Work Text:
This lookout doesn't exist in the manga, but I imagine if it did, it would be a great spot for tortured soldiers to find peace and tranquility. This is where most of the short story takes place.
You awake in your bed and jolt up. You place your hand over your heart and calm your breathing. You look over and Mikasa and then Sasha. Their chests rise and fall with the sounds of their deep-sleep breathing. They’re still here. We’re safe, you remind yourself, still shaken from the dreadful dream that had woke you.
You flop back down on your back in bed and stare at the ceiling. No matter how uneventful the day was, at night you more often than not, find your self fighting for your life and your friends’ lives against the titans in a nightmare.
Trying to calm your mind you think back on the day you had:
***
You, Mikasa and Sasha had been ordered by Corporal Levi to clean and organize a neglected store room of military headquarters.
You had finished in time for dinner, but upon his inspection he tisked and said “You call this clean brats? Do it again tomorrow!”
Because you had to redo it the next day, Levi had permitted you to keep the store room keys with you overnight so you didn't have to wake him in the morning to ask for them.
As you were washing the walls - (goddammit Levi) - you would move boxes out of the way to clear your path. Near the very back you came across a large box covered in a white sheet. Under the sheet in the box you saw what looked like various tools you had never seen before… or were they pieces of art? Whatever they were, they looked well crafted, and neglected. It was clear that they hadn’t been touched in many generations. Most of them had strings attached to both ends. A large one caught your eye. It seemed to be a strangely shaped frame filled completely with strings. The item in front of you was made of wood and had such gentle yet purposeful curves. It looked as though someone had made a fancy letter ‘D’ and laced it with chords.
You ran your hand over the strings and a soft vibration filled the air.
You threw the sheet back over the large collection and continued with your task until dinner.
***
You tossed around in bed trying to get comfortable, but it was no use. You needed to take a walk to clear your head of the nightmare. There was an outlook over a lake you had visited before with Eren, Armin, Reiner and Bertolt. It was peaceful there. You made your decision. You grab a warm sweater and taking a lamp, you sneek out of your shared room and start down the hallway.
On your path you pass the corridor that lead to the once neglected store room. You stand alone in the dark for a few minutes contemplating.
“I’ll just borrow it for tonight” you tell yourself. After all, no one had been missing it for years.
You arrive at the door and reach into your pocket, pulling out the key.
click
Ever so carefully and quietly, you approach the large box and pull off the sheet. You remove the wooden framed object from its place, lock the door, and head outside. It was heavier than expected.
Once you arrive to the top of the outlook, you lay the object on the ground.
You were far enough away from the base that you knew no one would be able to hear you.
You bend over the frame and grazed the strings.
‘What a lovely sound’, you thought.
You picked it up again and sat down against a rock. This time you put the frame upright between your legs. You pluck one string at a time and let the sound fade into the darkness. You wanted to try using both hands so you leaned the shorter side of the frame against your shoulder. Everything you tried sounded so lovely.
It was such a surreal feeling. Sitting there, slowly plucking away at the strings, improvising your own rhythm. The slow yet crisp tune relaxed you. Really relaxed you. You felt your chest get tight and vision began to blur. You had to stop as a tear escaped and you caught it before it could roll off your cheek. Was it making you sad? Sad that you had never felt such peace before?
You had all taught yourselves to suppress your emotions. Your duty in the Survey Corps was easier that way.
Whatever this thing was in front of you, had the power to make you feel what you didn't realize you felt, and bring it to the surface.
You thought back on the past few months. You had lost so many comrades… and had been separated from some of the ones who mattered most to you. Or had mattered most…
Right now Eren was somewhere trying to learn how to better control his titan power. You had also been betrayed by people who you thought were your closest friends.
You continued to play the strings.
You hadn’t allowed yourself to deal with the emotions that came with these losses.
A part of you wished you could you back to when you were in the 104th squad cadet training. Even though back then you thought every day was hell, you would give anything to go back.
Your hands still in motion, you raise your eyes and look out over the lake. In it you could see the moon glistening and you wished you could stay there for hours.
You heard a familiar voice over the melody and with a gasp, you stopped played and spun around abruptly
“I see you’ve found yourself a harp.”
Commander Erwin Smith form became more clear as he walked up the path and into the open moonlight.
