound of her laughter mixed up with Jarvis’.
-:-
“I ran into the arrow guy.” Peter had a coffee with him along with the coffee this time.
“Why do you buy me food? Don’t kids these days have anything better to spend their money on?”
Peter shrugged and sat down by his desk again, ruffling through his backpack.
“Pepper gives me an allowance every month, like wages, cause between school and the internship I don’t have time for a job, she asked if I could buy you food sometimes, and I know you need it so it’s not like it’s much.”
Hu, Pepper. Since when was she Pepper to the boy?
“Since when did you start working for Pepper?” Peter looked up, eyebrows raised in disbelief.
“Since I found you on the floor, passed out and she was the only one I thought of to call.”
Tony looked away, head nodding in shame and focused on the project in front of him. Peter let him and turned towards his history paper that was due tomorrow. It’s not like it’s much.
For Tony it meant everything.
When Peter was done with homework he always joined in, in whatever Tony was working on. He occasionally worked on his own projects and Tony was sure that if the kid wanted to, he could already be at MIT. Peter had become his force of life if he could only make it until the boy finished high school, then. Then he would be happy.
“So, birdbrain, what about him?” Peter looked lost for a little bit, just after he returned to the land of not-his-project, and Tony could sympathise with him.
“Yeah, I met him. He asked who I was and I said I was your intern.” Peter had a wicked smile on his face, hands gesticulating his excitement. “And he didn’t believe me so he tried to grab me, thinking I somehow broken in. But I dodged and made it past him and ran to the lift and Friday opened it, but he grabbed the door and was about to call for help when Friday said with this awesome stony voice ‘I would not do that if I were you, Mr Barton. Peter’s clearance in this compound is higher than yours and you will face serious trouble if you inconvenience him’. It was awesome, you should have seen his face!”
Tony would never admit that he pulled up the feed when Peter gone home for the day, feeling a little satisfied that his two kids had pulled one over the Avengers.
-:-
On days when the pressure became too much, he fired up Barf and spent hours pretending to be somewhere else.
Sometimes it was the tower, it’s view over Manhattan glorified with twinkling lights and a starry night sky. Music was playing and laughter could be heard from the other room, and behind him stood Steve. Arms protective around his hips, nose in his hair, swaying to the music in small, sure movements.
Sometimes they were at Clint’s, kids running around, Peter chasing the small balls of yelling laughter. Clint would sit on the veranda, beer in hand with Laura leaning against him. Somewhere in the house were the others. The sun was warm and the grass so green, woods enchanted. Steve would chop wood even if it wasn’t needed, and Tony would sit on the hood of the tractor, watching the muscles rip and Steve’s shy smile and twinkling eyes when he noticed Tony’s starring.
Sometimes they would be in Malibu, waved crashing under the cliffs, birds singing a love song to the summer. The window would be open, letting in a welcomed breeze through thin white curtains. Steve would slowly push himself into him, whispering sweet nothings into his ears. Promises of eternal love and forever faith.
Those days never ended well.
-:-
He knew he had to face them sooner or later, even if he hoped sooner would be later and later would be after the feeling of betrayal had settled down. He had promised the accords five missions, and when the call came he sent out a suit and jumped in the system Shuri gave him.
It was easy enough, the villain not really all that clever and the Avengers on point when they fought, always weirdly in sync even when they didn’t speak. Hearing his voice had almost sent him into a panic attack. A block of ice sat just behind his rib case, making the hairs on his arms stand up in search of warmth.
It had all gone well until a building started to fall and a group of kids were in the danger zone. Without saying anything Tony steered the suit towards them, managed to get them all out before the suit got buried underneath the rubble. It took a second for him to connect the com to the others after the suit's power had gone down and when he came back on he was met with shouts of his name and cap ordering everyone to start moving the concrete.
“I’m not in the suit, you can come back home.”
He knew he had to meet them for the briefing after that.
This time he waited on the pad, a cup of coffee in one hand, pad in the other. They had all stopped when they noticed him like he was a ghost that they knew existed but never saw. He nodded and made his way quickly to the meeting room, anxiety rushing through his body when he turned his back towards them. Shattered trust reassembled with duct tape.
Steve was the first one in and he took a few quick steps towards Tony but stopped when he saw Tony pressed against a wall, face white and terror in his eyes. They all saw it, his shaking hands and body folding in on himself.
“Tony.” To hear his voice was worse in person. There was a longing that ripped Tony apart and left him open and vulnerable.
He gasped for breath, hoping against hope that they all would miss that. They didn’t. No one looked him in the eye when they sat down around the table. Steve left a seat for him, but when they all were seated he moved towards the door, eyes firmly on a spot just above the captain’s shoulder.
“I have given the accords my notice, five missions they said. They don’t need to know I’m not actually in the suit.” Tony fiddled with the cup, coffee going cold. “Rhodey is back for the Air Force, he won’t be joining you. After these five missions, I’ll be gone from the compound, returning to SI, taking back the position of CEO. I hope you all respect my wish to be left alone. If you need anything fixed, leave it outside the elevator and my intern will pick it up.”
