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Bellamy woke to an empty bed with Clarke’s name on his lips.
Not again.
He squinted against the sun. Echo was loading up hunting supplies on the other side of the tent. Her back was turned.
Shit. He threw back the covers and came up behind her, putting his arms gently around her waist.
She tensed.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Bellamy said.
“Good morning,” she said, shoving two daggers into her sack.
“Echo, please–“
“It’s fine, she said. “It’s fine, all right?”
Bellamy kissed the top of her head. He’d come to like the smell of her hair over the past six months. “It’s because we’re on the ground,” he said, “and–“
“You know she’s alive,” Echo finished. She turned to him, looking at him evenly. The hairs on Bellamy’s neck rose. She’d never stopped being a spy. Then her face softened, and she kissed his cheek. “I understand.”
He considered whether it would have been different between them, if he’d known. Yes. Yes. He might have turned to Echo for comfort, but she would have known everything would change on the ground. Because Clarke was forever half of his soul.
He’d made a promise to Echo, though. And he had to honor it.
“You know I care about you.” Bellamy ran his hands up and down her arms.
Echo smiled. “I do. Stay here, Raven’s coming by to talk weapons. I’ll catch dinner. There’s still half a squirrel by the fire.”
“Thank you,” he said, and meant it.
“Hey, when Raven gets here…listen to her, all right?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Bellamy’s brow furrowed.
“Just do it.” She kissed his forehead. ”I’ll see you soon.”
“You bet.”
She paused at the tent’s entrance. “It’d be easier to believe you,” she murmured, “if you hadn’t said her name when we were up there together too.” Then she was gone.
Bellamy sighed. He’d tried so hard to move on in space. To honor Clarke’s memory and start a new life. He’d forgiven Echo for what she’d done. He’d hoped he’d move past the gaping hole in his heart that was Clarke’s death. But each time he’d stared down at the ravaged planet he'd plunged into a maelstrom of guilt. And now, he couldn’t talk to Clarke about how he felt.
Bellamy picked at his breakfast, until Raven walked into the tent. She threw an empty sack at him.
Bellamy caught it. “What’s this?”
“What’s it look like? It’s a sack, genius. Get your hiking gear. We’re visiting Clarke and Madi. You really need to talk to her, you know.”
“We talk,” Bellamy said defensively. They did, in short bursts, in the company of others. Bellamy was still recovering from the shock that had hit him when he’d leaned Clarke was alive. His mouth went dry just thinking about it. Alive. After all those years mourning her loss and honoring her memory.
Raven rolled her eyes. “I mean talk it out. C’mon, I’m not great at this feelings bullshit, but I’m gonna get you to that camp. Let’s go.”
Raven had a point. He and Clarke hadn’t been alone together. They’d each been avoiding it. Six years of waiting, Bellamy thought, and I’m too afraid to say anything.
“Raven, that’s a whole day’s hike. We won’t reach Clarke’s camp till sundown.”
Raven shrugged. “So? Madi’s been working on building a smokehouse, right? We’ll help out.”
“What about Echo?”
“Don’t you think she can handle herself? She wants you to go,” Raven said softly. “She’s even worse at this stuff than I am, but she wants you too. So come on. We’ll help Clarke and Madi. I’ll pitch a tent at the edge of the clearing or something, so you two can have some privacy.”
“All right.” Bellamy felt marginally better knowing that Raven would be there as a buffer. He was disappointed, too, but he didn’t examine that too closely. “Let’s go.”
They loaded up on water and nuts and set out for Clarke’s camp. The two of them chatted about weapons as they made their way deeper and deeper into the forest. Bellamy relaxed as the exercise loosened his muscles.
"Hold up,” Raven said as they rounded the corner to Clarke’s camp. “This is my stop. I’m heading back.”
Bellamy frowned. “Raven, we’re supposed to stick together. It’s sundown. This is no time to be alone in the woods.”
She winked. “Monty’s coming to get me. He’s been tracking us the whole time in the rover. Your Earth skills are rusty, Bellamy.”
“Raven-“
“Bye! Enjoy actually talking to Clarke,” Raven called over her shoulder. “We’ll be back for you in the morning.”
Bellamy swore under his breath. Now that he listened, the sound of the rover was obvious. At least Raven would be safe on the way home.
