Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and all other associated people in a list that's probably longer than the comic itself. This version is made for accessibility purposes, so more people can enjoy the comic more thoroughly.

Text transcription provided by the lovely people or person behind readmspa.org. Image Descriptions provided by Tevye Linsey.

Please enjoy.

Homestuck

Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays

[Image description: A boy with square glasses and the image of a green slime creature on his shirt stands in front of a door, looking around. On the door is a poster with a stylized green house and the words ' sburb beta'. To the boy's left is a dresser with a cake, a rolled-up poster, and a small note card. To his right is the edge of a bed

Note: Because of the style of the drawing, it appears that the boy has no arms]

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

Enter name.

[Image description: It zooms in on the boy's face and a text box appears above his head. It types]

Zoo smell Poop lord

[Image description: The boy makes an irritated expression and the words
Try again, smartass
appear in red]

Try again.

[Image description: it types
John Egbert
A green check mark appears and the boy, John, smiles]

Examine room.

[Image description: The rest of the room appears. There are 5 posters on the wall for Con-Air, Ghostbusters, Mac and Me, Deep Impact, and one poster with an image of a cartoon man smoking a cigarette, along with a calendar for April. Part of a tree is visible through a window. There is a computer desk in the corner with a computer and a magazine on it and a cd rack next to it. There is also a toy chest decorated with stars and moons with a cake on top. On the floor next to the chest are a hammer and nails.]

Your name is John. As was previously mentioned it is your birthday. A number of cakes are scattered about your room. You have a variety of interests. You have a passion for really terrible movies. You like to program computers but you are not very good at it. You have a fondness for paranormal lore, and are an aspiring amateur magician. You also like to play games sometimes.

What will you do?

John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.

[Image description: John stands by the dresser with an irritated expression on his face. A thought bubble is over his head with an image of the toy chest flashing in it]

Your arms are in your magic chest, poop lord!

Remove cake from magic chest.

[Image description: John stands near the chest. A large cursor appears to select the cake and drag it away]

Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the cake for him and put it on his bed.

John: quickly retrieve arms from magic chest.

[Image description: John holds the fake arms using his real ones, which he apparently has, though they weren't drawn. The chest is now open, there are many items inside]

You retrieve your fake arms from the chest. You use these for hilarious antics.

[Image description: A pink rectangular card appears in the corner. On it, in a smaller white rectangular shape, are 2 arms. The card reads 'captchalogue x2']

You captchalogue them in your sylladex. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest.

John: examine contents of chest.

[Image description: The following items are now on screen with the captchalogue card.
Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery, a large, thick book with a whimsical font
Harry Anderson's 'Wise Guy', a green book with a man from the 50's on the cover
A pair of handcuffs
3 small purple capsules
A pair of glasses with a fake nose attached
4 small red capsules
A wizard hat
A sword]

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical artifacts, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a skilled magician or a cunning prankster.

You are neither of these things.

Among the artifacts are: two fake arms [currently captchalogued in your sylladex], one pair of trick handcuffs, one stunt sword, one magician's hat, one pair of beagle puss glasses, several smoke pellets, several blood capsules, and one copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery, and one copy of Harry Anderson's "Wise Guy", by Mike Caveney.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the smoke pellets.

John: captchalogue smoke pellets.

[Image description: A second pink captchalogue card appears, blocking the image on the first. On the new card are the 3 small purple capsules, the smoke pellets. At the bottom of the screen, a pink band labeled 'sylladex::captchalogue deck' comes up with 4 captchalogue cards. In the first are the arms, then the smoke pellets appear in the first slot and the arms move to the second card]

You stow the smoke pellets on one of your captchalogue cards in your sylladex.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty captchalogue cards remaining.

John: equip fake arms.

[Image description: A large red X appears over the arms in the captchalogue card]

You aren't totally sure if "equip" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the fake arms! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the smoke pellets. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your sylladex's fetch modus is currently dictated by the logic of a stack data structure. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical fetch modi for your sylladex with a little more experience.

John: examine Problem Sleuth poster.

[Image description: The poster with the image of a man smoking is now on screen]

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

[Note: The previous sentence is also a link to the author's Topatco shop where this poster is for sale. It's a not-so-subtle hint to give him your money]

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.

John: read note on drawer.

[Image Description: the note reads
Happy birthday son.
I am so proud of you.]

This note is rich with the aromas of fatherly aftershaves and colognes.

Beside the note is a rolled up poster.

John: take poster.

[Image description: The captchalogue cards and deck reappear. The poster takes the first slot, bumping the arms to the third slot and the smoke pellets to the second]

Another birthday artifact. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.

John: acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy.

You first place the hammer into your sylladex.

But now all of your captchalogue cards are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the nails?

You guess it doesn't hurt to try.

John: take nails.

You captchalogue four nails into the top card, and push all the artifacts down a card.

The fake arms are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the smoke pellets and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

John: squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

[Image description: John holds his head and looks frustrated, then looks towards his computer desk]

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!

Stupid stupid stupid.

And yet the polished surface of your desk….
It beckons.

John: combine the nails and hammer.

You merge the top two cards.

The hammer and nails are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.

[Image description: The poster moves to the second slot and the smoke pellets to the third, leaving the fourth slot open]

John: use hammer/nails on poster.

You use the hammer and nails card in conjunction with the card beneath it.

[Image description: the cursor reappears and clicks the hammer/nails card and the poster card. Both of them come out of the stack]

John: nail poster to wall.

[Image description: the cursor hovers over an open space on the wall, which has a flashing green outline. The two cards begin flashing pink and green]

You use the hammer, nails, and poster on the blank space on the wall.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.

John: examine Con-Air poster.

[Image description: the poster reads
The most dangerous criminals in the world are about to take flight. Only one man can stop them.
Con Air]

Put the bunny back in the box.

I said, put the bunny back in the box.

Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box?

John: examine Deep Impact poster.

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

Oceans rise. Cities fall. Hope survives.

Wow.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president??? Now you've seen everything!

John: examine calendar.

You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted sburb beta launch.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

John: eat cake.

[Image description: John looks at the cake on his dresser and makes an irritated expression again. Above his computer, an ellipsis appears in a speech bubble]

You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your sylladex with it either. The cake stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your computer. Someone is messaging you.

John: examine incoming message.

[Image description: John sits at his computer desk. An image of his desktop appears. There is an image of a slime monster from ghostbusters as the background and there are several icons. System is an image of a computer. Typheus is a green snake with a white head and a blank expression. Pesterchum is 2 cartoon yellow people shown from the shoulders up, one with a happy expression and one with a more neutral one. Pff.^Cake has a strange drawing that looks like a cake with a carrot sticking out of it. Fuck fuck fuck.^Cake has the same strange drawing. aaaaaaaaaaaa.~Ath has a simple face in a rectangle with wide eyes and a blank expression. The mouth is sewn shut.
At the bottom of the screen, a pesterchum icon flashes yellow.]

You pull up to your computer. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome wallpaper which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your desktop is also littered with various programming project files. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your pesterchum application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

John: open pesterchum.

[Image description: a yellow window labeled pesterchum 6.0 Chat client appears on the right side of the screen. Along with a list of usernames.
Chumroll :
turntech Godhead
tentacleTherapist
gardenGnostic

A button labeled pester! Is below them

My chumhandle :
EctoBiologist

turntech Godhead and ectoBiologist have yellow smiley faces next to their names

At the bottom is a list of moods

Mood :
Chummy
Bully
Palsy
Peppy
Chipper
Rancorous

Chummy is selected]

Only one of your chums is logged in. He's sent you a message.

John: open message.

[Image description: another yellow window appears with a chat client visible.]

Pesterlog
turntechGodhead [T.G.] began pestering ectoBiologist [E.B.] at 16:13

[Note: turntech Godhead speaks with red text and ectoBiologist speaks with blue.]

T.G.: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today
E.B.: I got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. I'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
T.G.: oh hell that is such a coincidence I just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here
E.B.: ok thats fine, but I just have one question and then a word of caution. Have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?
T.G.: but
the seal on the bottle is unbroken
are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory
E.B.: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?
try using your brain numbnuts.
T.G.: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like
I mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous
E.B.: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.
T.G.: ok I can accept that
monster b-list celebrity douche bags are cunning and persistent pranksters
also fred savage has a really punchable face
but who cares about this lets stop talking about it
did you get the beta yet
E.B.: no.
did you?
T.G.: man I got two copies already
but I dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring
did you see how it got slammed in GameBro????
E.B.: GameBro is a joke and we both know it.
T.G.: yeah
why dont you go check your mail. maybe its there now
E.B.: alright.

John: look out window.

You see the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your tire swing. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, he can hardly be considered a terribly proper gentleman at all.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

John: examine mailbox.

The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

John: go outside and check mailbox.

You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your Dad has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He is beating you to the mail.

John: forget it. Check mail later.

[Image description: John makes the irritated expression again. The speech bubble with the ellipsis flashes over the computer]

If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

Whatever. The dude can just hold his damn horses.

John: examine games on cd rack.

[Image description: a close up of the cd rack appears. This panel is interactive. As the mouse hovers over different parts of the rack, different covers appear off to the side. The covers are
Bard Quest. A crudely drawn man in a pointed hat aggressively plays a lute
The Caper Have-ers. There a 5 image panels on this cover, all in sepia tones. One is the front of a house with footsteps leading down a front path. Two is two people, one tall and skinny, one short and fat, and a dog looking at a hole in a wooden floor. Three is a close up of the dog. Four is a creature that looks like a circle with legs, a face, and an antenna on top of its head. It's mouth is full of small round objects. Five is that creature standing at someone's feet.
Problem Sleuth. A cartoon man fires an old gun while smoking
And It Don't Stop. A broken but futuristic robot crouches while holding a bundle of wires.
Question mark. The outline of a pumpkin on a black background with a question mark carved into it
Note: this is also the what pumpkin logo, which is the merch shop for mspaintadventures
Ghostbusters 2 MMORPG. The original Ghostbusters stand in full gear and look towards the camera
Little Monsters. A young boy and a purple-skinned man stand back to back.
Harry Anderson's 'Call My Bluff'. A man from the 50's looks into the camera while holding a few playing cards.]

You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.

John: read Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text.

[Image description: John picks up Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery
A second image zooms in on the cover]
You decide to consult with the colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other artifacts beneath it just yet.

John: captchalogue fake arms again.

What did you just say?? You don't want to clog up your...

[Image description: a third captchalogue card appears with the fake arms in it. John makes an irritated expression]

Oh, jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again.

John: set pesterchum status to "bully".

[Image description: the desktop reappears and the cursor hovers over the bully mood in pesterchum. The turntech Godhead chat flashes at the bottom of the screen]

You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "rancorous", but you still feel the pesterchum client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"bully" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.

John: answer chum.

[Image description: the chat client for turntech Godhead reappears on the screen]

Pesterlog
T.G.: is it there
plz say yes
maybe you can play with tt she's been pestering me all day about it
she's mackin on me so hard all the time I start to feel embarrassed for her
I mean not that I can blame her or anything
E.B.: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. I am attracted to you.
T.G.: thank you
E.B.: jk haha.
no, I don't have it yet.
my Dad has the mail and I guess I have to go get it from him and see if it's there.
and I've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.
it's so frustrating.
T.G.: whats your modus
E.B.: what?
T.G.: how do you retrieve artifacts from it
E.B.: oh. Like one at a time I guess. And if I put too much in, something falls out.
T.G.: stack?? Hahahahahaha
E.B.: what is yours?
T.G.: hash map
my bro taught me a few tricks. he basically knows everything and is awesome
E.B.: what the hell is that?
T.G.: you should probably brush up on your data structures
E.B.: I guess.
T.G.: did you at least allocate your strife spesibus
E.B.: no.
T.G.: it could free up a card for you
plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle
which is never
what have you got
E.B.: well, I've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.
T.G.: wow you really suck at this dont you
just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the spesibus
E.B.: how?
T.G.: I dont know, just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works

John: combine fake arms with cake.

