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I look around me exact five times. I absorb every single detail probably about forty-eight times – I'm not really sure, and this ends up in my hurried memory for another ninety-seven times – my heart speeds as my eyes sweep around me again. I look at the sky, at the tree, at the leaves – how many are there? – I look at the small cracks in the bark of the tree – I probably have to stop and count them, I have to know how many are there – and then I look at the ground, it has a random pattern, with misshapen stones joining and forming the pavement. It's agonizing, why isn’t have a pattern? It has to have a pattern, defined designs, a square, anything. It just messes up my memory!
Where am I going?
To the cafe, I need some coffee. An americano with eight cubes of ice and two tablespoons of sugar. It cannot be too cold, otherwise it will be ruined. But also it can’t be at room temperature, or its taste will be terrible, it won’t worth nothing but time lost.
Did I close my front door? Yes. But it clicked? Yes. But did I turn the lock before I left? I remember having my keys in hand when I left. But what If someone gets in? What if this person is waiting for me to come back? The key was in the lock. The door has to be closed. Should I come back and check? I’ve already done it, nine times.
Breath, you’re thinking too much.
I can’t step on the cracks. Namjoon, breathe. I have to count the wrinkle in the tree. I think I left a mug on top of the sink. You have OCD , Namjoon, you obviously must have washed the mug three times. I should’ve washed four, maybe five times to make sure it was clean. I should go back.
“What can I do for you, sir?” I hear someone say. I transfer my attention from the brick wall behind the attendant to him. I hasn’t noticed him when I arrived, or even was at the cashier to look at him properly. That place was full of things, shapes, noises, buts. Is it everything clean? Do they use that coffee brand? Is the water filtered? Will they write my name down correctly? Did I lock the door?
“Sir?” I finally look at the cashier. Everything, suddenly, went silent. I take a deep breath. Nothing arises in my mind, nothing in him is imperfect, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. For the first time. He’s handsome, his gaze is sweet, his smile is sincere, his voice is melodious. Images and problems stop appearing. I feel good.
His hair had a dark brown color that looked perfectly right for his skin tone. His lips were full and friendly, rosy and smiling. They formed a perfect curve when he smile. His lashes were not long, but they were the perfect size to just touch his cheekbones gently. He was beautiful, symmetrical, perfect. I did not think of anything for the first time.
“Would you go out with me?” I said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“No.” I corrected. “Do you want to go out with me?”
“Sir, I…”
“One more time.” I begged. “Would you give me the honor of going out with me?”
“... I do?”
“I think you are amazing. Would you like to drink a coffee with me?” I insisted on the invitation. He already has accepted, but it didn’t seem right. It should be right. “Do you want to take a walk?” I asked. The cashier blushed.
“Sir, I do but…I’m working right now.” Then he smiled, hiding it behind his hand. My heart said he was so cute, and so right, and I listened to him because my heart never had a voice in my head.
"I'm asking you out. Would you give me the honor of your company?”
“Yes, I do.” he answered, blushing again.
I smiled relieved, turning the ring on my finger ten times, until I calmed down. Jin – as his tag informed – smiled, then calmly asked me again what was my request. I repeated it eight times. He repeated everything so that I was sure of my order and then himself went to prepare it. When my coffee came, it was perfect, and I was not surprised by that. Jin himself looked perfect. I took a sip and shook the cup five times, until I drink everything.
✖✖✖
When he arrived and greeted me with a smile, I felt light and remarkably less agonized. He wore a discreet white button-down shirt, and his hair was perfectly lined. He was so handsome, so beautiful that I found myself hypnotized in the same image for more than five minutes. I just had eyes for Jin.
I wasn’t sure on how I had come to this day without completely losing my mind. My psychiatrist prescribed stronger medicines, after I insist on how important this date was to me. Somehow, I was in control. The images were not so repetitive, my thoughts didn’t change every half second, and I didn’t keep wondering if my rug had been placed underneath or in front of the sofa in my living room. In the restaurant, the salt bottle was far away from the pepper. I put it closer. It was too close now. They were too close to the glasses. My cutlery was misaligned, one of them dropped when I tried to fix it. I just couldn’t sit still and create a pleasant environment, precisely because the environment itself was not the best one. Nothing was right, nothing had a pattern. I needed a pattern. Even my breathing was not normal. The waiter brought the dishes and Seokjin – he had told me his whole name after I ask him three times in a row – smiled at me, watching each gesture with a certain kindness in his eyes. I tried to smile to disguise how embarrassed I was for not being able to behave like a normal person. He didn’t bother, he didn’t seem to care. I adored him.
“You look handsome.” he praised.
"Thanks, I thought a lot about what to wear." It was a joke. Did it sound like a joke? I hope so, maybe I should recount it.
He smiled, and I got calm.
"Why did you agree to go out with me?" The words leave before I could contain them. But I thought about it so, so much.
“I liked you.” he answered, still smiling. “You’re different, somehow, especial.”
"Did I scared you? Have I scared people before? I asked you six times if you wanted to go out with me. It must have been embarrassing, I'm sorry. I just can't help it.”
