Chapter Text
The tails of Oswald’s dress coat floated behind him and his pointed shoes clunked heavily in rhythm with his cane as he angrily limped down the hallway from the main dining area to the bathroom. He needed to clear his head. Wash his face. Do something to keep him from thinking about Isabelle. Was it Isabelle? Isabella? Annabelle? He didn’t care. It didn’t matter. What mattered was calming himself down before Ed could see how distraught he was. All Ed had asked about for the past week was this damned woman, and if Oswald had to hear one more word about that harlot, he was going to scream.
He threw the bathroom door open, slammed it shut, and locked himself inside. Once inside, he leant back against the wooden door and closed his eyes as he tried to slow his shaky breath. He could feel his irritation subsiding and his heart rate decreasing. The warm glow of the elegant bathroom calmed Oswald down slightly. Gotham had such a dull greyness about it.
He shook his head and hid his face in his hand. It was silly locking himself away in the bathroom like a heartbroken teenage girl, especially since he was now Mayor of the city. God, how would it look if they knew? He took a deep breath.
And that was when he heard a sound.
A light tink of metal.
With a small surprised gasp, Oswald’s eyes snapped open and he saw a lanky man climbing halfway through the bathroom window in front of him whose jacket zipper had clinked the sill. The pale man looked at Oswald like a deer in headlights. He had a surprisingly large smile on his face for someone who had just been caught breaking into the Mayor’s home.
“Hi.” The man cheerfully said as he waved at Oswald innocently.
Oswald’s eyes glared at him. The type of glare that many had only witnessed before coming to their gruesome demise. Thinking quickly, he scanned the small bathroom for something to throw at the man: looks like a roll of toilet paper would have to do, he supposed. He grabbed the roll and threw it at the man before trying to hit him in the shoulder with the end of his cane.
“Argh!” The man yelled girlishly as he clumsily came crashing onto the toilet and crumpled on tiled floor with a loud thud, “Ow.” he whimpered and rubbed the back of his head lightly.
“Who are you?!” The nostrils of his hooked nose flared with anger as Oswald yelled at him. He held his cane defensively as he pointed it towards the man, who was now attempting to slowly stand up, despite the obvious pain from the fall.
“My name,” the man spoke slowly as not to aggravate the already intensely enraged Oswald, “Is Dirk Gently. I’m a detective.”
He was British. Of course he was. That would explain he odd demeanour.
Oswald huffed and lowered his defences a little. Perhaps he was with Jim Gordon? “A detective?” He asked accusingly, “You don’t look like a detective.” Oswald eyed up and down Dirk’s attire suspiciously. He was dressed in a bright yellow leather jacket and dark maroon jeans. Oswald almost rolled his eyes. No one wore yellow, not in Gotham; and especially yellow leather. It was just bad taste. The tight purple jeans were a nice touch though, he had to admit. Very fitting…
Dirk seemingly ignored Oswald’s critical stare and scoffed sarcastically, “Well of course I don’t look like a detective. No private detective looks like a private detective, that’s, like, the first rule of private detecting.”
“Wait, a privatedetective?” Oswald could feel his anger bubbling up inside him again, he was ready to poke an eye out if he had to, “So you don’t work for the GCPD?”
Dirk looked confused, “I’m.. um. The… who?”
“Who hired you? Why are you here?!” Oswald’s face became pink as he shouted at him, jabbing his cane towards Dirk once more, poking him in the shoulder. His breathing had become heavy and quick. His emotions were on a rollercoaster ride, and Oswald was more than ready to kill him if he felt the need. And the need was rising.
The detective’s bubbly façade broke down as he quickly raised his hands in surrender. His blue eyes became bigger as they begged Oswald not to hurt him. “No one’s hired me.” He pleadingly told him with furrowed brows, “In fact, I’m looking for a case. I had a feeling one might be here.”
He lowered his hands slowly once he noticed Oswald’s sudden curiosity.
And Oswald, despite his heavy layer anger bubbling just beneath the surface, was indeed curious, “Go on.” He growled cautiously, his eyes glinting predatorily.