[Image description: John stands by the bed. The cake that was moved from the toy chest to the bed now has the two fake arms sticking out of the top of it. The captchalogue deck appears at the bottom of the screen. The hammer and the smoke pellets are still inside but the last two cards are blank.]

You stick the fake arms in the cake on your bed.

This definitely makes the cake at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure Colonel Sassacre would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.

John: allocate hammer to strife spesibus.

[Image description: the strife spesibus appears on the screen. It is the same shape as the captchalogue card but in black and grey instead of pink and white. Currently, it is flipped so the back is visible. On the back is a long list of strife spesibye in three columns.

It reads:
Kind abstrata

Pizzacutter kind
Bat kind
Rollingpin kind
Plunger kind
Yoyo kind
Scissor kind
Pepperspray kind
Chainsaw kind
Crow bar kind
Broom kind
Poker kind
Icepick kind
Golfclub kind
Hammer kind
Jumprope kind
Shovel kind
Hatchet kind
Spoon kind
Statue kind
Spatula kind
Screwdriver kind
Blade kind
Pistol kind
Lamp kind
Stungun kind
Ball kind
Rake kind
Plank kind
Glove kind
Fork kind
Cane kind
Curling iron kind
Chain kind
Knife kind
Tableleg kind
Shotgun kind
Needle kind
Peppermill kind
Dumbbell kind
Hockeystick kind
Vacuum kind
Mop kind
Trophy kind
Fancysanta kind
Ladle kind
Cord kind
Iron kind
Saw kind
Cleaver kind
Iceskate kind
Wrench kind
Umbrella kind
Plunger kind
Hose kind
Book kind
Bust kind
Spade kind
Pipe kind
Nailgun kind
Hairdryer kind
Lacrosse stick kind
Throwingstar kind
Tongs kind
Razor kind
Fireextinguisher kind
Branch kind
Bowlingpin kind
Bomb kind
Woodwind kind
Stapler kind
Rifle kind
Candlestick kind
Paddle kind
Bow kind
Barbed wire kind
Dart kind
Marble kind
Plier kind
Firework kind
Chisel kind
Aerosol kind
Shoe kind
Pipe ettekind
Fan kind
Brass kind
Rock kind
Scythe kind

a cursor hovers over the word hammer kind]

You check the back of your strife spesibus for the kind abstratus you have in mind for it.

John: select "hammer".

[Image description: the cursor drags the hammer captchalogue card to the strife spesibus card, which has turned over. It has a large rectangular shape that takes up most of the card, but a rectangular box runs along the bottom of the card and there are three small, empty squares on the right side of the card which are currently blank. Their purpose is unknown. As the cursor releases the card on top of the strife spesibus, it turns green. The word hammer kind appears at the bottom of the card along with a stylized image of a hammer in the center box and a picture of the hammer John added in the bottom rectangle.]

Your strife spesibus has been allocated with the hammer kind abstratus.

The hammer has been moved from your captchalogue deck to your strife deck.

John: report progress to TG.

[Image description: John sits at the computer again, now with the strife spesibus in the corner where the captchalogue cards were]

Pesterlog
E.B.: ok, I did it.
T.G.: hammer kind?
E.B.: yeah.
T.G.: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your spesibus
I guess I should have mentioned that
E.B.: um...
T.G.: hope you like hammers dude!
E.B.: yeah, that's fine I guess. I can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.

John: captchalogue colonel's big book.

[Image description: the captchalogue cards reappear and the strife spesibus card disappears. The captchalogue deck reappears at the bottom of the screen. The top card now has the book in it]

Now that you've got some space in your sylladex to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

John: examine GameBro magazine.

[Image description: the cover of the magazine that was on John's desk now takes up the screen. On it is the word GameBro in large red letters. The stylized house from the sburb poster is on the cover. The commentary on the cover reads
Sburb: why the "game of the year" or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like that's better.

John: read article.

[Image description: a different page of the GameBro magazine appears. In the center of the screen is a green spirograph with the stylized house logo in the center. The article reads

GameBro feature
Sburb
So ok.
Sburb is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.
But I don't know. I'm like, so this is about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to *thrash* anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, "the mad stunts all wicked up-ins"?
Know what I'm saying, bro-yo ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 Hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.
At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of the dark knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.
So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't made for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch dark knight on account of ron trucking his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.
But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, brotel rwanda.
Bro-notes: dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn.

Rating for : sburb
An image showing 5 grey hats. One and a half are darkened.]

John: captchalogue GameBro.

[Image description: John stands next to his computer desk. The captchalogue deck and cards are on screen with the GameBro magazine now in the first slot.]

It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

John: captchalogue magician's hat.

[Image description: John turns towards the toy chest. A cone-shaped hat decorated with stars and moons takes the first slot in the captchalogue deck.]

You expend your final card on the magician's hat.

John: get funny glasses too.

You don't have a free card in your sylladex!

However, you are able to merge the beagle puss with the magician's hat to create a clever disguise.

[Image description: the glasses with the fake nose attached to join the magician's hat on the first card.

note: the words 'clever disguise' are a link that brings up a google image search for the words beagle puss, which are glasses with fake noses attached]

John: wear disguise to fool Dad.

[Image description: John stands by the bed. The cursor appears and clicks on the top card containing the clever disguise. The card turns transparent and shifts to the right side of the screen. The hat and glasses with the fake nose appear on John. He now has a pair of fake round glasses on top of his real square glasses. He looks stupid.]

John? Who is this "John" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.

John: leave room.

[John stands in a hallway. To his left is a poster of a man wearing glasses with a fake nose attached. To his right is a poster of a clown in obnoxiously bright colors]

You exit into the hallway.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your Dad swears on the many hallowed tombs of egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your Dad's stupid clowns. Or harlequins, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

John: go downstairs.

[Image description: John stands at the top of a set of stairs. Visible are the first clown poster and two more. A second image shows John standing in a living room at the bottom of the set of stairs. There is a curio cabinet containing multiple statues of harlequins, 3 clown posters, a fireplace with an urn on the mantle and a portrait of an old woman hanging above it. There is a couch with a cake on it and a large present in the center of the room. There are two doors; one that is just an archway and one that has swing-doors.]

The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the kitchen. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, betty crocker, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.

John: admire harlequins.

[Image description: John stands in front of the curio cabinet. There are six statues of harlequins, two of which are on top of the cabinet and four of which are inside. They are all ugly as sin].

You check out the shelves of fanciful harlequins.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your Dad sure can be a real cornball.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.

John: examine fireplace.

[Image description: John stands in front of the fireplace with the urn on the mantle and the painting of the old woman above it.]

A bright orange flame flickers in the fireplace. It doesn't matter that it's april and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a fireplace needs a fire, because that's what fireplace is for. A fire belongs in a fireplace, dammit, catagorically, at all times, without exception.

As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"the moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that.

John: toss GameBro into fire.

[Image description: the GameBro magazine appears in the fire, darkening where it overlaps with the flame. The page with the article appears in the second image. It turns a brown yellow color and holes appear in it, making it look like it is burning.]

It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GameBro magazine is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to mother earth, yo.

John: fondly regard cremation.

[Image description: the image zooms in on the urn and painting of the old woman.]

You examine the sacred urn containing your departed Nanna's ashes.

When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged Colonel Sassacre's.

He never wants to talk about it.

John: topple urn.

[Image description: John makes a frustrated expression. The urn lays on its side and a pile of ashes sits on the mantle next to it.]

You clumsily mishandle the sacred urn. Ash is everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before Dad finds it.

John: combine father's pipe with clever disguise.

[Image description: John stands near the couch. The captchalogue card with the clever disguise on it appears in the top right corner, still mostly transparent. A pipe joins the wizard hat and glasses with a fake nose, both on the card and on John's face]

You think now would be a good time to beef up your clever disguise.

John: examine oversized gift.

[Image description: John faces the large present in the center of the room. A second picture has a zoomed-in image of the tag. It reads
Champ.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
I believe in you.]

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

John: open large present.

[Image description: the present disappears, replaced by an oversized harlequin doll with no arms. A large wad of paper sits on the floor next to it, along with a bow]

Oh hell no.

John: captchalogue ashes.

[Image description: John stands near the two doorways. The urn is still knocked over and the GameBro magazine is still in the fire. The harlequin doll sits on the couch next to a cake]

First you prop the harlequin doll up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ashes to your available card.

John: combine ashes with urn.

[Image description: the cursor appears and clicks on the urn. As it does, the captchalogue cards reappear and the urn moves to the first card. The outside of the urn is smeared with ashes]

You merge the sacred urn with the ashes.

Most of the ash is back in the urn, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.

John: put urn back.

[Image description: the cursor appears and clicks the card with the urn in it. It drags the urn back to the mantle and releases, making the urn reappear in place on the mantle]

No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.

John: Go get fake arms again.

[Image Description: John returns to his bedroom and stands near his bed. The cake no longer has the arms in it, but rather they are in the first captchalogue card. The speech bubble with the ellipsis appears flashing above the computer.

You just got another brilliant idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the cake and captchalogue them.

Looks like pesterchum is acting up again.

John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.

[Image description: John's room appears from a different angle, revealing the two walls of the room not previously visible. There are 6 posters on the walls. There is also a closet, though the clothes inside are not distinguishable.

John: Check Pesterchum.

[Image description: John sits at his computer again. This time we see him from behind with a face off poster and Armageddon poster in the background. The second image shows the computer desktop again with the pesterchum icon flashing. This time the message is from tentacleTherapist.]

Another one of your chums is messaging you.

John: Check message.

[Image description: John clicks on tentacle therapist in the chumroll screen and yellow chat box appears.

Note: tentacleTherapist speaks with a light purple text]

pesterlog
T.T.: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.
E.B.: that's an ugly rumor.
whoever told you that is a filthy liar.
and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.
T.T.: I can't control myself.
I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.
E.B.: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.
I'm trying to go get it from him, so brb
T.T.: John.
E.B.: what?
T.T.: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?
You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.
E.B.: no, why would you even think that??
that's so stupid.
T.T.: Ok.
Why don't you go get the game from your father?
E.B.: alright, wish me luck.
oh, btw...
jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.
gotcha! hehehehe
T.T.: I know, John.

John: Go back downstairs.

[Image description: John stands near the couch looking at the giant Harlequin doll. The captchalogue cards are on screen with the fake arms in the first slot.]

You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough frosting on the fake arms to serve as an adequate adhesive.

John: Attach arms to doll.

[Image description: The fake arms are now sticking a directly out from the Harlequin doll's sides in a manner that makes them look like they are dislocated. The Harlequin is still smiling anyway.]

Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what Colonel Sassacre says, that makes it at least a million percent funnier.

John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.

[Image description: John moves to stand near the fireplace again, looking at a brown square on the floor. The second image is of a skier with a motion blur on him flying through the air on a giant chocolate bar labeled Broblerone. The edges of the advertisement are charred.]

You put this back in the fire where it belongs.

John: Throw present wrap in fire.

[Image description: The wad of paper appears in the fireplace and vibrates gently as it burns.]

As long as you're cleaning up...

John: Captchalogue doll.

