Chapter Text
He doesn’t remember the exact moment he started seeing her, she was simply just there. He knows the reason, though. Maybe in one of those nights, the ones he so desperately tries to forget, the ones where the sadness and the loneliness got to him. He’s sure that, during one of those nights, he wished he wasn’t alone- like he normally does-, that someone out there could hold him tight, make those feelings go away.
He has had a lot of those nights lately, maybe that’s why he can’t pin point the exact moment she came to him, like an angel would. He admits, that sometimes he wishes he could still fall back in his old patterns, to snort some lines of morphine and make everything better- even if only for a night. How great would it be, to be able to feel numb again, to be able to sit on his couch looking at the wall, without any negative feelings in his heart.
But he can’t, not now. Not when he’s planning something big, something that the world needs. Maybe he can finally be the hero he use to dream of being, to save the people without fucking up everyone’s life. Plus, at least now he has Darlene.
Elliot keeps staring out of the window of the subway, not looking at anything in particular. He can feel her presence next to him, keeping all the loneliness at bay. In a way, he’s grateful he created her, he never feels truly alone in her presence. But he knows that this isn’t healthy, that he shouldn’t create illusions, and much less indulge them. But how could he not, when her presence makes him feel so safe?
Sometimes at night, he lets his imagination run free. He tries to imagine what her touch feels like. To him, she’s always warm, even in the winter. Her skin feels soft against his. At the beginning, it wasn’t much. Maybe she was just laying next to him, with warm eyes and a kind smile, almost like a silent reminder that he wasn’t alone, and that he wouldn’t be anymore. That’s all she was at first, a random face that radiated warmth and companionship. She was a friend that could never leave him.
But now, things have changed. He would see her more often, not only at night when he couldn’t hold it inside anymore. She was always there, next to him, silently watching with kind eyes.
He never told Darlene, if he did she would urge him to take his meds, and he couldn’t do that. Not only would he lose her, but also Mr. Robot. And he needed them both, especially now.
When the subway finally stopped, Elliot seemed to snap out of his daze. This was his stop and when he left, he left alone.
The walk to his apartment was quick and direct. The sky was dark and he could tell that it was about to rain. When he finally got home, he shrugged off his bag and called for flipper- he still needed to walk her.
While putting the leash, he ignored the presence in his house, and her kind warm eyes as she silently watches him leave, never saying a word.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, Elliot couldn’t sleep. This wasn’t exactly new but the reason behind was: he didn’t want to see her. He knew she wouldn’t just go away; his mind never did work like he wanted it to. If he closed his eyes she would be there, smiling at him.
Months ago, he would have welcomed that smile, anything to stop feeling the sadness within. But now, he had finally started to see the problem with seeing her every day and everywhere or in seeking comfort in her and not in real people. He was slowly falling in love with his own creation.
The worse was that he didn’t even notice. Everything was different with Shayla; he had cared very much for her, but it never got to love, they were simply healing together. But here, she had already cared for him and he knew immediately he could count on her, even if she wasn’t real. She was created in a moment of weakness, one he hoped he wouldn’t have very often, that being a reason he didn’t name her. If he did, she would become a regular appearance in his life. And he couldn’t have that.
Despised never naming her, she kept coming. Every time he felt alone, she was there. What he most liked about her (and probably the reason he even created her) was the way she looked at him. It wasn’t a look of pity, but one of love. She looked at him like he was the only one (and since he created her, he assumed it was right) in the room and that no matter what, she would be there. And so far, she had.
At some in the middle of his thoughts, he did eventually fell asleep. And like a curse, there she was.
He was in the same place, in the bed, the only difference was the person next to him. Everything about her seemed foggy, except her arms and face. When he looked into her warm eyes, she smiled and he could feel his heart beating a bit faster. She came closer to him and her arms went around him like a warm blanket, keeping him warm and safe.
Her touch felt so real, so warm, so inviting, so pure. He couldn’t handle himself, he let go and turned to her. They were only centimeters apart and that how they stayed for what felt like seconds. He could see every single detail of her face. His eyes swept through her features, from her eyes to her eyelashes, to her eyebrows and cheeks and lips, settling in the last one for a few seconds. They looked perfect, smiling just for him and conjuring an invisible invitation that he didn’t know if he could deny.
Quickly he looked into her eyes only to find out she had never stopped looking at him. Her eyes still held their signature warm and kindness, but now they were so intense that Elliot couldn’t simply look away.
