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We were looking around for some shelter and the winds started to pick up around us. I hated winter so damn much.
She seemed alright when we left our camp yesterday but through out the course of a day and half, Clementine, my only friend out here, got more and more worn out as we traveled on. Now we were in this tightly packed neighborhood in a town we were crossing, it was snowing and the winds just barely started to pick up. She didn't make a big deal out of it, but she's Clementine, she does everything she can to avoid being a burden to anyone yet she's always been the one to look out for me and make sure I don't get myself killed. If it looked like I was getting sick, she would've stopped us and made us rest or eat or..something. She would've done more for me. I should've noticed it sooner than this and I should've made us stop to rest and I should've made sure she was alright, but...but I didn't.
It was a little after sunset that she just collapsed onto the ground, without even a sound. "Clem?" I called out with no answer and turned to see her laying there. I was scared shitless I- I thought she just died on me right there. In an instant I had skidding across the ground and craned over her yelling for her to wake up, "Clem!? CLEM! No..! No, don't do this to me! Don't fucking do this to me!"... 'Don't do this to me?' God, I'm such a selfish prick. Clementine could be dying and I'm worried about myself. I'm such shit.
With the winds picking up I needed to get us somewhere out of the cold or else she'd freeze to death. On a whim I took a brick and smashed open the door to the nearest building, just hoping that the roof was intact and that whatever infected may have happened to be inside were little to none. When the door was open I threw the brick as hard as I could into the building while the crash of the vase it shot into rang in through the house and prepped my shotgun, after a few seconds without any of that damn screeching to be heard I decided it was safe enough. Clementine would definitely object to my reasoning, I know, but I didn't have time to think about it.
I ran back to her and picked her up off the ground to carry her into the house, thank god she's so small. Dragging a shelf to hold the door closed and checked the rest of the house for any infected and luckily for me there were none, THANK FUCKING GOD. One of the ground-floor rooms had a bedroom and a queen-sized bed in it, there weren't any corpses or anything so it was clean enough, it made a good place to pay her down.
Goddamnit, how could I let it get to this. How did I let myself fuck this up.
On my way down to get her I spent the whole time just cursing myself out. To some relief I found her moving a little, but she was shivering. "Hey, alright were gonna get you warmed up, alright" I said while I craned my arms to lift her from underneath. I could carry her easily. On the bed, I took every drape and blanket we had and used it to cover her. While my frantic rummaging through our bags went on I heard a raspy murmur from behind me "Ellie?"
"Clem?" I turned to see she was fidgeting under the improvised bed sheets. "Clem what- what happened you just fell over out there and scared me half-to-death I-". 'Yu scared me?' That's what I'm upset about? I'm a real piece of shit. She was just laying there struggling to stay awake and I'm yelling as if she did it on purpose.
In the midst of my rambling I heard her speak in a stuttering voice, "I- I'm alright. J-just tired-d".
"How do you know for sure, though? What of this is serious or what if-" I was quickly silenced by the feeling of a smaller hand grasping mine. She looked up at me forcing a weak smile.
"Sorry I got you all worried, Ellie." God, she sounded so tired.
Knowing how much my hands were shaking, I jerked it away from hers, like a total ass "I'm going to find a place to start a fire, well have to wait for the storm to pass" she nodded in response and adjusted the make-shift blankets on top of her. At least, she was alive and I could breathe for a second, calm down and get that fire started. My hands were still shaking I forgot the last time I've ever panicked like that, with Joel when he was knocked out for months. I just get so scared at the thought of losing someone I love
Love
...Right... That's-
My hand smacked the center of my face to get back into reality again. No! not now! I needed to be here and get that fire started. Searching the whole house proved it was pretty damn empty, typical, but I did manage to find a good fire place in, what I assume used to be the living room. In the corner of the room I took a wooden chair that was missing one of its legs seeing as it was useless like that I'd figured it'd be more helpful as firewood. All it took was a good smash into the ground and it fell apart into a bunch of pieces. I had the fire started in pretty much no time using Clementine's good lighter.
