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They were just doing what teenagers do.
Which, honestly, was a first for Hisoka.
But Tsubaki didn't need to know about that. Didn't need to know just how many hangups and traumas Hisoka held close in his soul. She knew he was a shinigami now, that much he couldn't keep from her any longer, in his desperation to make her understand, in his desperation to convince her about her beloved doctor.
And now, here the two were, in a hallway among the ship, in each other's arms.
Hisoka had happened upon her, needing to persuade her not to visit Muraki's room again, that it would do her no good, as much as she wished and hoped he wasn't really dead.
Her head had drooped, and tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke such words aloud.
Hisoka didn't know what to do. He was no good at comforting anyone.
And yet.
Here he was. Feeling like that was just what he had to do. He had to comfort her, his heart ached for her, and he had never felt quite like this before.
Tsuzuki had teased him about it, just a little, the other day.
Hisoka hurriedly tried to remember scenes of comfort from any show he's watched, or any book he's read, and while he wasn't sure how accurate it was, he tried his best to emulate it, tried his best to seem like a normal human being who knew how to care for other human beings.
He hugged her, wrapping his arms around her carefully, not at all rough.
She was surprised, and Hisoka didn't know where to go from there, but was relieved when she wrapped her arms around him, confirming the gesture as appropriate.
She had nuzzled into his shoulder a little, and he could feel a strange tug in her own emotions.
"Hisoka?" She pulled her face back, trying to look up at him, so he positioned himself in a way for her to do so.
"Yes?"
But she said nothing else, only staring him in the eyes.
Hisoka couldn't help reaching a hand towards her face, to tuck a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. She reached up and held his hand in hers, and his first thought was that perhaps she didn't want him to do that.
That the touch was probably too intimate.
Because really, they didn't even know each other hardly.
Even though she had already kissed him once.
And then she leaned in and did it again.
Except this time, instead of it being just the quick peck from before, Hisoka kissed back, letting his curiosity and impulse take over.
She let go of his hand to place one along the back of his neck, and the other in the hair by his ear. Hisoka meanwhile, left his one hand where it was wrapped around her, and braced his free one against the wall behind her.
If it was what Tsubaki wanted to do, and Hisoka was also curious about it, then where was the harm?
And it was fairly enjoyable, he found.
She was soft, and she smelled nice, and she was very kind and gentle. He imagined that if things were different, his parents would have approved of her.
Not that he would ever want to bring her to that messed up home of his childhood.
But, he imagined, if things were different, then he would, and his parents would approve of her, and her father would approve of him too. Why wouldn't he? They were both proper children, raised in proper households, with great minds and kind hearts.
And then all of a sudden the kiss was over, and Hisoka was left with whiplash, wondering why it had stopped. He had spent too much time daydreaming about his what-if, that he hadn't had time to savor it in the least.
But she was still smiling, and she grabbed his wrist and pulled him down the hallway, where he followed dumbly. She could lead him wherever she wanted, and he would follow.
.
.
.
It was her room she had brought him to.
"Princess Tsubaki?"
"You don't have to call me 'princess' right now." She said gently, her voice so easy on his ears. It was calm, and soothing, and somehow he thought that he could fall asleep to her voice, and if he did so, there was no way he'd sleep badly or have any nightmares.
"Can you kiss me like that again?" She asked, hands reaching up again to Hisoka's neck and jaw.
He blinked down at her, and when he realized she began undoing the tie around his neck, a part of him understood.
He lifted a hand and took the flower from her hair, setting it on the nearby table. Then, again, lifted his hand to her hair, brushed his fingers through its silky-soft texture, and leaned in to kiss her, initiating it first this time, even though it was at her request.
She managed to undo his tie and pulled it from underneath the collar of his shirt, next undoing the buttons on his shirt.
He let her, because after all, isn't this what teenagers did? They made out in quiet hallways while no one was looking. They snuck away from everything loud going on outside. They hid away in their room with each other and fooled around.
That's what Hisoka thought.
This is what teenagers do.
And it felt so... Normal. And he was eager to try normal, just for once. It caused a small sense of worry through him, that he would screw up, just as he felt he always did, and she would see just how much of an outsider he was. She would see that he's not normal.
He wondered if she could taste it in his mouth, how unnatural his life had been. How hard. How cruel. How twisted.
If she did, she didn't say anything.
When his shirt was entirely unbuttoned, she pushed it down from his shoulders where it bunched up around his elbows, forcing him to finish taking it off himself. The cuffs were a slim cut, so it was hard to pull it off without unbuttoning them, but he managed to slide his wrists through it, not caring how horribly the shirt would wrinkle as he let it drop to a mess on the floor.
