Work Text:
Dukat’s log
Time : unknown, obviously non-linear
Location : unknown.
She came to me.
Was it a dream ? I don’t know. There are no days, no nights here. Here… I don’t really know where I am or what I am. Most of the time, I’m on Terok Nor. Yes, on the station ! It seems terribly familiar to me. But I know it can’t be real. Because I remember.
I fell. Or more precisely we fell. Benjamin and I. We fell in the flames while fighting. I was grasping the book and I screamed. Suddenly, Benjamin just disappeared and I kept on falling in the fire. But it didn’t burn. I couldn’t believe it first! But of course it didn't burn. Why would they destroy their precious book and their messenger, their new Emissary? I had brought it back to them and they would keep it. I'm sure now that the book is somewhere. We’ll find it. We’ll find a new way.
I didn't die too. I feel corporal. I can see and touch my body, I can see my arms, my hands, I can feel my scales, my eye ridges, my hair. I am still Dukat.
And she came to me. A few days ago, or weeks, or months. It doesn't matter. She looked so real. If I raised my hand, I would perhaps have touched her soft blond hair. Adami. Perhaps she's not a dream after all. They already created a whole word for me. This Terok Nor I leave on, looks real. I work on it, I eat, I sleep, I see it exactly as it was. The ore processing, the Bajoran quarters, the Promenade, all is here again.
She didn't die. I remember her betrayal, my anger at her, how much I wanted her to die at this moment, her look as she saw the book in my hands. My words: « Are you still here? » and I saw her burn. But the Pah Wraiths paths seem to be unknown. We are still here, Adami and I.
She began to shout at me. Asking me to stop bragging… I could have slapped her! Bragging? I was… I am a proud Cardassian. Why should I deny my qualities? Images ran into my brain. I soon understood that she still sees me as this Bajoran, Anjohl Tennan.
The surgeon did a very good job at the time. Damar was so shocked when he saw me the first time! It was almost funny. And that earring! But that was a great idea. Only a Bajoran could reach her. The « man of the land ». The Pah Wraiths told me every detail I had to know, every word I had to say and it worked. It worked oh so well.
When she grabbed my ear, did she really feel something? She told me my pagh was strong. I fell on my knees, pretending too. If she felt something, it was the strength of the Pah Wraiths surrounding us and nothing else.
I am the only one who ever heard the truth from her lips when she stopped struggling with me. I made her say it because I saw in her, in her heart and soul. I stood so close to her, I held her in my arms and I felt her heartbeats. The Prophets never spoke to her. She pretended, she lied all the way.
Are the Pah Wraiths Gods?
So here we are, face to face, and she asks me to kneel again and beg for what I need, not what I want. As if nothing happened, as if she didn’t die… as if she didn’t try to kill me. So why do I kneel then ? Why do I tell her I need her at my side? Why do I suddenly ask for forgiveness?
Are the Pah Wraiths Gods?
If they are Gods, why didn’t they see what happens in me? My wrath should have lasted for eternity. But she stands in front of me and I feel strangely weak. I wanted to hate her but I feel attracted again, I long for her touch, for her hands in my hair, on my skin. I long for her voice calling to me in the warm nights of Bajor… I beg her to see in me, I tell her she was wrong about me. If we have eternity, why not use it and do what we never could do before? First she laughs, then she listens. She doubts. She knows I only lied to her once, when taking this bajoran skin. All that I told her after was the truth. And she listens to me… we spend what seems hours to talk, to escape, to hate, to hide, to love, to discover, to promise, to reveal all that wasn’t said before, all that wasn’t dreamed, all what could have been, feeling our minds sing a song of death and life.
And she hears me. Skrain Dukat is standing in front of her with his heart and mind torn apart. The price for her forgiveness is high but I know the time has come. A sign of Gods. Winn Adami, the one who hated me above all is also my savior and my path to redemption. And she will be my reward too. Her last hidden thoughts will be revealed to me but this time, there will be no looser nor winner. Just Adami and I, waiting for our return home.