Bellamy’s stomach was in knots as he took the last turn at the creek, and came upon the camp. He’d know it anywhere – the flags fluttering in the sunset, the tidy supplies, the sense of order and peace. It felt like Clarke. It felt like home.
He smiled as Madi snuck up behind him. She knocked him onto the ground and had a knife at his throat. Her eyes went wide.
“Sorry, Bellamy, I heard you someone and–“
“You did the right thing,” Bellamy said. He held out his hand. “How’s Clarke?” He hoped he didn’t sound too eager.
Madi gestured with her chin. “Asleep. I think I wore her out during knife throwing practice.” She grinned at Bellamy and he grinned back. “Want to see the smokehouse? “
“Sure, Bellamy said. “Lead the way.” Soon Madi was chattering about the improvements she’d made to the structure, and tossing him logs.
Bellamy had taken to Madi right away, and he’d been thrilled to see Clarke happy about it. Apart from the stilted way he acted around Clarke, this camp was Bellamy’s favorite place on Earth. A small part of him wished he could come here every night, because the peace of the place seeped into his bones. He breathed easier here than anywhere else in Eden.
He expected Madi to tell the story – again – of how she and Clarke met. This time, though, Madi asked him how Clarke had gotten the faded scar on her cheek.
“She says it had something to do with a bird,” Madi murmured, “but then she stops talking.” Madi’s hands faltered as she tilted a log into place. “Do you know how she got it, Bellamy?”
He resisted the urge to place a hand on her head, like he used to do for Octavia. “I don’t,” Bellamy said, “but I hope she tells me one day.”
Both of them startled as Clarke moaned loudly in her sleep. Bellamy started to sweat as the moans turned to screams.
“Come on.” Madi grabbed his hand and ran. Bellamy tore into the shelter, almost knocking over the lantern. Clarke tossed and turned in her bed. She shouted his name before she woke up, trembling. She blinked slowly. “Bellamy?” Her eyes were impossibly blue in the lamplight.
Bellamy crouched down next to her and held out his hand. “I’m here, Clarke. I’m here.” Clarke launched herself into his arms. Bellamy held on tight. I made a promise, he thought. None of it mattered, though, when Clarke’s cheek was pressed to his. Bellamy’s knees went weak and he fell with her to the dirt floor.
Madi mumbled something about getting water and left the two of them alone.
Clarke started to sob. “It was a – a nightmare, Bellamy, you all were gone and I was alone again in the desert and the bird…”
He held her close, carding her fingers through the soft sunlight of her hair. “It’s over, Clarke, it’s over. I’m here now.”
She blinked at looked up at him. “You are, aren’t you?” She touched his cheek, and Bellamy held his breath. “You finally came.” She nuzzled into his neck and he pulled her closer instinctively, like he’d longed to do countless times over the years. He swept his thumb in a soothing arc over her back.
She seemed to come to her senses as she sat up and pulled away.
“Clarke…”
“I’m glad,” she said too brightly. She brushed tears from her cheeks. “I’m glad you have her, I’m glad you’re with her. That you weren’t alone.”
Bellamy’s heart ached. He reached for her, touching the scar under her eye. “I would have wa-“
“Don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t, it doesn’t matter, that’s…it’s not who we are to each other.” She tucked her hair behind her ear.
It’s what I wish we could be.
He scooted closer to her. There were dark circles under Clarke’s eyes. “How often do these happen? You keep Madi up every night?”
She swallowed and leaned into him. “A few nights a week, now. Before Madi–“ she glanced over to Madi, who was still busying herself with water. “It got bad. Really bad.”
“You can tell me, if you want. If it’ll help.” Let me share that burden at least. Let me love you like this.
She hugged her arms. “Can I – would you just stay here? For a little while? Until I fall asleep again?”
“Of course.” he said hoarsely. “Of course.” He held out his arms and she crawled into them. He rocked her gently. She was real, and solid, and alive. Her breathing eventually evened out, and she slumped against his chest. He sat there for a long while. She was asleep by the time tears streaked his cheeks.
I would have waited.
Madi appeared with two cups of water. She set them down. “Is she okay?”
“Just tired,” Bellamy said. Like I am, he thought. Weary to the bone of how we miss each other, each and every time.
Madi crouched next to him. “Nightmares? She has those a lot. She calls out in them sometimes, Jasper and Monty and Raven.” She drew circles on the ground. “But she says your name every night, when she thinks I can’t hear.”