She looked at him, looked at the tank top he had worn underneath his shirt, and his bare arms and bare collarbone.
Hisoka averted his eyes. "I had more muscle when I was alive."
She smiled and shook her head. "You don't have to feel so shy." She said, as if she was the empath in the room. "Besides... It's my first time too."
It left an ashy taste in his mouth, the assumption that he was a virgin like she was, which -due to her savior of a doctor- was untrue. He didn't want her to know about it. Didn't want to upset her again, screw things up again, didn't want to be ostracized again... Not again.
"Oh, but, you're a boy, so maybe you have had special girlfriends before, huh?" She said, laughing in embarrassment at her assumption.
"Ah, no." Hisoka said. "I've... I've never had any kind of girlfriend before." Which wasn't a lie, so it felt easier to say than the complete truth.
"But wait, you've never had a boyfriend before?"
"Is it so hard to believe?"
"But you're so-!" The word cute was on his tongue, but he wondered if it was the right thing to say. Girls like cute things, so they liked being called cute right? But in this type of atmosphere, should he say sexy instead? Somehow that word felt even worse, so he quickly decided on the former.
"So.... Cute."
"You think I'm cute?" Then she smiled softly, a faint pink on her cheeks.
"Is it so hard to believe?" He echoed her words back at her.
Her soft smile turned into a wider grin, and she again pulled him close, running her hands up his back under his shirt.
He flinched at first, perhaps expecting for some reason her hands to be cold, but they weren't. They were soft and warm, and for the first time Hisoka worried his skin would feel rough to her perfect hands.
Hisoka had his reservations, but wanted to ignore them. Wanted to become normal just for a little while. He deserved at least a few hours of normal, right?
He pulled his tank top over his head and let it drop to the floor with his shirt.
Tsubaki pressed a kiss to his shoulder before pulling him to the bed, where the two got comfortable, taking their shoes off before they got on.
"I want to do this, but I'm feeling a little shy so... Do we think we could use the covers?"
Hisoka nodded. If it made her more comfortable, then he had no issues with it. Underneath the blankets, the two took off the remainder of their clothes, and aided by the growing heat, things took off pretty easily from there.
Hisoka had tried to squash the sparks of fear in his heart at doing this for the first time, and became disgusted with himself when he tried to think about how Muraki had done it to him.
He nearly made himself gag at the thought.
He didn't want to be like him.
He wanted Tsubaki to look at him, and love him, and never think of Muraki ever again. He wanted to save her from the doctor's cruel hands. That was a nicer thought. That if he could somehow save her, or protect her, then he would do just about anything.
So he tried to slow down a little, and breath, and remember that Tsubaki had no prior experience either. So they were both new to it, in a way, and could learn together.
"Like that?"
"Ah- Maybe if you-"
"Oh wait, wait-"
"There!"
"Ah-"
Their breathing had became heavier and harder, for both of them, and a part of Hisoka was really enjoying how in tandem it was.
Tsubaki reached up and intertwined her fingers in his hair, pushing his bangs from his face, and pulling him close. Hisoka had never been pressed chest-to-chest with a girl before, and the feeling shocked him a little. It was strange, not in a particularly bad way, and with each thrust their chests rubbed against each other.
Kinda.... Fluffy? Hisoka thought vaguely.
Tsubaki kissed his neck, trying not to get too loud, in case anyone were to walk by and hear them, and Hisoka was vaguely aware of her nipping at his neck too.
He had lost himself in the passion, really. A bomb could go off, and Hisoka was sure he wouldn't even notice. He was too focused on everything Tsubaki.
And when they were done, both satisfied and breathing hard, Hisoka flopped down beside her, blanket still covering his lower torso, and his hands on the pillow beside his head.
"Be right back. Bathroom." Tsubaki mumbled, voice thick and tired just as much as he was.
"I won't look." Hisoka said, laying a hand over his eyes, unsure if she was still shy about him seeing her body in the light.
She chuckled. "Okay!"
Hisoka laid there, moving his hand off his eyes and stared at the ceiling.
Had he done it right?
Would she be able to tell if he did something wrong?
When Muraki attacked me that night, I was a virgin, and I still knew it was wrong...
His heart skipped a beat painfully in his chest and he bit his lip. Had he screwed it up after all?
He sat up slowly, eyebrows pulled together in worry, as he stared blankly at his hands resting now in his lap.