[Image description: John faces the Harlequin on the couch. Its arms still look painfully dislocated.]

You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it.

John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.

[Image description: John holds the book. The second image has a sepia-toned picture of what I assume is the first page of the book. A distinguished-looking man in a surprisingly silly wizard's hat looks at the camera. To his right is a card with a crown on it. To his left is a card with a woman on a tightrope on it. The text on the bottom half of the page reads
The Creepy-crawlies!
Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!
Hold fast my intrepid fellow prank-smiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.
If I may direct the incisive ogle of of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs, plastic parasites, squirming serpents, pliable pests, and every such order and phyla of creepy-crawlie!
Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!
In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits. Is your pappy's rod and reel handy? What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive. Bring those wriggling rascals to life, and set the nerves of some old maid to the wreck of Hesperus!
Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoon hours? A board, splintery fence - a bucket of whitewash perhaps?
By gum you'll fix her wagon!
And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font? You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!]

You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.

But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it.

John: Find dad and retrieve mail.

[Image description: John stands in the corner of the living room between the two doors.]

The door on the left leads to the kitchen, from which the smell of baking wafts a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.

The door on the right leads to the study, where your dad spends a lot of time.

He could be in either room. Where will you go?

John: Go in the study.

[Image description: John stands in the study. On the wall are three posters. One is very large, featuring a large number of people near a swimming pool. It takes up the entire wall. On the second wall is one poster of a young child in a joker's hat and a poster of a man and a very intricate jester costume. There is a piano with two clown statues and a pipe on top of it. There is a desk next to a coat rack. On the desk are playing cards, a pipe, a captchalogue card, and a few other unidentifiable items. An umbrella leans against it. On the coat rack are a bowler hat and a top hat. In the back corner there is a safe with another clown statue on top of it. A window looks out into a yard.]

It doesn't look like he's in here right now.

John: Examine father's desk.

[Image description: John stands near the desk.]

On the desk is a deck of playing cards, one of your dad's pipes, the April issue of the Serious Jester Magazine, and a stray captchalogue card.

There is also a can of peanuts on the desk. Ha ha, oh dad. You won't be falling for that one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.

John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.

[Image description: John stands on the other side of the desk near the coatrack. The bowler hat is now on the transparent clever disguise captchalogue card and John's head. The wizard's hat has taken its place on the coat rack.]

You swap the magician's hat with the bowler hat.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but a lot more distinguished looking.

John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.

[Image description: It zooms in on the pipe sitting on the desk]

Your dad maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, he is a rather piss-poor excuse for a roughneck if you ask me.

You'd rather not take the pipe, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.

How you suffer for your comedy.

John: Examine captchalogue card.

[Image description: The focus shifts to the right. Now on screen are the serious Jester magazine and the captcha log card]

Yes!!! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your sylla...

John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.

[Image description: A captchalogue card appears on the first captchalogue card. John makes the irritated expression again and scribbles appear above his head as if he were blanking out curse words that he was thinking.]

ARGH!!!

[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.

(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)

[Image description: John stands at the piano and plays. There is music associated with this page. The song is Showtime Piano Refrain.]

John: Play 52 Pick-Up.

[Image description: John stands next to the piano, a deck of cards scattered on the floor in front of him. He makes a very frustrated expression. A second image shows a close up of one of the statues on top of the piano and the poster of the boy in the Jester's hat.]

You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

So stupid. Look at this mess.

The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn.

John: Attempt to leave the house.

[Image description: John once again stands in the living room. This time we see it from another angle. A portrait of John and a man who presumably is his father are on a wall next to a black stain and a window. A television shows a silhouette against a brick wall next to a shallow alcove with the front door in it. A creepy harlequin bust on a pedestal stands in the corner.
The second panel zooms in on John who is now standing in front of the television. The television cycles through a few different shots from a commercial of Hi-C ecto cooler juice, featuring the Ghostbusters]

You go back into the living room and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a Dad encounter.

Your television is currently airing a commercial.

John: Exit.

[Image description: John stands outside the front door of his house. To the left of the screen is a tree branch with a tire swing hanging from it. Above the front door a balcony has a telescope on it. To the right of the screen there is the top of Dad's car.]

You exit the house.

John: Check mail.

[Image description: John moves down the driveway to stand next to the mailbox, which is open.]

Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.

[S] Next

[Image description: An animation of John taking off his clever disguise plays. It shifts to an image of the sky, then zooms out to show houses on the street. It returns to John and zooms out to show the entirety of his house. A stylized image of a sun appears in the sky, along with the word Homestuck. Over all of this the sound of wind plays.]

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

Next

[Image description: John still stands next to the mailbox.]

John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.

[Image description: John holds his head and makes a frustrated expression then looks towards the mailbox.]

N...

No!

John: See if your father left the mail in the car.

[Image description: John moves to stand near the car. A second image shows the inside of the car from the perspective of someone looking through the driver side window. In the passenger seat is a green box with a paper underneath it.]

The door is locked and your dad has the car keys. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your dad forgot to take this stuff inside.

John: Spy in the kitchen.

[Image description: John stands near the house looking in through a window. The window is foggy, but through it, a red box is visible along with a few more sheets of paper and a brown square with the stylized house logo on it.]

You try to get a gander through the kitchen window, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your dad has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a red package, some bills, your dad's pda, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the sburb logo. Could it be???

Unfortunately, the window is locked.

John: Go back into the kitchen.

[Image description: John stands in the living room between the two doors again. The harlequin's right arm has fallen off, leaving a smear of icing on the doll. The left still looks dislocated.]

You have no other choice. You are going in.

Clever disguise, it's time to work your magic.

[S] John: Enter.

[Image description: The song Harlequin plays. A dark outline against a fridge. Fade to black. A close up of a pipe. Fade to black. A close up of a hand near an oven. Fade to black. A close up of a hat. Fade to black. A close up of a cake in someone's hands. Fade to black. The figure, presumably John's father, turns to face John who now stands in the kitchen. Fade to black.]

Next

[Image description: A static image shows the kitchen. There is a door next to a telephone on the wall. A broom leans in the corner next to the refrigerator. On the other side of the refrigerator there is an oven. A counter has the red box, the mail,a small grey PDA, and the sburb beta. Dad, a fatherly man with a fedora and a pipe, but no face, only a nose, holds the cake and faces John. A speech bubble next to his head flashes between an image of John and an image of John in his clever disguise. John still wears his clever disguise and above his head a red exclamation point flashes. A second image shows John removing the clever disguise and replacing it in his captchalogue, where it becomes the first card.]

Your dad sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!!!

You unequip the clever disguise. Your dad wields a dreaded artifact of confection. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this.

[S] STRIFE!

[Image description: The song Showtime (Original Mix) plays.
Dad takes out a lighter and lights the thirteen candles on the cake. He begins moving back and forth slightly. John takes out his hammer from his strife spesibus and also begins moving in back and forth motions. His expression is one of angry determination.
This panel is Interactive. Above John's head are two boxes. The top one reads aggrieve in green. The bottom one reads abjure in blue.
Click Aggrieve. A green slime creature like the one on John's shirt appears in the background and the kitchen fades to a green screen. John dashes forward and swings his hammer at the cake. The kitchen reappears and the word Auto-pastry appears in pink.
Click Abjure. A dark blue band appears at the top of the screen with the words Guardian rubric: coddlebrand appear. Dad dashes forward and flashes light blue as the kitchen fades to a swirling blue background. John backs up and shakes his head as the word dote smight appears on screen.]

John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!

[Image description: A pink box reading Abscond slides on screen from the right side of the panel, situating itself above John's head. A cursor appears from the right side of the screen and clicks abscond. Dad takes a battle stance and a pie appears in his right hand, making it appear like he is about to throw it at John. John's expression changes from one of angry determination to one that makes him look like he is screaming.]

You cannot abscond! This pesky guardian is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another artifact of confection! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.

John: Equip disguise for defense.

[Image description: John quickly re-equips his clever disguise as Dad throws the pie directly into John's face. Between them, an image of a shield with beagle puss glasses appears. The words Beagle Aegis appear in blue at the top of the screen. Below each of them, pink a bar appears with two harlequin heads on either side of it. Dad's bar is filled slightly less than halfway, then increases to slightly more than half filled. John's is filled halfway, but decreases to barely a fifth full.]

The beagle aegis absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like dad will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.

John: Captachalogue pie tin.

[Note, this is how captchalogue is spelled in this instance. Normally it does not have the extra A after the T]

[Image description: The captchalogue cards and deck reappear on screen. John removes the clever disguise, which takes the first card slot in the captchalogue, then he takes the pipe tin from his face. He looks understandably irritated. As he takes the pie tin, the three smoke pellets are ejected from the captchalogue and land on the floor to John's right.]

You take pie tin and unequip the beagle puss.

Everything in your sylladex is pushed back a card. The smoke pellets are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were...

Next

[Image description: The three smoke pellets sit on a white background doing absolutely nothing.]

Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown.

John: Take the cake!

[Image description: Four text boxes appear on screen above John's head. A green Aggrieve, a blue Abjure, a purple Accede, and a pink Abscond. The cursor comes on screen and clicks Accede. Immediately afterwards dad crouches down and shoves the cake towards John, who grabs it and makes an expression like he is shouting. The captchalogue cards reappear and the cake takes the first slot. This forces the Colonel Sassacre's book from the stack. It begins flying towards the three smoke pellets.]

"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The cake forces Colonel Sassacre's text out of your sylladex.

Next

[Image description: The book flies and lands on top of the three pellets on the ground. Immediately, the background turns grey and darker gray lines wiggle across the screen.]

Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!!!

John: Abscond.

[Image description: Dad holds the broom and begins waving it around as if trying to clear the smoke. A smoke detector on the wall has a red flashing light on it. John stands in the middle of the room doing nothing.]

Now that dad is busy placating the smoke detector, you can safely sneak away.

John: Take PDA.

[Image description: John stands by the counter and captchalogues the PDA. In his captchalogue now are the PDA in the first slot, the cake in the second, the pie tin and the third, the clever disguise in fourth, and a new fifth slot which appeared when he took the PDA and forced the captchalogue card in the last slot out of the deck.]

You snag your dad's PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare captchalogue card is forced out of the sylladex, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with.

John: Take package.

[Image description: John captchalogues the red box.]

This red package is addressed to you.

John: Take envelope.

[Image description: John catalogs the sburb beta, which is a brown envelope with a stylized green house logo on it. This forces the clever disguise out of his captchalogue and makes it fall to the floor, but John looks happy anyway.]

You got the sburb beta!!!

John: Exit kitchen.

[Image description: John stands in the living room facing the harlequin on the couch. The fate of the harlequin's fallen arm is now known - it fell into the cake sitting next to the doll.]

John: Get cake on couch.

[Image description: John now stands at the other side of the couch and captchalogues the cake and arm combination. The pie tin falls onto the couch where the cake was. The order of items in the captchalogue is now the cake and arm, the sburb beta, the red package, the PDA, and the cake he got from his father.]

You captchalogue the cake on the couch, expelling the pie tin from the bottom card.

John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.

[Image description: All 5 captchalogue cards merge into one. John makes a frustrated expression.]

You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your sylladex is smushed between the cakes. Why don't you think these things through first??

John: Retreat upstairs!

[Image description: John stands in the hallway outside his bedroom again. A second image shows a different section of the hallway. Two new doors are on screen. On the back wall is a black-and-white poster of a man from the fifties wearing a fedora.]

You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this cake.

To the left is the bathroom. To the right is your dad's room. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets.

John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.

