Chapter Text
1.
'I can't believe I agreed to come up here.’
‘It was only a matter of time Evans. Inevitable. Written in the stars some may say…’
‘I could always turn and leave?’
‘No, no, no! Just give me a second! I know the rotas are up here somewhere! They might be in the bathroom actually!’
‘The bathroom…?’ Lily asks perplexed, turning to see James disappear through the bathroom door. She thought he’d been pulling her leg, but obviously not! She shouldn't have been surprised really. For some reason the Gryffindor boys were prone to bouts of strange behaviour and keeping the prefect duty rota in the bathroom appeared to be proof of that.
‘Feel free to make yourself comfortable while I look!’ James calls from somewhere from the other room, ‘You can sit on my bed if you like!’
‘You wish Potter,’ The redhead retorts with a roll of her eyes. She knows she’d never hear the end of it if she indulges him. The fact that she’s in his dorm room is bound to give him plenty of material to work with for a while although it isn't actually the first time she’s been in here. Back in fifth year she had frequently visited when she’d tutored Remus in potions. It didn't stop her from looking around now though.
The room is dark despite it being a Sunday afternoon. This is due to the fact that the boys have failed to draw the curtains open in the morning. She vaguely wonders why the house elves haven't bothered to but then again she knows the boys have most of them wrapped around their little fingers and have probably sweet talked them into leaving their room be on Sundays. No doubt for a longer lie in. The room is fairly tidy, considering, although there is suitable evidence of the fact the four teenage boys share this room. There are muddy trainers lying here and there; brooms lying in a heap; what she could make out to be vandalised Chocolate Frog cards sitting on someone’s trunk; and Quidditch magazines (and other titles usually reserved for the the top shelf of a muggle newsagents) strewn around the bed she is certain is Peter’s. Speaking of which, she notices that he’s made no attempt to make it this morning and surprise, surprise neither has the bed next to it. Her eyes travel to the third bed which she knows to be Sirius’ and finds that he hasn't even bothered to draw the bed hangings. That leaves Remus’ bed at the far end.
Lily walks towards it feeling strangely curious. She’d always wondered how the gentle mannered boy managed to survive amongst his boisterous friends. To her surprise this bed too hasn’t been made but there is a very good reason for this. Namely that the owner of the bed is still asleep in it and he doesn't appear to be alone. Cuddling into Remus’ side with his head tucked intimately under his chin and arm slung around his waist is no other than Sirius Black.
Lily lets out a gasp of surprise without meaning to because somewhere in the back of her mind this isn't actually all that surprising. She’s seen how the pair of them are together and to be completely honest, this makes complete sense to her.
'What's wrong?' She can hear James stride from the door to come stand beside her, 'Oh,' he merely says, not needing her to answer. He's taking in the scene before him too. For a second Lily wonders at his reaction. He's calm as if he's not surprised by the sight of his two best friends lying intimately together. Perhaps this something that he already knows was happening and has, for once in his life, shown a little maturity about? But then...
'I knew it!' James cries incredulously and Lily watches as the boys wake up; Remus looking startled and Sirius sleep fogged and confused. They untangle from their embrace and look towards the idiotic baboon that's making a scene two feet away from the bed they've been sharing.
'I fucking knew it!' The unlikely Head Boy continues; pointing his fingers at the pair.
'What's going on?' Sirius voice is heavy with a croaky sleepiness that could almost be described as sensual had he not looked utterly confused. Remus looks no better as he sits up; his whole demeanor could only be described as rumpled.
'What's going on?' James cries out in disbelief, 'I think you should be the one to explain that!'
'What's he on about Evans?' The raven haired boy looks to the girl who usually acts as the voice of reason and sometimes interpreter of the Marauder’s bewildering behavior. She almost begins to explain but thinks better of it. She knows exactly what James is getting at but she has a feeling it's been misjudged somewhat. Yes the pair looked incredibly intimate whilst they were asleep but on seeing them awake Lily can almost feel the innocence of the situation radiating from them. James crows on without even thinking.
'All those times I caught you both looking at each other funny! The hugs! The cosying up to one another! I thought I was imagining it but I've been right all along!'
Lily expects to find Sirius looking outraged at the accusation but to her surprise sees a look of guilt flash across his features before settling on one of shame. Perhaps she was wrong? Perhaps it wasn't as innocent as she’d thought. But then…
'What exactly have you been right about all along?' Remus speaks up; his hair sticking up in all different directions.
'About you two! In bed together!'
‘And…? We were only having a nap!’ The werewolf protests but there's an underlying worry to the tone of his voice.
