Work Text:
Harry flicked his wand to lock the door behind him before gathering his things together. It was Friday morning and he had a mostly clear schedule, just four classes left for the day before the weekend.
Hermione’s weekly staff meeting would start in a half hour and if he hustled he could get a good breakfast in before it began. He thought there was nothing worse than sitting down for an hour on an empty stomach.
“Good morning, Harry.”
Harry turned to see Neville trot up to him with a small, potted wiggentree wrapped securely against him with one arm. It had been a chilly month and Neville had the plant “dressed” in a knitted...sweater? Whatever it was had obviously been custom-made to keep it warm, Harry figured Luna had created it judging from the psychedelic coloured yarn.
“Morning,” Harry greeted him attempting not to stare at the tree with judgement.
“On your way to breakfast?” Neville asked. Harry nodded. “I’ll walk with you.”
They hadn’t gone more than a few steps before Neville stopped. Harry cast him a questioning glance as Neville shifted uncomfortably.
“Can we go a different way?” Neville asked with an embarrassed smile. Harry frowned.
“Why, what’s wrong?” Harry asked. He let out a groan when he spotted the last person he wanted to see early in the morning on an empty stomach- Snape was walking swiftly towards them with his hands folded behind his back and sporting his trademark scowl. “Great,” Harry groaned.
“He looks angry,” Neville observed.
“No, that’s his happy face I think,” Harry remarked trying to lighten Neville’s mood. “There’s no need to be nervous, we haven’t done anything wrong.”
“That’s not true,” Neville groaned. “Snape asked me for rocca-root last week, I made a mix-up and gave him roc-root by mistake.”
“Oh...Is that dangerous?” Harry asked.
“Maybe, depends what he uses it for,” Neville shrugged weakly. “I’ve been trying to tell him for days I gave him the wrong one... but every time I approach him he says something awful.”
“I know what you mean,” Harry sympathized. It was only last week Snape had loudly announced Harry’s muggle skinny jeans made him look like he had rickets. “Alright,” Harry sighed. “You dodge left and I’ll dodge right, he can’t follow us both-”
“Potter!” Snape shouted.
“Looks-like-he-had-you-in-his-sights-bad-luck-Harry,” Neville said in a jumble as he fast-walked down the adjacent corridor, leaving Harry as an open target.
“You’d never know a brave bloke like him killed Nagini,” Harry thought bitterly at Neville retreating form.
Harry’s stomach gurgled in protest urging him to follow Neville’s hasty departure to breakfast. It wasn’t too late to pretend he didn’t hear Snape.
Unfortuantely Harry made the amatur mistake of looking Snape in the eye as he turned in place.
“Don’t even think about fleeing!” Snape called to him, quickening his pace.
“Time for a different strategy,” Harry thought. He knew a thing or two about embracing a bad situation, if Snape was hoping to drag his morning down he was going to make it difficult for him. Harry gave him his warmest smile.
“Good morning, Professor,” Harry said pleasantly.
“Stop that nonsense, I can’t stomach it,” Snape said icily.
Harry’s smile wavered but didn’t disappear under Snape’s stern look. It’s true the man had always been irritated by Harry’s presence but today he seemed especially irate. Harry stood his ground, quite literally, when Snape took another step to stand uncomfortably close.
“I was only saying good morning,” Harry replied calmly. He was determined to remain personable.
“Yes, and the next time you get the urge to shower me with false kindness kindly hold your breath until it passes, or preferably, until you expire,” Snape replied. Harry pushed down feelings of anger and remained level-headed. “Your fan club may be impressed with your displays-.”
“-I do not have a fan club,” Harry cut him off with a forced laugh.
“Is that so?” Snape challenged him, “Then would you care to explain why Lucius and I had to chase one of your admirers off our property last night?”
“Why would I have to explain that?” Harry challenged. “If they were looking for me they found the wrong house, and furthermore, I don’t keep tabs on everyone who’s ever heard of me. You can hardly blame me for someone else’s mania.”
“I can and I do,” Snape shot back with his tone full of malice. “The trespasser claimed to be a writer, he disturbed our peaceful evening to demand an interview for your biography.”
“My biography?” Harry repeated. He felt an embarrassed flush heat his cheeks under Snape’s disgusted gaze.
“Don't insult me by pretending you didn’t know,” Snape said softly. “Weaker minds may be fooled by that pathetic humble-hero act, but I know you all too well to fall for it.”
“If you really knew me you’d know the last thing I’d want is someone drafting up the details of my life-” Harry started.
In a flash Snape reached toward a passing first year and ripped something out of the child’s hand. The girl let out an indignant squeak before seeing who the perpetrator was, she scurried away quickly under Snape’s scowl.
The object Snape had snatched was the Hogwarts Newsletter. He flipped a few pages before holding it up to Harry's face. Harry leaned back to see Snape was showing him an article titled, “We Appreciate our Teachers!” and suppressed a groan as he saw his own visage smiling and waving back at him.
“That’s different, it’s a monthly column to thank the staff,” Harry argued as he pushed the article out of his face. “McGonagall was interviewed last month and I was this month, someone else will be next month- it’s purely coincidental!”
“Yes, funny how I never make the page even though I've been teaching here for years…” Snape hissed. “I was even the Headmaster... briefly,” he mumbled.
“...Maybe you’d have a better shot if you had a friendlier response to ‘good morning’,” Harry replied, finally giving up on engaging with Snape in an amiable way.
“Save your vapid jokes for your equally vapid godfather,” Snape growled. It took tremendous self-control for Harry not to roll his eyes. “If your fans harass Lucius or me again there will be legal repercussions, understood?”
“I’m not responsible-” Harry started.
“-Don’t argue with me, just tell me you understand,” Snape interrupted at him with his large nostrils flaring.
“Yeah, I understand...,” Harry snapped coldly. Snape turned swiftly and stormed off with his black robes bellowing behind him. “...that you’re an arsehole,” he finished under his breath at Snape’s back.
