Work Text:
“I’m sick of this.”
Mark looked at his 8-months younger member in surprise. He didn’t understand why he suddenly said those words.
They were in practice room. It was just both of them.
A while ago, every NCT members were around, dancing hard to Black on Black as the day where they will perform this song in music broadcasts approaching them so fast. They danced so hard, trying to remember the whole choreography to every part of their body in order to avoid unwanted mistakes. They didn’t want to disappoint the fans who have been supporting them because a little mistake. They wanted to show a perfect performance.
Around 30 minutes ago, Taeyong suggested them to take a break because they have been practicing the song for 3 hours and the members must be tired. Not all of them were in sync anymore. Chenle wanted to eat something so he brought Jisung away. Jeno, Jaemin and Haechan were tasked to see if the two younger members were buying something or just playing around.
Well… They volunteered though.
Taeil, Winwin and Yuta were the next one to left the room. They said they ‘just’ want to go to toilet but it’s been too long for them to go to toilet so Kun went to check on them. Johnny and Jaehyun soon left as they need to do NCT Night Night. Ten and Taeyong were dancing by themselves as they want to practice more for Baby Don’t Stop on the other room. Lucas and Jungwoo followed them.
Doyoung? He dragged Lucas and Jungwoo away. If Mark didn’t hear it wrong, they followed the children.
So it left Mark and Renjun alone. The Canadian practiced some parts he wasn’t sure (or to be honest, forgot) while the Chinese stayed behind, sat in the corner while wearing an expression he couldn’t read even a bit. Renjun was known to be honest with his feelings. Thus, him wore such an expression worried Mark a lot. But he tried to not bother the younger.
Maybe he just needs a time alone.
Or probably not.
“Huh? Sick of what, Renjun-ah?”
The older sat beside the younger, looking to the mirror in front of him. Mark was afraid to see Renjun’s expression. He couldn’t see Renjun being sad or mad or anything else. The younger rarely showed any discomfort emotions. If he showed one, then he must be truly annoyed. And Mark was afraid that the younger will be unstoppable once he exploded.
Right now, he was really careful with his choice of words.
“I’m sick of pretending,” Renjun replied. He only stared at the mirror with blank expression.
“Pretending? What do you mean?”
“I don’t know if you are an idiot but I was talking about us.”
“O—kay? What’s wrong with us?”
Renjun sighed. A loud one. He seemed frustrated.
“Mark-hyung! It’s been almost one and a half year since we are dating!” Renjun said, half-screamed.
“Yeah, I know it’s been a long time. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t believe I dated an idiot.”
“Hey!”
“Hyung! You don’t understand. The members kept making you away from me. You are busy with NCT 127’s schedules for 24 hours per 7 days and even when we are having Dream schedule, the other members kept playing with you. All I want is to have a little chat with you and even though I’m your couple, I can’t even get that little privacy! I’m sick of pretending not being your boyfriend even though I am!”
Renjun pouted, looking at the other side of the room as he tried to hide his face. He seemed like on verge of tears. Mark was taken back a little, surprised by the sudden exclamation.
That’s right. It’s been one and a half year since both of them were dating. He didn’t really remember how they got close but he remembered that Chewing Gum promotion made them closer to each other.
He remembered the way he proposed to Renjun—in front of the playground close to NCT Dream’s old dorm, in front of the sunset, in front of a river, he suddenly said to Renjun that he respected the Chinese a lot for helping Chenle even though he himself struggled a lot and he thought the younger was so cute. Renjun said Mark is a really dependable older brother he admired a lot.
And Mark, being an idiot as usual, suddenly said “hey, let’s date to see if we match each other or not” and Renjun was so confused. But he didn’t decline the offer and thus, they have been dating for almost 20 months.
But through these 20 months, Mark didn’t really remember them having a date or something similar to that. They had some “private sharing session” when they are roommates but aside from that, he didn’t remember anything else. He was too busy and their off-times were never matched. Well, sometimes they did but at those times, Renjun wouldn’t be in Korea. They never had a time to just idling around with just both of them…
Now it made sense to him why he seemed frustrated. It made sense to him why these days the younger doesn’t really talk to him. He must be really mad with the whole situation.
What kind of couple who doesn’t want to be affectionate with each other?
Mark held Renjun’s small hand, entwined them with his own. This made the younger turned back a little, looking at the older while half sobbing. He truly held his tears back...
“Renjun-ah, I’m sorry for not spending time with you more. I understand your frustration and it’s my mistake for not noticing it sooner…” Mark said.
