Work Text:
“I love you.”
Jensen’s rhythm stuttered when Jared panted those words. He didn’t mean them. He couldn’t mean them. Not yet, not now. They’d only been friends with benefits for a few weeks -- a month at most. Jared did not love him.
“Yeah, you do. You love my dick in your ass.” Jensen punctuated his words with perfectly timed thrusts against Jared’s prostate. The very vocal orgasm Jared had moments later proved Jensen’s theory.
Jensen knows everything there is to know about Jared. He can tell his real laugh from his fake laugh from his ‘Sam’ laugh. He knows the different levels of Jared’s interest in something. He can tell when Jared is listening to be polite and when he’s actually intrigued by what the other person is saying. Jensen knows when Jared is upset but is covering it up with fake smiles.
Jared’s been fake smiling all day.
Jensen wants to ask what’s going on, but the only time they’re alone and not on set, Jared falls asleep. Jensen’s not on the call sheet for the next day so he takes care of the dogs and lets Jared go to bed.
Jared’s gone before Jensen wakes up the next day.
Jensen checks his phone for texts or missed calls. There was nothing from Jared so he ignores the rest. He checks his email. Responds to the one from Eric, ignores the one from Steve, opens the one Jared sent him last week with the link to the youtube video of the laughing baby and spends the next two hours in a youtube hole. He sends ten different links to Jared, bookmarks four other ones and can’t wait to see Jared’s reaction to them.
He’s about to take the dogs for a run when his mom texts.
Will you be coming home for your birthday?
Don’t know. I’ll have to ask Jared. His thumb hovers over send as he realizes what he wrote. Why would he have to ask Jared? It’s his birthday. It doesn’t matter what Jared is doing. But--
He deletes the text and replies with Don’t know yet. I’ll let you know when I know.
The jog with the dogs doesn’t help clear Jensen’s mind. He plays fetch and tug with them in the backyard until he’s worn out (nothing tires Harley). He wants to call Jared and tell him they need to buy more tug ropes and toys for the dogs when he remembers that Jared is filming his big love scene today. That thought makes his heart race. It’s not so much that Jared is with someone else. They’re actors, Jensen gets it. However, he knows how self-conscious Jared is about the scene even though he has no reason to be. The kid’s in perfect shape. Not that Jensen wants to share Jared’s perfect shape with the world. Still, the ratings will probably go up.
Jensen rolls his eyes at himself. Isn’t bad enough he spends nearly every waking moment with Jared does he have to think about him when they’re apart. Really, why am I thinking about Jared all the time? Jensen finds the dogs and sits on the floor next to them. They immediately smother him with doggie kisses and he rubs their tummies. He leans against couch he helped Jared pick out feeling very self satisfied. Jared rarely makes a decision without asking for my advice. Can’t believe how much my boy needs me.
Jensen looks at the clock and wonders when Jared will get home. He's so bored without him. Hopping up on the couch, he grabs the remote and tries to find something to distract him. He scrolls through the Jared’s dvr list. There’s a series he told Jared about a month ago. He smiles to see that Jared is recording it and it’s spinoff. None of the episodes have been watched. Jared must be waiting until they can watch them together.
And the thing is that Jared’s always doing stuff like this; listening to his suggestions and opinions.
There I go thinking about Jared again. What the fuck? Jensen tosses the remote on the table and rubs at his mouth. Time stops and his heart speeds up. His brain kicks into overdrive as realizations flood his consciousness. “Oh shit.” He takes a couple shallow breaths. “Fuck. Why did I let this happen? This is gonna fuck up everything.” He tries to slow his breathing and calm down but his brain chokes. “I can’t be in love with Jared. I can’t,” he explains to the dogs. “I mean -- okay, I am, but I can’t be. We can’t be...anything. Fuck!”
When Jared finally gets home it’s late and there’s only time for a “Hey man, I’m beat. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Jensen’s mouth opens and closes without a word being said. Instead he nods. They both have an early call the next day.
In the morning Jensen grabs a bag and Sadie’s leash.
“What’re you doing? What’s all that?” Jared asks pointing at the bag.
“It’s gonna be a long day. I thought you’d want the dogs with us,” Jensen explained. “Oh and we kinda destroyed some toys yesterday so I picked up some new stuff.”
Jared smiles small and grateful as he loads Harley into the back of the SUV. “You’re spoiling them.”
“Don’t be jealous, babe, I got something for you, too.” Jensen tosses Jared a bag from It’s Sugar.
Jared’s face lights up like a child’s. “Sour gummis! Dude, you’re the best.”
Jensen grins. “I know. I’m your sugar daddy.”