‘Yeah alright and me and Wormtail are planning on having a shower together later!’ James cries out incredulously, ‘And maybe after that we’ll have a cuddle down by the fire!’
‘That’s not how it is,’ Remus protests quietly; his face burning with embarrassment and shame.
‘Oh really?’
‘Yeah,’ And Lily can tell Remus is speaking the truth but he appears somewhat mournful about it. She turns her attention towards the other boy who has been remarkably quiet these past moments despite the allegations being thrown at him. She finds him sitting on the edge of the bed looking pensive. She thinks this must be the first time she’s ever seen him like this. As if it's the only matter he’s ever been unprepared to shout and fight about.
'When I first started suspecting I have to admit I was a little disgusted by the idea,’ James begins.
'James,' Lily gives out a warning but he prattles on regardless.
‘I didn't really like the idea of my two best mates being, well, you know. But then it turns out Ian Woodside is too and he helped me out last term on that Transfig project and was a top bloke so I reckon if it was alright for him to be then it's certainly okay for the pair of you!'
Despite James’ words of warped acceptance there’s a tense silence in the room; Remus is fidgeting with a corner of his duvet whilst Sirius is staring straight at the wall in front of him with an angry glare. Lily wishes someone would say something(other than James, who has clearly already said far too much);or laugh it off; or even start a tussle like they usually do to resolve arguments or misunderstandings but all they do is sit there and let the silence become more and more uncomfortable.
‘Well as much as that warms my heart, mate, you can keep it because nothing's going on between us,’ Sirius’ smile is tight and his friendly tone forced and it’s now that Lily realises that, yes there is nothing going on but Sirius Black sincerely wishes something was.
James looks at him for a moment before flitting his eyes across the bed to where Remus is perched on the furthest edge away from the boy he’d only moments ago been napping with. Lily hopes James reads the situation for what it really is and has enough sense to tread lightly.
‘I see,’ he nods and Lily wants to cry out in thanks to whoever has blessed this infuriating boy with an ounce of sensitivity, no matter how delayed it has been.
‘We better go,’ the redhead places a hand gently on his elbow, ‘We’re late for the meeting.’
‘Yeah,’ James replies distractedly as his attention is still focussed on his two shamefaced friends. He shakes himself a little and pulls all his attention towards the girl, ‘Yeah you’re right. Let's go.’
With one last apologetic glance at the boys James turns and leads Lily from the awkwardness in the room. She can't help but turn around once more for a parting glimpse of what they’re leaving behind. Sirius and Remus are sitting in silence, both looking anywhere accept the other. The embarrassment, confusion and unsaid words are hanging around them so clearly that something in her chest aches a little. Those poor boys, she thinks as she leaves the rooming closes the door.
‘Fuck!’
Her attention is brought squarely to James as they stand on the top of the stairway together. He’s rubbing his hands across face in anguish and Lily senses it's not because he disapproves of what so’s blatantly being ignored by his two friends but more because it's being ignored in the first place.
*
Remus doesn't know where to look. He also doesn't know what to say. One of his best friends of nearly seven years is sitting only a few feet away from him and he doesn't even know how to act.
How…?
What…?
When he’d been lying chatting to Sirius only an hour ago on his bed he never thought things would come to this; the pair sitting in excruciating silence. He says the first thing that possibly makes sense to him.
‘Prongs is an idiot,’ he mumbles through the anxiety that’s gripping his chest as he continues to play with the edge of his bedding. He doesn't dare look across the bed towards the other boy.
‘Yeah,’ comes the soft spoken agreement.
‘And completely barmy,’ Remus continues for a want to say anything else.
‘Uh huh.’
Because he is, isn't he? How can he think that? How can he think something like that was going on between Sirius and himself? Sirius is Sirius for Christ's sake! He’s Hogwarts resident Lothario for starters as well as cool, smart, clever, popular, gorgeous…. Remus was just… Remus.
‘What he was saying was completely ridiculous! I don't know where he dreams this stuff up from.’
‘Don’t you?’
The bottom of his stomach drops.
‘W… What?’ He stutters through his confusion. He surely couldn't have heard his friend properly.
‘Don’t you?’ Sirius repeats and when Remus is brave enough to face him he turns to see the sincere expression on his friend’s face, ‘Like James says, we do act weird with one another; different.’
‘He didn't say that,’ Remus mumbles feeling awkward. He knows what ‘different’ means. He just wishes ‘different’ meant that nothing had to change.
‘Yeah, but that's what he was getting at. You’ve got to admit having a nap together is pretty strange.’
‘But it was an accident, we fell asleep talking.’