Harry’s stomach growled and he checked his watch with a sigh. Looked like he wasn’t going to get that breakfast after all.
Teacher meetings didn’t have coffee, didn’t have tea, didn’t have scones or even a sympathy-plate of biscuits, they were all business... just like Headmistress Hermione Granger.
Hermione was dancing around the room in a ball of nervous energy. When Harry arrived she was straightening sheets of parchment she’d laid out in a tidy row at each chair.
“Good morning,” Hermione greeted Harry.
“Good mor-” Harry started. He lurched forward and barely recovered his balance as something solid bumped him from behind, launching him against the conference room table.
“Good morning, my love,” Draco greeted Hermione in a dramatic flourish. He had been the one to ram Harry aside as he gingerly sprang towards the Headmistress with his arms outstretched.
For the second time in that awful morning Harry had to remain composed as Draco wrapped his arms around Hermione and kissed her. Harry hoped she would scold him for his rudeness, but instead she seemed to melt into his embrace. Draco wasn’t usually this theatrical until Harry was in the room, there was no doubt the showy display of affection was a jab towards him.
In the past Harry had been very vocal with his disapproval at their relationship and he figured that was why Draco was going through such lengths to rub it in. Harry tried his best to pretend he wasn’t bothered by their intimate displays in order to discourage further needling, but it never seemed to work.
“You look jittery. Case of the nerves?” Draco asked squeezing her tight.
“Just setting everything up,” she said with a smile. “I don’t know why I get so nervous.”
“I don’t know either, you know I’m always here for you,” Draco said with a wink. This time Harry did react by rolling his eyes.
It was only when McGonagall arrived that Draco and Hermione parted their embrace. Harry attempted to look bored as Draco strolled towards his usual seat across from him and smirked, his pale pointed face gleaming with smug satisfaction.
“Hi Harry, how’d you fare with Snape?” Neville asked in a whisper as he dropped into the chair next to him.
“Oh, you know,” Harry mumbled with an edge of bitterness, “The same as usual, more or less.”
Snape had slipped into a chair next to Draco and the two of them scowled at Harry from across the table. Harry really wished Hermione paid closer attention to the synchronized antagonizing he had to constantly withstand from them, usually he ignored them but on a day like today it was starting to wear him down. Harry picked up the parchment in front of him and pretended to read and hoped his show of disinterest would deter more foul looks.
“I believe everyone is here,” Hermione announced once the conference table was full. “We just have a couple of things to go over. Firstly, I’m barring muggleborns from enrolling in the Muggle Studies class. Students have been taking advantage of attending the class to test what they already know in order to get an easy ‘Outstanding’, that ends this year,” Hermione paused. “Secondly, I’m organizing a Parents Night.”
The sleepy looks around the table suddenly sharpened as the professors shifted in their seats.
“Parents Night? What’s that?” Draco asked.
“It’s written on the parchment I gave everyone,” Hermione said shooting Draco a disapproving look. He had folded his own into an origami lizard which he quickly swiped off the table and began to unravel in his lap.
“Parents Night is a night we open Hogwarts to parents or guardians of the students to meet their professors,” Hermione explained, “it gives them a chance to ask questions about their children’s education.”
“Sensible,” McGonagall stated. “Parents should be more involved in understanding the curriculum.”
“I disagree,” Snape spoke up, “The curriculum hasn’t changed that much and most parents are alumni. They already know what their children is learning... unless they weren’t paying attention,” Snape’s gaze settled on Neville, “Or they dropped out their seventh year…” he remarked, his eyes now on Harry.
Draco was snickering, Harry thought it was stupid considering Draco never finished his seventh year either, in fact, the only person in his year who had bothered to go back to take their N.E.W.Ts was the current Headmistress. Harry was about to mention this when Hermione let out a frustrated grunt.
“Focus please,” Hermione chided them.
“A sizable portion of the parents are Muggles,” Harry said after a pause. “I think they’d be interested in meeting us. After all, they’ve trusted us to teach their children a life they’d never fathomed.”
Hermione’s mood lifted at Harry’s words and there were hums of agreement from the professors around the table. Draco’s brow furrowed, no doubt he was annoyed at the support Harry was getting.
“I think it’s a great idea, the Muggle parents would be thrilled,” Draco said in a tone that conveyed deep thought. “Their existence is so terribly mundane... Parents Day could potentially change their lives.”
Hermione was biting her lip to keep from laughing as Snape shot Draco a look of unbridled exasperation. It was disturbing to Harry to think that both he and Snape found Hermione and Draco’s relationship equally annoying, he didn’t like being on the same page as Snape on anything.
“So it’s official, I’m scheduling Parents Day for next month, that’ll give you all plenty of time to prepare a five minute presentation highlighting what you teach,” Hermione announced.
A hand slowly was raised into the air.
“You don’t have to raise your hand, Neville,” Hermione told him gently.
Neville made a sheepish half-smile as he lowered his arm.
“I was just wondering if we could do something like, interactive? Maybe the parents could participate in a short class- if they wanted to,” Neville suggested.
“Headmistress, we don’t want this event to turn into a liability,” Snape said coldly. “I trust I don’t have to explain why Muggles attempting magic is a disastrous affair….and Longbottom can attest that possessing magical abilities is no guarantee of competence if his infamous collection of melted cauldrons is testimony.”
Draco’s cruel laughter rang out as Neville’s shoulders slumped, though he was silenced rather quickly when Hermione shot him a stern look.
“Alright Professor, your concerns are noted,” Hermione said as Snape’s lips twitched into a ghost of a smile. “I do like the idea of the parents interacting but I agree we would have to take in account the abilities of all the parents and the safety of what they’d attempt. Please submit all ideas to me before finalizing.”
She clasped her hands together. “Unless there’s any further concerns, I believe that’s everything on the charter. Dismissed.”
Harry thanked Merlin that today’s meeting was short. He stood from his chair but was halted as Neville’s strong grasp on his arm.