[Image description: The first image shows John standing in the bathroom. There is a bathtub with a shower head above it, a towel on a towel rack next to a toilet, a sink with a mirror over it, a window that looks out into the backyard, and a bath mat showing a strange depiction of a clown. A second image shows the backyard with a swing set containing two swings and one of those spring pogo things shaped like the green slime creature from Ghostbusters.]

You enter the bathroom. You can see your back yard from the window. The jewel in its crown is the swing set which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a spring-mounted pogo-ride, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your dad's razor. On the rack to the side is a fresh towel.

John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.

[Image description: John stands near the sink with the cake monstrosity in front of him. Sitting on the counter next to the sink are the red package, the sburb beta, and the PDA, all of which are smeared with icing. He holds a straight razor in one hand and it is also in the top captchalogue card. A second image shows John standing next to the toilet. He captchalogues the towel from the towel rack. The third image shows John standing by the sink again. All the icing has been cleaned off of the package, the beta, and the PDA.]

You take the razor and use it to perform surgery on the cake.

You take the towel and clean off the extracted goods.

John: Retrieve your items.

[Image description: The captchalogue deck re-appears at the bottom of the screen. John captchalogues the red package, the sburb beta, and the PDA. This forces the cake monstrosity out of his captchalogue deck. It flies away and lands on the toilet. John makes a disgusted expression.]

The items force the manhandled cake into the toilet.

And just like that, your sylladex is full again. God this thing is annoying.

John: Go to bedroom.

[Image description: John returns to his bedroom, where two speech bubbles with ellipses inside flash above his computer.]

John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.

[Image description: It zooms in on three of the posters on John's wall. All three are for Matthew McConaughey movies. One shows two people standing in front of a line of satellite dishes. The title is obscured by another poster. A second poster shows a man looking off into the distance while wearing circular glasses. The title says A Time to Kill. The last poster shows one woman and one man. The man leans back on his heels and the woman holds him up. The title reads Failure to Launch.]

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. [Chokes up] Now imagine she's white.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!

[S] John: Check Pesterchum.

[Image description: A three-trill notification sound plays. John's computer desktop reappears. At the bottom of the screen two chat windows flash. One for gardenGnostic, one for turntech Godhead. John's mood is still set to bully.]

pesterlog
gardenGnostic [G.G.] began pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 16:34

Note: gardenGnostic speaks with a vibrant green text.

G.G.: hi happy birthday john!!!!! (heart)
helloooooo??
ok i will talk to you later!!! (Very happy face)

gardenGnostic [G.G.] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 16:56

turntech Godhead [T.G.] began pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 16:40

T.G.: hey GG is looking for you. why are you even so popular all of a sudden
is today some sort of special occasion or something
did you do something to curry favor with ladies
did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit
dude what are you doing
turntech Godhead [T.G.] is now an idle chum!
E.B.: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.
now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.
T.G.: no stop
just no
dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them
your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold
E.B.: mcconaughey.
T.G.: sounds like a noise a horse would make
ie dumb
equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up
E.B.: those are my dad's.
T.G.: i was talking about nick cage
E.B.: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.
T.G.: ha ha so lame
you dont even like him ironically or anything. this is like for real isn't it
hahaha
E.B.: i do things ironically sometimes.
what about what i sent you for your birthday?
T.G.: no those are awesome
E.B.: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?
wait...
you're actually wearing them, aren't you?
T.G.: im wearing them ironically
because theyre awesome
the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome
and vice versa
are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a fucking pen
E.B.: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.
T.G.: ew. yeah
oh well
anyway speaking of which
did you get the mail
E.B.: yeah.
T.G.: did there happen to be a package there
E.B.: yeah, there's a big red one.
T.G.: you should probably open it
E.B.: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.
T.G.: oh man the beta came
E.B.: yeah! wanna play it?
T.G.: haha no way
E.B.: why not!
T.G.: it sounds so HELLS of boring. just get TT to play it. she is all about that
E.B.: where'd she go.
T.G.: her internet is blinking in and out i guess
probably be back online soon
oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus???
seriously dude
you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous
E.B.: ok, i will.

John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com

[Image description: John clicks the typheus icon- the green snake with a white head. The green tail flashes pink and the white head flashes black. A moment later a teal-colored internet browser pops up. John clicks the home button and mspaintadventures.com begins to load on the screen.]

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the typheus web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created.

Next

[Image description: On-screen is the first page of Midnight Crew. The comic panel shows a darkened room with a single bare light bulb above the table. Around the table are four black figures. The leftmost one is very short and round. The next is very tall and also round. The next is slightly less tall than the second one, and also much skinnier. The last one is medium sized and twiggy, and has an angry expression on his face. On the table are a stack of poker chips, a piece of paper that has been stabbed through by a short sword, two dice, and a deck of playing cards. There are three doors visible, one on each wall. The leftmost one has a red heart on it. The next has a black spade. The last has a red diamond. In the back left corner a ladder is embedded in the wall with an arrow pointing up towards a hatch in the ceiling. Part of the wall is cracked. The text below the panel reads

Midnight Crew

You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.
What will you do?]

The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.

John: Install the Sburb beta.

[Image description: John sits at the computer, which shows mspaintadventures.com for a moment before returning to the desktop. The captchalogue cards reappear in the top left corner and the cursor comes on screen to click the sburb beta, which is in the top card. It drags it towards the computer and a button on it flashes red for a moment.]

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the sburb beta.

Next

[Image description: John's desktop reappears. This time a green and black window appears. It reads
Sburb Client
Sburb version 0.0.1
(Copyright) Skaianet System Incorporated. All Rights Reserved.
Sburb client is running.
Waiting for server to establish connection…]

What the fuck is this.

John: Bone up on data structures.

[Image description: John stands near the CD rack and looks into his closet. A second image shows the inside of the closet, with white rectangles symbolizing clothing. At the bottom of the screen there is a bookshelf with several books on it. The books are
Data Structures, which has a large black stain obscuring part of the title.
discrete mathematics
^cake
~ath
DIS*
Automata
And one grey book with no title.]

You go to your closet, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy computer programming guides.

John: Read Data Structures book.

[Image description: It shows a close up of the cover of a book called
Data Structures for Assholes
By Buckminster Funnyuncle
It's a red cover with the title in a black band. Below the title, a green emoji makes a disgusted expression and says "Your ignorance just made me throw up a little. Get a clue, you computer-illiterate piece of shit." in a light blue speech bubble.
The rest of the cover reads
"I think my rage just crapped its pants" -Funnyuncle
Free fetch modus in back!!!]

You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead.

John: Get free Fetch Modus.

[Image description: It shows the inside cover of the book. In a small pocket attached to the book is a fetch modus. It is in the same shape of a captchalogue card and strife spesibus, but the outside border is gray and the inside shape is orange. Inside the inner shape is the outline of a captchalogue card followed by an arrow. This sequence repeats three times. It reads
fetch modus
FIFO, an initialism for 'First in, First out'
Queue]

You turn to the back inside cover, where a free fetch modus is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a queue data structure, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a stack.

John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.

[Image description: The image returns to John, who still stands by the CD rack. The captchalogue cards and deck reappear on the screen. In the top card is the new fetch modus. The cursor comes on screen and clicks it, dragging it down to the captchalogue deck. The cards and deck, which were pink, now turn orange and the red package card turns grey. The bottom card bearing the razor slides out of the stack for a moment before returning to the bottom of the pile.]

Items captchalogue in your sylladex are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the red package is now inaccessible. You can only use the razor at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.

John: Switch back to Stack Modus.

[Image description: It zooms in on John. In a thought bubble next to him, it shows the fetch modus for the stack structure surrounded by three question marks. The fetch modus has a gray background and a pink inner shape. The image in the inner shape shows three captchalogue cards in a diagonal arrangement, with a downward pointing arrow in the first card. The card reads
fetch modus
FILO, an initialism for 'First in, Last out'
Stack]

You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the stack modus.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much.

John: Put down razor.

[Image description: John holds the razor and stares at it, blinking occasionally.]

Put it...

Down?

...

You're not quite sure you understand.

John: Pick up two items.

[Image description: John stands near the dresser next to his door and captchalogues the cake on top of it.]

You captchalogue one of the cakes.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: dead weight.

John: Get other cake.

[Image description: John stands near his bed and captchalogues the cake on top of it, the one that he previously stuck the arms into. As he does this it forces the razor from his deck and it flies through the air, slicing off part of his hair. He makes a concerned and frightened expression. A second image shows the razor lodged in the forehead of the man from the A Time to Kill poster.]

The second cake causes the razor to launch out the front of your sylladex.

Oh good lord.

That beautiful face.

You wish the razor would have failed to launch.

John: Get more stuff.

[Image description: The toy chest reappears on screen. The sword, the four red capsules, the handcuffs, and the Wise Guy book are still with the chest. A second image shows John standing next to the chest. As he captchalogues Wise Guy, the towel pops out of his sylladex and floats down to drape gently over his head.]

You open your magic chest and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, Wise Guy by Mike Caveney.

There goes the fresh towel.

John: Might as well grab those cuffs.

[Image description: The handcuffs appear in the top captchalogue card and the PDA flies from the stack. As it flies off screen, broken glass falls onto the floor. John makes a frustrated expression. A second image shows John facing one of the windows in his bedroom, the one near his computer and the poster with the razor stuck in it. The top right panel of it is broken.]

You take the trick handcuffs, expelling the PDA like a bullet.

Next

[Image description: The image shows the view through the window. Visible as part of the street and most of the front yard, including a large tree. In the center of the yard, the PDA and shards of broken glass lay on the ground.]

Oh God dammit.

John: Open up that package!

[Image description: It shows a close-up image of John holding the red package. A label on the top of the box reads
To : EB
From : TG
A second image shows an extreme close-up of the face from the A Time to Kill poster with the razor lodged in the forehead.]

You examine the package. It is from one of your internet chums.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The razor! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't...

John: Get razor.

[Image description: John captchalogues the razor, which forces the red package out of his sylladex. It flies through the air and smacks him in the back of the head. The word Bonk appears in red letters as the package falls to the floor.]

John: Pick up package again.

[Image description: John captchalogues the package again and quickly ducks as this sends one of the cakes flying out of his captchalogue. A second image shows it smacking the face from the A Time to Kill poster, then slowly sliding down the wall.]

Let's take this from the top.

John: Captchalogue glass shards.

[Image description: John captchalogues three glass shards, then jumps to the side as this throws a cake, the Wise Guy book, and of the handcuffs from his captchalogue. A second image shows the window again. The entire thing is completely shattered.]

You take three glass shards in quick succession and duck for cover.

Your sylladex rains devastation on your room from above.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon.

John: Use the razor on the red package.

[Image description: John holds the razor in his right hand and looks at the now open package. Inside is an unidentifiable brown shape.]

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

Next

[Image description: John stands next to the bed, looking very happy. On the bed are the now open package, two small slips of paper, and a very dirty stuffed rabbit.]

It is a stuffed bunny. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely like that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it is the very same bunny.

This is so awesome.

[Note: the words 'Held hostage' are a link that pulls up an image of a man pointing a gun at a stuffed rabbit]

John: Check status of Sburb beta.

[Image description: The focus of the panel shifts down a little bit, bringing the computer on screen. Above the screen, two speech bubbles flash, one with an ellipsis in it, one with the sburb logo in it.]

It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.

John: Look at monitor.

[Image description: John's desktop is now on screen. The sburb client still takes up a majority of the screen, but at the bottom the chat for tentacleTherapist flashes. The client installer now reads
Sburb Client
Sburb version 0.0.1
(Copyright) Skaianet System Incorporated. All Rights Reserved.
Sburb client is running.
A sburb host user is attempting to connect with you.
Client has established connection with host.
Press [ENTER] when ready.]

