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Taeyong sighed as he rolled over in bed, his hand instinctively reaching next to him only to freeze and sigh again as he let his drop. His eyes squinted open, staring blankly at the empty space next to him. He doesn't understand himself, he should be used to it by now. He should be used to waking up alone. It had happened often enough before he left, but even then, Taeyong would always wait for his morning cuddles before he had to open his eyes.
He sat up, running a hand over his face in frustration.
"I'm really just pathetic."
One look around the room, and anyone who had known Taeyong for more than 2 days would know that there was something really wrong with him. He was a clean freak, he loved cleaning, and having things in their exact positions. He liked particular smells for certain rooms, like a citrusy smell for his bedroom, a smell that always calmed him since it reminded him of his mother's perfume, and something like 'fresh green grassy smell' for the front where he receives guests, because he likes making people feel welcome and happy when they visit.
But since the last two weeks Taeyong had hardly made any effort to clean up the mess around him.
His books lay in a heap on the table, with cloths spread all over the floor. He hadn't done laundry, neither had he washed the dishes which had piled up, though he hadn't eaten much so it wasn't that high a pile. His room smelled like a pigsty and he himself could tell that he was reeking of sweat and the beer he had spilt on himself last night.
He was a mess.
And all because of a break up.
It wasn't like it was the first time it happened. People dumped Taeyong all the time. Only they did it within one month of them dating so Taeyong never particularly felt attached to them. His past breakups didn't hurt as much as when Jaehyun told him that they were over. Looking at the coffee in front of him, with a cold sharp voice, the man ended it. Just like that, with no explanation, no 'I'm Sorry's. No 'It's not you it's me's. He just said it's over and felt Taeyong gaping at the two untouched drinks in front of him with tears threatening to fall.
Taeyong lay back down, a tear making is way down the side of his face and falling onto the pillow as he stared at the expanse of the ceiling blankly. Like he had been doing since that day.
He was glad he hadn't cried that time. He had held on till he was safely tucked in his bed – the one that used to smell of Jaehyun – before letting himself break down. One year; they had been together for a year. A year he looked at with fondness, and memories he got attached to.
He fell hard for Jung Jaehyun, and he thought Jaehyun was falling too. He thought Jaehyun would catch him, they were already dating, why would he expect anything else? But he guessed wrong.
Their story was as typical as it gets. At least on the outside. Taeyong's parents were well off enough to buy him a two-bedroom apartment which he used to share with his best friend, Yuta, before he moved out to live with his boyfriend. Even though he didn't need to, Taeyong actually worked part time at a café on the way to uni so that he could be more independent. And he was. He maintained a good enough lifestyle and things were going well. And it got even better when Jaehyun, the popular radio jockey, walked into his life.
He chuckled into the darkness. He had really thought that things were getting better, that he was going to have his own person. Someone he could lean on without feeling guilty that he was depending on them too much. Someone he could talk to till 3 am and pour out all his frustrations to. Someone who he could cook breakfast for, and hug and kiss whenever he wanted attention. Someone who would spoil him and take care of him. Someone who would take away his loneliness.
In a way he had gotten all that in Jaehyun, only a hundred times better. Their dynamics was so perfect. They both wanted to spoil and be spoilt. Taeyong would cook breakfast for Jaehyun, and Jaehyun would make sure to whip up something for dinner. They both loved cuddles and Jaehyun in particular loved giving Taeyong all of his attention. Yuta made vomiting actions every time he and brought Jaehyun to their outings because apparently, he was too cheesy. Taeyong agreed but liked it, so he never told Jaehyun to stop, or tone it down.
Jaehyun worked late, since his show was at night, and Taeyong had classes most of the day, so it was just a mutually beneficial thing when Jaehyun moved in with him after 6 months of dating. Of course, his friends weren't as excited, saying that it was too soon, but they saw how happy he was so they never did express their disapproval. Taeyong now wishes they had.
It started around the time when Jaehyun was placed as a co-host on a new programme at the radio with Seo Johnny, 10 months into their relationship. An american return who was charismatic and funny, and very hot, in Taeyong own words. Johnny would often come over and spend time with the two, and Taeyong actually liked him a lot. Johnny always had something interesting to say, and he often brought snacks with him, which he knew Jaehyun and Taeyong would enjoy.
