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“Shit.” Aaron muttered, rolling onto his back upon realizing where he was. The soft sheets still carried Eric’s scent but the bed was empty apart from himself. He snapped up, stiff as a board.
He’d fallen asleep at Eric’s. Again. Despite Aaron’s promise to himself that he’d never stay the night with Eric. He buried his face in the palms of his hands, digging the sleep out of his eyes. “Dammit!”
Aaron pulled himself out of the green sheets. He’d woken up warm and safe, but now all he could focus on was the cotton fabric sticking to his sweaty skin. His scalp was damp, his forehead oily. Aaron stood beside Eric’s bed, tiredly scanning the room for his clothing. It was all strung about, left haphazardly on the floor after Eric had desperately pulled Aaron’s clothes off in a flourish last night, like many nights before.
He decided he would call Dr Rhee for an emergency session as soon as he left.
“Fuck.” His voice was resigned. He reached for his underwear, then pants, and eventually his shoes. Aaron had just pulled his shirt over his head when Eric appeared in the doorway. He was leaned casually against the frame, wearing only plaid flannel pajama pants. His face was unreadable, but his green eyes were alight.
“You know I don’t mind when you stay over.” Eric whispered, although there was no need. Aaron flattened the wrinkles out of his shirt while glaring at Eric. In response, the red head cocked his eyebrow in challenge, lifting his chin in the captivating confidence that drew Aaron to him in the first place, months ago.
“I don’t want to hear it, Eric.” Aaron growled, snatching his phone off of the bedside table and shoving past Eric. He was painfully aware of Eric’s mocking smirk in response to Aaron’s gruffness. Aaron tried desperately to ignore the tugging in his heart as he stomped towards the exit of Eric’s apartment.
“Wait a sec, Aer-bear!” Eric sang out while digging something out of a dresser by his bedroom door. Aaron had his hand on the doorknob. He could just leave. He could ignore whatever taunt Eric was about to fling into his face and never come back.
But then Eric’s hand was wrapped around his bicep, effectively removing his hand from his escape route. And Eric was waggling a tie in front of Aaron’s face. Not just any tie, his tie, from the first time he stayed over and had left in such deluge of anger, guilt, and disappointment he hadesn’t even realized he left anything until he was home. By then, he’d lost any sliver of assurance that he could ever walk back into Eric’s apartment and meet his beautiful, terrifying eyes. Eric slipped the tie around Aaron’s neck, using it to pull him into Eric’s space.
“You left this last time you stayed the night,” Eric was smiling. Not one of the mischievous smirks he uses to lure Aaron into the bedroom. No, this one was... sweet. If Aaron’s mind hadn’t short-circuited due to their close proximity (he couldn’t fathom how Eric still managed to take his breath away despite the even closer and more exerting situations they’ve found themselves in before), he would’ve snapped at Eric for patronizing him. Instead, he let the shorter man pull him into a kiss just as sweet as the smile still gracing his lips. Eric’s hands dropped from the tie and began to curl into the hair at Aaron’s neck. Before he could stop himself (let’s be honest — he doubts he would deprive himself of Eric), Aaron wrapped his arms around Eric’s waist and felt himself smiling into the kiss. Eric’s mood, be it positive or negative, was infectious to Aaron.
“When do I get to see you again?” Eric asked after gently breaking the kiss and resting his forehead against Aaron’s. His voice had returned to a whisper like earlier in the bedroom. Aaron flashed a quick smile before enveloping Eric in a long, slow kiss. Eric tasted like toothpaste, which made Aaron painfully aware of his own toxic morning breath. His mouth was warm and comforting — he wished he could stay here all day, and the day after that, again and again. However, Aaron stopped that thought process as quickly as it had appeared.
“I have to go, E.” Aaron pulled away, his smile growing when Eric followed his lips in attempt to deepen the kiss. Eric groaned melodramatically and thumped his head against Aaron’s chest. Aaron wheezed out a laugh, petting his red hair gently. “I need to talk to Glenn.”
Eric’s head snapped up. His mouth dropped open in offense. “You’re leaving me for your psychiatrist?” He shrieked. Aaron felt the corners of his lips turn up (one part in amusement at Eric’s antics, another part because of the warmth spreading throughout his body at the fact that Eric bothered to remember the name of his fucking therapist), despite his best efforts to stifle it. Eric placed his hand on his chest and shook his head in disbelief. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Are you done?” Aaron could no longer contain the grin cracking across his face. His red-headed counterpart scoffed loudly while playfully slapping his shoulder.
“What, I’m not allowed to be jealous?” Eric frowned. “Yeah, I know I sleep around, but I certainly have my favorites.”
Aaron instantly felt his stomach fall, his body chilling, and he was furious again. Disappointed. This time at Eric, however. Favorites. Plural. He was just another body for Eric, like hundreds of others. Aaron didn’t try to disguise his distaste, his own jealousy. He took a step out of Eric’s space and pulled the apartment door open.