He heard Tsubaki exit the bathroom and he looked up.
"Did I-" He started, but was cut off by her exclamation in shock.
"You said you wouldn't look!"
He blushed red and looked back at his lap. "Sorry!"
He waited until she crawled back under the covers next to him, holding the blanket up to her chest as she sat beside him.
"I was looking at your face, if it matters." He mumbled.
She didn't actually look all that bothered. "You were about to say something?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat. "If I did something bad, would you tell me?"
She blinked at him, eyes so wide and pure and innocent.
What made him think he deserved to share in such a pure and innocent soul, with his wretched and foul one?
"You didn't do anything bad." She said. "At least... I had fun anyway. Don't be such a worrywart, Hisoka!"
"Okay."
"Smile, won't you? You're such a serious guy."
He tried, honestly tried, and gave her a soft smile. He thought he probably looked like a dork, but she seemed happy anyway.
"You're too nice, Hisoka." She said then. "You do everything I ask."
"The one time I argued with you, you slapped me outside in the rain."
She giggled. "Oh, yeah, huh? Sorry about that. I just thought you were being unnecessarily rude that time. Are you still mad about that?"
"I'm not mad at all. I felt bad that I made you mad at me is all."
"Yup! Just like I said, you're too nice! You can deny my requests, you know."
"What for? If it's something I can do, then I'll do it. I like doing things for you, Tsubaki, because I like you."
Immediately after he said it, he held a hand up to his mouth and looked the opposite direction to where Tsubaki was, face hot.
"Geez, what am I saying...?"
She leaned her head on his shoulder. "I like you too."
Just like that, they were just two teenagers having a good time again. They were holding hands, laying down face to face as they told each other stories.
"You know... I bet our absence has been noticed." Hisoka said, playing with Tsubaki's fringe with his free hand. Tsubaki had her head on his arm, and that hand was tracing small shapes on the base of her neck.
"No one's come looking for us yet, so it'll be fine for another hour or two at least. Besides, you look like you could fall asleep."
"I could."
"We could get dressed, and then if someone comes, we won't have to panic."
"I won't look." Hisoka said once again, covering his eyes.
So Tsubaki got up, and tossed Hisoka's clothes at him so he could get dressed while she did.
He didn't bother with the collared shirt for now, as it would only get horribly wrinkled if he napped in it. But he was now wearing his tank top and pants at least.
Being that it was Tsubaki's room, she dressed in something different, something more casual, before getting back in bed, under the covers that Hisoka held up for her.
She held her arms out for him to come closer, and he did, now laying his head on her arm this time. She pet and smoothed his hair, and he nuzzled into her.
"If you were a cat, I think you'd be purring right now." She giggled.
"Hmm..." He hummed. "Could you tell me another story?"
"Let's see... Okay, how about the one where me and momma went to the beach? I was probably around 3 or 4 years old at that time..."
.
.
.
Hisoka was right, earlier, when he said it was a voice he could fall asleep to. He dreamt of nothing, and it was the most peaceful and refreshing nap he'd had in ages.
What woke him a few hours later was the odd electronic sounds of a cellphone.
He let himself lay in half-awake bliss for a few minutes more, thinking just how nice the whole situation had been.
I suppose this is a bad thing, seeing as once the mission is over we'll probably never see each other again.
The thought made him sad, and he realized that as much as he liked Tsubaki, he never should have allowed himself to act on those feelings.
Now they were both going to be sad.
But, he also felt that spark of defiance and rebellion deep in his heart.
What if I didn't tell anyone? We could call each other and stuff right? So what's the big deal? Besides, she knows Muraki, and I have to make sure he doesn't do anything to her. Marriage isn't an option, since I'm dead but...
So really, I'm just be wasting her time, right?
But really! She knows this, and she still likes me! So what if we drift apart eventually, if it's fine NOW, then it's fine for now, isn't it?
So I can be her long distance boyfriend for a while, can't I?
There's no harm done in going out to lunch now and again, or going out to a movie together, or calling her my girlfriend, is there? We can give each other chocolates for Valentine's Day and White Day and call each other by those gross pet names...
The electronic sounds were beeping again, and he was sure he heard a fake shutter sound. He opened his eyes and grabbed her wrist, mere inches from his face.
"Whatcha doin'?" He asked sleepily, pulling the phone from her hand and looking at the screen. There was a picture of Hisoka sleeping just seconds before. He blushed.
"Ah, no, delete it!" He said, trying to figure out where the options menu was on her phone.
