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There’s nothing to stop her from spending all her money on fried chicken and beer. Or ramen. Or jjajangmyeon.
Except then she would have no money to pay for her coffee dates with Momo, where they do more procrastinating than studying, or late night drive-in viewings whenever Momo texted her, begging to carry out some fried rice to share and some candy for the movie, or tickets to pay for Momo’s recitals, not that she usually had to pay very much (or anything at all).
So she sets aside her late-night studying cravings and tragically empty wallet with a sigh and goes back to staring at her computer full of unread text, instead of going on Snapchat to sad-face snap the one person she really wants to talk to right now.
Screw this 60 page reading assignment, she thinks. Who even needs to learn about the election patterns after major natural disasters? Who even cares?
Well, her, actually. Someone has to. That’s kind of why she’s a poli-sci major. But whatever; she’s not in the mood to read about people being disasters on national levels when she’s already one by herself. The blink of the cursor reminds her of her own heart, and then she chides herself for the cheesiness—that’s Chaeyoung’s job, after all. So she continues on with her half-hearted notetaking and tries to ignore how the pink of her highlighter won’t stop reminding her of Momo.
Over the course of many years Nayeon has learned some very important lessons. One of which being to never trust Yoo Jeongyeon with that much tequila. Another: never promise to buy Momo a meal unless you know you have cash. Finally: falling in love with your best friend’s probably not going to have you end up with the fun college experience you’ve always dreamed of.
Yeah, of course, some parts of it are like that whole YA novel genre where the friend you’ve known since forever is the most beautiful, perfect person ever, and you so fall in love with the person you know most deeply and it’s all pretty and nice and you feel your heart jump out of your chest always and whatever. Except books and dramas never really can express just what it feels like to have to see them fall in love with someone else. Specifically the girl they’ve known since they were little kids in Japan who turned out to have a love of dance that rivaled Momo’s own. And, of course, just happened to be one of the most beautiful people Nayeon had ever met, along with all the intelligence and wealth in the world. Maybe Nayeon’s ego had been a little more than bruised, outside of her heart going through what felt like a boxing match.
You know, it’s not super fun when you’re being slowly replaced by your best friend, and even less so when you’re in love with them and they’re replacing you with a girlfriend. A beautiful, perfect, popular, attractive girlfriend. Nayeon can’t even blame her. Probably more than half the school would want to wife her up. But whatever. There’s no excuse for her to grades to slip, or for missing choir practices, or not helping Jihyo plan their next Asian Club fundraiser, not even a broken heart. Or, more accurately, one slowly breaking apart by the tendons and strings. It’s okay. She’s okay. The only thing she can do is grind out paper after paper and try to forget what it feels like to be empty.
Whoo. Emotions suck, is what she’s learned throughout her entire college experience. Besides the never take 8AMs. When her and Momo were roommates, back in freshman year, Momo was the one assigned to be making them coffee in the morning. Except Momo was the sleepier one out of the two of them, and so they more commonly ended up with no caffeine and sore legs from running to class. Which was always on the other side of campus. Ugh. And then Momo always had dance classes until the later evening so she’d come home, take a shower, do very minimal work, and pass out on her desk, and Nayeon would have to carry her over to the bed and charge her computer and make sure her school stuff was all together. Nayeon was always up late studying, anyways. So. It wasn’t like, a big deal, or anything. You know.
That’s something else. There’s something about Momo that just makes Nayeon want to protect her. Some kind of innocence, something in her that she didn’t let the world touch, that Nayeon feels like she needs to preserve. Because if she didn’t, everything would be ruined. Momo would be ruined.
Nayeon’s been reading the same two sentences for 20 minutes. This is what she meant by not getting distracted by love. Or what her mother meant by. Same thing.
She grabs all the thoughts of Momo sitting around in her head and pushes them out. For another day.
Sometimes she’s so incredibly glad that she rooms with Jihyo. Mostly because Jihyo is a great cook, also because they practice vocals and plan meetings together, and partially because of how considerate of a roommate she is. What’s important right now, however, is how good she is at taking care of a drunk Nayeon.
