Chapter Text
“Know thyself and thou shall know
the mysteries of the gods and the universe.”
Sara Lance couldn’t sleep; the bed was suddenly too big to be alone in, the sheets too cool without someone else’s body heat joining hers. Feeling foolish she reached across the empty side of the bed and slipped her hand beneath the pillow until her fingertips encountered a familiar piece of paper. She curled her fingers around the heavy textured scrap, drawing comfort from its mere presence. She didn’t need to read it, she knew exactly what it said, every word was forever ingrained in her memory, every stroke of the pen against the paper remembered like a stroke of the hand that wrote it against her skin, the sentiment was now a part of her very soul: ‘This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance’.
The truth of the note spoke of more than Ava’s place in her bed; it was also about the woman’s place in her life, in her thoughts and in her heart. And Sara had screwed it all up. She was alone in her bed and she only had herself to blame for it.
In the wake of her encounter with the Death Totem Sara had felt such fear that her exposure to the darkness she had once called home would lay claim to her again. Ava had been the one to bring her back; her voice and her touch, her strength and her heart. She was willing to stay and see past the thing that had possessed Sara, to help her fight the darkness that was Sara’s constant companion. And Sara had sent her away, because the thought of what was inside her hurting Ava was more than she could bear. She broke Ava’s heart so that she could save her soul.
But then they had gone to 2213 and they had discovered the truth about Ava. A truth that Rip had gone to great lengths to conceal. Sara had witnessed Ava’s agony as her life had fallen apart before her eyes, lies that stripped her of a past that she thought was her own, falsehoods that made her question everything she knew about herself. Suddenly Sara’s problems seemed petty and insignificant by comparison. In trying to convince Ava that it didn’t matter where she came from, it mattered what she had become, that she was a truly wonderful and extraordinary woman, Sara had felt those truths and wanted to scream at herself for throwing away the best thing she had ever had.
Now Ava was the one struggling with the self-hatred and self-worth, doubting her every thought and action, no longer sure of what was her own and what had been given to her. Sara wanted to take all of that uncertainty away, to prove to Ava that she was exceptional and special and a hundred other things that Sara had fallen for. So she had kissed her, kissed her and told her that she loved her. All she had wanted to do was show the other woman that she was still there for her, that she had made the biggest mistake of her life in letting her go, that she wanted to try and make it all better. Sara was sure she had seen a hint of a smile on Ava’s lips before her features hardened, before her belief that she was nothing took hold and she withdraw from Sara’s touch and left the Waverider.
When Ava had showed up in Salvation, as the showdown with Mallus drew closer, Sara had been so thankful to see the other woman that it had taken her a little while to realise that something was different about her. The difference was two months; the Ava that had answered Sara’s message was from the future and had come to the Legends aid at the behest of her past self who did not have enough belief in herself to assist them in her current state.
The future version of her past lover seemed to be in a better place, or was at least working her way towards accepting herself and that each day it was getting a little easier. She hinted that having Sara by her side had helped, and that hint was all Sara needed to have faith that they would find their way back to one another, that they could find their happiness together.
When the sun had set on their first day in Aruba, while the team had continued to celebrate their victory over Mallus, Sara had returned to her casita alone. She had implied that she and Ava had plans, but it wasn’t the romantic rendezvous that Nate was probably thinking of or the sexathon that Mick was probably hoping it was. Using the communicator that Mick had stolen way back when they first crossed paths with the Time Bureau Sara recorded a simple video and sent it to Ava.
In this message she promised that she would be there for the other woman, but only when Ava was ready for her to be. She would give her all the time and space that she needed to process what she had found out, but if Ava needed any help then she only had to ask for it. She wasn’t sorry for kissing Ava or confessing her feelings, but she was sorry that it had caused the other woman more distress because it was the last thing she ever wanted to do. She had ended the recording and begun the hardest part, the wait; she had never been very good at it, but for Ava she would do anything.
Until then Sara would curl her fingers around the note in her hand, a place holder until Ava would take her rightful spot as the girlfriend of Sara Lance.