“No, Hyung is busy. I can’t even ask you because… yeah…”
“You are so understanding of me, Injun-ah. I’m sorry that I didn’t take you seriously. Despite us dating, I treated you like everyone else. Or even worse than them…”
“No… Hyung… You are busy. I understand that you won’t be able to see me like your date when we started. I know it’s inevitable… But lately I’ve been wondering if our relationship… What is our relationship actually? I love you, Mark-hyung. And I know the best that you love me back as well. I know it. Yet with what happens these past months, I couldn’t help but thinking about it…
I want to be selfish. When we started, we decided to keep our relationship within us only to not cause any unwanted ruckus. But the more we hid it, the less we have time for each other. I want to tell even just one person… Maybe Taeyong-hyung as he probably will understand us… But the more I think about it, the fear of not being accepted creeped me out… I stayed quiet and tried to think the way out but I can’t find it and the more I think about it, the more it suffocating me. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t focus on practices.
I decided to tell everything to you since you are the only other party in our relationship… I want to know your opinion, Hyung…”
Silence filled the room. Mark stared at Renjun’s eyes. He was afraid to hear the next words the younger will say.
“If we didn’t ask someone to help us, we won’t be able to work out. Should we tell someone or…
Break up?”
Sure. Break up isn’t the answer.
He couldn’t lose Renjun. Renjun is the person who keeps him stay on his track and become an unspoken support to his unending works. Sometimes, thinking about Renjun alone could make him smile and it’s been a long time since Renjun became his sole inspiration for writing lyrics. He was able to be here because Renjun supported him. Because of Renjun’s love, he was standing in where he is now. He couldn’t lose him…
But he didn’t know what he should do. Should he follow Renjun’s words and tell Taeyong about their relationship? Taeyong is an understanding person. He bet the older will be happy instead. He didn’t know about the rest but he was sure Taeyong will help them to be with each other.
For the others, Mark wasn’t sure. Especially NCT Dream members.
If Mark put some effort, maybe he can make some times to Renjun. He knew he can.
“Don’t think about making time for me. You know what comes after Black on Black promotion… I will be the one who won’t have any time for you,” Renjun said.
“Yeah. I know.”
“…What do you think?”
Mark took a deep breathe. “Look. First, I don’t want us to break up. I know it’s painful to both of us so I prefer not to think about that option yet. But telling someone else is too risky—we already talked about the possibilities when we started. Both of us are afraid of not getting accepted. I know Taeyong-hyung will accept us, he will be happy instead, but for the others… But rather than from our members, both of us knows really well if someone slipped out or unwanted parties found us dating each other, it won’t be good for NCT. That’s why we hid the whole thing.
So I tried to think a way to improve our relationship. With these little times we owned before you go to China, I want to spend time with you. If I squish my schedules, I can make time for you. Even though it’s hard, maybe I can. I just don’t want us to break up.
Thinking about losing you is too painful…”
He held Renjun’s cheeks, which was returned with a smile.
“But that’s only for a while, Hyung. You can make up for the past 29 months with one date, but you can’t prevent it to not happen again. I don’t want to lose you too. That’s why it’s hard for me to tell this…”
But both Renjun and Mark knew they didn’t have much option.
Their relationship wouldn’t work with how they are now. Renjun wouldn’t be around anymore and Mark will be very busy with future schedule in Korea. Once Mark graduated from NCT Dream, they wouldn’t have anything to keep them together except both of them are from NCT.
NCT is just a brand name. Their units are what matters.
“But I think it’s better for us to break up,” Renjun said.
“Yeah. I understand,” Mark replied.
Pain could be seen in their eyes.
“But still, can I make up for the time we have lost? I want to have a memory of us together… As a way to say sorry for what happen…”
“If you can make the time, I won’t complain.”
“Then, let’s break up after our date. I need to prepare myself.”
“Me too…”
Both of them averted their eyes as they couldn’t hold the pain any longer. The more they looked into each other’s eyes, the more painful it is. The thought of breaking up was never passed in their mind before. But it became the best option for their situation…
“Renjun-ah,” Mark called him.
“Yes?”
“Can I kiss you? You forbid it before because we aren’t legal yet but in this situation, is that still matter?”
Renjun took a time to think before nodded.
Mark looked in Renjun’s eyes before the younger closed them. He locked their lips together, not going into passionate kiss everyone has been doing. Only touching lips. He still respected Renjun’s wish for not going too much as they are still minors (at least, Renjun is by Korean age).