Guess she never really learned from Jeongyeon, because Nayeon spent the entire night doing shots and dancing with random girls. Maybe making out with one of them. The first thing she did after stumbling outside of Jaebum’s enormous house, because the warmth from such a mass of bodies can get to be too much sometimes, was reach for her phone, trying to blink through the blur enough to see 모모 and her signature emoji. It rang seven times before she just ended the call. Because of course it was another waste of time. And then her eyes were blurry not from the alcohol but the tears, and before she knows it she’s pressing on 마이크 and Jihyo’s voice is filtering through.
And here she is now, in the bathroom, trying miserably hard not to vomit all over the bathroom floor and Jihyo’s baby blue slippers. Nayeon knows that once she’s done with this whole situation Jihyo’s going to usher her into bed, prop her up, and set some Advil and water on her nightstand.
It’s times like tonight, when she’ll go out and press herself against some random girl and fuck up her stomach with way too strong alcohol that she truly appreciates Jihyo. Because they’ve known each other for so long, even longer than Momo, and it’s long enough even to bypass Nayeon’s mild trust issues. Because Jihyo has proved to her countless times that she’ll stay, even when most others would’ve gone and left her like this.
“Jihyo,” she near sobs on the tile floor, and not because she feels sick.
The younger girl strokes her arm, wipes her tears. “I know. I know,” and holds her until it numbs a bit.
A while later she sends Nayeon off to bed, and turns out the lights. A quick peck on her forehead, the sound of a door closing and the room swirls around her for a while before the velvet of sleep starts to overcome her.
There’s nothing Nayeon detests more than group projects. Econ is a close second. So a group project in the worst class she’s ever taken? Maybe not her favorite activity.
The professor sets them off in their groups, something about one week and high quality and fifteen percent of your grade. Nayeon makes another internal eye roll and stalks off to find her members.
This time there’s a familiar face. Some memorable type of eyebrow quirk, lips pink and shiny. Until the other girl looks back, and it changes into a smirk.
“Hey, stranger,” says the (very attractive) girl next to her, and Nayeon suddenly remembers being pressed very close into this girl’s curves, and remembers the softness of her lips.
“Hey there,” Nayeon says with a smirk of her own, and maybe it feels like a tiny betrayal to Momo, but what’s to do in that case but try to get over the girl? And maybe get something out of it? So she’ll be a tad flirty if she wants, thank you very much.
They all end up exchanging numbers, and her and the girl (who’s name is apparently Kim Chungha—why does that sound familiar?) decide to go out for lunch. Because she can do that. She’s a free woman.
Except she can’t really start her forgetting process because as soon as they reach the little noodle bar Nayeon knows and orders, she runs almost straight into Momo.
“Oh, Nayeonnie! I wanted to make sure you were okay, Jihyo told me about yesterday,” with genuine concern on her face. Nayeon’s about to answer, and then Chungha comes up next to her with a, “Hey, I saved us a table,” and a hand around her arm. Momo eyes it, wary, and for whatever reason her eyes just, harden, a bit. Odd.
Chungha sees Momo and apparently they have a past because she comes out with a, “Momo! How are you?”
Momo narrows her eyes the tiniest bit. “Good.”
Momo’s never this blunt. The whole vibe of this situation is so very weird and Nayeon wishes that the lady would come out with their noodles soon.
They talk about dance, because of course that’s how Momo would know her. Nayeon gathers in this brief space of time that they competed against each other, or something like that (she dimly remembers Momo ranting about the competition in question), and before things get too deep the lady comes with their food. Finally. Momo stares at her for a second longer, and it feels like the longest in the world.
So you’re dating Kim Chungha, Nayeon receives later that evening, after she gets back from the spontaneous arcade trip after dinner. Nayeon has the bear Chungha won for her to prove it.
Not really. We were just hanging out I guess she shoots off. Gives it a minute.
You two seemed awfully friendly for “just hanging out”. Nayeon feels a frown, because when does Momo even care?
Well, I mean I met her at that party the other day and we kinda made out but we’re just in a group project right now so we went out after working on it and stuff; waits for those three dots. They appear. Disappear. Appear again. It’s a bit dizzying.
She’s nice. I’ve danced against her before and she’s really good. Okay, getting there.