Things only started getting complicated once the programme started. Their show started at 8 and ended at midnight, and by the time Jaehyun got home it would be almost 2. Taeyong's university life was starting to get demanding as well, since he has ended up in professor Minho's graphics class all because Ten was thirsting after the man, and as a result, Taeyong was forced to suffer a semester filled with assignments on shit he had no interest in.
They still texted and called each other every second they got free, and sometimes, Jaehyun would show up at campus and take him out for a quick lunch, or if he was done for the day, they go back to their flat and end up as a tangled mess of limbs on the floor outside of the bedroom. Sometimes, Taeyong would lay awake in bed and wait for his boyfriend to get home and they would cuddle since they were too tired to do anything else.
Keyword here is sometimes. Which then became rarely and then a never.
Things started becoming a routine. Jaehyun stooped coming, Taeyong stopped waiting. They stopped talking as much, and when they did, it didn't last for much longer. In Taeyong's defense, he had tried. He had stayed up a whole saturday night finishing up his assignment, which was due on monday, so that he would get to spend the sunday with his boyfriend, only to find out that the man had already made plans.
Plans with Johnny.
Excuses like, 'I was with Johhny', or 'I was talking to Johnny', and 'Johnny and I are going to x' etc became frequent. One night, Jaehyun didn't come back home and Taeyong, who had stayed up to finish his essay, started getting worried. He had called everyone he knew but no one knew where his boyfriend was. He was a crying mess when Jaehyun walked in the next morning with messy hair and clothes that did not belong to him, with a 'Sorry, crashed at Johhny's yesterday. Was too tired to call.' Taeyong should've said something then, but he just nodded and smiled and went into the kitchen to make his boyfriend breakfast. Jaehyun probably just took it as an okay to stay over at Johnny's.
Taeyong was jealous. He felt he was being replaced. And he knew he was. Jaehyun was everywhere with Johnny; Ten had mentioned how he met Jaehyun at the mall, shopping for new jeans with Johnny. Taeyong hadn’t even known Jaehyun needed new jeans, nor that he had torn his previous pair when he went ice skating with Johnny. Even Mark, the boy who works as a waiter in café mentioned how Jaehyun dropped by often with Johnny and how they seemed quite close.
Jaehyun hadn't even talked to Taeyong in days. All that and the fact that Jaehyun would often wear Johnny's hoodies when he came back in the mornings just pushed him to his limits.
But he still didn't say anything. He tried his best to not be one of those pathetic jealous boyfriends and be all clingy and possessive. He knew Jaehyun hated that, their first fight had been because Taeyong wasn't happy how Jaehyun still kept in touch with his exes and how they would sometimes hang out, they had almost broken up back then. But they apologized and they were going strong, Taeyong fell harder and harder. And he kept on falling.
"I'll be the first ex-boyfriend he hasn't called to check up on. I'll be his first in something then...gosh, I am so pathetic."
He didn't really want to cry about it again. That’s all he had been doing. Thinking about the past one year and crying because he felt so pathetic. He hated this. He couldn't do anything, he didn't want to wake up, but then he couldn't even sleep. He didn't want his house to look like a hurricane had passed through it, but he couldn't get himself to get up off the bed, let alone to clean up. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without breaking down and crying.
He hated himself.
And he wanted to hate himself less, so he forced himself up. The clock showed that it was 1am, and he was wide awake. So, he did the only thing he knew he could do.
He cleaned up the apartment.
He did his laundry and had just finished cleaning up the dishes when he noticed that the fridge was empty and that his phone was ringing. He rushed to pick it up. He had been getting messages asking where he was, and all, but no one asked him about Jaehyun. He hadn't told anyone yet, maybe Jaehyun hadn't either.
"Yuta!" He said, putting a smile in his voice.
"Yongs! Guess who's back in Seoul?"
"EXO?"
"Shut up! They are in Dubai right now...the answer is ME! I am in Seoul!"
"Oh. So soon?" He said, absently, letting Yuta's 'OMG I can't believe you forgot' speech run on as reality hit him. Yuta had gone home to visit his grandparents for a month. That was three days before he and Jaehyun broke up, had it been that long?
He and Jaehyun had broken up for almost a month and he done nothing but mope around, he had let his house become a pigsty and he smelt like beer. Which means he had been drinking that stuff, and he hated beer.
Which means he hated himself.
"...are you even listening to me!! Gosh...are you that much in love with your Jaehyun that you didn't even notice that your best friends been gone for a month...I hate you bitch...you hear...you know what! I am going to come to your place and then you are treating me to ttobokki and we are not taking that dimple kid along 'cuz I hate him now. OKAY?"