Eric, well accustomed to Aaron’s ill-natured attitude towards his active sex life, recognized the mood change but made no attempt at revising his mistake. Instead, he crossed his arms across his chest and met Aaron’s gaze with a cool steel, lips pressed into a flat line. “Aaron-“
“I need to talk to Glenn.” Aaron cut off another spiel about Eric’s disinterest in monogamy. He didn’t spare Eric another glance before leaving the apartment. As the slammed door echoed throughout the hallway, Aaron withdrew his phone and dialed Dr Rhee’s number. After approximately four rings, there was an answer. Aaron barely registered Glenn’s groggy greeting before saying; “It’s an emergency. I’ll be at your office in fifteen minutes.”
Aaron spent the drive to Dr Rhee’s office thinking of only three things: Eric, himself, and how he most definitely was a Homosexual in love with a man. He tried desperately to keep Eric at an arm’s length, to keep his relationship out of sight and out of mind. It was just a fling, some fun. Eric made sure to remind him constantly that they weren’t exclusive, that he didn’t believe in monogamy or being tied to one person. But their meetings became so frequent that Aaron found himself absentmindedly driving to Eric’s everyday after work without so much as a “come over” text. Eric just... fell into his schedule.
Aaron’s one rule, one rule, regarding his rendezvous with Eric: never stay the night. Don’t get used to his company, keep all strings thoroughly clipped, no feelings whatsoever — staying the night just the two times has already royally complicated Aaron’s predicament. It was a Friday yesterday, Aaron had gotten off of work late and he couldn’t pull himself out of Eric’s bed once he got there. He vaguely remembers trying to return the favor after Eric blew him, but Eric stopped him seeing the exhaustion in his movements and sleep deprived, blood shot eyes. Instead, Eric curled into his side and rested his head on his chest, tracing comforting shapeless shapes on his chest with light fingers.
“Sleep, Aaron.” He’d whispered. “I don’t mind.”
So Aaron slept. It couldn’t have been later than seven in the evening, but he’d fallen asleep almost instantly. It was the most well-rested sleep Aaron had in months since the last time he’d stayed the night at Eric’s. Glancing at the clock now Aaron realized it was barely 6:30 AM, which would explain why Glenn had sounded so somnolent over the phone. But Aaron didn’t feel bad.
“Serves the prying, condescending prick right,” Aaron muttered darkly. It’s his job to ask questions, asshole, He hissed in his head, and he’s not condescending you’re just defensive.
Dr Rhee’s mental health clinic was deserted. Not even Glenn was there yet when Aaron pulled into the parking lot, pointedly made sure not to park in a handicap spot despite the fact that the facility didn’t open until eight and he’d literally never once seen someone with a valid handicap sticker park in the handicap parking, shut his car off, and deflated with a long, drawn out sigh he’d probably been holding the whole drive. Retrieving his phone from where he’d thrown it hastily into the passenger seat, Aaron took note of how it’d only taken eleven minutes to arrive at Dr Rhee’s clinic due to the minimal Saturday morning traffic.
Unable to breathe in his panic-bubble car, he barreled out of his stupid Prius and breathed deeply the humid, somehow even more oppressive than inside his car air. The cinematic romantic inside of him thought that in this scene he should be dramatically leaning against his car with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth, coolly checking his watch and blowing smoke rings. But instead he paced the length of his parking spot and focused solely on his breathing, the sound of his shoes scraping on the concrete, and his steadily-growing-louder heartbeat.
Eventually, Glenn’s shiny Hyundai Tucson prowled into the parking lot and powered off as Glenn leapt out of the driver’s seat. Sleep was still prominent in his dark eyes, but they were wide with as much concern as he could muster for someone who woke him up two hours before his day needed to start. Aaron made a beeline for the front entrance upon meeting Dr Rhee’s gaze, still deep in thought.
Glenn skirted cautiously around Aaron and pulled his keys out, unlocking the door and throwing over his shoulder; “An alarm will go off when I open the door so I’ll shut that off and we can get to it.”
“Glenn I’m cheating on my wife.” The words tumbled out of Aaron’s mouth as if telling a small child not to eat paste. He was still in a daze, his eyes focused on the glass door over Glenn’s shoulder. Dr Rhee dropped his keys and whipped around, looking like Aaron had just told him he was cheating on him rather than his wife. Aaron’s gaze flickered to Glenn, entirely impassive. “With a man.”
Dr Rhee attempted to school his expression to something more inquisitive, slowly kneeling down to pick up his keys. “You’re cheating on Maggie...” Aaron nodded. “With a man..?”
“Eric.” Aaron shuffled his feet, his chin nearly dropping to his chest in contemplation more than shame. “His name is Eric. I just came from his house.”