Just. Be careful, okay? I don’t want to see you get hurt.
Well. She can’t say she was entirely expecting that. Just thinking about the implications of Momo sending that are making her head spin. She decides eventually on the safe route: to ignore everything and go to sleep.
I will.
Her and Chungha go out a few more times after that, and Nayeon enjoys herself. There’s something refreshing about Chungha, besides the fact that she’s ridiculously attractive and dances so well. It’s fun.
The only odd part is that everywhere they seem to go, Momo’s there too. Like the dance exhibition Chungha brings her to to support some friend. Well, that one’s not all that surprising, actually. But then there’s the art show, and the farmer’s market, and the Italian restaurant. It’s like the universe is trying to say something. She’s kind of deaf, though (water slide accident as a kid. don’t ask). So she just kind of ignores it for now, because she’s good at that now.
It’s always a bit uncomfortable when they meet, and Momo is a tad colder each time. It’s strange; she’s never seen Momo act like this. But she’s sure it’s just something wrong in school, or some dance that’s frustrating her, or something like that. It couldn’t be Mina, since she’s always Miss Perfect, and she’s not entirely sure why Momo would dislike her dating Chungha so much.
Unless—
Nope. She is so not going down that road.
Nayeon grasps her head. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
At the grocery store one day she spots Mina, all elegance and neck even in a blouse and jeans. Nayeon’s behind the bread when she hears the other girl’s soft lilting voice, asking about the best kinds of flowers for apologies. Or something like that. There’s like, a lot of bread, and it’s kind of blocking her hearing.
Roses seem like they were made for her, and Nayeon feels that familiar envy start to seep through her. Whatever. She takes one last glance before heading off to the wine section.
Nayeon can’t even remember when she first knew she loved Momo. Somewhere along the road, she just fell in love with her. The pieces fell into place. The leaves changed colors. Nayeon loved Momo. It was as simple as that.
Except it wasn’t, because Momo had Mina and Nayeon had all this unused love and so she just kept channeling it into her work or one night stands or other failed relationships. And so all she had left was a continually breaking heart and a string of unhappy lovers.
It made her mad because Momo was more than an object to be loved, and she knew that, but she couldn’t help thinking about what it would feel like to actually be with her. For real. Without all the barriers, without all the useless feelings. Now she tries to keep those thoughts out of her mind.
This is the part where Nayeon is supposed to say that she’s okay with all of this, that she’s strong enough to deal with this kind of love. Spoiler alert: she’s not. Sometimes she feels terrible to Momo, that she’s like this, that she can’t just be a normal friend who loves and supports her. Without the strings attached.
Sometimes she feels like she’ll never get over her. Because if it’s been this many years, and with so many other options and distractions and excuses it’s all still the same, then why would it change now?
Nayeon decides to stop her thing with Chungha before it gets too serious. Because she’s realized that she’s in too deep now with Momo, and she’s so nice that Nayeon doesn’t want to hurt her.
Nayeon definitively realizes Chungha’s clearly too kind for this kind of thing when they’re talking about it in the coffeeshop and Chungha is ever so graceful with how she receives it. When Nayeon leaves she realizes that there’s no feeling like she thought there’d be, and that the lightness she was expecting never comes. Whatever. It’ll be alright.
It’s all been getting to be a bit too much, lately. Sometimes she sees Momo in her notification center. I’m busy, sorry. She hopes Momo will just forget about it, go off with Mina for dinner or another evening practice session and let her be.
Apparently the universe isn’t big on that idea, though, because she gets back to her apartment and sees a sullen Momo leaning against the door. Maybe not sullen so much as irate mixed with a weird somber tone that strangeifies this entire situation twice fold. She's tense, Nayeon can see it in her muscles and the way she's carrying herself, but she doesn't know why.
Momo doesn’t say anything when Nayeon steps in front of her. “Um,” says Nayeon, because how are you supposed to react after the love of your life is standing in front of your door, wordless, clearly feeling very strongly about something or another, after not communicating with each other for, like, three weeks?
Momo just stares at her. It’s unnerving. In all their years of friendship Nayeon’s never had Momo looking at her like this. With this much raw emotion in her eyes.