"O-okay."
Yuta promised he'd be there in five and Taeyong rushed into the bathroom to clean himself up, and if he cried under the shower, he ignored it because all he could think about was how it was Yuta that made him realize that he was in love with his ex. He wiped them away along with the wetness on his body before he felt too pathetic.
Yuta didn't know yet, and he certainly didn't want his best friend to see him broken. He knew the man, Yuta would probably break down in anger because he hadn't been here and Taeyong wasn't sure he could handle someone else when he himself was a mess.
When the Japanese did turn up, he brought the ttobokki with him, along with three tubs of ice cream and groceries.
"You think you are good actor, but you suck." He said as he swallowed a scoop of chocolate ice-cream. "I could tell from your voice that you hadn't spoken for days, and that last 'okay' was all I needed to know...what happened Yong? Where is Jaehyun?"
Taeyong just shook his head, pretty much confirming Yuta's suspicion but he didn't push his friend. He did though, force him to get dressed for a walk in the park nearby. He knew Taeyong hadn't been out for a while, and Taeyong himself felt that he had moped around enough.
The fresh air and lulled noise of the city as background was very welcome. Taeyong hadn't realized how much he missed being outside. He walked on, next to Yuta as the man talked about his family, his boyfriend and his work. It reminded him of the pre-Jaehyun days, and even though it seemed impossible, maybe he could go back and become himself again. In time, maybe he'll be less pathetic.
"...and then...wait Isn't that Ten?" Yuta stopped, pointing at the three figures sitting on a picnic mat a bit away from them. Taeyong squinted.
"Yeah...that is Ten...and Johnny...and Jae-"
"Let's go." Yuta pulled Taeyong away the moment they spotted Jaehyun, but he wouldn't budge.
Jaehyun was laughing. They were too far away to hear it, but from the way Jaehyun had thrown his head back and had his mouth open he knew that he was laughing. In his mind, a memory of the very same laughter directed at him came up, along with an image of twinkling eyes and deep dimples on soft cheeks. Taeyong felt suffocated.
Here he was, moping and crying over a broken relationship, and there was his ex, laughing and having fun with his friends.
Their relationship probably didn't even mean anything to him.
"Tae-"
"Yuta. Can I take this one round on my own please?" He knew his voice was shaking, and he could feel that the man wanted to refuse his request. "Please Yuta. I want to be alone...I need to think...to sort myself out...I'll be fine. I promise."
"Okay."
***
So, Yuta stood there and watched his childhood best friend walk away. His shoulders slouched and head hanging. The very picture of defeat. Yuta knew him since they were kids, he knew how Taeyong felt responsible for everything that went wrong around him. He knew how guilt and fear had made the once outgoing and cheerful boy very shy and reserved. He had been there for every confession. He had been there to help him through the numerous break-up, each one ending with 'You are not what I thought you'd be'. He knew those words affected Taeyong, and how they pushed him further into his shell.
He was scared this one would he the nail on the wall. That he would lose the bright smile and gleaming wide eyes of his friend.
"YUTA!!" A voice called and he snapped his head, taking his eye away, reluctantly, from his friends back. "Yuta!! Come here!" It was Ten, who was waving enthusiastically, and smiling. His eyes moved to Johnny, who grinned at him, and Jaehyun, who gave him a small smile before looking around him in poorly hidden curiosity. He would've teased him about that long ago, but right now it made him angry.
He went to them anyways. He wasn't going to leave Taeyong here, he was going to wait, might as well give some people a piece of his mind before he has to leave.
"Hey."
"When did get back dude?" Johnny pat his back as he sat down next to him on the mat, opposite Jaehyun, who had a small smile, unlike his best friend who looked broken. But on closer inspection, Yuta noticed the dark circles and the red eyes. He still hated him. Fucking asshole, I wanna punch him so bad.
"Just earlier today. Went straight to Taeyong after freshening up. Can you believe that idiot forgot I was coming?"
He noticed how the three of them tensed up. He saw how Ten fidgeted in his place and gave Johnny a glance before sighing. He watched how Jaehyun fidgeted a bit, opened his mouth as if he wanted to ask something, but then shook his head and relaxed.
"Taeyong...how is he?" Ten asked.
"Huh...he's fine? Why are you asking me that?"