John: Check Pesterchum window.

[Image description: A yellow chat for tentacleTherapist appears on screen.]

T.T.: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.
I'm going to try to connect.
E.B.: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.
T.T.: The rabbit?
E.B.: SO SWEET.
T.T.: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.
E.B.: ha ha, what?
T.T.: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?
E.B.: oh the game, ok.
i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?
T.T.: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.
E.B.: oh, ok then.
T.T.: Why don't we get started?

John: Press [ENTER]

[Image description: The image of the computer desktop fades to a white screen with a spirograph and a loading bar on it. The loading bar has a tiny tick filled.]

[S] Next

[Image description: The song sburban jungle plays. The spirograph begins spinning and morphing into different types of spirographs in various colors in time with the music. The background begins changing colors and has almost cloud-like or tie dye like designs swirling on it. Various loading messages quickly appear then change to the next below the loading bar as it slowly increases. The loading messages read
Transforming Soffits
Reorganizing Keys
Formalizing Immersion Joints
Justifying Kick Extractors
Advising Aggregates
Managing Elbows
Recasting Connectors
Achieving Aluminum Trowels
Officiating Disks
Exhibiting Absolute Spigots
Progressing Coil Hydrants
Jerry-building Reflectors
Informing Casters
Inventing Rubber Hoists
Performing Wrenches
Judging Chalk Adapters
Upgrading Ignition Paths
Regrowing Flashing
Recommending Ratchets
Approving Barriers
Sweeping Impact Fillers
Sewing Mirrors
Detailing Collectors
Enforcing Measures
Distributing Systems
Presenting Plugs
Interwinding Registers
Piloting Ash Diffusers
Gathering Cranks
Supplying Eave Pockets
Undertaking Scroll Stops
Accelerating Straps
Designing Fittings
Protecting Diamond Boilers
Logging Downspouts
Correlating Shingles
Uniting Mallets
Qualifying Electrostatic Lifts
Sharing Clamps
Obtaining Circular Fluids
Ranking Foundation Gauges
Sensing Miter Brackets
Originating Space Networks
Translating Drills
Regulating Guards
Selecting Gable Padding
Utilizing Pellet Dowels
Reconciling Artifacts
Altering Pulleys
Shedding Space Filters
Determining Vents
Representing Mortar
Remaking Flash Rakers
Supporting Funnels
Typecasting Rotary Chocks
Expressing Junctures
Resetting Auxiliary Vises
Professing Strip Treads
Inlaying Matter Trowels
Questioning Drivers
Forming Edge Fittings
Sketching Blanks
Overshooting Spark Breakers
Rewriting Controls
Playing Tunnels
Inventorying Buttons
Enduring Joist Handles
Effecting Ratchet Bibbs
Unwinding Couplings
Forsaking Vapor Conduits
Defining Sockets
Calculating Heaters
Raising Grids
Administering Tiles
Measuring Resources
Installing Ignition Remotes
Extracting Corners
Manufacturing Ventilators
Delegating Consoles
Treating Mounting Stones
Enacting Jig Deflectors
Intensifying Alleys
Improvising Cargo
Pinpointing Bobs
Prescribing Arc Masonry
Structuring Metal Chucks
Symbolizing Lathes
Activating Plumb Kits
Adapting Coatings
Fixing Channels
Expediting Cordage
Planning Compressors
Enlisting Hangers
Restructuring Keyhole Augers
Shearing Ridge Hardware
Collecting Reciprocating Bolts
Maintaining Corrugated Dimmers
Whetting Hole Collars
Conducting Mandrels
Comparing Assets
Compiling Sealants
Completing Paths
Composing Equivocation Wheels
Computing Dampers
Conceiving Electrostatic Treatment
Ordering Cotter Grates
Organizing Ties
Orienting Ladders
Exceeding Materials
Targeting Thermocouples
Demonstrating Emery Stock
Expanding Latch Bases
Training Wardrobe Adhesives
Overcomming Fasteners
Streamlining Storm Anchors
Navigating Springs
Perfecting Turnbuckles
Verifying Gate Pegs
Arbitrating Arithmetic Lifts
Negotiating Outlets
Normalizing Strips
Building Surface Foggers
Checking Key Torches
Knitting Grinders
Mowing Planers
Offsetting Stencils
Acquiring Bulbs
Adopting Rivets
Observing Avenues
Ascertaining Coaxial Grommets
Slinging Wing Winches
Instituting Circuit Generators
Instructing Wicks
Integrating Pry Shutters
Interpreting Immersion Lumber
Clarifying Coils
Classifying Wood Bits
Closing Cogs
Cataloging Matter Strips
Charting Holders
Conceptualizing Push Terminals
Stimulating Supports
Overthrowing Shaft Spacers
Quick-freezing Connectors
Unbinding Ground Hooks
Analyzing Eyes
Anticipating Gateways
Controlling Proposition Rollers
Converting Power Angles
Coordinating Staples
Correcting Benders
Counseling Joist Gaskets
Recording Gutter Pipes
Recruiting Drains
Rehabilitating Rafter Tubes
Reinforcing Washers
Reporting Guard Valves
Naming Freize Sprues
Nominating Rings
Noting Straps
Doubling Nailers
Drafting Circuit Hoses
Dramatizing Flanges
Splitting Framing Compounds
Refitting Stems
Interweaving Patch Unions
Placing Sillcocks
Sorting Slot Threads
Securing Mode Cutters
Diverting Catharsis Plates
Procuring Load Thresholds
Transferring Syllogism Twine
Directing Switch Nuts
Referring Time Spools
Diagnosing Knobs
Discovering Locks
Dispensing Hinges
Displaying Hasps
Resending Arc Binders
Retreading Grooves
Retrofitting Aesthetics Portals
Seeking Stocks
Shrinking Wormholes
Assembling Blocks
Assessing Divets
Attaining Lug Boxes
Auditing Nescience Passages
Conserving Strikes
Constructing Braces
Contracting Saw Catches
Serving Instantiation Irons
Recognizing Fluxes
Consolidating Fuse Calipers
Mapping Shims
Reviewing Chop Groovers
Scheduling Lag Drives
Simplifying Hoists
Engineering Levels
Enhancing Tack Hollows
Establishing Finishing Blocks
Estimating Adhesives
Evaluating Mortar
Examining Auto Turnbuckles
Processing Foggers
Servicing Avenues
Transcribing Existence Rivets
Revising Consoles
Separating Absolute Stencils
Budgeting Sheet Grommets
Preparing Kits
Realigning Cartesian Mandrels
Painting Fasteners
Filing Grout Hangers
Finalizing Atma Augers
Formulating Couplings
Identifying Sillcocks
Imagining Materials
Inducing Shutters
Influencing Wheels
Licensing Chocks
Lifting Extrinsic Mallets
Overdrawing Ratchets
Overlaying Ventilators
Overriding Cardinal Soffits
Specifying Element Aggregates
Systemizing Divets
Shaping Pockets
Publicizing Aether Remotes
Reducing Slot Stops
Governing Archetype Dimmers
Monitoring Assets
Launching Manifestation Systems

At the end of the animation the background fades back to white and the spirograph grows larger for a moment before disappearing and the background turning to black. The word sburb appears in green in the center of the new black background and bounces gently up and down.]

Next

[Image description: John sits at his computer. At the top of the screen what appears to be a game interface appears. To the left side of the screen there is a small green spirograph. In the area next to and around the spirograph there is a save button, a file button, an exit button, a zoom button, a rotate left button, a rotate right button, and arrows pointing up down left and right. In a white bar across the rest of the screen are seven icons.
This panel is interactive. The buttons near the spirograph do nothing but the icons pull up a large box showing the icon and a description of what it does. The leftmost icon is a sburb house logo icon that is slanted slightly back and to the right. When hovered over, it shows the word Select. The second is a similar but disassembled icon, which pulls up the word Revise. Third is an upside down sburb logo icon which pulls up the word Deploy. The fourth icon is a captchalogue card with a small green cube next to it, which pulls up the words Phernalia Registry. Fifth is a blue shape resembling a gushers candy that brings up the words Grist Cache. The sixth shows a stack of captchalogue cards in various colors with a green cube on the top card and pulls up the words Explore Atheneum. The last icon is a captchalogue card with several columns of dashes along it next to an Erlenmeyer flask partially filled with a green liquid. Hovering over this one brings up the words Alchemy Excursus.]

[Mouseover the interface buttons. -AH]

T.T.: Select magic chest.

[Image description: A small cursor comes on screen and clicks the Select icon. It turns into the icon then moves to click the chest. It lifts the chest up into the air, revealing a pink card that was underneath it.]

T.T.: Zoom out.

[Image description: The cursor clicks the rotate right button and the screen changes to show John sitting at the computer from behind. The cursor clicks the zoom button twice and the scene zooms out to the point that John's room is no longer visible. Instead, we see the outside of the house, including a door that leads out to the balcony with the telescope on it.]

T.T.: Drop chest.

[Image description: The select cursor drags the toy chest towards the roof. It clicks to drop the chest, which falls onto the roof and slams shut. It slides down a few feet before coming to a stop a few feet short of the edge of the roof.]

pesterlog
E.B.: whoa, what are you doing??
T.T.: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.
E.B.: is my magic chest on the roof now??
T.T.: Yes.
E.B.: (sad face)
T.T.: I will try to be more careful next time.

John: Get the card.

[Image description: The scene returns to John, who now stands next to the pink card on the ground where the chest was. He picks it up and as he does it is revealed that it is the stack fetch modus card. His captchalogue cards and deck turn pink as he places it on top of the queue modus, which has appeared in the top right corner of the screen. A second image shows John smiling foolishly while quickly switching back and forth between the stack and queue modi.
Note: for some reason, in the second panel, the slime creature on John's shirt is blue, likely due to compression issues during upload.]

You find your missing stack fetch modus, and quickly reapply it to your sylladex. You can now opt for either the stack or queue modus any time.

You toggle between your fetch modi with gleeful abandon.

Next

[Image description: John stands near the window, looking out into the yard. The next image shows a wide view of the house, the tree in the front yard, and Dad's car, which is now pulling out of the driveway.]

It looks like your dad is leaving again for more baking supplies. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

You just hope he doesn't notice the magic chest on the roof. Or all the shit you threw out the window, for that matter.

T.T.: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.

[Image description: The image of the front yard where the PDA and broken glass flew out reappears, but now the PDA and glass are joined by the cake, the handcuffs, and the book that were thrown out when John captchalogued the glass shards. A curved red line crosses the yard as if it's part of a circle that surrounds the house. The select cursor moves towards the items, but as it crosses the red line, everything beyond that line gains a red tint.]

pesterlog
E.B.: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?
can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?
T.T.: I'll give it a shot.
E.B.: thx!
T.T.: No luck.
it appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".
E.B.: (very sad face)

T.T.: Select John.

[Image description: The scene returns to John's room, where the select cursor moves towards him and clicks on his chest. This causes him to flash red and wave his hands like he is trying to smack it away while making an expression that makes it look like he is shouting at it.]

You cannot select a player!

John abjures the meddlesome cursor.

T.T.: Select bunny.

[Image description: The image shifts to focus on the bed with the box, the bunny, and the certificate of authenticity on it. The select cursor clicks on the bunny and lifts it into the air slightly. John stands next to the bed and watches.]

T.T.: Put the bunny back in the box.