He turned to leave when Clint’s voice rang out.
“We should look for a replacement, cap. What about that spider kid?”
It was like a fiery range that rose within him, his brain went blank for feeling something else suddenly after long months of empty cold abandonment, and before he registered what he did he had Clint’s face pressed against the table, cup smashed on the floor.
“If you so much as breath in that kid’s direction, Barton, so help me you won’t be able to fire your precious bow again.”
He left with his Starkpad before any of them had regained their postures.
-:-
He had ended up in a park bench in the early hours of the morning. The stars were still out, and something about the moon made Tony brain able to go over the mathematics of his 3D hologram scanner that he was working on. His chest had woken him up, pain flaring in a crescent shape over his solar plexus and dreams of cold blue eyes kept him from trying to go back to sleep.
A twig broke behind him and he whipped around, dread pooled in his belly when Steve stepped into the moonlight. It played like glitter in his hair, making him look better than he ever done. Tony barely noticed he had stood up, creating even more space between them. Steve’s face was sad and his hand were out in a calming gesture.
“Hey, I won’t hurt you.” He spoke like you speak to a scared dog, calm and sure. Tony hated it.
He sat down again, not fully turning away from Steve, not really letting him go with his eyes. Steve circled the bench, keeping a small distance before he slowly, step by step, came closer and sat down on the other side. Tony’s body was taut, ready to bolt any minutes. Steve didn’t say anything, didn’t look at him, but his shoulders were slumped and his hands were shaking.
Tony slowly turned his attention towards the equation again, but his mind was solely focused on the soldier a few feet away from him.
“You’re really leaving.” Steve’s voice was barely a whisper, Tony’s silence was answer enough. “We need you, Tony.”
We need you, cap.
If he only knew how long Tony had waited for those words. When he had spent nights dreaming of a smiling captain who hugged him and spoke just those four words. If he only knew how late those words really were. So late they turned sour in Tony’s mouth.
“No, you don’t.” Steve looked surprised that he answered and Tony flinched when the blue eyes of his dreams, good and bad, turned towards him.
“Tony that’s not true!” Desperate.
An uncomfortable air hung over them in the silence, Steve’s frustration over not knowing what to do creating a heavier and heavier atmosphere. Tony felt the anxiety rise within him, heart beating, blood rushing.
“How would I ever be able to trust any of you, ever again?”
And it felt good, saying those words out loud. Giving them life in the night, shining in the moonlight like the stars just above them. He saw the recoil of Steve’s body, in on himself, like he was protecting his heart. Tony felt a bitter anger consume him, what right did Steve have for protecting his heart when he broke Tony’s.
“I’m sorry, Tony.” A sob, the mighty captain was crying and Tony could only feel disgusted. “I’m so, so sorry!”
“Sorry isn’t enough, Steve.” He took a breath when the blue eyes met his, “I loved you, and you wrecked me.”
He left his broken heart on the bench, he didn’t need it anymore.
-:-
The five missions had come and gone. It had been stumbling words of apologies that Tony barely remembered, but Steve’s eyes followed him everywhere. His dreams were now full of blue eyes that ripped his soul apart, a traitorous part of him still loved the super soldier, filled him with agony and shaky limbs.
When their eyes met, time stood still. Last meetings were filled with handshakes for the public and Steve’s hands were always so gentle on him, in his hands, on his back. Making Tony shiver and freeze at the same time. Heart tearing in his chest.
Then the last day at the compound came, his lab and workshop all cleared out, shipped with his living quarters and personal belongings to the Stark Mansion he hadn’t visited in years. Ironic that the place he tried to escape for so long became his sanctuary. Peter was already there, setting up the equipment he knew how to handle, and with Friday's help, to start on the others. The Avengers were all standing in a semicircle behind his car, almost like the crescent Tony saw in his dreams. On his chest.
He met Natasha’s eyes, he never seen her cry before, large silent tears now painted her cheeks. Clint still didn’t look at him and Sam’s eyes were stuck on the captains back. The rest in a united state of uncertainty. Vision had given him a hug, he would visit. Tony doesn’t know if that was anything he wanted. Steve stood just in front of him, a small letter in his hand that he places on the trunk of the car.
“Please read it when all this is but a distant memory when you can face us again without feeling tormented. It’s from all of us.” Tony looked at it and put it in his pocket before he could rip it to pieces in front of him. “Drive safe.”
Tony gave a nod before opening the door.
“I love you.” Steve’s word shot through him like a lightning, making his heart jump and hands tingle. Taking a breath, he turned towards him, the man he ever wanted, the man he always loved.
“I love you too,” He said, watching Steve’s face light up.
Selfishly he soaked up the image of sunshine smile and bright starry blue eyes. The smile of affection was his, the look of love was his, the body vibrating with happiness and pride was his. He loved this man, so much it hurt.
Somewhere, in another lifetime, they spent infinite moments of impossible together. In the sunlight, in the moonlight, under the stars and over the city light.
“But that’s not enough, anymore.”