He might as well play dumb. Though it did rub him the wrong way that Ten was asking him this and not Jaehyun. Mostly because Ten was friends with Taeyong for a good long while before he met Jaehyun, and yet it seems that despite knowing about the break up, he was on Jaehyun's side. Yuta had found another person he wanted to punch.
"I haven't really spoken to him since-"
"Since you started dating Johnny? Why?"
"I...I wanted to....I really did. But then it was all a secret that we were dating, and we didn't tell anyone but Jaehyun and you. Then they broke up and I didn't how to tell Tae that I was dating his ex's best friend...I kept postponing it...and I just...No one knows about it..." Yuta pretended to be shocked at the news.
"That you guys dating?"
"No, about Jaehyun and Taeyong breaking up. Jaehyun only told me and Johnny and Taeyong had apparently didn't tell anyone."
Yuta's blood was boiling. The more time he spent with these people the angrier he got. He knew he wouldn't be leaving this place without punching either Jaehyun or Ten. The bets were higher on Jaehyun because that kid had the audacity to actually look like the conversation was hurting him.
"I just found out, and that too only because I know Taeyong, and because you..." He said pointing towards Jaehyun, "...were missing. Besides, even on the days you slept over at Johnny's without telling Taeyong, he always had two cups of coffee on the table, one for you, in case you showed up, but today he had only one. It doesn't take a genius to guess." He didn't mention how dead his friend looked, and how he had lost that glow he always had around him. He will never let Jaehyun know just how much this had affected Taeyong. He was answered with silence, but he could tell Jaehyun wanted to protest, and Johnny looked offended but he didn't have the patience.
"How long has it been?" He asked Ten.
"Almost a month."
"Fuck...so you are telling me...you knew that Jaehyun and Taeyong had broken up for a month, and yet you never bothered calling him and asking how he was doing!?" Yuta was aware that his voice was steadily raising in exasperation. He saw the guilt on Ten's face. "Come one Ten! That's your friend...you know how he gets..." Unconsciously pointing towards the direction Taeyong and walked off in. "He went through a break up and you couldn't find yourself a second to take yourself out of your happy and safe bubble and talk to him? To ask him how he was?"
"I-"
"Shut up! Just SHUT UP!"
"Hey don't shout at my boyfrien-"
Yuta left fuming in anger, and broke into a run trying to catch Taeyong and take him back home. His friend had had enough time to think, he needed to take him away from this place and those snakes. Only thing that made him feel better was the fact that he had left Johnny with a bleeding nose and two very stunned people behind on that picnic mat.
***
As Taeyong had walked away, he could feel Yuta's eyes on him. he knew his friend would be worried. He wasn't being himself, even he was worried.
He walked a bit more and then settled on the grass under the tree. It was a bit away from the path, but it had been his and Jaehyun favorite spot to the just sit and relax. There was a gentle breeze that tickled his face, and the fresh smell of nature just made his feel a lot more at ease that he had been feeling for the last so many days.
He realized he was just tired of hurting.
Those days, since the breakup, he had spent thinking about everything that went wrong, and how he could've fixed it. He ended up crying every time he thought about things would've been different and how maybe if he hadn't been so boring Jaehyun would've stayed. His head hurt, his limbs hurt, and his heart was broken.
He felt like he had been broken.
But then he saw Jaehyun and it was like a slap on the face.
He had missed him, and he had wanted to run into the man's arms and beg him to take him back. Taeyong had almost done it too, and it had been Yuta's voice that knocked him out of it.
"When did I become so pathetic?" He asked himself again. Sighing because he could see how he had changed since he started dating Jaehyun. He had become too involved in the man, that he had forgotten himself. He had lost himself and losing Jaehyun only made him realize just to what extent. He used to be independent and strong, and never once needed support. He had hated coffee, always preferring tea, he hated sweets, he loved ttobokki, ramen and spicy fastfood, and hated beer, but that was all Taeyong from a year ago.
Jaehyun had changed all that, he had made Taeyong start drinking coffee because preparing two cups of the same thing for breakfast was much easier than preparing a cup of two different things. Taeyong started developing a sweet tooth since Jaehyun loved desserts and so he brought home lots of treats, and he didn't want to waste them. Jaehyun couldn't eat spicy food, so slowly, Taeyong had stopped eating that too. And he had had 15 cans of beer in the last one week, even though he couldn't even take a sip of the bitter drink before. But he didn't really mind all that even now, Jaehyun had just made him so addicted to him, that he couldn't go on without him.