Back in the the bedroom, Clem looked like she had dazed off, still awake but kinda out of it. I picked her back up in my arms like before, a little to Clem's surprise "I can still walk" she naturally objected.
"Yeah" I retorted "I know you can" i didn't mean for it to sound as sarcastic as it ended up being. Yet, I still continued in carrying her to the next room, holding her close to me. "What? No snappy comebacks, princess?" There was no way for me too see her expression while her signature hat was shielding her gaze from mine "Are you sure you're alright"
"Yeah Ellie" her tone was off, she was a pretty good liar but I knew better.
I finally sat her down near the fire and after leaving to retrieve our bags and any more blankets and jackets I could find I took my seat right behind her. We've made it a habit that clem often sits in my lap whenever we take a rest. I don't even remember how it started but I wasn't against it. This time I just took her in my arms and wrapped our largest drape over the both of us. Basically I was doing anything I could think of to keep her warm so she could get some sleep. Her head took a place resting on my chest and she leaned close to me, meanwhile I was taking her hands up to my face to blow hot air into them, they were freezing cold. No way we're gonna lose you fingers to frostbite. After a few moments of us sitting together like that I finally realized just how close we were together, it was just so comfortable it felt like a natural thing between us after traveling with her for a year I guess I've gotten attached to her by now.
"Ellie?" The quiet voice beside me called out softly.
"Hmm?" I hummed back to her, with her hand held close to my face.
"I hope you're not blaming yourself". Caught off guard I lowered her hand to look at her "It's..not your fault. I knew I was feeling dizzy but I didn't say anything about it."
"Clem, that's-"
"No!" She cut me off, lifting her head up to look at me "I know you, you take on all of that blame to yourself even when you didn't even do anything wrong" she...was talking about...more than just her passing out, wasn't she? "You always blame yourself because you couldn't do anything, and it's not fair to you, alright!". Her eyes shot straight at mine, " you can't keep blaming yourself for things you couldn't change, and you take the blame for what others did".
Clementine...you were as worried as I was, weren't you.
My hand lifted to the side of her head, covering her cheek with my palm. Staring at her i found a smile tugging at me. She was always looking out for me. Her right hand raised up to grab the wrist of mine that held her face. "It wasn't your fault.." She told me, softly shaking her head.
It's hard to say whether I could've done something to change what happened with the fireflies. It's hard to say whether I even blame Joel for it or not. I can't even say for sure that I still don't blame myself for it, either. I don't often doubt Clementine, she's the smartest person I know and to think about how much she worries for me, through all my little fuck-up is comforting to say the least. I'll trust her with this, even if I might not believe it for myself I'll do what she says for my sake as well as hers...I'll do it. Unable to find the best words to say I found I could only nod back at her a soft "Alright" and while keeping my eyes completely locked with hers she gave me a smile back.
When she finally broke the lock between our eyes it was to turn her head as she moved my hand to her face where I could her warm breath exhaling and heating up my hand against the cold air that surrounded us. Shocked, could feel soft lips pressed up lightly against the base of my palm. It must've made my face go so red since she started snickering at me.
"So..your feeling better, then?" I asked her, kinda flustered.
"Much." The jerk was laughing at me in her head! I could tell!
"Uhh-uh" She's so fucking cruel. I couldn't even form words after that.. Damnit she had a way of turning me into a complete idiot around her. "You- you're- wha?" But she only smiled at my jabbering and shut me up by throwing her arms over my shoulders and pulling me in for a hug. They were always the best hugs, even in this cold it was just warm feelings everywhere. I just wanted to sit like that for as long as possible, holding the girl close to me, thinking about how worried I was about losing her just a while ago it's amazing how much I've actually come to rely on her. The storm raged against the walls of the be sturdy house, with rapid winds and hail striking it on all sides, I dug my face into her shoulder and quietly muttered, "Thank god I didn't lose you"
And even against the crashing sounds of the winds outside I heard the quiet voice that was nuzzled in my neck come back in a whisper "Thank god I have you"