“Harry, would you do me a favor?” Neville asked.
After witnessing Neville’s slight humiliation Harry couldn’t muster up the heart to refuse him, he nodded in agreement without even considering the proposal.
“Help me tell Snape about the roc-mix-up,” Neville pleaded.
“Oh please Neville, I’ve had enough of Snape,” Harry groaned. This caused Neville to look upon him with naked despair, against his better judgement Harry was moved to pity. “Fine,” he sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”
They both waited until Snape was more or less alone before walking up to him together. Neville had managed to muster up the nerve to stand in front of Snape patiently, waiting to be acknowledged. Harry wasn’t entirely certain what his duties to Neville were, so he gave him an encouraging thumbs up when Snape wasn’t looking.
“Um, Snape-” Neville started as he drummed his hands nervously against his leg.
They watched as Snape turned slowly in his seat, this tips of his long, potion-stained fingers pressed together as he glared at them. Harry swore he saw a bead of sweat beginning to form on Neville’s neck.
“That’s ‘Professor Snape’,” Snape said in a waspish tone.
“Oh- yes, of course, Professor Snape,” Neville said as his face turned pink.
“What do you want, Longbottom?” Snape drawled. Harry didn’t doubt the horrid man was enjoying Neville’s anxious reaction.
“That’s ‘Professor Longbottom’,” Harry corrected Snape.
Snape turned in his chair ever so slightly to face Harry. “Ah, it seems Potter has taken a break from his memoir to grace us with his presence,” he mocked.
“Don’t make this about me,” Harry snapped. “This is about you not giving Neville the same respect you ask from him.”
“My respect is earned and he hasn’t done anything to warrant it,” Snape replied coldly. “And it certainly isn’t given to washed-up celebrities who are so needy for attention they inject themselves in private conversations.”
In that moment Harry wondered if Hermione would give him the sack if he threw a punch and broke Snape’s huge nose. He felt confident it was just within prime punching-range, erected like a beacon, begging to be hit. Snape, who was looking satisfied at his retort, twitched and turned his chair away while brushing his fingers over his nose lightly. It occurred to Harry he was broadcasting the temptation to assault the man rather loudly.
“Now,” Snape said to Neville as he wisely ignored Harry, “What is it you want, Longbottom?”
“I’ve been meaning to tell you- that is, about the roc- um-” Neville stuttered as Snape became visually less engaged with every passing second.
The bell chimed to signal that the first class of the day would begun in five minutes time. Snape clicked his tongue against his teeth and stood up from his seat, not acknowledging Neville as he passed by him out the door. Neville looked astonished at being brushed off and he caught Harry’s eye who shrugged.
“I’m your witness, you tried to tell him,” Harry insisted.
It was rare for Harry to see Lucius Malfoy alone, but there he was sitting in the staff room and looking at Harry as if he was a spec of muck on his shiny leather shoes.
The sight of him always caused a jolt of anger in the pit of Harry’s stomach. In Harry’s opinion the man should have at least been investigated for his crimes. After the Battle of Hogwarts the Malfoys had slithered like snakes into a (semi)respectable reputation; Lucius Malfoy had escaped further tarnish on his name as he latched onto Snape’s heroic tailcoats.
Malfoy claimed he was helping Dumbledore’s spy all along, and after his bizarre marriage to Snape the deceit had gone frustratingly unquestioned. It was infuriating to see Malfoy senior roam the hallways of Hogwarts as if he hadn’t plotted to murder Muggleborn students, hadn’t fought against Harry on Voldemort’s behalf, and hadn’t destroyed families and numerous lives with his wealth and influence.
“You’re not supposed to be here during school hours,” Harry reminded him.
“Headmistress Granger, is that you?” Lucius mocked. He swung a leg over his knee. “I’m just having a quick visit. You’re not going tattle, are you?”
“Depends if you behave,” Harry replied. “You’ve gotten away with far too much.”
“Too much?” Lucius scoffed.
“You know what I mean,” Harry pressed.
“If you’re implying I have any idea what your sinister agenda is behind these blind, vague, fruitless accusations are, you’re wrong,” Lucius hummed.
“It’s not an agenda to acknowledge you’re breaking school rules, and probably laws, by showing up here unannounced,” Harry informed him.
“You’re truly a spark of light in this dark age of undefended school policy,” Lucius mocked him. “And they said you’d peaked.”
Harry didn’t rise to the bait. Lucius seemed to have noticed Harry’s reluctance to engage, his eyes followed Harry to the armchair perched across the coffee table and openly stared as Harry settled in it.
“Do you ever wish the Dark Lord was still alive to give your life meaning again?” Lucius asked him quietly.
Harry felt a rage bubble in the pit of his stomach. He broke away from his plan to ignore his tormentor and held his gaze as a knowing smile slowly creeped on Malfoy’s face.
“Voldemort’s life didn’t give me meaning and I don’t miss him... unlike some,” Harry replied.
“I don’t miss him either if that’s what you’re implying,” Lucius laughed. “No one will disagree that he became dangerously unstable in the end. None of us were safe from his... obsessions.”
“And in the beginning?” Harry asked coldly.
“Great men are often unappreciated within their lifetime,” Lucius said without blinking. “You wouldn’t understand, you were too close, too sensitive to his atrocities to fully appreciate his vision. You never witnessed the Dark Lord in his prime when he was a powerful force that brought real change to wizarding society, nothing like the soft, comfortable bureaucracies of today.”
“You’re a disgrace of a wizard just like he was,” Harry replied.
The smug smile was gone and replaced with a hateful scowl.
“Watch your words, Potter,” Lucius hissed, stiffening. “We may all be on the same side now but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost all my bite.”
“...Bite me,” Harry snapped holding Malfoy’s gaze.
Lucius tilted his head slightly with a scowl on his face. Harry could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, he didn’t care if he was falling into Malfoys’ trap and into a fight. Maybe this was his plan all along? To duel Harry? Harry watched Malfoy’s hand grip the handle of his snake cane tightly.