Taeyong knew he was in love, and that it was going to take a long time for him to sit with his friends and laugh like Jaehyun had been doing a while back. It might even take him forever, or maybe he'd never get over Jaehyun.
"But that isn't going to stop me from trying."
He wanted to stop being pathetic. He wanted to go back to his aim of becoming a dancer, and hang out with his friends, go shopping or just take walks in the park and enjoy life.
He wanted to go back to being himself.
It was just as he had begun making his to do list that a panting Yuta sat down beside him, holding out a half-finished bottle of apple juice, which Taeyong accepted with a small smile.
"I punched Johnny."
Taeyong almost chocked as he heard that, looking at Yuta in shock.
"Wh-Why!? Yuta!"
"He was being annoying ok? I actually wanted to punch Ten or Jaehyun, but then he jut in and I just slipped and my fist landed on his nose...and if his nose is broken he has only himself to blame." Yuta huffed and looked off in the distance pouting.
"Well...thanks...I guess it makes me feel a bit better..."
"Why would Johnny getting punched make you feel better?" Yuta asked, looking shocked. The old Taeyong would've scolded Yuta's action, the new one though chuckled fondly. "Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" Yuta looked comical and Taeyong couldn't help himself as he pinched his cheeks.
"I was jealous of Johnny..."
"Wha-"
"Jaehyun was with him more than he was with me. He talked to him more than he talked to me, even though we lived together. He would sometimes turn up in the morning wearing his clothes. Johnny just knew things because Jaehyun told him, and forgot to tell me...I guess it makes sense that he looked so happy...they can together without guilt now..."
"What...are you even talking about...?"
"It okay Yuta, I don't car-"
"Wait, I get that Jaehyun being an asshole lead to all this, but did you ever tell him you felt jealous?"
"No."
"Tae-"
"Jaehyun...he doesn't like that. Jealousy and all. But I think he knew I was jealous of Johnny."
"Taeyong...I wasn't going to tell you this, but I think you need to know."
"What?"
"Johnny's been dating Ten for almost two months now."
"What?! Why didn't I know?!"
Yuta launched into an explanation, but Taeyong's mind had drifted back to a month ago, to the last fight he had had with Jaehyun as a couple. That was the first time Taeyong had mentioned his discomfort with the amount of time Jaehyun spent with Johnny and Jaehyun had of course lashed out on him.
...I know you are insecure about Johnny, but will you stop being so petty ? Fucking trust me for once! First it was about Sicheng and now Johnny! I can't believe all this time you've been so pathetic!
Those were his last words. Jaehyun had stormed out of their house without waiting for Taeyong response. And he didn't comeback for three days. When he did comeback, he came when Taeyong wasn't around packed up his stuff, moved it to Johnny's and the picked him from class. Taeyong thought it was an apology. He had been angry the first day, and miserable and sorry the next two. But Jaehyun had left with an 'It's Over' and the rest is history.
"He knew?" He muttered, stopping Yuta's rant.
"Jaehyun? Yeah, he knew. He was the only one apparently. Ten wanted t-"
"He didn't say...he didn't tell me..."
"What, Taeyong?"
"Yuta! If Sicheng was jealous that you were with me, what you tell him?"
"Huh? That it's you? And you are my friend, besides, why would he be jealous? He knows how bad you have it for...you know..."
"Exactly! But he never told me. I didn't know about Ten and Johnny. He knew I was jealous, that I was insecure...but he never..."
"Shit...maybe I should've punched him too."
When Taeyong finally got back, the first thing he did was to wash himself. He had started crying so hard that Yuta got scared and had to call in Sicheng for help. The two had engulfed him in a hug and he would've been embarrassed if he hadn't been so pre-occupied with the fact that the whole situation was a huge misunderstanding. And even though both Yuta and Sicheng had warned him not to blame himself, Taeyong had ended up doing just that.
Stupid him and his jealousy. Jaehyun was right he was pathetic.
Unlike the days before, he actually made an effort to make dinner instead of just ordering takeout. He had been avoiding eating dinner at the table, since it reminded him of Jaehyun, but today he decided to deserved that punishment.
He finished up his dinner and looked around his flat. Everything, reminded him of Jaehyun. That man had left an imprint on everything in his house. He sighed and rolled up his sleeve, maybe a bit of redecoration was in order.