‘It wasn't the first time though, was it? And all those other things we do. We always cosy up together at the fire; touch one another; Christ my Animagus form couldn't be better matched to the wolf! It’s weird! I always thought it was…’
‘So then why do that stuff with me at all if it's so weird?’ Remus jumps in defensively.
Sirius goes really quiet for a moment and there’s embarrassment etched all over his face. He’s not looking at Remus but instead nervously fidgeting with his fingers. Remus doesn't think he’s ever seen him this anxious before.
‘Because I want to,’ the dark haired boy finally replies quietly.
Remus is dumbfounded, ‘You… You want to?’
He looks across the bed and watches Sirius give a small embarrassed nod; the implications of what he’s admitting to preventing him from turning to meet Remus’ eye.
‘And I think you want to too,’ he adds just as quietly.
Well, Remus thinks, he can't exactly deny that. He does like to sleep beside Sirius; he loves sitting with him; chatting to him; sharing secrets; touching him; running with him at the moon (so he’s told). He loves having his attention; sharing in his laughter; watching him play Quidditch and not just because he’s a good player. Sirius is beautiful. He’s easily the best looking bloke in the school and probably has been in decades. But he’s also beautiful on the inside too. He’s loyal, sometimes stupidly so. He’s charming to a point of infamy; everyone knows Sirius Black can talk himself in or out of anything (and a lot of girl’s knickers springs to Remus’ mind when he thinks about this) but most importantly he believes in something. Despite his privileged and bigoted upbringing he has the strength of character to forge his own beliefs.
Sirius has so much going for him and Remus… Well he’s aware that the second he leaves this castle in a few short months that anything has going for him is going to be ripped away by the prejudices of the world. The second he registers himself as a werewolf he is going to face a daily struggle. He’s not naïve enough to believe that employers, the ministry, landlords or even current unsuspecting school friends are going to see past the werewolf label. And the thought of dragging Sirius along for the bleak future he has in front of him when his own is no doubt destined to be a bright one breaks his heart more than never being able to have him does. Remus Lupin is destined for isolation and he won't be the man responsible for incarcerating Sirius Black in it too.
‘Sirius…’ He sighs trying to work out the best way to make his friend understand but it's one of the hardest things he’s had to do in a long time. Who turns Sirius black down? Nobody.
‘Remus,’ the dark haired boy appeals as he clambers over the bed to sit next his best friend, ‘I’ve tried so long to ignore this, what's between us, and I can't. It's all I ever think about. You’re all I ever think about.’
‘Sirius…’ The werewolf attempts to interrupt. He can't listen to this. It's… He… it’s breaking his heart into even smaller pieces.
‘And I don’t care that you’re a boy,’ Sirius tells him earnestly as he takes his hand to demonstrate how serious he is, ‘I just care that you’re you. I've never fancied a bloke before but if it means I'm a poof then I don't give a fuck.’
And looking up into his eyes Remus can see that he really doesn't. He looks nervous; a little bewildered by the feelings he’s explaining; yet strangely defiant as if he’s ready to fight against anything to prove it. But Remus knows he’s still underestimating the fight he’s declaring he wants to be a part of. A fight that has a prize that’s not got much worth.
‘Remus?’ And uncertainty is already beginning to show on his beautiful, perfect features.
‘I don't give a fuck that you're a bloke either,’ Remus concedes softly. It's killing him having to do this; more so when hope flames in the eyes of the other boy, ‘I made peace with that a long time ago…’
‘So you want to?’ Sirius interrupts eagerly and Remus has no choice but to plow on.
‘But I also made peace with the fact that I wouldn't do this; I never ever planned to have a wife or family Sirius…’
‘Well that's understandable if you’re bent.’
‘No. That wouldn't have been the reason. I do like girls too but that's neither here nor there because what I mean is that I wouldn’t involve someone else in my situation regardless of who they are.’
‘So you mean…?’ And with a frown of realisation Sirius let's go of his friend’s hand.
‘I can't allow you to be associated with me in that way.’
‘What? I'm already associated with you! Everybody knows we’re friends!’
‘Its not the same and you know it. Anyway people expect you to be friends with me. You’re Sirius Black. You’re a rebel. They’ll be able to look past you being friends with a werewolf and chalk it up to you trying to piss off your family.’
‘You know that's not why we’re friends!’ The dark haired boy swears vehemently.
‘But that's how it’ll look. How’s it going to look when people find out you’re… a… a sodomite with a dark creature?’
‘A sodomite?’ Sirius echoes absently before shaking himself, ‘I don’t fucking care what people think. You know I don't.’