As a reflex you immediately stood at attention and gave him a salute.
Shit, you’re in trouble now.
“My apologies sir. I know I shouldn't be out at this hour. I will head back straightaway.“
He raised both his hands to motion for you to relax
“At ease, soldier”. His voice was gentle. A vast difference from anything you’ve ever heard leave his lips.
You lowered your arms but remained standing to face him.
He motioned “Where did you get that?”
Right. If he wasn’t here to tell you off for sneaking out, stealing would definitely earn you a free ticket to Levi’s office for punishment.
“I found it this afternoon while cleaning the abandoned store room sir. I found it interesting and wanted to inspect it further, and I have every intention of returning it, sir!” This was all true. Hopefully he would go easy on you.
To your surprise he walked to where you were standing and grabbed the harp as he sat on the ground against the rock beside you.
He pat the ground next to him where you were situated earlier.
“Am I in trouble, sir?” you ask as you seat yourself facing the lake.
“No”, he said plainly, “and for now, you don't need to bother with all the ‘sirs’. We are not in a formal setting, you may call me Erwin.” He turns to you, “ (f/n) (l/n), isn't it?”
“Yes”, you say, a little surprised he would know your name
“You’re a friend of Eren Jager’s, correct?”
Ah, yes. That made more sense. Eren was, of course, once of the main concerns of the military now and it would make sense to know the names of all those linked to him.
“We were in the 104th cadet squad together”, you nod.
Erwin’s eyes reflected the moonlight, “You know, I used to come here often too as a young recruit. It's a great place to clear the mind.”
“Yes” you agree. You’ve never had a real conversation with your commander before and you didn’t really know how to speak to him. You thought back a few moments ago when you first heard him call out to you, “Did you call this a harp, si…I mean Erwin?”
“I did.” He says looking back to the object. “It’s an instrument for music. I’ve had the pleasure of hearing it being played before in audience of the king. It was much larger than this one, but it is unmistakably the same.”
“I think it’s lovely” you confess.
“I agree. Last I heard it was some time ago, so you can imagine my surprise when I followed the melody up into the woods and found you here” he tilted his head as he looked at you.
“I was having difficulty sleeping, and against my better judgment I brought it out here.”
“I for one, am glad you did.” Erwin said as he leaned the harp against his shoulder and began playing with the strings.
The two of you sat there in silence and let the chords echo through the darkness over the lake.
The breeze picked up for a moment and pierced through your sweater. You shivered, pulling your knees up to your chest.
Erwin gave you a small smile, leaned forward, and offered you to take his cape.
“No, its okay.” You said truthfully. “but…” you started as you shuffled closer to him for body heat, “is this okay?”
He nodded.
You don’t know why, but you really appreciated this moment and the rarity of it. You had many friends among the other soldiers, especially your best friends from the 104th recruit squad, so it wasn’t as if you lacked human connection or contact. This felt different. Maybe it was the scenario you were currently in. The two of you there sitting in the moonlight gave you a desire for another form of human connection.
‘No’, you thought to yourself. ‘Don't do anything stupid’. He was your superior after all, and even though you had an attraction to Commander Erwin, or rather, Commander Handsome, as did most of the other female…and male combatants, your life as a soldier would never have room for romance, especially with death waiting around every corner.
After a few minutes Erwin stopped playing and sighed. “I’m enjoying this too much.” He put a hand on your shoulder. “Say, how about I keep this hidden away in my office.” He smiled, “You can come and use it any time you like under one condition. You can’t tell Levi or the others.”
You laughed and agreed. “I forget, who is Commander and who is Corporal again?” you tease.
He chuckles “I know. But sometimes I like to let my guard down like this, and I can’t do that if this becomes public”
“I understand” you tell him, “and I won't mention this or the harp to anyone”
“Thank you,” he says quietly as he begins to play the chords again.
You definitely were not going to tell anyone. Not even the girls. Looking at Erwin’s face you could tell that this serenity was something he needed even more than you did. You wondered what emotions the melody brought to the surface for him.
You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against the rock you shared.
The harp’s harmonies sounding softly beside you, in addition to the warmth radiating from the body beside you were so comforting. So much that after a little while you felt you consciousness start to pull away.
Maybe tonight, you thought as you sat there with Erwin, you would have one night not plagued with nightmares.