I say her name too. He nodded. He was too exhausted to care how it might look to Madi, seeing Clarke cradled in his arms.
Mad glanced at him. “Stick around, okay? Be there for her. She needs you.”
“I need her too,” Bellamy said, before he could stop himself.
“I know you do. You two aren’t good at this, are you?” Madi sat down next to him. “She couldn’t wait for you to come back. She used to tell me she was the head, and you were the heart.” Bellamy swallowed past the lump in his throat.
Madi gestured towards Clarke. “It’s nice, seeing her get some real rest. She works hard.”
“She always has.” Bellamy said. “She’s the strongest person I know.” He tried to imagine what it must have been like for Clarke, before she met Madi. Predators would have tracked her. She would have hiked across the vast desert, weak with thirst......and then he knew, with a sickening certainty, where the scar on Clarke’s cheek came from. He knew what the bird had tried to do.
“She wasn’t alone.” Madi said.
Bellamy tried to smile. “No, she had you.”
Madi shook her head. “She had you, too. She called you, every day. On the radio. So you walked with her, and ate with her, and made camp with her. You were here, even though you were in space. Here when she needed you.”
Every day? He could have heard her voice every day? Clarke shifted in his arms, and he tucked her head under his chin. I wish I could have heard you, Clarke. I wish that so much. He thought about the bird, and the scar. He shuddered.
“I wasn’t - I didn’t do enough. I didn’t protect her.”
“So fix it,” Madi said. “It’s a problem, right? Clarke says you can fix any problem. That the two of you used to do it together.”
“We did,” Bellamy said. “We got it right, as often as we could.”
Clarke shifted in her sleep.
“Stay with her,” Madi said. “She said to stay until she fell asleep. But she could wake up. Stay. Keep your promise.” She handed Bellamy a few blankets.
The corner of Bellamy’s mouth quirked. “Are you trying to tuck us in?”
Madi shrugged. “She does it for me. Why shouldn’t I do it for her?”
Bellamy carried Clarke over to the bed and laid her down gently. There was nothing for it but to stay with her till sunrise.
“I’m gonna go stack the logs for the night and get some rest,” Madi said. “I’ll sleep in the hammock over there.” She pointed to a few trees on the edge of camp.
He turned to Madi. “You come get me, right away, if you hear anything. Anything at all. Got it?”
Madi smirked. “I will. But I’ve been alive on this planet longer than you have. I think I can handle myself.”
“Fair enough.” Bellamy yawned. He was worn out. Bellamy pulled the thin grey blankets over both of them. He’d longed to do this so many times on the ground – go to Clarke’s tent and just be with her, lay with her, after all of the day’s grinding work was done. But they’d never had time.
We have it now, he thought, as he brushed Clarke’s hair away from her forehead. And I’m still too scared to say what I need to say.
Bellamy curled up with Clarke. They fit together like puzzle pieces, just like he knew they would. He drifted off as the stars wheeled overhead, with his arm over her shoulder.
He woke hours later, with Clarke’s name on his lips.
“I’m here,” Clarke said, “I’m right here.” The birds chirped in the morning sun. Bellamy felt loose, and free, as if a weight had been lifted. This is what it feels like, he thought, to sleep next to the woman you love.
“Bellamy?” Clarke laced her fingers with his.
He sat up. “I’m going to talk to her,” he said slowly. “To Echo. She already knows, I think. Because Clarke, please, if you’ll have me, I want to be with you. I would have waited. I love you, Clarke, I always have.”
“I–“ Clarke bit her lip. “I love you too, Bellamy.” She pressed her lips to his and Bellamy gasped. Then he cupped the back of her head and did what she should have done the first moment her saw her – he kissed her back.
***
Madi started a fire to warm up water for tea. She watched Clarke and Bellamy out of the corner of her eye.
“Took them long enough,” she muttered. Hopefully Bellamy would stay more often now. Clarke would get the help she needed, and Bellamy would stop being an idiot, as Raven called it. She clicked the button on her radio.
“Give them another hour and then come by,” she murmured.
“Got it,” Raven said. “Did it work?”
“Finally,” Madi said. “Yes, it worked. I had to talk him through it though.”
“Nice,” Raven said. “See you in an hour.”
Madi whistled to herself as she cleaned up around camp. She didn’t know it, but this would be a story she’d tell to her own children, when they were grown. How the sky split the head and the heart apart.
But in the end, slowly, they found their way back to each other.