[Image description: The cursor drags the bunny and drops it back into the red box. This causes John to smile. His mouth is shaped like a jelly bean, which is really freaking adorable. He's just so pleased with strange movie references.]

T.T.: Revise room.

[Image description: The image shifts over to the far right side of the room so that it is only partially on the screen. The rest of the space is blank. A cursor moves to select the revise tool, the second icon that looks like a disassembled sburb house logo. With the revise icon, it clicks and drags a large square that starts inside the bedroom but ends outside of it, in the blank space. When it releases, the entire image shakes a little bit like something has been dropped, and where the square was, the room is now extended.]

Next

[Image description: The image returns to the outside of the house, where we see the new extension of John's bedroom drop into place. The toy chest is still on the roof.]

T.T.: Open Phernalia Registry.

[Image description: It returns to John's bedroom, focused on the new extension. John stands by the window. The cursor selects the 4th icon- the Phernalia registry, which looks like the captchalogue card with the green cube and next to it. This causes a drop down menu to appear containing three strange looking machines. The first one looks like a rectangular prism with a smaller rectangular prism on top of it. On top of the second prism is a cylindrical object with a spirograph printed on the top. The mouse hovers over this first item and brings up a label that calls it a Cruxtruder. The cursor hovers over the second item, which looks like a large, complicated sewing machine or 3D printer. The name that appears underneath it is the Totem Lathe. The third item, which looks like a round platform on top of a rectangular platform with a robotic arm sticking up from one corner, has the name alchemiter appear underneath it. Underneath each of the names is a gray image of the Grist item, the item that looks like a gusher candy, and two dashes.]

T.T.: Deploy Totem Lathe.

[Image description: The cursor clicks the deploy icon, the one that looks like the upside down sburb logo. The cursor turns into the deploy cursor and moves to click the totem lathe. It drags this to sit along the wall in the new section of the bedroom.]

John: Examine Totem Lathe.

[Image description: John stands next to the totem lathe with a red question mark flashing over his head. The totem lathe has a variety of levers and buttons, and what looks to be a clamp for cylindrical objects.]

You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!

T.T.: Open Grist Cache

[Image description: The cursor comes on screen and clicks the grist cache icon, the one that looks like a gusher. Right below this, it says 'Grist Cache limit: 20". A screen pops up with the gusher icon in the top left corner and and 36 small rectangular slots for different types of grist in a nine by four grid. The top 5 in the first column have icons and fill bars, but the others all have nothing but a grey question mark. The different types of grist are
A blue gushers shape grist, labeled build grist, which currently has 16 out of 20 filled.
A purple gusher shaped grist with none available.
A white cube shaped grist with none available.
A yellow teardrop shape grist with none available.
And a green gusher shaped grist with none available.]

pesterlog
T.T.: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".
But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.
It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.
E.B.: wow, ok.
what do they do?
T.T.: I think it's up to you to find out.
All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.
E.B.: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!
T.T.: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.
You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.
E.B.: what??
T.T.: Did you get another envelope in the mail?
E.B.: no!
T.T.: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.
Are you sure you didn't get it?
E.B.: oh man.
i think i might know where it is.

Next

[Image description: We see the inside of Dad's car again and a second image zooms in on the green package and envelope in the passenger seat. Now visible is the very edge of the green house logo on the the envelope.]

pesterlog
T.T.: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?
It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.
Which... you threw out the window for some reason?
E.B.: good idea!
T.T.: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?
E.B.: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.
but i think i have it under control now.
what modus do you use?
T.T.: I like to use trees.
E.B.: oh no, that sounds so awkward.
T.T.: It's not exceptionally practical.
But I think they are elegant.

John: Stand in corner.

[Image description: John stands in the corner of the room as the select cursor drags the Wise Guy book and PDA back into the bedroom. As it drops them on the floor, John smiles.]

T.T.: Deploy Cruxtruder.

[Image description: The scene returns to the living room. The deploy cursor appears and selects the Cruxtruder. It drops it in the living room right in front of the doorway. The Alchemiter has moved to the second slot, where the Totem Lathe was, and the last slot is filled with a captchalogue card with a blue apple and several rows of dashes on it labeled a Pre-punched card]

T.T.: Deploy Alchemiter.

[Image description: The image shows the balcony with the telescope on it and the deploy cursor hovers over the Alchimeter, which is now in the first slot. The captchalogue card with the dashes and blue apple has moved to the second slot, and the final slot has been taken up by an item that looks like a sound mixing board with legs that is named the Punch designix. This item says it has a cost of four purple grist.]

pesterlog
E.B.: why is the floor shaking?
Are you dropping more stuff in my house?
T.T.: Yes. Two more large gizmos.
E.B.: sweet!
what is with all these big contraptions?
T.T.: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.
E.B.: huh.
to what end?
i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?
T.T.: That remains to be seen.
Maybe you should go investigate?

John: Get PDA.

[Image description: John still stands in the corner of his bedroom, next to the Wise Guy book and PDA. The captchalogue cards and deck appear on screen, with three shards of glass in the first three slots. John steps towards the PDA and picks it up, making it appear in the first slot. A second image shows the screen of dads PDA, which appears to be a forum of some sort. It reads
Serious Business. Next to this is a logo that looks like a the square with a hat
The following matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for pipefan413's judicious appraisal.

grayslacks66 17:21
Need counsel on removing coffee from necktie. Incident occurred 45 seconds ago. Beverage essences rapidly settling into fabric.

2busy4this 17:22
please elaborate on 'incident'

grayslacks66 17:22
Was posturing unevenly to reach for hat on wall hook. Tip of tie slipped in open mouth of pot. Duration of "dunk": approximately 3 seconds.

officeurchin1280 17:23
Photographic documentation of incident?

wellPressedAttire 17:23
Use ballpoint pen to roll up tip of cloth. Extract pen. Press rolled cloth against ceramic surface, e.g. restroom sink. In future: consider repositioning hat hook and/or coffee pot.

grayslacks66 17:24
Decided to return home for fresh tie. Soiled tie will be laundered immediately upon return]

You grab the PDA, switching back to stack modus so it is readily accessible.

The interface is oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, you mean harlequin wallpapers.)

The serious business application is open. It seems your dad uses it to keep tabs on various acquaintances... his fellow street performers, maybe?

You guess the performing arts must be pretty serious business after all.

John: Install Pesterchum.

[Image description: It now shows the home screen of Dad's PDA, which has a pipe as the background image, a system icon, and a square wearing a hat icon labeled SB. Above the SB icon is a pesterchum icon. The pesterchum chat client pops up. It reads
pesterchum 6.0 Chat client
Chumroll :
turntech Godhead
tentacleTherapist
gardenGnostic

My chumhandle :
EctoBiologist

tentacleTherapist and ectoBiologist have yellow smiley faces next to their names.
John's mood is still set to bully.]

This should be useful. Now you can keep tabs on your chums while you wander around the house.

John: Go out to balcony.

[Image description: John stands on the balcony near the Alchemiter]

pesterlog
E.B.: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.
i am messaging from my dad's pda.
T.T.: The one you threw into the yard?
E.B.: no, i am telling you.
it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.
T.T.: What were you doing with it in the first place?
I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.
Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?
E.B.: what? no.
those were all accidents.
please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!
T.T.: Your bathroom is a mess.
Did you do that too?
E.B.: oh man, see this isn't cool.
all this snooping nonsense!
T.T.: There's a cake in the toilet.
E.B.: yes. there is.
T.T.: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.
E.B.: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.
T.T.: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?
Can a disorder also be a complex?
E.B.: in your case, probably!
T.T.: Sounds complicated.
E.B.: anyway...
i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.

John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.

[Image description: John stands right in the middle of the round platform, well within smacking distance of the robotic arm.]

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.

John: Look through telescope.

[Image description: John looks through the telescope with one eye closed. A second image shows a circular section of the sky with a stylized sun inside it.]

It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.

T.T.: Grab the soiled toilet.

[Image description: the scene returns to the bathroom, now with the build grist bar in the corner. The select cursor appears and clicks the toilet with the cake in it. As it does, the build grist jumps down from 16 to 14. The select cursor rips the toilet out of the wall, pulling a chunk of the floor with it.]

pesterlog
T.T.: Whoops.
E.B.: whoops what?

Next

[Image description: The select cursor gently places the toilet and cake into the backyard next to the swingset and pogo bouncer.]

pesterlog
E.B.: what was that noise?
is this something i should go investigate?
T.T.: No, I have it under control.
You can keep playing with your telescope.

John: Investigate.

[Image description: John stands in the bathroom and makes an irritated expression. The broken pipe sticking out of the floor where the toilet was now gushes water. A second image shows the next room down, where a sledge hammer and green card sit.]

pesterlog
E.B.: augh!
T.T.: I think I can patch it up.
Just give me a little space.
T.T.: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?
E.B.: the what?
T.T.: The thing I put in your living room.

John: Hop down the hole.

[Image description: It shows the utility room, which has a washer and dryer towards the left side of the screen. Towards the right are two cabinets with the sledgehammer and green card next to them. In the background, there's a window and a door that leads outside. John drops down from the ceiling and lands on top of the dryer.]

You jump down to the utility room.

John: Get sledgehammer and card.

[Image description: John stands near the sledgehammer and card, then steps towards them. The green card appears in the top right corner with the sledgehammer now on it. It stays there for a moment before sliding to the captchalogue cards and appearing on the top card. A second image shows the strife spesibus. The large rectangular shape that takes up most of the card still shows a stylized black hammer, the three boxes along the right side are still blank, but the bottom rectangle now shows John's hammer from before and the new sledgehammer.]

You take the sledgehammer and the captchalogue card, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your strife spesibus.

You think it's cool that things don't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

Next

[Image description: The PDA in the first slot of the captchalogue deck has a speech bubble with an ellipsis inside it flashing above it.]

It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.

John: Answer chum.

[Image description: It shows a close up of the PDA with the pesterchum chat client open on it. tentacleTherapist, gardenGnostic, and ectoBiologist have yellow smiley faces next to them, but a box around gardenGnostic is flashing.]

pesterlog
gardenGnostic [G.G.] began pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 17:25

G.G.: john did you get my package??
E.B.: oh hey!
no, not yet.
G.G.: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box.....
E.B.: oh!
yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.
he should be back soon.
G.G.: great!!! so what are you up to today?
E.B.: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.
TT is making a royal mess of my house.
G.G.: lol!
whats sburb??
E.B.: oh, it is this game.
it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.
G.G.: whoa what was that?????
E.B.: what was what?
G.G.: there was a loud noise outside my house!!
it sounded like an explosion!!!!
E.B.: wow, really?
G.G.: i will go outside and look....
E.B.: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?
G.G.: i will! (smiley face)

gardenGnostic [G.G.] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 17:28

John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.

[Image description: John stands in the living room and looks at the Cruxtruder.]

pesterlog
E.B.: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
T.T.: There's a door there?
E.B.: um, YEAH???
T.T.: I didn't see it.
I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.
E.B.: you mean you thought it was elegant?
ok well what do i do with this thing.
hello?
what are you doing up there now?

Next

[Image description: The scene shows the bathroom. The select cursor clicks the bathtub and rips it out of the floor. The amount of build grist decreases from 14 to 12.]

pesterlog
T.T.: Oh fuck.

John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.

[Image description: John stands on the lower prism of the cruxtruder and turns the wheel on the side of the cylinder with the spirograph on top. The top section of the cylinder begins to lift slightly.]

When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!

T.T.: Put bathtub in driveway.