“Sorry to disturb you Captain Lance,” Gideon’s voice was a welcome interruption to Sara’s circling thoughts that were keeping her from sleep, “but you did say that if Director Sharpe was to call I should…”
“Put her through Gideon,” Sara eagerly cut off the announcement by the ships AI. She stumbled from her bed, blankets tangling in her legs and nearly tripping her as she made her way across her quarters to stand before her communications terminal. So desperate to speak with Ava for the first time in what felt like such a long time, but was actually only six days, Sara had completely forgotten that she was dressed in only a loose ‘Namaste’ tee-shirt that was hanging off of one shoulder and her camouflage boy shorts that had the words ‘booty camp’ written across the back.
Ava’s image appeared on the screen and Sara felt something inside her settle at the sight, but the pleasure turned quickly to concern when she saw how tired Ava looked, in fact she looked more than tired. Weary was the only word that could adequately describe the exhaustion and frustration and defeat that marred her features.
Ava took a moment to take in Sara’s appearance and attire, her eyes flicked to the bottom corner of her screen and her face fell, “Oh Sara, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about the time. Go back to bed. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Ava wait,” Sara blurted reaching out towards her screen as though she could stop Ava from pressing the button that would terminate the transmission, “You called. I’m here.”
Tension seemed to drain from Ava’s body as she exhaled heavily, “Can we talk?”
“Yes,” Sara replied quickly, perhaps a little too keenly if the tiny twitch of Ava’s lips was any indication, “Do you want to come to the ship?”
“Would that be okay?” Ava asked as she rubbed the back of her neck, a move that Sara had learned was an attempt to hide how nervous she was.
“That would be very okay.” Sara glanced down at what she was wearing, certain that this was not the best outfit to be wearing while talking to your ex-girlfriend, who you wanted to be your girlfriend again but didn’t want to pressure her into anything before she was ready. “Give me ten minutes and I’ll meet you in the office.”
Ava offered a tentative smile, “See you in ten minutes.”
~
The soft leather of the armchair was welcoming to her exhausted body and soul; it had been a mistake to sit down but it seemed the natural thing to do after she had poured herself two fingers of scotch from the decanter. She hadn’t even taken a single sip, the warmth of the well-worn leather had invited her to close her eyes and rest her head.
A gentle hand shaking her shoulder startled her awake, her body jerking as her eyelids snapped open to find amused blue eyes looking down at her. Sara removed the tumbler from her slack grip before she managed to slosh the expensive contents over her suit pants. The alcohol was replaced with a mug that wafted a distinctive aroma.
“Hot chocolate?” She asked, even though it was obvious. She inhaled deeply and took a drink, letting the sweet taste soothe her.
“I thought you could use that more than this.” Sara placed the untouched scotch on the side table.
Ava watched as Sara moved away to lean against the edge of the central table. She retrieved a mug of her own, probably hot chocolate too.
They drank in silence. Ava noted that since their brief video conversation Sara had changed her outfit. She no longer wore the shorts and top that had made Ava want to crawl through the screen and drag Sara back to bed; she had pulled on a pair of pyjama pants and a soft grey hoodie that made Ava want to crawl across to her and snuggle. It was her tiredness talking, she had to shake those thoughts from her head; Sara had ended their relationship against all of Ava’s objections and more recently Ava had rejected Sara’s attempt at reconciliation. She no longer knew where they stood with one another, but amidst all the questions she had about herself at the moment this was the one thing she had the power to do something about and it was why she had come to the Waverider to speak with Sara.
“You broke up with me!” Well that had come out a little more abruptly than she had intended, without any of the preamble she had been preparing while she sat in her office figuring out what she wanted to say to Sara before she called.
“I know.” Sara’s words were quiet and filled with regret that Ava was unable to register as her exhaustion finally gave way to her frustration.
She slammed the mug down on the side table next to the tumbler, the table shook a little, but she spared it no thought as she stood and began pacing the parlour, “You broke up with me because you thought that I deserved better. And then you’re kissing me and telling me that you love me.” She spun on her heel to face Sara who had her head bowed, “Is that because I don’t deserve better anymore, because I’m just a clone?”