The psychiatrist gave up on unlocking the door, instead adopting his therapist voice and calmly crossing his arms. “And how long have you been seeing Eric?”
Aaron smiled distantly. “Ten months.” He shrugged and puffed out a tiny laugh. “But Eric would tell you nine.” Aaron’s voice became stuffy with bitterness, “He says he doesn’t count our first month because I always got cold feet before either of us got very far.” Glenn hummed in response. “I mean, can you blame me? Cheating on the mother of your daughter isn’t exactly as easy as you’d expect.”
“Does Maggie know?” Glenn moved on, still looking painfully neutral but his voice was a shitty imitation of friendly. Aaron scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Of course not.” He blanched. “You’re the first person I’ve told.” Glenn nodded, still very taken aback by Aaron’s confession. Aaron clenched his eyes shut and ran his hands over his face, gracelessly falling into a sitting position on the concrete below him. “I want to tell Maggie,” he continued, throat painfully tight, “but I’m not ready to break up my marriage for a man who doesn’t even love me the way I lo-“ Aaron cut himself off, quickly casting his eyes to Glenn. Glenn, who for once in all of Aaron’s sessions had this... this look on his face. A look that was... entirely judgment free. A look that understood everything Aaron didn’t say.
“You love him.” Glenn finished for his client. “And he doesn’t love you back.”
Aaron angrily wiped his tears away. Since when did he start crying? “God, Glenn, I love him so much.” Glenn wasn’t prepared for the fury in Aaron’s voice. “But he doesn’t care about me at all! I’m ruining my family for him, and he still sleeps around, picking up men just like me, men who are scared of their own sexuality and have been pressured from the moment they were born to have a perfect, tight-knit family.” Aaron buried his head in the palms of his hands, sniffling harshly. “Eric’s like some sort of predator: he draws us in and is so goddamn nice, he’s so genuine and open about everything. He’s charming and delightful, he makes me laugh and feel smart, there’s this spark between us that I never once felt with Maggie.”
He cleared his throat and sniffed again. His tears were still falling, but slower because simply talking about Eric made him feel better. He smiled sadly up at Glenn. “But none of it means anything to him. Sometimes, every once in a while, I feel like Eric feels it too. But then I remember that Eric sleeps with more men than I’ve even met, that he’s not even willing to stop sleeping around for me, and that feeling is gone.”
Dr Rhee sighed and sat across from Aaron. “What makes you think he might love you back? If he really didn’t feel anything towards you then there would be no question.” Aaron’s brow furrowed in thought.
“He, uh,” Aaron started, but had to clear his throat to cover his strangled voice. “He used to tell me that I couldn’t stay the night, he said that it mixed feelings into a stringless fling. He said it wasn’t personal, that he never let anyone he slept with stay the night.” Glenn hummed encouragingly, But Aaron took a moment to gather his thoughts. “But after about four months, Eric asked me to stay one night. I figured it was just a heat of the moment thing and tried to leave, but he... he held my hand and pulled me back to his bed. After that, neither of us said anything. We went to sleep, and the next day I woke up to a frantic call from Maggie, asking where I’d been and if I was okay. She said that she was worried sick, and that Gracie was too upset to go to school.
“I told her the night before that I had to stay at work late, but that I would be home before Gracie went to bed. This was the closest Maggie got to catching me. This was the first time I actually had to lie to both of them.” Aaron took a deep, shaky breath. “I had been so careful up until then, sneaking out when both of them were asleep or going to Eric’s on my lunch break. I ended up telling Maggie that I slept in my car because I was so tired. When we hung up, Eric apologized for keeping me from my family. He said that it was selfish of him to ask me to stay when I had a wife and daughter who would miss me, as if I wasn’t the asshole who was cheating on them in the first place.”
Aaron huffed bitterly. “Up until then, I knew I loved him but I didn’t let myself accept it because I knew he didn’t feel the same. When he looked so sincerely apologetic, I let myself entertain the idea that he might love me back, and it just spiraled out of control from then. He never asked me to stay again after that, but he didn’t, like, kick me out as soon as we were finished like he used to. I started coming over more, lying to Maggie more, and I knew there was no turning back.”
Glenn nodded patiently, leaning forward in a way that suggested he was about to say something. “Don’t despise what you feel, Aaron. It may be unclear whether or not Eric loves you, but you have a wife and child who do and lying to them is the bigger problem at the moment.” The therapist hugged his arms around his knees and sighed. “It’ll be hard, breaking up with your family and familiar territory for a whole world of I-don’t-knows. But lying for the rest of your life will destroy you, especially now that you’ve come to terms with your sexuality and who you truly love.” Aaron hummed in acknowledgement, but internally conceded that he couldn’t do that to Maggie and Gracie. “For any consolation, I will be here to help you through it. If that helps at all.”
“I guess,” Aaron muttered.