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"You know… I think Karamatsu-niisan is pretty amazing. If you take away his painfulness." Choromatsu spoke.
The three younger brothers nodded in agreement.
Jyushimatsu, who was present during the whole conversation, couldn't help but wonder how this discussion went from a random gossip to the second eldest.
It was supposed to be an another boring day in the Matsuno household.
Osomatsu goes out to pachinko as always (Choromatsu is sure he'd stolen cash again from one of them, that shitty eldest), Karamatsu looking for his Karamatsu girls (carrying along some kind of huge bag to which Ichimatsu groans in pain), while the rest of the younger brothers spend indoors doing their own things.
Jyushimatsu particularly likes to go out and burn his energy off with baseball or swimming, but sometimes he likes spending time with his other brothers, even if it meant by lazing along with them.
"For a shitty NEET, I guess he is." Ichimatsu seconded.
A while ago they were talking about the weather, girls and their lady parts, Osomatsu then their futures, an argument about something he didn't caught, a few more gossips then finally about the second oldest.
Jyushimatsu listened to his brothers quietly, hearing what they have to say for the blue clad brother. He knew fully well how they treated the second eldest brother. He also knew how the second eldest thinks and reacts to it, in front of their brothers and hidden from the world.
"I usually hear weird words from his shitty mouth. I think it was in French. Then some other foreign languages but I couldn't care to remember what." Ichimatsu nonchalantly says.
Jyushimatsu remembers hearing from the second eldest brother saying a faint 'oh revwa'. He asked around about it, taking him the whole day, only to find Iyami who replies that in French it means goodbye.
He doesn't understand why his brother suddenly wants to say goodbye.
"Oh. That explains why I couldn't read some of his writings, but I'm betting that they're as painful as the ones he usually write." Choromatsu figured, as he puts a hand on his chin.
Jyushimatsu remembers reading scratched papers starting with 'To my dearest brothers-' and 'I'm sorry-' tucked away in one of the blue matsu's notebooks.
It gave him an unexplainable feeling of sadness and dread.
"You read his writings Choromatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu asked incredulously.
Choromatsu blushed.
"Well… I saw his notebook while searching on the shelf and I couldn't help it! He also had a bunch of written music sheets and songs too. I wonder how long he's been doing them." Choromatsu huffed as he rests his chin onto his hand in thought.
Jyushimatsu remembers singing the songs he and Karamatsu sang in the roof was kinda melancholic, despite its happy lyrics. Or would be the other way around, a happy beat laced with sad lyrics.
He doesn't understand why it has to be sad, but sang with him anyway if it makes his older brother feel a little bit better.
"I remember him helping me with cooking once, I thought he was about to put glitter in everything but he didn't! He was surprisingly normal and followed the instructions, sometimes adding a few spices here and there. It ended up nicely, even better than the recipe I found on the net!" Todomatsu spoke and beamed.
Jyushimatsu remembers a memory in the kitchen itself, seeing Karamatsu in it at midnight, holding a metallic blade as if he was daring to press it on his arm. He would watch quietly, preparing to jump on the scene if the blue matsu ever did it.
But his older brother never did.
"Yeah. Sometimes he helps me choose my outfits for the interview, they were quite good and made me look sharp. I'm surprised he didn't made me as painful as him." Choromatsu says, mild confusion crossing on his face.
Jyushimatsu remembers seeing Karamatsu throwing away all of his painful clothes, only to come back to it later and hugging them as if it was the most important thing left in his life.
He doesn't understand why and when his older brother had started to hate his painful clothes so much.
"I saw him drawing in his sketchpad sometimes. For a shitty guy, he sure draws a lot of landscapes and sometimes us too." Ichimatsu muttered.
Jyushimatsu remembers seeing the torn papers scattered around, when he pieced it together like some sort of puzzle, it showed six figures of them. They were drawn in black and white but it was easy to tell each brother apart from their expressions and stance. Only the second left figure was covered with a large black scribble.