Sara’s head shot up, “No, Ava…”
But Ava was lost to her thoughts again, words tumbling from her lips, “Is it okay to be with me now because if anything bad happens to me you can just go and get another one?”
“I would never…” Sara tried to interject but Ava was still pacing, still venting, and Sara knew she owed the woman a chance to get everything out.
Her pacing had carried her all the way across the room, she laid her palms on the desk in front of her, leaning heavily against it. She had one last question, one she had been afraid to ask, fearful of whatever the answer might be, “Did you just tell me that you loved me to try and get me to go along with that insane plan to free Mallus?”
“Ava stop.” And Ava did. Sara’s hands came to rest on her hips; her head lay between Ava’s shoulder blades. It was as though Sara was an anchor, a touchstone for Ava in the maelstrom of feelings and emotions that kept spiralling out of control. Sara calmed the storm, even when Ava had always believed that Sara was the storm.
“I still think you deserve better than me, but I want to be deserving of you.” There was a gentle pressure as Sara butted her head against Ava’s back, no doubt reprimanding herself for putting selfish thoughts into words. “And I’m stupid. You wanted to stay and help me fight that dark part of me and I sent you away because I was too stupid to realise you were already fighting it. And you were already winning.”
The hands at her waist pushed gently, turning Ava so that she and Sara were facing each other, “You are not replaceable, not to me. There may be thousands just like you, but none of them are just like you. It’s as though you were made to be different.” She watched as Sara grimaced, hating the taste of anything that implied Ava was somehow less. “I wish I could put that into better words, something that doesn’t sound like I’m just offering up platitudes, because you are incredible.” A hand was placed against Ava’s chest, the same gesture Ava had used to comfort Sara a time or two, “And I told you that I loved you because I meant it.”
She hadn’t even realised that she had moved, that she had surged forward and taken Sara into her arms until their lips were pressed together in a desperately desired kiss. Ava needed the connection, wanted the intimacy, craved the closeness. The hand upon her chest pressed against her; no, it wasn’t pressing, it was pushing, Sara was trying to end the kiss.
Ava tore her mouth from Sara’s and moved away from the other woman, placing distance between them, “Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I thought…”
But Sara was right there, reaching out and encouraging Ava to come back to her, “You thought right,” she guided them into a light kiss, a simple brush of lips to confirm that Sara wanted what Ava did, “I wasn’t expecting you to be sure about us so soon.”
Ava rested her forehead against Sara’s, staying close, “You are the one thing I can be absolutely sure about.”
“I am?” Sara was surprised by the admission given their earlier conversation.
“I’ve spent the last few days looking for answers, trying to piece together something… anything that can give me…” Ava searched for a word that could encompass all that she sought.
“Understanding,” Sara offered.
“Yeah,” It was exactly what she was seeking, understanding who she was and where she had come from, why she had been created and for what purpose, to know herself. “I got hold of Rip’s courier log. He visited 2213 exactly twelve times.”
“That makes sense, it accounts for you and the eleven that came before you.” Ava could see Sara struggling to find what she was getting at.
She decided to help her, “The dates that he went to 2213 are what I’m interested in. His first jump was just over six years ago and his twelfth was four years ago.”
“So the first eleven only lasted two years?”
“Yep, and I’ve been around for four years. What makes me different to the others?”
Sara’s brow furrowed as she recalled something from the day that she, Ray and Gary had taken a trip to Fresno, “You know, the actors that Rip had playing your parents said that they got the gig four years ago, so they only ever played your parents.”
“Why would he not have parents for the others?”
Neither one of them could readily come up with any sort of plausible answer for that.
“Anyway, what does that have to do with me?” Sara asked, circling back to the beginning of the conversation.
“It means I chose you,” Ava tapped her own chest, emphasising that it was this body and this heart that had taken the steps to forge a relationship with Sara, “You’re mine.” She heard that statement in her head and cringed, “That wasn’t meant to sound so possessive; I didn’t mean to imply that I owned you or anything so archaic.”