He tried to refrain himself of thinking of her in this way. After all, she was an illusion. But at this moment she felt so real, with her arms around him burning his cold skin and her face only centimeters apart. He could even feel her cold and heavy breathing exiting her nose. How could he deny himself what he most desired at the moment? Especially when it was, quite literally, in front of him?
Slowly, he moved one of his hands to touch her cheek, with the other staying on her waist. As his hand touched lightly her cheek, she closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. A movement so human like this, could only conform his suspicions- she was really here with him and he had her warm body to confirm it.
His entire skin felt like he was on fire, she was here, it wasn’t an illusion. His thumb slowly massage her cheek, while she kept her eyes closed, bringing one of her hand to hold his in place. And he could feel it, he could feel it all. And oh, god how it felt.
Her touch was better than morphine or any drug. After what felt like forever, she opened her eyes, and it was all still there- the warmth, the kindness and the intensity. His eyes search hers for a second, before he started to lean in. He didn’t need to lean in much, just a little and their lips would touch.
She closed her eyes when she started to feel his breath right on her lips, but he kept his open, as in a desperate attempt to make sure she was real, that she didn’t go away, and so far, she was still here. Next to him, where he truly believes was where she belonged.
Their lips were so close that he could almost taste them. In a last attempt to be closer, her arm that was still around his shoulder started to bring him to her and he did the same with his arm in her waist.
Before their lips met, she sighed in what Elliot would assume was contempt and it was only then that he closed his eyes and leaned in.
He didn’t know exactly what he expected, not fireworks or other cliches, after all he had kissed other girls, but after all that, he expected at least some of her signature warmth, and not the cold feeling of his pillow.
He felt stupid now, of course it was a dream, after all she wasn’t real, he knew that. Every night was the same, it was like his brain didn’t learn the lesson. Every night she would come to him and seduce him with her love and comfort. And every night he felt for it, thinking it was real.
Slowly he got up and noticed the cold atmosphere around him. In his dream, he was almost too warm to handle, and everything around him was hot. But now, his entire apartment felt cold and empty and he knew why. It was missing her presence.
He couldn’t handle it anymore; this was destroying him. No matter how much he didn’t want to, he knew he had to take his medication.
Determined, he got up and walked to the kitchen, quickly grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He hesitated for a few seconds, after all if he did this he would not only make her disappear (even if only temporary) but also Mr. Robot. He found it odd that Mr. Robot hasn’t been around for the week, and specially now to stop him. But he also understood the meaning. Even Mr. Robot knew that she was a problem disguised as a solution. She needed to disappear, so he could concentrate on the important. He needed to take down Whiterose and he couldn’t do it if he continued to dream so desperately of someone who isn’t real. He needed his mind clean and ready, not filled with the desire of her presence. It was his only solution for now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a week later, while he walked Flipper, that he saw her again. But he knew something was wrong about it.
He knew his medication was working, like it always does, so his first feeling was confusion, followed with a warm feeling that Elliot would not admit to have felt when he saw her again. No matter how much something deep down begged him to see her again, to dream of her touch, he would always deny it. This was for his own good.
But what truly alarmed him, was the fact that she wasn’t by his side, like she would normally be. No, she was sitting outside of some old building, looking at the tree in front of her. Nothing about her seemed the same. She wasn’t foggy like usual, but very real. she wasn’t in the regular black regular clothes, so similar to his own, but with blue jeans and a yellow shirt. And what truly made his decision- that this wasn’t an illusion, that somehow she had to be real- was her eyes. In his mind, she had her classic warm and kind eyes that always seem to make his mood just a bit more bright. Those eyes, always warm and welcoming that would guide him out of the really bad nights. Those eyes, that were not sad and lost.
There was no way she was just an illusion created in his mind, never in his life would he imagine her sad.
As if she could feel his intense staring, she looked at him and for that split second his body was on fire. She was here, she was really here, but that was impossible.
Quickly he looked away, deciding to look at the ground while Flipper sniffed intensely a tree only a few meters from her. Elliot used this time to think. After all, the girl he had been seeing, that give him comfort and love when nothing else could, that was with him during the nights, was right there. How could she? He was sure he was awake, he even pinched himself. And his medication was working, he knew that. Then how could she possibly be here? His heart was racing with all the possibilities and there was only one that made sense.