The next day morning, Taeyong stepped out of the house in his tracks, went for a small run in the park, stopped for breakfast at the café, picked up some fresh vegetables and milk and returned to an empty home. Of course, he began to keep himself busy.
He had yet to finish reviewing his assignments and get an internship for next semester. He had applied at a few places and had yet to get any response. He picked up his laptop and began searching for other places he could intern at when the doorbell rang. Stuffing the last of his sandwich into his mouth, Taeyong opened the door, only to get attacked by an armful of a small balck haired kid.
"Taeyonggie I'm sorry!"
Taeyong had sighed and let him in, though he kept his distance. He let the boy explain and he kind of understood where he was coming from, yet he couldn't find it in him yet to forgive him. So, he gave him a small smile, offered some snacks, and asked a bit about things that were in no way related to Jaehyun or Johnny. He could see Ten was bursting to talk about it, but Taeyong tried his best to steer away from that thread.
"Listen Taeyong. I'm sorry, I really am. I should've...I should've been here for you. I don't know what happened that you guys broke up, Jaehyun rarely spoke about you, and Johnny is very tight lipped about this so it's not my place to say...but please don't hate them...please."
Taeyong gave a painful smile, so Jaehyun rarely talked about him, he shook the thoughts away before the got too painful. He didn't know why that should hurt him, so he just smiled.
"I don't hate you. But yes, it's not your place to ask me not to hate them. I don't hate them, not as much as I hate myself, so don't worry. You and your boyfriend and his best friend have my best wishes." Taeyong stood up and motioned towards the door, and Ten got the message. He left the flat in tears, but Taeyong didn't care. He felt this odd satisfaction for having finally spoken his mind.
The rest of the, Taeyong spent in rearranging the flat, sorting out things he wanted to keep, things he wanted to throw away and Jaehyun's things. After all that was done, he just stepped back and looked at two boxes of Jaehyun's stuff.
Honestly, he didn't want to throw them away, and he also didn't want to see Jaehyun take them away. This wasn't what he wanted. He wanted it all to be over, and alright.
But things never happen that way so they?
He pushes the box and the pain he feels aside and instead starts to bake. It's his catharsis. Something he picked up two days ago.
He was just taking out his first batch of chocolate chip cookies, because that’s what he started making, when he heard faint beeps from the entrance.
He counted five, and then scoffed.
Yuta should really work on his memory. He had changed the password. It's his house, and he gets to decide. But still he had told his friend, and yet it looks like he forgot.
There were two more tries before the door opened.
"Yah! Yuta! What was that? I told you so many times...aish....anyways..come to kitchen, I am making cookies."
He heard hurried footsteps and loud panting breath and he immediately knew it wasn't the japanese.
"Tae."
Taeyong froze. He knew who it was. No one else could, or would, fill him with a sense of dread while at the same time, give him butterflies in his stomach. He was just that whipped for Jaehyun.
"Tae...you...my box is by the door...and my things...the room is different....Tae...Tae you changed the password...and..."
Jaehyun sounded like he was panicking and if it was a few months ago, Taeyong would've rushed towards the man and taken him into his arms and comforted him. But right now, he was frozen on spot, looking away, and forcing himself to remain that way. Because as much as he hated it, he knew he'd crumble the moment he was the other. He'd cry his eyes out and cling on to Jaehyun. Maybe even tie him up in the house so that he would never leave again.
"Tae...baby...look at me." He didn't. He couldn't. Not if he wanted to keep some of his pride. "Baby...please...look at me...I-are we really over?"
"You are the one who left Jaehyun." He managed to speak, but he hated how weak he sounded. Barely above a whisper. So weak.
"Taeyong...look at me."
"I CAN'T!! I can't okay...I can't. Jaehyun...please just...go...don't...if I see you...I..." Taeyong could feel himself falling, but he desperately tried to hold on.
Suddenly he found himself engulfed by warmth. Two strong arms surrounded him and pulled him into the solid chest. He could feel the others hear beat erratically against his back. He could smell the warm smell that was so Jaehyun that it had never failed to calm him down. He leaned into it, desperate for it. and he knew later he'd feel pathetic. He'd hate himself and his body for giving in so suddenly.
Jaehyun pressed a gentle kiss against his neck, his hands settled on his tummy and chest, rubbing soothing circles, knowing they calmed him. Jaehyun was doing everything right. Everything he wasn't supposed to.
