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The alley is cold and wet. The dim light of an exit sign pools on the ground for a short distance and provides the only sign of life behind the hospital. Raindrops fall from the edge of the roof, though the rain has long since stopped falling. The ocean is quiet compared to an hour ago, but it still seems to roar in the distance. City sounds should be hiding the noise of the ocean. Haruka can't figure out why they won't.
He doesn't know how he got here. Everything is a panic-ridden blur. Waking up to a yell, diving into the frothing ocean, dragging a limp body to shore, calling for help until his throat goes hoarse, and somehow ending up here, alone in an alley behind the hospital.
Haruka isn't sure what he's feeling. Everything is simultaneously too fast and too slow. In an instant, he suddenly realizes what people mean when they say they feel like they were underwater- they always have fear in their voices, and he's never understood. But here, now, he feels like he's the one drowning, afraid of the water. It's surreal, and he hates it. It's hard to keep control of his body. He knows he's staring at a dumpster, but all he can see is Makoto slipping beneath the waves. Eyes wide. Mouth open. Hand stretched toward Haruka. Afraid. Haruka struggles for breath, blinking to try and clear his vision. It all looks like panic.
He doesn't know how it happens. One moment he's reliving that fear, and the next he's losing control. His back slams against the brick wall and he presses a hand to his mouth even as he gasps for air. His legs give out and he falls to the ground, scraping his knees and elbows when he lands. He trembles violently, heaving sobs wracking his body. Hot tears sting his eyes and burn tracks down his cheeks. There's a tightness in his throat that won't go away even after he starts screaming. He calls for help between the agonizing sobs. Fear takes hold. It seeps into his bones and clenches an iron fist on his heart. It feels like he's been stabbed, and all the fire within him is doused in an icy pool of grief.
He should have insisted that he share a tent with Makoto. He might have been able to stop this. Bidding Haruka goodnight was the last time Makoto smiled. Haruka wants to die, realizing this- Makoto will never smile again. He saw that smile first when he was six, in the locker room of the swim club. Now, he's seen it for the last time- an easy, calm thing, accompanied by a wave and a "Sleep well, Haru-chan!".
Haruka cries until he has no more tears. The agony never leaves him, and the entire world is off balance. He curls himself into a ball, ironing the way his fingers and toes go cold and lose feeling. After all, everything is numb now. Everything except that suffocating grief. That guilt. That pain.
The whole world is pain.
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It's Rei who finds him in the end, shivering on the wet ground with tear tracks staining his face. It's Rei who helps him up, who leads him inside with comforting words he doesn't seem to hear. All Haruka hears is the ocean. All he sees is Makoto reaching for him, falling beneath the waves. All he feels.... Well, he feels nothing. Rei's touch on his arm is like fire in the snow. It's all wrong. That touch should be Makoto. That voice telling off Nagisa for being too nosy should be Makoto. Nothing will be Makoto ever again.
A door is opened in front of him. Nagisa is saying something, but he doesn't bother to listen. What's the point of listening if you want to die? Another door is opened, this one with numbers on it's he doesn't want to see the corpse, so his eyes drop to the floor and don't move. He doesn't want to look.
"You're soaking wet! I know you love water, but you'll get sick if you're out in the rain too long, Haru-chan!"
Haruka wants to think this is a hallucination. Against his will, his eyes trail over to the bed. A smile stretches across Makoto's lips, a special kind of smile he only ever gives to Haruka. A smile that is every bit alive.
And the world is right again.