Well if it was a duel Malfoy wanted, he’d get it.
They were interrupted when the staff door opened and McGonagall entered with Hermione deep in conversation.
“Saved again by your betters, hm?” Lucius whispered to Harry softly.
Harry jumped to his feet, his hand clenched tightly around his wand. Lucius’ cold, grey eyes never blinked.
Hermione’s hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his fury.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” Hermione asked him. “What happened?”
McGonagall was looking puzzled and equally concerned as he slowly disarmed himself by placing his wand back into his cloak.
“Hermione, can I speak with you please?” Harry said. He took special care not to look at Malfoy least the man set him off again. “Privately.”
“Of course,” Hermione remarked. “Excuse me, Minerva.”
“Headmistress,” McGonagall relented.
Harry left the staffroom quckly. Hermione closed the door behind them as Harry waited for her in the hallway.
“You look furious,” Hermione observed.
“I’m done with Lucius Malfoy and so are you if you’re smart,” Harry informed her. She couldn’t hide her discomfort at the anger in his tone. “He tried to provoke me into attacking him, the man is diabolical.”
“He’s not, he’s just bored,” Hermione said with a longsuffering smile. Harry went stoney-faced and her smile faded. “Listen, you’re not the only one he enjoys riling up, Merlin knows he does it to me too,” she insisted.
Harry didn’t know who he was more angry at, her or Malfoy. It was maddening how many excuses she made for them. He felt like he was in his fifth year again trying with all his might to warn the world that Voldemort had returned. Judging from her defensive body language everything he said to her fell on deaf ears.
“Do you hear me? Malfoy tried to get me to duel him,” Harry snapped.
“He challenged you to a duel?” Hermione asked him.
“Not in those words -but does it matter? Get him out of here, Hermione,” Harry urged her. “I’m begging you.”
“It would be really easy to kick out anyone we don’t like, but the truth is if he hasn’t done anything or hurt anyone I can’t justify taking action against him,” Hermione said. “He actually signed in at the office today, he followed the rules-”
“Damn the rules, he struts around the castle acting like he owns us all and has the audacity to hero-worship Voldemort in front of me!” Harry burst out in a fury.
“That’s horrible...I’ll talk to him,” Hermione offered lamely.
“Alright, we know he’s in the staffroom right now,” Harry told her. She looked on the verge of making another excuse but Harry wasn’t going to let her off so easily. “I’ll come with you.”
“No, you seem too upset,” Hermione said.
“I’m not,” Harry replied. It wasn’t true but he wasn’t going to give her a reason to avoid confronting Malfoy. “I’m not,” he repeated in a calmer voice under her skeptical frown.
Harry watched her face the staffroom door with anxiety. Her slender shoulders rose as she took a deep breath in, she must have realized there was no escaping the confrontation Harry pushed her into.
She turned the knob and Harry followed her back into the staffroom. He caught part of a conversation Malfoy was having with McGonagall that she was giving terse, polite responses to.
“I own parts of Edinburgh, I bought a few gardens there on a whim,” he told her. “You should visit them.”
“Mmm,” McGonagall hummed.
“I used to keep them gated and private... but after my wedding to Severus I decided to open them to the public. People kept on trying to break in, I had security give muggles and wizards alike the boot. ...Consider it my eternal wedding gift to your people,” Lucius purred.
“That’s generous of you,” McGonagall remarked dryly.
“Mr. Malfoy,” Hermione interrupted. Harry was pleased to hear a note of determination in her tone.
“Headmistress,” Lucius replied pleasantly.
“We must discuss your conduct,” Hermione stated. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and Lucius raised an eyebrow. “Harry has his concerns and-”
“-That is a beautiful bracelet.” Lucius interrupted, nodding to her wrist.
“I’m sorry, what?” Hermione said.
“Draco gave that to you, did he?” Lucius asked.
“He did,” Hermione said cautiously. “But that's not important, Mr. Malfoy, we have serious matters to address.”
“It’s a family heirloom but it’s well within his rights to gift it,” Lucius laughed. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do anything as tasteless as suggest you return it to me.”
“I’m relieved, however-” Hermione started once more.
“-My father gave it to my mother on their first year anniversary and I gave it to my wife during our honeymoon,” he reminisced. “It always reminds me of that passionate night in Paris,” Lucius purred, looking deeply into her eyes. “He didn’t give it to you in Paris, did he?”
Hermione squeaked in humiliation as he grinned, his cold eyes flashing. Harry’s heart sank.
“Maybe you should have it,” Hermione said in a strained voice.
“Hermione,” Harry snapped. “it’s just a bracelet-”
“I couldn’t,” Lucius protested. “if it was given to you then it’s yours.”
“No, if it was your wife’s it’s not really proper for me to have it,” she said turning pink. “And if it means so much to your family, I couldn't.”
“If she didn’t take it with her she doesn’t want it,” Lucius replied simply. “The truth is it doesn’t belong to me. Draco and I are in complete agreement that it belongs on the wrist of a beautiful woman, always has, always will.”
Hermione was speechless for the second time.
“Now, what was it you were saying?” Lucius asked pleasantly.
“You….you owe Harry an apology,” She said her face now flushing red.
He turned his attentions to Harry with a mocking smile.
“I apologize if I caused you any discomfort, Mr. Potter,” Lucius said smoothly. “I promise to be more mindful in the future.”
“Good,” Hermione said. She had an expression of a woman who wanted nothing more than to run away from the room. “So it’s settled.”
Harry had to swallow down a curse as he looked from Hermione to Lucius to McGonagall (who was shooting him a piteous look). Hermione was already backing away to the door as Lucius watched them in amusement. When her back was turned Malfoy snapped his white teeth together with a loud click at Harry.