Taking pity on him, she held her hand out for the phone, and let him watch as she deleted it.
"I didn't think you'd mind so much." She said, a little bit sad.
He wanted to cave, but it was also something he didn't really like. And he remembered her teasing him about accepting her requests so easily.
"Just... Not while I'm sleeping. If you take one now, it's not so bad."
She thought about it, pouting a little, before smiling. "Okay, deal!"
She held the phone up and told him to smile for the picture. He did so, and she seemed quite pleased with the photo of the two of them.
"Do you have a number I can send it to?" She asked.
He didn't have a cellphone, usually just relying on Tsuzuki's. But. He didn't want Tsuzuki to get the picture before he could get to Tsuzuki.
"Um, email is better. Will that work?"
She nodded and he rattled off the email address, technically for work only, but no one but him accessed it anyway.
Afterwards, with a reluctant-sounding sigh, he pulled himself out of the bed and started to put on his collared shirt.
"I need to go make sure Tsuzuki isn't boozing it up, or causing fires or something." He said.
"Okay." She said easily, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching him.
He buttoned up his shirt and glanced at her. "You-" He took a breath and grabbed his tie, slinging it around and underneath his collar. He swallowed thickly as he began tying it.
"Do you- If you're not busy later, I mean... Dinner? With me? Um...." He ran a hand through his hair, catching in a few tangles.
"Wait, let me try that again." He sighed, feeling angry at himself.
Just talk like a fucking normal human being for once...
She smiled at him. "I'd love to have dinner with you tonight, yes. But if something comes up and you can't make it, I'll understand."
Hisoka's shoulders slumped and he stared at her. He crossed the distance between them in just a few long strides, put his hands on either side of her face, and leaned in close.
"How are you so good?" It was honestly a question he wanted to know the answer to, but he knew she would take it as just a sentimental thing to say, and that was exactly all he wanted her to think it was.
She smiled and gave him a peck on the lips. "He's probably worried sick about you, y'know." She reminded. "So, go, go!"
He let her shoo him off, and when he opened the door to her room, he turned and gave her a short glance. She waved at him, and he couldn't help waving back before leaving, shutting the door behind him.
.
.
.
Hisoka only walked down a few hallways until he actually ran straight into Tsuzuki, leaving from Hisoka's own room (which Hisoka allowed Tsuzuki to stay in if he wanted to).
Tsuzuki looked at him, opened his mouth to say something, shut it, and opened it again.
"Did you get in a fight?" Tsuzuki asked.
"What? No?" Hisoka was shocked. It was quite the exact opposite, and he wondered how Tsuzuki could have missed the mark by so much.
Tsuzuki tugged on his shoulders, pulling him gently, to stand in front of a mirror hanging in the hallway.
Hisoka saw his hair was in complete disarray, his bangs pushed back from his face, except on one side where it trailed in front of his ear.
"Just a new look for you then?" Tsuzuki asked. "It's actually kinda cool. Very rich-kid-on-a-cruise-ship."
Though he said that, Hisoka quickly ran his hands through his hair, shuffling his bangs back where they always were.
He wondered if Tsuzuki could see how flustered he was.
He wondered if he couldn't tell what he had just done, or if he did, and he just wasn't saying anything.
Hisoka stared at his reflection a moment longer, seeing that his hair was back in its usual form.
For good measure, Tsuzuki felt the need to ruffle it up himself, laughing as Hisoka swatted at his hand.
Then, with a sudden air of seriousness, Hisoka held his fists at his sides.
"If I looked like a rich kid before, what do I look like now?" He asked.
Tsuzuki blinked at him. "Well... You just look like Hisoka now."
Hisoka frowned.
Tsuzuki watched him, his partner ever a mystery to him. "You know, it's important to be yourself, Hisoka. If you look like you, then that should be a good thing."
"Do I look normal?"
"Hm..." Tsuzuki hummed a short tune. "You look like normal-you, which is the only normal anyone can ever look. I look normal-for-me, and Tatsumi looks normal-for-him. If you try to look like someone you're not, it doesn't look normal."
It was a pep talk, and Hisoka appreciated it somewhat, though it wasn't quite what he wanted to hear. He said nothing, instead going on to ask Tsuzuki if he found out anything new regarding the case, and deflecting his questions about where Hisoka had disappeared to.
.
.
.
Before he knew it, the next thing he remembered was sitting in a helicopter next to Tsuzuki. It was bizarre. One moment, Tsubaki was possessed by Eileen, spilling the whole entire plot with the organ trafficking and how everyone was involved, and then Muraki had come in with a gun, and then everything moved in slow motion for Hisoka after that.