[Image description: The scene shows a zoomed out image of John's living room and the second floor hallway. The select cursor begins to carry the bathtub down the hallway from John's room, but halfway down the hallway, the cursor disappears and the words Connection Lost appear across the screen in green. The bathtub drops in the middle of the hallway.]

On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.

John: Scold TT.

[Image description: John stands in the bathtub.]

pesterlog
E.B.: you can see me, right.
tell me what is wrong with this picture.
T.T.: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.
Must be the weather.
I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.
I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.
E.B.: haha, yeah I hear you.
T.T.: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.
Quite a road to hoe there.
T.T.: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.
E.B.: i know!
what about going outside?
maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.
T.T.: That presents the same problem.
Also, it's raining, remember?
And dark.
E.B.: It's dark already?
T.T.: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.
Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.
E.B.: haha, um, ok.

John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer.

[Image description: The harlequin bust's pedestal stands next to the Cruxtruder. He stands on top of it and holds the sledgehammer, making a pained expression as he tries to swing it.

pesterlog
T.T.: Need some help?

T.T.: Pick up sledgehammer.

[Image description: The select cursor clicks the sledgehammer and helps John swing it onto the top of the cruxtruder. The screen flashes blue then fades to white, like the machine exploded.]

Next

[Image description: John stands on the floor next to the pedestal. The cruxtruder shakes and turns blue as blue rays of light beam out from it. Suddenly, the lid explodes off, landing on the pedestal John recently vacated. From the now open cylinder, a spirograph flashing blue, white, and black floats up. Screens on the base of the Cruxtruder read 4:13.]

Next

[Image description: It zooms in on the screens, which begin counting down.
4:13
4:12
4:11
4:10]

pesterlog
E.B.: what is this thing?
and what is that clock counting down to?
T.T.: I've been looking at the Game F. A. Q. walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.
Hold while I read further.
E.B.: ok.
T.T.: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.
None progress much further than this point.
E.B.: weird.
well, i mean it is a new game.
T.T.: True.
Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".

John: Turn wheel again.

[Image description: John stands on the base of the cruxtruder and turns the wheel again. This makes the open cylinder spit out a light blue cylinder of an unknown material. It flies towards the spirograph, which swoops out of the way. The cylinder lands on top of the fallen lid. The timer still counts down
4:03
4:02
4:01]

You extrude one cruxite dowel.

John: Get cruxite.

[Image description: John captchalogues the cruxite dowel. Now in his captchalogue are the cruxite dowel, the PDA, and three shards of glass.]

pesterlog
T.T.: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.
John?
Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.
Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.

T.T.: Deploy Pre-punched Card.

[Image description: The select cursor hovers over the Pre-punched card. A second image shows the select cursor dropping the card on the floor next to John, who now stands near the door to the kitchen.]

John: Get card.

[Image description: John captchalogues the pre-punched card, which forces a shard of glass out. It flies through the air and slices off one of the tips of the harlequin's hat before landing in the pie tin.]

A shard of glass is expelled from the deck and maims the harlequin doll.

John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins.

[Image description: John stands in front of the curio cabinet and captchalogues two of the ugly harlequins. This forces the other two glass shards from the captchalogue cards. Both of them maim the poor harlequin more; one slicing it's face open, another cutting a gash in its side.]

You take two fanciful harlequins.

The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the queue modus so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck.

Next

[Image description: The flashing spirograph has a square speech bubble above it, which shows strange blue and black textures as if they're being typed.]

pesterlog
E.B.: this thing keeps following me around.
i think it's trying to talk to me or something.
T.T.: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".
It apparently needs to be "prototyped".
Twice, actually.
Whatever the hell that means.
These walkthroughs are horrendously written.
E.B.: hmm, ok.
well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!
also, fix my bathroom.

T.T.: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.

[Image description: The select cursor clicks the beat-up harlequin and drags it to the spirograph, which is named a Kernelsprite. As it releases, blue beams of light shoot from the kernelsprite and the screen fades to white.]

[S] Next

[Image description: The kernelsprite flashes and morphs, then grows to take up most of the panel. Immediately, it begins shrinking down to nothing and beams of blue light shoot out from it. The song Harlequin plays. A harlequin head with one of the tips of its hat missing, a scar across it's eye, and an arm floating next to it appears inside a blue ring. The head flashes white, blue, and black.]

The kernelsprite has been prototyped with the harlequin doll.

Next

[Image description: the kernelsprite vibrates intensely in front of the couch, flashing quickly. Above its head, a square speech bubble has blue and black fleur-de-lis appearing as if being typed in. John simply stares at this spectacle.]

pesterlog
E.B.: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.
T.T.: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".
There is still another tier to the prototyping process.
Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.
E.B.: the clock is ticking.
we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.
T.T.: This unmitigated poppycock?
E.B.: extravagant hogwash!
ok stop
stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.
i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.
T.T.: The alchemiter?
E.B.: ??
T.T.: Try to learn the lingo.

John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter.

[Image description: John stands on the balcony next to the alchemiter. The kernelsprite hovers near the door.]

There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the alchemiter!

The kernelsprite followed you upstairs.

T.T.: Explore Atheneum.

[Image description: A cursor clicks the Explore Atheneum icon, the one that looks like a stack of captchalogue cards in various colors with a green square on the top one. The rest of the screen is taken up by a five by three grid of white squares, each with a smaller white square at the bottom left corner. The top left square is the only one with anything inside it. It contains a green cube and the smaller square contains a blue cylinder exactly like the one pushed out by the cruxtruder. As the cursor hovers over it, a label pops up that says Perfectly Generic Object and has a build grist with the number 2 below it.]

Acquiring a cruxite dowel seems to have populated the atheneum with one item: a perfectly generic object.

John: Captchalogue telescope.

[Image description: John takes the telescope off it's stand and places it into the first captchalogue slot. This forces the PDA from the deck. A second image shows a zoomed out picture of the yard with John's house on the left side of the screen. A fence crosses the panel diagonally, separating John's yard from his neighbor's. The PDA sits well beyond the fence.]

You snatch the telescope from its tripod. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the cruxite to the last card making it available for tinkering.

The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.

John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter.

[Image description: John stands by the robotic arm portion of the alchemiter, where he has now placed the cruxite dowel. The kernelsprite flashes and vibrates on the right side of the screen.]

You place the cruxite dowel on the alchemiter's small pedestal.

Something is happening...

Next

[Image description: John stands to the right of the alchemiter. The robotic arm folds out and scans the cruxite dowel with a red laser.]

Next

[Image description: a grey box appears in the top left corner with the number one and up and down arrows in it. To the right of the box, it says minus two next to a build grist. A cursor clicks the up arrow twice, increasing the number inside the box to three and decreasing the number next to the build grist to minus six. A moment later, the large round platform on the alchemiter fades to black, then pops back to white as three green cubes appear in an explosion. The build grist bar decreases from 12/20 to 6/20]

You set the alchemiter to cast three perfectly generic objects for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of build grist.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.

John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky.

[Image description: The captchalogue deck reappears at the bottom of the screen, now in Stack mode. John uses the telescope to look towards the left side of the screen. The kernelsprite vibrates intensely.]

You switch back to stack modus and get a closer look with your telescope.

Whatever it is, the kernelsprite seems particularly agitated about it.

Next

[Image description: It shows a circular section of the sky with two clouds. At the top of the screen, a white streak points downwards like it is plummeting towards the earth.]

Next

[Image description: A timer sits at the top of the screen, counting down. In the second image, a red meteor hurdles across the sky.
3:10
3:09
3:08
3:07
3:06
3:05
3:04
3:03
3:02
3:01
3 minutes]

Next

[Image description: John looks up nervously, a bead of sweat running down his face.]

You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.

John: High-five Kernelsprite.

[Image description: John high-fives the kernelsprite]

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.

[Image description: John stares up at a thought bubble with a box of gushers and two build grist surrounded by question marks with a stupid expression on his face.]

It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of build grist are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

Next

[Image description: The image focuses on the driveway as Dad's car pulls in.]

pesterlog
T.T.: Your dad is getting home.
John?
What did you do with your PDA this time?
I'm working on the bathroom.
But we are running low on Build Grist.

T.T.: Revise bathroom.

[Image description: The scene shows the bathroom with the two gaping holes in the floor. The select cursor clicks and drags a square over the holes. When it releases, the holes disappear at the cost of 4 build grist, bringing the total down to 2.]

Next

[Image description: Dad stands at the front door, jiggling the doorknob. A red question mark flashes over his head as he realizes it won't open. A second panel shows him walking towards the cake-filled toilet that TT put on the lawn, another red question mark over his head.]

John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum.

[Image description: John stands by his desk in his disaster zone of a bedroom. Two speech bubbles with ellipses flash over the computer. The kernelsprite hovers near the closet.]

Two chums have been trying to message you.

John: Answer chums.

[Image description: John sits at the computer and the kernelsprite hovers near the totem lathe.]

pesterlog
T.T.: I'm working on the bathroom.
But we are running low on Build Grist.
E.B.: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!!
T.T.: I see.
Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?
E.B.: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!
T.T.: I think it's very likely.
The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.
The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.
As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.
Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.
E.B.: wow, FASCINATING.
E.B.: [six question marks]
T.T.: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.
Try using the lathe.
It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.
E.B.: ok i'll do that.
T.T.: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.
If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.
While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.
I think I will write my own walkthrough.
That is, after we make sure you don't die.

turntech Godhead [T.G.] began pestering ectoBiologist [E B] at 17:34

T.G.: i heard you got the box
i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you
in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way
also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you
its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon
hey where are you
E.B.: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.
TT is breaking everything in my house.
T.G.: dude i told you to steer clear of that game
and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether
E.B.: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!!
it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.
E.B.: in the sky.
heading right for my house!!!!!!!!
T.G.: oh man
how big is it
E.B.: i dunno.
big, i guess.
i gotta go!
we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.
T.G.: like the size of texas
or just rhode island
theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us
but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG
like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir
OH SHIT
or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir
OH SHIT
sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick
OH SNAP
sir are you familiar with jupiter
you mean like the planet?
yeah
well its that big sir
hmm that sounds pretty big
i have a question
is it jupiter?
Yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter
OH SHIT
anyway later

John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.

[Image description: John stands by the totem lathe with his captchalogue in Queue mode. He places the pre-punched card into a slot on the totem lathe and a spiked object comes out of the part that extends over the clamp.]

You slip the pre-punched card into a slot on the totem lathe. Above, the tool arm deploys a configuration of chisels.

Now you just need something to lathe.

John: Take cruxite to totem lathe.

[Image description: The image shows a zoomed out picture of most of the living room and the hallway outside John's room. John dashes from his bedroom door to the balcony door, dodging the bathtub that is still blocking the hallway. Dad stands on the stairs with a red question mark over his head.]

Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the balcony for the cruxite dowel you left on the pedestal.

You navigate the hallway leery of your dad, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway.

Next

[Image description: The image shows the yard where the swings, the pogo-bouncer, and the cake-filled toilet are. The select cursor clicks the cake and drags it out of the toilet. It drops it on top of the pogo bouncer. A second image shows the select cursor dragging the toilet back into the bathroom and setting it in the corner where it belongs. The chunk of the old floor is still attached to the base.]

The perfect crime.

Next

[Image description: John stands near the door to the balcony as Dad walks back down the stairs. The cruxite dowel is now in the first slot of the captchalogue deck.]

You retrieved the cruxite dowel.

Dad just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.

John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe.

[Image description: John stands near the totem lathe with the cruxite dowel in the clamp. It holds it so the curved surface is parallel to the floor.]

You clamp the cruxite in the lathe.

John: Activate lathe.