He patches them together with a tape, redrew his older brother from memory, taped it over the scribble then gave it to his brother. Karamatsu gave his expression of thanks with his usual dramatic flair. But he doesn't miss the way his older brother's smile twitched as if he was going to cry.
"I guess he could be pretty amazing when he needs to be."
Everyone agreed.
Jyushimatsu thinks that too, but he's certain that the blue clad brother would think otherwise.
"He's painful, I don't know how he managed to last in this world."
He's strong.
Jyushimatsu remembers the times he caught the second brother crying silently in their shared bedroom when he thinks he's alone and no one is home.
"He's too shitty and too selfless, he won't even stand for himself."
He's kind.
Jyushimatsu remembers seeing the blue clad brother on the bridge at night multiple times, standing on the wrong side of the railing, only to end up coming back home unscathed and alive.
"Yeah, but I guess that's what makes him cool."
He's amazing.
Jyushimatsu remembers how the second eldest have always time with them, even if he was burdened with chores and being ignored all the time. He never fails to put a smile on his face and support their brothers as always even when he was the one breaking on the inside.
"What about you, Jyushimatsu?" Choromatsu asks and glances at the yellow matsu, the other two matsus following the third brother's gaze.
Jyushimatsu realizes he hadn't spoken during the whole conversation.
He tries to think more of the blue clad brother's good qualities, only to remember something different instead.
He remembers a promise, the one that he made with his brother, that he'll smile and be happy for the both of them when the second eldest couldn't.
And so he gives his brightest, beaming smile.
"Karamatsu-niisan's super amazing!" He proudly says. "He's a really good older brother and he loves all of us! Veeeeerrrry muuuuch~!" He waves his arm around for emphasis and the other brothers couldn't help but smile and agree.
"I hope he knows we love him too." Jyushimatsu genuinely says, stopping with his flails. He looks down and covers his mouth his hoodie, and it made his brothers shocked.
Everyone was taken aback.
"Of course he does! Right…?" Todomatsu worriedly looks at the others.
"Well… we've been pretty hard on him during the past weeks, I guess…" Choromatsu acknowledges and folds his arms, "After all he is the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, so maybe we really should stop picking on him so much."
"Fine." Ichimatsu huffs, "I guess it's your turn now, Cherrymatsu." He teases with a smirk.
"Okay- wait what?! No!" Choromatsu looks at the fourth brother, horrified.
Another argument broke again and Jyushimatsu wishes their second brother could hear this and change the way he thinks about what they thought of him.
Unbeknownst to the younger brothers, Karamatsu has been listening ever since he heard his name in their conversation.
He had tried once again to escape, all his essentials packed in his huge bag and left a neatly written letter along with some money he earned from his nightly part time job in their shared closet, only to end up having cold feet and going back home.
He didn't bother to tell them he was home, figuring they'll ignore him as they always do.
When he heard his name from the living room, he couldn't help but eavesdrop. Maybe this will finally push him on with his long time plan.
He mentally prepared himself for more insults, but was surprised when he heard praises instead.
He was totally confused. He felt… different.
He felt a range of unknown emotions coursing through him.
Something light? Warmth?
Whatever it was, he feels all of it.
He doesn't know what to think about it.
Yet he felt his heart hurts because he knew he doesn't deserve such a thing.
He wasn't cool or amazing as they think he is. He wasn't a good brother, he tried to leave them multiple times although he flaked everytime.
He's just a lowly NEET, an idiot with a painful personality and doesn't deserve to this kind of recognition from his younger brothers. He shouldn't be their older brother, they need a better role model like Osomatsu. He doesn't deserve to be-
"See Kara? We care about you a lot."
Only a carefree voice like that would only belong to the oldest matsu.
"Osomatsu."
Osomatsu pulls the blue matsu towards him and hugged.
"I read it Karamatsu."
Karamatsu stilled.
"And… I'm really sorry." Osomatsu breathed, "For making you feel that way. For not being the big brother you need."