“You haven’t been responding to my texts,” is all she lets out. Nayeon blinks a few times. One. Two. Controls the beating in her chest.
“Well,” she starts. Doesn’t really have the words to finish. “I’ve just been busy, that’s all.” Bullshit and she knows it. For three weeks she’s been wallowing in the hard realities of life with unrequited love, and has actually had a little lighter of a workload than usual.
“Bullshit,” Momo tells her and dammit, she hates right now how all their friends are friends and Momo could find out anything she wants by asking. “I know choir hasn’t had any competitions and that Asian Club is on break because of the taekwondo team members going to nationals.”
“Um,” says Nayeon again, and why is she so bad with words?
“And I also know you broke it off with Chungha.” Oh, shit. Nayeon never did tell Momo that, did she? Now she feels bad; even if they aren’t dating, Momo is her best friend (besides Jihyo, of course).
“Oh, yeah. I’ve just been a little stressed because of that and school,” and it’s a lie, but whatever, it works.
Momo just sighs, shifts her arms a little. Maybe even deflates. “Why don’t you just talk to me?”
Nayeon blinks. “I told you, I-” but Momo cuts her off. “Whatever BS excuse you have aside, I’m just gonna be straightforward. Since I haven’t been before. You’re my best friend and when you ignore me it makes me upset.”
Well. Nayeon certainly wasn’t expecting that. “I’m—sorry?”
Momo looks just a bit more uncomfortable when she says, “I, I broke up with Mina”
If she wasn’t expecting the last comment, this one is out of the realm completely. “Wait—what—you guys broke up? How—,”
Momo interrupts her, “I just—couldn’t keep doing it anymore.”
Nayeon blinks. Her eyes are going to be so dry after this. “Wait. You broke up with her?” Momo nods. Stares at her hands.
“We’ve been arguing a lot recently.” Nayeon suddenly flashes back to the supermarket, the roses. Apologies makes a lot more sense now. “I feel like I just, I don’t know, like I was staying with her just for the sake of it. And not because of love. And I think she knew that too.” This is all so strange for Nayeon, and she’s kind of. Well. Malfunctioning. Listen, she never said she was good at these kinds of things.
“But I thought you did love Mina?” says Nayeon, because she doesn’t know how this whole thing could happen. She’s just the tiniest bit bewildered. “How did that change?”
Momo smiles, a little deprecatingly. “I did love her. I can’t say I didn't. I just, realized that maybe she wasn’t the one that I always, like, actually. Loved. That I actually had my heart set on, or whatever.” She’s sounding a lot like Nayeon right now. It’s weird.
“What do you mean?” Nayeon asks, because she’s so goddamn confused. Momo just laughs a bit, reaches out, hands brushing against. “I mean,” she says, “that there was always someone else just a little more important to me, and Mina could tell too. During the last three weeks, do you know how often I checked my phone? Did you know that I texted Jihyo like, everyday, just so I could find out what you were doing? Like. Honestly, it was kind of embarrassing.”
“Oh,” says Nayeon, because she has no other way to respond.
“And, like. Okay. Maybe I realized during that time that all that time I spent pining over you in high school wasn’t gonna go away anytime soon. And that I kind of don’t know how to live without you. And also, not to mention, I fucking hated seeing you go out with Chungha. I—” she takes a step back, leans her head against the wall and breathes. “I realized that even while Mina would go out for dinner with ex-boyfriends sometimes, I never felt something that strong. And, god, this is all just word vomit right now but I needed to get it out. And even if you don’t want to date me, I’ll respect that, you know. Like, I just need you in my life. And I’m kind of shaking right now, and I’m sorry if this is really out there right now, but—”
And then Nayeon kisses her. Because what else is she supposed to do? Momo’s cute when she rambles, okay? And then it’s probably the best kiss of her life, or whatever, and Momo’s hand is on her cheek and her back and she’s so soft and just. Wow.
They break apart a little while later. Air, you know. The usual. Except nothing about that was usual in the slightest. Honestly, Nayeon’s still trying to process the whole thing.
Momo looks vulnerable. Tender. Happy. Smiles at her, cheeks dusted pink, and pulls her back in.
Nayeon’s heart soars, just a little. This is something she could get used to.