"I don't want to leave. I said that because I was hurt and confused and we weren't spending tim together anymore. There was too much distance between us. And when I started sleeping over at Johnny's and didn't comeback or pick up your calls, you never said anything and I though you didn't love me anymore. I thought I was the only one foolishly in love."
"You left..." Taeyong breathed before the damn broke. And with practiced ease, Jaehyun brought them to the floor, and leaned against the wooden cupboard as he adjusted him on his lap. Taeyong cried through it all. He was still crying when Jaehyun gently murmured reassurances into his hair and held him closer and tighter. "I-I love you..."
"I know that now baby. I'm sorry I didn't realise...I didn't know that Ten hadn't told you...they'd made me promise...gosh baby...please...I love you too...I'm not leaving."
"B-but you were so happy...in the park..."
"No...I wasn't...I don't know when you saw me Tae but the only time I smiled...or at least tried to was when we met Yuta...you were there too, weren't you?" Taeyong nodded weakly in reply and he almost smiled when Jaehyun swore. "Baby I swear I didn't know you were there..."
"Why are you here now Jaehyun...what do you want..." Taeyong finally pulled away, looking him straight in the eye.
"I want us back."
"You walked..."
"Yes...but that was a huge mistake...and we need to talk this out Taeyong. Please. Lets work this out."
"You can't just throw me away and take me back as you wish!"
"No! Baby no! That’s not what this is." Jaehyun's voice was gentle and patient. Like always, he reeled Taeyong in and he explained. And then he listened as Taeyong explained his feelings. At the end, they both cried and they both hugged each other tighter as they parted.
"Maybe we should take some time apart. Work out our selves out before...before you know...getting back?"
It was Taeyong's suggestion, and even though reluctantly, Jaehyun agreed. But just before he left, he swept Taeyong into the air, and pushed him against the kitchen wall and kissed him. Taeyong's legs hooked themselves behind the other by instinct. They both pressed into each other harder, and closer. Hand pulled at their hair, or pinched a nipple. Mans and grunt and hurried pleasured breath bounced off the wall as they tried to reach their own highs. And when they did, they both fell into a heap onto each other, lips still locked in a sloppy kiss, the breathes tangled and hair a mess. Taeyong flushed when he finally came to his senses, and he flushed even head when he heard Jaehyun's indulgent chuckles. It was only supposed to be a kiss, but as Taeyong ran off into the bathroom with a hurried goodbye, he really couldn't find it in him to complain about the stickiness in his pants.
It was the happiest he had felt in weeks.
And with the new promise with Jaehyun, he felt something like hope bloom inside. He hadn't taken Jaehyun back, but he was a fool if he refused. He knew how he felt, and he wanted to trust the man when he confessed too. But he needed to love himself too.
So the next day, with renewed spirit Taeyong set out to SM Ent. He came out with a smile.
Within the week he was an intern choreographer in the company and he had never been happier. Dancing itself made him happy, but the added fact that he was helping people reach their dreams- people who had gone through a much rougher patch that him- it made him feel accomplished.
Yuta eventually forgave Jaehyun and the lot. And they all started hanging out with each other again. He sometimes caught himself staring a bit longer at Jaehyun than normal, but he knew he wasn't the only one soaking the other in. He could feel his eyes one him, but he rarely dared to meet them.
6 months blurred past, and things were getting more comfortable. His internship ended up with the company offering him a job, he was the assistant choreographer and he mostly trained the trainees, but the pay was good, and he enjoyed being around the kids.
But Johnny and Ten moving to USA is what nailed it.
Him and Jaehyun had been still a question mark. They both mostly tipped toed around each other. Jaehyun and Johnny's show got cancelled after Johnny put in his resignation. So Jaehyun was back to being solo and his time slot was mostly during day time. Which meant he got to hang out with them more. And if once or twice Taeyong ended up in his bed after a visit to the local pub, he wasn't going to really complain.
Between all the packing and the dinners and lunches, and sneaking into each other's bed saying 'one last time'. They just fell back together. Like pieces of a puzzle, Yuta had once comments, laughing at them over his glass of tea. No one looked surprised when they got back together, except perhaps the bartender at the pub the frequented. But that was because he was trying to get into Jaehyun's pants.
Those parts were all Taeyong's now.
In the next two months, they took it slow. Jaehyun made an effort to tell him everything, and Taeyong made and effort to be as open as possible.
Thing were back, and maybe that little break was what they needed to be free and happier.