Their kiss didn’t last too long, but they poured their whole feelings into that one short kiss. It was sweet, Renjun admitted, but the thought of not being able doing this anymore in the future made his tears he tried hard to keep fell.
“It’s okay to cry now, Injun-ah. It must be so painful for you,” Mark said.
Renjun hugged him. As hard as he could. Didn’t want to lose the older yet he couldn’t prevent it to not happen. He cried as loud as he can. He hit Mark as hard as he could. As if it’s Mark’s mistake that they need to break out.
Mark tried his hard to not crying but in the end, he buried his head in Renjun’s head. He just let his tears fall, no hysterical screams or painful hits like what the younger did to him. Both of them felt the same pain after all.
They love of each other, yet they couldn’t work out.
They stayed like that for an hour. Renjun passed out after a while and Mark was just tired so he moved the younger to the couch and let him sleep. He watched the younger like that until Taeyong returned to the room, surprised to see their situation.
“Mark, what happen to Injunie? He seemed so tired,” the leader asked.
“As you can see, Hyung. Injun is tired so he slept,” Mark replied. He didn’t look at Taeyong’s face when he replied.
“You seemed to be in a foul mood. Did something happen between both of you?”
“Kinda.”
“Did you sort it out?”
“We did. In a way we don’t want to.”
“…Okay, I won’t ask you anymore then. Wake him up after everyone returned.”
Mark didn’t reply. He heard Taeyong played Black on Black again in low volume, afraid to wake Renjun up. Even though Mark is 100% sure that Renjun won’t be awake.
He suddenly felt curious.
“Hyung.”
“Hm?”
“If one of our members is dating another member, will you support them or tell them to break up?”
Taeyong didn’t reply immediately. Mark knew it won’t come out good.
“Mark. I know you are dating Renjun since long ago.”
…What?
“What!?” Mark looked at Taeyong, confused by the sudden exclaim.
Is this real?
“I know. Some of your lyrics reflected you are in love. You seemed fired up whenever Injunie was around and vice versa. I saw some similarities in your actions but thought probably it’s just my imagination. My curiosity revealed to be truth when Renjun asked me sometimes ago about your question just now.”
“Renjun asked about that first?”
“He asked my opinion about “his friend’s” relationship when we were doing our showcase’s rehearsal. He asked me how to fix a relationship when they didn’t have time to each other. I told him they should make time then as it was easy, but Renjun knew that’s not the answer he seek so he told me that it’s about him. I wanted him to be honest, but at that time I think he was too afraid to tell me…
Look, Mark. It’s not like I didn’t support your relationship at all. I’m really glad that you two are happy with each other. I can see clearly your genuine interest in this relationship. But I know the reason why both of you didn’t come out and told us because you are afraid the company will know and you two will be forced to break up. That’s why I stayed quiet. Even though it pained me to see Renjun seemed hard to take a breath these days.
But it’s your relationship. I can’t help you. If you want to be with each other, you can’t keep it hidden forever. Out forces will keep both of you away unless you tell someone. Or… Yeah… I’m not the best person to ask, but I know you two understand that everyone else won’t accept your relationship. Think the best for you two will be the way out. And if you are thinking to be apart…”
Taeyong’s expression didn’t show he was happy with it at all. Mark understood why Renjun didn’t ask him at that time.
“We have decided to break up after Black on Black promotion.”
“If that’s for the best, then I can’t say anything.”
The older returned to where he was supposed to be. Soon, everyone returned to the room. Mark left the room for a while to grasp a fresh air before continuing the whole breathtaking performance.
So he must be apart from Renjun, huh… He didn’t have any choice left.
If only he didn’t make that one mistake that makes Renjun thinks they should be apart. If only he noticed the younger’s loneliness. If only he noticed that Renjun needs him…
“We will break up, huh…”
He couldn’t sort his feelings. It’s all his mistakes…
So Mark stayed in the balcony, looking at the scenery in front of him while letting his tears fell once again. Didn’t want to think if Taeyong will scold him for staying out for long or Renjun worried about him like he usually do…
He just wanted to be alone.
Or probably with Renjun. With his love…
He can’t make Renjun happy, then what’s the point of protecting this sickening relationship.
.
.
As Mark kept blame himself for what happened, Renjun, who had been woken up from his sleep when Mark decided to left the room, watched Mark grieving by himself from behind and returned back to the training room when he felt the older will go back soon. He wore a sorrowful expression when he went back.
So, they must leave each other, huh?
.
.
In the end, both of them didn’t return to the practice room.