Osomatsu hugs him tighter.
"You're not a burden. You never were and never will be. We're brothers, Kara. Sure, we pretty much treat you like shit a lot, and I'm really sorry for that. I should've been there for you when it got too far. After all I'm your one and only older brother."
Osomatsu babbles as Karamatsu started to relax at the hug and slowly hugs him back.
They hug for a while, listening to their younger brothers arguing next to them. Osomatsu could feel his little brother shaking and the shoulder on his hoodie getting wet, but he didn't mind. He tenderly ruffles his hair and let his brother let out his soft cries.
After minutes or so, Karamatsu pulled away, wiping the excessive tears then put on his shades.
"Thank you...niisan." Karamatsu croaked out.
Osomatsu smiles at the nickname, paying no mind to their brothers who still continued to argue in the background.
"No problem. Welcome back, Karamatsu."
He didn't miss the way Karamatsu's smile slightly trembled, probably wanting to cry again. Ah, they must've been horrible to him.
No. They were horrible to him. So much he wants to run away and start a new life… yet he was still here. They did this to him and no matter Osomatsu does he could never undo the hurt they inflicted onto their brother.
His little brother.
He was his only older brother and he failed at it.
He needs to be better. They need to be better.
He's going to have a talk with all of them, whether those shits like it or not.
"If… if you still want to go away again, I promise I'll let you. But."
Osomatsu says firmly, then puts a finger on Karamatsu's lips.
"Only once we've proven that we can be amazing brothers just like you. I know we're all shitty NEETs, but you managed to prove that wrong. You're talented and kind, too selfless to be honest, and sometimes I think we don't deserve a brother like you."
Osomatsu could feel his younger brother's lip quivering. He retracts the hand from Karamatsu's lips and lands it on his shoulder instead.
"You're amazing Kara. And as your oldest brother I'll make sure you see it. I guess niichan has to keep up with you, huh. So what do you say?"
Osomatsu gives him a warm smile and squeezes his shoulder in comfort.
Karamatsu's breath hitched.
"Won't you put your things back and stay?"
Karamatsu forgot he had been carrying his the bag the entire time, only realizing how his back aches.
He still seemed unconvinced, but he's tired and an emotional wreck, so he nods anyway.
Osomatsu makes a mental note to himself to never let Karamatsu, or any one of his brothers feel like this again.
He threw an arm around Karamatsu's neck in a one arm hug. He gives an encouraging smile to his little brother, then opens the sliding door.
"Hey guys! We're home!"
"Welcome home niisans!" Jyusimatsu greets them enthusiastically.
"Welcome home Osomatsu-niisan, Karamatsu-niisan." Todomatsu blandly says, looking up from his phone.
"Welcome home." Choromatsu and Ichimatsu stopped in their argument, who were at each other's throats.
Then there was silence.
Karamatsu could feel everyone's eyes on him and shrank at the sudden amount of attention. He felt raw and afraid and wants to run away-
Then the youngest laughed.
"Pfft. What's with the huge bag Karamatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu giggled. "You look like you're going hiking with that."
"He just went on some amazing journey of sorts, right Kara?" Osomatsu smoothly gives out an excuse and Karamatsu silently nodded.
"That's an awfully large bag… doesn't your back hurt from that?" Choromatsu worries. Osomatsu had said something to him like chill but the third brother ushers the eldest away and helps the second eldest remove the large backpack and placed it on the floor.
"Tch. You didn't have to bring all of that." Ichimatsu deadpans, staring at the bag with his usual frown.
"We're glad you're back, Karamatsu-niisan." Jyushimatsu says, smiling wide and looking at him with understanding in his eyes.
Their eyes met, and in that moment, Karamatsu remembers the promise between him and the fifth brother and realized that his little Jyushimatsu had kept it all this time.
For the first time in months, he musters out a weak and a genuine smile.
He felt alive.
"I'm home, burazas."