[Image description: The cruxite dowel spins as the chisel tip descends. It carves into it, creating a deep valley followed by a bulge and a shallower valley. A second image shows John standing by the totem lathe's clamp with the cruxite totem in his top captchalogue card.]

The lathe carves one totem.

You take the totem.

Next

[Image description: John sits at his computer.]

pesterlog
E.B.: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.
now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?
hello???????
tentacleTherapist [T.T.] is no longer connected!
E.B.: uh…

Next

[Image description: The image shows the hallway outside John's bedroom. The select cursor begins dragging the bathtub out of the way, but it only manages to get a few feet before it disappears and the words Connection Lost appear across the screen. The bathtub now blocks John's door, trapping him in his bedroom.]

Next

[Image description: A large timer counts down at the bottom of the screen. John stands at his bedroom door, jiggling the handle with an irritated expression on his face. The door won't open.
2:10
2:09
2:08
2:07
2:06
2:05
2:04
2:03
2:02
2:01
2 minutes]

Next

[Image description: A girl with short hair, a headband, and the image of an angry-looking, four-tentacled purple cartoon squid on her shirt stands in her bedroom, looking around. On the wall behind her is a poster of a dapper man in an old fashioned suit holding a cigar. He has a squid for a head. To her left is a dresser and an open purple box. To her right is the end of an unmade bed with two notebooks on the floor next to it.]

A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...

Named...

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?

Enter name.

[Image description: The image zooms in on the girl and a textbox is above her head. It types
Flighty Broad
The words fade away and the girl makes an angry expression.]

No, that wasn't it!

One more time.

[Image description: It types
Rose Lalonde
And a green check mark appears next to the name]

Examine room.

Image description: It shows the rest of the girl's, Rose's, room. It's an absolute mess. On top of the dresser, a violin and bow are propped against the wall. On the wall nearby are the posters of the squid-headed gentleman, a boy with an eye patch and a gun, and a woman's head. Sharing the wall with the posters is a window that takes up three quarters of the wall. Outside it is a tree branch and rain. A sock and a knitting bag sit on the unmade bed. On the wall behind the head of the bed, there are three posters of increasingly horrific tentacle monsters. Next to the bed is a door and on the other side of the door is a bookshelf filled with books. On top of the bookshelf are a black jar, a snowglobe, and a plushie version of the squid creature on Rose's shirt. Opposite the window is Rose's desk, with a laptop, two sburb envelopes, and a book on it. Purple clothing is scattered all over the floor.]

Your name is Rose. As was previously mentioned you are without electricity, although your laptop computer still functions on battery power. You have a variety of interests. You have a passion for rather obscure literature. You enjoy creative writing and are somewhat secretive about it. You have a fondness for the bestially strange and fictitious, and sometimes dabble in psychoanalysis. You also like to knit, and your room is a bit of a mess. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play video games with your friends.

What will you do?

Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.

[Image description: Rose slowly nudges the purple box into the dresser with her foot.]

The purple package's contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside.

Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.

[Image description: Rose makes a skeptical expression and raises her eyebrow. Suddenly, the bed pops in from the right side of the screen and her expression changes to one of disgust with her tongue out.]

Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach.

Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'

[Image description: Rose slowly nudges the notebooks under the bed with her foot.]

You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!!!

These journals are for your eyes only.

Rose: Get violin.

[Image description: Rose stands by the dresser and captchalogues the violin and bow. Her captchalogue is a bright green-yellow color and her deck has eight cards in it, the first now taken by the violin. The rest are empty.]

You captchalogue the violin, storing it the root card of your sylladex.

[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.

[Image description: Rose holds the violin and plays Aggrieve (Violin Refrain). Outside, lighting flashes.]

You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!

John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.

[Image description: John is pressed against the wall, making a kissy face at the Armageddon poster.

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and you would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag.

[Image description: Rose stands on her bed and captchalogues the knitting bag. The knitting bag's card appears down and to the left of the violin card with the corner of the violin card on top of it.

You get the knitting bag. It occupies the left leaf card under the violin, per the tree modus's alphabetical sorting method.

K < V.

Rose: Look out window.

[Image description: Rose turns around to look out the window next to the bed. A second image shows the view. In the yard is an above-ground tomb with a cat head carved above the doorway. Behind that is a large swath of trees. In the distance, the outline of a building with a tower and a large satellite dish on the roof is silhouetted against the clouds. Lightning flashes in the distance.]

Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, Jaspers, who died when you were young. Your mom had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful irony in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

You can also make out a silhouette of the laboratory next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong wireless internet signal. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?

Rose: Get laptop.

[Image description: Rose stands by the desk and captchalogues the laptop. It pops into the cards and they all shuffle around a little before settling into position with the laptop in the top card, the knitting bag in the lower left card and the violin in the lower right.]

You take your laptop and prepare to make the journey through the house.

L < V. L > K.

This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your sylladex auto-balances itself. Now the laptop occupies the root card, while the other two items comprise the leaves.

K < L. V > L.

Rose: Examine book on desk.

[Image description: Rose holds the book, which is titled Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious, which has a one-eyed monster with eight tentacles arranged in a wheel shape on the cover. Below the monster is a series of small bone and skull illustrations.]

This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few.

Rose: Take book.

[Image description: Rose captchalogues the grimoire, which shuffles down onto a leaf card below the knitting bag.]

You take the grimoire.

G < L, G < K.

Rose: Go explore the house.

[Image description: Rose stands in a hallway outside the door to her bedroom. On the wall nearby is a very intricate painting of a wizard with swirling clouds, planets, lighting, and a unicorn in the background. It looks just as tacky as it sounds. The frame it's in is equally tacky.]

You leave your bedroom.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an exquisite wizard. Your mother collects these awful things ironically. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the observatory. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.

Rose: Tiptoe to observatory.

[Image description: Rose stands in a different section of the hallway with the first tacky wizard still visible, though her bedroom door is now off screen. A wizard statue stands in the corner next to another tacky wizard painting in an ornate frame. A set of stairs descends off screen and a junction splits the hallway into two paths that both lead off screen.]

You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the observatory.

Next

[Image description: Rose presses herself against the wall and slowly inches towards the juncture. The other section of hallway is shrouded in shadow. Suddenly, lightning flashes and a silhouette of a woman is visible for just a fraction of a second.

Rose: Sneak by.

[Image description: Rose dashes past the opening in a blur and freezes on the other side.]

Next

[Image description: Rose stands on the other side of the junction, where a painting of a wizard holding a staff and reaching for a phoenix hangs on the wall next to a black stain. On the opposite side of the tacky painting is a door with a label next to it that looks like a cartoon observatory telescope. And a wizard statue. A second image shows Rose standing right in front of the door.]

This door leads up to the observatory. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time.

Rose: Go through door.

[Image description: Rose stands on a narrow, outdoor walkway suspended a long way above the ground. She braces herself against the wind. At the other end of the walkway is a door.]

The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend.

Rose: Hurry up to that observatory.

[Image description: Rose stands inside a round room with a domed roof. A large telescope takes up much of the room inside. A set of stairs leads downward, following the curve of the room.]

Rose: Try to connect!

[Image description: Rose takes the laptop out of the captchalogue. As she does, the other three cards flash and disappear, dropping the items on the ground]

You first put your laptop down on the floor to get it situated.

But removing it from the root card causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

Rose: See what you can observe.

[Image description: Rose stands at the base of the telescope and looks through the eyepiece with one eye closed. A second image shows a section the night sky ringed by dark clouds. Three small red meteors shoot across the opening.]

You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take a moment to peek through the huge telescope.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller meteoroids is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.

Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation.

[Image description: Rose stands by the laptop, which now is sitting on top of the grimoire. A second image shows her sitting on the floor in front of the laptop. A faint glow from the screen lights up her face.]

You'll need every advantage you can get.

Rose: Access laboratory wifi network.

[Image description: The laptop screen takes up the whole panel, with a game F. A. Q. page for sburb up, which is on page 1 of 176 in the thread. Rose minimizes the window and the desktop appears. The background is a young woman in a blue victorian dress, but her legs are a mass of tentacles. The icons on screen are a grey box named HD, and three folders labeled Detritus, Scraps, and Leavings. She clicks a green spirograph icon and the sburb server appears on screen with the text
Lost connection with client.
Reconnecting…
In it.
A list of available wireless networks appears
SN_LAB 0413 - UNSECURED
SN_LAB 9687 - SECURED
SN_LAB 1802 - SECURED
SN_LAB 5565 - SECURED
Rose clicks SN_LAB 0413 and the list disappears. The sburb server screen reappears, now reading
Lost connection with client.
Reconnecting...
Server has established connection with client.
The screen fades to an image of John's bedroom with the row of icons across the top. John stands by his bed.]

There are several signals being broadcasted from the laboratory, each of relatively decent strength.

One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently unsecured, requiring no password.

You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with John.

Next

[Image description: A large timer counts down at the top of the screen. John sits at his computer, frantically pounding on the keyboard.
41
40
39
38
37
36
35
34
33
32
31]

pesterlog
T.T.: I'm back.
E.B.: hurry up and open my door!!!!!!
not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!!!!!!
T.T.: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.
E.B.: [three question marks]
T.T.: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.
E.B.: so what is it, like an apple or something?
What good will that even do?
T.T.: We'll see.
I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.
T.T.: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.
In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].
E.B.: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?
T.T.: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.
This speaks to its importance, in my view.
Now off you go.

Rose: Remove door from hinges.

[Image description: The select cursor, now known to be controlled by Rose, clicks the door and drags it away from the opening. She holds it over the bed. This reduces the amount of build grist left from 2 to 0]

There goes the rest of your build grist.

Rose: Put bathtub back.

[Image description: The scene shows the bathroom. Rose gently places the bathtub back where it's supposed to go, remnants of the original floor still attached.]

You probably should have just done this in the first place.

John: Take totem to alchemiter.

[Image description: John stands by the alchemiter with the cruxite totem now on the smaller platform by the robotic arm. The three Perfectly Generic Objects, the green cubes, are still on the main platform. The kernelsprite flashes and vibrates intensely.]

Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!

The kernelsprite is getting awfully worked up about all this!

Rose: Remove blocks.

[Image description: Rose clicks the three blocks, which pop into one of the menus.]

You store the perfectly generic objects in your phernalia registry, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

Next

[Image description: The laser comes out to scan the totem lathe. On the main platform, a blue tree appears in an explosion, grows a blue apple, then disappears, dropping the apple into John's waiting hands.]

[S] John: Take bite of apple.

[Image description: sburban Countdown plays. John slowly looks up from the apple as the image fades to a close up of the meteor hurdling across the sky. A timer appears at the top of the screen.
30
29
28
27
It zooms out and the meteor flies across the panel.
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25
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23
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21
It switches to an image of John's house. John stands on the balcony, holding the apple.
20
19
It shows the entirety of John's neighborhood. Rows upon rows of identical houses.
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17
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15
14
The meteor bursts onto the screen, flying directly for John's neighborhood.
13
12
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Another close up on the meteor.
10
9
8
7
John's wall with the A Time to Kill poster vibrates.
06
Dad stands baking in the kitchen with a red question mark over his head.
5
The man on the Armageddon poster vibrates.
4
A clown poster vibrates.
3
The portrait of the old woman and urn of ashes vibrate.
2
John's shirt vibrates.
Cut to John, holding the apple, silhouetted by the oncoming meteor.
1
It gets closer. And closer. And closer. And-
It fades to white.
A wavering mushroom cloud appears. Impact.

A red curtain draws across the screen.]

End of Act 1