Harry joined Hermione in retreating out of the staff room. She had removed the bracelet and was eyeing it with trepidation. It wasn’t until Harry slammed the door that she awoke from her thoughts and bit her lip.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Hermione said in a defeated tone.
“A bracelet, Hermione? You let him derail you over that?” Harry told her. “You know what he was doing.”
“Yes, of course I know he was toying with me. But what was I supposed to say? ‘Thanks for the family shagging-bracelet, you’re banned from Hogwarts forever’?” Hermione replied.
“Yes!” Harry said, throwing up his hands in a dramatic display of frustration. “That’s precisely what you should have said!”
“And what reason would I tell Draco his father’s gone?” Hermione sighed. “What would I tell Professor Snape?”
“Not anything they don’t know- Lucius Malfoy is slippery, manipulative bastard who’s worn out his welcome,” Harry huffed.
“Just to be clear, you’re asking me to sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend’s father and lose one of our best teachers just because Malfoy said something you didn’t like and you’re convinced he is evil.”
“He is evil!” Harry snapped.
“He apologized-”
“Bloody wonderful!” Harry scoffed. “I’m sure if Voldemort apologized to me in seventh year we’d be best mates, skipping down the corridors hand-in-hand!”
“Harry…” Hermione sighed.
“Thank you for hearing me out,” Harry snapped.
Harry turned on his heel and walked away while waving her protests off.
Harry went in circles around the castle until his shoes began to pinch. That was the thing about Hogwarts, you never ran out of rooms to grow tired of or hallways to retread. Though he knew most of the castle via Marauders Map it always felt fresh. He was in the west tower when he sat on a wooden bench and took in a hanging tapestry.
“Harry?”
Remus Lupin smiled at him and strolled through the hall, looking at the tapestry as Harry watched. Harry wondered if he knew he was wearing Sirius’ cloak,though he would never ask as he believed it impolite to bring it up.
“Classes done for the day?” Remus asked. Harry nodded. “...You look a little wilted. Everything ok?”
Harry ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, letting out a breath of frustration.
“Ah,” Remus mused, “I know that sigh, you’ve had a run-in with a Malfoy, haven’t you?”
The residue of his fight with Hermione was still weighing heavily on him, he managed a weak smile as Remus draped an arm around his shoulders and beaconed him to follow.
“Come on, you can tell me all about it over a hot cup of tea,” Remus said leading him into his office.
Because Remus was the resident substitute professor his office was the most eclectic in nature. Harry spotted piles of scrolls ranging from Charms to First Year Muggle Studies homework. (A rotary-phone, flip-phone and smartphone was placed in a wicker basket.)
A little table was cleared off and two cups on saucers sat on tidy place settings. An old teapot was the centerpiece. Harry took Remus’ lead and settled into his chair.
“Were you expecting me? You haven’t been subbing for Trelawney, have you?” Harry marvelled.
“No, I faked an ‘Acceptable’ in Divination like all the rest of you mere wizards, I’m afraid,” Remus admitted with a chuckle. “Sirius and I always grab a cup after a full day,” he explained as he poured the tea for Harry. “So, which one of the Malfoys are responsible for the drag in your steps?”
“All three of them,” Harry said. “They seem to be taking turns making today a misery.”
“Ah, well the day is only partly over, I’m certain we can turn it around,” Remus replied.
“Likely the nightmare’s only partly over,” Harry whined. “Speaking of nightmares, did you know there’s some daft author running about asking for interviews for my biography?”
“Yes, I’ve met Mr. Harrison, ” Remus replied. Harry slowly put down his tea cup with a sigh. “You’re famous, Harry. People are curious how you defeated the greatest evil of our age.”
“Oh god, is that a line from the book?” Harry asked. “Please tell me you didn’t contribute to that madness.”
“Heavens no,” Remus smiled. Harry relaxed and Remus cleared his throat, “Sirius however…”
Harry groaned.
“I’m sorry, he really should have asked you before answering all Harrison’s questions. I think he’s proud of you and Harrison made it easy for him to say so,” Remus explained.
“Well I wish he’d had stopped with Sirius,” Harry huffed. “My rotten luck that Harrison fellow chose to show up at the Malfoy Manor last night. Snape chased him away and didn’t waste a second of his morning to find me so he could tell me off.”
“Hm, I would say it’s extraordinarily good luck for you that they didn’t take him up on that interview,” Remus remarked with a grin. “Although I admit I would be curious to read whatever became of it.”
“I’m sure the Malfoy’s wouldn’t mind giving you the highlights,” Harry muttered bitterly.
A knock announced Sirius’ arrival. Remus flicked his wand and another cup with saucer floated onto the table.”
“What’s this? Replacing me already?” Sirius teased as he caught sight of Harry. He bent down and kissed Remus before grabbing a biscuit off a plate.
“Never,” Remus chided him.
“Hullo Harry,” Sirius greeted him. His face fell at Harry’s half-hearted attempt at a greeting. “It’s quite alright, mate, it’s not like it’s my favorite seat in the damn world,” he laughed.
“The Malfoys have been giving Harry a hard time,” Remus interjected. “Especially Snape concerning that biography Harrison is writing.”
“Ha! I knew Snape would be jealous,” Sirius howled. When Harry didn’t react he put on a more sympathetic disposition. “You shouldn’t let him get to you, Harry.”
Harry bit back a scoff at the hypocritical advice. It was well-known by everyone in the school that Snape and Sirius fought viciously about three times a week. What once would have been an alarming confrontation between two hot-headed wizards had now become routine, to the degree that students often walked around them and talked over their shouting with conversations of their own.
“Snape’s been worse than usual,” Harry claimed. “I was one snide comment away from breaking his nose today.”
Sirius looked excited at the confession before quickly controlling his expression to concern as Remus shot him a disapproving look.
“And then Lucius Malfoy joined in,” Harry said dropping his teacup with a clatter. “He composed a love-sonnet to Voldemort to goad me into duelling him.”
“...We should talk to them,” Sirius said pointedly to Harry.
