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Alexis Hawke stirred in her sleep. Her eyelids fluttered, and she yawned and stretched, but tried her hardest to hold onto the remnants of her dreams. She reached to right, expecting to grab onto a tattooed arm, but her hand was empty. Something was wrong; why was she expecting someone to be there, and why weren't they? She opened her eyes and saw the flickering shadow of Fenris, his arm propped up against the fireplace she didn't remember lighting.
That's right, she thought to herself as last night's memories came rushing back to her. She couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed; not a regret kind of embarrassed, but a wow, she couldn't believe it finally happened. A sheepish grin forced its way onto her face as she remembered how his tattoos lit up with her touch. She wanted to do it again.
She could do it again. He was barely ten feet away from her; what was stopping her from getting up and pulling him back to bed? Excited, she threw her legs over the bed and sat up --
Why was Fenris so far away from her?
"Was it that bad?" She'd tried to keep her tone light, fun, open, as if his response wouldn't shatter her confidence and ruin her trust, and cursed herself when her voice cracked.
"I'm sorry, it's not -- ... it was fine," he responded curtly.
She looked away, humiliated. Amber was right, she should have waited -
"No, that was insufficient," he corrected himself after a pause. "It was ... better than anything I could have dreamed."
Alexis sighed inwardly; his correction relieved the initial sting of his response, because it's Fenris, that's just how he is.
She took a deep breath.
"Are you... okay?," she inquired. "Is it your markings?"
"No, it isn't -- that," he began.
She felt her heart hit her stomach.
"Is it... me?" Her blood ran cold. She could feel herself spiraling but she couldn't stop it --
"Fenris, please-- don't lie to me-- is it me?"
Is it because I'm not as curvy as Isabela? Or as small as Merrill? I can't help who I am - I just thought he wouldn't--
"Alexis!" A tentative hand on her shoulder brought her out of her reverie and looked up at him with tear filled eyes.
"It's not my markings, and it's not you. It will never be you," he told her sincerely. "I began to remember my life before. It's just -- too much at once, Alexis. This is going too fast. I can't... do this."
As he stepped away from her, she couldn't help but note how cold her shoulder felt without his touch. Or how cold she felt even with a roaring fire a few feet away.
Even so, for the first time since she's known him, Fenris looked so... defeated. She believed him. But that didn't make it hurt any less.
"'It's not you, it's me,' huh?" She laughed weakly. She felt like a fool for believing this could have been something more.
"I'm sorry, Alexis. I feel like such a fool."
She did, too.
"All I wanted was to be happy, just for a little while."
She did, too.
"Forgive me."
She did.
Fenris turned and walked out of her room, his shoulders hunched.
She let him.