‘But I do,’ the werewolf replies softly but he’s resolute, ‘I care what people think of you because I… I care about you too much to have people rip you to shreds because of me.’
The pair sit in retched silence as Sirius considers the auburn haired boy’s words. Remus watches as a myriad of emotions pass through his face. At first he looks despaired but then it morphs into indignation, ‘How could you be such a coward, I thought you were braver than this?’
And it's painful. So painful to hear his friend think so little of him.
‘A coward? The cowardly thing would be to let this happen and for you to suffer in spite of my happiness,’ Remus tries to reason with him, ‘This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.’
Because this is for Sirius. Truth be told everything he does is for Sirius; even breaking his heart.
‘You don't need to be a martyr to this Moony,’ And now Sirius is on his feet and is pacing angrily back and forward, ‘Jesus you can't do this to yourself!’
‘I can't do it to you either. Hurting you just now is kinder than destroying you a few years down the line,’ Remus says trying to convince his friend and himself, ‘You deserve someone you can be with without any of the stigma that's attached to my life.’
‘Moony…’ Sirius pleads with him to reconsider and it painfully reminds him of the last time his friend had begged him to reconsider something but that time had been for forgiveness over the whole Snape-Shack fiasco.
‘I can't Sirius,’ and for all his tone has more assertion behind it, the fact that he’s staring at his own hands is doing him no favours so he forces himself to look directly at Sirius, ‘I won't.’
And that seems to do the trick because Sirius looks momentarily stunned. This is probably the first time he’s ever faced a romantic rejection but Remus knows that's not the issue for the Animagus. There’s no wounded pride at play here. The grey eyed boy stares at him blankly for a moment before a saddening realisation dawns over him. It begins in his eyes and takes over his whole body judging by the way he appears to slump. He’s smaller and less vibrant than usual.
‘Alright,’ he finally speaks, ‘Fine. If that's what you want,’ and the shutters have come down over his usually expressive eyes, ‘I’m going to go now. Think… Think I’ll take a shower. You… You probably have that Runes essay to finish so I won't keep you any longer.’
‘Are we going to be alright?’ Remus knows the answer. He knows he has hurt his friend’s feelings worse than he ever has done but he needs to ask.
‘Of course,’ comes the nonchalant reply but Remus knows its fake. He knows the tone from when Sirius is upset but doesn't want to cause a scene (something very rare indeed).
He watches as the boy goes around picking up clean clothes before heading into the bathroom and deflates as soon as the door closes. Remus isn't sure what to think or do in that moment. He’s not sure if he’s just done the stupidest thing in his life or if he’s been right to put a stop to there feelings from the get go. Getting to his feet he lets out a groan at the anguish that's wracking his body. This is going to be difficult, he knows that, but in the long run it’ll work out for the best. In the mean time he just needs something to take his mind off what's just happened. Sirius was right, he does have an essay to finish so accepting that was as good a distraction as any he makes his way across the room.
‘Remus…’ Comes a voice behind him just as he reaches the dormitory door to head down to the common room and he turns to find Sirius walking timidly towards him. The dark haired boy stops in front of him and tries to work his mouth so he can say something but whatever it is is clearly not forthcoming so he moves closer still towards his friend.
Remus finds his body being pushed backwards and his lips being covered by the other boy's. For a split second he's angry that Sirius has just completely disregarded everything he's just said. Typical really, he could never handle things not going his own way. But then that feeling Remus has had in the pit of his stomach probably since he was fourteen begins to burn and the selfish part of him that wants as normal and fair a life as possible kicks in and he begins to kiss back. He indulges the other boy with a guiding hand to his cheek. He knows this is wrong and that it's something that he doesn't want, he's just told his friend the reasons why he doesn't, but at the same time it's all he's ever wanted.
Sirius pulls back from his lips but keeps close. His forehead his rested against Remus', his hand is tangled in his shaggy hair and his eyes are locked onto his. The way Sirius is looking at him is frightening, exhilarating, maddening and every little contradiction that embodies Sirius Black.
'I'm so sorry,' the dark haired boy closes his eyes as he practically speaks into Remus' mouth, 'I had to,' he takes a shaky breath as if under great exertion to control himself, 'Just once, I promise,' and those grey eyes are open again with a tenderness Remus never knew the boy possessed, 'Just once so I could know what it was like,' and he begins to pull away.
'Sirius...' The werewolf tries, left bereft still pressed against the wall, but barely a sound is made by him.
'I promise I won't ever do it again,' Sirius steals a mournful look at him before hiding his face by turning away, 'Never again Moony.'