“Sirius, you are head of security, your job is to end trouble not start it, remember?” Remus reminded him.
“There’s nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself,” Sirius said.
“If you’re having trouble with Malfoy you should go to the Headmistress-” Remus suggested.
“-I did, she was no help,” Harry cut him off angrily. “She’s got a conflict of interest. As far as she’s concerned Malfoy’s empty apology makes us even, and she never does anything about Snape’s bullying.”
“Perhaps if we all press upon the need for her to act-” Remus suggested.
“Harry tried to do things the diplomatic way with the slimey gits and it didn’t work,” Sirius interrupted. “As it never does,” he said pointedly.
“Not never, Sirius,” Remus sighed.
“Never,” Sirius mouthed at Harry.
“I can see you,” Remus said flatly to Sirius.
“A gentle touch doesn’t work with the Snakes and you know it,” Sirius proclaimed to Remus. “You’ve been nice to Snape for how long? And he still treats you like rubbish.”
“Severus and I are civil to each other,” Remus said. “He makes me the Wolfsbane potion every month, which as you know is very complicated and time consuming. It’s always perfect and I owe him my thanks.”
“...Ok sweetheart, you’re right,” Sirius relented.
Sirius placed his empty cup of tea on the table and leaned into Harry.
“Just to set the record straight,” Sirius whispered, “I told Snape if he didn’t make Remus the wolfsbane potion every month I’d prank Lucius Malfoy and his fop-boy son out of Hogwarts.”
“I think you should try talking to Hermione again, she may not understand the weight of the issue,” Remus suggested.
“We’re beyond giving it the by-the-book try, aren’t we Harry?” Sirius asked.
Harry hated to disagree with Remus but felt only Sirius was really grasping his discontent.
“They’ve crossed the line,” Harry said.
Remus pursed his lips together tightly at the comment.
“Want to come with us?” Sirius asked.
“You know the answer to that,” Remus replied.
“Then wish me luck,” Sirius said stealing another kiss.
“Don’t get fired,” Remus said in a tone that suggested it was a common phrase.
“Don’t worry Moony, we’re just going to mess with them a tad, nothing too bad,” Sirius laughed.
“We’re going to send Snivellus into a weeping-coma,” Sirius said walking tightly next to Harry as they bounded down the corridor.
“I’d be happy to help as long as it doesn’t involve a werewolf and the Shrieking Shack,” Harry replied.
“No, that’s been done, he wouldn’t fall for that again,” Sirius said waving an unconcerned hand. “Plus he gets very irritating when he thinks he’s in mortal peril.”
“You mean when he's actually in mortal peril,” Harry reminded him.
“Nah, that twitchy, little cockroach will never die,” Sirius huffed.
“Sirius,” Harry groaned.
“We’re not going to hurt him physically,” Sirius assured him with a sigh. “My tactics have evolved, psychological warfare is much more satisfying these days.”
“Oh...good,” Harry laughed. He knew it was immature, but he felt a lot better knowing retaliation was on the horizon for how poorly he was treated.
The dungeons were dank and cool and Harry followed Sirius to Snape’s door. So many times he felt dread standing outside it, but being next to his godfather, knowing Snape was to be punished, he felt exhilarated.
Sirius landed three heavy-handed knocks and backed away. Snape opened the door halfway with a sneer.
“Snape,” Sirius greeted him with a stern nod.
Snape eyes twitched nervously from Sirius to Harry to all around them. He looked suspicious of their unannounced intrusion.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Snape asked.
“We got an anonymous tip that a dark artifact is somewhere in your office,” Sirius told him evenly. Snape looked surprised before scowling deeply. “Step aside.”
“I’ll do nothing of a sort,” Snape said still blocking Sirius’ way.
“As head of security I’m giving you an order,” Sirius stated.
“I don’t take commands from over-enthusiastic hallway monitors,” Snape sneered.
“Right,” Sirius huffed, squaring his shoulders and standing tall. “This can go one of two ways, we can either be professionals about this or you can force me to become unpleasant. And me being unpleasant over this has the Headmistress’ full backing...understand?”
Harry could see Snape weighing Sirius’ words as they waited calmly before him. Reluctantly he stepped backward allowing them entrance into the room.
“Hurry up then,” Snape grunted.
Harry kept his face carefully neutral as Snape loomed close to him, his cold eyes unblinking as they crossed the room.
“Who suggested I’m hiding away a dark artifact? I have a right to face my accuser,” The look he was giving Harry made it clear he believed it to be his fault.
“No one is accusing you of anything...yet,” Sirius replied. “This is a routine security operation.”
“And what makes you think this tip is legitimate?” Snape asked them. “I find it likely this intrusion was fabricated to inconvenience me. I have been inconvenienced of late,” he scowled at Harry.
“It’s not my job to question motives. Legitimate or not it’s standard practice to take a security threat seriously,” Sirius replied as they approached Snape’s office. He opened the door and Harry followed him inside with Snape following in the rear.
Sirius turned and placed a hand against Snape’s chest and pushed him out of the room. “Stand back,” he ordered.
Snape roughly slapped Sirius’ hand off him.
“Surely if I’m not being accused of anything I can aid you in your search?” Snape suggested in a waspish tone.
“No, I can’t bring speculation into the investigation else you be accused of removing something,” Sirius reasoned, unaffected by Snape’s anger. “That would cause problems for you and me. If you want I’ll allow you to watch from the doorway.”
Snape went unnaturally still as he watched them closely familiarize themselves with the room. Sirius rubbed his chin and began to rearrange the illuminated, creepy jars that decorated his office.
“Oops,” Sirius said.
He swept his long arm along the shelf and toppled five jars to the floor. They shattered and their contents splattered on the stone floor.
“You fool!” Snape shouted.
“Apologies,” Sirius said dryly.
“Some of those ingredients are unstable!” Snape shrieked in anger.
“...Sounds like you would know,” Sirius remarked over his shoulder.