Sara huffed out a chuckle at Ava’s rambling, “It’s okay,” she took Ava’s hands in her own and tugged the other woman closer until they could wrap their arms around each other, she placed her lips close to Ava’s ear, “I am yours.”
Ava sank into Sara’s embrace; taking comfort and strength, solace and acceptance, and finally allowing the tiredness that invaded every part of her to take over, “Can I stay here tonight?”
Sara drew back enough so that she could see Ava’s face and try to judge what Ava was really asking, and if she was ready for what she was asking. Hesitant, but hopeful eyes lingered on Sara’s lips for a moment before rising to meet Sara’s eyes, clarifying her request, “Can I stay with you tonight?”
Placing a sweet kiss on Ava’s lips Sara gave her patented Sara Lance smirk, “Well, you do have a reservation.”
~
Absolutely convinced that when she had fallen asleep she had done so with a warm body pressed against her own and a head resting on her shoulder Sara didn’t immediately panic when she reached across the bed to find the other side empty. The sheets still held some lingering heat to suggest that Ava had not been gone too long.
Upon returning to her quarters the previous evening they had undressed and slipped into bed and each other’s arms. They had shared a few wonderfully languid kisses before falling asleep; sleep that had eluded Sara earlier in the night and sleep that Ava had desperately needed.
For several more minutes Sara refused to wake up fully, hoping that her absentee lover would return so that they could become more intimately reacquainted with one another’s bodies, or just so they snuggle, Sara would be cool with either. But when she heard no movement from her private bathroom, and the main doors did not open Sara decided to open her eyes for further investigation.
She pushed up onto her elbows so that she could better survey her darkened quarters. The low light of the bedside lamp threw just enough illumination around the space to reveal Ava sitting at the desk across the room, hands moving over the touch screen of Sara’s computer terminal.
“Hey,” she spoke softly so as not to startle the concentrating woman.
Ava turned in the chair, a smile on her face when her eyes fell on her sleep tousled girlfriend, “Hey.”
“What are you doing all the way over there and dressed when you should be over here and undressed?” Sara put on her best pout, hoping it would be enough to convince Ava to join her now that she was awake.
No such luck. Ava turned back to what she was doing on the terminal, “I have a plan of action. I know what I need to do. How I’m going to get my answers.”
Sara was out of bed and searching the floor for something to wear, she found an appropriate item of clothing and as she pulled it on over her naked body she moved across the room to stand behind Ava, “You see, one night with me and you’re all Action Woman again. Am I good, or am I good?” She draped her arms over Ava’s shoulders and dropped a kiss onto her head, “Are you wearing my tee-shirt?”
“Oh like you aren’t always wearing my shirt,” Ava grabbed Sara’s wrists and in a well-executed move pulled Sara around and dropped her into her lap, “And would you look at that, you’re wearing my shirt!”
Sara silenced any and all arguments with a good morning kiss, and while Ava was still recovering Sara investigated what Ava was using her computer for, “Are you hacking into the Time Bureau mainframe? You could get me into a lot of trouble if the Director finds out.”
“Ooh will she be angry with you?” Ava played along.
“Very angry. There could be punishment.” Sara confirmed, her voice sounding just a little bit too excited by the prospect, so before she could lose herself to that particular tangent of thought she focused, “So what it this plan of action you have been formulating instead of staying in bed with me?”
“I’m opening a port in the mainframe to allow the Waverider systems to have access to the Time Bureau. I want to ask Zari if she can recover the file that Rip deleted and maybe have a dig around and see if there is anything else in his files that could provide any information that could help me.” Ava explained as she reached around both sides of Sara to continue entering commands on the computer.
“Are you sure you’re okay with bringing Zari in on this? Telling her everything?” Sara cupped Ava’s face in her hands, bringing the other woman’s attention back to her.
“It’s who I am Sara, and it’s something that I have to learn to accept. As long as you still…”
“I still.” Sara insisted, whatever it was that Ava would have asked Sara was most definitely still there for it.
Ava tightened her arms around Sara, appreciating Sara’s unwavering support, “Good, because I’m really going to need you for the next part of the plan.”
Well that sounded ominous, “And what might that be?”
“I want to go back to 2213.”
~