Hours later Jensen is in his trailer scrolling through apartment listings on his laptop when Jared walks in. The dogs tumble over each other to greet him barking happily when moments before they’d been snoozing at Jensen’s feet.
“How do you do it?” Jared begins once he’s done petting his dogs.
“Do what? Get the dogs to be calm?”
“No, though you’ll have to teach me that trick, too.” He sits down opposite Jensen at the small table. “Kim wants Sam to cry when he kills Madison and I mean I’m sad and all, but I’m not getting there. I can’t do it.”
Jensen nods. “Well you gotta --” he trails off, Jared doesn’t need an acting lesson, he needs help finding the emotion. Inspiration strikes when Sadie bumps his hand demanding attention. He ruffles the fur between her ears and pats her neck. “Well, imagine we have to -- uh, I mean, imagine you have to put the dogs down. Both of them. There’s nothing you can do to save them. They’re really sick and in horrible pain. It’s put ‘em down or they suffer.”
Jared’s mouth falls open but he’s speechless. He seeks out his dogs and pats Harley’s shoulder.
Jensen sees the pain building in his best friend. “Let’s go to set.”
Kim Manners doesn’t know what just happened to his two leads, but he knows he’s getting the shots he needs. He wants to know what Jared did to get there emotionally but since Jensen is just as heartbroken he gets that coverage too.
The moment he hears "That’s a wrap!”, Jared looks to Jensen and points to the trailer. “I’m going back. Gotta see them.”
Jensen nods his understanding. “Hey, you kicked ass, dude. But, yeah, let’s go give the kids some love.”
Back in the trailer Jared has his arms full of dogs. He’s on the floor hugging them, ignoring their slobber to bury his face in their fur. They raise their heads long enough to acknowledge Jensen, but immediately return to Jared, licking the tears off his face.
Jensen chuckles. “You all forgot who bought you treats, huh,” he teasingly grumbles as he climbs over them. “I’m gonna clean up. Ask Alicia to take the dogs and you and I can go to Morton’s for dinner. Sound good?”
Jared’s laugh from under the dogs is enough of an answer for Jensen.
After his shower Jensen expects he’ll have to wait for Jared to finish getting ready so he’s surprised to find him sitting quietly at the kitchenette table. He looks torn between anger and grief and Jensen hates it.
Before he can say anything Jared says, “You didn’t have to use the dogs. You could have just told me you were moving out.” He knocks over the laptop and glares at Jensen.
“Jay, it’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it’s like.” Jared’s voice shakes and Jensen isn’t sure if it’s anger or something else. “Is this why you wanted to go to Morton’s? So you could dump me and I wouldn’t make a scene?”
“What? No. Dinner has nothing to do with anything.” He rights the laptop and sits across from Jared staring down at his hands.
“Dude, fucking talk to me.”
The emotion in Jared’s voice forces Jensen to find some courage and meet his eyes. He finds concern more than anger in them and his anxiety lessens. “Well Jared, I uh, seem to be in love with you.” He pauses and offers a weak smile. “I know this could potentially really fuck things up so I went looking for apartments in case you want me to move out.”
“You --" Jared sounds truly bewildered. “Why would I want you to move out?”
“Eric talked to us about this, remember? We have to get along. All these people depend on Sam and Dean for their livelihood. If you don’t --” Jensen stops himself because this is an ultimatum he wasn’t planning to give and yet he can’t retreat. “I can’t live with you if you don’t see us as more than fuck buddies or whatever the hell this is between us.”
Jared blinks. Shocked at feeling behind Jensen’s words, he speaks slowly. “Jen, I love you, you have to know that. This, us, has always been more than just sex. I was just waiting for you to come around.”
“You never…” Jensen trails off with a shake of his head. The tension is gone from the room. And the relief Jensen feels is like coming up for air after swimming too deep. “You know saying it during sex doesn’t count.”
Jared smiles. Whatever this was, it’s over, and moreover Jensen loves him. “I don’t think of it as sex, Jensen. To me, it’s making love.”
Jensen rolls his eyes feigning disgust and Jared’s smile brightens even more. “Well, schmoopy, if you want me to ‘make love’ to you tonight, you better get your sweet ass in the shower so we can get dinner.”
Jared pushes himself to his feet. “Right. Gotta get fuel for the fuckin’!”
“Oh my god you are such an idiot.”
“Yeah, but you love me anyway,” Jared says over his shoulder as he opens the door.
Jensen watches Jared go and decides a change of plans is needed. He doesn’t want to waste time at a restaurant. He wants Jared. The sooner the better. “Jared?”
“Yeah?”
Jensen clips a leash on the nearest dog. “Let’s get something delivered.”