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„Well, hello again, Sparkles. Sorry for the long wait, but I had to retire a bunch of workers. Nasty job, stains all over the carpet. Anyway I thought we should chat a bit, get to know each other better. What you’re wearing looks immensely unpractical, not to mention ugly. Perfectly fits your style though. Common fashion in Ass-burg?”
These words they might have even made sense in some alternate universe , but to Thor they were only noise. Although having been in this strange place for a couple of hours now Thor was still suffering from complete sensory overload. Asgard was by no means a monotone or colourless place, he was used to bright and diverse surroundings. Not like this though. In Sakaar, if Thor had remembered the name correctly, order seemed completely absent. So many different styles and colours mingled together, creating a confusing mix that nobody seemed to be bothered with but Thor.
Yeah, there was also that thing about being tied to a chair, having his hair cut and being locked in a dungeon with a strangely friendly creature. All of that had lasted half an hour, then they had brought Thor in a room that had nothing to do with the magic circle prison. The contrast couldn’t be harsher. Big windows, a luxurious bed, and a bathroom that reminded him of the one he had had in the Asgardian palace. Something was up.
Thor had only been here for three minutes before the Grandmaster had showed up. Still looking ridiculous and with big smile on his lips. Whatever this weird guy wanted, Thor didn’t have the time to deal with it. Every second here was a second that Hela could do whatever she wanted on Asgard and Thor couldn’t have that. His responsibility and his people were counting on him.
The check was quickly done. The Grandmaster was alone, Thor wasn’t in this horrible chair. Time to get out of here.
“Nope, bad idea. You want to keep that head on your shoulders, don’t you?” The Grandmaster was actually wiggling his finger at him as Thor crashed head first into an invisible wall that definitely hadn’t been there three minutes ago.
“What sorcery is this?” Thor growled, his fingers twitching for Mjolnir. In Vain, of course. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. How else but with magic could this eccentric and strange being rule such a huge and rather aggressive place? How was Thor going to break this wall without the use of his hammer?
“Just a little trick. Don’t hurt yourself. You seem so awfully tense. Let’s have a drink.” With an almost playful smile the Grandmaster waltzed over to the bar and Thor just couldn’t stop staring with his mouth wide open. Was he now trying to amical? Out of a sudden?
“What are you doing here?”
“Wrong question, Sparkles, but don’t worry about it. Judging by the ridiculous size of your arms, you don’t spend a lot of time taking care of what is happening upstairs.”
“Did you just call me stupid?”
“Proofing my point.” The Grandmaster pulled himself a glass of purple liquid. “The actual question is what you are doing here? Because you aren’t the type who I would usually grant special treatment. I mean, look at you. Paint by numbers. The big, muscled, blonde warrior type. So boring. I am almost falling asleep looking at you. Seeing my champion tearing you into pieces would have been fun though…” Trailing off the Grandmaster seemed to be considering his options while Thor had trouble keeping up with the insults. When had the plan of him fighting in the arena had been abandoned? Was that guy even sane?
“Anyway, mentally I had already put you into a little box. Titled ‘Smashed by my champion into millions of little pieces that nobody could back to together’. But then, everything changed. Almost magically and you became the most precious thing on the dusty surface of Sakaar. Well, second most precious…”
Thor’s eyebrows almost hit his hairline as he watched the Grandmaster rambling with shining eyes. Was that lunatic coming on to him? Granted, that wouldn’t be the weirdest thing that had happened to him today.
By now the Grandmaster had settled down on the couch, crossing his legs, clearly feeling perfectly comfortable. “But then my sugar puff shows up, lightening up my dour and dreary existence… as he usually does. Being the perfect mixture of snarky and sweet… as he always is. Oh, he is just exquisite. There is so much going on. Such an expressive face. Have you seen his face? Sorry, I am swooning a bit, of course you have seen in his face. So many things to read. And his mind! How much I’d like to take a peek inside, but it’s not even necessary, because his emotions are all over the place. So many of them. I have a thing for emotions and sensation, you know? Oh, he is just a delight!”
The excitement and glee reminded Thor of a little child. Talking about expressive faces, the Grandmaster looked perfectly smitten and joyful. Thor had no idea what was going on. “I am sorry, I’m not sure I…”
Obviously the Grandmaster wasn’t listening to him, since he just continued his discourse without bothering to acknowledge Thor. “I still hardly can believe that you’re brothers. I mean, look at you. All…” The Grandmasters gestured at Thor in the most demeaning and dismissive way. “And he is that perfectly crafted mosaic of emotions, passions, suffering and pretty much everything one could ever imagine! Really, how are you related? Not that I really care. Oh, the two of us have so much to talk about!”
Thor felt as if somebody had used Mjolnir to hit him with it brutally on the back of his head. This time the message of those many, many, twisted words was quite clear and it had Thor trembling and gaping. “You… you are talking about Loki!?”
“The most interesting thing, isn’t he? You’re his brother, you already know. So tell me all about him. Details. All of them. Where did he learn to smile in that wicked way? Did he always have that ‘I don’t give a damn’ hair-cut? Oh no, tell me first how he got to be such a bag full of different emotions. One tastier and more colourful than the other. So dreamy. You never know if he wants to hug you or stab you. Absolutely lovely.”