He had read somewhere that someone couldn’t simply create a new face, in all their dreams, the faces of the people around them was someone they knew, even if they had only seen them once in the street. Perhaps he saw her somewhere, when she was wearing all back and had warm and kind eyes. Maybe she even helped him, he couldn’t remember, but of course that wasn't new.
What would he do now? She was real and she was in front of him. A change like this wouldn’t come again, what would he say to her? He couldn’t just say the truth, she would run away and he wouldn’t even blame her, if someone told him that they had been dreaming of him for at least 3 months he would also run away. He has to approach her calmly, maybe ask her for her phone? Say he needed to call someone.
No she wasn’t someone he found and decided to hack, she was the someone he had dreams with for the longest time. Maybe he can ask for the time or even maybe he can-
“Hey dude, your dog is shitting on the sidewalk” Elliot’s eyes snapped up, so fast he even saw her jump a bit.
He never heard her voice before, and it was something he didn’t know he needed until he did. She had a sweet voice, and he can even imagine how she would sound in the night, with only them in the apartment surrounded by the dark of the night, whispering sweet nothings to each other. He always found that expression lame and unrealistic, but when he paired it with her, it seemed like heaven.
She looked expectantly to him and only then did he realized that he had been quiet while looking at her for too long.
“Huh?” Was all he could say and immediately felt like an idiot. Only now did her actual words seemed to be processed by his brain and he put the panic and the shock in the back of his head, concentrating instead on the dog who had just, in fact, shitted in the side walk.
“shit” He muttered. He started to feel his pockets but didn’t found anything that could help him.
His eyes went back to the girl and he opened his mouth, but nothing left it. He had no idea what to ask her, maybe she had something with her?
Apparently, he didn’t need to say anything, since she seemed to sense his silent plea, and nodded her head.
She sighs and gets up, looking at him in the eyes with a bit annoyance in them.
“Stay there” she says, even if a bit useless in Elliot’s opinion. He didn’t think he could leave without at least knowing her name.
After a few awkward moment of looking between the open door of the apartment building she went through and Flipper, she finally emerges with a roll of toilet paper.
She starts walking towards him and he feels a slight panic build up in his chest. As she gets closer, he can smell her perfume in the air (he’s sure he never smelled anything better in his life) and he can see the dark circles around her eyes, so big that they could rival his. He desperately wanted to ask what’s wrong, but then remembered that this connection he feels is only on his head, and that in real life they might have never met.
“Thanks” he says has she finally reaches him, handing him the roll.
“ Its all I could find. Im guessing he normally doesn’t do it in the side walk?” She was so close he could smell her toothpaste.
“She” he corrected without looking at her, instead starting to unroll the paper and crouching.
“Right. She.” The girl repeated as she stood there. After seeing him struggle for a second she adds “ You know I could hold her leash for a second, might be more convenient”
He looks at her for a second before nodding, passing her the leash and muttering a thanks. She simply nods as she takes it, and for a moment, he felt her fingers coming in contact with his and he was so happy to feel that same warmth he imagined radiate from it.
He wishes he could take longer at cleaning Flipper’s mess, but he also hates that horrid smell, and is glad that is over after throwing the papers in the trashcan nearby. He used a few more to clean his hands, even if they weren’t dirty. He stayed in front of her for a few seconds, without saying anything, but she was too caught up in petting Flipper to notice it.
What could he say now to talk to her? He needed to know her name at least.
After a few seconds she got up and Elliot swears his heart stopped for a moment. Her eyes held no sadness anymore, instead they were warm and kind, just like in his dreams. Her smile was not the small, lazy one he remembers, but a big, bright one that made his own lips twitch a bit.
Silently, they exchanged the items: the toilet paper for the leash.
“So, whats her name?” She asks and he never felt such relief before. She was starting the conversation, voluntarily. Maybe she wants to get to know him. Maybe this can stop being one-sided.
“Flipper” He answers, and after a bit adds “ And my name is Elliot” He turns to look at the floor quickly, before gazing at her again.
“Elliot” she repeats and he can't really imagine a better way for someone to say his name. It almost sounds like a prayer in the way she says it. “ Well, my name’s (Y/N)” She replies, after what it feels forever for Elliot.
“(Y/N)” He repeats, just like she had, and the name just feels right in his mouth. He can see it in her look that she too likes the way he says it.
Neither of them says a word for a while, simply looking at each other.
“Maybe you can stop by another day to walk Flipper” she finally says, after a few moments, never breaking eye contact.
“Yeah, maybe I can”