And then he blinked, and opened his eyes, and realized he was staring at his hands, covered in Tsubaki's blood. He clenched his fingers up and cried his eyes out, aware that he was saying something but couldn't remember what it was as soon as it was out of his mouth.
And Tsuzuki put a hand on his shoulder, and Hisoka looked up at him, and was immediately enveloped in his arms, and he was crying in his shoulder
Hisoka had never been held so tight before, and he felt like if Tsuzuki let go, he would fall apart.
Thankfully, he knew he could trust Tsuzuki to hold him just as long as he needed, and then maybe just a bit more, until Hisoka was the one to break off the contact, and only then he would know that it was safe to let go.
Hisoka had a rough next few weeks, and he initially refused the offer to take some time off. Being alone with nothing to do sounded horrid to him, and he wanted nothing more than to take his mind off of it by working in the chaotic office.
But it was still hard, and he zoned out sometimes, though no one said anything. Tsuzuki tried to be helpful, but Hisoka was being cold to him again, and brushing off his kindness.
Hisoka did end up taking two days off, but returned to work still in a similar frame of mind.
Hisoka stared down at the paperwork on his desk, twirling the pen in his fingers.
What did she say...?
It was about Tsuzuki...
He remembered everything more clearly now that some time had passed. He felt a little heartbroken that she had faked being in love with him, and then he wondered if she had laid it on so thick that he hadn't really loved her himself, but only felt that way because of her feelings bleeding through his empathy.
She said she was sorry, but that Tsuzuki was the one who really loved me.
He glanced at his partner in the corner of his eyes, focusing on his own work, but also munching on small chocolate candies with his free hand.
Hisoka remembered that Tsubaki had been so kind to him, had said she liked him, and realized it was all a lie. And it hurt. He was played, and manipulated. He hated it. He hated dishonesty. He hated liars.
He let his mind wander for just a few seconds, replacing Tsubaki in his memories with Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki saying he liked him, Tsuzuki pulling his shirt off his shoulder, Tsuzuki holding him in bed and petting his hair.
And it was all a lie. A lie, a lie, a LIE.
His throat felt tight and he felt angry now.
You can't play me like that, and then tell me that it's someone else who loves me! I can't... Just... Do that again. Never again. Never, never, never....
Hisoka let the pen fall from his hand and he leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms above his head. He stood up after, grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair.
"I'm going to the training hall. Call me if something comes in."
"Oh, sure." Tsuzuki said, looking up. "You've been going there a lot lately."
"....So?"
Tsuzuki grinned at him. "Soon you'll have a bunch of muscle and be very strong!"
Hisoka rolled his eyes. Shinigami couldn't build muscle. "Stupid."
"Oh, wait, it looks like you have an email though!"
Hisoka paused, and leaned over the desk to the computer, a clunky desktop that was pushed as far away as the desk allowed. Most of their work wasn't digital, so they hardly used them.
Tsuzuki, reading over his shoulder as he clicked on it, hummed. "Is it spam? The subject line is just a bunch of symbols and smiley faces, and the sender is written in English letters. Can you read English?"
Hisoka shoved him, which caused the chair Tsuzuki was in to roll away, and he clutched the edge of the desk to save himself.
"Don't read it." Hisoka chastised. He didn't know what it was supposed to be, but he clicked on it anyway, seeing the icon for an attachment.
But the email looked normal enough, even in English letters.
There was no message in the body of the email, but when Hisoka clicked on the attachment, his breath died in his chest.
It was the photo Tsubaki had taken of the two of them, when Hisoka had given her his email address.
He grit his teeth, and in a fit of rage, permanently deleted it, signed out of the computer and took a breath.
"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked quietly, sensing his partner's anger.
Hisoka, wanting to get all his anger out somehow, clenched his fists, inhaled, teeth clenched together, and...
Let his breath out before he did something dumb, or broke something in the office.
"See you later." Hisoka grumbled, storming out of the office, towards the training hall where he could work out his anger in a better way.
Tsuzuki watched him go, worried. He knew Hisoka had seemed to develop some feelings for Tsubaki, and he knew Hisoka had complied with her request to hasten her death, so Tsuzuki could only worry. Watch and worry. And hope. Hope that Hisoka could handle this, and hope that he'd come to Tsuzuki if it got too bad.
Because everyone had a breaking point, and Tsuzuki didn't know where Hisoka's was, but he wondered if it was getting close.