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“Dan I don't think I can do this.”
They’re standing outside the adoption agency. They didn't let themselves in despite the sign next to the door with the hours on it practically saying they were right on time. Dan reaches for the door handle and Phil stops him.
“Dan please.”
Phil says it with such desperation that he's acting like Dan is putting a gun to his head and Phil's begging for his life.
“Phil we both know it's too late.”
Dan pauses before continuing.
“We've signed the papers. The only thing left to do is to take her home.”
Dan's right. The hardest part is over. They've taken the prep classes, they gone in front of the adoption agencies board, literally everything is taken care of.
Well not everything.
“I don't think I’ll be a good enough father.”
Phil finally says his worries and hangs his head low. They've had this conversation so many times that Dan is surprised it hadn't made them actually back out of it. They have wanted kids for ages. Dan remembers wanting it from when he was a 16 year old and he had to emergency baby sit the neighbors newborns. Phil on the other hand, hadn’t given it much thought until Dan came along. In Phil’s mind he’d “always seen kids” when he thought about being an adult but acting on it was so much different than just thinking about it.
“Phil you'll do fine. Besides even if you do wind up sucking at it, at least I'll still be there if you decide to walk out on us.” Dan says, trying to make a joke to lighten the mood. The comment was practically dripping with sarcasm, but still doesn’t make Phil feel any better. Dan gives Phil one last sympathetic look before finally opening the door.
The bell jingles as Dan steps inside the building. Phil takes a deep breath before following behind him. He sits down on one of the waiting chairs while Dan talks to the secretary. Phil looks around. He's been in here a million times but it still feels like the first time. There are a few other parents and some kids probably waiting on their new brothers or sisters. Dan plops down next to him, jolting him out of his thoughts.
“What did the lady say?”
“The social worker will come get us and bring us to one of the rooms.”
Phil purses his lips and takes out his phone. Dan puts his hand on Phil’s knee but neither acknowledge the action.
Time drags on as they wait for the social worker. It's only been 10 minutes but it feels like an eternity.
“Dan what if she isn't coming?”
“Phil don't be ridiculous. The secretary says she’s here. Besides we’re not her only case.”
Dan’s right. One of her meetings could be running late. Then again, they are pretty early.
“I know I’m just nervous.”
“No shit Sherlock.”
Phil lightly punches Dan in the arm at the comment but it did distract him for a split second.
“Phil I think the last thing you want to do at an adoption center is to punch someone.”
Phil rolls his eyes at Dans snarkiness.
They sit in silence for a while. They both are trying to distract themselves from their nerves and instagram isn't helping too much. Dan’s hand is still on Phil’s knee and while it’s barely helping, it still provides a nice comfort.
Finally, after a billion years, they hear the click clack of high heels on the tiled floors. Phil perks up immediately, but slumps when he sees its not their social worker as the woman calls a name and takes a different family in the back.
“Dan this is hopeless. We should just go home. They'll call us when we can pick her up.”
“Phil couple of things. Number 1 they only call if its been 24 hours and Number 2 stop giving up so easily. You're the one who wanted to adopt.”
That's also true. When they were figuring out their options, Dan said that they could get a surrogate but Phil really wanted to adopt. The thought that he gets to help an already existing child makes him feel happy. Makes him feel important in a weird way.
“Can we just drop it?”
Phils not in the mood to fight right now. The pressure from waiting is killing him enough. He can't really deal with Dans semi-obnoxiousness at the moment.
“You're right. Let's just stop.”
Some more time passes. Very slowly. At one point Dan gets up to go to the bathroom. More people come inside the building as more families are taken back. Phil puts his face on his hand and starts to drift off.
Soon after, a baby crying wakes him up.
“That baby needs to stop crying or so help me god”
Dan says through gritted teeth, wanting to continue his sentence but stopping by fear of the family of the screaming brat child hearing him.
“Dan if you can't deal with that, what makes you think that we should be parents.”
Phil replies matter of factly. He’s mostly saying that to get a reaction out of Dan but also because some of that anxiety is creeping back on him.
“Maybe we should have asked for an older child. They rarely get adopted and they still need homes too.”
“Says the man who wanted a surrogate.”
“....You're the one who changed my mind.”
Dan replies in a small voice. Almost as if admitting defeat. Almost.
They didn't get a lot of sleep last night. They both were up late, too anxious to try and rest. They got here first thing in the morning, mostly because waiting to go at a more normal time wouldn't really help their nervousness.
Phil looks at the clock on the wall. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.
The more he looks at it, the slower the second hand goes. The clock is mocking him. It reminds him of school. Looking at a clock like that during a boring lesson, or an impossible test. Or that one time he got called down to the principal's office because they thought he cheated on his test (he didn’t thank you very much). It doesn't help him calm down. It only makes it worse.
Phil looks over at Dan for what feels like the thousandth time. He’s bouncing his leg while looking at his phone. Phil can't tell if he's doing that because he's fidgeting or if just because he's bored. He hopes it’s the second one.
“How much time has passed?”
“Bout a half hour.”
“Since I last checked?”
“Since we got here.”
“Do you think we should just leave and come back later?”
“Phil you asked that already. And I'm giving you the same answer as last time: No.”
Phil looks at the door. He could sneak out and get a taxi if he really wanted to. Technically both parents need to be present, but since they are just picking their child up, it doesn't seem like it would be THAT big of a deal...right? The little bell at the top is his only enemy at the moment. It would jingle if the door moved, giving away is genius escape plan. He turns his attention back to Dan. Still on his phone. Damnit. Why is he so calm during this? Well that's a lie. They both know internally Dan is freaking out but how does he compose himself so well?
Phil looks at the vending machine near the door. He can't really see what's inside, even with his contacts in. He goes and walks up to it. It's just junk food and some water. He's about to turn away but a bright wrapper red catches his eye. Skittles. Great. Now it’s tempting him. It’s waaayyyyyy too early to have sweets- besides the extra sugar won’t help him calm down. But he really wants it. Great. Now he sounds like a child.
Their child.
He starts to think. What would a parent say in this situation? He can’t believe he has to talk to himself the same way he would be talking to their child. With one last look at the colorful wrapper, he heads back to his seat on the couch with his head hung low.
“Phil Lester restraining himself from sweets? I'd never thought I would see the day. You're practically a dad now. Tsk. Tsk Tsk.”
“I don't know who I've become.”
Phil sort of meant it as a joke but it came out more like some superhero in a movie doing something bad but not realizing their consequences. He sits down but hears the click clack of high heels again. He doesn't get his hopes up. He doesn't even bother to look up.
“Mr. and Mr. Howell-Lester?”
He looks up and his social worker is standing in front of the both of them. Dan gets up immediately but it takes a second for it to register. Phil leaps out of the chair so fast he almost trips over himself. He looks over at his husband practically beaming. She begins to walk down the hallway and Dan follows her. They are off to meet their child.
Their child.