“There never was a security concern, was there!?” Snape shouted. “This is some sort of shakedown!’
“Don’t get paranoid on us,” Sirius barked. “Some may interpret that as a sign of guilt.”
Harry saw a sprig labeled ‘Rocca-Root’ in a jar. Snape was too absorbed in the mayhem Sirius inflicted to pay attention to Harry. He opened the jar and stuck the weedy sprigs in his cloak pocket leaving Snape with none.
“There you are, Neville, you can breathe again,” Harry thought.
Sirius was pushing jars aside when something caught his eye.
“Hullo, what’s this?” Sirius said pulling out a bottle. “Drinking on the job, Snape?” He turned it around to read the label “Superior Red”.
“Lucius owns an Apothecary, it’s one of his wines,” Snape hissed. “He gave it to me to test its properties.”
“If it’s not school sanctioned I’ll have it inspected,” Sirius remarked as he handed the bottle to Harry.
“Was there any doubt?” Snape spat sarcastically, starting to become undone by his rage.
Snape seemed to be winding up as tight as a bowstring as Sirius made the decision to shuffle from his shelves to his desk drawer. Harry couldn’t help but revel in Snape’s powerless state as he stood there, his fists clenched so tight his knuckles were white and his face the color of sour milk.
“Oh Merlin...really?” Sirius scoffed. Harry traded a laugh with him as he held up a photo of a shirtless Lucius Malfoy. “Ugh, is this what Snape-Malfoy love looks like? Come on, you can’t really be charmed by these cheesy poses.”
“That’s private!” Snape shouted, quivering in anger as he took a step inside the room.
“Get back!” Sirius boomed, his professional demeanor returning.
Snape seemed to be wrestling with himself as he slowly shrank into the doorway. His expression was livid as Sirius flipped through a few more photos.
“Please don’t be sticky,” Sirius muttered. Snape opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it as he glared from afar. “Gross, gross, gross,” Sirius was commenting as he quickly flipped through photos of Lucius in various states of undress. “...Blimey, I see good-looks run in the family,” Sirius laughed flashing Harry a dogeared photo of Snape’s mother. “What sort of mental case has a pic of their mum in a stack of sexy photos? Only you would do something so profoundly disturbing, Snape. Really, what’s wrong with you?”
Harry watched as Snape squirmed in humiliation unable to meet their eyes. Though Snape had never shown any restraint in embarrassing Harry, he was beginning to feel a little bad for him being on the receiving end of Sirius’ abuse.
“I don’t see anything dark arts related,” Harry reported back to Sirius hoping his godfather would get the hint that they were finished. Sirius nodded.
“Alright, all clear,” Sirius said in a bored tone as he dropped the photos on Snape’s desk.
The office was thoroughly trashed and whatever Sirius had knocked over was beginning to smell like dead fish left out too long in the sun. Snape was shaking in anger as Sirius trod on broken glass and approached him with a mocking smile.
“I think I’ve seen everything I need to... for now,” Sirius remarked. “Guess we can go back to our peaceful lives, eh?”
“...Guess so,” Snape replied, his voice barely above a whisper.
Harry could feel the mutual hatred radiating from them.
“Let's go,” Harry urged Sirius.
Harry thought the heat of Snape’s glare would smolder them to ash if they lingered.
“Let’s see if the other slimey, Slytherin snake is still in the castle,” Sirius said as they climbed the stairs out of the dungeons.
Harry recognized they were headed towards the staffroom. However, instead of going there Sirius stopped next to a tall painting of a blond woman holding a small dog.
“Report,” Sirius said.
“No disturbances in the East or West towers,” She said. “There was a pushing match between two First Years, but they resolved it.”
“Excellent,” Sirius said. “Is Lucius Malfoy still in the castle?”
“Yes sir,” she replied. “He’s currently in the staffroom.”
Sirius turned to Harry with a nod. “I always have them keep a close eye on his whereabouts.” Sirius regarded the painting. “And I’m looking for Peeves.”
“Oh,” she sighed, “I believe he was last seen enchanting sandwiches in The Great Hall. Screamed bloody murder whenever one bit into them,” She said shaking her head slowly.
“Thank you, Doreen,” Sirius said.
“Sir,” she replied.
They were on the move again as they left towards The Great Hall.
“Padfoot,” Harry said as they walked. “Do you spy on people?”
“I’m head of security, I can’t be everywhere at once. I need to know what's happening everywhere in the castle,” Sirius replied. “It’s really not much different than using the Map.”
When they arrived at the Great Hall only a few students were there. Mealtime was over, but Harry spied a plate of tea sandwiches on the Hufflepuff table.
“Over there,” Harry said pointing to the plate.
“Peeves!” Sirius sang loudly. “Where are you?”
Harry was unsure about involving Peeves in any sort of plan, the poltergeist wasn’t known for being reliable in any sense.
“Bow-wow-wow!”
A ghost dog with a long, drooling tongue barked at them as it materialized from the stone floor. Harry saw little ghost-fleas jumping off Peeves’ doggy form. He stopped his barking to scratched his ear with his foot.
“I come in peace,” Sirius announced with a full, white-toothed smile. “Ah!” he danced backward as Peeves lunged at him, snarling.
“Look, I know the Headmistress has got you on lockdown pretty tight,” Sirius said. Peeves let out a whine. “But what if I gave you the opportunity to blow off some steam without any blow-back? What if I promise you that no matter what you do to Lucius Malfoy you won’t get in trouble?”
“Lucy-goosey?” Peeves sang, transfiguring back into his original form.
“That’s right,” Sirius urged. “Lucius Malfoy is in the staffroom now, if you unleash hell I promise to vouch on your behalf.”
“Hmmmmmmmm,” Peeves mulled. He grew horns and a tail. “OK!”
“Splendid!” Sirius proclaimed. “But it's very important you wait for my signal.”
Peeves blew a raspberry in Sirius’ face which Harry supposed sealed the deal.