The man chippered back up, “Well,” the grin resumed on his face and the corners of his eyes crinkled, “I’m a holistic detective, actually. No one usually hires me, I just kind of walk into situations where people might need my help, and I try to help them, not so much with clues or DNA, but with universe’s guidance; thus, the holisticness. And the universe seems to have guided me here. So perhaps, maybe a handsome such as yourself is in need of detective assistance of the holistic sort?”
Handsome? Oh. He hadn’t been called that since his mother died. Oswald would’ve blushed if he wasn’t so preoccupied with how ridiculous this all was. He had to actively avoid rolling his eyes. This man was clearly no threat. He was just an idiot.
He lowered his cane to the floor and lent on it, “Hmm,” Oswald played along with a smug twist of his lips, “Did the universe tell you to break into my home?”
Dirk wasn’t prepared for such a question. His breath hitched guiltily, “Um… I prefer to call it creatively entering.”
Oswald let out a huffed chuckle and closed his eyes and ran a hand through his gel encrusted hair. He kind of liked the man, he had to admit. There was a strange charm about him that he’d never seen in Gotham before. He observed Dirk, wondering what to do with him. Huh, despite his hideous attire, he reminded him a little of Ed-
That’s when an idea popped into head. His eyes brightened at the thought, and he smiled deviously as a plan began to form. He was indeed in need of the detective.
“Actually…” A deviousness tone escaped Oswald’s smirk, and he lent close enough to smell his cologne, close to whisper, “As it so happens, I may need your help, detective.”
Dirk ‘s grin had somehow gotten brighter, and clapped his hands together in victory, “A case! I knew it! I am all ears!” His parted hair flopped a little as he tilted his head to the side and leaned closer to Oswald for instructions.
“Not now, the details will come later.” Oswald told him. He stood back and straightened up the lapels of his suit and pulled up his gloves back in place, “First, I insist you join me for dinner. Get the formalities and introductions out of the way. We’ll talk business later, Mr…”
“Gently. Dirk Gently. Hello.” Dirk happily offered his hand, and Oswald shook it with amusement. His anger had completely diminished, instead replaced with the usual devilish excitement and a crooked smile,“Well, Mr. Gently, I am Oswald Cobblepot, Mayor of Gotham.”
Dirk stopped mid shake and his eyes widened. Breaking and entering wasn't foreign to him, but breaking into a mayor's house was new. “Mayor?” He was lost for words. “Oh, excuse me, Mr Cobblepot, I had no idea that this was your home, I just got the feeling I had to come here, but n-“
Oswald stopped his blabbering with the minimal wave of his hand, “No apologies necessary, old friend. All’s well that ends well.” He smiled suavely at the detective, as charmingly as a Mayor could.
Dirk’s own smile became shy. ‘Old friend’ he had called him. The word ‘friend’ was like a trigger for him. His heart fluttered embarrassingly at the idea of friendship. Perhaps the universe was finally leading him to the one thing he truly wanted. “Well,” Dirk said finally, “I am quite famished.” He gave Oswald a friendly pat on the shoulder.
Oswald’s automatic reaction would’ve been to smack Dirk’s hand away bitterly, as most people who touch him usually never have good intentions, and lose a limb if Oswald had anything to do with it. But instead, despite tensing up at the initial contact, Oswald looked at Dirk’s face still beaming with a genuine bright smile, a smile that was rare to find in Gotham. He couldn’t help but smile back, his lightly yellowing teeth peering from behind his thin, cracked lips, and an almost unnoticeable blush appeared under his spotted skin.
His eyes fluttered elsewhere as he cleared his throat and he forced himself to stop staring at the man’s smiling face, “Ahem. Well, Mr Gently.” He turned to unlock the bathroom door and stepped aside to allow room for the detective to enter the rest of his home, “Please do come in.”
Dirk’s smile never faltered as he entered the Mayor’s mansion. Oswald took a sneaky peek at the detective’s backside as he walked into the halls of his home. He felt his heart race and a genuine smile appear on his face once more. The man’s merriment was rubbing off on him it seemed.