What a sight they had to be. The Grandmaster seemed to be swooning, exhilarated enough to start dancing while Thor felt like he had fallen into a pool of ice water, slowly sinking deeper and deeper. “What are you…” Words seemingly had left him completely and the Grandmaster was still going on. “And how he sarcastically rolls his eyes! To charmingly smile at you one second later. Marvellous…” Suddenly the rush of the teenage crush faded away and the Grandmaster realised with both eyebrows raised that Thor was still standing there, staring in shock. “Why won’t you sit down and have a drink, sparkles? I like to listen to stories while drinking. Where were we? Right, your gorgeous brother. How are you related? Because he is… and you are…” The Grandmaster made a retching noise which finally pulled Thor out of his stupor.
“Whatever your… intentions are, you will stay away from my brother!” Thor gave his voice his best thunder, which he usually found to be quite impressive. The Grandmaster didn’t look intimidated but pensive. “Here we go, sparkles, now you’ve understood my problem. I just want us to be a big, happy, old-fashioned family. I need you to speak on my behalf. I would be the most fabulous brother-in-law.”
Now Thor definitely needed that drink. What had Loki been doing here for the last couple of weeks? That evil emperor wanted to marry Loki?! Worse than that, he was gashing over Loki like a young maiden and something had to be wrong with that. Had Loki used another spell? In the dungeon Loki had mentioned about getting in the Grandmaster’s favour. Oh, Thor was going to be sick…
“You alright, Sparkles? You look a little bit pale? Not the good kind though. Not like Loki.”
No, that was the last straw. Thor stalked forward, the invisible wall gone, clenching both hands into fists, feeling the power run through them. “Now listen to me carefully, you are not going to lay one finger on my little brother or I will…”
“Damn it, Sparkles, clean your ears. What would I do with one finger? That would be a waste.”
“You will not touch him, understand?!” Thor was roaring, he could hear the thunder outside of the window and in that second his wrath seemed to make up for the loss of Mjolnir.
Any creature would have shied away, shuddering in fear and the Grandmaster remained sitting, sipping on his drink, looking utterly bored. “Wow, you’re really all ‘In your face’ with your anger, right? So dull… You only have like two emotional states and then you present them like this? Where is the mystery? Growing up must have been so hard for you, everybody so much more interested in your brother than you.”
Thor’s mouth dropped open. “Did Loki say that?”
“No, why should he have to? Just look at the two of you, it’s obvious. Anyway, so much talking and I haven’t said anything yet. I guess that happens when I talk about Loki… so easy to get distracted. Since we’re all going to be one big family, I am going to work with you, Sparkles. Unfortunately and for some reason that I fail to understand, Loki is constantly resisting my completely honourable advances-“
“Oh thank the Nornes.” Thor let out a long breath of relief which the Grandmaster easily ignored. “Therefore I need your help and gracious as I am, I have decided that you are going to give me all the information that I need to charm him out of his socks… and preferably all that leather he likes to wear all the time.”
“I am not hearing any of this.”
“And since we’re going to be a family I am not sending you to fight the champion who would rip you into pretty little confetti.”
“I prefer the champion, thank you very much.”
Clicking his tongue the Grandmaster shook his head. “A pity. Because if you had turned out to be helpful, I would have gladly given you a spaceship to fly back to Ass-burg at super-speed, because we’re family and I help out my dear ones.”
Transport back to Asgard? Thor needed to be there yesterday and here was the opportunity handed to him on a silver plate. What did the Grandmaster really want? Advice on how to get a date with Loki. Thor could provide that, Loki could still say no. So no problem there…
“You get my finest ship the very second we exchange our vows.”
Thor’s face fell and his stomach clenched. That took way too much time and since Loki was involved, things could only go wrong. Hel, Loki could be in love with the Grandmaster, he wouldn’t admit it just to spite Thor or to hinder him getting back to Asgard. “I’ll get you a date.”
“Engagement.”
“One date.”
“Sparkles, I don’t think you understand how things are working here. Yes, we’re a family, but I am a lot closer to Loki than to you. No negotiations here, Sparkles. You help me out with your knowledge or get my champion and then the melting stick. Or the other way round, I really don’t care.”
Thor wasn’t sure if somebody had switched places with the Grandmaster, because that personality shift was scary. Out of a sudden, he was stern, serious and cold.
Although he had no doubt that he beat the champion, Thor couldn’t pass on the opportunity to get a direct way to Asgard. He’d only have to find a way to talk to Loki and they’d figure this out. Hadn’t Loki said that he wanted to find a way to the top, this could only be in his interest, right?
Thor didn’t feel particularly good about this, but all of Asgard was at stake?
“Alright, I help you out.”
“Lovely!” Instantly the Grandmaster was all smiles again and before Thor knew what was happening, he was pulled into a tight embrace. A glass was pushed into his hand and the Grandmaster gestured him to sit down. “I need to know everything! Every little detail! Childhood memories, favourite food, favourite colour he uses to paint his nails, favourite thing to turn into, favourite way to kill people, I am so excited! Come on, tell me! He’s so secretive and intense! What does he like?”
Rather unsurely Thor shifted his eyes, clearing his throat. “He’s uhm…”
“Yes?”
Bright, excited eyes were looking at him and Thor had no idea what to say.
“He’s…”
“Tell me!”
“Loki likes stabbing people.”
What was wrong with Thor? How could that be the first thing that came to his mind? He was supposed to make Loki sound like the most perfect creature in all the nine realms and he immediately shone a light on Loki’s crazy tendencies.
It was foolish of him to not expect the Grandmaster reacting the way that he did. With a smile full of glee and delight and the eyes of an excited kid. “Oh, he is so perfect…”
Thor should be damned, but suddenly he had the feeling that maybe they wouldn’t be that bad of a match…