“Harry you’ll need your invisibility cloak,” Sirius said turning to him. “Meet me in ten minutes outside the staff room.”
“Ready?” Sirius asked.
“Yes,” Harry said. He draped the invisibility cloak over his body. “what about you?”
Sirius reached inside his cloak pulled out a small, corked bottle labeled “invisibility”. A transparent liquid swirled as he shook it. “I’ll have to manage with this.”
Harry watched him disappear as he drank the contents in one large gulp.
“Ok Peeves,” Sirius whispered. He carefully opened the staff door and tip-toed inside.
McGonagall must have broken away from Lucius at some point because he was alone. His feet was kicked up on the coffee table while he read the Daily Prophet.
Harry was invisible yet couldn’t see Sirius who had chosen that moment to stop. He bumped into him and nearly tripped, only saving himself as he gripped a side table perched against the wall.
Malfoy glanced up from his paper briefly at the sound. Harry kept himself flat against the wall and as he positioned himself for optimal view.
When Lucius’ interest returned to The Daily Prophet Harry saw him bristle as his eyes darted to the headline.
“Lucius Malfoy, Prat Extraordinaire,” Lucius read aloud. “What the devil?” he growled, spotting the lead. “Desperate, old man uses pathetic measures to recapture youth”? Old man?” He snarled. “50’s the new 30!”
The newspaper was ripped through the middle as a snake burst through it, hissing. Lucius shouted and jumped out of the chair. He searched for his wand before it dawned on him his snake-cane had been transfigured.
“Luuuuu-ssssssssssy!” The Peeves-snake hissed.
“Merlin’s goat! It’s you!” Lucius raged. “ I should have known this was your handiwork!” Lucius accused Peeves. “Now listen, I have no patience for your asinine trickery. Get lost and transfigure the owls into hens, or whatever is you damn-stupid pests do for fun.”
“Let’s play dress-up!” Peeves teased.
Twelaneys shaws snaked from under the staffroom door and circled around Lucius’ head like vultures viewing their prey. He side-stepped as they closed in, unable to dodge the brightly colored garments as they wrapped around him tightly.
“Ah!” Lucius gulped. He hooked his fingers around the shaw wrapping around his neck. “Where did you get these gauche monstrosities?”
There was a screeching and the old, gramophone, (long forgotten in the corner of the staff room) began to roll to life in an eerie echo.
“You’re sooooo vain,” the gramophone sang, “You probably think this song is about you- you’re soooo vaaaaaain!”
Lucius crossed the room and toppled the gramophone over in a rage. The music cut off in a squeal, only to be replaced with a loud snipping noise. Sirius chuckled as a look of shock crossed Lucius’ face and he gripped the back of his head. Peeves floated above him twirling a ponytail of white-blond hair between his ghostly fingers as Lucius gaped in horror.
“Oh! You wicked little pissant!” Malfoy shouted in despair as Peeves tittered. “You’ve just sealed the end of your worthless existence!”
Both Harry and Sirius were snorting with laughter, unable to contain their mirth in silence. Peeves blew a raspberry as Lucius tore the shaws off his body and stomped on them in a fit of temper.
“Lucy and Snape-y sittin’ in a tree,” Peeves sang as he looped in the air. “ K-i-s-s-i-n-g!”
Sensing he was in danger of losing more than just his hair, Lucius abandoned his admonishment. Gone was the haughty, confident, imposing figure that Harry had fought with, his face was now writ with fear as he bounded towards the doorway in a fast walk, careful not to run, as if a sudden burst of movement would provoke Peeves to action.
“First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE-” Peeve’s sang the next lines, inching towards the frazzled Lucius Malfoy. “Then-!”
Malfoy yelped when a bang came from the old staff-room closet. An antique baby carriage rolled out of it and stopped in front of Lucius’ path, cutting him off from his exit. He recoiled as the wail of a baby assaulted filled the room. Harry thought it’s screams so loud he was certain any passerby’s would surely hear it and rush to it’s aid.
“End this madness!” Lucius shouted above the cries.
“Okie-dokie!” Peeves replied. He let out an obnoxious string of laughter, made a backflip in the air, then with a pop disappeared.
The cries from the baby softened. With the absence of Peeves Harry began to wonder if the poltergeist had actually kidnapped a baby...it was a bit of a toss-up in his opinion. After all, Sirius had promised him amnesty from anything.
Lucius pushed the carriage out of his way and opened the staff door roughly, only to stop as a whine escaped from the pram. Harry marveled as Malfoy paused, his hand on the doorknob as he glanced back at the baby.
Anger and worry warred across his brow as the baby’s whines became longer.
“Dammit to hell,” Lucius cursed. He took cautious steps toward the crying curiosity and peered into the carriage.
The pram wiggled and Lucius cocked his head. His hands dipped into the carriage and slowly he pulled out an infant wrapped in linen.
Lucius’ expression darkened into exasperation as he dropped the child, who was now floating in the air. Harry and Sirius giggled as they caught sight of the baby, who by all accounts looked like a regular baby except it was donning Snape’s distinctly large, hooked nose.
“Going for the easy joke, are we?” Lucius criticized spitefuly. “Well you’ve failed, I happen to like his nose,” he added. “And I hope you enjoyed this production because it’s sure to send you to the underworld, especially for cutting my hair!”
Baby-Peeves pouted comically as Malfoy seethed. In response to the threat the ghost-baby projectile-vomited a spray of water right in Lucius’ face, causing Harry and Sirius to gasp. They saw the stream was occasionally littered with what Harry guessed was pond scum. The regal Lucius Malfoy fled from the room with his hands covering his face as Peeves followed him out the door and down the hallway, cackling.
“That was brilliant,” Sirius chuckled. “Peeves is a true artist!”
“I think Malfoy may skip a few visits to recover,” Harry said with a grin.
“Come on,” Sirius said slapping Harry on the back. “Let’s go open that bottle of wine and celebrate.”