"Joonie ... Can I call you that?" I nod, trying to hide the warm feeling I had in my chest at the nickname. "It's okay, I thought it was cute."
"I've been diagnosed with severe OCD since I was ten years old." I take a deep breath, trying not to run over the words as I gently separate my food with my fork. "Everyday, thoughts and more thoughts just explode in my head, it becomes agonizing how noisy it can be on chaotic days. I can’t go in too much crowded places, or nightclubs, even fast-food very frequented. My mind can’t take it, it’s constantly trying to absorb everything, to understand everything. It’s a lot of information at once." I was ruining everything, I thought. "It's not so cute now, is it?" I smile embarrassed.
"You look incredible to me, Kim Namjoon." He held out his hand, touching mine gently. For some reason, I didn’t care.
I couldn’t talk much after this, I had to separate each grain of my plate by color, otherwise I would get sick. I would feel terrible. I already felt just looking at it.
After the dinner, Jin walked beside me, holding my hand and listening to me mutter or talking about any bullshit. I was able to observe him carefully, decorate every trace of his and then conclude what was already certain, Seokjin was beautiful.
✖✖✖
I kissed him. Until now, I kissed him five hundred and seventy-three times. All were incredible, most made me feel different things, different desires, different caresses. I practically idolized his cares, his patience and his love. As the time passes, he has been learning my hobbies. He was getting used to the on/off of the light that I repeated as a ritual before I lay next to him in bed, or the way I liked my food being served, or how I liked it cooked. He learned every one of my stubbornities, memorized every pattern of positioning, understood each of my paranoia, and embraced me in all the panic attacks that became less recurring at his side. At the end of the day, Seokjin always have a smile and a passionate kiss.
One day, he whispered after a crisis, three words that I thought would never be possible to hear from someone other than my parents.
"I love you." And then he took a deep breath, and I felt the heat of his skin against mine. I smiled, and he smiled, showing the perfect curve that his lips made. I loved him too, I knew that, and now that I also knew what he felt, everything seemed in place.
Every morning he would wake me up with a long kiss, and then he would made me a warm toast and would watch me eat. My heart was warm, and my mind was still. But of course everything was not perfect. There were days when I would wake up before him, that the curtains would not be tightly closed, or the bathroom door would be open. I'd take a deep breath, or just start having an anxiety attack.
There were days when I would woke up and there wouldn’t be more perfect toasts or his kisses would not make me feel any good. There would be days where the rug would be under the sofa, and Seokjin would be irritated with my excessive care.
“You're going to burn the lamp, Namjoon” he would say, in my ritual of turning the lights on and off. "I want to finish this chapter of the book, but you're bothering me." I would just nod, and let the switch sideways, feeling my whole body protest almost in pain.
Those kind of days would stop becoming rare to show themselves more and more present. Seokjin no longer hugged me every night, or fiddled with my hair. He no longer give me long kisses or smile at the stroboscope that would become the bedroom every night. His toasts were now just cold breads, and my wake up before him had become usual.
His I love you ’s became go to sleep, Namjoon.
The days went by and my mind was noisy again at the extreme. Seokjin returned to his parents' house and now I found myself alone in our room, agonizing his lack, because it seemed wrong, very wrong. His smiles were no longer entirely sincere and did not form its perfect curve. I missed him, I missed him immensely but he did not come back. He told me he'd be back. He never came back.
“It doesn’t work for me, Joonie, I’m so sorry.” He said in a call. “I like you, but I think I've interpreted things wrong.” I hate using a cellphone, it’s dirty, but I was doing it for him. So I could hear his voice again.
I missed him so much that it consumed me.
“You can’t interpreted things wrong.”
“Namjoon…”
“Seokjin, when I saw you… I was…”
“Your mind went quiet. I know, you already told me this.”
“How could this be so wrong to you?” I insisted. “How can you leave me?”
“I’m sorry.” he said, quietly, then the call ended.
I was the one who sorry.
OCD changed my life, for the worse. It's completely devastating to hold onto small things, if you let yourself be carried away by small risks out of standards. Lose yourself in the midst of paranoid thoughts and get carried away by bad feelings. It is terrible to repeat your actions because your heart cries out that there is nothing wrong, but your mind screams to organize everything again or I could die. It's overwhelming to lose the only good thing you've ever become obsessed with. I will always miss Seokjin in my life, every detail, every little thing he learned from me, or me with him. From every act, every smile and every word. I kissed him eight hundred twenty-one times throughout our relationship. He said he loved me a hundred and ninety-five times. Now all I can think about is if he still tidies his bed millimetrically, or if he still prepares toast perfectly or whether he smiles back with that perfect curve. I wonder if the person who now takes my place repeated things to him until they were perfect, if he called him on a date six times or if he kissed him ten times so that only in the tenth he be satisfied.
I miss him so much that I don’t bother anymore to turn on and off the lights like a stroboscopic ballad. I no longer arrange the living room rug or count the trees wrinkles. I just leave the door unlocked in a small hope that someday, any day, you will enter it saying "I love you" with a perfect curve smile one more time.
My mind was loud again.